Insanity

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

-Albert Einstein

-

Days until Chuck comes back: 8
Amount of denial Blair is in about her feelings: more than she hates juice cleanses

-

Although Audrey had been going strong on the whole kale smoothie thing, I gave up...and continued to eat normal human food. Quasi-healthy normal human food, but still. I think I had one smoothie before I was completely dying for crescent rolls and flaming hot Cheetos.

It's not like I eat total garbage either- I just can't only consume liquids. The whole day I was dreaming of carbs and chewing air, and highkey irritable and hungry. So, of course, I had given up on the weird Audrey diet and gone back to normal food. I had been distracting myself from the fact that work was abysmal and stressful, and that school was stressful in its own regard. The PCATs were approaching quickly, and it seemed like I never had a moment to de-stress and honestly, calm the fuck down.

And I was avoiding my feelings about Chuck. I sat there, stressed and about to fall apart at work, when I turned to face Janet's desk. I had on a floral short-sleeved dress, with a cute sidebraid.

"Janet, I have a personal question for you." I said, nonchalantly. Janet was sassy, brass, and a very accomplished woman. She knew what she wanted, and she wasn't afraid to get it. She was only thirty four, but she had the power and position of a woman at least two decades older than her.

"Alright, shoot."

"Have you ever gotten back with a boy after you guys broke up?" I mean, of course Chuck and I were only talking, and who knew what was really going on and if we were going to get back together? But I couldn't help but think maybe that was what was putting me in denial about all of this- potentially, in the future, restarting my relationship with Chuck.

"Yeah, why? Are you getting back with a boy?" Janet asked, looking at me. I didn't blame her for it, she had been around listening to the terrible dates that I had gone on.

"Well, okay, so my ex boyfriend and I started talking in like, the spring. Even though I said that I was never ever going to talk to him again, and then we started getting closer and then he left for Mexico. And I'm glad he did, because I didn't know what I wanted really and that decided things for me, but now he's coming back in like a week and I've been in total denial about what I feel about him and what I'm thinking and everything."

"Yeah, that was the whole three and a half years that I dated Jeremy. My friend actually got me a giant magnet that says, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results" Janet went and explained everything, going into detail. "So, Blair, I guess my advice is this- you should only go back to things if the reasons why you broke up aren't into play. And also, you're twenty- I don't have time to waste with relationships because I'm thirty four now, but when I was in my early twenties that was all I did. So if you're looking for forever, don't do it, which you shouldn't be doing, but if you're just trying to enjoy life and maybe mess around and have some fun, then do it."

-

Days until Chuck comes back: 8
Amount of denial Blair is in about her feelings: more than she and Kayresia love Aloha Eats

-

Kayresia and I had gone to Aloha Eats for two days in a row- it had become a high key addiction, as we kept coming back for the crispy chicken and creamy macaroni salad. And as we sat waiting for the shuttle, and I confided to her what had been bothering me.

"Just take it slow, and don't worry about it," Kayresia said, as she caught a lightning bug in the palm of her hand. "That's all you can do."

"I just don't know if I can fully trust him after everything, even if things have been fine recently. Like, yeah we've been having fun...but I can't just dive in."

"And no one's asking you to- just take it one step at a time."