Maybe one day I can have a reunion with myself. 

-Sebastian Bach

-

Before I blogged on Cliches in Chicago, I blogged on a tumblr called Sass of Chicago. I unfortunately, and stupidly deleted all of the writings on that blog, in a moment of dramatics. I cursed that blog, and my previous single life, because I was sooo in love with Chuck Cuevas. Now, as a quasi-adult, I understand that you should never give anything up, especially your poignant, beautifully written and hilarious blog about your adventures in dating (okay...maybe kissing..) terrible boys. But now I'm an adult, and I know to never delete your blog for anyone. 

I have a story for all of you. In my fit of annoyance/fed uppance with Chuck, I signed up for Tinder. I remember my fondest foray into Tinder, meeting Jake Reagan and becoming completely infatuated with him. And of course, I remembered my worst- meeting that stupid architect Ted, that called that painting crispy and having him annoy the fuck out of me.

When I downloaded it, of course I wasn't serious about it- I was just curious. I mean, can you blame me? I had the earth shattering realization (once again) that Chuck Cuevas was a fucking asshole, and was completely embarrassed that I thought for even a split moment that things would be sunshine and rainbows. And the realization that regardless of how long we've been together or how much fun we have, Chuck may never stop spontaneously disappearing. And can you imagine that? ME, ELIZABETH LEONA BUI dealing with this bullshit when I have kids with him or something?

"Sorry, kids, your dad just disappeared because he can't deal with shit...again."

My daughter would look back at me in her Kate Spade for girls dress, and throw her mini Maisie bag on the fucking ground. As my son sits there, in his J.Crew button down and bright Chubbies shorts and baby Sperries. They'd be like, "Um, mom, are you really putting up with this bullshit?"

And as I sat there, I realized, "HOLY FUCK, I've been through a lot with Chuck."

Yeah, he was all, "We're going to be okay, we're going to get through this, there's going to be good times and bad times, but we're going to get through this. We're going to be fine," but holy fucking shit, this MF has a lot of fits. And I understand, there's been times when I get mad or upset, but I've never just disappeared or not talked about it.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyways, so I made a Tinder, and then promptly deleted it.

Blair: What kind of tacos?
Guy on Tinder: It's a simple recipe. I just wrap a tortilla around my dick and stick it in your mouth until the secret sauce comes out, most girls find it delicious ;)

EW.

BOY, BYE.

Maybe the universe just wants me to be alone forever, and to be in Chuck Cueva's crazy limbo. Just watch, guys, I'll be fifty years old and Chuck will still be telling me, "I need you to wait two years for me."

Okay, I feel like my life has the makings of a romantic comedy- I've met so many guys in quasi-cute ways, and spontaneously. It just is missing the part where I fall in love and meet the perfect guy. In my romantic comedy, these meet-cutes end in me going on a date with them, finding out that I don't like them at all in about .26 milliseconds, and then having the date end in them begging me for a second chance or another date.

I've been reunited with a guy from three years ago, I've been asked out randomly in Target, I've even met a guy on a fucking elevator (and we have had MANY moments in said stupid elevator), but this is real life. In real life, perfectly handsome guys aren't everywhere, and in real life you go months without having sex or going on a date. And when you do go on a date...it's definitely not like you thought it'd be like.

And as I sat there reminiscing, I couldn't help but wonder...what exactly have these guys been up to?

-

Haz- He is on my Do Not Social Media Stalk list- he is probably still living with the girl he dated as soon as we broke up, who he claims he's super in love with. Yes, he did confess his undying love to me like two years ago while they were dating.

Tom- He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and he's just been posting pictures of him being alone or with friends, broing it up. How awkward.

Bill- Has a girlfriend as awkward, condescending, and fake artsy/wannabe hipster as him.

Sexy Drake- Oh my gosh, why is he still super freaking hot. It's okay, guys, I'm just going to keep reminding myself about how he tried to do butt stuff with me, and that he's not that super hot (but he is)

James- Still dating this girl, is going to be living with Chuck... whatever.

Alejandro- Oh my god, even this thirsty MF has a girlfriend...what the hell?!?

Luke- HOW ARE ALL THESE GUYS GETTING GIRLFRIENDS?!?

Johnny- In Peoria for his residency, pining after Elizabeth Bui. Just kidding guys, he's in residency and probably macking on nurses.

Jake- Living in Milwaukee, being stupidly charming and handsome.

Toronto- I don't even need to Google this one- he has a girlfriend now too! I see him all the time when I go to work, because his job is working facilities in the building where our office is located. He actually is the only guy on this list that I'm on great terms with!

Chuck- I refuse.

Louis- He's busy wearing stupid J.Crew cardigans and dressing like a Kennedy while being an asshole and offending people, probably.

Ted- Besides creeping on my Snapchats, who knows? Probably still desperately searching for love.

Rafael- Probably out banging half of Chicago- without using a condom.

Ezra- Probably still heartbroken over his ex- but I heard he's transferring schools!

Target Guy- Who knows, and who cares?

Johnson- WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE TERRIBLE MEN FINDING GIRLFRIENDS?!

Jason- UGH, he still looks stupid handsome too. I ran into him last week while I was buying tacos and I walked away.

Carter- Still dealing drugs, and showing up in Blair's summer classes.

Derek- Still single, and still not getting back with his three year ex girlfriend even though he clearly loves her.

Nash- Still creeping on Snapchat, and hoping that Chuck and I don't get back together.

-

And the person I know you're all curious about...

Blair- Living life, working towards her goals and being undeniably sassy. Still going on adventures, still dating terrible men, and still blogging about it.

Be Nice To The Boys in Chicago, Elizabeth

“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

-

"You're a three for three, do you know what that means?" My uncle asked, drunkenly, as I stood there awkwardly, trying to escape his grasp.

He looked deep into my eyes, and stared at me, intensely.

"You're young, you're beautiful, and you're intelligent."

I thanked him, and as I tried to walk off, he grabbed my forearm.

"Be nice to the boys in Chicago, okay, Elizabeth?"

-

Hell fucking no, I wasn't going to be nice to the boys in Chicago, because they were completely NOT nice to me. I had thought about it, in retrospect, all the guys that I've dated (or not dated), and at first I thought to myself, "Elizabeth Bui, maybe you're being a little bit harsh on these guys, maybe they aren't so terrible," and then I thought about it for a couple more seconds, and came to the realization that actually, the guys that I've met since the beginning of this blog, are actually pretty damn terrible. If anyone should be getting nice treatment, it should be me, Blair fucking Bui, for all the nonsense that I've had to deal with from these fuckers.

Ted Chang

• Was excessively clingy and weird, and said that he could see me as his wife after like, three dates.
• Was a neanderthal and embarrassed me in the Art Institute
• Got me drunk off moscato, and banged me, even though I didn't really want to
• Used disgusting adjectives to describe normal things- called my dress yummy, called a PAINTING crispy. UM, IS A MANET PAINTING FRIED CHICKEN NOW?
• Could never talk to him, so I always had to go see movies so I could ignore him
• Bossed me around, like a typical stereotypical weird Asian guy

Louis Romney

• Sent me a list of problems he had with me, like what?
• Was super cocky, super Republican, and always mentioned how much older he was than me
• Ran away during one of my work events, when Kayresia asked him what his intentions with me were
• Has five hundred side hos, and probably a secret wife and kids in Hawaii
• Always talked about how he hated Hispanic, and poor people

Rafael Mancilla

• Claimed that he had kidney problems, and that he couldn't go on a sushi date with me, but then still came over and banged me
• AND then totally tried to ghost me
• Basically a twenty three year old fuck boy, with a schwag job, that smokes weed day and night

Target Guy

• Asked me on a date in a grocery store
• Basically told me that he's a pedophile, and that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two
• And then he thought I would go home with him after that???

Johnson Baker

• OH MY GOD
• DON'T GET ME STARTED
• ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER
• Thinks he's the bomb dot com, and can't seem to understand that there's (a fucking lot of) women out there who don't want to date him
• Followed me for twenty blocks, asking me why I wouldn't date/bang/WHATEVER him
• And then in Target too
• And then called me inconsiderate and acted like I was at fault
• Non-stop asked me why I wouldn't date him
• Didn't know what foccacia bread was
• Didn't know what sugar packets were
• Kept acting like something was wrong with me, just because I wouldn't date him
• Basically was an idiot, and a gremlin man-child that would not let shit go, and nonstop asked me why I wouldn't date him, and obviously had weird feelings for me, but was incapable of moving the fuck on

Zayn

• BASICALLY, he took advantage of me when I was really, really, really sad and depressed, and he slept with me even though I wasn't into it, and then he wouldn't leave me alone and kept acting like I was acting weird because I liked him
• WHICH I FUCKING DID NOT EW

Carter Chavez

• Literally a fuck boy, and an idiot
• Sent me pictures of him smoking with his foot
• HIS FOOT
• WHO DOES THAT?!
• Would not stop trying to tap me

Jason

• Basically told me he didn't have to time to "cultivate" (TF?) a relationship, but he's literally on every dating app imaginable
• Talks like a 70's frat star, and the first time he met me, he punched me on my right upper arm, and sometimes I still think it hurts to this day

Derek

• Kept asking me for another chance, and acted like he deserved one, was annoying and super persistent

Kevin

• Got like, $100 worth of free consultations
• Basically tried to tap me, got rejected, and then stole my business idea

Chuck Fucking Cuevas

And then I sat there, incapable of making that last list. I looked at that name, and I didn't even know what to say. Chuck and I really have had our ups and downs this semester, and we really have been through a lot. He sat there, and watched me date (and bang) other guys, right in front of him, and he didn't say anything. And I understand that he didn't say anything because he didn't think it was his place, but in the end, it bothered the hell out of him, and he just didn't say anything. And don't I deserve someone that will say something? Someone that cares so passionately about me, that they'd go after me and say something?

And it's not like Chuck never says anything- there was the time that he was adorably annoying as fuck, and kept sending me passive-aggressive messages in order to talk to me, when I was ignoring him. But I had only ignored him, and walked away because he wasn't there for me, when I needed him to be. And I walked away because he didn't say anything, and because he let me.

And he's been around recently, as much as I want to pretend like everything is perfect and dandy, and magical between us- it doesn't change the fact that he can't be with anyone right now. AND YES, it's sweet that if he could, it would be me, in a heartbeat, but I just... I need him to say anything. I need him to say something, and I need him to give me something that's worth waiting and fighting for. Because right now, I honestly just don't know. 

And the last thing I said to him was on Thursday morning, and he didn't say anything back. And now it's the night before he's going to leave, and he still hasn't said anything. And I know it's silly, and I should just say something- but I'm always the one who says something. It wasn't even a big crazy message, I literally just messaged him back something normal- and he just didn't say anything! 

And maybe it's because we both don't know what this is, or what's going on. I mean, I really don't...I've been sneaking around secretly with Chuck, but who knows what's going to happen, or if it's worth it. And I wish that I was as fearless as I used to be, and that I could just dive headfirst, and belly up. But the same question keeps asking me, "Did you crawl out of the pit he threw you in, and climb that mountain...just for this?"

Is Chuck really it, Blair?

And I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I just know that he hasn't said anything- and I need him to say anything.

Great Love

What we have is a great love. It's complicated. Intense. All-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in."
-Blair Waldorf 

-

I don't even know where to begin..

I woke up this morning expecting to be in a blissful state of happiness at the recent events that are happening in my life, but found myself listening to Adele, Sam Smith, and *the* song that reminds me of Chuck most. And I had never, ever, expected myself to be in this place again.

The Art Institute of Chicago is one of my favorite places in the entire world, it is one of my favorite places to go. I can just wander and lose myself, and it's so incredibly easy to do.

I took Chuck there when we had first started dating, and in half an hour the two of us rushed through the entire building, his hand intertwined with mine, as I led him through one of my favorite places, in the entire world.

I felt so much in that half an hour we spent, but most importantly, I felt that I loved Chuck. It was a feeling that had been hovering around me, and I was unsure over what was consuming me. I was scared to acknowledge it, and pushed it away a bit out of fear, but after that night, I realized that I was falling in love with Chuck. This boy was slowly becoming the most important person in my world- whether I was ready or not. It hit me like a huge Seurat- I was falling, and I couldn't stop.

I went with Ted, and it was terrible. The three and a half hours we spent there was agonizing, and I could not stand it. This was one of my favorite places in the entire world- and as I walked around with this buffoon, I quickly realized, "I would be having a much better time without him."

I really would.

But I couldn't just end it, could I?

Wasn't Ted supposed to be everything that I wanted? A knight in shining armor?

My mind was clouded with thoughts, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt like I didn't even know myself anymore, and as I wondered what Blair Waldorf would do, the solution quickly came to my mind.

There was one person, in this entire world who knew me better than I knew myself, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

Chuck and I made plans to meet up, we were going to go for a run together inside the rec center next door to my building.

As I waited for a response, I got one that I would have never imagined in my entire life. Chuck was going to run from his place to mine, From South Campus, to West Campus.

The last time Chuck ran across campus for me was on one of our very first dates. He was on East Campus, and I was on West Campus, waiting for him to show up for our movie date. He had lost track of time, and was quite late- and so, instead of taking the bus like a normal, functioning human, Chuck had ran across campus to meet me.

I immediately thought of this memory, and my heart beat a bit faster, as I scolded my involuntary response.

My heart smiled at this memory, and my mind told it to stop.

"You have feelings for Louis," it reminded me.

As I stood by the track, I saw him walking up the stairs, and the feeling immediately hit me. Heart beating faster, weak knees, brain wanting to scold the rest of my body.

As soon as I saw him, the feeling hit me.

"I think you know what you have to do," Chuck said, as we ran around the track.

"I thought that I had wanted someone to do all of these things for me," I admitted, "But I just want chemistry, fire, I want to be so crazy in love that it hurts sometimes. That even though it might drive me crazy, that I feel something."

The rest of the conversation was a cloudy mess, I remember stating that I thought Louis and I had fire, because I was completely lying. Louis and I did not have fire, Chuck and I did, and as I spent more and more time talking to him, it became so unbelievably obvious. Louis and I might have had a little flame, but Chuck and I had fire.

I laughed, I smiled, and my heart beat unbelievably fast, as I felt something, for the first time, in a long time.

We talked about the break up, about how he didn't mean to handle it the way he did, and how it seemed like it wasn't important because I had dated again so quickly. But most importantly, for the first time, Chuck admitted that it was hard, he told me that he was still adjusting and that I was a year of his life. And everything that he had said, about putting up a facade, and not knowing how to react, it all just made me feel even more.

I had painted Chuck out as this big, bad guy that had broken my heart and tossed me into a ditch, but it wasn't like that. I had tried so hard to forget what the breakup was about, I tried so hard. It wasn't about him not wanting me- it was about him not wanting himself. It was about how he didn't, and couldn't understand himself. It was about how he needed to figure himself out.

As he left for the locker room, and I sat by myself and waited, the same three words kept repeating in my head.

You love Chuck.

I tried to deny it, as I sat there, on the fluorescent blue mat. But it was inevitable, I had felt something. As tears ran down my face, I couldn't deny that it was true. I had thought that I was fine, I had thought that I had moved on, and I had thought that I had survived. But as soon as I saw him, I knew- it wasn't over.

Chuck made me feel something I had never felt, and hadn't felt since we broke up. It's almost indescribable in a way, how I feel about him. It's this force between the two of us that's undeniable, this pull, and this fire. I love him so much that I let him go three months ago, because no matter how much I wanted him to stay, what mattered so much more was that he was happy. He had pulled me in so easily, and effortlessly.

And as much as I had tried to resist, I couldn't.

As he walked up the stairs, I gained my composure, and as he looked at me, I could tell he knew, but neither of us spoke of it.

Irrevocably Crazy

“Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.”
- Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

-

I told Casey what I thought and she told me that if it doesn't work out with Ted, then I need to take a break and work on my self...which I totally don't think is the problem with this whole thing. It's a matter of chemistry actually, and I've never been in this situation where I feel something for both guys, but as I went for my run yesterday, I thought about everything.

It's not like I don't have feelings for Ted, of course I do. Ted Chen is the sweetest, most thoughtful guy in the entire world. He always texts and calls when he's supposed to, he remembers the little things and asks me about my day. He opens doors for me, and is everything that I thought that I would want in the perfect guy. And he is incredibly romantic- knock your socks off romantic. Whenever I get back from a date, my friends swoon over how romantic and incredible he is. And he's hot, of course.

And I do like Ted, it's not like I don't and I'm trying to convince myself, there's just something slightly missing. I like him, in a sweet, smile, make your heart melt sort of way, but there's just no fiery, crazy, confusing force between us. I mean, isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Maybe it's because I've been hesitant, I mean...most girls would be, after what happened with Chuck and Louis.
The force between Louis is something that I cannot explain, but that I have seen only once before, in my entire life. When Serena and I were sixteen, she dated this guy named Jay who was in short, the world's biggest pretentious asshole. Scratch that, he is actually second to Louis. Jay would speak in crappy metaphors and use arrogant euphemisms, he would look at the world though a pair of lens that he himself instilled- redder than rose colored lens. These lens that he viewed the world through made him the most important aspect, and shrunk the rest of the people around us down to the ground. Jay thought that he was hot shit, and even though he was one of the worst guys we know, Serena and him had this intense chemistry that you couldn't deny. Whenever the two of them were together, it seemed like the world would erupt, that the force between them would shatter the world into two pieces.

She couldn't stand Jay, she thought he was absolutely terrible, but she could not deny how he made her feel, and how he made her body feel. The heart beating faster, the weak feeling that slowly hovered over her entire body, and the feeling in her gut that told her that she wanted him, more than anything else, as the voice in her brain telling her to think logically faded away.

And I thought she was irrevocably crazy. I didn't know how she could have feelings for a guy, totally normal feelings, but also have this intense chemistry with Jay. Couldn't she just suppress it?

And then, yesterday, after hanging out with Louis, I realized that she totally couldn't- because I couldn't. There was just something between us, it was there, and I couldn't deny it. But I know that Ted is the right choice, because he is sweet and caring, and I'm still getting to know him.

Blair: I am having a romance-style existential crisis.
Serena: What?
B: I'm attracted to Louis. And I like Ted of course! I just can't deny that there's a total attraction between us. Even though I fucking can't stand him.
S: Okay, Louis might be a babe... but he's a moron.
B: I know but there's this crazy attraction, like a fire burning flame. Like the shit between you and Jay!
S: Let me remind you. But then when you step back and realize that they're idiots. They might have crazy chemistry with you but they're idiots and you're gonna wanna kill them when you're not sucking face. Louis is who you keep for a fuck buddy.
B: I KNOW, but the chemistry! The fire. I'm obviously going to stay with AJ but holy shit...the fire.
S: But don't date Louis because you'll probably end up murdering him and throwing him into the river.
B: It annoys me because he's so goddamn annoying. And going to jail is not part of my plan!
S: No it is not, and especially not for some fool ass nigga.
B: BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN RIGHT???
S: Yessss
B: You can't stand them but there's this fiery intense force. Oh my god whenever I'm around him I can feel it.
S: Maybe you need to fuck him to get it out of your system.

My jaw dropped. HOLY FUCK this took a crazy turn. I couldn't sleep with Louis- I think it would emotionally tear me apart, and also be super unfair to Ted.

B: FUCK LOUIS?
S: Like the itch you can't scratch!
B: But what about Ted?
S: But you must scratch it. Have you made it exclusive or official with Ted? If you haven't you're still a single woman, and single women can do whatever the fuck they want. But if you've had the talk with Ted...yeah no.
B: NOPE.
S: WELL.
B: But it's not fair to Ted!
S: Hmmmm true. But how do you know he's still not talking to people?
B: SERENA IMAGINE IF YOU FUCKED JAY.
S: I CAN'T I HAVE BOYFRIEND. Plus I don't want a hole in my body. I would need stitches- no good.

The two of us talked endlessly, and caught up- which actually was exactly what I needed. I knew that what I needed to do was more clear- I just needed to stay with Ted, and open myself up a little more. But it wasn't a bad idea to have a second opinion, right?

Audrey: In the end it's not worth it. You'll eventually grow tired...at least I did. Because I want to win in every situation.
Blair: Okay, I'll stick to Ted like I was planning.
A: Yeah, that would be best.
B: He's a good guy.
A: I know he is...I can tell that he was raised by caring parents.
B: Don't say anything, but I hung out with Louis yesterday. And I couldn't deny that there was chemistry- but I would never choose him. Because I would throw him off of the top of our apartment building. His annoying old ass.
A: Dude I know what you mean...so I think Louis is more of  a chase... you might just be infatuated with him but practically Ted is more compatible for you. It's like a 'you want what you can't have' kind of thing. Ted is too available and obsessed with you, so it gets boring. And Louis is the opposite so you have to work for it.

I called her, and we talked for hours about this. And ultimately, I knew what I had to do.