Maybe one day I can have a reunion with myself. 

-Sebastian Bach

-

Before I blogged on Cliches in Chicago, I blogged on a tumblr called Sass of Chicago. I unfortunately, and stupidly deleted all of the writings on that blog, in a moment of dramatics. I cursed that blog, and my previous single life, because I was sooo in love with Chuck Cuevas. Now, as a quasi-adult, I understand that you should never give anything up, especially your poignant, beautifully written and hilarious blog about your adventures in dating (okay...maybe kissing..) terrible boys. But now I'm an adult, and I know to never delete your blog for anyone. 

I have a story for all of you. In my fit of annoyance/fed uppance with Chuck, I signed up for Tinder. I remember my fondest foray into Tinder, meeting Jake Reagan and becoming completely infatuated with him. And of course, I remembered my worst- meeting that stupid architect Ted, that called that painting crispy and having him annoy the fuck out of me.

When I downloaded it, of course I wasn't serious about it- I was just curious. I mean, can you blame me? I had the earth shattering realization (once again) that Chuck Cuevas was a fucking asshole, and was completely embarrassed that I thought for even a split moment that things would be sunshine and rainbows. And the realization that regardless of how long we've been together or how much fun we have, Chuck may never stop spontaneously disappearing. And can you imagine that? ME, ELIZABETH LEONA BUI dealing with this bullshit when I have kids with him or something?

"Sorry, kids, your dad just disappeared because he can't deal with shit...again."

My daughter would look back at me in her Kate Spade for girls dress, and throw her mini Maisie bag on the fucking ground. As my son sits there, in his J.Crew button down and bright Chubbies shorts and baby Sperries. They'd be like, "Um, mom, are you really putting up with this bullshit?"

And as I sat there, I realized, "HOLY FUCK, I've been through a lot with Chuck."

Yeah, he was all, "We're going to be okay, we're going to get through this, there's going to be good times and bad times, but we're going to get through this. We're going to be fine," but holy fucking shit, this MF has a lot of fits. And I understand, there's been times when I get mad or upset, but I've never just disappeared or not talked about it.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyways, so I made a Tinder, and then promptly deleted it.

Blair: What kind of tacos?
Guy on Tinder: It's a simple recipe. I just wrap a tortilla around my dick and stick it in your mouth until the secret sauce comes out, most girls find it delicious ;)

EW.

BOY, BYE.

Maybe the universe just wants me to be alone forever, and to be in Chuck Cueva's crazy limbo. Just watch, guys, I'll be fifty years old and Chuck will still be telling me, "I need you to wait two years for me."

Okay, I feel like my life has the makings of a romantic comedy- I've met so many guys in quasi-cute ways, and spontaneously. It just is missing the part where I fall in love and meet the perfect guy. In my romantic comedy, these meet-cutes end in me going on a date with them, finding out that I don't like them at all in about .26 milliseconds, and then having the date end in them begging me for a second chance or another date.

I've been reunited with a guy from three years ago, I've been asked out randomly in Target, I've even met a guy on a fucking elevator (and we have had MANY moments in said stupid elevator), but this is real life. In real life, perfectly handsome guys aren't everywhere, and in real life you go months without having sex or going on a date. And when you do go on a date...it's definitely not like you thought it'd be like.

And as I sat there reminiscing, I couldn't help but wonder...what exactly have these guys been up to?

-

Haz- He is on my Do Not Social Media Stalk list- he is probably still living with the girl he dated as soon as we broke up, who he claims he's super in love with. Yes, he did confess his undying love to me like two years ago while they were dating.

Tom- He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and he's just been posting pictures of him being alone or with friends, broing it up. How awkward.

Bill- Has a girlfriend as awkward, condescending, and fake artsy/wannabe hipster as him.

Sexy Drake- Oh my gosh, why is he still super freaking hot. It's okay, guys, I'm just going to keep reminding myself about how he tried to do butt stuff with me, and that he's not that super hot (but he is)

James- Still dating this girl, is going to be living with Chuck... whatever.

Alejandro- Oh my god, even this thirsty MF has a girlfriend...what the hell?!?

Luke- HOW ARE ALL THESE GUYS GETTING GIRLFRIENDS?!?

Johnny- In Peoria for his residency, pining after Elizabeth Bui. Just kidding guys, he's in residency and probably macking on nurses.

Jake- Living in Milwaukee, being stupidly charming and handsome.

Toronto- I don't even need to Google this one- he has a girlfriend now too! I see him all the time when I go to work, because his job is working facilities in the building where our office is located. He actually is the only guy on this list that I'm on great terms with!

Chuck- I refuse.

Louis- He's busy wearing stupid J.Crew cardigans and dressing like a Kennedy while being an asshole and offending people, probably.

Ted- Besides creeping on my Snapchats, who knows? Probably still desperately searching for love.

Rafael- Probably out banging half of Chicago- without using a condom.

Ezra- Probably still heartbroken over his ex- but I heard he's transferring schools!

Target Guy- Who knows, and who cares?

Johnson- WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE TERRIBLE MEN FINDING GIRLFRIENDS?!

Jason- UGH, he still looks stupid handsome too. I ran into him last week while I was buying tacos and I walked away.

Carter- Still dealing drugs, and showing up in Blair's summer classes.

Derek- Still single, and still not getting back with his three year ex girlfriend even though he clearly loves her.

Nash- Still creeping on Snapchat, and hoping that Chuck and I don't get back together.

-

And the person I know you're all curious about...

Blair- Living life, working towards her goals and being undeniably sassy. Still going on adventures, still dating terrible men, and still blogging about it.

Be Nice To The Boys in Chicago, Elizabeth

“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

-

"You're a three for three, do you know what that means?" My uncle asked, drunkenly, as I stood there awkwardly, trying to escape his grasp.

He looked deep into my eyes, and stared at me, intensely.

"You're young, you're beautiful, and you're intelligent."

I thanked him, and as I tried to walk off, he grabbed my forearm.

"Be nice to the boys in Chicago, okay, Elizabeth?"

-

Hell fucking no, I wasn't going to be nice to the boys in Chicago, because they were completely NOT nice to me. I had thought about it, in retrospect, all the guys that I've dated (or not dated), and at first I thought to myself, "Elizabeth Bui, maybe you're being a little bit harsh on these guys, maybe they aren't so terrible," and then I thought about it for a couple more seconds, and came to the realization that actually, the guys that I've met since the beginning of this blog, are actually pretty damn terrible. If anyone should be getting nice treatment, it should be me, Blair fucking Bui, for all the nonsense that I've had to deal with from these fuckers.

Ted Chang

• Was excessively clingy and weird, and said that he could see me as his wife after like, three dates.
• Was a neanderthal and embarrassed me in the Art Institute
• Got me drunk off moscato, and banged me, even though I didn't really want to
• Used disgusting adjectives to describe normal things- called my dress yummy, called a PAINTING crispy. UM, IS A MANET PAINTING FRIED CHICKEN NOW?
• Could never talk to him, so I always had to go see movies so I could ignore him
• Bossed me around, like a typical stereotypical weird Asian guy

Louis Romney

• Sent me a list of problems he had with me, like what?
• Was super cocky, super Republican, and always mentioned how much older he was than me
• Ran away during one of my work events, when Kayresia asked him what his intentions with me were
• Has five hundred side hos, and probably a secret wife and kids in Hawaii
• Always talked about how he hated Hispanic, and poor people

Rafael Mancilla

• Claimed that he had kidney problems, and that he couldn't go on a sushi date with me, but then still came over and banged me
• AND then totally tried to ghost me
• Basically a twenty three year old fuck boy, with a schwag job, that smokes weed day and night

Target Guy

• Asked me on a date in a grocery store
• Basically told me that he's a pedophile, and that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two
• And then he thought I would go home with him after that???

Johnson Baker

• OH MY GOD
• DON'T GET ME STARTED
• ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER
• Thinks he's the bomb dot com, and can't seem to understand that there's (a fucking lot of) women out there who don't want to date him
• Followed me for twenty blocks, asking me why I wouldn't date/bang/WHATEVER him
• And then in Target too
• And then called me inconsiderate and acted like I was at fault
• Non-stop asked me why I wouldn't date him
• Didn't know what foccacia bread was
• Didn't know what sugar packets were
• Kept acting like something was wrong with me, just because I wouldn't date him
• Basically was an idiot, and a gremlin man-child that would not let shit go, and nonstop asked me why I wouldn't date him, and obviously had weird feelings for me, but was incapable of moving the fuck on

Zayn

• BASICALLY, he took advantage of me when I was really, really, really sad and depressed, and he slept with me even though I wasn't into it, and then he wouldn't leave me alone and kept acting like I was acting weird because I liked him
• WHICH I FUCKING DID NOT EW

Carter Chavez

• Literally a fuck boy, and an idiot
• Sent me pictures of him smoking with his foot
• HIS FOOT
• WHO DOES THAT?!
• Would not stop trying to tap me

Jason

• Basically told me he didn't have to time to "cultivate" (TF?) a relationship, but he's literally on every dating app imaginable
• Talks like a 70's frat star, and the first time he met me, he punched me on my right upper arm, and sometimes I still think it hurts to this day

Derek

• Kept asking me for another chance, and acted like he deserved one, was annoying and super persistent

Kevin

• Got like, $100 worth of free consultations
• Basically tried to tap me, got rejected, and then stole my business idea

Chuck Fucking Cuevas

And then I sat there, incapable of making that last list. I looked at that name, and I didn't even know what to say. Chuck and I really have had our ups and downs this semester, and we really have been through a lot. He sat there, and watched me date (and bang) other guys, right in front of him, and he didn't say anything. And I understand that he didn't say anything because he didn't think it was his place, but in the end, it bothered the hell out of him, and he just didn't say anything. And don't I deserve someone that will say something? Someone that cares so passionately about me, that they'd go after me and say something?

And it's not like Chuck never says anything- there was the time that he was adorably annoying as fuck, and kept sending me passive-aggressive messages in order to talk to me, when I was ignoring him. But I had only ignored him, and walked away because he wasn't there for me, when I needed him to be. And I walked away because he didn't say anything, and because he let me.

And he's been around recently, as much as I want to pretend like everything is perfect and dandy, and magical between us- it doesn't change the fact that he can't be with anyone right now. AND YES, it's sweet that if he could, it would be me, in a heartbeat, but I just... I need him to say anything. I need him to say something, and I need him to give me something that's worth waiting and fighting for. Because right now, I honestly just don't know. 

And the last thing I said to him was on Thursday morning, and he didn't say anything back. And now it's the night before he's going to leave, and he still hasn't said anything. And I know it's silly, and I should just say something- but I'm always the one who says something. It wasn't even a big crazy message, I literally just messaged him back something normal- and he just didn't say anything! 

And maybe it's because we both don't know what this is, or what's going on. I mean, I really don't...I've been sneaking around secretly with Chuck, but who knows what's going to happen, or if it's worth it. And I wish that I was as fearless as I used to be, and that I could just dive headfirst, and belly up. But the same question keeps asking me, "Did you crawl out of the pit he threw you in, and climb that mountain...just for this?"

Is Chuck really it, Blair?

And I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I just know that he hasn't said anything- and I need him to say anything.

Nothing Except For A Courting Device

“A #GIRLBOSS is someone who’s in charge of her own life. She gets what she wants because she works for it. As a #GIRLBOSS, you take control and accept responsibility. You’re a fighter – you know when to throw punches and when to roll with them. Sometimes you break the rules, sometimes you follow them, but always on your own terms. You know where you’re going, but can’t do it without having some fun along the way. You value honesty over perfection. You ask questions. You take life seriously, but you don’t take yourself too seriously. You’re going to take over the world, and change it in the process. You’re a badass.” 

-Sophia Amoruso

-

"Blair Bui Consulting has launched!

Running on hopes, dreams, and dedication (more like blood, sweat, tears), Blair has officially launched her business, Blair Bui Consulting.

Thank you to everyone for their support, and for the BB team (Shay, Shane, and Blair)

Special thanks to Cora, Matthew, Kevin, and everyone who listened to me talk nonstop about how excited I was."

-

I looked at the launch email, and smiled. This was happening. 

My only client was a guy that wasn't paying me a penny, but that was okay, because I had a business and she was mine, all mine. 

As I walked down the street, Anders appeared out of no where, waving at me. Still cute as I remembered, hair still sandy blonde, still ridiculously handsome.

I awkwardly waved, and then was abruptly interrupted.

"EY, you!"

I turned around to see a random European man. It was about 9 pm at night, and I was wandering the streets of Chicago alone. Within the two seconds that I had said hello to Anders, there seemed to be no one in a one mile radius of me and this sketchy European man.

"FUCK, I just started a business and I'm about to die already," I thought to myself, as I called the most recent person that I had texted.

"I have faith in you, I think you're going to make it happen. You don't seem like a lazy person at all, and you're motivated."

"And I'm a bitch," I added.

"Well, that's necessary in business," Will said. I was glad that Serena's boyfriend (basically husband) was such a rad guy, and he gave me a little bit of motivation in my current client-less state. Although we were running on faith and dreams, hope and magic, I couldn't help but wonder why I wasn't rollin' in Benjamins Jeffersons already. I had put up the posters, I had made a plan, and I was determined! I know that businesses take time to set off, but I really was excited.

Not to mention, I already sent that launch email out to people, including my ex boyfriend, who absolutely cannot know that my business is stagnant. 

Although I was loving the fire that I had found within myself, I couldn't help but feel a little bit lonely. I hadn't gone on a date in a long, long time. And my strings hadn't been really plucked (as in I enjoyed it) since Rafael and I hooked up in early February. 

"Maybe you should meet someone rad?" I thought to myself. It wasn't a crazy idea, having a boyfriend wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I'm a very particular lady, and I gave up on dating after going on so many dates that left me feeling disappointed. It's not like the guys weren't nice...ish. Or decent- there was just no fire or magic. No sparks. And that's what I want. As I thought about it, my train of thought was interrupted.

Blair: CAN WE ACKNOWLEDGE HOW CARTER TOLD ME HE'D GET ME FIVE CLIENTS IF I BANGED HIM?

Will: Aren't you giving away free consultations anyways?

Oh, right. In a desperate attempt marketing strategy genius idea to get clients, I sent out a blast saying that I was going to give out free consultations to the first 16 people from our email list that signed up for consultations. So far, none of them bit.

Blair: Just to people in our email list. The first 16!

Will: Tell him ten clients and you'll have a deal.

Never!

Kevin: I'm well aware us guys are fuckers. I'm guilty as charged hahaha

Blair: I'm going to print my posters, and I know because you tried to tap me freshman year

He really did, though. The cliffnotes version is that Thirsty Kevin went around telling people that we were a thing, and that I was his girlfriend...when I ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WAS NOT. During that time I was dating Haz, and Kevin was constantly trying to tap me- his attempts were weird and desperate. Long story short, I eventually told him that I was dating Haz and that I didn't like him, and he got mad and claimed that he never liked me. And this is after he tricked me into a date, and told everyone we were a thing!

BUT that is a story for another time.

Kevin: Lol nahhh

He did, you guys. He's totally lying.

Kevin: Not that there's anything wrong with you. I just don't consider myself that thirsty

He is, you guys. Don't be fooled.

Blair: Lol okay Kevin.

Kevin: If I wanted to sleep with you, I'd make it happen hahahahahah

I took a deep breath. 

Time and time again, I always find myself in the position where I have to tell an entitled guy that just because he wants to bang me, doesn't mean that he gets to bang me. Just because he likes me, does not mean that I am obligated to like him too. LIKE HOLY FUCK, is this such a hard concept to grasp?! Just because you want to stick your peen inside of me, doesn't mean that I magically want you.

BOY, BYE.

Blair: Uh, no.

Kevin: I'd get all Romeo and Juliet romantic

This goes to show further how he does not pay attention to me, other than trying to tap me. If you've read even a sentence off of this blog, you would know that I hate cheesy mushy romantic garbage. I hate the weird moments of magic that people try to force, and I hate long ass good morning texts. I hate weird romantic gestures, because the fact of the matter is, they never come from guys you want. 

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I would have loved a weird romantic gesture from Chuck, or Rafael, or Louis. But I've never gotten them from them, I've only gotten them from cheesy desperate losers who need to use weird romantic shit as a crutch to get me to like them. Because girls are blinded by that shit (not me), and seem to believe that if a guy does cheesy shit for you, then that is love, and that is magic. And that is not the case.

Blair: You've already tried that. That definitely doesn't work on me. You need to read women and their personality.

God, Kevin better start paying me if I'm going to teach him how to get women.

Kevin: My version will be on point.

Ew. 

Kevin: I'd get you with corny one liners baby

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

Blair: Read at 11:35 pm

I screenshotted the messages and sent them to Shane and Shay.

Shay: Lmfao is he for real! No wonder his relationship didn't work out... Sounds like a complete ass smh

Shane: Lol I've been away from my phone and come back to whatever the hell is going on here

Awesome, now I have absolutely no clients. At least before I had one client. He just wasn't really paying me anything. My business was not a courting device, I wasn't going to deal with Kevin anymore. Of course I was glad that he had gotten better and we helped him...I just didn't want to help him like that.

I went back to my list of desperate attempts marketing strategy genius ideas. I had attempted to get an endorsement from the guy who ran Humans of UNI, but he just politely said, "Fuck you, Blair, you didn't let me tap you so screw you and your business."

OKAY, I'm paraphrasing, but that's kind of what happened. The guy that ran Humans of UNI, long story short, was basically obsessed with me last year when I was dating Chuck. He would message me every week asking for photoshoots and to meet up with him- he wanted to make an album and portfolio of just pictures of me! He would not stop messaging me, or leaving me alone, even when I didn't answer his messages and tried to swerve him. He knew I had a boyfriend, but he literally would not go away. Of course I was kind of flattered, it was kind of sweet in a super annoying and creepy way, but his persistence was ridiculous. It was gross.

I stopped for a moment.

WHAT IF I'M GOING TO NEED JOHNSON'S HELP IN LIKE A YEAR?

I groaned. At this point, if I'm going to progress my business, I might as well decide to never date again.

I had asked one more person for help, as my team needed a design person. I asked Derek for help. And spoiler alert, he tried to use my business as a courting device too.

Derek: I'll need to hear more about the company first haha when can you meet up to talk more about it?

Um, never?

I knew what Derek was trying to pull, he was trying to lure me into a "business meeting" so he could get his second chance at dating, and banging me. This wasn't happening.

AND, he definitely did not need to hear more about the company because the concept was pretty damn simple. I, Blair Bui, do relationship consultations in all aspects.

Blair: This should be sufficient.

I texted him the site link, and thought it would appease him. It did not.

In the shortest way possible to explain this, Derek basically decided to send his criticisms and judgmental bullshit, questioning my company and how I ran it. Just because I wouldn't meet his ass to give him another chance! 

I groaned.

I decided after all of this that I would take care of it myself. I wouldn't need any help from any guys that I swerved- I didn't need UNI guy's endorsement (well, I kinda do, he has hella influence on campus), or Derek's design skills. I was going to do this all by my damn self, and it was going to be perfectly okay.

"Blair, your business is literally nothing except for a courting device used by creepy guys. Your assets are -$30."

I sighed. I walked out of the library, and looked up to see Chuck's apartment building. A light was on in his window, although it was late at night. Even though the fire I found from my business was satisfying me emotionally, I definitely was lacking physically.

I looked at the window, and then looked away. Although for a split second, I will admit that I doubted myself, I didn't go through all of this to go back to square one. And I made this business for a reason, to help people be strong enough to move forward and pave their own paths- and I wasn't going to give up on it. I valued it, and I believed in it, even if it seemed like every damn guy only saw it as a courting device.

Plus One

"To be an ideal guest, stay at home."

 -E. W. Howe

-

"Are you coming to the dessert party my wife is throwing?" my boss asked me, as I walked into his office.

"Yeah, of course!" I said, as I realized that I had completely forgotten about it. My boss was a rich older man who lived right across the street from Millennium Park. His building was full of basketball players and celebrities, as he was basically loaded. His wife was the typical successful older lady as well, throwing fancy parties and events to network and impress people.

One of them being this dessert party, with prosecco and wine.

"You know you have a plus one, right?" He said, eyeing me carefully. I looked at him awkwardly, and nodded. He made a small face before saying his next response.

"But you don't have to bring one if you don't have one."

I stood there, awkwardly. His response to this could have been one of two things-

1. Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.
2. Blair, last time you brought a plus one, he ran away.
3. Blair, you are lonely AF.

"I'll bring one," I said, adamantly, as I walked off. My red ballet flats tapped across the surface of the wood floor, as I scurried off to my desk.

"FUCK, BLAIR, why did you say that?"

-

Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.

To be fair, there have only been two big work events that have occurred, and the boy I brought to the first one I thought was going to be my plus one for life. I literally thought that Chuck and I were going to be forever, because I was young and naive, and I thought that he was going to be my plus one from then on forward. To infinity and beyond.

And okay, I kind of, sort of thought that the second boy that I took to the second work event was going to be attending a couple more, but then he ended up running away! Not my fault.

OKAY, and I'm twenty and relationships aren't forever, so no one should really be expected to bring the same person, unless it's their spouse, to every single freaking event. ESPECIALLY if they're months apart!

Blair, last time you bought a plus one, he ran away.

I'm going to make this as painless as possible, by stealing the little snippet of a story from a previous blog post. I'm not going to go into crazy detail- I think if I do, it'll make me want to throat punch Louis Romney.

*coughs and opens up storybook (aka blog archives)*

I ended up taking him to this fancy work event, and as we all sat there in Carnivale, casually enjoying our dinner, Louis decided to offend a lot of people. He acted super classist, super sexist, and well...super conservative. He asked people if they were lower level employees, and it was just a huge mess overall. 

Louis is... ultra conservative. He only cares about the economy, hates poor people, hates Hispanic people, doesn't believe in feminism, He is actually Romney and Trump in twenty nine year old youngish man form. 

Anyways, we were all somewhat casually enjoying this nice dinner, when suddenly, Kayresia turned to Louis, and asked, "Louis, what are your intentions with Blair?"

A gut wrenching feeling hit me, as I turned and looked at him, noticing that he looked like Kayresia just smacked him in the head with a frying pan.

I didn't need for Louis to say that he wanted to be with me forever, I just needed him to not care that she did that, but instead Louis got up, and ran away. Louis completely disappeared, and then reappeared twenty minutes later with two HUGE drinks. In front of my entire staff.

And to this day, I don't know what was more embarassing about that incident...him running away in the middle of dinner, or him acting ultra conservative during dinner.

Everyone at work laughed at the fact that Louis ran away, and thought that he was an asshole. That's how that saga ended. No one ever said anything to my face really, except Cora when she said he was a fucking asshole. But I'm sure everyone talked about it plenty behind my back, all, "Poor Blair."

Blair, you are lonely AF.

Okay, first of all, I am not lonely AF. I am living a good life where I watch Grey's Anatomy and eat kale in my bed. And where I hang out with my friends, drink beer, and do Pilates. I just have no boyfriend or romantic prospects (although people would tell you otherwise), and I'm single AF.

I scanned my brain, and ended up going through every guy I've been on a date with in the past six months.

Chuck Cuevas:

I shook my head immediately. That can't and won't be happening. Because then the two of us would laugh and reminisce about the last time we went to a fancy rich people party, feel the feels about the good times, and then things would be messy and weird. And also, my coworkers would tell him that they've missed seeing him around, and they would assume that we are getting back together.

Plus, even though most people think that Chuck is skinny and awkward, not the hottest, and kinda gross, there's just something about him in nice clothes that makes me weak at the knees, and think, "DAYUM." I can't explain it, for whatever reason, I think Chuck Cuevas is a hottie.

Louis Romney:

Hell to the no, did you not read that previous story? Plus, besides the fact that he is an asshole, he's been pretending that he doesn't know me, because I was the side ho when he had a med school girlfriend.

I am still convinced that he has a wife and kids.


Ted Chang:
People joke that I dumped him because he didn't know what a painting was, but in reality we had absolutely nothing in common, he was weirdly in love with me, and a complete neanderthal. He was SO incredibly stupid, and also short. No way in fuck am I ever talking to him again. He was also incredibly cocky and really weird and annoying, entitled as well.

Sometimes I wish I had told him the truth and that I couldn't stand his ass, instead of chickening out and saying that it was because I still had feelings for Chuck.


Rafael Mancilla:
God, he's sexy. But also a twenty three year old fuck boy. So, pass.

Ezra:

Literally went on one date. No thanks.

Target Guy:

He told me that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two, and then friend to bang me...no thanks.


Johnson:
There are sooooo many reasons why this is an immediate no, besides his annoying gremlin man-child ways, the fact that he's short, and that he's absolutely entitled and crazy. Also if I can't stand him at a nice brunch place, no way in fuck is he going to a fancy AF party at my boss' condo. I can't have him asking me what petit fours are. SORRY NOT SORRY.


Carter Chavez:
He would probably show up high, and then I would slap him across the face, and then he would be sexually aroused by that. I don't really want to be seen or associated with him, and also he's basically classless.


Jason:
Ugh, he's hot. But he also talks like a 70's frat star and is kind of an asshole.

Derek:
Also into me, definitely not into him. No thanks.

Maybe I needed to put an ad out or something.

WANTED: a plus one for a fancy party that my boss is throwing that will impress and dazzle everyone, and more importantly not embarrass me. The last guy I brought was embarrassing, my coworkers are still laughing about it.

You:
-are smart, educated, and intelligent
-have culture and class
-but can also joke around, be funny or a little ridiculous
-have a good career (or path)
-are funny, charming, and a great conversationalist
-taller than 5'9 (I'll compromise)
-do not have any glaring problems
-are not an asshole or Neanderthal

Me:
-is 5'5, 105, and adorably petite
-drinks beer, does Pilates, and is chill AF
-Asian American (but looks ethnically ambiguous)
-is clever, funny, and a pretty great conversationalist
-has hilarious and ridiculous stories
-watches the same terribly funny tv shows you do
-dresses fashionably and very well, has refined style
-will laugh at your terrible jokes
-sassy, brazen, bold, and sure

Pros:
-delicious desserts
-alcohol
-great networking and conversation
-potentially fall in love....or make a great friend (I'm a great wing woman!)

To Carry Hope

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."
-Oscar Wilde

February 15th, 2016

Blair Bui has hung up at 1:18 am.

Chuck: Well shit, I was just saying maybe because I haven't seen James in months. But that doesn't mean that he is any less important in my life.
Blair: Yeah well I'm not James and you know I want it expressed clearly. And also you know I like hanging out with you and talking but I don't want to initiate it every time.
Chuck: Well I'm not you and it is hard for me to initiate things. Hell, I don't even know when the last time I called my own mom was.
Blair: Okay. I don't even know how to respond.
Chuck: I'm saying I'm sorry, Blair.

-

I've been thinking about the message, not straight throughout my mind since it happened, but I've been thinking about it in little bursts. I can't help but think bout the lyft driver, and how he told me to be kind to Derek, even though I didn't like him. But I also think that when he says to be kind, he doesn't mean to be kind to your shitty ex boyfriends that treated you like shit.

I keep wondering if it was rude of me, and if I should have said something. But every time I do, I realize that it's for the best, and that I'm much better off without Chuck around- friend or not. Because I deserve better.

If we're talking about a last call, I deserve a much better last call than a half-assed salty and shady message through Facebook. Last calls are supposed to be daring and romantic, heartbreakingly desperate and tremendously sweet. They take your breath away, they stop you in your tracks, and they capture your heart.

I feel even weird not writing a full port, writing a completely uneventful and totally boring post. But it's been on my mind, as I've been thinking about myself recently. Specifically, me and relationships. Me and dating, me and guys. I've definitely been enjoying singledom- as in, literally me being alone and not trying to date anyone. I've learned so much about myself- what I want in life, who I want to be with, and exactly what I'm looking for. In case you haven't heard me say it five hundred million times- I'm looking for fire, passion, chemistry, and magic. It's one of the few things that hasn't been lost to me.

I remember when I was younger, I was such a romantic. My heart melted at love stories, and the idea of love was just so mystical and enchanting to me. Dates sounded so fun and magical, and for whatever reason, now, I just kind of dread them. I've become, somehow, the cynical bitch that doesn't go on more than one date with the guy, the girl that turns down perfectly nice guys when they're begging her for a second chance. The girl that hangs out with mostly guy friends, and the girl, when she's cuddling with a guy, that thinks, "Shit, how can I get out of this?" And I know it's because I didn't like those guys, and because there wasn't any fire. I know that I need fire too.

But now I'm sitting here, wondering, what if I never find fire again? It's a horrifying thought that maybe, possibly, I'm never going to feel it again. Sometimes I sit there, after a failed date, and I worry that I'm never going to feel fire again. I worry that I'm incapable of feeling something with another person in the future- it's not that I don't think there's a person out there I could feel fire with, it's that I worry I'm never going to find them, or something's going to be off, or just... that they're going to be even more shitty Chuck is. But I don't think about those things too much, those worries aren't what should be on the mind. Worries don't drive you to the future, but hope does.

The hope of finding what you want, and what you deserve is what drives you forward. And for the longest time, I was too afraid to admit that I was hoping for love. It's not the only thing I hope for- obviously I think about school and my career, but I blog about my romantic adventures, so we're going to address the romance part of my life. So, as I was saying, I hope for love. I hope for fire, I hope for magic and fireworks. Sparks, that fuzzy feeling inside that keeps you warm, the feeling of your heart beating faster, excitement, I hope for all of that. You have to keep it with you.

I know that I'm an independent person and I don't need someone to complete me, and all of that, it's just that sometimes life gets lonely, and life gets hard, and it's nice to be able to have someone there for you, at the end of the day. Someone to lay with you and dream, to talk all night and laugh endlessly. To worry about you and to be thinking of you, just, that special someone.

And that's why I can't be going on dates with male strippers or giving away second chances to people that I don't have fire with. It's because I want something real, and the hope of it is what gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside. It's the maybe that drives me, the hopefully that inspires me, and the negative experiences that remind me, what I really deserve.

That Was A Pity

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
-Alexander Pope

-

As I laid there, awkwardly somewhat cuddling with Derek, I was brainstorming ways to leave, or basically, ways to chicken out and get the fuck outta there.

1. Pretend to fall asleep later, and then sneak out.
2. Get dressed hella quick, and then throw everything in your Kate Spade, then run out the door.
3. Go to the bathroom, and climb out the window.
4. Have Shane/Kayresia/Serena call you, pretending that there is an emergency that needs your help
5. Pretend to start crying, and say that you still have feelings for Chuck and that you love him

None of them were viable options.

"We should get to bed soon," Derek said, as he kissed my shoulder and pulled me in closer. I awkwardly wiggled my ass from our spooning, and reached for my shirt.

"It's getting late, I probably should be heading home soon, I work in the morning." I grabbed my skinny jeans (which made my butt look phenomenal), and pulled them on.

"Should I plan an adventure for Thursday or is this it?" Derek asked me, awkwardly.

I was floored that he had straight up asked me this, and completely shocked. Was he really going to do this right now? I literally was trying to put on my clothes and leave! My friends always joke that I have become very stereotypical male about dating- I think this was reinforced by the act that I was contemplating sneaking out earlier when he was sleeping, and that I was now trying to weasel my way out of having to spend the night.

Derek looked at me expectantly, like a middle schooler asking her crush to the school dance. I felt the guilt, and even more, I felt awkward.

"Um, I don't know..." It just came out, and it was very poorly said. In this moment, I really contemplated running out the door barefoot, and throwing my shoes and coat into my Kate Spade bag.

There wasn't anything obviously wrong with him, any glaring problems. There was just no fire, no spark, no.... attraction. Something was missing, and I just didn't feel it. And then, when we were hooking up, I definitely wasn't feeling it (not just because he went um, flat...), although it started off okay, it fell flat. And it wasn't his fault- I just didn't feel it.

It wasn't even me being shallow- Derek was really cute and really nice! I just didn't feel something. And I know I'm capable of it, because I felt it with Chuck Cuevas, that ass.

I remember I liked Chuck so much, and I was so convinced that he wasn't, um, well skilled or well endowed, that I gave myself a pep talk before he came over to be intimate.

"It's okay, Blair, if he's not that good, you really, really like him." I literally told myself that before anything happened- because I had liked him that much!

And with Derek, it was just.... a horribly awkward experience and the fact that k just wanted to run away, reminded me that I did not like him.

"I think I deserve another chance," he admitted, as he looked at me, expectantly.

"Uh, with the sex or with the date?" I asked, awkwardly. I was hoping that he just wanted another shot at...that, because then I wouldn't feel bad at all! Does that make me a terrible person

"Please have him just want to hook up with me, please don't have him like me," I told myself.

I know what you're thinking, "BLAIR BUI, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? A nice, sweet young man wants to date you, and you're secretly hoping that he only wants to bang you, so that you can dump him without feeling bad??" I know it sounds really terrible, I know, but think about how easy it is to reject a guy who's trying to tap you- it's SO easy. It's so easy, that you never remember them, and you laugh it off. Like that guy who asked me out in Target!

Because you remember the really, really nice guys, that you have to let down, because you remember how awkward you felt, and how nice they were. And you remember how you kinda wished that you were attracted to them so that it wouldn't have to happen- except you don't, because you really don't want to date them.

"Both."

Oh shit.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's dumping people. I was too chicken to dump Ted earlier this semester that I chickened out and told him that I still had feelings for Chuck. My freshman year, my cop-out excuse was always. "I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend."

When it came time to dump Johnson, I felt so bad at that time (now looking back, I don't at all and wished I hadn't), that I had ZAYN dump him for me. ZAYN. I literally sat there while Zayn was having the break up conversation with Johnson for me, on my phone!

When it came to Zayn, I was so awkward that I avoided him and didn't talk to him for a while (aka, a month) before I finally fessed up that he had traumatized me and that I was so incredibly weirded out.

And finally, with Chuck, when I decided to never talk to him again, that's simply what I did. One day I made that decision and simply just never talked to him again- and he didn't miss me apparently, because he didn't say anything! You know, until I asked for my stuff back.

I don't know how I did this, and I really wish I remembered, but somehow we managed to stop talking about things and he called me an Uber. I was completely home free, and about to sprint across his lawn, when Derek decided he was going to walk me to the car.... and open the door for me... and then, finally, the cherry on top of an awkward date, he awkwardly kissed me good bye. And then I slammed the door closed.

"Can we please drive away now?" I asked the Uber, turning away from the window. "That was such a terrible date."

"Really? I was just about to say that was so cute!"

I spilled everything to the uber driver, I poured out everything, from Chuck and I breaking up, to how I took a break from dating ever since the Zayn thing, and then finally, the terribly awkward details about that night.

"That boy really likes you. you can tell he does. He's probably thinking about you right now," he said, as he turned on to another street. "He even completed the date, he called you an Uber, walked you out, opened the door, kissed you goodbye- and oh, that was a pity smooch!"

"I know" I said, hiding behind my scarf. "I feel so awkward and so terrible!"

"Don't, little lady, because it happens with dating. It's not your fault, you just don't feel the spark with some people. And don't you ever settle for less than that spark, I know what you're looking for, you're looking for that magic."

And it was what I was looking for. I used to be so frustrated whenever I met a guy that was nice, but I didn't feel sparks with, because I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like it was because I was being too picky or something- but I wasn't, I just didn't feel anything. And I didn't realize it until I took my break, but finding someone you have that fire with, it's not an easy thing

"I am!"

"And all you could have done was give that boy a chance, which you did. So just be gentle, and let him down easy," he said, as he pulled up to my apartment building. "So be kind."

It was something that I was learning how to do, slowly but surely. And I knew even though it might stink, I had to tell Derek the absolute truth. I had been in his situation- totally and utterly excited about someone.

There was a point about a month ago when Jason and I were supposed to go on a date- I was totally secretly excited, and he basically didn't talk to me the entire week until the night before, when he late night texted me that he "didn't have time to cultivate anything romantic." I was fine, of course, but obviously kind of annoyed that he didn't say anything up front, but waited a week to say something! I brushed it off, and ignored it, and then drunkenly threw myself at a College of Medicine after drinking Schmidt's pitcher of beer. BUT ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The point is he should have been honest from the start- because avoiding people, or trying to sneak away isn't very kind.

And it was a lesson that I was still learning (although I would like to add that I'm much kinder than Jason is).

I got a text from Derek, when I got home. I ignored it, and then went upstairs to have a nice, cold beer. Shane had some Busch in his fridge, and I drank it as I told him everything that happened.

"So, you don't like another guy, it happens," Shane said, as he played his Xbox.

I took another sip of my beer, and nodded. "I know, and it happens a lot- but I'm not going to feel bad, and I'm not going to freak out, not that I would. Because this kind of stuff happens, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that something special."

My phone suddenly went off again, and then I peeked to see what was waiting for me.

Derek: Hey how was the uber? Worthy of 5 stars?haha 
Derek: I had a great time despite my difficulties at the end haha i hope you did too, if your still down for another adventure on thursday id love to try again and show you an even better time! 

I wish I was a nice person, and responded to him at three in the morning, but I waited until the next morning, before I texted Derek back.

Blair: You're a great guy and it was nice seeing you again, and yeah it was nice to catch up, but there was just... Something missing. And what happened kind of solidified that. It's not your fault or anything, I'm just missing that spark 
Derek: Yea I agree there was something missing but I still think this is worth one more try. I mean you went on three dates with the weird guy who ate off your plate right?

(Sorry to interrupt but can we take a moment to laugh at how Johnson is known? Okay, okay)

Derek: haha plus like you said you had such high hopes for me after 3 years. If we give it another try I have a feeling I wont dissapoint you again 
Blair: I don't think it's worth trying if neither of us is really feeling it- I think it's best.

I think I'm gonna stick to sitting in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy, and eating hummus.

Wondering

“Let me tell ya. You gotta pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back... I'm telling you.” 

-Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

 -

I shook out my hair from the headband, and then looked in the mirror, to absolute terror. I was mad, justifying it to myself, "Pinterest TOLD me that it would be beautiful Blair Waldorf curls, not THIS!" My hair had coagulated into little lumps and twists, and this was not what to deal with.

I took a deep sigh, ran my fingers through my hair, sprayed some sea salt spray and scrunched it, and shook it out."Good vibes, Blair, good vibes. Let nothing affect your boss ass bitch-ness."

I was proud of myself, it had been officially FOUR (almost five) weeks since I had any contact with Chuck, and I was finally closing that chapter of my life. I told Yael to get my stuff back from Chuck, and I had his stuff boxed up in my apartment, for Chuck to get from Yael's place later this week. For the longest time I couldn't imagine a life without Chuck Crazy-Ass Cuevas, and now it was my reality- my sweet, sweet reality.

And not even a bad hair day could knock me down.

 I was focusing on myself, and had made a lot of really great friends in the process. I was taking on bigger projects at work, and I was kicking ass. I secretly couldn't wait until my presentation on chromosomal inheritance, because I knew I was going to kick that in the ass too.

I had been eating better, and gotten myself out of my lazy makeup slump- today I was rocking a rose gold eye (with perfect liner, may I add), and the perfect lipstick shade for me- a natural mauve-y lip. 

And the best part about all of this? I was doing it for no one else except for ME. ME! I was trying to have good vibes, be a boss ass bitch, and just be happy and spontaneous. I wasn't trying to do it to spite Chuck, and I wasn't wasting my energy on dead relationships, toxic peers, or man boy-child fuck boys, I was putting this energy forwards good. I mean yeah, some nights I ate butternut Mac and cheese and watched It's Always Sunny on Netflix, but it didn't matter, because it was liberating to just live my fucking life.

And even though this was happening, I wasn't going to pretend like I didn't secretly want Derek to ask me out. Kind of sort of, just a bit though. Or kind of sort of just a lot. Maybe.

"Why hasn't he asked me out?" I wondered to myself, as I walked down the pavement. The Chicago winds blew at me, and I instantly felt chilly. "Fuck, why is it so cold?" I stopped next to a big, bulky stone bench, and threw my bag on the bench.

A big, navy patterned tote with light tan accents and straps. It was filled with lipsticks, my Kate Spade planner, paperwork, and pens of assorted colors. I threw on my green jacket, picked up my massive bag, and as I thought I saw someone I didn't want to see for a brief second, I smashed my shin straight into the (literally) rock-hard bench. 

"F-" I suddenly stopped, and looked around to see the crowd of people around me. I took a deep breath, gained my composure, and pretended like my right frontal calf and shin weren't swelling up like a balloon. I pretended like I didn't have a care in the world, and that I didn't feel like sitting flat down on the ground and taking a Lyft two blocks to my next class. With every step, and pretend okay-ness I faked, it hurt like a bitch, and I knew underneath my dark wash skinnys there would be blood, along with purple and yellow.

I somehow managed to make it to grab some lunch, and then went home to ice my shin with frozen vegetables. It was red-hot from the swelling and bloody from the collision. But the ice made the bruises disappear (somewhat), leaving only a faint yellow outline of what disaster could have appeared. But even though that happened, and I was stuck in bed, I couldn't help but laugh and smile because I might have, possibly, maybe had a crush.

-

Three years ago, when I was seventeen and fresh out of the suburbs, I went to college orientation and that little bit of freedom was just the starting point of how I became the independent, sassy, brazen, and ridiculous young lady you all know today. I had never kissed a boy before, hell, I didn't even have a ~real~ boyfriend yet. I had no dates for any of the dances in high school, and had been perpetually alone.

There was no sign of me losing my virginity any time soon, and it didn't matter because I thought it was going to be life changing and with someone extremely special to me (spoiler alert- none of those happened, I was sexually assaulted). I won't go into terrible detail about orientation, mostly because I've forgotten a lot about my past (and don't care to relive it), but I'll fast forward to the part where one of the most magical nights of my entire life began.

My roommate and I were going to check out the party that the orientation leaders threw for us that night- her name was Kameryn and she had the vibe of a cool girl who had a typical name that was spelled completely like the world expected it to be. She effortlessly threw on this yellow tube top, skinny jeans, and heeled boots. I ended up wearing a casual dark purple flowy tank top a la Cece from New Girl, dark wash skinny jeans, and strappy sandals. My hair was pin straight, as that was how I always wore it during that time (I didn't learn about the magic of a curling iron until my sophomore year).

We walked into the party, and it was honestly, the lamest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. The lights were all on, all the orientation leaders stood around the perimeter in their red polos and tan khakis, and the music was playing as people stood awkwardly and one kid danced in the center. We walked in, and then immediately walked out. "I want flaming hot Cheetos," I said, as I walked out. I turned to the vending machine, and my choice, and then plucked the bag out of the bottom of the machine.

"You didn't have fun at that party?" a voice asked, as I got up and turned to look at him.

He stood there, hair perfectly combed over to one side of his head, green plaid button down with the sleeves perfectly folded up, he had on cords and navy boat shoes. He looked like he was hand-picked from a J.Crew catalog just for me.

"No, it sucks, why did you guys?" I asked, with a bit of attitude. It was a bit of sass, but I had never acted this freely before.

"No, we went in and walked right out." I hadn't even noticed his two friends were there, until now. They were both tall, athletic, and honestly, kind of looked like douche bags. I only really name people if they're relevant (lol Johnson didn't even get a name until he interrogated me for twenty blocks!), so we'll coin them Jock #1 and Jock #2, all you really need to know about them is that they both wanted to bang Kameryn.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but I'll never forget how I felt that night. I was liberated and free, and I definitely never forgot how he made feel.

He was sweet and funny, intelligent and witty. We snuck out after curfew (....I know, curfew at college orientation??) and we all ran around the halls of the residence halls and laughed and talked all night. I remember when we played hide and seek, and walked through the dark, he tickled my sides and it made me laugh, you know, after I screamed bloody murder because we were in the dark. For one night, he was my person, and it was like I had never talked to another boy before in my entire life.

But one thing I remember, clearer than ever was when reality hit.

"I think Kam and Jock #1 are in our room right now," I said, laughing. We were sitting on Derek's bed, just the two of us. I felt my heart beat, and thought to myself,

"Blair, you're about to have your first kiss, this is going to happen."

Our legs touched in the most innocent of ways, and we sat together, talking. "You could just, you know, stay over here," he said, politely.

I have been asked plenty of times to stay over at a guy's place in my life, and even now, three years from that moment, I have never had someone ask me, with the sweetest, but romantic, intention that Derek had that night. I knew he was asking me, not to have sex with me, or fuck me, but because he wanted me to stay. I leaned in for a brief second, to say something, when suddenly, the door opened.

Casper crab walked into the room, like a little creature slithering across the floor. I to this day don't know how he managed to open the door and simultaneously crab walk slither into that dorm room. 

"Who's Alessandra Torres?" He asked Derek, as I started to feel a gut feeling in my stomach.

"I added you on Facebook." I turned to look at Derek, both of us waiting for an answer. He took a deep breath, and then answered.

"My girlfriend." I excused myself to use the bathroom, and walked down the hall outside to find the women's bathroom. I got into the stall, and as soon as I did, the door opened and someone walked in. The lights in the bathroom were dim, and there was no one else around for like a twenty foot radius.

"Fuck, it's only my first night at college and I'm about to get killed," I thought to myself.

"YO BLAIR, it's Casper"

"Fuck, it's only my first night at college and I'm about to get raped," I thought to myself. In retrospect, this was very stupid of me to think, and joke about, but I was only seventeen! And I had just left the suburbs. He peed, and then he waited right outside of my stall as I peed. Literally, my seventeen year old mind could not comprehend what the actual fuck was up with him, but my twenty year old mind thinks that this kid was definitely on drugs.

"Blair, you took the longest piss I've ever heard in my entire life, yo!" The rest of the night ended a little after that, I was cordial with Derek, although broken-hearted. The rest of the story didn't end up with me being too broken-hearted, though.

The next day, as we all left orientation, I walked out to the quad to see him standing right in the center.

"Hey, are you leaving orientation?" I asked, stupidly.

"Yeah, I'm heading out, but maybe I'll see you around?"

"Maybe," I said, awkwardly. He looked at me, and then pulled me in to a hug. And I stood there, hugging this guy, as we said goodbye, and never saw each other again.

-

"I can't believe you're having him do this, he definitely can get fired for this," Willa said, as we stood at the main desk of the residence hall.

I had recently started collecting something pretty strange... I had started to collect a door decoration from every guy that I had hooked up with or liked in college (hooked up as in made out with, I was very much a virgin still). It was my freshman year, and I had almost forgotten that Derek even existed.

"Don't worry about it," Derek said, "I won't get caught." He looked through the rosters for the residence halls to see where Derek was staying, and what his room number was.

"Found him! He lives in Courtyard."

The next day, I snuck into the residence hall that Derek lived in, like a little stalker lady. I tip-toed in my black leggings and black ballet flats, and silently walked down the hall, to find the room number written on the piece of paper.

"What if you just knock on the door?" I thought to myself. I lifted my hand, and then put it down.

-

"I can't believe that happened," my friend said, as I sat at the front desk. "Yup, and then I never saw him again," I said, although I knew exactly what they were going to ask me next. "But you're with Chuck now, you guys have been dating for like-"

"Half a year," I said, interrupting him.

I had been dating Chuck for exactly six months, but it didn't stop me from wondering what Derek was up to. It wasn't me wondering what had happened in a terrible way or anything, but it was me wondering what could have happened if I had chosen another path.

There are certain people in your life that will make you wonder what could've happened, and if you let any moments pass you by. You could be like Chuck, and pretend like wondering these things will stop you from moving on, or you can wonder if things could have turned out differently or if you would be in a different place. There's nothing wrong with wondering, although the feelings that wondering may bring up could be a little bit dangerous.

-

And then, three years later, as I scrolled through Facebook, that's exactly who I found, sitting right there, under my suggested friends. Derek.