Maybe one day I can have a reunion with myself. 

-Sebastian Bach

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Before I blogged on Cliches in Chicago, I blogged on a tumblr called Sass of Chicago. I unfortunately, and stupidly deleted all of the writings on that blog, in a moment of dramatics. I cursed that blog, and my previous single life, because I was sooo in love with Chuck Cuevas. Now, as a quasi-adult, I understand that you should never give anything up, especially your poignant, beautifully written and hilarious blog about your adventures in dating (okay...maybe kissing..) terrible boys. But now I'm an adult, and I know to never delete your blog for anyone. 

I have a story for all of you. In my fit of annoyance/fed uppance with Chuck, I signed up for Tinder. I remember my fondest foray into Tinder, meeting Jake Reagan and becoming completely infatuated with him. And of course, I remembered my worst- meeting that stupid architect Ted, that called that painting crispy and having him annoy the fuck out of me.

When I downloaded it, of course I wasn't serious about it- I was just curious. I mean, can you blame me? I had the earth shattering realization (once again) that Chuck Cuevas was a fucking asshole, and was completely embarrassed that I thought for even a split moment that things would be sunshine and rainbows. And the realization that regardless of how long we've been together or how much fun we have, Chuck may never stop spontaneously disappearing. And can you imagine that? ME, ELIZABETH LEONA BUI dealing with this bullshit when I have kids with him or something?

"Sorry, kids, your dad just disappeared because he can't deal with shit...again."

My daughter would look back at me in her Kate Spade for girls dress, and throw her mini Maisie bag on the fucking ground. As my son sits there, in his J.Crew button down and bright Chubbies shorts and baby Sperries. They'd be like, "Um, mom, are you really putting up with this bullshit?"

And as I sat there, I realized, "HOLY FUCK, I've been through a lot with Chuck."

Yeah, he was all, "We're going to be okay, we're going to get through this, there's going to be good times and bad times, but we're going to get through this. We're going to be fine," but holy fucking shit, this MF has a lot of fits. And I understand, there's been times when I get mad or upset, but I've never just disappeared or not talked about it.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyways, so I made a Tinder, and then promptly deleted it.

Blair: What kind of tacos?
Guy on Tinder: It's a simple recipe. I just wrap a tortilla around my dick and stick it in your mouth until the secret sauce comes out, most girls find it delicious ;)

EW.

BOY, BYE.

Maybe the universe just wants me to be alone forever, and to be in Chuck Cueva's crazy limbo. Just watch, guys, I'll be fifty years old and Chuck will still be telling me, "I need you to wait two years for me."

Okay, I feel like my life has the makings of a romantic comedy- I've met so many guys in quasi-cute ways, and spontaneously. It just is missing the part where I fall in love and meet the perfect guy. In my romantic comedy, these meet-cutes end in me going on a date with them, finding out that I don't like them at all in about .26 milliseconds, and then having the date end in them begging me for a second chance or another date.

I've been reunited with a guy from three years ago, I've been asked out randomly in Target, I've even met a guy on a fucking elevator (and we have had MANY moments in said stupid elevator), but this is real life. In real life, perfectly handsome guys aren't everywhere, and in real life you go months without having sex or going on a date. And when you do go on a date...it's definitely not like you thought it'd be like.

And as I sat there reminiscing, I couldn't help but wonder...what exactly have these guys been up to?

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Haz- He is on my Do Not Social Media Stalk list- he is probably still living with the girl he dated as soon as we broke up, who he claims he's super in love with. Yes, he did confess his undying love to me like two years ago while they were dating.

Tom- He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and he's just been posting pictures of him being alone or with friends, broing it up. How awkward.

Bill- Has a girlfriend as awkward, condescending, and fake artsy/wannabe hipster as him.

Sexy Drake- Oh my gosh, why is he still super freaking hot. It's okay, guys, I'm just going to keep reminding myself about how he tried to do butt stuff with me, and that he's not that super hot (but he is)

James- Still dating this girl, is going to be living with Chuck... whatever.

Alejandro- Oh my god, even this thirsty MF has a girlfriend...what the hell?!?

Luke- HOW ARE ALL THESE GUYS GETTING GIRLFRIENDS?!?

Johnny- In Peoria for his residency, pining after Elizabeth Bui. Just kidding guys, he's in residency and probably macking on nurses.

Jake- Living in Milwaukee, being stupidly charming and handsome.

Toronto- I don't even need to Google this one- he has a girlfriend now too! I see him all the time when I go to work, because his job is working facilities in the building where our office is located. He actually is the only guy on this list that I'm on great terms with!

Chuck- I refuse.

Louis- He's busy wearing stupid J.Crew cardigans and dressing like a Kennedy while being an asshole and offending people, probably.

Ted- Besides creeping on my Snapchats, who knows? Probably still desperately searching for love.

Rafael- Probably out banging half of Chicago- without using a condom.

Ezra- Probably still heartbroken over his ex- but I heard he's transferring schools!

Target Guy- Who knows, and who cares?

Johnson- WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE TERRIBLE MEN FINDING GIRLFRIENDS?!

Jason- UGH, he still looks stupid handsome too. I ran into him last week while I was buying tacos and I walked away.

Carter- Still dealing drugs, and showing up in Blair's summer classes.

Derek- Still single, and still not getting back with his three year ex girlfriend even though he clearly loves her.

Nash- Still creeping on Snapchat, and hoping that Chuck and I don't get back together.

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And the person I know you're all curious about...

Blair- Living life, working towards her goals and being undeniably sassy. Still going on adventures, still dating terrible men, and still blogging about it.

The Northern Bench

"Not all who wander are lost."

- J. R. R. Tolkien

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Barrett is, twenty four, 5'10, and working on his PhD- and also coincidentally, pretty hot. He lives in the West Loop area on Randolph, we have the same favorite Indian Food, and he can cook. OH, and he's a foodie...and going to be Chuck's TA this year.

We had been texting back and forth flirtatiously, and were due to go on a date.

Audrey: Dudeee he's soo hott, you should deff go for it.

My phone suddenly had another notification.

Barrett: Ahhh I really want to hang out with you. I find you extremely cute and attractive.

I could get used to this.

Although Barrett was super hot and played Lacrosse for the University of Iowa (in his undergrad), and seemed like the perfect guy to eighteen year old Blair, twenty year old Blair was faced with quite possibly the stupidest problem that anyone could have.

I felt guilty.

"But Blair, why do you possibly feel guilty for having hottie man wanting to take you on a date and flirting with said hottie man?"

When Chuck and I broke up, and since then, he has never flirted, wanted to date, fucked, or even been slightly romantically interested in anyone. No rebound sex, no one night stands...nothing. I am the singular female, the only girl that he has ever liked, kissed, touched, dated, fucked, and all of the above. And even though it admitted (way too fucking late, in my honest opinion) that he was bothered (obviously) by the fact that I was dating other guys.

Not to mention the fact that he's the one who ended the relationship because he wasn't ready or whatever (you know, after dating me for like a year and a half!).

So I shouldn't feel guilty, right?

I ended up taking a really long walk- out of no where. I walked down the boardwalk, along the beach, with the sun shining and sea salt scented wind blowing through my hair. And as I walked, and wandered, I genuinely thought about everything that has happened. With Chuck, with work, and with life- and quickly, I realized that the only soul mate that mattered was well, me. The only person I needed to be happy, and to fall in love with, was myself, in the least narcissistic way. I had gone through so much, and I had been strong through all of it- and as I wandered, I had this gut feeling that I was headed to the right place.

And as I saw these familiar stairs, I knew I was in the right place. My heart beat faster, and I had this gut feeling telling me that I was supposed to be there, and that this was where I was supposed to end up.

On one of our very first dates, Chuck took me to this plaza, and we sat there and just talked all night. It was the moment that I knew I was falling in love with him, in front of the NBC building, as the wind blew the petals of the hortensia I placed in the center away. In his brief moments attempting to be romantic, Chuck had always taken me to this plaza to sit and be with him. And as the familiar landmarks appeared, I followed.

I never really knew where this place was, and I guess that was part of the magic- only being led here by Chuck, and as I tried to find this place, and got a little lost, it dawned on me.

What if this is a sign? The fact that the place where Chuck and I fell in love, completely disappeared or demolished.

Or fuck, even worse- that I couldn't find it without him!?

As I turned, and walked, determined now, more than ever, the plaza appeared out of no where, as everything around me slowed down in these following moments. I walked over, up the steps, and sat down, exactly where I had, the very first time that Chuck had ever taken me there. There were four benches- I had sat on the south bench the first time I had ever come here with Chuck, and we fell in love.

The eastern bench was the one we had sat on for our very first "boyfriend-girlfriend date," when we had a night picnic and ate tortas. It was also the night that Chuck could not stop making out with me, because he was so excited that he had a girlfriend.

The western bench, we had sat on, for our joint birthday date last year, and because we had dated for so long, and been to this spot so many times, Chuck honestly kind of rushed us to hurry and go home.

But the northern bench- I had never sat on that one before. The gut feeling came back, and I got up, and sat on the unfamiliar bench. And as I sat down, and the wind blew in my hair, and I felt this weird sense of closure and belonging, I think that was my favorite time that I had ever been to this spot.