Maybe one day I can have a reunion with myself. 

-Sebastian Bach

-

Before I blogged on Cliches in Chicago, I blogged on a tumblr called Sass of Chicago. I unfortunately, and stupidly deleted all of the writings on that blog, in a moment of dramatics. I cursed that blog, and my previous single life, because I was sooo in love with Chuck Cuevas. Now, as a quasi-adult, I understand that you should never give anything up, especially your poignant, beautifully written and hilarious blog about your adventures in dating (okay...maybe kissing..) terrible boys. But now I'm an adult, and I know to never delete your blog for anyone. 

I have a story for all of you. In my fit of annoyance/fed uppance with Chuck, I signed up for Tinder. I remember my fondest foray into Tinder, meeting Jake Reagan and becoming completely infatuated with him. And of course, I remembered my worst- meeting that stupid architect Ted, that called that painting crispy and having him annoy the fuck out of me.

When I downloaded it, of course I wasn't serious about it- I was just curious. I mean, can you blame me? I had the earth shattering realization (once again) that Chuck Cuevas was a fucking asshole, and was completely embarrassed that I thought for even a split moment that things would be sunshine and rainbows. And the realization that regardless of how long we've been together or how much fun we have, Chuck may never stop spontaneously disappearing. And can you imagine that? ME, ELIZABETH LEONA BUI dealing with this bullshit when I have kids with him or something?

"Sorry, kids, your dad just disappeared because he can't deal with shit...again."

My daughter would look back at me in her Kate Spade for girls dress, and throw her mini Maisie bag on the fucking ground. As my son sits there, in his J.Crew button down and bright Chubbies shorts and baby Sperries. They'd be like, "Um, mom, are you really putting up with this bullshit?"

And as I sat there, I realized, "HOLY FUCK, I've been through a lot with Chuck."

Yeah, he was all, "We're going to be okay, we're going to get through this, there's going to be good times and bad times, but we're going to get through this. We're going to be fine," but holy fucking shit, this MF has a lot of fits. And I understand, there's been times when I get mad or upset, but I've never just disappeared or not talked about it.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyways, so I made a Tinder, and then promptly deleted it.

Blair: What kind of tacos?
Guy on Tinder: It's a simple recipe. I just wrap a tortilla around my dick and stick it in your mouth until the secret sauce comes out, most girls find it delicious ;)

EW.

BOY, BYE.

Maybe the universe just wants me to be alone forever, and to be in Chuck Cueva's crazy limbo. Just watch, guys, I'll be fifty years old and Chuck will still be telling me, "I need you to wait two years for me."

Okay, I feel like my life has the makings of a romantic comedy- I've met so many guys in quasi-cute ways, and spontaneously. It just is missing the part where I fall in love and meet the perfect guy. In my romantic comedy, these meet-cutes end in me going on a date with them, finding out that I don't like them at all in about .26 milliseconds, and then having the date end in them begging me for a second chance or another date.

I've been reunited with a guy from three years ago, I've been asked out randomly in Target, I've even met a guy on a fucking elevator (and we have had MANY moments in said stupid elevator), but this is real life. In real life, perfectly handsome guys aren't everywhere, and in real life you go months without having sex or going on a date. And when you do go on a date...it's definitely not like you thought it'd be like.

And as I sat there reminiscing, I couldn't help but wonder...what exactly have these guys been up to?

-

Haz- He is on my Do Not Social Media Stalk list- he is probably still living with the girl he dated as soon as we broke up, who he claims he's super in love with. Yes, he did confess his undying love to me like two years ago while they were dating.

Tom- He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and he's just been posting pictures of him being alone or with friends, broing it up. How awkward.

Bill- Has a girlfriend as awkward, condescending, and fake artsy/wannabe hipster as him.

Sexy Drake- Oh my gosh, why is he still super freaking hot. It's okay, guys, I'm just going to keep reminding myself about how he tried to do butt stuff with me, and that he's not that super hot (but he is)

James- Still dating this girl, is going to be living with Chuck... whatever.

Alejandro- Oh my god, even this thirsty MF has a girlfriend...what the hell?!?

Luke- HOW ARE ALL THESE GUYS GETTING GIRLFRIENDS?!?

Johnny- In Peoria for his residency, pining after Elizabeth Bui. Just kidding guys, he's in residency and probably macking on nurses.

Jake- Living in Milwaukee, being stupidly charming and handsome.

Toronto- I don't even need to Google this one- he has a girlfriend now too! I see him all the time when I go to work, because his job is working facilities in the building where our office is located. He actually is the only guy on this list that I'm on great terms with!

Chuck- I refuse.

Louis- He's busy wearing stupid J.Crew cardigans and dressing like a Kennedy while being an asshole and offending people, probably.

Ted- Besides creeping on my Snapchats, who knows? Probably still desperately searching for love.

Rafael- Probably out banging half of Chicago- without using a condom.

Ezra- Probably still heartbroken over his ex- but I heard he's transferring schools!

Target Guy- Who knows, and who cares?

Johnson- WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE TERRIBLE MEN FINDING GIRLFRIENDS?!

Jason- UGH, he still looks stupid handsome too. I ran into him last week while I was buying tacos and I walked away.

Carter- Still dealing drugs, and showing up in Blair's summer classes.

Derek- Still single, and still not getting back with his three year ex girlfriend even though he clearly loves her.

Nash- Still creeping on Snapchat, and hoping that Chuck and I don't get back together.

-

And the person I know you're all curious about...

Blair- Living life, working towards her goals and being undeniably sassy. Still going on adventures, still dating terrible men, and still blogging about it.

Be Nice To The Boys in Chicago, Elizabeth

“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

-

"You're a three for three, do you know what that means?" My uncle asked, drunkenly, as I stood there awkwardly, trying to escape his grasp.

He looked deep into my eyes, and stared at me, intensely.

"You're young, you're beautiful, and you're intelligent."

I thanked him, and as I tried to walk off, he grabbed my forearm.

"Be nice to the boys in Chicago, okay, Elizabeth?"

-

Hell fucking no, I wasn't going to be nice to the boys in Chicago, because they were completely NOT nice to me. I had thought about it, in retrospect, all the guys that I've dated (or not dated), and at first I thought to myself, "Elizabeth Bui, maybe you're being a little bit harsh on these guys, maybe they aren't so terrible," and then I thought about it for a couple more seconds, and came to the realization that actually, the guys that I've met since the beginning of this blog, are actually pretty damn terrible. If anyone should be getting nice treatment, it should be me, Blair fucking Bui, for all the nonsense that I've had to deal with from these fuckers.

Ted Chang

• Was excessively clingy and weird, and said that he could see me as his wife after like, three dates.
• Was a neanderthal and embarrassed me in the Art Institute
• Got me drunk off moscato, and banged me, even though I didn't really want to
• Used disgusting adjectives to describe normal things- called my dress yummy, called a PAINTING crispy. UM, IS A MANET PAINTING FRIED CHICKEN NOW?
• Could never talk to him, so I always had to go see movies so I could ignore him
• Bossed me around, like a typical stereotypical weird Asian guy

Louis Romney

• Sent me a list of problems he had with me, like what?
• Was super cocky, super Republican, and always mentioned how much older he was than me
• Ran away during one of my work events, when Kayresia asked him what his intentions with me were
• Has five hundred side hos, and probably a secret wife and kids in Hawaii
• Always talked about how he hated Hispanic, and poor people

Rafael Mancilla

• Claimed that he had kidney problems, and that he couldn't go on a sushi date with me, but then still came over and banged me
• AND then totally tried to ghost me
• Basically a twenty three year old fuck boy, with a schwag job, that smokes weed day and night

Target Guy

• Asked me on a date in a grocery store
• Basically told me that he's a pedophile, and that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two
• And then he thought I would go home with him after that???

Johnson Baker

• OH MY GOD
• DON'T GET ME STARTED
• ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER
• Thinks he's the bomb dot com, and can't seem to understand that there's (a fucking lot of) women out there who don't want to date him
• Followed me for twenty blocks, asking me why I wouldn't date/bang/WHATEVER him
• And then in Target too
• And then called me inconsiderate and acted like I was at fault
• Non-stop asked me why I wouldn't date him
• Didn't know what foccacia bread was
• Didn't know what sugar packets were
• Kept acting like something was wrong with me, just because I wouldn't date him
• Basically was an idiot, and a gremlin man-child that would not let shit go, and nonstop asked me why I wouldn't date him, and obviously had weird feelings for me, but was incapable of moving the fuck on

Zayn

• BASICALLY, he took advantage of me when I was really, really, really sad and depressed, and he slept with me even though I wasn't into it, and then he wouldn't leave me alone and kept acting like I was acting weird because I liked him
• WHICH I FUCKING DID NOT EW

Carter Chavez

• Literally a fuck boy, and an idiot
• Sent me pictures of him smoking with his foot
• HIS FOOT
• WHO DOES THAT?!
• Would not stop trying to tap me

Jason

• Basically told me he didn't have to time to "cultivate" (TF?) a relationship, but he's literally on every dating app imaginable
• Talks like a 70's frat star, and the first time he met me, he punched me on my right upper arm, and sometimes I still think it hurts to this day

Derek

• Kept asking me for another chance, and acted like he deserved one, was annoying and super persistent

Kevin

• Got like, $100 worth of free consultations
• Basically tried to tap me, got rejected, and then stole my business idea

Chuck Fucking Cuevas

And then I sat there, incapable of making that last list. I looked at that name, and I didn't even know what to say. Chuck and I really have had our ups and downs this semester, and we really have been through a lot. He sat there, and watched me date (and bang) other guys, right in front of him, and he didn't say anything. And I understand that he didn't say anything because he didn't think it was his place, but in the end, it bothered the hell out of him, and he just didn't say anything. And don't I deserve someone that will say something? Someone that cares so passionately about me, that they'd go after me and say something?

And it's not like Chuck never says anything- there was the time that he was adorably annoying as fuck, and kept sending me passive-aggressive messages in order to talk to me, when I was ignoring him. But I had only ignored him, and walked away because he wasn't there for me, when I needed him to be. And I walked away because he didn't say anything, and because he let me.

And he's been around recently, as much as I want to pretend like everything is perfect and dandy, and magical between us- it doesn't change the fact that he can't be with anyone right now. AND YES, it's sweet that if he could, it would be me, in a heartbeat, but I just... I need him to say anything. I need him to say something, and I need him to give me something that's worth waiting and fighting for. Because right now, I honestly just don't know. 

And the last thing I said to him was on Thursday morning, and he didn't say anything back. And now it's the night before he's going to leave, and he still hasn't said anything. And I know it's silly, and I should just say something- but I'm always the one who says something. It wasn't even a big crazy message, I literally just messaged him back something normal- and he just didn't say anything! 

And maybe it's because we both don't know what this is, or what's going on. I mean, I really don't...I've been sneaking around secretly with Chuck, but who knows what's going to happen, or if it's worth it. And I wish that I was as fearless as I used to be, and that I could just dive headfirst, and belly up. But the same question keeps asking me, "Did you crawl out of the pit he threw you in, and climb that mountain...just for this?"

Is Chuck really it, Blair?

And I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I just know that he hasn't said anything- and I need him to say anything.

The Massacre of Spring 2016

I don't like boys. They're kind of annoying. 

-Michelle Wie

-

"It's a text from Johnny," I said, surprised. The last time I had seen him was when I was taking Cora's dog, Jughead for a walk. Johnny had tried to make conversation, and although I was polite, I clearly had no intention of ever talking to him again. The last time I spoke to Johnny, it was just him yelling at me, asking me why I wouldn't have sex with him and why I wasn't attracted to him. For Fuck's sake, why are men guys boys constantly asking me why I won't (insert action here) them?

...I won't get into this, or else I'll end up posting the exact same rant that I blogged about when I stopped talking to Johnson.

When Chuck and I broke up, I didn't feel anything- I was so desperate to feel something, and to fill a void in my life, that I LITERALLY tried to fill a void. As in I kind of, sort of, aka I did, sleep with quite a few guys. Some of them were rebounds, some of them I genuinely thought could be something... but all in all, it was a terrible idea. I ended up filling that void, and feeling something- by focusing on myself, my strengths, and working on things that made me passionate. I was happy from my friends and loved ones, and I never looked back at the indiscretions that I had made.

Johnny: What is your blog address?

"He's trying to fuck you," Chuck said, looking at me. Although I like Chuck, there are still some moments when I just want to laugh and say, "Well, yeah."

"Well, yeah, Chuck." I said, laughing. "But he's leaving soon."

"He's trying to get a good bye smash." Chuck commented, nodding.

"No way in fuck."

Chuck knows about my blog, obviously, but I'm definitely not at the point where I want him to read the things that I've written- even if we were both in a different place when I wrote them!

An excerpt from, Chuck Cuevas Stinks:

"And then I thought about it, he definitely stank when we dated, I just never smelled it. But he didn't physically stink (well... At least I don't think he did, he may have), but he stank metaphorically, he just had this glaring problem with him that I ignored because I was in love with (or at least I thought I was)."

I know, I'm so coy. But anyways, back to the story at hand.

There was no way that I was going to respond to Johnny, and part of me wanted to be the crusader for girls who are constantly harassed and annoyed by guys that think they're entitled to bang them, but I kept my mouth shut.

-

Shay: You tryin to get some or what

I looked at my phone, nearly dropping in it shock.

"FUCK, here we go again." I thought to myself, shaking my head. Why was this shit constantly happening?

Blair: What do you mean
Shay: You know what I mean
Blair: WTF SHAY

I screenshotted the message, and sent it to Shane and Kayresia.

Shane: Lol thirsty AF
Kayresia: Lol smh

SHAKING MY DAMN HEAD INDEED, SHAY. I thought that the two of us were purely platonic friends- after all, he did help me start my business! I had recently discovered that my guy friends were dropping like flies, namely after

1. Trying to bang me, and then getting rejected, then getting mad
2. Trying to date me, and then getting rejected, then getting mad
3. Constantly asking me why I won't date/fuck/WHATEVER with them
4. Constantly trying to tap me and then getting entitled when I tell them to go fly a fucking kite

Among other things.

And I know it sounds so typical female, but I genuinely did want to be friends with them! I just wanted to live in a world where I could hang out with them, drink beer, shoot some nonsense, and then watch terrible TV- like I did with Shane! He and Matthew were the only ones left standing after the Massacre of Spring 2016, as Zayn, Johnny, Johnson, Carter, Kevin, and Shay were voted off the island. It was tiring- having them annoy me, and then eventually, get mad and blame me for being at fault. Because apparently, it is wrong for a woman to refuse a man nowadays, APPARENTLY if guys put in effort with a woman, they are entitled to them.

Shay: I don't want it lo

Blair: No, I'm dating someone. Ew, no. You're gross, bye.

I mean, I wasn't dating anyone- the only thing I was committed to was Grey's Anatomy on Netflix- and I didn't really care, or want to waste energy on trying to define what was going on with Chuck and I. We aren't involved with each other...or anyone else really. But Shay didn't have to know that, it was none of his business, or really...anyone else's either.

It wasn't that I was ashamed of Chuck- I'm really not. As a matter of fact, I think a lot of people would be overjoyed. For god's sake, my brother Julius probably loves Chuck more than he loves me! It's just with things being so up in the air, there was really no point in saying anything about it, not to mention that when you start telling people things, that's when things get real. And I'm not ready for that, for other people to know or get involved, and for it to be a thing. 

OKAY, and maybe because it's kind of fun sneaking around. I couldn't deny that it was kind of exciting to have people ask where I'm going and where I'm at, and to sneak back into my apartment building early in the morning, or to pretend like I'm staying, when I'm throwing on a crop top and skinny jeans to go see Chuck. It's fun, and I know that eventually people are going to find out, and that this whole sneaking around nonsense will stop, but for right now, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't enjoying it.

Which is also why Johnny Belcher can stay the hell off my blog.

Shay: Who is that

And also why Shay can stop texting me.

In Which Blair Has A Breakdown

“Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”

 -C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair

-

Current Problems in my business, 

a definitive list by Elizabeth Bui, Owner and Operator of Blair Bui Consulting

1. I have absolutely no business assets, whatsoever. I actually am out thirty dollars for all the Starbucks runs and business cards that I ordered off of Vista Print. Damn chai tea lattes.
2. I have no design person on my team, and even though I know what my aesthetic and brand is- I have no idea how to design a fucking logo.
3. The person I interviewed for the job asked ME more questions, and ended up telling me, "Sorry your business is stupid, I'm not interested."
4. Okay, he didn't say it like that, but still. I have haters.
5. Chuck could very easily make me a free logo right about now.
6. I have no clients- the only clients in my database are Kevin, "Chad Fuxington," and Blair Bui Test Booking.
7. I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE THAT "CHAD FUXINGTON" IS A FAKE PERSON.
8. OKAY, so that means I have even more people than I thought who think that my business is stupid as hell.
9. I am making no profit. I am losing profit.
10. No one wanted their free consultations from my email list.
11. Okay, my email list consists of Zayn and Chuck, my friends and team members, but still, this shit was FREE.
12. Chuck is probably more successful than me right now.
13. Fuck Chuck, actually.
14. No one wants to work for me, or endorse me, probably.
15. Guys keep using my business as a courting device.
16. MY FIRST CLIENT EVER AKA KEVIN TRIED TO FUCK ME AND NOW HE'S STOLEN MY ADVICE I GAVE HIM AND HE'S STARTING HIS OWN CONSULTING BUSINESS.

"DO YOU SEE THIS?" I said to Shane, as Kevin's snapchat announcement video kept playing. Shane just looked at me, and laughed.

"ADVICE FROM THE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE HE'S HAD?! Fucking bullshit. More like advice from the few sessions I had with him," I yelled, shaking my damn head. For whatever reason, it turned out that Blair Bui Consulting wasn't happening, and that it wasn't a thing. It didn't help and reform people, it turned them into thieving business stealing assholes.

"Can you believe that he's going to start giving advice and consulting people? HE STOLE MY IDEA."

"Well, it happens," Shane assured me, as he kept laughing.

"I know what you're thinking," I said, sassily, "OF COURSE this would happen to Blair, she would have her very first client try to fuck her, and then steal her advice and start his own rip-off business," I groaned, as I took another sip of beer.

"You said it, not me," Shane said.

And I thought guys using my business as a courtship device was worse. I went to bed, and for whatever reason, I thought that things would magically fall together the next day. But they didn't, because as I checked Facebook on my phone, there was a nasty surprise waiting for me.

HEY GUYS, CHECK MY VLOG OUT.

Kevin was posting his advice, and pitifully trying to actually consult people.

Blair: This keeps getting worse 

I attached a screenshot of the post, and sent it to Shane.

And as I sat there, there was this feeling that just hit me.

You miss Chuck. You miss Chuck and seeing him yesterday shook you because you miss his ass.

And as that voice spoke to me, another one yelled, "If he wanted to be with you, he would." 

You know he can't be with you right now, he needs to figure his shit out. You know he loves you and wants to be with you.

Yeah, well he thinks I'm going to wait two years for him, so fuck him.

No he doesn't, he told you that you're free to do what you wish, but he doesn't want to be with anyone except for you, YOU, ELIZABETH BUI. And you know there's fire between the two of you, and you know that he cares about you. Stubborn bitch.

You miss him.

And as I realized all the things that were happening around me, and how stressed I've been- how I have barely reacted to anything to me, how I've become completely indifferent, how I haven't reacted emotionally to anything happening around me. How Ted and Zayn sexually assaulted me, and all I could say was, "ew, they're gross." How I've lost friends and I've been like, "Okay, whatever." How my mother had major surgery and I wasn't losing my mind like I should have been. How so many things have happened, and I'e been indifferent or slightly unreactive, when a year ago, I cared so much about everything and everyone. I felt so many things that I was completely transparent with my emotions and completely obvious, and I cared so much, I cared too much.

And now, for the first time in months, the first time I really felt something was when I ran into Chuck's ass.

I missed him.

And that is how, I, Elizabeth Bui, started crying uncontrollably on a park bench on campus. Sobbing uncontrollably, at 10:00 pm at night, as people walked past coming from the library. I was crying for the first time in months, I was feeling something real for the first time in months, and I was completely and utterly breaking down.

-

"Are you okay?" Chuck said, as I walked into the lobby of his building. It was so familiar but so strange, at the exact same time. I looked up at him, and saw him looking back at me, concerned. Chuck looked different, he was skinnier than before, and seemed a little bit lost. But then again, we both were.

"I just sobbed uncontrollably on a bench for the past fifteen minutes. And then I had to gain my composure so I wouldn't be walking through your apartment building looking like shit," I responded, as I wiped my wing.

"Alright, well let's get upstairs. I have a lab due at midnight, but I'm definitely going to listen to you talk, and we can definitely get cheese fries later."

Why Chuck?

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often ... deep-burning and unquenchable." 

-Bruce Lee 

-

"This is going to be a fucking shit show," Kayresia said, as we sat in the back of the event. I had chosen a black a-line dress with floral print on top, and a sweetheart neckline that made my boobs look spectacular. Of course, I had on my signature black as fuck cat eye liner and mauve lipstick (Benefit's They're Real! Eyeliner and NYX's Matte Lipstick in Whipped Caviar). Kayresia and I had ended up being each other's plus ones for the work events, after my not-so-lovely experience bringing Romney, and the tragic fact that everyone thought Chuck was going to be my permanent plus one at work events. The two of us decided to sit in the back for this event.

"Oh, come on, it can't be that bad," I said, as Zayn appeared out of no where, looking at me the whole time he "coincidentally" walked past us. He made sure that I saw that he was looking at me.

Kayresia turned to look at me, and started laughing uncontrollably. "I forgot that was your own personal shit show," she said, laughing.

And as soon as she said that, Chuck emerged, from the doors. And I felt like the world stopped for a brief moment, and I felt my left hand curling up into a fist.

"I'm just going to smile, flip my hair, and pretend like I don't have a care in the world and that everything is okay." Chuck had on possibly my favorite outfit of his, when it comes to "businessy,' he had these grey pants that made his ass look spectacular (that I had to tell him to start wearing, FYI), this black button down (that I bought him, FYI), this silver tie that perfectly pulled the outfit together, and of course he always wore these brown shoes that never matched any of the cool toned outfits that I picked out for him. His hair was done, and until I saw him, I had forgotten how well he cleaned up.

I don't know why I thought he'd wear one of his basic ass v-necks and his Asics. He looked good, and me, being petty, I didn't want him to look good. Because I was the one who was supposed to look good. The fact that the two of us matched perfectly annoyed me even more.

Blair: Matthew, my ex is at this event and he's dressed well right now. FUCK.

Physically, I was um, really attracted to him, but emotionally I wanted to punch his sorry ass in his face.

I turned to Kayresia, "This is my own personal shit show. Especially since Chuck looks really hot."

Kayresia looked at me, in disgust.

"But he's still scrawny and skinny and greasy!" Shane had told me, later that night.

Something that people never really understand is, "WHY CHUCK?"

When we broke up, my friends admitted that they thought he was exceptionally scrawny and not that attractive, that had deemed him a four to my ten. Whenever I tell people we dated, their minds are always blown as to why I dated Chuck Cuevas. When we were dating, guys still wanted to tap me, because they didn't see my boyfriend Chuck as a threat. Yael once told me that I was a sex symbol and that Chuck was just, "Ew, Chuck," and that it didn't make sense. But I don't believe in leagues and when we dated I genuinely thought that Chuck Cuevas was a complete and utter fucking hottie. And it always surprises people when they find out that he broke up with me. 

But that's what happened, and now, I'm going to answer the question, "Why Chuck?"

-

There were always sparks between Chuck and I, not when we first met, but once we became friends. There was always this little force between us, and twinkles between the two of us. I was attracted to Chuck, I had liked him for a bunch of different reasons, even though I never thought that in a million years that I would like him. He was completely unlike any guy that I had ever dated before, and even though we were just friends, my heart always beat a little bit faster around him and he was the only person I ever clicked with, right off the bat.

But it wasn't Chuck, and it wasn't a full blown blazing fire, a huge major force that could tear Chicago apart, until the moment that it ignited, until the moment that I knew.

And I'll never forget the moment that I, myself, learned the answer to, "Why Chuck?"

I had been stressed from finals, stressed about school, and I had been doubting myself a lot. And I really wanted a fucking cupcake. After joking about wanting a cupcake, Chuck and I planned to get a late night cupcake from the Sprinkles Cupcake ATM, I had gone earlier that day to get a blow out, because of the stress and everything that was going on, and as I sat on my bed, there was a knock on the door. I had on a chunky knit dark teal sweater from H&M, leggings, and brown riding boots. I threw on my red peacoat, and grabbed my bag to open the door. And there he was.

Grey GUESS leather jacket, dark wash jeans, perfect v-neck.

He looked at me, silently.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey."

I had never seen him outside of a basic cotton v-neck and his Asics before, Chuck dressed pretty simply and pretty basically- a typical nerdy guy combo. He had looked good.

The two of us left the building, and that was the beginning of one of the most unforgettable nights in my entire life. We walked around downtown, to the lake and all around. Laughing, talking, as if it was just the two of us in this sleepless city. As the city lights shone, we walked all around, talking all night, and honestly, falling in love. My heart had never beat faster, and I knew, that I had really, really liked Chuck.

But I wouldn't know that I was falling in love with Chuck, until later that night.

“Do you have any idea where we’re going?” I laughed, as I played with the white flower that I held in my hand. As we walked along the lake, I had picked off a white hortensia off a bush. They were my favorite flowers, and this one was immaculate.

“Not really, but we’ll figure it out!” Chuck said, giving me a mischievous smile. He led the way, as we wandered the city- lost, but still found. As he led me up the stairs, I finally reached the top, only to see the glittering sky shining right back at me. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life, I looked over at Chuck, only to see the moonlight shining on him, as he smiled right back at me.

“This way?” I said, pointing to the path in front of us. He nodded, as we walked.

“I love this spot, actually, I think it’s one of the coolest things ever- how the road divides into two paths, and one is above and one’s below. I’ve only been here once before.”

“The last time I was here was when I went with Perrie and Rhett to go to the theaters last year,” Chuck admitted, as we walked forward. Our hands brushed against each other, for a brief second, as Chuck turned to look at me.

We kept walking, and somehow, magically, what is now my favorite spot in the entire city appeared. It was a circular plaza, with four benches arranged around in a circle. There was a single, lone spot in the center, which was missing something. I walked over, and placed my flower right in the center. What was empty before, was now complete.

I looked back, to see Chuck smiling back at me. Walking over, I sat down, as the two of us looked up at the sky in front of us. The stars glistened brightly, as the city lights illuminated the stage for the sky. He pointed at the buildings in front of us, pointing out little details as we sat.

We sat, and we talked. We laughed, and smiled. And as we sat there, everything was perfect.

“I didn’t get my first kiss until college,” I admitted. Chuck stared back at me, blankly.

“It was with Haz, and it’s one of the few things I don’t regret that he did.”

“That surprised me, actually. I thought it would have been sooner. And you know that I haven’t been with anyone,” he said, looking at me. I knew Chuck Cuevas was a virgin before I had even spoken to him, it was glaringly obvious and very clear.

“A lot of guys think girls are sluts if they’re not virgins, and if they’ve been with guys before them,” I said, quietly. A lot of guys, as in Chuck's friends. After a terrible experience with James, he and JD had taken it upon themselves to tell everyone in our building freshman year, that I, Elizabeth Bui, was a slut. And I secretly worried that Chuck thought that too.

And in moment, as he was about to answer, Chuck looked at me, like no guy ever had, in my entire life. He didn’t look at me like I was some hot piece of ass, or just some other girl, he looked at me like I mattered, and like I was an actual person.

“Yeah, um, some guys are like that, but, uh, I don’t really care.” He said awkwardly, but very sweetly. Chuck looked at me, giving me a smile, and awkwardly brushing his hair. We looked at each other, and in that moment, I thought he was going to kiss me, as we sat underneath the stars, and the wind gently blew my hair to the side. It would have been the perfect moment.

But this is not only real life, but Blair's life, so he responded, “It’s like on the Cleveland show, where Cleveland tells his son it’s like drinking a coke after some guy’s put his dick in it, instead of having a new coke.”

I SHIT YOU NOT- HE SAID THAT TO ME.

IN THE MOST ROMANTIC MOMENT. IN THE MOST ROMANTIC PLACE CHUCK CUEVAS SAID THAT SHIT TO ME.

And honestly, I thought it was pretty cute. I started laughing, and he did too.

“But it’s not like that,” I responded. “Yeah, it’s not.”

And in that moment, as he looked at me, all awkward and nervous, that's when those sparks turned into a raging fire, and when I knew that I was falling in love with Chuck. Chuck was the one for me (you know, until he threw me in a ditch)

Plus One

"To be an ideal guest, stay at home."

 -E. W. Howe

-

"Are you coming to the dessert party my wife is throwing?" my boss asked me, as I walked into his office.

"Yeah, of course!" I said, as I realized that I had completely forgotten about it. My boss was a rich older man who lived right across the street from Millennium Park. His building was full of basketball players and celebrities, as he was basically loaded. His wife was the typical successful older lady as well, throwing fancy parties and events to network and impress people.

One of them being this dessert party, with prosecco and wine.

"You know you have a plus one, right?" He said, eyeing me carefully. I looked at him awkwardly, and nodded. He made a small face before saying his next response.

"But you don't have to bring one if you don't have one."

I stood there, awkwardly. His response to this could have been one of two things-

1. Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.
2. Blair, last time you brought a plus one, he ran away.
3. Blair, you are lonely AF.

"I'll bring one," I said, adamantly, as I walked off. My red ballet flats tapped across the surface of the wood floor, as I scurried off to my desk.

"FUCK, BLAIR, why did you say that?"

-

Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.

To be fair, there have only been two big work events that have occurred, and the boy I brought to the first one I thought was going to be my plus one for life. I literally thought that Chuck and I were going to be forever, because I was young and naive, and I thought that he was going to be my plus one from then on forward. To infinity and beyond.

And okay, I kind of, sort of thought that the second boy that I took to the second work event was going to be attending a couple more, but then he ended up running away! Not my fault.

OKAY, and I'm twenty and relationships aren't forever, so no one should really be expected to bring the same person, unless it's their spouse, to every single freaking event. ESPECIALLY if they're months apart!

Blair, last time you bought a plus one, he ran away.

I'm going to make this as painless as possible, by stealing the little snippet of a story from a previous blog post. I'm not going to go into crazy detail- I think if I do, it'll make me want to throat punch Louis Romney.

*coughs and opens up storybook (aka blog archives)*

I ended up taking him to this fancy work event, and as we all sat there in Carnivale, casually enjoying our dinner, Louis decided to offend a lot of people. He acted super classist, super sexist, and well...super conservative. He asked people if they were lower level employees, and it was just a huge mess overall. 

Louis is... ultra conservative. He only cares about the economy, hates poor people, hates Hispanic people, doesn't believe in feminism, He is actually Romney and Trump in twenty nine year old youngish man form. 

Anyways, we were all somewhat casually enjoying this nice dinner, when suddenly, Kayresia turned to Louis, and asked, "Louis, what are your intentions with Blair?"

A gut wrenching feeling hit me, as I turned and looked at him, noticing that he looked like Kayresia just smacked him in the head with a frying pan.

I didn't need for Louis to say that he wanted to be with me forever, I just needed him to not care that she did that, but instead Louis got up, and ran away. Louis completely disappeared, and then reappeared twenty minutes later with two HUGE drinks. In front of my entire staff.

And to this day, I don't know what was more embarassing about that incident...him running away in the middle of dinner, or him acting ultra conservative during dinner.

Everyone at work laughed at the fact that Louis ran away, and thought that he was an asshole. That's how that saga ended. No one ever said anything to my face really, except Cora when she said he was a fucking asshole. But I'm sure everyone talked about it plenty behind my back, all, "Poor Blair."

Blair, you are lonely AF.

Okay, first of all, I am not lonely AF. I am living a good life where I watch Grey's Anatomy and eat kale in my bed. And where I hang out with my friends, drink beer, and do Pilates. I just have no boyfriend or romantic prospects (although people would tell you otherwise), and I'm single AF.

I scanned my brain, and ended up going through every guy I've been on a date with in the past six months.

Chuck Cuevas:

I shook my head immediately. That can't and won't be happening. Because then the two of us would laugh and reminisce about the last time we went to a fancy rich people party, feel the feels about the good times, and then things would be messy and weird. And also, my coworkers would tell him that they've missed seeing him around, and they would assume that we are getting back together.

Plus, even though most people think that Chuck is skinny and awkward, not the hottest, and kinda gross, there's just something about him in nice clothes that makes me weak at the knees, and think, "DAYUM." I can't explain it, for whatever reason, I think Chuck Cuevas is a hottie.

Louis Romney:

Hell to the no, did you not read that previous story? Plus, besides the fact that he is an asshole, he's been pretending that he doesn't know me, because I was the side ho when he had a med school girlfriend.

I am still convinced that he has a wife and kids.


Ted Chang:
People joke that I dumped him because he didn't know what a painting was, but in reality we had absolutely nothing in common, he was weirdly in love with me, and a complete neanderthal. He was SO incredibly stupid, and also short. No way in fuck am I ever talking to him again. He was also incredibly cocky and really weird and annoying, entitled as well.

Sometimes I wish I had told him the truth and that I couldn't stand his ass, instead of chickening out and saying that it was because I still had feelings for Chuck.


Rafael Mancilla:
God, he's sexy. But also a twenty three year old fuck boy. So, pass.

Ezra:

Literally went on one date. No thanks.

Target Guy:

He told me that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two, and then friend to bang me...no thanks.


Johnson:
There are sooooo many reasons why this is an immediate no, besides his annoying gremlin man-child ways, the fact that he's short, and that he's absolutely entitled and crazy. Also if I can't stand him at a nice brunch place, no way in fuck is he going to a fancy AF party at my boss' condo. I can't have him asking me what petit fours are. SORRY NOT SORRY.


Carter Chavez:
He would probably show up high, and then I would slap him across the face, and then he would be sexually aroused by that. I don't really want to be seen or associated with him, and also he's basically classless.


Jason:
Ugh, he's hot. But he also talks like a 70's frat star and is kind of an asshole.

Derek:
Also into me, definitely not into him. No thanks.

Maybe I needed to put an ad out or something.

WANTED: a plus one for a fancy party that my boss is throwing that will impress and dazzle everyone, and more importantly not embarrass me. The last guy I brought was embarrassing, my coworkers are still laughing about it.

You:
-are smart, educated, and intelligent
-have culture and class
-but can also joke around, be funny or a little ridiculous
-have a good career (or path)
-are funny, charming, and a great conversationalist
-taller than 5'9 (I'll compromise)
-do not have any glaring problems
-are not an asshole or Neanderthal

Me:
-is 5'5, 105, and adorably petite
-drinks beer, does Pilates, and is chill AF
-Asian American (but looks ethnically ambiguous)
-is clever, funny, and a pretty great conversationalist
-has hilarious and ridiculous stories
-watches the same terribly funny tv shows you do
-dresses fashionably and very well, has refined style
-will laugh at your terrible jokes
-sassy, brazen, bold, and sure

Pros:
-delicious desserts
-alcohol
-great networking and conversation
-potentially fall in love....or make a great friend (I'm a great wing woman!)

That Was A Pity

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
-Alexander Pope

-

As I laid there, awkwardly somewhat cuddling with Derek, I was brainstorming ways to leave, or basically, ways to chicken out and get the fuck outta there.

1. Pretend to fall asleep later, and then sneak out.
2. Get dressed hella quick, and then throw everything in your Kate Spade, then run out the door.
3. Go to the bathroom, and climb out the window.
4. Have Shane/Kayresia/Serena call you, pretending that there is an emergency that needs your help
5. Pretend to start crying, and say that you still have feelings for Chuck and that you love him

None of them were viable options.

"We should get to bed soon," Derek said, as he kissed my shoulder and pulled me in closer. I awkwardly wiggled my ass from our spooning, and reached for my shirt.

"It's getting late, I probably should be heading home soon, I work in the morning." I grabbed my skinny jeans (which made my butt look phenomenal), and pulled them on.

"Should I plan an adventure for Thursday or is this it?" Derek asked me, awkwardly.

I was floored that he had straight up asked me this, and completely shocked. Was he really going to do this right now? I literally was trying to put on my clothes and leave! My friends always joke that I have become very stereotypical male about dating- I think this was reinforced by the act that I was contemplating sneaking out earlier when he was sleeping, and that I was now trying to weasel my way out of having to spend the night.

Derek looked at me expectantly, like a middle schooler asking her crush to the school dance. I felt the guilt, and even more, I felt awkward.

"Um, I don't know..." It just came out, and it was very poorly said. In this moment, I really contemplated running out the door barefoot, and throwing my shoes and coat into my Kate Spade bag.

There wasn't anything obviously wrong with him, any glaring problems. There was just no fire, no spark, no.... attraction. Something was missing, and I just didn't feel it. And then, when we were hooking up, I definitely wasn't feeling it (not just because he went um, flat...), although it started off okay, it fell flat. And it wasn't his fault- I just didn't feel it.

It wasn't even me being shallow- Derek was really cute and really nice! I just didn't feel something. And I know I'm capable of it, because I felt it with Chuck Cuevas, that ass.

I remember I liked Chuck so much, and I was so convinced that he wasn't, um, well skilled or well endowed, that I gave myself a pep talk before he came over to be intimate.

"It's okay, Blair, if he's not that good, you really, really like him." I literally told myself that before anything happened- because I had liked him that much!

And with Derek, it was just.... a horribly awkward experience and the fact that k just wanted to run away, reminded me that I did not like him.

"I think I deserve another chance," he admitted, as he looked at me, expectantly.

"Uh, with the sex or with the date?" I asked, awkwardly. I was hoping that he just wanted another shot at...that, because then I wouldn't feel bad at all! Does that make me a terrible person

"Please have him just want to hook up with me, please don't have him like me," I told myself.

I know what you're thinking, "BLAIR BUI, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? A nice, sweet young man wants to date you, and you're secretly hoping that he only wants to bang you, so that you can dump him without feeling bad??" I know it sounds really terrible, I know, but think about how easy it is to reject a guy who's trying to tap you- it's SO easy. It's so easy, that you never remember them, and you laugh it off. Like that guy who asked me out in Target!

Because you remember the really, really nice guys, that you have to let down, because you remember how awkward you felt, and how nice they were. And you remember how you kinda wished that you were attracted to them so that it wouldn't have to happen- except you don't, because you really don't want to date them.

"Both."

Oh shit.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's dumping people. I was too chicken to dump Ted earlier this semester that I chickened out and told him that I still had feelings for Chuck. My freshman year, my cop-out excuse was always. "I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend."

When it came time to dump Johnson, I felt so bad at that time (now looking back, I don't at all and wished I hadn't), that I had ZAYN dump him for me. ZAYN. I literally sat there while Zayn was having the break up conversation with Johnson for me, on my phone!

When it came to Zayn, I was so awkward that I avoided him and didn't talk to him for a while (aka, a month) before I finally fessed up that he had traumatized me and that I was so incredibly weirded out.

And finally, with Chuck, when I decided to never talk to him again, that's simply what I did. One day I made that decision and simply just never talked to him again- and he didn't miss me apparently, because he didn't say anything! You know, until I asked for my stuff back.

I don't know how I did this, and I really wish I remembered, but somehow we managed to stop talking about things and he called me an Uber. I was completely home free, and about to sprint across his lawn, when Derek decided he was going to walk me to the car.... and open the door for me... and then, finally, the cherry on top of an awkward date, he awkwardly kissed me good bye. And then I slammed the door closed.

"Can we please drive away now?" I asked the Uber, turning away from the window. "That was such a terrible date."

"Really? I was just about to say that was so cute!"

I spilled everything to the uber driver, I poured out everything, from Chuck and I breaking up, to how I took a break from dating ever since the Zayn thing, and then finally, the terribly awkward details about that night.

"That boy really likes you. you can tell he does. He's probably thinking about you right now," he said, as he turned on to another street. "He even completed the date, he called you an Uber, walked you out, opened the door, kissed you goodbye- and oh, that was a pity smooch!"

"I know" I said, hiding behind my scarf. "I feel so awkward and so terrible!"

"Don't, little lady, because it happens with dating. It's not your fault, you just don't feel the spark with some people. And don't you ever settle for less than that spark, I know what you're looking for, you're looking for that magic."

And it was what I was looking for. I used to be so frustrated whenever I met a guy that was nice, but I didn't feel sparks with, because I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like it was because I was being too picky or something- but I wasn't, I just didn't feel anything. And I didn't realize it until I took my break, but finding someone you have that fire with, it's not an easy thing

"I am!"

"And all you could have done was give that boy a chance, which you did. So just be gentle, and let him down easy," he said, as he pulled up to my apartment building. "So be kind."

It was something that I was learning how to do, slowly but surely. And I knew even though it might stink, I had to tell Derek the absolute truth. I had been in his situation- totally and utterly excited about someone.

There was a point about a month ago when Jason and I were supposed to go on a date- I was totally secretly excited, and he basically didn't talk to me the entire week until the night before, when he late night texted me that he "didn't have time to cultivate anything romantic." I was fine, of course, but obviously kind of annoyed that he didn't say anything up front, but waited a week to say something! I brushed it off, and ignored it, and then drunkenly threw myself at a College of Medicine after drinking Schmidt's pitcher of beer. BUT ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The point is he should have been honest from the start- because avoiding people, or trying to sneak away isn't very kind.

And it was a lesson that I was still learning (although I would like to add that I'm much kinder than Jason is).

I got a text from Derek, when I got home. I ignored it, and then went upstairs to have a nice, cold beer. Shane had some Busch in his fridge, and I drank it as I told him everything that happened.

"So, you don't like another guy, it happens," Shane said, as he played his Xbox.

I took another sip of my beer, and nodded. "I know, and it happens a lot- but I'm not going to feel bad, and I'm not going to freak out, not that I would. Because this kind of stuff happens, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that something special."

My phone suddenly went off again, and then I peeked to see what was waiting for me.

Derek: Hey how was the uber? Worthy of 5 stars?haha 
Derek: I had a great time despite my difficulties at the end haha i hope you did too, if your still down for another adventure on thursday id love to try again and show you an even better time! 

I wish I was a nice person, and responded to him at three in the morning, but I waited until the next morning, before I texted Derek back.

Blair: You're a great guy and it was nice seeing you again, and yeah it was nice to catch up, but there was just... Something missing. And what happened kind of solidified that. It's not your fault or anything, I'm just missing that spark 
Derek: Yea I agree there was something missing but I still think this is worth one more try. I mean you went on three dates with the weird guy who ate off your plate right?

(Sorry to interrupt but can we take a moment to laugh at how Johnson is known? Okay, okay)

Derek: haha plus like you said you had such high hopes for me after 3 years. If we give it another try I have a feeling I wont dissapoint you again 
Blair: I don't think it's worth trying if neither of us is really feeling it- I think it's best.

I think I'm gonna stick to sitting in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy, and eating hummus.

The Gremlin Man-Child (Throat Punch, Part Two)

“The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you.”
-Markus Zusak, The Book Thief 

-

 "Wait, so that's not the end of the story?" Shane said, dying from laughter. He had been laughing this entire time, non-stop.

"Are you still laughing at me?"

"I mean, I'm laughing because this guy obviously likes you, and can't get over it, so he's insulting you as a way to cope with it- but it isn't working."

-

As Johnson and I sat on the train, I knew he wanted to ask me the not-so-golden question, once more.

"You know, you should really lower your standards," he said, as the two of us sat in silence.

"Excuse me?"

I don't believe in lowering my standards, and I also don't believe in leagues. When Chuck and I broke up, the truth came out, and it was an honestly shallow truth that I had already known. Casey, Serena, all my friends had casually admitted that they thought that I could have done better than Chuck, who they classified as a four, "but only because of his personality, Blair." It wasn't a crazy moment or revelation where I asked myself, "WOW, WHAT WAS I THINKING?" As a matter of fact, I do think that I'm too good for Chuck- not based on looks at all, as I thought he was a little cutie, but based on the fact that he is indeed a sociopath and threw me in a (metaphorical) ditch when we broke up.

And I didn't climb out of that ditch, and to the mountain top to settle. I didn't go through all of this in order end up with an "okay guy" LET ALONE a gremlin man-child with an ego the size of The Loop, who apparently lacks basic learning skills, because he cannot comprehend something that I have said at least a million times. So fuck what people say, I'm allowed to have standards, and I'm allowed to know what I'm looking for, and to look for it.

ALSO, how fucking rude, okay? I've dated some pretty hot guys, I think, and I generally date cute people! Just because I don't date the dregs of medical school, which was definitely what Johnson tried to pawn off on me, doesn't mean that I need to lower my standards. Because there's nothing wrong in knowing what you deserve and what you what.

"You know, Anders, Dax, Jason... you just need to lower your standards."

To what, exactly? A GREMLIN MAN-CHILD?

"What do you mean?" I found hand balling into a fist, just like the last time.

"It's just, Anders' girlfriend is like, drop dead gorgeous, like, she's a 10. She could model."

I think I'm a pretty girl- and I think that's part of where your confidence comes from, how you perceive yourself. I've never posted a picture of my face or anything here, but I'm no sack of potatoes or anything. I'm not going to say that I'm the most beautiful girl in the entire world- because I'm definitely not. But I do think that I'm pretty, and that I'm considered pretty to most people. Everyone's beautiful in their own way, and people perceive people to be attractive on different scales.

I've met guys like Romney who think I'm drop dead gorgeous and the most beautiful thing, or guys like Johnny that think I'm smoking hot, and I've met guys who don't think I'm that special (like Chuck's asshole friend JD), but regardless, none of that matters, because I, myself, think that I am pretty and beautiful in my own way. And that's the only person that can tell you how you look- you. And guess what? Everyone is beautiful in their own way, even when asshole guys try to tell you that it's a 1-10 scale, because that's honestly not how life works. You aren't some number.

"Is this your covert way of telling me you don't think I'm a 10?" I asked.  Johnson nodded, and I felt myself get annoyed, not because he didn't think I was hot- I didn't care about what he thought of me. But that he would be SO rude to tell me that I can't get someone based on how I looked.

I may joke that Johnson is a gremlin man-child, but I didn't not date him because of his looks- I just didn't like him romantically! He was weird, cocky, and extremely weird. Did I mention he was weird? He just rubbed me the wrong way, and was nothing that I was looking for, honestly. And after a day with him, and having him be a total asshole, I was done.

We sat, as I texted Shane on my phone.

"Are you telling everyone that I'm an asshole?" He said, smiling with a cheeky grin.

I looked back him, annoyed, and irritated. "No, you're not that special, stop thinking you're that special."

"I'm sorry, Blair, I shouldn't have said that, it was uncalled for."

UM, YOU MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING THAT YOU SAID TODAY?

Once we hit our stop, I turned to him, and said, "Don't try to walk me home or anything." If this was a normal guy, I would have just said good bye, but who knew what Johnson's whack ass was going to pull out next?

"Why would you even say that?"

"Because I've been trying to reinforce that we are platonic friends, and you don't seem to get it. BYE."

-

Shane kept laughing, and once he gained his composure, he was completely honest.

"He obviously likes you and has a problem with it, so you should just be honest and tell him how you feel. That's generally the advice I always give, is to be honest."

Blair: Okay, I want to be friends and hang out but you need to stop bringing up why it didn't work out, because that part is over. 

I heard a notification on my phone, and then looked to see a long ass paragraph waiting for me.

Johnson: There wasn't any question about that in my mind, it being over I mean. I think the root of the issue is honestly I tend to mercilessly blame myself when things don't work out for me, so it probably came off as me absolutely not being able to understand why you wouldn't want someone as amazing as me, but it's somewhat the opposite. Anyway, I definitely said some stuff I shouldn't have and I apologize. I'm down with being friends too, but I do hope you can understand how I could have been rubbed the wrong way a bit. 

No, I don't understand, because WE ARE PLATONIC FRIENDS. But I couldn't say that, I had to be nice-ish.

Blair: Rubbed the wrong way by what? Me not wanting to date you? I just am not attracted to you! 
Johnson: That's totally cool and I get that, that's not the issue. Like imagine if Jason went on a few dates with you then said he wanted to be friends then went on about how hot your friends with and this hot girl he banged last week. It'd just be a little...inappropriate, given the situation If the issue was you not being attracted to me I wouldn't have agreed to be friends. 

I took a deep breath, and remembered the words that Kayresia gave me when I was texting Zayn a week ago. Don't be too brutally honest, Blair.

Blair: First of all, it was like a month ago. Second, I said that Steven was hot- that's it. Same with Sergio, because guess what- they're hot! It doesn't even mean that I want to date them I just think they're attractive. And no, it's not inappropriate, because it's not like you have feelings for me or you like me. Okay, it would be inconsiderate if you liked me and I didn't feel the same, but that's not the case- we're platonic friends! And I wouldn't care if that happened with Jason bc whatever, lol. 
Johnson: I'll think about it 
Blair: About what? 

I turned to face Shane.

"What the hell is he thinking about?"

"Probably if he can be friends with you, you know he obviously likes you."

Johnson: If being friends is a good idea. At least at this time.

-

"What the hell were you thinking?" Johnny asked, as he laughed his ass off. "You're a smart girl, so you must have been sneakily trying to get back at him, you must have!"

I scooped up another bit of Velveeta shells with my fork, and shook my head.

"You weren't trying to rub it in his face?"

"NO, Johnny, I genuinely thought that I could be friends with him and that he was mature! He talked about other girls and that night at the bar he even flirted with girls and hooked up with one," I said, as I pulled my hair up into a high pony.

"C'mon, you don't need to tell me what he was doing that for." Johnny looked at me, expectantly.

"Okay, I now know that he is obviously super into me, and that he was doing this petty shit to cope, but at the time I genuinely thought we could be friends!" I really had, Johnson had initially seemed so cool, I didn't think that he would be a psychopath.

"Yeah, well now you know."

"Yeah, well now I have no one to go to the event with." I had completely forgotten about the event at the local bar, until I came to the startling realization that it was Monday and that I had one hundred percent wanted to go.

"Why not? Just go by yourself."

If it was a normal event, I would have gone in a heartbeat, but it wasn't.

"Yeah, and have all the med students ask, 'What year are you?' And then, have me say, 'I'm not in med school, I'm just this weird little girl who's here for no reason.' NOT TO MENTION, Johnson is going to be there AND Romney."

"Yeah, well I have no desire to go, so you're out of luck."

And then suddenly, it dawned on me.

When Zayn Finally F's Off

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
-Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

The following post is definitely a more serious one- not the typical kind of humor/content.

A couple weeks ago, something traumatic happened to me. And I didn't know it was traumatic until it followed me around like a ghost, haunting me, and affecting me in ways that I didn't think that it could. It seemed so small and insignificant, really, especially since I consider myself to be a strong young woman, but after all of this, I've learned that strength does not come up from always being indifferent or holding yourself up, but from how you react when you allow yourself to fall down.

Being taken advantage of isn't just through physical means, there are so many ways that you can be taken advantage of emotionally. There are so many ways in which you can be swayed or taken advantage of, when you're in a weak emotional state, and you just tell yourself, "okay, I guess." And I shouldn't have let myself give in, because of a lackluster, "Okay, I guess." I shouldn't have let myself do the things I did, for, "Okay, I guess." I shouldn't have just gone with it, or let them touch me, when I was not one hundred percent in. You don't round up for these things, and I wish that I was stronger so that I could have said no.

And even though I never, ever, ever wanted to talk to Zayn again, and I wanted to ignore him for the rest of my life, Yeezy's word's kept following me.

Yeezy: I think you just need to close that chapter in your life.
Blair: I do too, which is why I'm not talking to him. But he texts me every week, and I ignore him every week.
Yeezy: Ignoring people is not a way to close that experience.

"Okay, I think I'm going to say something," I said, as I looked at my phone. Kayresia and I were sitting on her bed, watching Love and Hip Hop.

"OKAY, I've got it. I'm going to say, 'I would rather have it that way, it was a traumatic experience and I've moved on and I've been living my life, happily. I don't want to speak to or see you again.'" I smiled, and looked up at Kayresia, who was looking at me as if I had just throat punched her grandmother.

"What?" I asked, innocently.

"Blair, you finna make him jump off a building or kill himself with that shit."

"I'm just trying to be honest!"

"You're BRUTALLY honest." she said.

Okay, she had a point. Maybe it was a little bit mean considering that Zayn and I were friends.

"What's wrong with it?"

"First of all, don't use the word traumatic, and second of all, just say you would prefer not be friends with him."

"Can I still say it was traumatic?"

"NO, just say it was... different."

Blair: I would rather have it this way, it was a weird experience and I've moved on and have been living my life. I would prefer not to be friends.

And within seconds, my phone was blowing up.

"I thought this would go away!" I said, shaking my head. Kayresia looked at me, and laughed.

"It won't go away now, you already started it."

"Can't I just ignore him?" I asked, innocently. It was totally fine, I would just ignore him forever, and it would be-

WAIT.

I looked at the text again, to make sure I was reading things correctly.

Zayn: I must be not understanding something. Can you at least explain to me what it was that was so weird that you feel like we can't even talk anymore? I mean I know it wasn't the greatest experience but it's not like I'm asking for that again. We don't even have to hang out again like we used to. I just want to be able to walk past the desk and not be ignored. It makes me feel uncomfortable and even more so because it happens around people I work with as well. I don't know if that was something you wanted from me and are upset that I wasn't into it or that you feel like I violated your trust for allowing that to happen when we just wanted to be friends. If you at least tell me what's going on, maybe I would understand why you're so upset

DID HE JUST SAY THAT TO ME?!?!

"OH HELL NO," I yelled. I looked at Kayresia, and from the look I gave her, she knew I was going to insert the word traumatic into the conversation. I was completely disgusted and annoyed that Zayn would even THINK that I was acting weird because I wanted him.

"I don't know if that was something you wanted from me and are upset that I wasn't into it."

1. He was SO fucking into it.
2. I was SO fucking not into it.

Literally, the whole thing with Zayn traumatized me, and not even in a remotely funny way. For the two weeks after it happened, I was completely disgusted by guys. The mention or thought of sex made me want to throw up; I felt this terrible nauseous feeling inside of me. Whenever guys would come up to me and want to flirt with me, I felt gross. It was just this gross feeling that followed me around- this disgust and distrust of guys. I couldn't look at my other guy friends the same way, without thinking that they would lose my trust like Zayn did. That they would try to fuck me when I was down. It was a terrible, gross feeling, and it wasn't okay again, I wasn't okay again until I got over it. 

And I didn't even realize it was a problem until Johnny and I were hanging out one night, and he had the lights off in his living room, and I completely lost my shit. I really did. I completely lost my shit when Johnny had the lights off, and we were watching a movie, because I just felt so gross and so uneasy, anxious and upset. And after talking to him, and finally admitting the gross experience with Zayn was traumatic, it helped me realize what was going on. The disgust with myself (and guys) faded away.

But I couldn't be mean, I wasn't a mean girl.

Blair: It was a traumatic experience for me, I was going through something and I was upset and you were supposed to be there as a friend. Okay, it was weird and traumatizing and definitely not something that I wanted. And let's just leave it at that.

Zayn: And trust me, that was not something I was planning. I've felt like shit about it ever since. I really only wanted to be there for you as a friend. I let my loneliness get the better of me and I misread the situation because I thought you felt the same way. I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious when you asked me how my week was that I was depressed, considering I had just been shot down for the umpteenth time. At this point I'm not going to try to convince you to change your mind because I have no right to do so. I will say that I am truly sorry for being an asshole of a human being and ask that you think about forgiving me. Whether that's now, or later is completely your choice.

And I still haven't fully read what he wrote back, and to be honest, I don't really care. All I care about is that this happened, and it was in the past, and now I've moved on and closed that part of my life.

Even though I always write about the funny things that happen in my life, this is a very serious post, with a very serious message. Don't ever, ever do anything that you aren't sure of. Unless you're in it one hundred percent, don't allow yourself to do something that you are hesitant about. It doesn't matter what other people want or think, all that matters is you.

There have been times when I've slept with guys, even though I wasn't one hundred percent, even though I wasn't fully sure. I just said, "Okay, whatever," and did things that I shouldn't have. Zayn wasn't the first, and Ted was a monster in his own way. And I think sometimes that's why they are the worst experiences that I have had with men, because I shouldn't have done anything. I used to regret these experiences, but I've learned to be careful and to be sure. And even though I wasn't sexually assaulted, I still feel uneasy about both of them- because I was not into it; I didn't really want it. And that's what happens, when you allow someone in, when you aren't sure. It should never be, "okay, I guess." It really shouldn't.

But I'm okay, and I'm living my life, and I've learned to only be with anyone that you're absolutely enthusiastically super into. And for a little while, I wondered if I could ever be with another guy again, and I kissed Carter, and the was the first guy in a long time.

Slice of Apple Pie, Part Two

“Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.”
-William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

"Just so you know, it's hard to get attention from me, this kind of thing never happens," Carter said, as we walked down the street.

"You said that already, do I need to say that I'm not that easy and hard to get, for the millionth time too?" I said, as I held my umbrella. A pedestrian walked by, and completely gave Carter side eye for not holding my umbrella. The streets were slick with water, as it rained and scattered precipitation all over the brick buildings. Worms covered the sidewalks, and we walked down the street towards the restaurant.

"I'm just saying, I make girls crazy, Blair." I stopped in my tracks, and turned to face him.

"Yeah, well I don't play games Carter, because I don't have time for that."

He stared at me blankly, as it rained all around us.

As soon as we got to the place, Carter paid for his own food and ordered for himself. And I stood there, mouth open in shock as this all happened. As I ordered, he walked over to some girls, and started talking to them, glancing over to me to gauge my reaction.

"A turkey burger, no onion or tomato, and cheese fries," I said, as I handed over my card, and paid no attention to Carter. I walked over to the table, completely ignoring that he existed. And out of the corner of my eye, I knew that he was annoyed by that.

As we walked out of the restaurant, I turned to look at him.

"Is this considered a date?" I asked, completely blindsiding Carter. He looked at me, like I admitted like I was secretly a call girl.

"This is a hang out," he said, "I don't like calling something a date if I don't have my car."

"Yes I know, but earlier, you said that if you hang out with someone and you end up getting food, then it's a date." I responded, sassily.

"Shit, then you're right, it's a date." And as we walked about half a block, abruptly, he turned to me. "Why Blair, do you care if it's a date?"

I turned, and looked at him. "I'm indifferent, and besides, it's definitely not." I responded, as I continued walking.

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't pay."

-

"HOLY SHIT, what happened next?" Serena asked, as I was on the phone with her.

"He seemed hurt by it, and annoyed...I don't think he was expecting me to be so sassy. On the way home I said that I was cold, and he like...tried to wrap his arm around me. It was weird, because he definitely wasn't that type of guy."

"He's obviously hurt, Blair, he likes you!"

"Yeah, well if he does, then he shouldn't be playing games with me!"

As soon as I said that, Kayresia called my name.

"Blair, how many guys have you dated?"

"Dated or gone on dates with?" I asked, casually.

"This is a really good question!" Serena said, from the phone.

"Okay, I'm gonna count guys I've kissed, since I've come to college....I need a moment for this."

Kayresia gave me a funny look, and then started to laugh. "Damn, you thotlicious."

"There was...Haz, Bill, James."

"Shit, I forgot James was in there too," she said, laughing.

"Sexy Drake, Alejandro, Luke, Johnny." I paused for a moment, "Did I forget anyone else in there?"

Kayresia and Serena were erupting with laughter at this point.

"Jake Reagan, Toronto, Chuck, FOR A YEAR AND A HALF, I MIGHT ADD."

"Thot thot thotlicious."

"Romney, Ted (ew), Rafael, and-"

"Don't forget Tinder Guy #3," Kayresia said.

"Okay... Tinder Guy #3, and then Carter! That's it, you assholes!"

"You forgot the new guy!" Kayresia added.

"I didn't, I added Carter to the list!"

"No, she's talking about the shy guy!" Serena said, on the phone. "You forgot about him!"

"Guys, I haven't even gone on a date with him!"

"You might as well put him down," Kayresia said, with a laugh.

"I have a good feeling about shy guy," Serena admitted. And to be completely honest...I did too.

-

Neck in writhing pain, sore as fuck body, messy hair, no makeup, super obvious floral scarf to conceal the remnants of last night. That is how I walked into work the next morning, looking like an absolute fucking disaster, and feeling like an even bigger one. And as I checked my phone, to see the text waiting for me, I felt even more annoyed.

Zayn: Hey so I know you said you wanted to avoid each other for like a week but it's been almost a month. I know you feel like it's weird after what happened but it feels really weird for me that we're still not talking and that you are ignoring me when you see me. You're a good friend and I don't like to let one bad thing ruin a friendship. At the very least, I hope we can talk about it and figure something out instead of just going on the way it is.

Peck Me, Get Me

"Hey, we got a good thing, don't know if I'mma see you again. But is that a good thing?"

-J. Cole

It had been exactly two weeks since I stopped talking to Chuck, and it had been a week and a half since I had started not-so-sneakily sneaking around with Carter. It didn't really matter, because Regina and I weren't friends anymore, but something was bothering me.

Why the fuck hadn't Carter made a move on me yet?

It had been a week and a half of him driving me to class, us sitting and flirting during class, and him bringing me coffee (he remembered my order). A week and a half of casual flirting, texting spontaneously, and chance encounter run-ins. But during this time there wasn't even a bit of hand holding, or even a peck on the lips, or anything. 

And it was driving me crazy. I knew I definitely wanted to take things slow after the traumatic experience I had with Zayn, but I liked Carter. He had stuck around a lot longer than the other guys had...and we hadn't even had our first date yet! He was funny, and cute, and proved to be much more of a challenge than I thought he would be. I was used to guys dropping everything to be with me, or to try and get me- Ted, Tinder Guy #3, all of the guys had been so easy. The only one that hadn't (that I also liked) was Rafael, but he ended up boning and disowning me, so there's that...

I knew that I had been driving him crazy too- with his terrible texting, his cancelling our first date, and other things, he had expected me to completely tweak like other girls did. He even embellished him cancelling the plans with a "you must hate me right now!" But I didn't give a fuck- and he himself had even told me that he was completely floored by how chill I was. I don't really sweat the small things and I don't really do drama.. but I definitely had to admit that he was starting to irk me.

How had he not kissed me yet?

It's not like I was wondering why he didn't fuck me yet- I'm not that type of girl, and I definitely learned my lesson after the whole Rafael thing. You never, ever, ever fuck someone that you're trying to date. Definitely not prematurely. And based on the type of fuck boys I've interacted with, if he was trying to just bang me, he definitely would have tried already to meet and "hang out."

Blair: I'm surprised you haven't made a move yet!
Carter: What?
Blair: The kiss that you said you wanted?
Carter: I want to, but life keeps getting in the way.

And then, this MF tried to tell me that he was just disorganized and busy. And as I looked at my phone, I couldn't help but think to myself,

"Is he fucking shiting me?"

Maybe it was because I was used to guys dropping everything for me- okay, not maybe, but definitely because I was used to getting attention and having to dismiss guys or get them to back off a bit. But the fact of the matter is, for a guy that's supposedly interested in me, shouldn't he be trying to...you know, get me?

The Rules of the Game

“Look for the exception to every rule and you'll find it."

-Proverb

I think that dating's an experiment, it's a bunch of trial and error, and a bunch of revisions to your experiment. Whether it's isolating a certain group to be your experimental group (no more dating hella old guys), or changing your control that you use for comparison (no more comparing to my failed relationship with Chuck), or adding procedures (first date should be a coffee date), dating for me has definitely been a bunch of trial and error.

Mostly error.

And so, as a result of everything that's happened for the past two months, I have decided that I am going to make a couple rules for myself, too ensure that I don't get lost in the sauce.

1. No sex. Sex used to be important and valuable to me, but I feel like it's lost it's meaning as I've gotten older. 
2. No sex with Chuck. Seriously, just because he's phenomenal at it, doesn't mean that you can sporadically and spontaneously have sex with with him. Sex with an ex is absolutely a terrible idea. 
3. Actually, don't even talk to Chuck. He doesn't deserve it, you're too good of a girlfriend AND friend for him. He's not worth it, because he fucking sucks. 
4. Avoid Zayn at all costs. At risk of projectile vomiting, running away to hide, or other embarrassing (for him) behaviors, it's probably best that you avoid him until you die, or until he dies. Whichever comes first. 
5. No dating guys until Regina's birthday on March 12th. That'll be like, almost three weeks without dating anyone. The longest you've gone without finding a new guy since the break up was like five days! Plus, if you start dating someone now it'll be awkward because when her party comes up, that whole "what are we?," "should I bring him?" thing comes up and that's just awkward, okay? 
6. No texting Rafael anymore. He's a lost cause who spontaneously is interested, disappears, and then texts you like two weeks later. Yes, he is super fucking hot, but he's also a fuckboy, and you always seem to catch the stupid when it comes to him.

Maybe'll I'll meet the Chuck Bass to my Blair Waldorf now?

Of Course

“It's hard to believe in coincidence, but it's even harder to believe in anything else.” 

-John Green

-

There is a universal law that whenever there is a guy you don't want to see, they will magically appear, and another that if there's a guy you really want to see- you won't. It's a well known fact, and probably one of the most frustrating things in the entire world.

-

"Yeah but insurance doesn't work that way," Kayresia said, as the two of us walked past the apartment mailboxes. I heard footsteps, and I had a weird gut feeling inside of me. I turned around, to see old ass Romney staring back at me, vneck sweater and all.

"Hello Blair," he said, smiling at me.

Why the fuck was he smiling me? As far as I knew, I had never wanted to see him again, for a variety of different reasons. It wasn't just that he embarrassed me two months ago at my staff holiday party by being a pompous asshole and running away, or that he made me basically un-dateable for every first year medical student. It wasn't even that when I had my first kiss with Tinder Guy #3 that Romney had seen us (seriously, it really isn't, I dumped TG #3, remember?). It was that I couldn't stand him!

Regina and Casey had made an effort to be extra antagonistic to him, and for good reason too! If any of my friends were involved with a nearly thirty fuck boy, I would be purposely bitchy to him too!

"Hi." I said, looking over at Kayresia. She looked back at me, clearly amused by this.

Louis then walked around us, and turned to Kayresia. "Hi Kayresia," he said, as he scurried off like a sewer rat. My eyes narrowed to little slits, as I gave him a death stare, as he walked off.

"Of course we would run into him," I said, as I took another deep glug of black coffee.

"Of course Blair, you always run into people you don't want to run into," Kayresia laughed.

-

As I walked out of the student center, I saw a familiar figure heading towards me. That stupid fucking Guess grey leather jacket. That jacket used to be one of my favorite things in the entire world, the first time I ever saw it was when Chuck and I went on one of the most magical dates of my entire life (no more detail on that later, that is the past), but now I felt like it was taunting me.

"Hey!" Chuck said, with a smile.

I looked at him, and quickly walked away. "Hey." I said, coldly, not even making a face.

I didn't even look back to see if he was surprised, but I had a feeling that he was after what had happened between us.

-

The Thursday before, Chuck asked me to come over to help him with his personal statement for his internship; the two of us had stayed up until three in the morning, and then woken up again at seven am to work on it. I was there for him, just like I always was. Before I had left to go over to his place, though, Kayresia, Casey, and Regina had all told me the same thing- not to tell Chuck that I fucked Zayn. For whatever, reason, they thought he was going to knock out Zayn, and care that we fucked. And I thought he wouldn't.

And guess what?

He didn't. Chuck never cared, he wasn't like some other ex boyfriend, harboring feelings or feeling some kind of way after the break up. If he had, we would've gotten back together by now.

I'm not going to lie, Chuck and I definitely slept together, a couple, multiple times. And as I walked through campus on that Friday afternoon, Yael had stopped me.

"Hey, are you on break from class?" Yael asked, curiously.

"Kind of. Not really. I spent the night at Chuck's place," I said, hiding behind my infinity scarf.

"I know, Blair," Yael said, looking at me. I stared at him, blankly. Was I giving off a sex smell or something?

"You have hella bed head right now," Yael added, laughing.

"Shut up, it's not that bad!"

As we walked and caught up with everything that happened, Yael turned to look at me. "You guys need to get back together," he said, adamantly.

"Wait, what?" I said, my jaw nearly dropping to the ground. Sure, Chuck and I were friends, but it was a well known fact that the two of us were not getting back together. Chuck wanted to be alone, he wanted to be completely alone. and he got what he wanted. He doesn't want to be with me, and there's some guy out there who does.

"You guys are acting like little kids, just stop it and get back together," Yael said. I gave him a look, and shook my head.

"No. We aren't."

"Blair, we all know that you and Chuck are going to get back together."

The two of us had plans to hang out that night, and as eight drew closer, I texted him.

And then he texted back, pushing it back.

And then, two hours later, he cancelled on me. Even though I had so much going on in my life, and I told him that I needed to talk. He cancelled, when he knew how important it was for me, and that I needed him to be there for me, like I had been there for him Thursday night. And of course, he said that something comes up, because something always came up, Whether as friends, or as lovers, Chuck never made me a priority. And that feeling told me everything that I needed to know.

-

I hadn't talked to him in days, and I was planning on not speaking to him, when he just magically showed up on campus.

"Of course I run into him, I can run into two ex boyfriends, but Rafael won't even text me back," I thought to myself.

I had gotten excited that weekend, because Rafael had texted me. And somehow, I misinterpreted him being a fuckboy, as genuine interest. There was just something about this stupid guy that made my brain temporarily stop functioning, something about him that bothered me- in the most annoyingly good way possible. He was annoying, and stupid, and he knew exactly how to mess with my mind.

Lackluster

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." 

- Billy Joel

-

Zayn: Look, I get it. It was weird. I'm really sorry that it happened and frankly I'm embarrassed and already have been feeling like shit about it since you left. It honestly makes me feel like less of a man. I get it if you want to not see each other and if you need space, but I would like to just move past this and just go back to being friends. I value our friendship a lot and I know things have been difficult for you recently and I don't want you to have to go through it alone. If you still doing want to see me, that's fine just let me know and I'll leave you alone. Also if there's something else that's bothering you about it or you feel like it would be good for us to talk about it, let me know. I'll make time

The text had been the big white elephant in my life, and I didn't know how to politely say, "I never want to see you again, because that was fucking weird," in the nicest way possible. I smoothed my pencil skirt, and checked my outfit once more. My boss ass bitch curls from yesterday (rock-it waves, courtesy of my hairdresser Liz) had mellowed down into loose, casual waves, my pencil skirt and black blazer perfectly hid the atrocious Burger King-style work polos that my boss wanted everyone to wear at the VIP event, and my grey suede wedges clicked perfectly on the ground. I was going to get my groove back.

As Kayresia and Casey worked their stations, and the event unfolded effortlessly, I felt perfectly happy, and perfectly fine.

"Are you feeling better?" Casey asked, as I sat down next to the booth.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

"Why were you so sad?" She asked, as I pulled out my anally organized clipboard with names and notes scratched everywhere.

"I made a poor life decision and it left me feeling some kind of way," I sighed.

"Who did you fuck?"

-

As I walked through the room, I somehow got sucked into a conversation with this chatty older woman- she was in her early fifties, but she had the enthusiasm of a three year old. She kept yammering on and on, as I awkwardly looked at Casey and Kayresia for a bit of help.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked, expectantly. She looked up at me, as if she was a puppy at PetCo and I was a little kid.

"Um, no."

"SO YOU'RE SINGLE?" Her eyes lip up, as she whipped her phone out. I looked over at my coworkers, who were absolutely snickering at the current situation. Awesome. First, I bring a date to our staff holiday party that runs away, and now at our VIP event, someone tries to set me up with a random.

The rest of the conversation was a blur, up until..

"Oh my god, you're so cute! I have to get your contact information" she said, as she scribbled down her name and email.

"Okay, I'll be sure to call you," I said politely, as I looked over at my friends for help. Casey and Kayresia were so, so dead. Not only did this lady ask for a picture with me, but she genuinely thought that I was going to go on a date, that she and her friend were going to chaperone. As if!

She left the room, and I walked up to Kayresia and Casey.

"You guys are dead to me."

-

A fun fact about me and my friends is that we are in Target more than necessary- it's a habit that started when we all became a squad....basically when Chuck and I had broken up. It's embarrassing to admit, but I was that girl who disappeared into a urethra when Chuck and I were dating. And as I searched high and low for Starburst jellybeans, Kayresia stopped.

"Blair, just tell me who you fucked," she said, bluntly.

"I fucked...," I hesitated for a moment, and then took a deep breath, "I fucked-"

She looked at me, expectantly.

"I FUCKED ZAYN AND IT'S SO EMBARASSING AND HUMILIATING AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT AND I FEEL SO FUCKING ASHAMED." It all came out, all at once, like word vomit, and as I nearly felt like blowing chunks, Kayresia looked at me.

"So? He's not that bad, he's a nice guy."

"YEAH BUT HIS DICK WAS SMALL AND IT WAS WEIRD AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I JUST, I CAN'T KAYRESIA. WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS SEX I WANT TO BLOW CHUNKS."

"Okay, listen, we all have that person that we regret sleeping with. And it's fine, shit happens. And yours is obviously Zayn. but don't feel bad. Shit happens." And just like that, she kept walking, and put a load of bread into our cart.

-

"Okay, so who did you fuck?" Casey said, as she grabbed some more Starburst jellybeans.

"The worst possible pers-"

"Rafael."

"No."

"Romney?"

"NO. Way worse."

"Ted."

"WORSER."

"Who could be worser than Ted....CHUCK?!" She put a hand over her mouth, in shock.

"No, and Chuck and I have had sex plenty of times since we broke up," I said, nonchalantly, as I picked out a single hunter green bean from the bag. "It's no biggie."

"YOU HAVE?!"

"Yes, Casey, we almost got back together at one point." Casey looked at me, in shock, as if I was telling her that I had shoved a twelve foot pole up her father's ass.

"You missed a lot when you got a boyfriend and disappeared," I laughed, as I picked out a blood red bean.

"Worse than Ted, not many guys are worse than Ted...not Chuck...YOU FUCKED ZAYN."

Casey turned and looked at me, in complete shock. It took a couple minutes of her freaking out, until we returned to somewhat normalcy.

"You know, out of all the guys you've dated after Chuck, they've all been a lot hotter and a lot better. The only reason that Zayn is under Chuck is because you said that Chuck was amazing at sex."

"Savage AF,"I laughed, "But now I am completely repulsed and completely disgusted by sex."

"Just fuck Chuck, and you'll get over it," Casey suggested. "Was that the worst advice you've gotten?"

"No, the worst was when Regina just laughed at Zayn's use of the word lackluster."