Showing posts with label season two. Show all posts
Showing posts with label season two. Show all posts

Be Nice To The Boys in Chicago, Elizabeth

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You


-

"You're a three for three, do you know what that means?" My uncle asked, drunkenly, as I stood there awkwardly, trying to escape his grasp.

He looked deep into my eyes, and stared at me, intensely.

"You're young, you're beautiful, and you're intelligent."

I thanked him, and as I tried to walk off, he grabbed my forearm.

"Be nice to the boys in Chicago, okay, Elizabeth?"

-

Hell fucking no, I wasn't going to be nice to the boys in Chicago, because they were completely NOT nice to me. I had thought about it, in retrospect, all the guys that I've dated (or not dated), and at first I thought to myself, "Elizabeth Bui, maybe you're being a little bit harsh on these guys, maybe they aren't so terrible," and then I thought about it for a couple more seconds, and came to the realization that actually, the guys that I've met since the beginning of this blog, are actually pretty damn terrible. If anyone should be getting nice treatment, it should be me, Blair fucking Bui, for all the nonsense that I've had to deal with from these fuckers.

Ted Chang

  • Was excessively clingy and weird, and said that he could see me as his wife after like, three dates.
  • Was a neanderthal and embarrassed me in the Art Institute
  • Got me drunk off moscato, and banged me, even though I didn't really want to
  • Used disgusting adjectives to describe normal things- called my dress yummy, called a PAINTING crispy. UM, IS A MANET PAINTING FRIED CHICKEN NOW?
  • Could never talk to him, so I always had to go see movies so I could ignore him
  • Bossed me around, like a typical stereotypical weird Asian guy

Louis Romney

  • Sent me a list of problems he had with me, like what?
  • Was super cocky, super Republican, and always mentioned how much older he was than me
  • Ran away during one of my work events, when Kayresia asked him what his intentions with me were
  • Has five hundred side hos, and probably a secret wife and kids in Hawaii
  • Always talked about how he hated Hispanic, and poor people

Rafael Mancilla

  • Claimed that he had kidney problems, and that he couldn't go on a sushi date with me, but then still came over and banged me
  • AND then totally tried to ghost me
  • Basically a twenty three year old fuck boy, with a schwag job, that smokes weed day and night


Target Guy

  • Asked me on a date in a grocery store
  • Basically told me that he's a pedophile, and that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two
  • And then he thought I would go home with him after that???


Johnson Baker

  • OH MY GOD
  • DON'T GET ME STARTED
  • ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER
  • Thinks he's the bomb dot com, and can't seem to understand that there's (a fucking lot of) women out there who don't want to date him
  • Followed me for twenty blocks, asking me why I wouldn't date/bang/WHATEVER him
  • And then in Target too
  • And then called me inconsiderate and acted like I was at fault
  • Non-stop asked me why I wouldn't date him
  • Didn't know what foccacia bread was
  • Didn't know what sugar packets were
  • Kept acting like something was wrong with me, just because I wouldn't date him
  • Basically was an idiot, and a gremlin man-child that would not let shit go, and nonstop asked me why I wouldn't date him, and obviously had weird feelings for me, but was incapable of moving the fuck on


Zayn

  • BASICALLY, he took advantage of me when I was really, really, really sad and depressed, and he slept with me even though I wasn't into it, and then he wouldn't leave me alone and kept acting like I was acting weird because I liked him
  • WHICH I FUCKING DID NOT EW


Carter Chavez

  • Literally a fuck boy, and an idiot
  • Sent me pictures of him smoking with his foot
  • HIS FOOT
  • WHO DOES THAT?!
  • Would not stop trying to tap me


Jason

  • Basically told me he didn't have to time to "cultivate" (TF?) a relationship, but he's literally on every dating app imaginable
  • Talks like a 70's frat star, and the first time he met me, he punched me on my right upper arm, and sometimes I still think it hurts to this day


Derek

  • Kept asking me for another chance, and acted like he deserved one, was annoying and super persistent


Kevin

  • Got like, $100 worth of free consultations
  • Basically tried to tap me, got rejected, and then stole my business idea


Chuck Fucking Cuevas


And then I sat there, incapable of making that last list. I looked at that name, and I didn't even know what to say. Chuck and I really have had our ups and downs this semester, and we really have been through a lot. He sat there, and watched me date (and bang) other guys, right in front of him, and he didn't say anything. And I understand that he didn't say anything because he didn't think it was his place, but in the end, it bothered the hell out of him, and he just didn't say anything. And don't I deserve someone that will say something? Someone that cares so passionately about me, that they'd go after me and say something?

And it's not like Chuck never says anything- there was the time that he was adorably annoying as fuck, and kept sending me passive-aggressive messages in order to talk to me, when I was ignoring him. But I had only ignored him, and walked away because he wasn't there for me, when I needed him to be. And I walked away because he didn't say anything, and because he let me.

And he's been around recently, as much as I want to pretend like everything is perfect and dandy, and magical between us- it doesn't change the fact that he can't be with anyone right now. AND YES, it's sweet that if he could, it would be me, in a heartbeat, but I just... I need him to say anything. I need him to say something, and I need him to give me something that's worth waiting and fighting for. Because right now, I honestly just don't know. 

And the last thing I said to him was on Thursday morning, and he didn't say anything back. And now it's the night before he's going to leave, and he still hasn't said anything. And I know it's silly, and I should just say something- but I'm always the one who says something. It wasn't even a big crazy message, I literally just messaged him back something normal- and he just didn't say anything! 

And maybe it's because we both don't know what this is, or what's going on. I mean, I really don't...I've been sneaking around secretly with Chuck, but who knows what's going to happen, or if it's worth it. And I wish that I was as fearless as I used to be, and that I could just dive headfirst, and belly up. But the same question keeps asking me, "Did you crawl out of the pit he threw you in, and climb that mountain...just for this?"

Is Chuck really it, Blair?

And I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I just know that he hasn't said anything- and I need him to say anything.

A Cocktail of Terrible Stereotypes

“The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You


-

I remember going to a St. Baldrick's event, and having Shane say, "Is this a fundraiser or a gathering of guys you went on dates with?" Because literally, this College of Medicine event turned into a collection of a bunch of guys that I had gone on dates with. I've dated quite a few med students, and I know a little bit too much about the people in the COM at my school (more than I care to). As a result, I consider myself a little bit of an expert (unfortunately), when it comes to dating med students. I've pretty much dated them all, and the weirdest/worst thing about med students, is that they don't just fall under one of these categories, no, they're like a cocktail of terrible stereotypes and douchebaggery. Romney was a mix of at least three of these things, Johnson Baker as well, they're like a potpourri of asshole-ness.

Oh med students, the most transparent and easiest to spot of men.

But all in all, here we go-

The Different Types of Guys You'll Date From Med School


The One Who Thinks He’s God’s Gift to Humanity- Not to be confused with “The One Who Thinks He’s The Next Surgeon General,” although they both think that they’re tremendously phenomenal in different ways. This guy thinks that he’s an absolute God- and that each and every woman will bow down in chances that he will date that lucky, average female. Because he is SOOOO spectacular, he is unable to comprehend the word “no,” and is incapable of handling rejection, because he thinks he’s hot shit. He thinks he’s McDreamy, and will be completely incapable of understanding why you won’t date/sleep/bow down to him.

The One Who Thinks He’s The Next Surgeon General- He thinks he’s a medical GOD, and that he is going to be the best damn doctor in the entire world. He believes that he is a medical genius, and on the path to revolutionizing medicine. He probably will talk shit about his classmates, and how incredibly amazing and intelligent he is. Will probably want to go into some sort of surgery, most likely cardio-thoracic.

The Gunner- He lives, eats, breathes, anatomy, and spends all of his time studying, day and night. You will be rendered useless and unnecessary to him, because you are not going to advance his medical career. He will pay more attention to his anatomy textbook than you. All he cares about is med school, and all he talks and thinks about is….med school.

The One Who Probably Has A Wife and Kids- A little (or a lot) older than the conventional med student, he's re-living his undergrad years by dating hella females. His Facebook profile is squeaky clean, and he deletes tags on the regular. You never know that he's thinking, or what he's up to, and he definitely always acts like he's hiding something... after all, he is old enough to be someone's father... maybe even yours. He dresses like he works a 9-5 job, and is extremely secretive.

The One With Side Hos For Days- He is basically dating four girls at once, most likely all from the College of Medicine. Skillfully, and carefully, he will make sure they are all in different social groups so that they never come across each other. Think John Tucker, but in wannabe scrubs. He is most likely overcompensating for something, whether it's his lack of game in undergrad, feeling inferior to classmates, or that he's incapable of adult relationships. Will most likely be banging nurses in residency.

The One That Every Girl Has A Crush On- Super handsome, super suave, and super dreamy- this is the guy that everyone in med school thinks is the hunkiest and handsomest. The real McDreamy, his ridiculous attractiveness will have you questioning how someone like him could possibly exist. Unfortunately, he probably is still with his girlfriend from undergrad...sorry.

The Rebounding Mess- Recently broke up with his long-term girlfriend from undergrad, and now he's banging everything that he sees in sight. Will use the fact that he's a future doctor to score girls (but then again, every guy on this list does...), and uses the um, "companionship" of other women to pretend like he's not absolutely hurt and heartbroken.

The One That’s “Perfect”- Handsome, smart, intelligent- everyone says he's a great guy, a nice guy, a phenomenal person, and that's what he is, right? Definitely not. You will think every guy on this list, is "perfect" when you first meet them, and then you will be sadly awoken to realize that there is most definitely, something wrong with them.

But all in all- this is not a definitive list (although pretty damn close, if I do say so myself), and of course, like men in general- not all guys in med school are terrible. Just a hell of a lot of them.

That Awkward Indian Boy

Monday, May 9, 2016

“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.”
-Nicholas Sparks


-

Almost two years ago...


"I don't need a boyfriend," I laughed, flipping my collarbone-length lob, and putting on another layer of fuchsia lipstick. "I'm living a very happy life right now," I said, looking over at Miguel.

"Mhm, hooking up with guys and going out and partying and what not," he said, giving me side eye. "You don't ever think about settling down or anything?"

I shook my head. I had dated Haz for half of my freshman year, and after spending the entire summer being single, hooking up with Johnny and having a fling with Jake Reagan, I had the realization that I didn't need to be in a relationship, nor did I want to. Relationships were messy and complicated, you put yourself out there only to have yourself smashed to pieces, and before all of that, all you did was walk around with something being tremendously cheesy and tremendously embarrassing. I didn't need to care about anyone- I could take care of myself, and I didn't need to waste my feelings on anyone, except for myself.

We had continued talking, until we ventured to the subject of alcohol. I held up my iPhone 5, and showed Miguel the giant margarita that had given me the hangover of my life.

"I didn't even finish it," I said, "I drank half of it, and then threw up everywhere."

"What a waste," a voice said. I turned to see one of the Peer Advisors standing there, looking at me. He was awkward and lanky, skinny and scrawny. His nerdy t-shirt was paired with engineer jeans and Nikes. He was thin, awkward, and looked like he regularly tripped over himself, due to his long limbs and stumbly personality. Charlie Cuevas, the most awkward, and nerdiest boy that I had ever met in my entire life, he looked like he had never even touched a woman (even accidentally) in his entire life, and his disheveled everything showed that all he did was probably play video games and do other nerdy shit.

He and I had run into each other a couple times freshman year, the most notable experience was when I threw a building pool party, and as everyone lounged casually, his nerdy ass jumped into the pool and was embarassing.

"Excuse me?" I said, looking at him. "Have you even drank before?" I gave him a glare, awaiting his response.

"Yeah, I drink all the time," he responded, awkwardly. Miguel just sat there in the background, loving all of this.

"Oh really?" I scanned him again, from head to toe. He looked like someone who had never been in the same room with alcohol, let alone someone who "drank all the time." I knew he didn't go to parties, and that his friend group wasn't one that drank. "Where?"

"In like, Mexico, and stuff."

Why was this awkward indian boy lying to me?

"Okay." He actually thought that I was going to believe him?

Somehow, he and I kept talking. The two of us kept talking, and for some reason, I found myself actually enjoying the conversation. We kept talking, and he surprisingly was actually fun to talk to, not that I would ever tell anyone that. It was weirdly easy to talk to him, even though we were total strangers, and even though we had talked for the first time minutes before, it didn't feel like it.

"OH MY GOD, I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!" Chuck yelled, as he looked around rapidly, and then ran off, awkwardly.

"He likes you," Miguel said, as soon as Chuck had ran off.

"No he doesn't," I said, going back to my Instagram. There was no way that Awkward Magee would be remotely into me.

"He does, and he thinks you're super pretty. It's so obvious. You should talk to him."

I looked at Miguel for a second, and then burst out laughing. "ME? AND HIM? He's so awkward and skinny, no way."

"Blair, he's a really nice guy, you should give him a chance," Miguel said, looking at me.

"Maybe," I said, looking away. And I don't know what possessed me, but I did.

-

Blair: Your favorite desk worker works today!

Miguel had told me to try to talk to him, and that was that I did. I sent him that message a couple days later after meeting, and lo and behold, he casually showed up during my shift. He walked up to me, and as he got closer, I kind of looked at him, noticing things about him. Chuck was actually kind of cute, and stuff. Sure, he was still extremely nerdy and awkward, but he was cute.

The two of us talked, as Regina sat there, and a few of my other friends.

"So how are you going to to get it to me?" I asked Chuck, as he fumbled around with his phone.

"Oh, er, well, I could um, bring it when you work or something," he responded.

"How are you supposed to know when I work?" I laughed, looking at him. Come on, I had to be pretty obvious at this point that we should swap numbers. He looked at me, blankly.

"I dunno."

Regina stifled a laugh, as Miguel turned around to hide his grin.

"I could give you my number?" I suggested, as Chuck was processing what was happening.'

"Oh! Yeah!" He took out his phone, and handed it to me, I held on to it, and punched in my number, as he stopped me.

"Put in your first and last name," he said, nodding.

"What the hell is wrong with him? There's no way in hell that he knows another Blair," I thought to myself, as I typed in the i.

As Chuck left the room, I turned to face Regina.

"Do you think he likes me?"

"That awkward Indian boy? Definitely."

-

As I opened another text message, I couldn't help but smile.

"You like him," my roommate said, looking at me. "You're smiling at these texts and laughing like I've never seen you laugh before. You like him."

"No I don't," I said, looking at her.

Blair: What are the ideal characteristics of your perfect partner?
Chuck: Fun and easy to talk to, good sense of humor, smart and funny, pushes me out of my comfort zone

"That's you," she said, looking at my text. "You're that for him, and you obviously like him."

As soon as I said that, my phone beeped with a notification.

Johnny: Come over for a sleepover?

"You're going to go?" She looked at me, "What about Charlie?"

"Charlie isn't my boyfriend, and he probably doesn't like me, and I'm not going to fawn over his texts like a little girl," I commented, as I headed to my room to change into leggings and a crop top.

-

I laid in Johnny's bed, as he started to fall asleep. I reached over, and grabbed my phone, reading the text that Chuck had sent me, and couldn't help but smile, and laugh a little.

"What is it Blair?" Johnny asked, sleepily. I held my phone in my head, and kept typing a response to Chuck's message. I looked over at Johnny, who looked at me, confused. And all at once, this feeling came rushing to me, overwhelming me, and making me question what exactly I was doing.

"You're not this girl, you like Chuck, and you know it. You want something real."

I got up out of bed, and grabbed my clothes.

"What are you doing?!" Johnny yelled, as I pulled a sweater over my head.

"I'm going home, I don't want this." I started walking into the kitchen, as Johnny followed me, awkwardly, as I threw things into my bag, and closed it.

"Now? At four in the morning?"

"Yeah, I'm leaving."

-

After a few Calculus study sessions, a few visits at work, and a little bit of obvious flirting, it was time for Chuck and I to go on our first date. I wore a flowery blouse, a casual cardigan, skinny jeans and flats. Chuck had worn a sweatshirt and jeans, and we met up outside of the library. The two of us walked, and talked until we reached the restaurant.

One of the things you might have noticed about me, is that I'm a little stubborn. One of my favorite food places near campus is this indian food joint called Khwaja Chishti, it is connected to a book store, and a total dive. Willa and I have gotten food poisoning there numerous times, and still continued to eat there, because how much we love the food.

After a lot of hesitation, Chuck agreed to go there for lunch, where we ran into The Chinese Diaper, and actually ended up having a phenomenal date. We talked about so many things that I can't even begin to remember what we had talked about, so I'll fast forward to the part I remember-

"We're not going to find a park," I laughed, as we walked towards a bench next to the Engineering building (yes, the same bench that I've sat on and cried uncontrollably on).

"I climbed that tree once!" Chuck said, pointing to a tall oak tree a couple feet away from us. I looked at him, smiled, and just laughed. I wasn't going to lie and say that he wasn't really awkward, shy and nerdy, because he definitely was, but he was also charming, smart, sweet, and funny. I had a great time hanging out with him, and talking to him.

My heart beat faster, as we sat on the bench and continued talking, I had never been this excited or this nervous before, for a date. We sat on the bench, and talked for a while, before we headed off for class. As we reached my lecture hall, I turned to look at him.

"Okay, bye Blair," he said, turning and walking away.

I stood there, in shock.

"UM, WHY ISN'T HE TRYING TO KISS ME?" I thought to myself, as Chuck disappeared into a lecture hall. I didn't even get a hug? Was Chuck not into me? I was used to guys being over zealous and immediately making a move, and Chuck just walked off...he didn't even hug me!

-

"Blair, you know he's awkward, for god's sake you had to make the first move!"

That was what Willa told me, and that was what I kept in mind, as I headed to Chuck's building for our second date later that week. Chuck had suggested a Disney movie marathon, and so, that was the plan! It was sweet, in a way- he had picked probably the cutest, and most innocent date someone could have.

I sat there and waited in the lobby for a couple minutes, waiting for Chuck to show up. And then I waited some more. I didn't want to seem overzealous, but after fifteen minutes, I texted him.

Blair: Okay, it's been like fifteen minutes, I'm going home
Chuck: No, wait, I'm so sorry, I'll be right there

And in about five minutes, Chuck came running through the door, all sweaty and gross. I looked at him, in disbelief- what exactly was going on?

"I uh, didn't want to be late for our plans, so I- er, ran back from the other side of campus. I'm late. I'm sorry, I'm sweaty and late."

I got up from the chair, and looked at him, "It's okay," I said, as I started to laugh.

-

HOLY FUCK. 

We had been watching The Lion King, when his friend Bertram showed up out of no where, and decided to join along. So now, the three of us were sitting, and watching the Lion King.

"I love this movie!" Bertram said, grinning like a little kid, and clapping his hands. I looked over at Chuck, who was just as enthusiastic as Bertram was.

"I know, right?"

I sat there, silently and awkwardly, as I got up.

"Where are you going?" Chuck asked, as I looked over and gave him a look.

"I'm going to use the bathroom," I said, as I started to walk away. Was I absolutely crazy? Did Chuck not like me?

I paused for a moment and thought about  it.

I mean, he had paid for the lunch date we had, and he ran across campus because he didn't want to be late to see me. He and I had been very obviously flirting, and I had given him my number, for god's sake! It was obvious we were on a date, and I thought it was really clear that we weren't platonic friends. But then again, Chuck probably never went on a date before in his entire life, and he definitely hasn't touched a girl. I stood there, checking my hair in the bathroom mirror, and then put on another layer of matte liquid lipstick.

I walked out of the bathroom, pretending like I didn't have a care in the world, and headed back to the living room, where Chuck, Bertram, and now JD were sitting there, and waiting for me. JD was in my seat, as I awkwardly walked through, and then sat down in the lone, single armchair.

I knew that JD and Bertram, and also James thought that I was a slut. And I knew that it wouldn't be long before James showed up too, making this more substantially awkward than it was already. Long story short, my freshman year of college, I got drunk and made out with James- who had a girlfriend. Because he didn't know what to do, he and JD told everyone in our building that I was a total slut, and tried to do things with him, even though he had a girlfriend. Everyone in our building looked at me like I was Hester Prynne, and no one believed me when I said otherwise, they just believed James and JD. I knew that Chuck was friends with them going into this, but I thought that he was a sweet and genuine guy, and that nothing could go wrong from it.

And finally, after the four of us sat awkwardly, it was just Chuck and I.

"Come back and sit here," Chuck said, patting to the spot next to him. I sat down, where he still had not made a move! I moved a little bit closer, until we were arm to arm, and thigh to thigh.

"Make a fucking move," I thought to myself, peering over to him.

"Bertram was here for a while," I commented, not-so-casually.

"He was only here for like, two songs!" Chuck said, as he pulled up Aladdin.

"He was here from The Circle of Life to Can You Feel The Love Tonight." I said, giving him a look.

The two of us sat and watched Aladdin, we talked and laughed, and he even got me to sing with him, to A Whole New World, I couldn't explain it, but somehow, I just was happy. It was so easy to talk to Chuck, and to be myself around him, without even trying. It didn't matter that he wasn't the smoothest, or that he was awkward and didn't make any moves on me, none of it did- in that moment, all that mattered was that we were having an awesome time together. As we finished laughing from a shared joke, we sat there, as the movie played.

I don't remember how we got to this conversation, but, this is what happened next,

"Guys always have to make the first move, always." I said, as I looked at Chuck, expectantly. He stared back blankly. Was he really this inexperienced that he had never put his arm around a girl before?

"Always?"

"Not always, sometimes girls do too," I said, as I put my head on his shoulder. I've put my head on Chuck's shoulder probably ten million times, but I'll never forget the first time I did, because of the fact that he smelled absolutely terrible. He was sweaty, nervous, and smelled like a mixture of sweat, meat, and weed. But it was okay, even though he smelled like death, because I liked him. I looked up at him, and he awkwardly put his arm around me. We looked at each other for a moment, until a door slammed, and James appeared out of no where.

James looked at me, and then he looked at Chuck, and then he picked Chuck up, and carried him away. Chuck looked back at me, as James carried him off into the distance.

After finishing the movie, Chuck walked me downstairs, and we stood there.

"I'll see you later," Chuck said, awkwardly, as he fumbled with his keys in his hands.

"Yeah, next time," I responded, awkwardly, as I started to walk away. I looked back, and saw him, then turned.

"Wait, Chuck!"

I walked back, and gave him a hug good bye. As as I pulled away, I looked up at him, smiled, and walked away.

-

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM," Willa said, as I sat on my bed, eating a Hostess Ho-Ho and some Kettle-cooked Wasabi Ginger chips.

"What did you expect? It's James," I shrugged. Willa read the ridiculously long text that James had sent me, berating me, bitching at me, and telling me that Chuck didn't like me.

"He can't stop Chuck from dating you, he definitely likes you. Eeek, Chuck!" She said, laughing. "Awkward, adorable, nice Chuck."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah" I said, giving her a smirk. It was the day after our movie date, and I was still floating in my own alternate universe. And we hadn't even kissed yet.

"He's meeting you later to give you back your ID, so who knows?" Willa said.

-

"He shouldn't have said that, but uh, one thing he- uh, er said was true. I don't, um, like you like that," Chuck said, as we sat at Dunkin Donuts. He looked at me, half smiling, as I sat there, in silence.

"I'm sorry, Blair, I-"

"YOU DON'T LIKE ME?" I said, looking at him. Everyone at Dunkin Donuts turned and looked at me, as I curled my fingers into a fist. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I uh, don't know why you thought-"

OH HELL NO.

I looked at him, giving him a look. "OKAY FIRST OF ALL- you took me ON A DATE. YOU PAID. CHUCK, YOU PAID FOR ME."

"I uh, treat my friends all the time," Chuck stammered, cowering down a bit in his chair.

"I had told you before that, that it's a date if the guy pays! Would you pay for James?"

"Yeah, sure, um,"

"AND WE WERE TEXTING AND OBVIOUSLY FLIRTING," I said, glaring over at him. "DO YOU FLIRT WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS?"

"That wasn't flirting, I um, uh, we were talk-"

"AND YOU CUDDLED WITH ME LAST NIGHT, WE CUDDLED AND WATCHED A MOVIE, DO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DO THAT TOO?"

Chuck stared at me, blankly. "Blair, I-"

"AND YOU OBVIOUSLY THINK I'M HOT, CHUCK. YOU ACT LIKE YOU LIKE ME AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU DON'T?!?" I got up, and grabbed my bag, and gave him the meanest look I had ever given someone, in my entire life. Was he fucking shitting me?

"Blair, please, please sit. I really like hanging out with you, and being friends with you, can we please be friends? Please?" Chuck said, stopping me from storming off. I sat down, and then looked at him.

"Okay, we can be friends."

Chuck smiled. "Blair, I'm glad, I-"

"But you are NEVER getting a chance with me again, Chuck Cuevas, NEVER." I said, looking at him. "And if you think I'm going to be this nice to you again, I'm not."

-

Chuck and I had been kind-of friends, until it became overwhelmingly obvious that he clearly had feelings for me. He had done little things, that my friends had found absolutely adorable, and I had found positively annoying (but secretly adorable). He brought me a lamp to my apartment, when I didn't have one, he helped me unpack, Chuck and I would hang out almost every night, watching movies, and sitting arm-to-arm.

I had been stressed from finals, stressed about school, and I had been doubting myself a lot. And I really wanted a fucking cupcake. After joking about wanting a cupcake, Chuck and I planned to get a late night cupcake from the Sprinkles Cupcake ATM, I had gone earlier that day to get a blow out, because of the stress and everything that was going on, and as I sat on my bed, there was a knock on the door. I had on a chunky knit dark teal sweater from H&M, leggings, and brown riding boots. I threw on my red peacoat, and grabbed my bag to open the door. And there he was.

Grey GUESS leather jacket, dark wash jeans, perfect v-neck.

He looked at me, silently.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey."

I had never seen him outside of a basic cotton v-neck and his Asics before, Chuck dressed pretty simply and pretty basically- a typical nerdy guy combo. He had looked good.

The two of us left the building, and that was the beginning of one of the most unforgettable nights in my entire life. We walked around downtown, to the lake and all around. Laughing, talking, as if it was just the two of us in this sleepless city. As the city lights shone, we walked all around, talking all night, and honestly, falling in love. My heart had never beat faster, and I knew, that I had really, really liked Chuck.

But I wouldn't know that I was falling in love with Chuck, until later that night.

“Do you have any idea where we’re going?” I laughed, as I played with the white flower that I held in my hand. As we walked along the lake, I had picked off a white hortensia off a bush. They were my favorite flowers, and this one was immaculate.

“Not really, but we’ll figure it out!” Chuck said, giving me a mischievous smile. He led the way, as we wandered the city- lost, but still found. As he led me up the stairs, I finally reached the top, only to see the glittering sky shining right back at me. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life, I looked over at Chuck, only to see the moonlight shining on him, as he smiled right back at me.

“This way?” I said, pointing to the path in front of us. He nodded, as we walked.

“I love this spot, actually, I think it’s one of the coolest things ever- how the road divides into two paths, and one is above and one’s below. I’ve only been here once before.”

“The last time I was here was when I went with Perrie and Rhett to go to the theaters last year,” Chuck admitted, as we walked forward. Our hands brushed against each other, for a brief second, as Chuck turned to look at me.

We kept walking, and somehow, magically, what is now my favorite spot in the entire city appeared. It was a circular plaza, with four benches arranged around in a circle. There was a single, lone spot in the center, which was missing something. I walked over, and placed my flower right in the center. What was empty before, was now complete.

I looked back, to see Chuck smiling back at me. Walking over, I sat down, as the two of us looked up at the sky in front of us. The stars glistened brightly, as the city lights illuminated the stage for the sky. He pointed at the buildings in front of us, pointing out little details as we sat.

We sat, and we talked. We laughed, and smiled. And as we sat there, everything was perfect.

“I didn’t get my first kiss until college,” I admitted. Chuck stared back at me, blankly.

“It was with Haz, and it’s one of the few things I don’t regret that he did.”

“That surprised me, actually. I thought it would have been sooner. And you know that I haven’t been with anyone,” he said, looking at me. I knew Chuck Cuevas was a virgin before I had even spoken to him, it was glaringly obvious and very clear.

“A lot of guys think girls are sluts if they’re not virgins, and if they’ve been with guys before them,” I said, quietly. A lot of guys, as in Chuck's friends. After a terrible experience with James, he and JD had taken it upon themselves to tell everyone in our building freshman year, that I, Elizabeth Bui, was a slut. And I secretly worried that Chuck thought that too.

And in moment, as he was about to answer, Chuck looked at me, like no guy ever had, in my entire life. He didn’t look at me like I was some hot piece of ass, or just some other girl, he looked at me like I mattered, and like I was an actual person.

“Yeah, um, some guys are like that, but, uh, I don’t really care.” He said awkwardly, but very sweetly. Chuck looked at me, giving me a smile, and awkwardly brushing his hair. We looked at each other, and in that moment, I thought he was going to kiss me, as we sat underneath the stars, and the wind gently blew my hair to the side. It would have been the perfect moment.

But this is not only real life, but Blair's life, so he responded, “It’s like on the Cleveland show, where Cleveland tells his son it’s like drinking a coke after some guy’s put his dick in it, instead of having a new coke.”

I SHIT YOU NOT- HE SAID THAT TO ME.

IN THE MOST ROMANTIC MOMENT. IN THE MOST ROMANTIC PLACE CHUCK CUEVAS SAID THAT SHIT TO ME.

And honestly, I thought it was pretty cute. I started laughing, and he did too.

“But it’s not like that,” I responded. “Yeah, it’s not.”

And in that moment, as he looked at me, all awkward and nervous, that's when those sparks turned into a raging fire, and when I knew that I was falling in love with Chuck.

-

It was the night of James' birthday party, and even though Chuck and I had made plans to hang out that night, I told him it was fine if we didn't hang out that night. I went to bed, perfectly comfy, and went to bed.

At about two in the morning, I woke up to the sound of scratching on my door, and soft pounding.

"Who the fuck?" I thought to myself, as I grabbed some shorts and put them on, and brushed my hair to the right side, with my fingers. I picked up my phone, to see a bunch of texts waiting for me.

Chuck: Let's watch a movie do you want to watch a movie
Chuck: I'm coming to watch a movie
Chuck: Let's hang out
Chuck: I'm outside your door
Chuck: Open your door

Oh. My. God. In that moment, I didn't know whether to laugh uncontrollably, or what I was possibly supposed to do. Chuck kept knocking, so I walked over, and opened the door. As soon as that door opened, a rush of of vodka, beer, and whisky flooded my apartment. A very drunk Chuck stumbled in, wearing a crumpled version of the shirt he was wearing before, and some random pajama pants.

"Hey Chuck, why are you here?" I asked, stifling my laughter.

"Yooouuu, u, Blaaaair, you said lesss watch a mooovie," Chuck said, as he swayed from side to side.

"OKAY!" I grabbed his arm, stopping him from falling on my kitchen floor. I led him to my room, and sat him on my bed, where he nearly fell off.

Oh god.

"Okay, here is your bag, please do not throw up," I said, hanging him an empty plastic Target bag.

"Blair, I was like, 'I gotta go, I gotta go see Blair, I have plans with her, I have to go see her,' and they were like 'No,' and I was like 'I have to talk to her, I have to go see her, I have to,' and I came here," Chuck said, drunkenly, as I propped him up against a pillow.

"Does Bertram know where you are?"

"Yea yea yea, he knows where I am but I dunnnoooo where thesss pants came from" Chuck said, laughing. "I threw up alll over his apartment, like five times."

Ew.

"You probably fucked someone, and forgot about it," I said, sassily, as I scanned my phone for Bertram's number.

"NO!"

"How do you know?" I responded, laughing at him.

Chuck firmly placed a hand on my shoulder, and looked at me, and said, "Because you weren't there."

DID HE JUST SAY THAT? CHUCK CUEVAS WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

"Oh, really? Because I wasn't there?"

"You weren't....weren't there, so I didn't fuck arrryone," Chuck said, groggily. "I don't need this-"

And then suddenly, Chuck started projectile vomiting, as he sat on my bed. By luck, Chuck had projectile vomited into the Target bag that I gave him, as I sat there, in shock. "Oh my-" he kept vomiting, "God, Blair, I'm so-" kept vomiting, "Sorry," he threw up once more. "I'm so embarrassed," he mumbled, as he kept throwing up.

"It's okay," I said, as I ran to get him a cup of water. He sipped on it, as Grease played in the background. His phone kept vibrating, and I reached into his pocket and grabbed it. Bertram was calling, and I looked at Chuck.

"They're just text messasses, isss okay," Chuck said, reach for his phone. I swatted his hand away, and answered the phone.

"OH MY GOD CHUCK, WHERE ARE YOU?!" Bertram yelled.

I put my hand on the receiver, and turned to Chuck. "You didn't tell him you left?!" What the actual fuck was going on?

Chuck nodded, "I did, I left and I told him."

"Bertram? This is Blair. Calm down."

"Oh my god, we've been looking everywhere for him!" Bertram yelled, as he panted. "Are you with him?"

No, buddy, I just casually have your friend's phone, and I'm just casually chilling.

"So you didn't know where Chuck went." I said, turning to look at Chuck. "He's with me."

"THANK GOD, WE'VE BEEN ON EVERY FLOOR OF OUR BUILDING TWICE, I turned around and he was GONE."

Our building has sixteen floors. Bertram checked every single one of them, twice. I started laughing, thinking about poor Bertram waddling through every floor in search of Chuck. Considering that Chuck wouldn't shut up about going to see me at the party, I was surprised he didn't ask me if I knew where Chuck went.

"Well, he's here, and he-"

"IS HE FINE?"

What did he mean, is he fine? Did they think that I was going to kill him or something?

"YES, he's fine. Except he projectile vomited when he was sitting on my bed."

"Oh my god, did he make a mess? I'm so sorry Blair," Bertram said, "If he made a mess, I'll clean it. I just didn't want him coming to see you....in this state...so I was trying to stop him, but he kept talking about it."

"Bertram, that's really sweet. He didn't make a mess, he threw up in the bag, and he's perfectly fine, he's just sitting here drunk while Grease is playing."

"If it's fine, can I check up on him later?"

"Yeah, that's totally fine." I looked over to see a wobbling Chuck, and I pointed at the bag.

"Okay, Blair," Bertram said, hesitantly, "Please call me if you need anything." I hung up the phone, and turned to look at Chuck.

"YOU JUST LEFT? HE'S BEEN SEARCHING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU."

"NO, I TOLD HIM" Chuck said, arguing back, he picked up the vomit bag, and nearly threw it all over my bedroom.

"NO," I said, holding on to the bag, "No."

"I don't need this bag," Chuck grumbled, as he tried to throw it out. Literally, two seconds later, he opened the bag and started projectile vomiting- even MORE than he had before. I looked at him, in terror, as he nonstop vomited into this bag, and I scootched away, reaching for my phone.

"Uhh, Bertram?"

"Yeah, Blair?"

"Can you come get him now... he's projectile vomiting..and I just can't."

I looked over, hoping that Chuck wouldn't drop the plastic Target bag, that held the thin boundary between me and losing my sanity. He looked up at me, embarrassed, and bright red. "Blair, I'm so sorry."

-

The next day, I woke up, and walked into the lobby to grab mail, when I saw Chuck, Bertram, and JD walking into the building. The two of them had come to take Chuck back to his room, you know, because he had been projectile vomiting everywhere.

"Hey Chuck!" I said, as Chuck looked at me, and then ran away.

-

The two of us were sitting, and watching Bob's Burgers, as I turned to face Chuck.

"You know, you said a lot of things when you showed up here drunk," I admitted. Chuck turned to face me, and blushed.

"Like what?"

"I'm not going to tell you," I laughed, shaking my head.

"Blair, you can't just say that I told you something while I was drunk, and then not tell me!" Chuck protested, as I pulled my phone out of my bag.

"Well, I kind of just did," I responded, giving him a look. Chuck stared back at me, completely speechless.

"Why, do you think you said something?" I asked, giving him a look.

"Yeah, I think-"

This was it. This was happening. Chuck was going to finally admit that he liked me, after months of this whole charade.

"I think that I said that I like Natalie," Chuck said, awkwardly.

And I sat there, completely unresponsive, completely silent, in shock. What the actual fuck was going on?

A million thoughts ran through my head, and even though I didn't know what was going on, one thing I knew was for sure- I was going to kick Chuck Cuevas the fuck out of my apartment.

"Blair, look," Chuck laughed, pointing at the screen. He turned to face me, still laughing at what was happening on the show. He froze, and looked at me, with the same look that he always had.

"Blair, I... there's something else that I thought I said, to be honest," Chuck said, nervously, as I looked up from my phone.

"I thought that, maybe, possibly.."

I sat there, in anticipation, as Chuck fumbled with his words.

"That I said that I like you."

"You've liked me this whole time, haven't you?" I said, looking at him.

"Yeah, I don't really like Natalie, I just-"

"So you lied before?"

"Yeah, Blair, I just didn't know how to say it."

"You lied, and you liked me this whole time and thought I was hot."

He looked at me, and smiled. "Blair Bui, I like you, you're funny and pretty, and absolutely ridiculous, but I like you."

-

And that was how it all began, how this all began.

Cutie

Sunday, May 8, 2016

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
-Buddha 


-

After we talked, had dinner and hung out for a bit, naturally Chuck ended up kissing in his bed. He placed his hands at the small of my back, as he leaned in for another kiss. As we kissed, his hands ran down my back, and my hands stroked the back of his head, as the vintage video game music played in the background. I've said again and again that I'm absolutely horrendous about writing about the risqué, so for my sake, and everyone reading, I'll leave the weird descriptive making out details.

"You totally have a boner right now," I whispered, as we pulled apart for a second. Chuck looked at me, and leaned in for another kiss, pulling my hips towards him.

"Yeah, I'm kissing a pretty girl in my bed," Chuck said, in-between kissing, "Plus you keep up grinding all up against me."

"No, you're definitely doing that," I laughed, as Chuck kissed me. 

"Definitely you, Blair," Chuck said, as we kept kissing, and I pulled him in closer.

"I'm wearing your favorite crop top."

"I know, that's why I placed my hands in the small of your back." I pulled the blanket over us. "Why do you like this?" Chuck said, as we kept kissing.

"It's cute."

"What, us suffocating and dying?" Chuck asked, as I started to laugh. He was so adorably awkward and funny, that I couldn't help it. 

"Or are you trying to not see anything," he said, giving me a look.

"Chuck, you know I think you're a hottie. And I dunno, it's just cute"

"Us suffocating?"

"Shush!" I gave him a little push on the chest, and he leaned in for a kiss.

"I'll close the blinds," he said, laughing. And I don't know why, but until that moment I didn't even notice that the window was directly in front of his bed, and that everyone on the other side saw everything that we had been doing for the past thirty minutes.

"Oh my god, can they see us?!?" I pulled a blanket over me, although I was completely clothed. 

"Yeah, probably," Chuck said closing the blinds. He looked over at me, and then went over to grab a cutie, as my jaw dropped.

"Oh my god, Chuck."

"What?" Chuck looked at me, blankly. He kept peeling his clementine, as I looked at him in shock. "Chuck you are always ruining the moment, you were literally just making out with me in your bed, and now you're peeling a fucking orange?!?!" I was LITERALLY in his bed, kissing him and grinding all up against him in his favorite crop top, a minute before this happened. Chuck was clueless sometimes, and although most girls would have gotten up and brushed him off, I honestly thought it was kind of cute. God, what was wrong with me?

"I wanted a cutie! Here," he handed me a piece, as I started to munch on it. He smiled, and leaned in for a kiss.

"No, go find your cutie," I said, shaking my head. He moved closer, shut the lights off, and leaned in and kissed me.

"Found it," he whispered.

-

Chuck and I were having sex (not fucking), and as he looked at me, I felt like I had found what I was looking for, this whole time. Movements by Pham played in the background, as Chuck's movements went perfectly in sync to the beat.

"I like you a lot, Chuck, you're sweet and funny, you're smart and caring, intelligent and adorably awkward."

"Blair, you're smart and clever, you're amazing and beautiful, funny and always fun to be around, I love hanging out with you. And you're so cute- I mean, sometimes you try a little hard, but you're still cute," he said, smiling. He looked at me, the same way he always does, just like that first night we got cupcakes. It wasn't like other guys did, but it was in the way only Chuck did.

"Chuck, I... I love you a little," I whispered, as he smiled like no other, and leaned in and kissed me. Neither of us had whipped out the L word since we had been sneaking around and having our affair, but even though this was amazing- I couldn't say that I fully loved him.

I couldn't just say "I love you," and I knew he couldn't either, at least right now. And amazingly fun and great as this all has been, was this truly what I wanted to risk myself for? Could I put my heart in Chuck's hands again? What if he broke me again, or smashed my heart into thousands of pieces again? Would I be able to be okay again? And did I really go through everything that I did this whole year, to be with Chuck again? These questions didn't hit me, until I got home, and genuinely thought about it. Do I love Chuck? Am I willing to risk everything for him?

Hi, Brat

Thursday, May 5, 2016

“We must never forget our teachers, our lecturers and our mentors. In their individual capacities have contributed to our academic, professional and personal development.” 
-Lailah Gifty


-

I work at a hospitality house part-time, and of the things I love about it is all the great people that I get to meet. There's definitely been some crazy stories, and some tricky people- but all in all, I love it. One of these crazy people, who is also the greatest person I have met working here, is this strong, tough, bad-ass, sassy AF grandma, named Anna. We email- and here are some of them.

-

Hello Anna,
Just wanted to send an email to check up on you, and see how you've been doing! How is the granddaughter, and your PIL, Bruce?

I've been talking to Chuck again recently, things have been great, but I've been treading carefully (can't be too easy to get right? :) ). He's interning at the University of Illinois Hospital this summer, so he will be around... and you can meet and interrogate/grill/question him as needed. How could I date someone without letting my bestie meet him? Hahaha.

On to more important things besides boys, hahaha. My business is running decently- I'm at the point where I'm trying to pull in clients and gain momentum. Although I only have a few (I have a funny story about one of them that I'll tell you in a bit!), I'm motivated, determined, and driven- and that's what this whole thing has been running on! Even though I'm not rolling in dough, it's okay, the few people that I make a difference with make it worth it. It brings me a certain kind of happiness knowing that I can help people, especially through something as tough as the dissolution of a long-term relationship or infidelity.

Funny/terrible story about one of my clients: My very first client was this boy, named Kevin who was an absolute disaster, he literally locked himself in his room and cried and starved for days before he obviously and awkwardly made it clear that he needed help on social media. I offered him my services, I talked to him, and helped him get through all of this, and out of the pit he had fallen in. It made me really happy to see that I was able to help someone (which is why I started the company), and it made me overjoyed when he told me that he felt genuinely excited for what the future held for him, for the first time in forever, because of the help I gave him. I told him everything that I wished someone had told me- and it had made a significant difference. That's what inspired me to do all of this, I thought that if I helped him, even if I didn't gain anything monetary from it...I could help other people. So, I hired (aka they work for free because they are my friends) a business consultant and a legal consultant (can't get sued!), and I started it.

After a couple sessions of counseling, Kevin started getting weird. As in, he tried to spit game with me, and thought that I would sleep with him. Ew. I turned him down, and told him that he couldn't be one of our clients anymore, and then the next day, he announced that he was starting his own relationship consultation firm....with advice that he claimed he accumulated from "years of experience." BS, he used the advice he stole from me! What an asshole.

But you can't let people stop you from succeeding or getting what you want, ESPECIALLY MEN. And if anyone's taught me that, it's you. So, I keep on running my business like nothing's wrong- I even ordered business cards! If you want some, please tell me and I'll mail them to you :)

I miss you, and Cora misses you! I even think our boss does too. Come back soon. The office is so empty without your warm, passionate, and sassy heart.

XX Blair


PS- I am going to think of a sassy nickname for you.

-

Hi Brat:  It was so good hearing from you and I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you.  I've been busy.  Yesterday I went to a bridal shower and brought 2 giveaway gifts and the potato salad.  I make dynamite potato salad.  It started at 11am and I had to get up at 7am to get there.  I'm not used to getting up so early and my body was very angry at me and kept me in the bathroom for a good hour.  I decided not to eat anything.  I gave her a $50.00 money tree.  it was very cute.  The wedding is June 4th and Fiona's invited. She said she may go.  I personally don't quite understand how, but it's up to her.  Hmmmm----I wonder how she's going to pay for the airline tickets!  it's amazing that she's feeling ber than I thought.  She's not complaining as much as I expected.  She knows how much i worry and want to make everything better and it drives her crazy!

While I was there, I just want you to know that if it wasn't for you and Cora, I  wouldn't have made it.  I was soooo depressed and couldn't wait to get away from her.  I'm better off with her being at a distance.  She said I could come there in July and August.  Hmmmm.....That's way too long and it sounds like she's giving me permission.  I told her that when she needs me, I'll be there, so I'm better off not going there and have her berate me.  It took me a good nth to get back to normal mentally after i left there.  WOW, that was a trip from hell!

I'm glad to hear that your business is taking off.  I know you're good at what you do and in time you'll have a huge practice.  There's no doubt. 

As for trusting men, don't let me create negative thoughts in your head.  Not all men are users.  Bruce is a swetie and cares a lot about me.  he's constantly worried because of what i went throuogh.  You're still young and your "Mr. Wonderful" will come along.  Just go out, use the men for a free meal (without having sex with each and everyone of them) and enjoy yourself.  A good meal is worth small talk.  Bring your gucci purse and if he's got any class, he'll know you don't just settle and he'll have to step up.  He's got to know your fussy and he's got to meet your standards.  He's ouot there.

Got to go get dressed as Stein Mart is having a sale on bathing suits and I can't go undressed.

Love you and Cora

Anna-Queen Ma-Ma!

-

Hi Brat:  It sounds like you're a busy girl.  You keep mentioning Chuck but youo didn't tell me how you met him and how you feel about him.  Hmmmm-do you feel tingles?  Fiona already has 3 chairs.  What kind of arm chair did she get and which one was replaced.  I don't think she misses me.  if she did, she'd ask to to come up and she hasn't.  She's a phoney so you don't really know if she's happy just because she LOOKS like it.  What is Culinary Care?  Is it a free care service that provides Free meals to cancer patients?

Potato salad consists of naturally potatoes, hard boiled eggs, relish, pickles and pickle juice, celery (optional) and mayo.  of course Salt and pepper.  that's about it. 

I'm getting a lot of rest but am not ready to go back to chicago.  It's in the 90's here and in the 40's there.  Would youo want to go back?  In addition, (Fiona doesn't know) David and his daughter (17 months) are coming on Saturday for a week and I can't wait to eat her up.  She's so adorable.  It's really a shame because Fiona has never seen her because she hates her brother.  Fiona doesn't forgive or forget.  What a shame!  Don't tell her aboout David.  She doesn't even acknowledge he's her brother.  Breaks my heart, but she's stubborn!  You'd think that having cancer wouldhave her resolve her issues, but not my daughter.  She's very much like her father.  2 faces!!!

My mother had a hysterectomy and I had 2 kids and adopted one.  One shot and I was good for 9 months.  Fiona had her eggs frozen and her insurance paid for it.  Check with your insurance to see if they cover it.  Just in case.

Let's go back to Chuck!  He takes good care of you and is attentive.  You wouldn't even look at him if he wasn't good looking so that problem is solved.  If you feel tingles, he may be the right one.  I like the fact that he's good to you and treats you well.  How old is he?  Is he Vietnamese?  Does he cook?  Does he want children?  You hve to be friends before you become lovers so go slow.  Good luck with your studies.  knowing you, you'll do well.  What year are you in?


Love you!  Anna

-

Hi Anna- it's great to hear from you!

Chuck and I dated for about a year and a half, but then we both got busy (school, work, life) so we decided to take a break- we both had to grow in a lot of ways. I used to be really bratty and kind of (really really) bitchy, impatient, etc, and he used to be kind of a pushover. But it didn't matter- because he's always been one of my best friends, he always looks out for me and makes sure that I'm safe and alright (you should have heard him worry when I walked home from the library last night at 2 am!) I think that the little break was a good thing, we've both grown and matured a lot- and get along even better than we did before (and I didn't think that was possible!) I always feel tingles with him, and I think that's part of the reason why I felt like I was missing something with everyone else! Cora thinks he's great, Susan does too, and obviously I do too. I love talking to him, and hanging out with him, and even though I consider myself highly independent, it's nice to have someone to look out for me, and take care of me....even when I'm being a stubborn bitch.

He is my age- his birthday is literally the day before mine. He is Hispanic, a Bio-Engineer, and he wants to go into prosthetics. He is very intelligent, and extremely, extremely intelligent. That's how we met, actually. He tutored me in Calculus when I took in in... 2014? The funny thing is, I said that I was never date him, when I first met him, because he was "awkward and skinny," but I found myself falling for him because he looks at me like no other guy does, and treats and talks to me like I'm the greatest thing ever. Cora says the way he looks out for me is very sweet, and that with a strong personality like I have, I need him to balance me out. She also told me when she first met him, she didn't expect him to look like he does, because he's different from my type. Actually, a lot of people say that, but it's okay- because he's great! (I'll attach photos)

Culinary Care offers free meals to cancer patients, they even delivered it here for Andrea! Jan says their food is really good, and they work with restaurants and other places to provide the food. (http://culinarycare.org/)

There's this potato salad from this sandwich shop by my school that is PHENOMENAL. Best I've had in my life- when you come, I will bring you some. It's amazing. It's cold now, but summer is coming- it'll be REALLY nice outside!

My mother got her hysterectomy because of her uterine fibroids- she has non-malignant tumors, and they were affecting her hormonally in different ways, so she had to get the surgery to remove them. I have to get a hysterectomy eventually, because the doctors say I'm at high-risk to have the same tumors she did. Cervical cancer runs in my family as well. I'll check with my insurance! Chuck is coming with me when I get tested in June or July.

He wants kids. I cried when I first found out that there was a chance I couldn't have kids, and he told me that it was okay and that we'd figure it out. He said that he knows I really want children, and that ultimately, it's my choice, and he would support whatever means I want to have kids. We both would want a boy and a girl. I like the names Penelope, Blake, and Charlotte. Chuck hates all those names, hahahaha.

He is a terrible cook, but I am a phenomenal one. He knows that too, so he does dishes, sets the table, takes out the trash, etc.

I'm glad your son is coming- it's a shame he and Fiona don't get along. My brother and I are very close- I think he is dating this new boy, but he won't tell me. He says he has news to tell Chuck though (and Chuck will tell me hahaha).

I just finished my third year!

They're opening a Saved By The Bell themed restaurant in Chicago (PRICEY- it's $35 per person!!!), and they were hiring people to work there- basically it's like a "show," so they wanted pictures with my resume when I applied. They said they liked what they saw on my resume, and they want me to come in for an interview. Chuck says that although I have an extensive resume, and am highly qualified, a big part of why they want me is probably because they liked the pictures I sent in. I think he's correct, because they wouldn't give interviews to a LOT of people. And the restaurant is supposed to be like a "show," and they said they want to hire people that have the "look." I am flattered on one end, but also offended on how unfair it is that they are turning down candidates... I have an interview this week.

I hope you're resting, and that you're doing well!!! Love you too.

-Brat

The Massacre of Spring 2016

Saturday, April 30, 2016

I don't like boys. They're kind of annoying. 
-Michelle Wie


-

"It's a text from Johnny," I said, surprised. The last time I had seen him was when I was taking Cora's dog, Jughead for a walk. Johnny had tried to make conversation, and although I was polite, I clearly had no intention of ever talking to him again. The last time I spoke to Johnny, it was just him yelling at me, asking me why I wouldn't have sex with him and why I wasn't attracted to him. For Fuck's sake, why are men guys boys constantly asking me why I won't (insert action here) them?

...I won't get into this, or else I'll end up posting the exact same rant that I blogged about when I stopped talking to Johnson.

When Chuck and I broke up, I didn't feel anything- I was so desperate to feel something, and to fill a void in my life, that I LITERALLY tried to fill a void. As in I kind of, sort of, aka I did, sleep with quite a few guys. Some of them were rebounds, some of them I genuinely thought could be something... but all in all, it was a terrible idea. I ended up filling that void, and feeling something- by focusing on myself, my strengths, and working on things that made me passionate. I was happy from my friends and loved ones, and I never looked back at the indiscretions that I had made.

Johnny: What is your blog address?

"He's trying to fuck you," Chuck said, looking at me. Although I like Chuck, there are still some moments when I just want to laugh and say, "Well, yeah."

"Well, yeah, Chuck." I said, laughing. "But he's leaving soon."

"He's trying to get a good bye smash." Chuck commented, nodding.

"No way in fuck."

Chuck knows about my blog, obviously, but I'm definitely not at the point where I want him to read the things that I've written- even if we were both in a different place when I wrote them!

An excerpt from, Chuck Cuevas Stinks:

"And then I thought about it, he definitely stank when we dated, I just never smelled it. But he didn't physically stink (well... At least I don't think he did, he may have), but he stank metaphorically, he just had this glaring problem with him that I ignored because I was in love with (or at least I thought I was)."

I know, I'm so coy. But anyways, back to the story at hand.

There was no way that I was going to respond to Johnny, and part of me wanted to be the crusader for girls who are constantly harassed and annoyed by guys that think they're entitled to bang them, but I kept my mouth shut.

-

Shay: You tryin to get some or what

I looked at my phone, nearly dropping in it shock.

"FUCK, here we go again." I thought to myself, shaking my head. Why was this shit constantly happening?

Blair: What do you mean
Shay: You know what I mean
Blair: WTF SHAY

I screenshotted the message, and sent it to Shane and Kayresia.

Shane: Lol thirsty AF
Kayresia: Lol smh

SHAKING MY DAMN HEAD INDEED, SHAY. I thought that the two of us were purely platonic friends- after all, he did help me start my business! I had recently discovered that my guy friends were dropping like flies, namely after

  1. Trying to bang me, and then getting rejected, then getting mad
  2. Trying to date me, and then getting rejected, then getting mad
  3. Constantly asking me why I won't date/fuck/WHATEVER with them
  4. Constantly trying to tap me and then getting entitled when I tell them to go fly a fucking kite
Among other things.

And I know it sounds so typical female, but I genuinely did want to be friends with them! I just wanted to live in a world where I could hang out with them, drink beer, shoot some nonsense, and then watch terrible TV- like I did with Shane! He and Matthew were the only ones left standing after the Massacre of Spring 2016, as Zayn, Johnny, Johnson, Carter, Kevin, and Shay were voted off the island. It was tiring- having them annoy me, and then eventually, get mad and blame me for being at fault. Because apparently, it is wrong for a woman to refuse a man nowadays, APPARENTLY if guys put in effort with a woman, they are entitled to them.

Shay: I don't want it lo
Blair: No, I'm dating someone. Ew, no. You're gross, bye.

I mean, I wasn't dating anyone- the only thing I was committed to was Grey's Anatomy on Netflix- and I didn't really care, or want to waste energy on trying to define what was going on with Chuck and I. We aren't involved with each other...or anyone else really. But Shay didn't have to know that, it was none of his business, or really...anyone else's either.

It wasn't that I was ashamed of Chuck- I'm really not. As a matter of fact, I think a lot of people would be overjoyed. For god's sake, my brother Julius probably loves Chuck more than he loves me! It's just with things being so up in the air, there was really no point in saying anything about it, not to mention that when you start telling people things, that's when things get real. And I'm not ready for that, for other people to know or get involved, and for it to be a thing. 

OKAY, and maybe because it's kind of fun sneaking around. I couldn't deny that it was kind of exciting to have people ask where I'm going and where I'm at, and to sneak back into my apartment building early in the morning, or to pretend like I'm staying, when I'm throwing on a crop top and skinny jeans to go see Chuck. It's fun, and I know that eventually people are going to find out, and that this whole sneaking around nonsense will stop, but for right now, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't enjoying it.

Which is also why Johnny Belcher can stay the hell off my blog.

Shay: Who is that

And also why Shay can stop texting me.

Smiling at Me

Friday, April 29, 2016

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. 
-Mother Teresa


-

Blair: I'm not doing this
Chuck: Doing what

I had peeked at the message again, looking at it. It was natural for me to be a little bit mad, it wasn't crazy for me to be mad. But I knew that he had been locked inside his room coding for days, and I knew that if he could have come to get me off that bench, he would have. And so, I let it go. Relationships are a two way street, and I couldn't keep not talking to him whenever I got upset about something. Not that we're in a relationship or anything, because we definitely one hundred percent are not. 

I would be stupid to say that Chuck and I were purely platonic friends, because well, we obviously were not. But at the same time, we weren't sex pals either- we were... we're...I don't want to do this, I'm going to keep saying that we're friends. We are pals. Kind of.

After playing chess on my phone with Chuck for the whole afternoon, I ended up going over to his place to work on homework. We both worked on homework, until he confessed that he had four papers due at midnight, and three of them were only one page responses. Chuck had always believed in his ability, an immense amount, but even I knew that a one page response that would take me twenty minutes (or even less!) would take Chuck HOURS. Chuck didn't have a way with words- not one bit, and he was honestly kind of a horrendous writer. The boy could build flow hoods and engineer the shit out of anything, but he couldn't put his thoughts into words.

"Do you need my help?" I asked, looking at him.

"No, it's okay," he said, looking away awkwardly. He definitely needed my help, without a doubt he had needed my help, very much so.

"Chuck, if you need help, just ask for it, I can easily write a one page response in like, twenty minutes. I blog like, every day!" I looked at him, knowingly, "Just ask for help, you know I'm always willing to help."

"Okay, Blair, maybe one response, but I really owe you," he said.

-

As I typed up the second one, my fingers clacked on the second one, as I sang out loud, "doo, doo, dooo, clik, clik, clak, clak, tap, tap," slightly bobbing my head to the beat of the keys on my keyboard.

I froze in place, and turned to see Chuck looking at me. "You're cute, you know that, right, Blair Bui?"

"I do know that," I said, laughing. I blushed a bit, and then regained my composure, "And I also know that I completely saved your ass, and that you fucking owe me," I added, sassily. I continued typing, as I looked over slightly at Chuck, out of the corner of my peripheral vision.

"You did save my ass, and you're amazing and great," he said, smiling at me. Even something as mundane as typing papers was fun with Chuck, as the two of us sat arm to arm, sneaking in kisses, and talking as we both worked on something.

"I'm sorry," he said, awkwardly. He looked at me, as I stopped mid-sentence in a piece about Sweet and Lowdown. 

"That I'm typing this paper or what?" I said, looking at him.

"Everything, and especially the papers."

"You know, you could've asked me for help. I know you wanted to," I responded, as Chuck submitted the lab report he was working on. "We both know that writing comes very easily for me, and it's tricky for you. I would've come and helped you."

"I know, Blair, I just... I don't like asking for help, from anyone."

"You know I'm there for you, always," I said. It was the truth. As Chuck pulled me in closer, into his arms, he looked at me, leaning in for a kiss. "You're great."

"And, Blair, you know that if I could've showed up at that bench, I would have, and if I could have come last night when you were sick, I would have."

"I know," I said, nodding.

"But now that finals are ending, we'll both be around for summer, and Fall semester isn't that crazy," Chuck said, smiling. "And I definitely owe you," he said, as I leaned in for a kiss.

"We'll talk when you're in Mexico?"

"Of course."

-

"I thought that Grey Garcia's girlfriend would be hotter," I said, laughing, as we looked at the Snapchat story. "It's not that she's not pretty, it's just, he's Grey Garcia."

I turned to look at Chuck. "Don't worry, Chuck, someday you'll have a really hot girlfriend."

"Really, Blair? Maybe one that'll think I'm hotter than Grey Garcia," he said, smiling smugly at me, as I looked away for a brief second. I forgot that there was that mix-up last year regarding Grey Garcia (more on that later)

"You know, if I keep hanging out with you, my friends are going to be suspicious." I grabbed the fuzzy blanket, and brought it closer to my body.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, they're going to be definitely concerned because I haven't gone on a date with anyone in like, two months."

Chuck stopped in his tracks, and turned to face me. "You haven't?"

"Not really, not one where I liked anyone. And I don't foresee myself dating anyone else in the future," the words had slipped out of my mouth quickly and smoothly, as I laid, there, shocked that I had said that out loud. Chuck's mouth formed a mischievous grin, as he tried to hide the fact that he was smiling.

"CHUCK CUEVAS," I said, tapping him on the shoulder, "You like this. You like that I'm not going to date anyone else." I laughed, as he tried to hide his smile even further.

"I don't know what you're talking about Blair," he said, trying to make a serious face, as we both started laughing.

"Chuck Cuevas, you don't want me dating anyone else, and you're happy that I'm not going to." I laughed, as I placed my head on his shoulder. And even though he turned away for a brief second, I knew he was smiling, and I knew that he was happy about the information that had slipped out.

-

Chuck was relentless about me not getting cheese after my bout of Chipotle-induced food poisoning, but he caved and eventually agreed, saying that he was going to keep a full watch on me afterwards. As we walked back, we talked, and it honestly felt so nice to just spend time with him, to catch up on everything that had been going on. Time flew, as we talked all night, watched our usual shows, and just enjoyed each other's company. Before we knew it, it was four in the morning, and time for bed.

"I like you a lot, Chuck Cuevas," I whispered, as we laid in his bed, nose to nose.

"I like you a lot too, Blair Bui, you're amazing," he leaned in for a kiss, and wrapped his arm around me.

"We can talk, of course, but it's late, and you have to get to work," Chuck whispered. He was always taking care of me, and being responsible when I wanted to be a little bit reckless.

"If that's fine," Chuck added, fearing the wrath of Blair. It was cute, and I liked that he was always looking out for me- but I loved that he never forgot how fiercely independent and headstrong I was.

"You're right," I admitted, "If you need to lay on your back, I understand too. I know you don't sleep well."

"It's okay, we can cuddle if you want," Chuck said, turning to look at me.

"If you want," I said, trying to be as nonchalant and breezy as possible. I didn't want to be too easy to get.

"I do," Chuck responded, smiling at me. We kissed good night, as I turned so we could spoon, and Chuck wrapped his arms around me. I slept well, and woke up, to a sleeping Chuck, his arms still wrapped around my waist.

He got up, as kissed me goodbye, as I got ready for work. "Is there anything else you want to say to me, Chuck Cuevas?" I asked, as I looked at him.

"No, I don't think so," he said. Chuck stood there, in his soccer shorts, as I grabbed my bag. I headed towards the door, as my train of thought was interrupted.

"I like you, Blair."

I turned, and walked over, kissing Chuck one more time before I left for work. "I like you too. I'll talk to you later."

As I awkwardly tried to hide the fact that I was smiling like a little loser, I knew that Chuck was doing the exact same thing behind me.

27

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Either you run the day or the day runs you. 
-Jim Rohn


-

Last week, Chuck's place


"Do you know what next week is?" I asked, looking at him. He shook his head, obviously confused.

"It's the 27th," I said, quietly.

October 27, 2014


Willa: You are so, so close to having a boyfriend- so close. 
Blair: Isn't he basically my boyfriend now, I mean... he told his friends about me! And he confessed his feelings yesterday **after he blew chunks in my apartment Friday night!

**a story for another time

Willa: Not yet, Blair. But you're so close.

Chuck Cuevas liked me, ME, ELIZABETH BUI. For whatever reason, he thought that I was the most bombtastic woman, in the entire fucking world. It was an exciting feeling, after months of Chuck and I being "just friends" to be able to walk around knowing that he liked me. I wanted to run around, singing and dancing like a total loser baby, because right now, life was good, because Chuck liked me.

I headed over to go see Chuck, and meet Taha, his supposed best friend. I threw on some makeup (I couldn't have his best friend commenting on how his almost-girlfriend's face looked beat), and headed over, short shorts and crop top, and all.

"Dude, you literally didn't do anything and somehow you ended up with Wonder Woman," Taha said, as he scanned me quickly. "How did you do this?"

Chuck shrugged. Now that I thought about it, how did Chuck get me? It didn't even matter, really, because even though he was unlike every other guy I had ever been remotely attracted to, it didn't matter. Because Chuck was smart, funny, sweet and kind, and nerdy and adorable. And quite honestly, if anyone was to be my boyfriend eventually, I'm glad that it was him.

After hanging out with Taha for a bit, we headed back to my apartment, and watched Bob's Burgers, until noticing that the time was really late.

"It's getting really late," Chuck said, awkwardly, looking at me. I looked up at him and smiled, as we laid together, cuddling and watching the show. It had been a good week since Chuck and I had simmered in our mutual attraction, but he still hadn't kissed me, or anything. I knew he thought that I was attractive, and he obviously liked me- but maybe he was just shy, or tremendously awkward. But that was perfectly okay, because he was worth the wait.

"If you want, you can stay over," I said, as I turned to face him. Chuck looked at me, as if he had been blindsided.

"I uh...erm, Ber- er, Bertram would get mad at me. Yeah, Bertram would get mad at me," Chuck said, stammering awkwardly. His face turned beet red, and he looked away awkwardly.

"Bertram would get mad at you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he would."

"Okay, it's fine, you don't have to," I said, laughing. It was cute, it really was, how nervous and awkward he was. I placed my head on his chest, and we continued to watch Bob's Burgers. A couple of episodes later, the same thing was said.

"It's getting really late," Chuck said, awkwardly, looking at me.

"If you want, you can stay over," I said, once again, "But only if you want."

"Okay," he said, as we headed towards the pillows. Chuck turned off the light, and crawled up next to me, wrapping his arms around me. And as he closed his eyes, and said good night, I looked at him, as he innocently slept. I had never slept with a boy in the same bed, in my entire life without them trying anything weird, and for once, a boy had stayed over, and he had stayed over because of me. Not because he wanted to fuck me, but because he wanted to be with me. We slept comfortably, until I woke up, quite early in the morning.

"What's up?" He whispered, looking at me. I had never really looked at Chuck without his glasses, but he looked nice, he really did.

"Why haven't you done anything yet?" I asked, looking at him. "Like kissed me or anything?" I don't know why I asked him that, to this day, but I did, and the words came pouring out of my mouth, as if I was saying something casual.

"Because, I- uh, well, I-er, I haven't done anything yet," he said, looking at me. He was embarrassed, and he looked awkwardly, where his feet should have been. "Like made out or anything."

I smiled. "It's okay, we'll practice."

"Really?" Chuck said, leaning in torwards me. My heart beat faster with each millimeter that he moved towards me, in anticipation and excitement. We were nose to nose, chest to chest.

"Really." I said, as he leaned in for a kiss. There are some moments that take your breath away, when time and the universe surrounding you stop for a brief moment, when the stars align and everything in the world is still, for that moment. Moments that you will always remember, clearer than day, as if they just happened. Unforgettable, real moments. This was one of them.

We pulled apart, and he looked at me, smiling.

"This means you're my boyfriend now, right?"

"Yeah, Blair, it does," he whispered, before leaning in to kiss me again.

April 27, 2015


I sat on Chuck's bed, before he came in to the room. It had been six months, six spectacular months and I couldn't believe it. He was outside tutoring one of his friends, and even though it was our anniversary. Of course it bothered me, I had wanted to spend time with him and everything, but none of his friends really seemed to understand that concept. They'd take him out and never bring him back, snatch him away when it was just supposed to be the two of us, and to fully honest, I didn't even think they respected me. I sat on his bed, eating my half of our anniversary dinner, and watching Netflix.

"I'm sorry about that," Chuck said, as he walked in.

"It's fine," I said, as I cut off another piece of chicken enchilada.

"So I was studying with Reagan the other day, and she asks me, 'Do you love Blair?' And I looked at her, and I said, 'Of course?'"

I looked at Chuck, "Really?"

"And then she asked me all the things I love about you, and I told her, and then she asked me, 'Do you think Blair is the one?'"

I stopped eating, and then looked at him.

"So then I said, 'Yeah, I do.' And Reagan asks me, 'Can you see yourself marrying her?' And so I told her, 'I definitely can.'"

October 27, 2015


"So we're not going to-"

"Blair, it's late, and we have to be up early tomorrow for the half marathon," Chuck said, as he had taken off his button down. It's not like our one year anniversary wasn't great, it was sweet, and the gesture was nice, it just wasn't what I thought it would be.

"We'll have sex tomorrow," he said, looking at the expression on my face. There's a clear and distinct difference between fucking and making love (or having sex), it's one of those things that you don't understand until it happened.

And maybe I shouldn't have expected anything, because the anniversary of my dreams, was most definitely wasn't the anniversary of my reality. Chuck and I were supposed to have the greatest date together, and the greatest night spent together, but as I watched him climb into bed, I realized that wasn't the case.


February 27, 2016


After waiting the entire night for him, I looked at the message on my phone.

Chuck: Something came up, another time.

And as I looked at my phone, only one thought remained in my head. It was screaming at me, as I sat there, incapable of functioning in that moment. As Casey, Kayresia, and Matthew sat at the table, I got up and excused myself.

There was one of two things that I could do in that moment, I could say okay, and see him again. Or, I could just forget about him and walk away. I could take a deep breath, compose myself, and walk away. I could walk away, from disappointment, from heartbreak, and from feeling like this ever again. He couldn't even be there, when I needed him to be.

This wasn't the movies, this was real life, and he wasn't going to show up late at night and say that he was wrong, and we weren't going to fall in love with each other all over again. I had to take a deep breath, and simply just leave.

April 27, 2016


Blair Bui, 12:15 am:  Okay, I apologize. I'm just stressed and emotional and tired and hungry, okay. For whatever reason the universe is throwing every feeling that I refused to feel over the past six months at me and I just want to sit on that bench and cry. I'm going to be honest and say that I probably will sit on that bench and cry after I finish studying for this exam tomorrow. I don't know why I keep telling you things that you can live without knowing and I won't shut the fuck up, because I know it's annoying and I know it's weird but I just can't stop, maybe it's because I don't need other people knowing things about me, or maybe it's because I missed you, IDK. But I will try to be quiet and I will try to compose myself because you need to be tutoring children and Ryan and building engineer things and coding, I apologize So I am going to study for this exam now, and then cry on that bench, and then walk home, and sleep. And I will shut up and I will stop talking and it'll be fine.

And as I sat there, in the library, about to start uncontrollably sobbing, I took a couple minutes to reflect on everything that had happened over the past couple months. The sexual assault, the fact that people have taken up a hobby in telling me how inconsiderate and terrible I am, my mother being sick, all of it. Every single damn thing that happened over the past six months that should have made me feel something, that I dismissed and just acted indifferent about, it all hit me, and I just wanted to talk to that bench, and cry. Which is what I did.

I sat on that bench, and cried. I cried as engineering students walked past nonchalantly, as if a random girl sobbing uncontrollably was just a normal occurrence. I cried, and I sobbed, until I caved and called Chuck.

He was worried, and of course he asked if I was okay, but he said he was studying, and no, there was no magic. He just talked for me for a bit, told me to get up from that bench and to call and Uber home, and that was it. He did not dramatically rush over to my bench, nor was he already there waiting for me when I said I was going to walk home. None of that happened, because it's real life.

I eventually got up, reminded myself that all I have in this life is myself, and walked home. Simple as that.

I had secretly thought about this day, it was always approaching, and secretly, deep in the back of my mind. And when it finally came, it was just another day. It wasn't spectacular or mystifying like I secretly hoped it would be, it was just another day. Another day in my life, a normal and prosaic day, with work and school, exams and all. There was nothing spectacular and nothing special, as I say once again, it was just another day.

And as it got closer to the end, the hope I had for magic was dwindling dramatically, as I sadly realized that it was just another day, and that I shouldn't have hoped for otherwise.

I don't need Chuck, and I can take care of myself, and if anything from last night says anything, I should just take care of myself.

The Kindest Parts

Monday, April 25, 2016

"To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times, what people need is NOT a brilliant mind that speaks, but a special heart that listens." 


-

"Just give him some space, and you guys are going to be fine." Matthew had said.

"I am giving him space, by making the choice to never talk to him again." I said, cheerfully. I was just going to walk away again, it was totally going to be fine. Chuck could stop me if he wanted to. I continued to type up my notes for my Genetics exam, and drinking my Cranberry Red Bull. But no matter what I did, I just kept having this strange feeling inside of me.

It was this gut feeling telling me that this was not what I was supposed to do, this wasn't the real Blair. Running away from Chuck and just walking away- that is fine for the Chuck who was an asshole, but not for the one that's trying. He gave up a lab to be there for me when I was sad, and he is a human, and it entitles him to have space and time for himself, and to make small mistakes, and to be busy. So if he was trying, should I be too?

And as much as I didn't want to admit it, the whole thing scared me. That was why I didn't tell anyone that Chuck was back in my life, that was why I lost my shit and was about to dip- because this genuinely scared me. The feelings that I have, and what could happen, it terrifies me. I could be heartbroken even more than I was the first time, but also, at the same time, he made me feel something for the first time, in forever.

He brings out the kindest parts of me, the emotional parts, the parts that I would otherwise hide, in fear of being perceived weak. And so, was I really going to be mad, or was I going to be kind?

In the movies, the guy always shows up at the last minute to win her back, after she has not changed. She remains the exact same heroine as before, and the guy just shows up, and he's changed- even though she is untouched. But real life doesn't work that way, and in order to repair something that fell apart, or to travel alongside each other after such a long time, there must be change. There must be change in both, as the paces of life have slowed up or sped up, but to be alongside each other, you have to adjust and you have to change. You can't remain the same and expect someone to follow you.

And really, was this heartless, emotionless, indifferent (but still sassy, brazen, bold) person, the person I wanted to be? Of course not. I wanted to be the Blair that cares so much that she pours her heart out, the Blair who smiles when she wakes up, and laughs without worry. The one who isn't afraid of looking weak, and is still strong and fiercely independent. So if Chuck was going to try, I would too.

Blair: I'm sorry that I overreacted like that, I just would have appreciated if you had said something. Good luck on your code! Don't stress out too much/
Chuck: I know, it is really my fault, thank you

Although jaded and guarded, I just had to be kind. When there's someone that you care about, you can't just assume that they're going to drop everything and accommodate you, there has to be compromise and there has to be understanding. And so, I decided that the attitude and the expectation of Chuck needed to prove that he deserved me, I let it go. Because deep down, I knew that he was trying to.

"So we are friends, now, and I use that term loosely. I like him, and I'm very attracted to him, but at the same time I don't know," I admitted to Shane, as we walked through the streets. It was okay that things weren't crystal clear, sometimes a little mystery is a good thing.

"Oh my god, he's your Abner," Shane said, laughing uncontrollably. I gave him side eye and shook my head.

"Chuck is not Abner. Abner is gross."

"Well let's see here, he is socially awkward, his face looks goofy, he is a scrawny little man, and he smells offensive, who does that sound like? ABNER."

"Chuck is not Abner!"

"He's Abner, Blair, he's Abner."
 
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