Maybe one day I can have a reunion with myself. 

-Sebastian Bach

-

Before I blogged on Cliches in Chicago, I blogged on a tumblr called Sass of Chicago. I unfortunately, and stupidly deleted all of the writings on that blog, in a moment of dramatics. I cursed that blog, and my previous single life, because I was sooo in love with Chuck Cuevas. Now, as a quasi-adult, I understand that you should never give anything up, especially your poignant, beautifully written and hilarious blog about your adventures in dating (okay...maybe kissing..) terrible boys. But now I'm an adult, and I know to never delete your blog for anyone. 

I have a story for all of you. In my fit of annoyance/fed uppance with Chuck, I signed up for Tinder. I remember my fondest foray into Tinder, meeting Jake Reagan and becoming completely infatuated with him. And of course, I remembered my worst- meeting that stupid architect Ted, that called that painting crispy and having him annoy the fuck out of me.

When I downloaded it, of course I wasn't serious about it- I was just curious. I mean, can you blame me? I had the earth shattering realization (once again) that Chuck Cuevas was a fucking asshole, and was completely embarrassed that I thought for even a split moment that things would be sunshine and rainbows. And the realization that regardless of how long we've been together or how much fun we have, Chuck may never stop spontaneously disappearing. And can you imagine that? ME, ELIZABETH LEONA BUI dealing with this bullshit when I have kids with him or something?

"Sorry, kids, your dad just disappeared because he can't deal with shit...again."

My daughter would look back at me in her Kate Spade for girls dress, and throw her mini Maisie bag on the fucking ground. As my son sits there, in his J.Crew button down and bright Chubbies shorts and baby Sperries. They'd be like, "Um, mom, are you really putting up with this bullshit?"

And as I sat there, I realized, "HOLY FUCK, I've been through a lot with Chuck."

Yeah, he was all, "We're going to be okay, we're going to get through this, there's going to be good times and bad times, but we're going to get through this. We're going to be fine," but holy fucking shit, this MF has a lot of fits. And I understand, there's been times when I get mad or upset, but I've never just disappeared or not talked about it.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyways, so I made a Tinder, and then promptly deleted it.

Blair: What kind of tacos?
Guy on Tinder: It's a simple recipe. I just wrap a tortilla around my dick and stick it in your mouth until the secret sauce comes out, most girls find it delicious ;)

EW.

BOY, BYE.

Maybe the universe just wants me to be alone forever, and to be in Chuck Cueva's crazy limbo. Just watch, guys, I'll be fifty years old and Chuck will still be telling me, "I need you to wait two years for me."

Okay, I feel like my life has the makings of a romantic comedy- I've met so many guys in quasi-cute ways, and spontaneously. It just is missing the part where I fall in love and meet the perfect guy. In my romantic comedy, these meet-cutes end in me going on a date with them, finding out that I don't like them at all in about .26 milliseconds, and then having the date end in them begging me for a second chance or another date.

I've been reunited with a guy from three years ago, I've been asked out randomly in Target, I've even met a guy on a fucking elevator (and we have had MANY moments in said stupid elevator), but this is real life. In real life, perfectly handsome guys aren't everywhere, and in real life you go months without having sex or going on a date. And when you do go on a date...it's definitely not like you thought it'd be like.

And as I sat there reminiscing, I couldn't help but wonder...what exactly have these guys been up to?

-

Haz- He is on my Do Not Social Media Stalk list- he is probably still living with the girl he dated as soon as we broke up, who he claims he's super in love with. Yes, he did confess his undying love to me like two years ago while they were dating.

Tom- He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and he's just been posting pictures of him being alone or with friends, broing it up. How awkward.

Bill- Has a girlfriend as awkward, condescending, and fake artsy/wannabe hipster as him.

Sexy Drake- Oh my gosh, why is he still super freaking hot. It's okay, guys, I'm just going to keep reminding myself about how he tried to do butt stuff with me, and that he's not that super hot (but he is)

James- Still dating this girl, is going to be living with Chuck... whatever.

Alejandro- Oh my god, even this thirsty MF has a girlfriend...what the hell?!?

Luke- HOW ARE ALL THESE GUYS GETTING GIRLFRIENDS?!?

Johnny- In Peoria for his residency, pining after Elizabeth Bui. Just kidding guys, he's in residency and probably macking on nurses.

Jake- Living in Milwaukee, being stupidly charming and handsome.

Toronto- I don't even need to Google this one- he has a girlfriend now too! I see him all the time when I go to work, because his job is working facilities in the building where our office is located. He actually is the only guy on this list that I'm on great terms with!

Chuck- I refuse.

Louis- He's busy wearing stupid J.Crew cardigans and dressing like a Kennedy while being an asshole and offending people, probably.

Ted- Besides creeping on my Snapchats, who knows? Probably still desperately searching for love.

Rafael- Probably out banging half of Chicago- without using a condom.

Ezra- Probably still heartbroken over his ex- but I heard he's transferring schools!

Target Guy- Who knows, and who cares?

Johnson- WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE TERRIBLE MEN FINDING GIRLFRIENDS?!

Jason- UGH, he still looks stupid handsome too. I ran into him last week while I was buying tacos and I walked away.

Carter- Still dealing drugs, and showing up in Blair's summer classes.

Derek- Still single, and still not getting back with his three year ex girlfriend even though he clearly loves her.

Nash- Still creeping on Snapchat, and hoping that Chuck and I don't get back together.

-

And the person I know you're all curious about...

Blair- Living life, working towards her goals and being undeniably sassy. Still going on adventures, still dating terrible men, and still blogging about it.

Be Nice To The Boys in Chicago, Elizabeth

“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

-

"You're a three for three, do you know what that means?" My uncle asked, drunkenly, as I stood there awkwardly, trying to escape his grasp.

He looked deep into my eyes, and stared at me, intensely.

"You're young, you're beautiful, and you're intelligent."

I thanked him, and as I tried to walk off, he grabbed my forearm.

"Be nice to the boys in Chicago, okay, Elizabeth?"

-

Hell fucking no, I wasn't going to be nice to the boys in Chicago, because they were completely NOT nice to me. I had thought about it, in retrospect, all the guys that I've dated (or not dated), and at first I thought to myself, "Elizabeth Bui, maybe you're being a little bit harsh on these guys, maybe they aren't so terrible," and then I thought about it for a couple more seconds, and came to the realization that actually, the guys that I've met since the beginning of this blog, are actually pretty damn terrible. If anyone should be getting nice treatment, it should be me, Blair fucking Bui, for all the nonsense that I've had to deal with from these fuckers.

Ted Chang

• Was excessively clingy and weird, and said that he could see me as his wife after like, three dates.
• Was a neanderthal and embarrassed me in the Art Institute
• Got me drunk off moscato, and banged me, even though I didn't really want to
• Used disgusting adjectives to describe normal things- called my dress yummy, called a PAINTING crispy. UM, IS A MANET PAINTING FRIED CHICKEN NOW?
• Could never talk to him, so I always had to go see movies so I could ignore him
• Bossed me around, like a typical stereotypical weird Asian guy

Louis Romney

• Sent me a list of problems he had with me, like what?
• Was super cocky, super Republican, and always mentioned how much older he was than me
• Ran away during one of my work events, when Kayresia asked him what his intentions with me were
• Has five hundred side hos, and probably a secret wife and kids in Hawaii
• Always talked about how he hated Hispanic, and poor people

Rafael Mancilla

• Claimed that he had kidney problems, and that he couldn't go on a sushi date with me, but then still came over and banged me
• AND then totally tried to ghost me
• Basically a twenty three year old fuck boy, with a schwag job, that smokes weed day and night

Target Guy

• Asked me on a date in a grocery store
• Basically told me that he's a pedophile, and that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two
• And then he thought I would go home with him after that???

Johnson Baker

• OH MY GOD
• DON'T GET ME STARTED
• ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER
• Thinks he's the bomb dot com, and can't seem to understand that there's (a fucking lot of) women out there who don't want to date him
• Followed me for twenty blocks, asking me why I wouldn't date/bang/WHATEVER him
• And then in Target too
• And then called me inconsiderate and acted like I was at fault
• Non-stop asked me why I wouldn't date him
• Didn't know what foccacia bread was
• Didn't know what sugar packets were
• Kept acting like something was wrong with me, just because I wouldn't date him
• Basically was an idiot, and a gremlin man-child that would not let shit go, and nonstop asked me why I wouldn't date him, and obviously had weird feelings for me, but was incapable of moving the fuck on

Zayn

• BASICALLY, he took advantage of me when I was really, really, really sad and depressed, and he slept with me even though I wasn't into it, and then he wouldn't leave me alone and kept acting like I was acting weird because I liked him
• WHICH I FUCKING DID NOT EW

Carter Chavez

• Literally a fuck boy, and an idiot
• Sent me pictures of him smoking with his foot
• HIS FOOT
• WHO DOES THAT?!
• Would not stop trying to tap me

Jason

• Basically told me he didn't have to time to "cultivate" (TF?) a relationship, but he's literally on every dating app imaginable
• Talks like a 70's frat star, and the first time he met me, he punched me on my right upper arm, and sometimes I still think it hurts to this day

Derek

• Kept asking me for another chance, and acted like he deserved one, was annoying and super persistent

Kevin

• Got like, $100 worth of free consultations
• Basically tried to tap me, got rejected, and then stole my business idea

Chuck Fucking Cuevas

And then I sat there, incapable of making that last list. I looked at that name, and I didn't even know what to say. Chuck and I really have had our ups and downs this semester, and we really have been through a lot. He sat there, and watched me date (and bang) other guys, right in front of him, and he didn't say anything. And I understand that he didn't say anything because he didn't think it was his place, but in the end, it bothered the hell out of him, and he just didn't say anything. And don't I deserve someone that will say something? Someone that cares so passionately about me, that they'd go after me and say something?

And it's not like Chuck never says anything- there was the time that he was adorably annoying as fuck, and kept sending me passive-aggressive messages in order to talk to me, when I was ignoring him. But I had only ignored him, and walked away because he wasn't there for me, when I needed him to be. And I walked away because he didn't say anything, and because he let me.

And he's been around recently, as much as I want to pretend like everything is perfect and dandy, and magical between us- it doesn't change the fact that he can't be with anyone right now. AND YES, it's sweet that if he could, it would be me, in a heartbeat, but I just... I need him to say anything. I need him to say something, and I need him to give me something that's worth waiting and fighting for. Because right now, I honestly just don't know. 

And the last thing I said to him was on Thursday morning, and he didn't say anything back. And now it's the night before he's going to leave, and he still hasn't said anything. And I know it's silly, and I should just say something- but I'm always the one who says something. It wasn't even a big crazy message, I literally just messaged him back something normal- and he just didn't say anything! 

And maybe it's because we both don't know what this is, or what's going on. I mean, I really don't...I've been sneaking around secretly with Chuck, but who knows what's going to happen, or if it's worth it. And I wish that I was as fearless as I used to be, and that I could just dive headfirst, and belly up. But the same question keeps asking me, "Did you crawl out of the pit he threw you in, and climb that mountain...just for this?"

Is Chuck really it, Blair?

And I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I just know that he hasn't said anything- and I need him to say anything.

A Cocktail of Terrible Stereotypes

“The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

-

I remember going to a St. Baldrick's event, and having Shane say, "Is this a fundraiser or a gathering of guys you went on dates with?" Because literally, this College of Medicine event turned into a collection of a bunch of guys that I had gone on dates with. I've dated quite a few med students, and I know a little bit too much about the people in the COM at my school (more than I care to). As a result, I consider myself a little bit of an expert (unfortunately), when it comes to dating med students. I've pretty much dated them all, and the weirdest/worst thing about med students, is that they don't just fall under one of these categories, no, they're like a cocktail of terrible stereotypes and douchebaggery. Romney was a mix of at least three of these things, Johnson Baker as well, they're like a potpourri of asshole-ness.

Oh med students, the most transparent and easiest to spot of men.

But all in all, here we go-

The Different Types of Guys You'll Date From Med School

The One Who Thinks He’s God’s Gift to Humanity- Not to be confused with “The One Who Thinks He’s The Next Surgeon General,” although they both think that they’re tremendously phenomenal in different ways. This guy thinks that he’s an absolute God- and that each and every woman will bow down in chances that he will date that lucky, average female. Because he is SOOOO spectacular, he is unable to comprehend the word “no,” and is incapable of handling rejection, because he thinks he’s hot shit. He thinks he’s McDreamy, and will be completely incapable of understanding why you won’t date/sleep/bow down to him.

The One Who Thinks He’s The Next Surgeon General- He thinks he’s a medical GOD, and that he is going to be the best damn doctor in the entire world. He believes that he is a medical genius, and on the path to revolutionizing medicine. He probably will talk shit about his classmates, and how incredibly amazing and intelligent he is. Will probably want to go into some sort of surgery, most likely cardio-thoracic.

The Gunner- He lives, eats, breathes, anatomy, and spends all of his time studying, day and night. You will be rendered useless and unnecessary to him, because you are not going to advance his medical career. He will pay more attention to his anatomy textbook than you. All he cares about is med school, and all he talks and thinks about is….med school.

The One Who Probably Has A Wife and Kids- A little (or a lot) older than the conventional med student, he's re-living his undergrad years by dating hella females. His Facebook profile is squeaky clean, and he deletes tags on the regular. You never know that he's thinking, or what he's up to, and he definitely always acts like he's hiding something... after all, he is old enough to be someone's father... maybe even yours. He dresses like he works a 9-5 job, and is extremely secretive.

The One With Side Hos For Days- He is basically dating four girls at once, most likely all from the College of Medicine. Skillfully, and carefully, he will make sure they are all in different social groups so that they never come across each other. Think John Tucker, but in wannabe scrubs. He is most likely overcompensating for something, whether it's his lack of game in undergrad, feeling inferior to classmates, or that he's incapable of adult relationships. Will most likely be banging nurses in residency.

The One That Every Girl Has A Crush On- Super handsome, super suave, and super dreamy- this is the guy that everyone in med school thinks is the hunkiest and handsomest. The real McDreamy, his ridiculous attractiveness will have you questioning how someone like him could possibly exist. Unfortunately, he probably is still with his girlfriend from undergrad...sorry.

The Rebounding Mess- Recently broke up with his long-term girlfriend from undergrad, and now he's banging everything that he sees in sight. Will use the fact that he's a future doctor to score girls (but then again, every guy on this list does...), and uses the um, "companionship" of other women to pretend like he's not absolutely hurt and heartbroken.

The One That’s “Perfect”- Handsome, smart, intelligent- everyone says he's a great guy, a nice guy, a phenomenal person, and that's what he is, right? Definitely not. You will think every guy on this list, is "perfect" when you first meet them, and then you will be sadly awoken to realize that there is most definitely, something wrong with them.

But all in all- this is not a definitive list (although pretty damn close, if I do say so myself), and of course, like men in general- not all guys in med school are terrible. Just a hell of a lot of them.

Plus One

"To be an ideal guest, stay at home."

 -E. W. Howe

-

"Are you coming to the dessert party my wife is throwing?" my boss asked me, as I walked into his office.

"Yeah, of course!" I said, as I realized that I had completely forgotten about it. My boss was a rich older man who lived right across the street from Millennium Park. His building was full of basketball players and celebrities, as he was basically loaded. His wife was the typical successful older lady as well, throwing fancy parties and events to network and impress people.

One of them being this dessert party, with prosecco and wine.

"You know you have a plus one, right?" He said, eyeing me carefully. I looked at him awkwardly, and nodded. He made a small face before saying his next response.

"But you don't have to bring one if you don't have one."

I stood there, awkwardly. His response to this could have been one of two things-

1. Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.
2. Blair, last time you brought a plus one, he ran away.
3. Blair, you are lonely AF.

"I'll bring one," I said, adamantly, as I walked off. My red ballet flats tapped across the surface of the wood floor, as I scurried off to my desk.

"FUCK, BLAIR, why did you say that?"

-

Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.

To be fair, there have only been two big work events that have occurred, and the boy I brought to the first one I thought was going to be my plus one for life. I literally thought that Chuck and I were going to be forever, because I was young and naive, and I thought that he was going to be my plus one from then on forward. To infinity and beyond.

And okay, I kind of, sort of thought that the second boy that I took to the second work event was going to be attending a couple more, but then he ended up running away! Not my fault.

OKAY, and I'm twenty and relationships aren't forever, so no one should really be expected to bring the same person, unless it's their spouse, to every single freaking event. ESPECIALLY if they're months apart!

Blair, last time you bought a plus one, he ran away.

I'm going to make this as painless as possible, by stealing the little snippet of a story from a previous blog post. I'm not going to go into crazy detail- I think if I do, it'll make me want to throat punch Louis Romney.

*coughs and opens up storybook (aka blog archives)*

I ended up taking him to this fancy work event, and as we all sat there in Carnivale, casually enjoying our dinner, Louis decided to offend a lot of people. He acted super classist, super sexist, and well...super conservative. He asked people if they were lower level employees, and it was just a huge mess overall. 

Louis is... ultra conservative. He only cares about the economy, hates poor people, hates Hispanic people, doesn't believe in feminism, He is actually Romney and Trump in twenty nine year old youngish man form. 

Anyways, we were all somewhat casually enjoying this nice dinner, when suddenly, Kayresia turned to Louis, and asked, "Louis, what are your intentions with Blair?"

A gut wrenching feeling hit me, as I turned and looked at him, noticing that he looked like Kayresia just smacked him in the head with a frying pan.

I didn't need for Louis to say that he wanted to be with me forever, I just needed him to not care that she did that, but instead Louis got up, and ran away. Louis completely disappeared, and then reappeared twenty minutes later with two HUGE drinks. In front of my entire staff.

And to this day, I don't know what was more embarassing about that incident...him running away in the middle of dinner, or him acting ultra conservative during dinner.

Everyone at work laughed at the fact that Louis ran away, and thought that he was an asshole. That's how that saga ended. No one ever said anything to my face really, except Cora when she said he was a fucking asshole. But I'm sure everyone talked about it plenty behind my back, all, "Poor Blair."

Blair, you are lonely AF.

Okay, first of all, I am not lonely AF. I am living a good life where I watch Grey's Anatomy and eat kale in my bed. And where I hang out with my friends, drink beer, and do Pilates. I just have no boyfriend or romantic prospects (although people would tell you otherwise), and I'm single AF.

I scanned my brain, and ended up going through every guy I've been on a date with in the past six months.

Chuck Cuevas:

I shook my head immediately. That can't and won't be happening. Because then the two of us would laugh and reminisce about the last time we went to a fancy rich people party, feel the feels about the good times, and then things would be messy and weird. And also, my coworkers would tell him that they've missed seeing him around, and they would assume that we are getting back together.

Plus, even though most people think that Chuck is skinny and awkward, not the hottest, and kinda gross, there's just something about him in nice clothes that makes me weak at the knees, and think, "DAYUM." I can't explain it, for whatever reason, I think Chuck Cuevas is a hottie.

Louis Romney:

Hell to the no, did you not read that previous story? Plus, besides the fact that he is an asshole, he's been pretending that he doesn't know me, because I was the side ho when he had a med school girlfriend.

I am still convinced that he has a wife and kids.


Ted Chang:
People joke that I dumped him because he didn't know what a painting was, but in reality we had absolutely nothing in common, he was weirdly in love with me, and a complete neanderthal. He was SO incredibly stupid, and also short. No way in fuck am I ever talking to him again. He was also incredibly cocky and really weird and annoying, entitled as well.

Sometimes I wish I had told him the truth and that I couldn't stand his ass, instead of chickening out and saying that it was because I still had feelings for Chuck.


Rafael Mancilla:
God, he's sexy. But also a twenty three year old fuck boy. So, pass.

Ezra:

Literally went on one date. No thanks.

Target Guy:

He told me that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two, and then friend to bang me...no thanks.


Johnson:
There are sooooo many reasons why this is an immediate no, besides his annoying gremlin man-child ways, the fact that he's short, and that he's absolutely entitled and crazy. Also if I can't stand him at a nice brunch place, no way in fuck is he going to a fancy AF party at my boss' condo. I can't have him asking me what petit fours are. SORRY NOT SORRY.


Carter Chavez:
He would probably show up high, and then I would slap him across the face, and then he would be sexually aroused by that. I don't really want to be seen or associated with him, and also he's basically classless.


Jason:
Ugh, he's hot. But he also talks like a 70's frat star and is kind of an asshole.

Derek:
Also into me, definitely not into him. No thanks.

Maybe I needed to put an ad out or something.

WANTED: a plus one for a fancy party that my boss is throwing that will impress and dazzle everyone, and more importantly not embarrass me. The last guy I brought was embarrassing, my coworkers are still laughing about it.

You:
-are smart, educated, and intelligent
-have culture and class
-but can also joke around, be funny or a little ridiculous
-have a good career (or path)
-are funny, charming, and a great conversationalist
-taller than 5'9 (I'll compromise)
-do not have any glaring problems
-are not an asshole or Neanderthal

Me:
-is 5'5, 105, and adorably petite
-drinks beer, does Pilates, and is chill AF
-Asian American (but looks ethnically ambiguous)
-is clever, funny, and a pretty great conversationalist
-has hilarious and ridiculous stories
-watches the same terribly funny tv shows you do
-dresses fashionably and very well, has refined style
-will laugh at your terrible jokes
-sassy, brazen, bold, and sure

Pros:
-delicious desserts
-alcohol
-great networking and conversation
-potentially fall in love....or make a great friend (I'm a great wing woman!)

That Was A Pity

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
-Alexander Pope

-

As I laid there, awkwardly somewhat cuddling with Derek, I was brainstorming ways to leave, or basically, ways to chicken out and get the fuck outta there.

1. Pretend to fall asleep later, and then sneak out.
2. Get dressed hella quick, and then throw everything in your Kate Spade, then run out the door.
3. Go to the bathroom, and climb out the window.
4. Have Shane/Kayresia/Serena call you, pretending that there is an emergency that needs your help
5. Pretend to start crying, and say that you still have feelings for Chuck and that you love him

None of them were viable options.

"We should get to bed soon," Derek said, as he kissed my shoulder and pulled me in closer. I awkwardly wiggled my ass from our spooning, and reached for my shirt.

"It's getting late, I probably should be heading home soon, I work in the morning." I grabbed my skinny jeans (which made my butt look phenomenal), and pulled them on.

"Should I plan an adventure for Thursday or is this it?" Derek asked me, awkwardly.

I was floored that he had straight up asked me this, and completely shocked. Was he really going to do this right now? I literally was trying to put on my clothes and leave! My friends always joke that I have become very stereotypical male about dating- I think this was reinforced by the act that I was contemplating sneaking out earlier when he was sleeping, and that I was now trying to weasel my way out of having to spend the night.

Derek looked at me expectantly, like a middle schooler asking her crush to the school dance. I felt the guilt, and even more, I felt awkward.

"Um, I don't know..." It just came out, and it was very poorly said. In this moment, I really contemplated running out the door barefoot, and throwing my shoes and coat into my Kate Spade bag.

There wasn't anything obviously wrong with him, any glaring problems. There was just no fire, no spark, no.... attraction. Something was missing, and I just didn't feel it. And then, when we were hooking up, I definitely wasn't feeling it (not just because he went um, flat...), although it started off okay, it fell flat. And it wasn't his fault- I just didn't feel it.

It wasn't even me being shallow- Derek was really cute and really nice! I just didn't feel something. And I know I'm capable of it, because I felt it with Chuck Cuevas, that ass.

I remember I liked Chuck so much, and I was so convinced that he wasn't, um, well skilled or well endowed, that I gave myself a pep talk before he came over to be intimate.

"It's okay, Blair, if he's not that good, you really, really like him." I literally told myself that before anything happened- because I had liked him that much!

And with Derek, it was just.... a horribly awkward experience and the fact that k just wanted to run away, reminded me that I did not like him.

"I think I deserve another chance," he admitted, as he looked at me, expectantly.

"Uh, with the sex or with the date?" I asked, awkwardly. I was hoping that he just wanted another shot at...that, because then I wouldn't feel bad at all! Does that make me a terrible person

"Please have him just want to hook up with me, please don't have him like me," I told myself.

I know what you're thinking, "BLAIR BUI, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? A nice, sweet young man wants to date you, and you're secretly hoping that he only wants to bang you, so that you can dump him without feeling bad??" I know it sounds really terrible, I know, but think about how easy it is to reject a guy who's trying to tap you- it's SO easy. It's so easy, that you never remember them, and you laugh it off. Like that guy who asked me out in Target!

Because you remember the really, really nice guys, that you have to let down, because you remember how awkward you felt, and how nice they were. And you remember how you kinda wished that you were attracted to them so that it wouldn't have to happen- except you don't, because you really don't want to date them.

"Both."

Oh shit.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's dumping people. I was too chicken to dump Ted earlier this semester that I chickened out and told him that I still had feelings for Chuck. My freshman year, my cop-out excuse was always. "I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend."

When it came time to dump Johnson, I felt so bad at that time (now looking back, I don't at all and wished I hadn't), that I had ZAYN dump him for me. ZAYN. I literally sat there while Zayn was having the break up conversation with Johnson for me, on my phone!

When it came to Zayn, I was so awkward that I avoided him and didn't talk to him for a while (aka, a month) before I finally fessed up that he had traumatized me and that I was so incredibly weirded out.

And finally, with Chuck, when I decided to never talk to him again, that's simply what I did. One day I made that decision and simply just never talked to him again- and he didn't miss me apparently, because he didn't say anything! You know, until I asked for my stuff back.

I don't know how I did this, and I really wish I remembered, but somehow we managed to stop talking about things and he called me an Uber. I was completely home free, and about to sprint across his lawn, when Derek decided he was going to walk me to the car.... and open the door for me... and then, finally, the cherry on top of an awkward date, he awkwardly kissed me good bye. And then I slammed the door closed.

"Can we please drive away now?" I asked the Uber, turning away from the window. "That was such a terrible date."

"Really? I was just about to say that was so cute!"

I spilled everything to the uber driver, I poured out everything, from Chuck and I breaking up, to how I took a break from dating ever since the Zayn thing, and then finally, the terribly awkward details about that night.

"That boy really likes you. you can tell he does. He's probably thinking about you right now," he said, as he turned on to another street. "He even completed the date, he called you an Uber, walked you out, opened the door, kissed you goodbye- and oh, that was a pity smooch!"

"I know" I said, hiding behind my scarf. "I feel so awkward and so terrible!"

"Don't, little lady, because it happens with dating. It's not your fault, you just don't feel the spark with some people. And don't you ever settle for less than that spark, I know what you're looking for, you're looking for that magic."

And it was what I was looking for. I used to be so frustrated whenever I met a guy that was nice, but I didn't feel sparks with, because I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like it was because I was being too picky or something- but I wasn't, I just didn't feel anything. And I didn't realize it until I took my break, but finding someone you have that fire with, it's not an easy thing

"I am!"

"And all you could have done was give that boy a chance, which you did. So just be gentle, and let him down easy," he said, as he pulled up to my apartment building. "So be kind."

It was something that I was learning how to do, slowly but surely. And I knew even though it might stink, I had to tell Derek the absolute truth. I had been in his situation- totally and utterly excited about someone.

There was a point about a month ago when Jason and I were supposed to go on a date- I was totally secretly excited, and he basically didn't talk to me the entire week until the night before, when he late night texted me that he "didn't have time to cultivate anything romantic." I was fine, of course, but obviously kind of annoyed that he didn't say anything up front, but waited a week to say something! I brushed it off, and ignored it, and then drunkenly threw myself at a College of Medicine after drinking Schmidt's pitcher of beer. BUT ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The point is he should have been honest from the start- because avoiding people, or trying to sneak away isn't very kind.

And it was a lesson that I was still learning (although I would like to add that I'm much kinder than Jason is).

I got a text from Derek, when I got home. I ignored it, and then went upstairs to have a nice, cold beer. Shane had some Busch in his fridge, and I drank it as I told him everything that happened.

"So, you don't like another guy, it happens," Shane said, as he played his Xbox.

I took another sip of my beer, and nodded. "I know, and it happens a lot- but I'm not going to feel bad, and I'm not going to freak out, not that I would. Because this kind of stuff happens, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that something special."

My phone suddenly went off again, and then I peeked to see what was waiting for me.

Derek: Hey how was the uber? Worthy of 5 stars?haha 
Derek: I had a great time despite my difficulties at the end haha i hope you did too, if your still down for another adventure on thursday id love to try again and show you an even better time! 

I wish I was a nice person, and responded to him at three in the morning, but I waited until the next morning, before I texted Derek back.

Blair: You're a great guy and it was nice seeing you again, and yeah it was nice to catch up, but there was just... Something missing. And what happened kind of solidified that. It's not your fault or anything, I'm just missing that spark 
Derek: Yea I agree there was something missing but I still think this is worth one more try. I mean you went on three dates with the weird guy who ate off your plate right?

(Sorry to interrupt but can we take a moment to laugh at how Johnson is known? Okay, okay)

Derek: haha plus like you said you had such high hopes for me after 3 years. If we give it another try I have a feeling I wont dissapoint you again 
Blair: I don't think it's worth trying if neither of us is really feeling it- I think it's best.

I think I'm gonna stick to sitting in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy, and eating hummus.

The Ditch

"Because I didn't pull myself out of the ditch that Chuck threw me in, I didn't climb that mountain of shit, and get over his crazy ass, for this"

-Blair Bui

-

One time, Chuck got tremendously drunk (I'm not going to lie, I did too...), and as I woke up from my drunken slumber, and looked over at him, he just looked straight at me, right into my eyes.

"Blair, you are always in my thoughts," he whispered, as I moved a bit closer. We were laying nose to nose, and the moonlight shined in through his window.

"Really?" I leaned in for a kiss, and felt my heart beat faster. This was what being in love is, and I had been in love, and I was lucky to be in love.

"I'm always thinking about you, always. You're always in my thoughts." I looked at him, and I smiled. Chuck grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and gently placed it on his bare erection.

You would think that in that moment, that I would realize something was up.

It had been two weeks since I had gone on a date with a guy, and about half a week since I officially gave up on them. I mean, I'd like to think that it had been a week, but when I drunkenly wanted to climb Jason like a tree, that kind of reset my timer again. I really genuinely had given up on guys though, I had spent my time working, cleaning my apartment, running and doing pilates, and just spending time with friends.

With Yael being in Canada, the only men I had in my life were Shane and Johnson, which I really think says a lot. Somehow Johnson had finally given up on being immature and petty, and Shane had always been a great friend. Even when I fell asleep on his bedroom floor- which happens more than it should, to be honest.

But all of this has given me plenty of time to think about love, life, and relationships, and I've come to the crazy conclusion that I'm a strong independent woman, and that finding the next guy isn't going to come easy. Because I didn't pull myself out of the ditch that Chuck threw me in, I didn't climb that mountain of shit, and get over his crazy ass, for this, to be with any of the guys that I've dated over the past few months. They were hot, and they were alright, but I didn't go through everything I did for this. They weren't the end to my story.

Louis Romney was a total asshole, and he just wanted to hook up with me. Even though he spoon-fed me everything that I wanted to her, or that I thought that I wanted, in the end he was a total jerk. He was a complete and utter asshole, who ended up making me realize a lot of things about myself, and relationships. I guess from him, the biggest thing I learned is that you can't be with someone who wants you to give up everything for them, and to accommodate them. You can't be with someone who doesn't want you to be independent, who wants you to be a caged bird with a taped-together beak. Someone who wants the diluted version of you.

As for Rafael, as much as I wanted something to happen, he just didn't try. And that's one of the harder things to learn, honestly. When someone wants to be with you, they will do everything in their power to make it happen. ESPECIALLY guys. And the fact of the matter is, Rafael didn't try because he didn't want to be with me enough. If he had, he wouldn't have given up so easily and he wouldn't have just straight up dipped.

I've dated the good guys, I've dated the bad guys, and I've drunk texted my heart out and drunkenly flirted with guys. I've had sex, I've fucked, and this whole time all I've wanted to do is dance in the moonlight and sail into the sun. But the fact of the matter is, I don't need someone to do that, I really don't. There's some equally ridiculous person out there, but for right now, it's just me, dancing in the moonlight and sailing into the sun, all by myself.

And the biggest lesson through all of this is exactly that- I didn't go through hell and back to settle. And I didn't do it for anyone less than amazing. I did it for me, because even though it was shitty, and even though I went back to Chuck a couple times, I finally put that part of my life behind me. And I'm ready.

Zero Stars

A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and having someone sit on it. 

-Danielle Steel

It had been literally three days since I had heard from Jason, the last thing he said to me was "Think Friday may work best for me."

What the fuck was that even???

At first, I was completely convinced that it was just because he was shy and whatnot, but then as time progressed, I couldn't help but become paranoid.

"Maybe Romney gave you a bad Yelp review," Serena said, as I analyzed the current situation.

"I don't think life works like that, Serena," I said, as I rummaged through my bag for a hand cream. I was balancing my cell phone on my shoulder, as I searched the abyss of lipsticks and post-its.

"I mean, think about it, I think that's the kind of shit guys do- you said they were friends right?"

She did have a point.

"No... he wouldn't do that."

C'mon Blair.

"Okay... I don't know-"

"EXACTLY," Serena said, interrupting me. "He could have given you a bad Yelp review."

I mean, even if he did, were things really so terrible between us that he would give me a bad Yelp review? I thought about that for a second, and then I started laughing out loud, to myself.

Okay, yeah, he would give me a review with the caption, "I wish I could give her zero stars."

I could see it now:

ZERO STARS. If I could give zero stars, I could. Blair Bui and I dated, and she and her friends are absolutely insane. They wouldn't stop asking me what my intentions were with her. She's too sassy, too brazen, and too bold. She's petty, young, and foolish. She is absolutely crazy and sent me texts when she was drunk calling me OLD AF. Don't date her.

On the other side of my romantic turmoil, Carter was proving to be a total bust. After being so butt hurt about my non-caring reaction to everything he did, my friends provided me some interesting advice... they basically told me to stop being such a huge bitch and to tell him that I liked him.

Blair: I'm going to admit that I actually like you, but you can't use it against me.

And ZILCH.

But as this all happened, I thought to myself, and could not believe that Romney could have left me a bad Yelp review...and the guys in the College of Medicine made up a big chunk of my dating pool! And so, I decided that I maybe needed to not burn every bridge I had to the pool of guys there...

Blair: Hey, Johnson, I was thinking that even though things didn't work out, I would still love to be friends!

C'mon, you can't judge a girl for doing what she's gotta do. Johnson may be kind of weird and a little bit desperate, but his friends definitely were not...

The Shy Guy

“But she wished she had had the guts to go up to him and say hello. Or possibly break his legs, she wasn't sure which.”

-Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Played with Fire 

***The following post continues from the previous post regarding Carter.

"No, she's talking about the shy guy!" Serena said, on the phone.

"You forgot about him!"

 "Guys, I haven't even gone on a date with him!"

 "You might as well put him down," Kayresia said, with a laugh.

 "I have a good feeling about shy guy," Serena admitted. And to be completely honest...I did too. 

-

ONE MONTH AGO:


I had been texting Ezra, and as I walked to visit Regina at work, I stopped completely in my tracks. Sashaying towards me, was Louis Romney.

"Was he always that short?" I thought to myself, as he walked closer. It was unmistakably him, Republican navy v-neck sweater, slacks, grandpa loafers, and all. Did he ever dress just casually?

He spotted me, said hello, and then turned around, stopping to talk to me. I looked at him, side eye and all, it was only until he was standing right in front of me that I realized that this idiot was holding a fucking banana. A FUCKING BANANA.

"Hey, Blair, how are you?" He asked, as he shoved the banana in his mouth.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

And then suddenly, I remembered something.

"Your friend's cute, set me up with him!" I said, looking at Louis. He looked at me, shocked, and I swear you guys, he nearly choked on that banana chunk in his mouth.

"Who, Muhammad?" Louis laughed awkwardly after that, as I probably made an involuntary bitch face.

"No, the one in your picture!" I took out Facebook on my phone, and showed him.

"OH, you're friends with Jason?"

Could he not understand English, or what?

"No, he's cute."

"OH, so you want me to set you up with him," Louis said, while completely judging me in the process. What did he care? He missed his chance to date me, and his friend was really cute and single.

As we said good bye, he gave me a judgy look, and then walked away.

-

I was casually scrolling on Facebook, when I saw a familiar face. I clicked on it, and Jason's profile pulled up instantaneously.

"Mutual friends," I thought to myself, "Johnson Baker (Tinder Guy #3), Azeem Awani, Louis Romney, and....JOHNNY BELCHER?!"

Blair: HOW DO YOU KNOW JASON?

I waited in anticipation, and was playing Neko Atsume, when suddenly,

Johnny: His brother is an M4.
Blair: Introduce me.
Johnny: I don't really know him that well. Just add him on Facebook!
Blair: No, that's what weirdos do! 

Okay, we can ignore that I did that to Louis Romney like, four months ago?

Johnny: Guys don't really care about things like that. Just add him, Blair.

So, somehow, I channeled my inner Kayresia, and I added AND messaged him.

Blair: Hey! We matched once on Tinder, but my friends got drunk and they unmatched me!
Jason: Haha now why would they do that?

I left out the part where we met a couple times in passing and that he was friends with my ex boyfriend. We talked for a little bit, and made some small talk...but he didn't make a move. And so, somehow, Louis Romney actually proved himself useful, and provided me with some pretty vital information.

"So, I'm trying to talk to your friend...is he usually shy and kinda awkward?"

"Yeah, he is. That's just his personality."

And so, in that case, I decided to take the initiative in this situation.


Blair: Okay, so, I'm gonna leave my number, because I'm definitely a lot more funny and cute in person- I'd love to hang out some time! And if you're not up for it, you don't have to say anything and I definitely won't take it personally. 630-555-1416! 
Jason: Hey thanks, sounds good. This is kind of a busy weekend for me but we'll find a time!

And so, we texted a tiny bit, and ended up making plans for later that week.

-

"I have a good feeling about shy guy," Serena admitted.

"I do too, it's a strange kind of feeling."

"He might just be exactly what you need."

Bananas

"This shit is BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
-Gwen Stefani

I had been texting Ezra, and as I walked to visit Regina at work, I stopped completely in my tracks. Sashaying towards me, was Louis Romney.

"Was he always that short?" I thought to myself, as he walked closer. It was unmistakably him, Republican navy v-neck sweater, slacks, grandpa loafers, and all. Did he ever dress just casually?

He spotted me, said hello, and then turned around, stopping to talk to me. I looked at him, side eye and all, it was only until he was standing right in front of me that I realized that this idiot was holding a fucking banana. A FUCKING BANANA.

"Hey, Blair, how are you?" He asked, as he shoved the banana in his mouth.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

And then suddenly, I remembered something.

"Your friend's cute, set me up with him!" I said, looking at Louis. He looked at me, shocked, and I swear you guys, he nearly choked on that banana chunk in his mouth.

"Who, Muhammad?" Louis laughed awkwardly after that, as I probably made an involuntary bitch face.

"No, the one in your picture!" I took out Facebook on my phone, and showed him.

"OH, you're friends with Jason?"

Could he not understand English, or what?

"No, he's cute."

"OH, so you want me to set you up with him," Louis said, while completely judging me in the process. What did he care? He missed his chance to date me, and his friend was really cute and single.

As we said good bye, he gave me a judgy look, and then walked away.

"Regina did you-"

"Blair, I watched you guys in the reflection of the windows and eavesdropped on everything, and when he walked past here I wanted to throw a stapler at him."

"I know, I'm a savage bitch," I laughed, pulling out my phone from my bag. Another text from Ezra.

"I don't blame you, his friend's hot."