Snatched: The Blair Bui Story

“Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.” 

-Oliver Goldsmith, She Stoops to Conquer 

-

I'm not going to talk about the things that are stressing me, because there is about five hundred million things pulling at me right now. School, work, stress, life...that's not fun and cute, quirky and comedic. But I will talk about Emerson and Oliver.

After heaps of stress that we aren't going to discuss, I ended up leaving work to go to Matthew and Sally's barbecue that night. My hair is finally long enough to put in my extensions, so in they went, and dayum Daniel, did my hair look banging. As I got into my Uber, I noticed that Emerson had sent me a friend request (I actually forgot to text him back the night before...oops), and also that my Uber driver was cute. 

Now, if this was just any normal guy, I would have been all flirtatious and cute right off the bat. But because this was a hottie Uber driver, I had to be coy. I mean, seriously, if I was too straightforward and weird he would give me like, 0/5 stars, and then I would have to flap my fucking arms and fly everywhere!

I talked to the other passenger in the Uber, as he low key checked me out in his mirror. I was wearing a cute J.Crew floral top, my J.Crew shorts, and some matching flats (Charming Charlie, so comfortable!). She and I talked about our favorite food places, what our plans were. By the time she left the car, he knew that I was single, successful (for my age, kinda), into fashion and blogging, that I was "woke," loved Wicker Park, and that I was on the way to a barbecue at my friends' place in Irving Park.

The two of us talked and flirted, as he drove me to Matthew and Sally's place. His name was Oliver, and although he was cute, he reminded me a little too much of a Logan Square dwelling punk rock ex-boyfriend... *cough* Haz. Oliver was pretty formal, although everything else about him was very greasy hipster. He drove for Uber full time, he was a writer, and writing a play. He lived in Logan Square, and he had a twin.

My ride was extra long, as Oliver prolonged it, as we were flirting and talking. He even offered to wait outside the store for the old lady that he was dropping off at Mariano's.

"I'm hooking up with this girl, kind of, but she keeps saying that she has feelings for her ex or whatever. I mean, I'm not going to turn down the sex or anything, but yeah."

"Dude, seriously?" I asked, giving him a look. "Are you seriously that dumb?"

He looked at me, completely confused.

"She obviously isn't into you," I laughed, as I applied another layer of gloss.

"Listen, when girls want to hook up with a guy, they pick a guy that they don't respect, they think is hot, and they have no future with. Because why would you hook up with a guy that you think is amazing and is super hot? That's how you catch the feels," I said, as he nodded. "So obviously, this girl is isn't interested in you."

"Yeah, but she said she had feelings for her ex still," Oliver responded, in the most Johnson Baker-y kind of voice.

"Yeah, and that's what girls tell you when they don't want to date you. We can't say that we don't like you, because guys are egotistical and they'll ask for a second chance or some bullshit like that. And we don't like you, so it's not gonna change. But if you tell a guy that you still have feelings for your ex...then he can't argue that with you, he can't."

As soon as I said that last word, I realized that we were at my destination.

"So, why don't you pick me up later? And I'll tell you more nuggets of wisdom?"

Oliver gave me a smile, and nodded. "Sure, Blair."

-

"That's why you were late?" Matthew said, giving me a look. "Because you were flirting with the Uber driver?"

"Yup," I said, as I reached for a piece of Sally's cilanto lime chicken.

"You better be careful and take Kayresia with you on the way home!" Sally said, as he checked on his lasagna.

"I'll be okay! And if they take me, Jamie Chung can play me in the movie. Dule Hill will play Matthew, Jessie Williams will play you, Sally. Taraji P. Hensen will play Kayresia, and Titus Burgess will play Titus," I laughed. "They'll call it- Snatched: The Blair Bui Story."

-

I walked over to Titus, as he and I had a little bit of business to discuss the night of the barbecue.

"So, I have a question about your old roommate Emerson," I said, trying to segue-way into reconnaissance mode.

"Emerson?" Titus, asked, confused.

"Yes, your old roommate."

"Light skin boy?"

"Yes."

"Tall?"

"Yes."

"Cute?"

"YES," I said, as my voice echoed throughout the entire kitchen.

"Skaterish kind of boy?"

"TITUS, she said yes already, you're talking about the same guy!" Monica said, slapping him on the arm.

"Why?"

"Because I have a date with him!" I said, giving him a look. I wanted to know what I was exactly getting myself into...and what exactly he was like.

"REALLY?"

"YES," Monica and I said, simultaneously. We each gave Titus a look, as he began to divulge information.

"Is he a fuck boy?"

"No, he's really artsy and chill, he's really chill. But he has fucked girls before. He had this little friend with benefits that would come over and cook and clean for us."

"HELL FUCKING NO," I responded, immediately. "I can barely clean my own apartment, no way am I cleaning someone elses!"

"But that was just that girl, he has girlfriends too."

"So...which do you think he does more of?" I tried to ask, nonchalantly.

"Well, he's had two girlfriends and two "arrangements" in the time that I've known him...so I think he'd be down for either."

Great. This makes things so much easier for me. Titus noticed the look on my face, and asked, "Blair, do you not want to date him?"

"I don't know what I want!" I admitted. I really didn't. I was over the break up, and I had begun to forget a lot of things about Chuck, and I had missed none of the things about Chuck, but that didn't mean that I was ready to be committed again. I was free, and happy, but that didn't mean that I only wanted casual sex either. I just wanted to go on dates and figure things out!

"Then ask him what he wants and find out! I really think that he's down for either, you just can't change your mind halfway through the middle. Because it upsets him and confuses him."

Great.

"Like that girl who he was friends with benefits with, halfway through the middle she said she wanted a relationship, and then she changed her mind...and then she changed it again!"

"Okay, so I've got it--I have to figure out what I want, and then not change my mind once I've decided."

"EXACTLY, and then you two will be perfectly fine."