"Looking back, of course, it was irresponsible, mad, forlorn, idiotic, but if you don't take chances then you'll never have a winning hand, and I've no regrets."
-Bernard Cornwell

One of the pettiest things I have ever done in my entire life was covering Johnny's door with lube after he dumped me, and made a total fool out of me. He had gone on and on about how I was this lovesick little puppy, and in my defense, I was actually truthfully. I'll never admit it, but sometimes, the stupidest and craziest things I've done in my life, were in reaction to being hurt.

When Romney got a girlfriend after running away from committing to me, when Rafael never answered my texts and ghosted me, I had done something ridiculously stupid and irresponsible, of the drunk texting sort.

And I hadn't given it any thought, until I had this feeling today, one that told me to find out what actually happened between Rafael and I. What Drunk Blair had actually snapchatted to Rafael on Valentine's Day, and what the truth was. Maybe it was because of the newfound truth bombs I was dropping everywhere (telling Zayn that we were never fucking again, dumping Tinder Guy #3, etc), but I just wanted to know the truth about Rafael and I. And I know it was a stupid thought, but I also knew that I would wonder what I had sent him, for a little while.

Blair: I want to know what I drunk snapchatted you last Sunday. Like I get it, you wanted to fuck, and you got to fuck, but I'm actually curious.

He read my message, and said nothing. Typical.

Blair: And you can laugh at how stupid I was, I was super stupid.
Rafael: Dude chill. I have no idea what you snapped me. I don't have you on snap so I didn't receive it.

And that was the end of that. I started to take notes, when, suddenly, my phone went off.

Rafael: And yes, you can be mad at me all you want. The funny thing is that I never planned on ignoring you and not hitting you up. I was gonna honor the whole date thing. Why not? But then you send some psycho ass text. And continue to text me shit insulting me. Whatever though, thanks for letting me know I dodged a bullet from the beginning.

And as comebacks came to my mind, I started typing furiously, and then erased everything that I had typed. Yes, he was being hyperbolic and exaggerating what actually happened, and yes, I could have torn him to shreds, but it wasn't about that. I was getting too old for petty bullshit like this. And in my heart, I knew exactly what I needed to do. There was no Willa goading me to do the right thing, like two years ago, I just knew what I had to do. It was part of growing up, and realizing that you can't pull the same petty shit anymore.

Blair: I'm not even mad at you, I'm honestly mad at myself because I was childish AF. Sorry for the overreacting and for the drunk texts, shit happens.

I didn't castrate Rafael, I didn't rip him to shreds, I just took the high route. And maybe eighteen year old Blair would have had a fit if she knew I did this to a fuck boy, but maybe, she would have been impressed at how much she matured. I sat there for a moment after, wondering what could have happened between Rafael and I.

Would we have been a thing? Could we have actually been something?

My heart felt heavy for a moment, as I analyzed all these situations inside of my head. And as much as I wanted to pretend that this was still an option, I knew in my heart that the ending with Rafael had disappeared long ago, when that book closed. But, truthfully, a gut feeling inside of me told me that this wasn't going to be the end.

Oh, Blair

"She is brazen and sure. She's driven, yet wild. Innocent, yet feisty. Scheming, and frankly, bossy. Imaginative, sassy … and a little bit drunk. Yeah, she'll probably blame it all on that last one." 

-green and yellow

I think the moment I realized that this whole online dating thing was a load of shit was when the third tinder guy kissed me, and I had felt absolutely nothing. My friends had judged me pretty hardcore, Tinder Guy #3 seemed like a pretty great deal- he dressed well, he was conventionally attractive, a first year med school student, AND Louis Romney's rival. It seemed like he was everything that I was supposed to want, kind of like Ted, but in reality, there was just no fire, passion, or chemistry. And even though Tinder Guy #3 thought that I would have ended up in his bed, I actually ended up in Zayn's.

I could go into extreme detail about how it happened, and everything. Or I could just say that we fucked, which is what I'm going to do. I FUCKED ZAYN.

ZAYN, as in Chuck's motherfucking boss, Zayn. Zayn, as in the supervisor for my ex boyfriend, Zayn. That Zayn.

And if it didn't make things any more awkward, it wasn't the world's best sex. I wasn't going to hold it against him- the guy was nervous, and hadn't done anything in like six years, but it was overall, terrible. And I completely lied, because I wasn't some heartless wench! I told him it was pretty good, reinstated that we were friends, and then awkwardly fistbumped him, because I definitely didn't want him to kiss me good bye. I grabbed my polka dotted pixie pants, my chic white blouse, and then walk of shamed my ass back to my apartment.

And as I went on with my life, I couldn't stop and think of how incredibly awkward I felt about this whole thing. I definitely wasn't going to have sex with Zayn again, and I definitely felt totally weird about all of this. Had fucking become such a meaningless thing to me, that I would just YOLO it and fuck Zayn? I definitely got caught up in the moment, but I didn't feel anything. It wasn't like fucking Rafael, or fucking Jake Reagen, or Chuck, it was honestly, nothing. It's just kind of left me feeling really awkward, and kind of like I'm a shit friend.

The rest of the day though..

I woke up, with a new attitude and a newfound happiness. I was going to focus on myself, and be, essentially, a boss ass bitch. I had never been the sad, lonely single friend, but now, that was going to be even more blatantly obvious. I guess, in a way, after all the shitty dates and guy's hearts I've broken, I've learned that I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Boyfriends are easy to find. I'm looking for someone special. It's hard to explain, apparently, since no one seems to get what I'm trying to describe, but I want to have insane chemistry with someone. I want to love someone so much that it hurts, and be absolutely head over heels. I want to feel chemistry, fire, and passion, and I know it exists, because I've felt it before. I've even felt it after Chuck- so I definitely know it exists.

Chuck, Romney, Rafael.

And before that- Haz, Jake Reagen, Sexy Drake.

Wait a fucking second.

Chuck Cuevas- thought he was the love of my life, spontaneously dumped me, kind of expected me to wait for his ass to be ready for a relationship.

Haz Krystal- thought he was the love of my life, spontaneously cheated on me, kind of expected me to wait for his ass to be ready for a relationship.

Louis Romney- thought he was going to be a legit thing, was the first guy I actually had feelings for after my break up with Chuck, and thought he was super handsome and dapper. Spent Winter Break 2016 pining for him. He definitely wasn't serious, and dipped out.

Jake Reagen- thought he was going to be a legit thing, was the first guy I actually had feelings for after my break up with Haz, and thought he was super handsome and dapper. Spent Summer Break 2014 pining for him. He definitely wasn't serious, and dipped out.

OKAY GUYS THAT'S NOT ALL

Rafael Mancilla- actually totally saw potential in him despite his douchieness, he acted super interested in me, we hooked up, and then he ghosted me.

Sexy Drake- actually totally saw potential in him despite his douchieness, he acted super interested in me, we hooked up, and then he ghosted me.

No more casually banging guys, no more Tinder. And as I deleted that stupid flame app icon (SERIOUSLY, TINDER? You started NO flames for me), I was relieved. No more ridiculous guys, no more terrible dates, and no more sex. I want something special, and I want something real, and this isn't how you find it.

And maybe I'm a little bit too much, and maybe I'm ridiculously sassy, too bold, and too blunt. And maybe, I'm picky as fuck and I'm sometimes a little bit messy, but there's this crazy feeling telling me that something amazing is about to happen.

The Day After Valentine's Day

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

-Marilyn Monroe

"What did you text him?" Johnny said, as we stood in the lobby of our building. The poor girl at the front desk just stared at us, enthralled by my story.

"I said, 'Romney, you're an asshole and old and I hate you.' and then, I said, 'I've been day drinking.'" I admitted, as I shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh my god, Blair, holy shit," Johnny laughed. "And what did he say to that?"

"He was like, 'Blair I'm going to have to ask you to stop messaging me.' And I said, 'I understand that I was immature but I was drunk. I'll be polite to you in the building, but I don't really want to be friends with you because you suck.'" Johnny's jaw dropped to the ground, as my answer came out.

"Holy shit."

"So, needless to say, Romney and I are not going to talk to each other anymore."

"Okay, so what about that date?"

"Basically, we met up, he ate 1/3 of his meal, stared awkwardly and waited for me to finish. Then, when I asked him what was next, he responded, 'Back to my place.' I said, 'I don't think so.' And he said, 'Let's just go.' He came off like a fuck boy, and as soon as I got up to leave the restaurant, I texted Casey and Zayn to call me, and get me a way out. Casey called pretending that her boyfriend cheated on her, and for the entire walk home I stayed on the phone with her. And then when we got to his lobby, I was like, 'Fuck! What if he tries to kiss me?' So I called Casey back, and when she didn't pick up, I called Chuck and he pretended to be Casey."

"How did he come off like a fuck boy?" Johnny said, looking at me. He has always thought that I was extremely picky, and I knew this was coming.

"He told me he fucked a sixteen year old when he was twenty two."

Johnny's jaw nearly fell off.

"WHAT?!"

"Johnny, he-"

"He just brought this up? You guys weren't talking about sex or anything?"

I gave him a look. "NO, he told me this story." I proceeded to tell Johnny all of the smarmy details, and he shook his head.

"I'm sorry your date sucked....but mine went really well!"

-

"Wow, why do you keep going on all these weird dates? The only normal date you've told me about is the one where you and that guy had no chemistry and you laughed and went to 7-11," Zayn said, as I sat in his apartment.

"Yeah, I don't really know, Zayn. Why don't you find out and you can tell me. I'm a lonely bitch, and I'm going to eat carbs by myself and watch Netflix, because I am perpetually single." I said, as I looked over at the heels on the floor.

"Oh COME ON, Blair, you've been single for like what, three months?"

I nodded.

"When was the last time you were single- not talking to a guy or ANYTHING?" Zayn asked.

"Last week."

"NOPE, because you gave up on Rafael and met Ezra the exact same day...WHAT!"

We hung out, as in we scrolled through Tinder and laughed, laughed at my OK Cupid messages, and honestly, just hung out. Zayn was a cool guy.

"Aren't you supposed to be in your yoga leggings and comfy right now?" Zayn asked, looking at me.

"I already am," I pulled up my top to reveal the aqua and coral floral print band. "I literally put no effort into this date," I admitted, as Zayn and I laughed. "You know, you're one of the few guys I can hang out with without them trying anything weird."

"But I would try something weird, Blair, the two of us would be in my room, and I'd be like, 'Blair, I'm going to change into something more comfortable,' and I'd come back with like, more clothes on, or like my Batman onsie, and you'd be like, 'Zayn, why are you so weird?'"

I laughed, and smiled. "Yeah, but you wouldn't try anything like, sexual," I said.

Zayn and I had met last year when he was Chuck's supervisor, but we had grown closer in recent months. He was genuinely a good friend, and I was learning more and more about him, since we had become friends.

Saturday and Valentine's Day

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle."
-Marilyn Monroe

On Saturday I woke up on Johnny's couch to an explosion of text messages. Serena, Casey, Audrey, Kayresia, Regina, Zayn, Chuck, Yael, everyone.

I had plans that day to go to Kayresia's birthday dinner, and also to hang out with Audrey. Serena had ended up rescheduling for that Sunday. After shopping with Audrey at Target, and being asked out by a random guy (I had said yes), I decided to go work out before the big dinner. I sported my yoga leggings and favorite pale aqua tank, and headed off to the rec center. And as soon as I walked in, there Johnny was, running on the treadmill.

As we walked on the treadmill, we both talked about our plans.

"So he literally just asked out out in Target?" Johnny said, as he grabbed his water bottle.

"Yup, he came up to me. He's 24, an algorithmic trader, and he lives downtown. And Audrey's boujie ass nearly scared him off, but somehow, it worked out."

"So Target's the place to meet people, huh?" Johnny laughed, as I pulled the band of my leggings up.

"Yup, apparently. We should go, I can be your wing woman."

"That wouldn't work, Blair, people would think that we're dating or something."

"No fucking way, Johnny, you're old and I'm a hot piece of ass." I laughed, pointing at my newly sculpted booty. Johnny and I had dated two years ago, when I was eighteen and when he was twenty six. Back then he had a six pack, and looked young and well, hot. Med school had taken its toll on him, because now Johnny was old, kinda flabby, and acted like his body was falling apart.

"You don't think I could get a young girl?" Johnny asked, a bit offended.

"No, Johnny, because you're past your prime." He was twenty eight, and honestly, when he was twenty six he wasn't necessarily at his prime either. I had seen pictures of him in high school....Johnny used to be hot.

We laughed about what had happened, and he was on his way out. I did my pilates for the day, and as I walked out of the gym, there he was, the asshole-ness oozing out of his pores.

Romney walked in, tight shorts and shirt, and all. His arms were muscular, and you could just sense his abs from under his shirt. Although I couldn't stand Romney, he was hot, and I couldn't pretend otherwise.

"What are you doing here?" Romney asked, laughing. He looked at me, in complete disbelief. Had someone told him that the gym was the safe zone from Blair Bui? Like the green zone?

"I actually go to the gym every day," I responded, snippily. How fucking rude. Just because I lived a sedentary lifestyle before I started going, doesn't mean that I'm out of shape! I left out the detail that I honestly did not go every day- I tried to go every day, but then my body basically fell apart and I decided up having to take a rest week. I was overworking myself.

ANYWAYS,

"Oh really?" Romney asked me, in disbelief. Stupid Hot Romney being hot and stupid.

"REALLY. I run and do pilates," I tooched my booty a bit, as if it were a reflex.

"Are you done with your work out?" Romney asked, curiously.

"Maybe, I'm at the point where I'm deciding if I want to do more." That was a lie, I was at the point where I was going to prove Romney wrong.

"Oh, well I'm about to go do some videos."

"P90X?" I asked, pretending not to know the answer. Romney was such a douche bag about his P90x, I'm pretty sure the mailmain for the zip code in Nebraska knew that Romney did fucking P90x.

"Yeah, you're welcome to join me, if you want."

"Okay," I said, walking with him. He looked at me, in even more disbelief than when I told him that I had worked out every day. "What? You think I can't handle it?"

"They're pretty intense."

We walked a little bit more, before he turned and looked at me. "Actually, I'm going to warm up on the elliptical for a while."

WARM UP ON THE ELLIPTICAL?!? FOR P90X?!

"I kind of had a plan, Blair."

"Well, part of being young and spontaneous is changing your plans for whatever happens."

"We know I'm not either of those things."

"Yeah, but I'm young."

"I think that young implies stupid," Romney said, looking at me.

"Yeah, well I'm young, and we both know I'm not stupid," I said, glaring at him.

"You're younger."

He got up on the elliptical and started working out.

"How's your lady friend?" I asked, politely. I made sure to shoot him a smug, sly, seductive look that said, "you could have had this."

"She's doing well, you know tomorrow's Valentine's day." AKA, he wanted to remind me that I'm a lonely bitch.

"What are your plans?" I asked.

"Flowers, dinner, the usual," Romney responded, cockily. "Just go do whatever, I'll find you after my warm up," he added, emphasizing that the elliptical was his warm up.

I walked away, down the stairs, and straight out the door out of the gym.

-

"SO YOU JUST LEFT HIM IN THE GYM?!" Serena said, nearly dropping her piece of pork into her ramen.

"Okay, so what happened was that I told myself that I'm too old to do petty shit like this anymore, and so I texted him and told him that I had left."

"We have matured so much."

Serena and I had a lovely lunch with her boyfriend, we went to the Vitamin Vault Walgreens, got donuts at Stan's, and we went to my favorite bar.

And then I woke up in my bed, hung over as fuck, at 9 pm. I remember drinking mimosas and Stellas, and having a ridiculous amount of Jell-O shots. Somehow I made it home, and somehow I found a half eaten donut inside my purse.

I checked my phone, to see that Rafael had screenshotted my Snapchat message, and to see a message from Romney.

What the fuck had I done?

Friday Night

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.”
-Marilyn Monroe

 As I walked into Zayn's apartment, he looked at me, slightly laughing at my flustered state.

"I'm going to take my heels off now, and tell you about everything that's been going on."

-

The beginning of this saga starts at a 7-11 a block from Ezra's apartment, after a completely failed date. We had no chemistry, and as he offered to walk me down to the lobby, I pulled my shoes on.

"Uh, it's okay, I can walk myself down," I said awkwardly.

"Are you sure? I mean I can-"

"No, it's fine, I got it." I pulled my boots up higher and got up. "Can I have my coat?"

As Ezra awkwardly walked back with my coat, he stood, held my coat, and looked at me, seriously.

"I don't want to lead you on or anything, but I just don't feel anything romantic, like you're really attractive and nice, but I don't feel anything."

"Good, because I feel the exact same way," I said, flipping my hair a bit. He looked at me as if I had completely broken his confidence, and let's face it, I probably did. He thought that he was this bad ass guy for "rejecting" me, and he didn't- we both weren't into each other.

I stood up, slightly tooching my booty and giving him my best seductive look, "We can still be friends though, of course, I just don't think we'd work out. Our personalities are too different," I said, coyly. I had stolen this break up right from under him.

"You're really nice and-"

"Just stop right there," I said, giving him a look, and interrupting him. "That's the speech you give ugly girls, and we both here are just not interested in each other."

"NO, no, you're really attractive, trust me, you're like super attractive. I don't even know how this happened," he said, gesturing at the two of us.

He took one step closer, "I still think you're really hot though," he said, awkwardly.

Was he really trying to fuck me?

"Well, I think it's time for me to go," I said, as I grabbed my coat and my purse.

"I can call you an uber or something," he suggested.

"It's okay, I got this."

I decided after that terrible date, that snacks were needed. specifically, gelato and flaming hot cheetos with nacho cheese. I called Yael and told him about my terrible date, and Johnny too.

-

I went over to Johnny's apartment after, and after an extremely terrible sexual encounter, we decided that the whole friends with benefits thing is no more, but we still are of course, very good friends.

"Blair, I love talking to you, because every time I do, I think to myself, this girl is going places, and I respect you as a friend, not just as a hot girl," Johnny said, as we sat on his couch.

"That's so sweet, but we are definitely not having sex," I said, as I fell asleep on his couch.

Bananas

"This shit is BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
-Gwen Stefani

I had been texting Ezra, and as I walked to visit Regina at work, I stopped completely in my tracks. Sashaying towards me, was Louis Romney.

"Was he always that short?" I thought to myself, as he walked closer. It was unmistakably him, Republican navy v-neck sweater, slacks, grandpa loafers, and all. Did he ever dress just casually?

He spotted me, said hello, and then turned around, stopping to talk to me. I looked at him, side eye and all, it was only until he was standing right in front of me that I realized that this idiot was holding a fucking banana. A FUCKING BANANA.

"Hey, Blair, how are you?" He asked, as he shoved the banana in his mouth.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

And then suddenly, I remembered something.

"Your friend's cute, set me up with him!" I said, looking at Louis. He looked at me, shocked, and I swear you guys, he nearly choked on that banana chunk in his mouth.

"Who, Muhammad?" Louis laughed awkwardly after that, as I probably made an involuntary bitch face.

"No, the one in your picture!" I took out Facebook on my phone, and showed him.

"OH, you're friends with Jason?"

Could he not understand English, or what?

"No, he's cute."

"OH, so you want me to set you up with him," Louis said, while completely judging me in the process. What did he care? He missed his chance to date me, and his friend was really cute and single.

As we said good bye, he gave me a judgy look, and then walked away.

"Regina did you-"

"Blair, I watched you guys in the reflection of the windows and eavesdropped on everything, and when he walked past here I wanted to throw a stapler at him."

"I know, I'm a savage bitch," I laughed, pulling out my phone from my bag. Another text from Ezra.

"I don't blame you, his friend's hot."

New Year, New Men

Blair Bui's Men of January- a complete list and time frame, plus analysis.

Louis Romney (January 2nd-January 9th)- The republican, classist, sexist twenty nine year old fuckboy that made me think that we were going to be serious, and in a genuine relationship. He was a continuation of the "dating" we did from December 2nd to December 16th). The most notable thing about him was that he was "soooooo serious" that he gave me a $200 cashmere sweater (that I should have kept, tbh), and then proceeded to run away during a work dinner that I had when Kayresia asked him how serious he was. He was not.

Ted Chang (January 9th-January 18th)- The architect that was too fucking serious for me. He was weird, and hands down the worst person that I have ever slept with. HE is my "courtesy removal" (the one guy you can remove from your list of partners, then reducing your count by ONE. You will have never slept with them, once decided that they are a courtesy removal). He was really annoying, really weird, and honestly, the worst. All of this was clouded by the fact that he had a dope ass apartment, and a car. I miss the car. Anyways, most notable thing about him was that he was the most annoying human in the entire world in The Art Institute, and proceeded to repulse the fuck out of me when he didn't know what pointillism was, and embarrass me in front of tiny children.

Chuck Cuevas (January 18th-January 25th)- The quite possibly insane, "love" of my life, ex-boyfriend that I was potentially going to get back together with. We both decided it would be best to stay friends, as he is going to essentially be alone, and riding solo. I could go on endlessly, but I won't. Most notable thing about him is that yesterday morning, he kicked me the fuck out of his apartment. BAM.

Johnny Belcher (throughout the very beginning of January)- Johnny doesn't even really count, because he wasn't a romantic interest. he was my friend with benefits.


REALLY FEBRUARY, But I'll Consider it January


Rafael Mancilla (January 31st-February 9th)- Long story short, he was this hot guy that I met on Tinder, he was funny, cute, and charming. He magically had kidney problems, cancelled our first date. We met up regardless, accidentally slept together, and then he ghosted me. Most notable thing about him was that he joked about ghosting me, and then actually did it. Funny how that works.