“I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, Ellen, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.” 

-Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

-

Chuck: Blair, you aren't broke.... you just have to budget. Just don't spend a thousand fucking dollars in a month and you will be fine.

I am fiscally responsible- I am very fiscally responsible. Except Audrey is super luxe and hanging out with her comes at a very high, high price. But after I had my mini meltdown (one of many to come), Chuck actually sat down and budgeted (and calculated) for me, how much I can spend after paying for housing and tuition. He had come through, which had totally surprised me, but I knew not to let my guard down- how could I after everything that has happened between the two of us?

Work has been stressful- due to the nature of my occupation and HIPPA and whatnot, I'm not allowed to fully disclose details about everything...but trust me, it's been stressful. So, of course, I needed to relax. With a terrible love life, a stressful job, and other problems attacking me like a rabid Pokemon, I had planned a nice little taco dinner with Kayresia, and a relaxation night. I was going to give myself a blow out, and do a face mask.

However, I was woken up from my nap by a phone call.

"Blair, I'm going to have to cancel...Matthew is in the hospital and so is Titus," Kayresia said.

"Can I come with?"

-

As I sat in the hospital, I tried to distract myself. I literally threw on my high waisted jeans, a bright pink blouse, my red flats (Kate Spade colors!) and pulled my tortoiseshell sunglasses on my head, like a Blair Waldorf headband.

Titus and Matthew were seeing the doctors, and as Kayresia and I sat and waited, I couldn't help but think to myself- life is too damn short. Things happen so unexpectedly, so randomly, and completely without any notice. But that's part of the adventure, and it's what keeps things interesting. Meeting some of the most special people in my life, they were the most unexpected and spontaneous things that happened. I never thought that I'd meet Serena in the way I did, or Kayresia in the way I did.

And even though I don't like admitting it- Chuck caught me completely off guard, and I was really surprised by him.

You know, old Chuck that was sweet and considerate, not the quasi-insane asshole that threw me in a ditch.

And life is unexpected, and you can't just go around stressing about things. So, I put on some liquid lipstick, took a deep breath, and pretended that one of my closest friends wasn't back there practically dying from some bad Mexican food.

The two of us stayed there until 3 am, when we finally headed home...and got I a few hours of sleep before work.

-

I had been running around all day like a chicken with her head cut off, it had been one of the most stressful days at work, and I was completely ready to just go home and take a nice, long nap. It was truthfully exhausting, and as I sat down, I got a text.

Nash: What time do you want to meet up?

Oh, fuck.

I had completely forgotten that he had begged asked me to go on another "hang out," and in my desperation to avoid confrontation, I had agreed.

"Blair, be strong," I told myself, There was no benefit in dragging myself on this date, with this guy that I was completely uninterested in. It would just be more conflict and time wasted.

Blair: I don't think this is going to work out, sorry. I'm not going to waste either of our time.
Nash: Alright. So did you want to reschedule for another day? Or are you more or less referring to hanging out in general as friends?

Of course I didn't want to reschedule, and of course the two of us couldn't hang out as friends! I had been down this road before, and I could forsee myself losing my shit on a train platform, just like with Johnson Baker. And so, in typical Blair Bui fashion, I came up with a thinly veiled and completely preposterous excuse.

Blair: Well my ex is coming back and he's been thinking about things so we're getting back together.

Total lie.

Total complete and utter fucking lie.

I know, y'all, I'm the worst.

Nash: Okay, that's good. I mean, you two do love each other and working about what decision to make won't be the case anymore.

I looked at the text, and rolled my eyes. I don't love Chuck Cuevas. I mean, that would be stupid to do- he after all, smashed my heart into fifty million pieces and is completely not ready for a relationship.

I pushed the thoughts out of my head, as I had a lot to do at work that day.

-

I ran around the building, and as the pressed the elevator button, and got on, Louis Romney stood there, stupid crazy hot and all. If seeing Louis Romney irritated me to this extent, I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like when Chuck got back from Mexico. I stared at Louis Romney for a brief second, until it hit me that I looked like a complete and utter mess.

I had a messy bun because my hair was unwashed, my red hipster frames as I did not put on makeup, and a completely random outfit I threw on at six am.

"Hey," I said, breaking the silence.

"Hey Blair, how are you?"

"Super busy, running around at work stressed," I rambled, incapable of forming complete sentences.

"That's good, you're keeping yourself busy," Louis said, with a smile.

"Your," I paused and looked at him, in partial shock, as he was wearing probably the brightest and most floral printed shorts I have ever seen in my entire life, "Your shorts are so Hawaiian," I responded.

"Hahaha, yeah they are," Louis said, smiling, as I got off the elevator.

-

Blair: Hey, Louis, I have some questions about med school and applying and stuff- do you have some time this week?

AKA, my name is Blair Bui and that text reeked of thirst. And even though I sent that message, I knew that Louis Romney wasn't what I wanted, there was only one person that could give me what I wanted.

But I wasn't ready to admit or acknowledge that...at least until he got back.

The Nigerian Uber Prophet

"If you go back with an uncertain heart, there will be drama and disaster for all."

-Blair Waldorf

-

"OH MY GOD BLAIR," Janet said, laughing uncontrollably, as she shoved a turtle in her mouth. Janet was the Vice President of Operations for a partner organization at my work, and also my co-worker. See, it's not just all my readers that love hearing about my ridiculously terrible dating life, it's people in my everyday life. She held her hands over her mouth, and continued to laugh uncontrollably.

"Holy shit Blair, I can't believe you said that to him. That's probably the worst thing you could have said!"

-

"Holy crap, Blair, you are a terrible person. This poor guy," Peter said, shaking his head. He worked for the facilities at the hospitality house that I worked at. "This poor awkward guy that worked at Fannie May."

-

Kayresia looked at me, her jaw nearly dropping to the ground, cracking the tile beneath us. "What the hell, Blair?"

-

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Leonard said, laughing, as I told him the story. "YOU SAID THAT TO NASH?"

I bowed my head down a little in shame. "It's just- I panicked- and I had no idea what to do, and I normally text-reject people, and it's just...I had never rejected someone in person before! And he was just so awkward and just so into me... fuck, I'm awkward."

-

As I started to panic internally, and Nash got closer and closer, my mind must have been clouded, because I have no idea how these words came out of my mouth. Out of all the things I could have said, out of all the combinations of words that could have came out of my mouth, this is somehow, what I chose to say in this particular scenario, in my moment of completely panicking and losing my shit.

I am terrible.

As he got closer, I let out a yelp, and mumbled for a second, so it came out a little bit like this: "ER....Nash." I scooted a little bit further, "I'll still get candy if we're just friends....right?" I awkwardly smiled at the end, as if I had not said the worst thing I could have possibly said at that moment.

The sun was setting, and I could feel everyone at the beach slowly turn and look at us, as Nash looked at me, looking quite confused and highly angry.

"So you don't want this to be a date?" Nash asked, through clenched teeth. He looked mad, and it looked like he was about to go full Johnson Baker on my ass. Johnson Baker is probably a name that will go down in infamy for this blog...although we never really dated, the preposterous-ness and pretentiousness he had is something that will never be forgotten.

"No, I don't," I said, attempting from saying anything else terrible, "There's just something missing. I'm sorry."

He looked at me, nodding, although he definitely wasn't understanding what I was saying. "Something missing?"

I had a gut feeling that this was going to be a Johnson Baker situation.

"Yes, sparks, chemistry, fire, attraction." I responded.

"Blair, I just..."

Oh, fuck.

"I think there could be something really great between the two of us, I'm not going to be that guy that asks for a second chance or anything, but I really think you could grow to like me," Nash said.

I stared at him, blankly, resisting the urge to full on sprint awkwardly away. I know this is going to sound terrible, but I'm not that type of person that grows to feel sparks, I just feel them right off the bat. I did with Chuck, I did with Haz (my first college boyfriend), I did with Louis Romney and Rafael Mancilla and I've been lucky to feel those sparks. And sure, there's been plenty of nice(ish) guys out there that I didn't feel anything for, but they don't call it one in a million for nothing.

"I just-"

"You're the type of person that feels it right off the bat." He looked at me, and then quietly said, "And there's someone else."

"Okay, listen," I said, half talking to myself, and half talking to him, "Some people don't end up with the love of their lives. It happens, life happens. And sometimes you fall madly in love with someone that it makes you feel so strongly, and it makes your heart so much that you could fall apart. You love them so much that you can't imagine a life without them, and you just... you just aren't meant to feel that much or feel that strongly. So you don't end up with the love of your life." The wind blew softly, as the silence between the two of us became more prevalent.

"You know, sometimes you have to leave that behind and try to move forward-"

And even though I knew he was only saying that because he wanted me to move forward, I turned to him, and resisted the urge to push him off the goddamn bench.

"I HAVE," I said, defensively, "And it's not like I haven't felt sparks for people after him, I have... it's just no matter how much I try to run away or how much I try to ignore things-"

"You guys always find a way."

"Yeah. And I promise, I'm not that great, I'm really neurotic and crazy, I'm kind of a bitch, and I ramble a lot, and I'm... I'm really not that great!"

Nash looked at me, blankly.

"And he's really not that great, he's really immature, probably a sociopath, he handles stress terribly, and he himself is really awkward and I always wonder how I ever ended up with him, and-"

"But he's the one," Nash responded, awkwardly. "You know, this is the third time that this has happened to me."

I looked at him, trying not to audibly laugh. "I'm really sorry, that stinks."

"Well, I still think that we should give it another try," Nash said, "I'm not trying to be that guy that asks for a second chance-"

BUT HE WAS. I looked at him, daggers and all. He was being that guy, he was being that guy who completely ignored what had transpired between the two of us, and could not get over the fact that I did not want to date him!

Why was it such a common fucking trope in my love life for guys to ask for a second chance?

To be completely honest, I wasn't even completely saying that I even wanted to get back with Chuck's whack ass, I kind of just went along with it because it was making him go away! Chuck.. I'm just so unsure about him and so uncertain that I don't even want to consider him as an option.

"In letting go and moving on you might find-"

Yeah, in letting go of Chuck's whack ass and moving on with someone that is not you, Nash.

"Yeah, with someone else. I just don't feel anything romantic with you. I'm sorry." I repeated myself, once again, feeling like I was dealing with another man child. Why couldn't he just get it through his thick skull that I never wanted to see him again? This wasn't how relationships and life worked...I wasn't just going to wake up one morning wanting the Fannie May Nash D.

"I don't think-"

"You never know, it could be something really great," Nash said, not pausing for a breath.

Now, I don't really know what happened next, or I may have suppressed that part of my memory, but whatever I said or whatever look I gave him, Nash looked straight at me, and moved away for a second, before saying, "What about this? We'll just be friends, and hang out on Tuesday like planned..."

I did not like the sound of this.

"Nash, listen, this makes me nervous and anxious and awkward, because when I'm not-"

"See, and there won't be any pressure or anything because we'll just be hanging out as friends!" Nash looked at me, expectantly, as I sat there, contemplating if he could catch up to me, if I ran away.

"Okay.. I guess."

Nash insisted on walking me home, which made things increasingly awkward. As soon as I saw Leonard, I dashed right to him, said good bye to Nash, and then the two of us left.

-

Leonard looked at me, as we sat in Portillo's, fully processing the entire story that I told him, as I dipped some more fries in cheese sauce.

"You guys are going to get back together," he said, "You and your ex that is."

I shook my head. "Hell fucking no."

"I mean, think about it- he's loyal because he hasn't dated anyone but you, even after you guys broke up. He understands his faults and is fully aware of them, and is working on fixing them. He's been there for you, and he obviously really cares about me."

I let out a little chuckle at the thought of Chuck Cuevas caring about anything except for his laminar flow hood thing.

"He comes back and from what you told me, you two were talking."

"KIND OF TALKING," I said, correcting him. Sure, Chuck and I had texted once in a while here and there, but there was nothing worth fighting for, because to be completely honest, Chuck was in his own sort of denial, where he didn't show the tiniest bit of attraction or affection.

"I mean, we internationally sexted kind of sort of last week, but not really- but you can't build a relationship on uncertainty!" I responded, grabbing another fry.

"AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS LET ME GO ON A DATE WITH NASH."

"Okay, Blair, I didn't want to ruin his chances, I just wanted to be nice! And you ended up finding out for yourself that he's awkward as hell."

-

At the end of the night, I said good bye to Leonard, got in my Uber, and closed the door. The two of us were planning on hanging out later that week, and this night had ended up better than I thought it would. I ended up walking into that store on that day to meet a great guy- not Nash, but Leonard.

"How was your night?" The Uber driver asked me, in a thick African accent. He smiled at me, in a knowing kind of way.

"It was alright, I went on a date with a guy... I didn't like him."

"Why not?" He asked, curiously, as he made a turn on Ohio Street. I pulled one of the chocolates out of the bag that Leonard handed me, and took a bite.

"We just didn't have sparks or chemistry, or magic... he was a nice guy, but just... not what I'm looking for."

"And what are you looking for, young lady?"

I paused for a moment, and thought about it. What exactly was I looking for?

"Well," I paused, "I'm looking for someone who is well educated, intelligent, funny, sweet, caring, thoughtful, considerate- a great conversationalist with a great sense of humor."

The Uber driver smiled at me, and nodded. "This is what I have for you- love doesn't happen when you force it, it happens when you least expect it. It happens when you don't think it will- and these are the relationships that last. So go out with your friends, it's summer, go to parties, concerts, festivals, and it'll happen when it's right." He turned, and faced me, giving me a kind smile. "A beautiful young woman like you will definitely find love."

And as he pulled up to the curb to pick someone else up, he turned on the radio, and Hello by Adele started playing, instantly reminding me of the last time I heard that song.***

***January 18th, 2016, the first time that Chuck and I almost got back together.

Blair Bui Is Terrible

“The right thing isn't always real obvious. Sometimes the right thing for one person is the wrong thing for someone else. So...good luck figuring that out.”

-Stephenie Meyer, Twilight

-

"And then he showed up in that sweatshirt and jeans, and my coworker was like, 'oh my god...what is he wearing? And she's in that cute dress and denim jacket and shoes...and he's in a sweatshirt!' And I told her, 'I know.. that's what I said!'" Leonard said, as he swirled some of his multicolored pasta around his fork.

I shook my head, and nodded. "I know...I can't believe I went on a date with him. I can't believe you didn't tell me how awkward he was!"

"OKAY, I was trying to give him a chance, and you didn't need me to find out that he was weird and awkward- you found that out for yourself, see?"

Leonard looked at me. "I still can't believe you gave him your number- I thought you were going to say no."

"I know, after he asked so blatantly..."

"Okay, but what happened on this date?"

-

Nash walked into the candy store, as Leonard and I stood there, unimpressed. He was over half an hour late, and when he showed up, he looked like he had rolled out of bed and came over. Leonard gave me a look, and then gave me another once over of my outfit. I had chosen a cute floral dress, strappy sandals, and a jean jacket for this date- it was after all, just a casual walk on the beach.

Although he looked like a total scrub, I just gave Nash a polite smile, and we continued to walk down the street. I said good bye to Leonard, although I had a gut feeling that I would be seeing him sooner than our anticipated plans on Wednesday.

Okay, there is a conflict that I always have as a blogger- to share unnecessary details to paint a colorful picture, or to just flat out say things to skip the extraneous explaining. And right now, I am wondering if I should paint a picture about how awkward as fuck Nash was, or to just flat out say it. Nash was awkward- he was extremely awkward, and after about twenty minutes or so of forced conversation, I immediately knew that there was something missing.

Now, I won't go into extreme detail, because is a whole blog post about what I'm looking for. So, I will just extract a quote from that lovely little post, "That something is the force between you and another person.There's so many words for it- fire, chemistry, sparks, magic, and we each have a different name for it, and we each feel it in different ways. But what's the same for each and every person, is that when you're with someone, and you feel that fire, it's completely and utterly undeniable."

And I did not feel that fire with Nash. It wasn't just because he was so awkward that it made me want to call Leonard and a spy helicopter to swoop me up into the sky, it was just that something was off. There was a fire, attraction, and sparks missing between the two of us. And I don't believe that you should have to grow to like someone, that you should learn to love them. Things should be like "HELL YAAASS," from the beginning. You should be like, "hell yes," about them, from the very beginning. They should make you so excited for every date and make your heart skip a beat when they text you- not so incredibly awkward that you feel awkward as fuck.

Nash talked about how he was uninterested in fashion (translation: dressed terribly), had strange interests (was kind of a weirdo), and wanted to go into Communications because he had people skills (translation: he was really freaking awkward). It wasn't that he wasn't a nice guy- he really was! He was just really awkward and we were incompatible.

Okay, and really, really weird.

Okay, I did not like him at all.

He told me that he practiced acoustic guitar every day for two hours, and that he practiced sign language every day, as he was teaching himself. I think that these two things would have been immensely attractive if it was any other guy but him. He also added that he had a beeper.... a beeper that went off whenever his nerd cave roommates wanted to communicate with him, and to remind him to take vitamins. Vitamins that he didn't he didn't know the purpose of... who takes vitamins and doesn't know what they do?!

Low key, because I felt my usual kind of anxious awkwardness, I tried to keep talking to him, and tried to keep pretending like everything was okay, even though my heart and mind screamed, "Bitch you don't fucking like him!"

As Nash grasped at straws to find things to ask me to keep things rolling, that feeling in my gut got worse and worse, until low key, I had a mini meltdown.

"What about your guy friends?" Nash had asked me, completely unsuspecting, and completely harmless and innocent to what I was about to say.

AND CAN I JUST CLARIFY THAT I AM TERRIBLE WHEN IT COMES TO REJECTION.

Y'ALL, I had to get Zayn to text-dump Johnson for me that one time! I only was able to dump Derek (tbh I just had to search for his name right now because he was so unmemorable) was because I was able to do it over text like a terrible human being! And yeah, I knew that I had to tell Nash that I didn't feel anything, but I low key just wanted to survive this date and then run away, to be honest.

So, because of all of the anxious awkward wanting to run away feels, this answer somehow came out of my mouth.

"Okay, so like two years ago or so, I met this guy. He was really nerdy and awkward and cute and I fell madly in love with him even though I didn't think he was my type. And then we broke up spontaneously and I was devastated because I thought he was the love of my life and that we were going to be together forever," I rambled, as I turned to Nash.

He was nodding, as if I had said something very significant, and not completely rambled and not answered the question he asked me at all.

"ANYWAYS," I said, continuing to ramble, "I was rebounding and I dated this architect and I DID NOT LIKE HIM. Holy fuck did I not like him- he was such a neanderthal and we had nothing in common. FUCK."

I paused for a moment, and then continued, "Anyways, I kept going on dates with him even though I really, really didn't like him, and we'd always go to the movies because then I could ignore him and not talk to him! But then I hit my breaking point when he said the stupidest shit about pointillism and I wanted security to just take him away because I couldn't stand him anymore because I DIDN'T LIKE HIM." I looked over at Nash, who was still not phased that the seemingly normal girl he asked out was losing her shit, slowly.

"I just couldn't tell him that I didn't like him!" I gasped, continuing this train wreck, "And my guy friends had to tell me to just fucking say something. And then I went on the date with the guy that followed me twenty blocks and I had to tell him I didn't like him, especially after he awkwardly kissed me and I practically sprinted away, but I just couldn't do it. IT'S HARD."

"It is hard," Nash said, nodding. He smiled awkwardly, which only told me one of two things-

1. He definitely liked my whack ass.
2. I was going to have to flat out tell him the truth. I wouldn't be able to make it to the end of the date.

"It's hard and I'm bad with confrontation, holy fuck I'm terrible with confrontation. And I had to get my friend Zayn to text this guy for me and tell him that I didn't like it. I couldn't even do it- SOMEONE ELSE HAD TO!" 

Nash opened his mouth to say something, as I continued my rambling. "I mean, it's hard and I just couldn't and I just- it's hard, okay?" I yammered, as Nash nodded. And as I looked at him, I came to the depressing realization that he didn't fully process what was going on. My thinly veiled freak out was not apparent, and my obvious rejection of him was not glimmering beneath the terrible, but concise anecdotes.

"I can't wait till you see what I have planned on Tuesday," Nash said. Was he just incapable of drawing conclusions or was he just madly in lust with me?

As we continued walking, and my anxiety and nervousness worsened, Nash was grasping at straws to make conversation, as my extremely nervous and awkward Blair Bui-ness was coming out.

I am brazen, sassy, assertive, fiercely independent, and strong. But there is a certain Blair Bui awkward nervousness that comes out when I am around guys that I do not like- especially ones that I know I have to eventually reject. In a pitiful attempt to last until the end of the date, although I never want to see them ever again, I do this thing there I laugh nervous and yammer on. It is super apparent and clear as hell to everyone around the guy that I am trying to distance myself from.

So, as Nash attempted to converse, I continued to laugh and yammer awkwardly, because I was getting increasingly nervous. And the stupid look on his face just told me that he thought that our date was going swimmingly.

And as we sat on that bench on Oak Street Beach, as the sun was setting and the wind was blowing in my hair, the waves gently caressing the shore, Nash turned to look at me, and started moving a little bit closer. And that was when my flight or fight kicked in.

The Sad Spinster Lady With Mint Meltaways

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” 

-Linda Grayson 

-

After walking out of the plaza, I walked a few blocks until Fannie May appeared out of no where. I had this gut feeling telling me to go stop by, although I really should not have had chocolate. I walked in, looking at the chocolates, and also, noticing a pretty cute guy.

He was geeky attractive, or nerdy hot. Tall, messy brown hair, and also pretty cool. I sneakily checked him out, and talked to him, trying to be nonchalantly cute as we conversed. The blow out that I had gotten from Drybar had completely melted from the walk on the beach- the sea breeze had completely straightened my hair out. But, I like to think that I still looked pretty cute in my high waisted jeans, sage green blouse, and loose light brown cardigan. (Oh and low key, my white Birkenstocks- which I think I looked cute in!) Very model off-duty.

In the time it had taken his co-worker to ring up my chocolate, I had found out that he was my age, super cute, a Communications major, and that we both went to the same college.

"Here's your chocolate," his coworker said, handing me a box. I stared blankly, and quickly thought on my feet.

"Yeah, well I guess I'll go home and eat this chocolate and watch Netflix now...like a spinster lady," I said, flipping my hair slightly.

Good job, Blair, let the cute boy know that you are a sad spinster lady with no romantic prospects. I looked at the display, and pointed at the chocolate covered orange peels.

"Wait, actually, I want these too, maybe.."

The cute guy laughed, "Sounds like you'll be here a lot."

"Yeah, and you'll be like, 'Oh there's that weird girl again that talks so much!'"

"Or you could tell me your name? And you won't be that weird girl."

"My name's Blair," I said, smiling back.

"See, now you're Blair."

As the two of us talked about ourselves, I pulled out random questions about chocolate, prolonging the conversation, and trying to seem as cute and date-able as possible. I pulled random people that needed chocolate out of my ass, and random occasions as well, trying to ask as many questions, while still peppering details about me and my personal life. Nash (cute Fannie May boy) asked me questions about myself, somehow not turned off by the fact that I was a weird spinster chick that loved Mint Meltaways and would not leave his store.

And low key, he gave me a bunch of free samples and chocolate.

As my questions ran out, and my attempts to be cute were getting less conspicuous, I decided to call it a day, and walk out. And as I walked out, I couldn't help but think, "Holy fuck, did I not look cute? Was I not cute today?"

Maybe he had a girlfriend.

Or maybe like his coworker, Leonard, he was gay.

As I walked about a block, I quickly realized that I should get Kayresia something! I texted her, opened the door, and headed back for some chocolate turtles. Nash watched me, as I walked past nonchalantly (or so I thought), and talked to Leonard, as he rang up my turtles. As Leonard and I talked, and laughed, Nash walked up to me.

"I actually had something I wanted to ask you, before you left"

"Fuck, was another boy about to ask me to fill out another fucking survey?" I thought to myself, as I remembered what happened with Audrey at the Wicker Park Jewel. Basically, to summarize, there was this cashier at the Wicker Park Jewel, who was pretty cute (although Audrey and I thought he def needed a brow wax), and after flirting with him and being super obvious, he told me that he had a question for me.

And then he asked me to fill out a fucking survey and to give him a 10.

After quickly ringing up a customer, Nash came up to me, and asked, "This might sound random...but I was going to ask you for your number, but then you left so quickly."

"Yeah because I was so horrified you didn't ask me for my fucking number," I thought to myself, half-kidding.

"I mean, it makes sense, because we both go to the same school," he said, with a smile.

"Yeah, and I also magically walked into your store," I responded, laughing.

We talked and flirted, and I talked to Leonard as well. After a little while, Nash excused himself to clean up. And as he walked to the back, Lawrence turned and we kept talking.

"You know he asked me for my number," I said, smirking a little bit.

What can I say, guys, ya girl's still got it!

"I noticed," Leonard said, "When you left that first time, I told him, 'For the amount of time you spent talking to her you better have gotten her number!' I took care of like, ten customers in the amount of time that you guys were talking."

Suddenly, out of no where, Nash appeared.

The three of us talked and chatted, and I found out that I had ended up staying in that Fannie May for a little more than two hours...

Oops.

I said good bye to the boys, expecting a text from each of them- Leonard and I were supposed to go get brunch, and Nash and I...well, we obviously had a date.

The summer's just begun, and after this pleasant surprise...I'm excited to see what this summer holds.

The Northern Bench

"Not all who wander are lost."

- J. R. R. Tolkien

-

Barrett is, twenty four, 5'10, and working on his PhD- and also coincidentally, pretty hot. He lives in the West Loop area on Randolph, we have the same favorite Indian Food, and he can cook. OH, and he's a foodie...and going to be Chuck's TA this year.

We had been texting back and forth flirtatiously, and were due to go on a date.

Audrey: Dudeee he's soo hott, you should deff go for it.

My phone suddenly had another notification.

Barrett: Ahhh I really want to hang out with you. I find you extremely cute and attractive.

I could get used to this.

Although Barrett was super hot and played Lacrosse for the University of Iowa (in his undergrad), and seemed like the perfect guy to eighteen year old Blair, twenty year old Blair was faced with quite possibly the stupidest problem that anyone could have.

I felt guilty.

"But Blair, why do you possibly feel guilty for having hottie man wanting to take you on a date and flirting with said hottie man?"

When Chuck and I broke up, and since then, he has never flirted, wanted to date, fucked, or even been slightly romantically interested in anyone. No rebound sex, no one night stands...nothing. I am the singular female, the only girl that he has ever liked, kissed, touched, dated, fucked, and all of the above. And even though it admitted (way too fucking late, in my honest opinion) that he was bothered (obviously) by the fact that I was dating other guys.

Not to mention the fact that he's the one who ended the relationship because he wasn't ready or whatever (you know, after dating me for like a year and a half!).

So I shouldn't feel guilty, right?

I ended up taking a really long walk- out of no where. I walked down the boardwalk, along the beach, with the sun shining and sea salt scented wind blowing through my hair. And as I walked, and wandered, I genuinely thought about everything that has happened. With Chuck, with work, and with life- and quickly, I realized that the only soul mate that mattered was well, me. The only person I needed to be happy, and to fall in love with, was myself, in the least narcissistic way. I had gone through so much, and I had been strong through all of it- and as I wandered, I had this gut feeling that I was headed to the right place.

And as I saw these familiar stairs, I knew I was in the right place. My heart beat faster, and I had this gut feeling telling me that I was supposed to be there, and that this was where I was supposed to end up.

On one of our very first dates, Chuck took me to this plaza, and we sat there and just talked all night. It was the moment that I knew I was falling in love with him, in front of the NBC building, as the wind blew the petals of the hortensia I placed in the center away. In his brief moments attempting to be romantic, Chuck had always taken me to this plaza to sit and be with him. And as the familiar landmarks appeared, I followed.

I never really knew where this place was, and I guess that was part of the magic- only being led here by Chuck, and as I tried to find this place, and got a little lost, it dawned on me.

What if this is a sign? The fact that the place where Chuck and I fell in love, completely disappeared or demolished.

Or fuck, even worse- that I couldn't find it without him!?

As I turned, and walked, determined now, more than ever, the plaza appeared out of no where, as everything around me slowed down in these following moments. I walked over, up the steps, and sat down, exactly where I had, the very first time that Chuck had ever taken me there. There were four benches- I had sat on the south bench the first time I had ever come here with Chuck, and we fell in love.

The eastern bench was the one we had sat on for our very first "boyfriend-girlfriend date," when we had a night picnic and ate tortas. It was also the night that Chuck could not stop making out with me, because he was so excited that he had a girlfriend.

The western bench, we had sat on, for our joint birthday date last year, and because we had dated for so long, and been to this spot so many times, Chuck honestly kind of rushed us to hurry and go home.

But the northern bench- I had never sat on that one before. The gut feeling came back, and I got up, and sat on the unfamiliar bench. And as I sat down, and the wind blew in my hair, and I felt this weird sense of closure and belonging, I think that was my favorite time that I had ever been to this spot.

Stalemate

"Sometimes a psychic tells you something and it feels wrong and others may be right on the money. It's your choice about whom to trust, and giving that trust is something we do ourselves."

-Martha Beck 

-

I took a little hiatus from blogging...it's really not my fault! Things have been so crazy with work and life, that I needed a little breather. And so, consider this the big fat catch-up blog post that probably makes no sense.

Chuck and I....are at a weird stalemate. We really are, it's not even me being a colossal bitch or him being at a colossal asshole...it's just a weird stalemate. After he completely disappeared of the surface of the Earth, and went to Mexico, the two of us didn't really talk until that night I got drunk and texted him after crying on Matthew's bathroom floor. And we've kind of been talking...sort of.

It's just hard, okay?

I mean, besides all the history and shit that happened in the past between the two of us, he's thousands of miles away and who knows how he feels about me. And I may, or may not, aka, I 100% may, be a little scared and avoiding my feelings for him. I mean, what good would it be if I fully acknowledged or addressed what I was feeling and all of that weak bitch shit? He's out of the country until July 2nd, and acting like his usual ambiguous Chuck self. And I had changed, kind of.

I was even more fierce and independent than before I had met him, and knew how to rock sexy mom jeans and had messy curls! And I do a daytime smoky eye now!

We had been texting, sort of, in a weird sort of way. Neither of us addressed how the other felt, nor did either of us verbally say "I like you," or, "I find you attractive," or anything along those sorts of things. That's why it felt like a stalemate- there was obviously something holding both of us back.

Half of me wanted to stay, and the other half asked me, "What is there to stay for?" He wasn't outwardly asking me to, and he wasn't outwardly giving me a reason to... unless he was being typical Chuck, and thought that things were just established and that I knew. And to be honest, I was too scared to ask, because of the fear.

In curiosity, I asked a psychic some questions.

"Hi, Blair! Warm regards! As per the analysis of your natal chart, you remain under the influence of planetary mercury due to which you are likely to be helpful, polite, friendly, and determined of nature. During the time September of this year due to the support of Venus, you shall get your true love from the northern east side of your birth location. Should that time be missed, another favorable time would be February 2017. He shall be from your near surrounding and he is likely to be smiley, polite, religious, hard working, and visiting lover kind of person. There might arise some ups and downs in your relationship due to the malefic effect of Mars which is aligned in the 4th house effect. However, if you both move with mutual cooperation and try to understand each other feelings then your relationship shall be good and happy. In the past 2013 and 2014 due to the ill effect of Rahu (northern node of the Moon), you might have had some problems in your study. Good luck."

I know, you're all like, "Has Blair absolutely lost her shit since the last time we talked to her?"

I looked at the analysis, and knew that I had to ask a follow up question.

"What about my ex boyfriend, is he my soul mate?"

" As per the study, you both are seen to have some weak transits of Mars which are seen to cause the problems in your love life in the past. Even the time when you first with him is seen to be under the unfavorable influence of Rahu (North Node of Moon) therefore you may have to make some tough efforts for the recovery of your relationship. He seems not to be your soulmate right now but your relationship may improve with the support of Sun in your natal chart as well as Moon in his partial natal chart. As he has good alignment of Moon in his partial natal chart therefore he may be missing you too. And, your relationship may go better if you make efforts from your side. To find him to be your soulmate, you shall have to do some very hard work because of the unfavorable planetary influence. If you make sufficient efforts, you may get improvement from or may get back to your old relationship from August of 2016, in case you miss then you shall find similarly favorable time from October of 2016 under the favorable influence of the Moon."

And as I stared at the screen, I got a notification.

The New Adventures of Old Blair

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves.

-Andre Gide

-

For our first major gift giving holiday, I made Chuck an Adventure Book, much like the one Ellie has in Up. He was Carl, and I was Ellie- he was awkward and shy, logical and skeptical, and I was the crazy, spontaneous, wildly independent girl that pulled him out of his comfort zone. I bought all the supplies from Michael's and I was so damn excited about the gift that I gave it to him a whole month early. I'll never forget how he smiled, and how happy he was, as he turned each page of the hand-crafted scrapbook that I made, with pictures of each and every adventure we had. (Sometimes I think that if I ever see that book again, I'll cry so horribly that whoever is around me will be forced to do the noble thing, and pretend like I'm not crying at all- even though I will be bawling like a loser baby).

For our one year anniversary, Chuck purchased a framed print of a vintage-y and rustic watercolor painting of the globe, with cursive script that read, "Adventure awaits." He was supposed to hang it in my apartment, but he never did...because we shortly broke up.

And once we broke up, it broke my heart every damn morning when I saw that huge frame sitting on the ground, until one day I woke up, grabbed a neon colored post-it note, and scribbled, "WITHOUT HIM" and added it to the bottom of the cursive script.

That act of sass and defiance empowered me, when I had gotten flat out dumped on my ass. And now, it is months later, after all of the crazy nonsense that Chuck and I have gone through, when I once again have given up on his whack ass, and now find myself, with adventure awaiting, without him.

Blair and the Bald Hipster Girlfriend

Okay, so I was tremendously stupid for thinking that Chuck and I could just sneak around, and that we'd get back together after sneaking around, as if this was a romantic comedy or something. But my life isn't like a romantic comedy- at least, not the good parts of a romantic comedy. I haven't had sex with anyone except for Chuck, since that terrible encounter with Derek that I would rather forget forever. I have not been on a date since that terrible date with Derek that was accompanied with the terrible sexual encounter that I had with Derek, and I have no romantic prospects.

People say that this is your prime- your early twenties, when you're supposed to be running around like a little thot, meeting hot guys easily as hell, and being easy as hell. And as I watched Young and Hungry, that seemed to be true- I mean, they meet hot guys so incredibly easily, it's as if they show up out of no where. Maybe I'm just living in the wrong city. Or destined to be alone forever.

I used to really love romantic comedies, because they made me feel all magical and tingly inside- but after watching Bridget Jone's Diary the other day, and then crying embarrassingly uncontrollably, because Chuck will probably never do anything magical or tingly to win me over (he probably is torturing small animals in the woods, according to Serena), I've decided to enjoy sitcoms and Grey's Anatomy.

However, there is only so much avoiding social interaction you can do, and only so much shopping and lipstick buying you can do to pretend like your ex boyfriend didn't screw you over, for what possibly might be the millionth time. Matthew and Salvador (Sally) had their housewarming party, and I of course went, as I am Matthew's "girlfriend" aka, best lady friend for life.

As I stirred my Whole Foods inspired pasta salad (penne, olives, mozzarella, pepperoni, spinach, dressing and spices), Sally said something that made me nearly drop my pan of pasta.

"What time is Calvin coming?" Sally asked, looking over at Matthew.

Kayresia stopped, and laughed, "Blair and Calvin in the same room? Oh lord."

"What? Things between us aren't bad, we're cool," I said, hiding the fact that when we ran into Calvin last month at Jewel-Osco that he had noticed me, and totally pretended that he didn't know me. Kayresia was super obsessed with Jewel Monopoly at one time, and so we were there quite a bit, but I digress.

Long story short, Matthew used to work at Buffalo Wild Wings, and I may or may not have furiously and super obviously flirted with Calvin during my rebounding from Chuck phase...which means that I one hundred percent did. I definitely did. But that was a long time ago, kind of, sort of. ANYWAYS, regardless, I haven't flirted with him recently, and it's not like I was throwing my body at him or anything.

But putting on another coat of lipstick wouldn't hurt. I put on another layer of the dark brownish color I was wearing, as Kayresia gave me a look from across the room.

"What? It can't hurt."

And as soon as that last syllable of that sentence, the buzzer went off. I froze in place, as Matthew went over to the door, and opened it, revealing not only Calvin...but a girl. A girl that looked straight at me, scanning me from head to toe. Her head was shaved, and her dress was covered with a worn-in dark colored flannel. Her eyes narrowed into little slits, as she scanned me like a cyborg, from head to toe. She scanned me in the way that only a girlfriend, would.

Surely, she must have thought to herself, "This bitch- she's the girl who was all over Calvin, my boyfriend."

It's okay, this is going to be a great housewarming for one of my best friends, so I'm just going to politely be polite and pretend like I never vivaciously flirted with him. I sat, twirled a small curl, and waited, as Calvin and his girlfriend went around the entire room, saying hello. And as they passed each person, I smiled cordially, pretending as if I didn't have a care in the entire world. And as they made their way around, they stopped at Matthew, handed him a bottle of red wine, and walked off to the food... completely skipping yours truly.

Now, if this was the Old Blair, I would have shot him and her a dirty look and commented on how shitty their red velvet wine was, and how I think it's absolutely disgusting.

But I sat, kept pretending like I didn't have a care in the world, as Matthew walked over, and whispered, "I didn't know, I'm sorry."

"Wow, the adventures of Single Blair. This is it," I thought to myself, "Running into guys that I embarrassed myself in front of  and having them and their bald hipster girlfriends snub the fuck out out of me."

And in that moment, I decided that there was one of two things I could do. Awkwardly sit in the corner and sip my Sangria, or walk around, still sipping Sangria, and to decide to have the most bomb time that I possibly could.

The Lonely, The Bitch, and Quinoa's Wardrobe

Roger was one of Kayresia's employees, an employee in fact which made it glaringly obvious that not only did he want to fuck me, but that he definitely thought he did. Despite my constant attempts to avoid him, snub him, and ignore him, he wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.

There is nothing in the entire world that annoys me more than persistent guys, except for entitled persistent guys. For whatever reason, Roger had found it impossible that I would not want to date him...despite the many, many, many signs that I wanted him to go fly a goddamn kite. I was completely unattracted and disinterested in him, and the fact that he eyed me like a bottle of Smartwater in the desert made it all the more disgusting.

"He keeps asking if you're single," Kayresia laughed, as we sat at her kitchen table. Quinoa took another bite out of her taco, and I shook my head.

"I don't like him, and I don't like that I was trying to ignore him and he kept asking questions about me....and calling me shawty!" I mixed up the tv dinner of beef stroganoff that I was about to have, and shook my head.

"Like last time, when he was here and Quinoa and I were talking about guys on Bumble," I said, "He kept making comments and saying that he was offended that I said he wasn't cute, when I was clearly holding my fucking phone in Quinoa's face," I added, sassily.

"That's right, he was just there," Quinoa laughed.

He wouldn't leave me alone, and he was completely persistent, and annoying. Suddenly, we heard footsteps coming, and I knew who it was, as I ran, and dived into Quinoa's closet.

"Blair are you really-"

"SHH."

In mere seconds, it had been confirmed- Roger was standing right in the kitchen, as I had escaped moments before. He asked about me, lingered around, and I had sat there, silently, avoiding him in Quinoa's closet. That's what my life had resorted to, hiding in Quinoa's closet to avoid a boy that I didn't like.

-

"She can stay here," Roger said, eyeing me. "And you can go back upstairs," he said, looking at Kayresia.

"Stop staring at her." Kayresia said, as we walked off. The two of us headed to the elevator. As I ran towards the elevator, there stood Louis Romney.

Blair and the Elevator

When I first met Louis Romney, I had met him in an elevator. I had actually met him multiple times in an elevator before that, but never gave him the time of day because I was so hopelessly in love with Chuck Cuevas. Hopeless and utterly in love with Chuck Cuevas.

I pressed the elevator button, as he turned to face me.

"You guys have exciting plans tonight?" he asked, turning to look at me and Kayresia. She stifled her laughter, as he looked at me, waiting for an answer.

"We're making tacos," I responded, "...and beefy crunch burritos." I may or may not have had a packet of diablo sauce in the pocket of my denim jacket, as I said that.

"I can see that," Louis said, chuckling. He turned to the buttons, and then asked, "Blair, I was certain you lived on the sixth floor."

"I do...we're going to Kayresia's place," I responded. Of course Louis was certain that I lived on the sixth floor, because he threw the bra and panties I left at his place at my door when we stopped seeing each other, and then ran away.

Suddenly, the elevator dinged, and I turned to walk off to Kayresia's floor.

"Bye Louis."

-

Kayresia had piggybacked me three blocks, after I had fell completely and utterly on my ass. My flip flop had snapped, and after walking approximately 2.82 steps, I had decided not to risk my feet on the dirty Chicago sidewalk.

As we walked into the lobby, I stood around casually, barefoot, as Louis Romney walked out of no where, looked at me, and smirked. "Have a good night, Blair," he said, as he walked off.

-

As Quinoa and I ran to the elevator, she stopped instantly, as I got on, and the door closed. Louis Romney was once again standing there, nonchalantly.

"You know, for someone who's trying to avoid me, you're doing a terrible job at it," I said, as the doors closed. I looked over at him, sneaking a glance. I couldn't deny that he was ridiculously attractive, and in my new, Chuck-less state, I definitely noticed how hot Louis was.

"I'm not trying to avoid you," he laughed, looking at me. "Did you move to the tenth floor? I could have sworn that you lived on the sixth," he said, changing the subject quickly.

"You said that last time," I responded, sassily. Louis looked at me, blushing awkwardly for a brief moment.

"I meant it, when I said it was nice seeing you," I said, turning away slightly.

"It's nice seeing you too," he said, as the elevator we stood in probably changed into one of the sexual elevators in Grey's Anatomy. Both of us were feeling flirtatious, and I thought that I looked pretty darn freaking cute that day.

"We had fun last semester, right?" Louis asked, flirtatiously.

And as soon as I was about to answer, the door opened, to have Kayresia, standing right there.