I don't like boys. They're kind of annoying. 

-Michelle Wie

-

"It's a text from Johnny," I said, surprised. The last time I had seen him was when I was taking Cora's dog, Jughead for a walk. Johnny had tried to make conversation, and although I was polite, I clearly had no intention of ever talking to him again. The last time I spoke to Johnny, it was just him yelling at me, asking me why I wouldn't have sex with him and why I wasn't attracted to him. For Fuck's sake, why are men guys boys constantly asking me why I won't (insert action here) them?

...I won't get into this, or else I'll end up posting the exact same rant that I blogged about when I stopped talking to Johnson.

When Chuck and I broke up, I didn't feel anything- I was so desperate to feel something, and to fill a void in my life, that I LITERALLY tried to fill a void. As in I kind of, sort of, aka I did, sleep with quite a few guys. Some of them were rebounds, some of them I genuinely thought could be something... but all in all, it was a terrible idea. I ended up filling that void, and feeling something- by focusing on myself, my strengths, and working on things that made me passionate. I was happy from my friends and loved ones, and I never looked back at the indiscretions that I had made.

Johnny: What is your blog address?

"He's trying to fuck you," Chuck said, looking at me. Although I like Chuck, there are still some moments when I just want to laugh and say, "Well, yeah."

"Well, yeah, Chuck." I said, laughing. "But he's leaving soon."

"He's trying to get a good bye smash." Chuck commented, nodding.

"No way in fuck."

Chuck knows about my blog, obviously, but I'm definitely not at the point where I want him to read the things that I've written- even if we were both in a different place when I wrote them!

An excerpt from, Chuck Cuevas Stinks:

"And then I thought about it, he definitely stank when we dated, I just never smelled it. But he didn't physically stink (well... At least I don't think he did, he may have), but he stank metaphorically, he just had this glaring problem with him that I ignored because I was in love with (or at least I thought I was)."

I know, I'm so coy. But anyways, back to the story at hand.

There was no way that I was going to respond to Johnny, and part of me wanted to be the crusader for girls who are constantly harassed and annoyed by guys that think they're entitled to bang them, but I kept my mouth shut.

-

Shay: You tryin to get some or what

I looked at my phone, nearly dropping in it shock.

"FUCK, here we go again." I thought to myself, shaking my head. Why was this shit constantly happening?

Blair: What do you mean
Shay: You know what I mean
Blair: WTF SHAY

I screenshotted the message, and sent it to Shane and Kayresia.

Shane: Lol thirsty AF
Kayresia: Lol smh

SHAKING MY DAMN HEAD INDEED, SHAY. I thought that the two of us were purely platonic friends- after all, he did help me start my business! I had recently discovered that my guy friends were dropping like flies, namely after

1. Trying to bang me, and then getting rejected, then getting mad
2. Trying to date me, and then getting rejected, then getting mad
3. Constantly asking me why I won't date/fuck/WHATEVER with them
4. Constantly trying to tap me and then getting entitled when I tell them to go fly a fucking kite

Among other things.

And I know it sounds so typical female, but I genuinely did want to be friends with them! I just wanted to live in a world where I could hang out with them, drink beer, shoot some nonsense, and then watch terrible TV- like I did with Shane! He and Matthew were the only ones left standing after the Massacre of Spring 2016, as Zayn, Johnny, Johnson, Carter, Kevin, and Shay were voted off the island. It was tiring- having them annoy me, and then eventually, get mad and blame me for being at fault. Because apparently, it is wrong for a woman to refuse a man nowadays, APPARENTLY if guys put in effort with a woman, they are entitled to them.

Shay: I don't want it lo

Blair: No, I'm dating someone. Ew, no. You're gross, bye.

I mean, I wasn't dating anyone- the only thing I was committed to was Grey's Anatomy on Netflix- and I didn't really care, or want to waste energy on trying to define what was going on with Chuck and I. We aren't involved with each other...or anyone else really. But Shay didn't have to know that, it was none of his business, or really...anyone else's either.

It wasn't that I was ashamed of Chuck- I'm really not. As a matter of fact, I think a lot of people would be overjoyed. For god's sake, my brother Julius probably loves Chuck more than he loves me! It's just with things being so up in the air, there was really no point in saying anything about it, not to mention that when you start telling people things, that's when things get real. And I'm not ready for that, for other people to know or get involved, and for it to be a thing. 

OKAY, and maybe because it's kind of fun sneaking around. I couldn't deny that it was kind of exciting to have people ask where I'm going and where I'm at, and to sneak back into my apartment building early in the morning, or to pretend like I'm staying, when I'm throwing on a crop top and skinny jeans to go see Chuck. It's fun, and I know that eventually people are going to find out, and that this whole sneaking around nonsense will stop, but for right now, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't enjoying it.

Which is also why Johnny Belcher can stay the hell off my blog.

Shay: Who is that

And also why Shay can stop texting me.

Smiling at Me

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. 

-Mother Teresa

-

Blair: I'm not doing this
Chuck: Doing what

I had peeked at the message again, looking at it. It was natural for me to be a little bit mad, it wasn't crazy for me to be mad. But I knew that he had been locked inside his room coding for days, and I knew that if he could have come to get me off that bench, he would have. And so, I let it go. Relationships are a two way street, and I couldn't keep not talking to him whenever I got upset about something. Not that we're in a relationship or anything, because we definitely one hundred percent are not. 

I would be stupid to say that Chuck and I were purely platonic friends, because well, we obviously were not. But at the same time, we weren't sex pals either- we were... we're...I don't want to do this, I'm going to keep saying that we're friends. We are pals. Kind of.

After playing chess on my phone with Chuck for the whole afternoon, I ended up going over to his place to work on homework. We both worked on homework, until he confessed that he had four papers due at midnight, and three of them were only one page responses. Chuck had always believed in his ability, an immense amount, but even I knew that a one page response that would take me twenty minutes (or even less!) would take Chuck HOURS. Chuck didn't have a way with words- not one bit, and he was honestly kind of a horrendous writer. The boy could build flow hoods and engineer the shit out of anything, but he couldn't put his thoughts into words.

"Do you need my help?" I asked, looking at him.

"No, it's okay," he said, looking away awkwardly. He definitely needed my help, without a doubt he had needed my help, very much so.

"Chuck, if you need help, just ask for it, I can easily write a one page response in like, twenty minutes. I blog like, every day!" I looked at him, knowingly, "Just ask for help, you know I'm always willing to help."

"Okay, Blair, maybe one response, but I really owe you," he said.

-

As I typed up the second one, my fingers clacked on the second one, as I sang out loud, "doo, doo, dooo, clik, clik, clak, clak, tap, tap," slightly bobbing my head to the beat of the keys on my keyboard.

I froze in place, and turned to see Chuck looking at me. "You're cute, you know that, right, Blair Bui?"

"I do know that," I said, laughing. I blushed a bit, and then regained my composure, "And I also know that I completely saved your ass, and that you fucking owe me," I added, sassily. I continued typing, as I looked over slightly at Chuck, out of the corner of my peripheral vision.

"You did save my ass, and you're amazing and great," he said, smiling at me. Even something as mundane as typing papers was fun with Chuck, as the two of us sat arm to arm, sneaking in kisses, and talking as we both worked on something.

"I'm sorry," he said, awkwardly. He looked at me, as I stopped mid-sentence in a piece about Sweet and Lowdown. 

"That I'm typing this paper or what?" I said, looking at him.

"Everything, and especially the papers."

"You know, you could've asked me for help. I know you wanted to," I responded, as Chuck submitted the lab report he was working on. "We both know that writing comes very easily for me, and it's tricky for you. I would've come and helped you."

"I know, Blair, I just... I don't like asking for help, from anyone."

"You know I'm there for you, always," I said. It was the truth. As Chuck pulled me in closer, into his arms, he looked at me, leaning in for a kiss. "You're great."

"And, Blair, you know that if I could've showed up at that bench, I would have, and if I could have come last night when you were sick, I would have."

"I know," I said, nodding.

"But now that finals are ending, we'll both be around for summer, and Fall semester isn't that crazy," Chuck said, smiling. "And I definitely owe you," he said, as I leaned in for a kiss.

"We'll talk when you're in Mexico?"

"Of course."

-

"I thought that Grey Garcia's girlfriend would be hotter," I said, laughing, as we looked at the Snapchat story. "It's not that she's not pretty, it's just, he's Grey Garcia."

I turned to look at Chuck. "Don't worry, Chuck, someday you'll have a really hot girlfriend."

"Really, Blair? Maybe one that'll think I'm hotter than Grey Garcia," he said, smiling smugly at me, as I looked away for a brief second. I forgot that there was that mix-up last year regarding Grey Garcia (more on that later)

"You know, if I keep hanging out with you, my friends are going to be suspicious." I grabbed the fuzzy blanket, and brought it closer to my body.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, they're going to be definitely concerned because I haven't gone on a date with anyone in like, two months."

Chuck stopped in his tracks, and turned to face me. "You haven't?"

"Not really, not one where I liked anyone. And I don't foresee myself dating anyone else in the future," the words had slipped out of my mouth quickly and smoothly, as I laid, there, shocked that I had said that out loud. Chuck's mouth formed a mischievous grin, as he tried to hide the fact that he was smiling.

"CHUCK CUEVAS," I said, tapping him on the shoulder, "You like this. You like that I'm not going to date anyone else." I laughed, as he tried to hide his smile even further.

"I don't know what you're talking about Blair," he said, trying to make a serious face, as we both started laughing.

"Chuck Cuevas, you don't want me dating anyone else, and you're happy that I'm not going to." I laughed, as I placed my head on his shoulder. And even though he turned away for a brief second, I knew he was smiling, and I knew that he was happy about the information that had slipped out.

-

Chuck was relentless about me not getting cheese after my bout of Chipotle-induced food poisoning, but he caved and eventually agreed, saying that he was going to keep a full watch on me afterwards. As we walked back, we talked, and it honestly felt so nice to just spend time with him, to catch up on everything that had been going on. Time flew, as we talked all night, watched our usual shows, and just enjoyed each other's company. Before we knew it, it was four in the morning, and time for bed.

"I like you a lot, Chuck Cuevas," I whispered, as we laid in his bed, nose to nose.

"I like you a lot too, Blair Bui, you're amazing," he leaned in for a kiss, and wrapped his arm around me.

"We can talk, of course, but it's late, and you have to get to work," Chuck whispered. He was always taking care of me, and being responsible when I wanted to be a little bit reckless.

"If that's fine," Chuck added, fearing the wrath of Blair. It was cute, and I liked that he was always looking out for me- but I loved that he never forgot how fiercely independent and headstrong I was.

"You're right," I admitted, "If you need to lay on your back, I understand too. I know you don't sleep well."

"It's okay, we can cuddle if you want," Chuck said, turning to look at me.

"If you want," I said, trying to be as nonchalant and breezy as possible. I didn't want to be too easy to get.

"I do," Chuck responded, smiling at me. We kissed good night, as I turned so we could spoon, and Chuck wrapped his arms around me. I slept well, and woke up, to a sleeping Chuck, his arms still wrapped around my waist.

He got up, as kissed me goodbye, as I got ready for work. "Is there anything else you want to say to me, Chuck Cuevas?" I asked, as I looked at him.

"No, I don't think so," he said. Chuck stood there, in his soccer shorts, as I grabbed my bag. I headed towards the door, as my train of thought was interrupted.

"I like you, Blair."

I turned, and walked over, kissing Chuck one more time before I left for work. "I like you too. I'll talk to you later."

As I awkwardly tried to hide the fact that I was smiling like a little loser, I knew that Chuck was doing the exact same thing behind me.

27

Either you run the day or the day runs you. 

-Jim Rohn

-

Last week, Chuck's place

"Do you know what next week is?" I asked, looking at him. He shook his head, obviously confused.

"It's the 27th," I said, quietly.

October 27, 2014

Willa: You are so, so close to having a boyfriend- so close. 
Blair: Isn't he basically my boyfriend now, I mean... he told his friends about me! And he confessed his feelings yesterday **after he blew chunks in my apartment Friday night!

**a story for another time

Willa: Not yet, Blair. But you're so close.

Chuck Cuevas liked me, ME, ELIZABETH BUI. For whatever reason, he thought that I was the most bombtastic woman, in the entire fucking world. It was an exciting feeling, after months of Chuck and I being "just friends" to be able to walk around knowing that he liked me. I wanted to run around, singing and dancing like a total loser baby, because right now, life was good, because Chuck liked me.

I headed over to go see Chuck, and meet Taha, his supposed best friend. I threw on some makeup (I couldn't have his best friend commenting on how his almost-girlfriend's face looked beat), and headed over, short shorts and crop top, and all.

"Dude, you literally didn't do anything and somehow you ended up with Wonder Woman," Taha said, as he scanned me quickly. "How did you do this?"

Chuck shrugged. Now that I thought about it, how did Chuck get me? It didn't even matter, really, because even though he was unlike every other guy I had ever been remotely attracted to, it didn't matter. Because Chuck was smart, funny, sweet and kind, and nerdy and adorable. And quite honestly, if anyone was to be my boyfriend eventually, I'm glad that it was him.

After hanging out with Taha for a bit, we headed back to my apartment, and watched Bob's Burgers, until noticing that the time was really late.

"It's getting really late," Chuck said, awkwardly, looking at me. I looked up at him and smiled, as we laid together, cuddling and watching the show. It had been a good week since Chuck and I had simmered in our mutual attraction, but he still hadn't kissed me, or anything. I knew he thought that I was attractive, and he obviously liked me- but maybe he was just shy, or tremendously awkward. But that was perfectly okay, because he was worth the wait.

"If you want, you can stay over," I said, as I turned to face him. Chuck looked at me, as if he had been blindsided.

"I uh...erm, Ber- er, Bertram would get mad at me. Yeah, Bertram would get mad at me," Chuck said, stammering awkwardly. His face turned beet red, and he looked away awkwardly.

"Bertram would get mad at you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he would."

"Okay, it's fine, you don't have to," I said, laughing. It was cute, it really was, how nervous and awkward he was. I placed my head on his chest, and we continued to watch Bob's Burgers. A couple of episodes later, the same thing was said.

"It's getting really late," Chuck said, awkwardly, looking at me.

"If you want, you can stay over," I said, once again, "But only if you want."

"Okay," he said, as we headed towards the pillows. Chuck turned off the light, and crawled up next to me, wrapping his arms around me. And as he closed his eyes, and said good night, I looked at him, as he innocently slept. I had never slept with a boy in the same bed, in my entire life without them trying anything weird, and for once, a boy had stayed over, and he had stayed over because of me. Not because he wanted to fuck me, but because he wanted to be with me. We slept comfortably, until I woke up, quite early in the morning.

"What's up?" He whispered, looking at me. I had never really looked at Chuck without his glasses, but he looked nice, he really did.

"Why haven't you done anything yet?" I asked, looking at him. "Like kissed me or anything?" I don't know why I asked him that, to this day, but I did, and the words came pouring out of my mouth, as if I was saying something casual.

"Because, I- uh, well, I-er, I haven't done anything yet," he said, looking at me. He was embarrassed, and he looked awkwardly, where his feet should have been. "Like made out or anything."

I smiled. "It's okay, we'll practice."

"Really?" Chuck said, leaning in torwards me. My heart beat faster with each millimeter that he moved towards me, in anticipation and excitement. We were nose to nose, chest to chest.

"Really." I said, as he leaned in for a kiss. There are some moments that take your breath away, when time and the universe surrounding you stop for a brief moment, when the stars align and everything in the world is still, for that moment. Moments that you will always remember, clearer than day, as if they just happened. Unforgettable, real moments. This was one of them.

We pulled apart, and he looked at me, smiling.

"This means you're my boyfriend now, right?"

"Yeah, Blair, it does," he whispered, before leaning in to kiss me again.

April 27, 2015

I sat on Chuck's bed, before he came in to the room. It had been six months, six spectacular months and I couldn't believe it. He was outside tutoring one of his friends, and even though it was our anniversary. Of course it bothered me, I had wanted to spend time with him and everything, but none of his friends really seemed to understand that concept. They'd take him out and never bring him back, snatch him away when it was just supposed to be the two of us, and to fully honest, I didn't even think they respected me. I sat on his bed, eating my half of our anniversary dinner, and watching Netflix.

"I'm sorry about that," Chuck said, as he walked in.

"It's fine," I said, as I cut off another piece of chicken enchilada.

"So I was studying with Reagan the other day, and she asks me, 'Do you love Blair?' And I looked at her, and I said, 'Of course?'"

I looked at Chuck, "Really?"

"And then she asked me all the things I love about you, and I told her, and then she asked me, 'Do you think Blair is the one?'"

I stopped eating, and then looked at him.

"So then I said, 'Yeah, I do.' And Reagan asks me, 'Can you see yourself marrying her?' And so I told her, 'I definitely can.'"

October 27, 2015

"So we're not going to-"

"Blair, it's late, and we have to be up early tomorrow for the half marathon," Chuck said, as he had taken off his button down. It's not like our one year anniversary wasn't great, it was sweet, and the gesture was nice, it just wasn't what I thought it would be.

"We'll have sex tomorrow," he said, looking at the expression on my face. There's a clear and distinct difference between fucking and making love (or having sex), it's one of those things that you don't understand until it happened.

And maybe I shouldn't have expected anything, because the anniversary of my dreams, was most definitely wasn't the anniversary of my reality. Chuck and I were supposed to have the greatest date together, and the greatest night spent together, but as I watched him climb into bed, I realized that wasn't the case.

February 27, 2016

After waiting the entire night for him, I looked at the message on my phone.

Chuck: Something came up, another time.

And as I looked at my phone, only one thought remained in my head. It was screaming at me, as I sat there, incapable of functioning in that moment. As Casey, Kayresia, and Matthew sat at the table, I got up and excused myself.

There was one of two things that I could do in that moment, I could say okay, and see him again. Or, I could just forget about him and walk away. I could take a deep breath, compose myself, and walk away. I could walk away, from disappointment, from heartbreak, and from feeling like this ever again. He couldn't even be there, when I needed him to be.

This wasn't the movies, this was real life, and he wasn't going to show up late at night and say that he was wrong, and we weren't going to fall in love with each other all over again. I had to take a deep breath, and simply just leave.

April 27, 2016

Blair Bui, 12:15 am:  Okay, I apologize. I'm just stressed and emotional and tired and hungry, okay. For whatever reason the universe is throwing every feeling that I refused to feel over the past six months at me and I just want to sit on that bench and cry. I'm going to be honest and say that I probably will sit on that bench and cry after I finish studying for this exam tomorrow. I don't know why I keep telling you things that you can live without knowing and I won't shut the fuck up, because I know it's annoying and I know it's weird but I just can't stop, maybe it's because I don't need other people knowing things about me, or maybe it's because I missed you, IDK. But I will try to be quiet and I will try to compose myself because you need to be tutoring children and Ryan and building engineer things and coding, I apologize So I am going to study for this exam now, and then cry on that bench, and then walk home, and sleep. And I will shut up and I will stop talking and it'll be fine.

And as I sat there, in the library, about to start uncontrollably sobbing, I took a couple minutes to reflect on everything that had happened over the past couple months. The sexual assault, the fact that people have taken up a hobby in telling me how inconsiderate and terrible I am, my mother being sick, all of it. Every single damn thing that happened over the past six months that should have made me feel something, that I dismissed and just acted indifferent about, it all hit me, and I just wanted to talk to that bench, and cry. Which is what I did.

I sat on that bench, and cried. I cried as engineering students walked past nonchalantly, as if a random girl sobbing uncontrollably was just a normal occurrence. I cried, and I sobbed, until I caved and called Chuck.

He was worried, and of course he asked if I was okay, but he said he was studying, and no, there was no magic. He just talked for me for a bit, told me to get up from that bench and to call and Uber home, and that was it. He did not dramatically rush over to my bench, nor was he already there waiting for me when I said I was going to walk home. None of that happened, because it's real life.

I eventually got up, reminded myself that all I have in this life is myself, and walked home. Simple as that.

I had secretly thought about this day, it was always approaching, and secretly, deep in the back of my mind. And when it finally came, it was just another day. It wasn't spectacular or mystifying like I secretly hoped it would be, it was just another day. Another day in my life, a normal and prosaic day, with work and school, exams and all. There was nothing spectacular and nothing special, as I say once again, it was just another day.

And as it got closer to the end, the hope I had for magic was dwindling dramatically, as I sadly realized that it was just another day, and that I shouldn't have hoped for otherwise.

I don't need Chuck, and I can take care of myself, and if anything from last night says anything, I should just take care of myself.

The Kindest Parts

"To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times, what people need is NOT a brilliant mind that speaks, but a special heart that listens." 

-

"Just give him some space, and you guys are going to be fine." Matthew had said.

"I am giving him space, by making the choice to never talk to him again." I said, cheerfully. I was just going to walk away again, it was totally going to be fine. Chuck could stop me if he wanted to. I continued to type up my notes for my Genetics exam, and drinking my Cranberry Red Bull. But no matter what I did, I just kept having this strange feeling inside of me.

It was this gut feeling telling me that this was not what I was supposed to do, this wasn't the real Blair. Running away from Chuck and just walking away- that is fine for the Chuck who was an asshole, but not for the one that's trying. He gave up a lab to be there for me when I was sad, and he is a human, and it entitles him to have space and time for himself, and to make small mistakes, and to be busy. So if he was trying, should I be too?

And as much as I didn't want to admit it, the whole thing scared me. That was why I didn't tell anyone that Chuck was back in my life, that was why I lost my shit and was about to dip- because this genuinely scared me. The feelings that I have, and what could happen, it terrifies me. I could be heartbroken even more than I was the first time, but also, at the same time, he made me feel something for the first time, in forever.

He brings out the kindest parts of me, the emotional parts, the parts that I would otherwise hide, in fear of being perceived weak. And so, was I really going to be mad, or was I going to be kind?

In the movies, the guy always shows up at the last minute to win her back, after she has not changed. She remains the exact same heroine as before, and the guy just shows up, and he's changed- even though she is untouched. But real life doesn't work that way, and in order to repair something that fell apart, or to travel alongside each other after such a long time, there must be change. There must be change in both, as the paces of life have slowed up or sped up, but to be alongside each other, you have to adjust and you have to change. You can't remain the same and expect someone to follow you.

And really, was this heartless, emotionless, indifferent (but still sassy, brazen, bold) person, the person I wanted to be? Of course not. I wanted to be the Blair that cares so much that she pours her heart out, the Blair who smiles when she wakes up, and laughs without worry. The one who isn't afraid of looking weak, and is still strong and fiercely independent. So if Chuck was going to try, I would too.

Blair: I'm sorry that I overreacted like that, I just would have appreciated if you had said something. Good luck on your code! Don't stress out too much/
Chuck: I know, it is really my fault, thank you

Although jaded and guarded, I just had to be kind. When there's someone that you care about, you can't just assume that they're going to drop everything and accommodate you, there has to be compromise and there has to be understanding. And so, I decided that the attitude and the expectation of Chuck needed to prove that he deserved me, I let it go. Because deep down, I knew that he was trying to.

"So we are friends, now, and I use that term loosely. I like him, and I'm very attracted to him, but at the same time I don't know," I admitted to Shane, as we walked through the streets. It was okay that things weren't crystal clear, sometimes a little mystery is a good thing.

"Oh my god, he's your Abner," Shane said, laughing uncontrollably. I gave him side eye and shook my head.

"Chuck is not Abner. Abner is gross."

"Well let's see here, he is socially awkward, his face looks goofy, he is a scrawny little man, and he smells offensive, who does that sound like? ABNER."

"Chuck is not Abner!"

"He's Abner, Blair, he's Abner."

The Elizabeth Bui Resignation Letter Because The Odyssey Online Fucking Sucks

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.”
-Aldous Huxley, Complete Essays 2, 1926-29

-

"But you've only written an article, Blair, how can you possibly make this decision?"

People always say that I am a very perceptive writer, that I'm insightful and that I have a way with words. I am always clearly and concisely conveying what I intend, and never have I doubted the things that I write or the things that I say. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt doubtful, as the article that was posted on the Odyssey Online made me feel like my poignant piece of writing had been belittled to rookie fluff.

I have no problems with fluffer pieces, I have no problem with entertainment pieces that make people laugh, pieces that fill up lunch breaks and random mornings. Little lists, little blurbs, little pieces that are a little break in mundane life, they are imperative to our daily lives, whether we realize it or not. I love fluff, fluff is life, but fluff is not what the piece I submitted to the Odyssey Online. But what should I expect, from an unprofessional organization and the unprofessional editor-in-chief that was promoted.

I know about writing. I know about journalism. I have years of experience, as I have blogged (quite successfully, if I may add) vividly about my personal experiences since I could type. I was Editor-in-Chief of my school paper for my high school paper for two years, Features Editor for one, and a staff writer my freshman year. Those years of experienced made me tremendously capable when it came to InDesign, editing, and editorial work, among many other things. Those life skills have carried me, and taught me and immense amount about journalism, and professionalism. Neither of which The Odyssey Online contains.

I have never worked for a place that has begged their employees to get them to apply- that does not pick the cream of the crop, but merely allows anyone who wishes to enter the membrane of the organization. I have never worked for a place who does not genuinely and seriously interview their candidates, or fully process them.

I have never worked for an organization that is so rushed to hire a leader that they push aside all other canidates, as Leah Gay said to me, "I have an EIC candidate I am on the second round of interviews with right now, I know this is all moving super fast! Super exciting! I will let you know if I am still looking for one."

Moving fast- to fill a role of a leader? And to not even consider other candidates, just because you are so desperate to fill a role, that you would just give it to the person furthest along in the interview process? It is not exciting to be dismissed or not given an opportunity because ONE PERSON is further along in the interview process. It is not exciting that everyone is so hurried and rushed that the desperation reeks from this organization to keep it functioning.

Which is no wonder that the person rushed into the role lacks professionalism and cannot fill their role- I have NEVER worked for an organization that cannot spell the name of an individual properly. And of course, the person chosen to fill the coveted leadership role cannot spell my name correctly, nor can they properly consult me when editing my article.

When you write something, you put your name out on it. And to publish something that someone wrote, without showing someone the shreds remaining of their work, covered by your rushed editing and fluff, that is disrespectful to me, and that reeks of unprofessionalism. Writers don't even get to see the final product that their name is attached to? What is that? To comment that someone's piece, written from their heart and soul is not captivating and needs "added pictures" to enthrall people- that's pathetic. I don't write fluff and I don't write lists, I write seriously and earnestly.

And with that, I must say that I am choosing to resign from my position. The lack of professionalism and lack of respect, it's not something that I would ever willingly participate in.

Elizabeth Bui

Couldn't and Wouldn't

“If you want to call it quits, just tell me. Man up and say it to my face. Don’t just skulk around.” 

-J.M. Richards

-

In about two seconds, Serena went from "aww," to, "what the FUCK?"

"BLAIR, WHAT THE FUCK? HE JUST DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?"

"Yeah, after he kissed me goodbye and said he'd message me, and having sex with me, after I messaged him he just read all my messages and ignored me," I said, shaking my head. I couldn't believe that I was so fucking stupid. How could I ever think that Chuck had changed? What was I thinking? I wasn't this stupid girl, I was Blair fucking Bui, a boss ass bitch and a strong ass woman.

"Oh my god, I would have gone off on him, that fucking dumb ass."

"WELL, that's why I called him four times at like, one in the morning, I was going to yell the fuck out of him but his dumb ass didn't answer back."

"OH MY GOD, He's such a fucking dumb ass."

Serena never failed to call or be there during the hard times, even though she was miles and miles away in Minnesota, it felt like she was right there with me in my apartment, watching late night infomercials and eating dark chocolate gelato.

"Yeah, I know, he's fucking stupid, but I'm fine, I was sad, like I cried for five minutes and then I was like, 'fuck him, he's stupid.'" I said, as I scooped out another perfectly domed scoop of Talenti. I had been eating healthier recently, but fuck it, this was an emergency.

"Yeah, he's getting cut off."

"Yeah, I'm sure he's going to wonder what I was going to say, and he's going to expect me to message him or say something, but fuck him, I'm never talking to him again." I smelled the pants and sweatshirt he had given me from across the room. UGH, I had forgotten that this asshole had given me his smelly ass clothes- and I had gone to class in them!

"I think he used you Blair," Serena said, as I was completely silent. "I think he used you and he didn't even know it, his dumb ass didn't even know it. Because he slept with you and now this is happening."

There was no way, Chuck didn't know how to use people, that would require actual knowledge and street smarts. He was the school smart, street stupid one, he always ways. He never knew  how to say what he wanted to say, he never knew what he was supposed to say; he was socially awkward and he didn't know how to use people. Chuck could never manipulate anyone- me on the other hand, I knew how to get what I wanted.

"But he isn't smart enough to manipulate anyone."

"He's a dumbass. I would tell you to have sex with him one more time, and then never talk to him again, but his dumb ass probably wouldn't even catch on. He's a dumb ass."

-

I woke up in the morning, and saw that he had seen my calls. No way in fuck was he going to do this to me, no way in fuck was he allowed to do this to me. He couldn't and he wouldn't.

"What's up?" Chuck said, as he picked up the phone. He voice was stern and serious.

"You didn't say anything back."

"I've been busy," he said, as there was a space of silence between the two of us.

"When people say things to other people, you say something back."

"What?"

"You couldn't have said anything?" I responded, obviously upset. Chuck Cuevas wasn't allowed to do this to me, he couldn't.

"I was busy, I told you I was going to be busy. I told you I probably wasn't going to call or respond because I'm busy and I'm going to be busy for the next four days," Chuck responded irritated. That boy did not tell me he was going to be busy, because if he had told me he was busy, I would not have almost lost my shit.

"You did not."

"I did, right before you left my room."

"You said you were going to code but that's it," I said, snipply. Chuck had always thought I could read this mind, or something. And I couldn't, and wouldn't. He needed to learn to express how he felt, because it was exhausting trying to analyze his whack ass. And I couldn't and wouldn't.

"I thought that implied that I was busy, Blair."

"That's it? You're busy?"

"Yes, Blair."

I took a deep breath, trying to stop the words from coming out of my mouth, but I couldn't help it. They came out, as I held on to dear life on my phone.

"You're not doing this, you don't get to do this to me. You don't get to be an asshole." My voice was loud and clear, and I was loud and clear.

"How am I an asshole?"

"You ignored me and didn't say anything- I'm not an unreasonable person, you could've just said you were busy and that would have been it- but you ignored me, Chuck."

"Next time," he responded, quietly. Next time? I didn't even get an apology.

"Next time?" I asked, sassily. Was there even going to be a next time for Chuck?

"Yes, Blair."

"Is that all you have to say?" I wanted an apology, and I wanted him to stop being such a dumb ass, but I knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Yeah-"

"Well, I'm going to let you get back to coding," I said, interrupting him, "And maybe you'll think of something to say."

Concrete Proof

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

-

TWO years.

TWO YEARS.

I mean I like him a lot and he makes me happy and everything, but TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS. And it's not like I didn't miss him, and it's not that I'm not happy that he's back, but two years is a really, really long ass fucking time. And I know that he said he'd wait for me, and I know that he said he doesn't care if I can't have kids, and I know that when he kisses me it's absolutely magical and electrifying, and just... everything about him.

He brings out this side of me, this sweet, romantic, kind girl who thinks that waiting for someone is romantic, and that people deserve second changes. This girl who gives people second chances, and gives people the benefit of the doubt. A girl who smiles when she sees him, and has her heart beat faster and faster. This girl who thinks about him, wonders what he's been up to, and can't wait to see him again.

AND I'M NOT THIS GIRL, okay? I'm suppposed to be Blair Bui, who is cynical and tough, strong and a lone wolf. A girl who walks away and doesn't wait for anyone. A woman who flips her hair, puts on her lipstick, and acts like she doesn't have a single care in the entire world.

And I don't know what I want or what I'm supposed to want, it's like everything that I've been preaching doesn't fit my puzzle, and god, I can't believe that no one has made me feel a damn thing for months except for Chuck Fucking Cuevas.

And I know why, and I hate why, but it's the reason why, and it's always been the reason why. And I know it's because no one else is Chuck, and that's why I've been missing that fire. Because they're not Chuck, no one is Chuck.

And now I'm sitting here, stuffing Caesar salad in my mouth, wondering what he's thinking and what he's been up to, and what I'm even supposed to do. And my heart screams to listen to it, and my mind screams to listen to it, and they're both screaming at me and I just can't take it.

I took a deep breath, and sighed. "Okay, well what would you tell a client, if they came to you in this situation?"

Client Profile

Name: Blair Bui
Contact Information: (xxx) xxx-xxxx
Type of Consultation: Relationship/Break Up
Summary: Blair and her ex-boyfriend broke up spontaneously after approximately a year and a half of dating bliss. They tried to be friends after they broke up, but they kept sleeping together, as she dated (and slept with) other guys. She felt like her ex, Chuck, wasn't there for her like he should be, when she always always there for her. She thought he was a piece of shit, and that if he really wanted to be with her, he would. He told her that he couldn't be with anyone at the moment, because he had to figure himself out- if he could date her, he would. If he were to be with anyone, he would be with her. But she felt like if he really wanted to be with her, he would. She stopped talking to him, and he never fought for her or said anything about it. He never tried to talk to her, or to say anything to her, until her friend asked for her things back, and he kept messaging her with passive-aggressive messages that were kind of petty. She eventually contacted him, and they talked, he told her that he had never said anything to her because it seemed like she didn't want to talk to him. He told her that he wouldn't be ready for like, two years, and that he would think of a good plan to get her back. She saw that he was kind of falling apart without her, and she wanted to be there for him, but was too afraid of having feelings for him again, so she said no. Two weeks later, she decided they could be friends anything. Chuck put everything aside to be there for her, and to talk to her. He told her that he missed her, and if he really could be with her, that he would. They both have feelings for each other, and really missed each other. Chuck said that if she asked him to wait, he would, and he told her that he doesn't care if she can't have kids. But now, Blair doesn't know what she should do- part of her is telling her that if he genuinely wanted to be with her, he would make it happen. Another part of her is telling her that she needs to consider the fact that he genuinely cannot be with him, and if she really cared for him, she would at least consider waiting for him, if he is worth it to her. 

Okay, Blair, now what would you tell a client that presents this problem to you?

You two definitely have a complicated past, and it's clear that he's trying to put forward effort in order to show you that you mean something to him. But did you really climb out of the ditch he threw you in, and climb the mountain of moving forward with your life, to go back to him? Sure, he might act like he cares and that he wants to move forward with you, but who knows if this is just a phase? He seems a little bit wishy-washy, and you need concrete evidence and concrete proof that he is worth it to you, if he is worth going back, especially when you could be hurt even more than you were before. He might have hurt you once, but if he hurts you again, it's going to be a lot more painful, especially since you gave him a second change. You need to wait for a definite and clear sign that he is worth going back for, especially when you've moved forward so much in your life.

BUT at the same time, you have to consider the fact that he might not understand what is going on- I mean, he might not understand that you think if he wanted to be with you, that he would. He might genuinely not be able to- even if he really, really wants to. He might not be able to give you what you (and he) wants right now, even if he wants to, because it's clear that he needs to figure out how to handle and balance things in his life right now. But just because there's a promise that was made- one of two years, by the way- doesn't mean that it's going to definitely happen that way, he could wake up one morning and decide that he's changed his mind and doesn't want to be with you at all! That is why you need genuine evidence that he is worth risking this for- you seem very scared, and nervous, and that's okay, it happens. People don't always know what to do. Be kind with him, be patient with him, but don't make any decisions regarding him until you have proof that he's worth it. Because you've gone so far, and you've done so much, and moving back could have serious consequences that you don't realize, because you're so excited to have him back in your life.

I just needed to know if he was worth it, but how can you tell these things?