When Chuck and I first broke up, in a desperate, last attempt kind of way, I compiled a bunch of stories, and arranged them, in a How I Met Your Mother kind of fashion. It was a sad, desperate, and lame attempt to get him to reconsider the choices he had made- I was foolish and didn't fully realize what was really going on around me. I never told anyone that I did this, and the only other people who have read this story besides Chuck (who I honestly think didn't even read it), is Serena and Willa. So, I have pasted the ENTIRE long ass text, unabridged and unedited, the full text which reeks of desperation and self-pity.
But it's one damn of a prequel and will fill in all the little Chuck and Blair holes that exist, that you might have been wondering about while reading my blog.
Enjoy!
-Blair
The Prequel
Tonight was the night.
Red lace panties on, sexy black lace bra, tonight was going to be the night that I lost my virginity. I had known Haz for the past couple years of my life- he was one of my good friends in high school, and I always had a growing suspicion that he was secretly in love with me.
Okay, a very much present suspicion that had been present since, well, ever.
I had never been really into him until that fateful night that the two of us spent in August.
It was the first friday night of college, and after picking me up from a date that had completely busted, Haz and I were sitting and talking in my room.
As the moonlight shone through my dorm room window, and the stars glittered at night, I had never really seen Haz in that way. We laid arm to arm, leg to leg, as we secretly grew closer and closer, as we laid in my bed. Innocently, we laid, the only sound being the sound of our hearts beating and the indie music playing in the background. The two of us had talked the entire night, and had just simply laid there. We talked about everything that night, and I had never wanted that night to end.
“Are you ticklish, Blair?” he asked, looking at me.
I laughed.
“Yeah, of course I’m ticklish,” I said, giggling. Little did I know, having a guy ask if you’re ticklish is the ultimate gateway question. In a moment, he started tickling me, and we somewhat cutely, but mostly awkwardly fumbled around in my bed, until we were face to face.
I don’t really remember everything that happened that night, I just remember the very gentle details, as they have faded over time, but I do remember what happened next- he leaned in, and kissed me.
Somehow, Haz grew the courage to lean in, and kiss me, as This Town Needs Guns played softly in the background, and the world stopped for a moment. He never knew it, and I’ll never tell him, but that was my first kiss. It was the first time a guy ever touched me, the first time a guy ever got that close to me- and the first time I ever wanted a boy to kiss me.
And I wish I could say things were more romantic after that moment, but they weren’t. There was just this internal gut feeling inside of me, telling me not to date him, and that he was not boyfriend material. So, for the next six months, he and I were titleless, even though we spent so much time together, and he had taken a lot of my firsts. Except one.
Which brings us exactly to the moment where I was at that time, in my red lace panties and black lace bra, ready to give him everything that I could.
The two of us had decided over winter break that we were going to think about each other- whether to commit or to move forward. And I had finally decided that I wanted to be with Haz. He was unconventional, and completely not my type, but that was okay! He had his quirks. This was going to happen,and everything was going to be just like in the movies- this picture perfect “losing my virginity” moment where my first time was going to feel magical and spectacular.
There was a knock at the door, and I opened it, only to have Haz walk in.
“Come here, let’s cuddle on the bed!” I said, sitting down. Haz just stood there, feet firmly planted.
“I don’t think so, Blair, I should probably stand,” Haz said, staring at me.
I pulled off my dress, and sat there, in my undergarments. He looked at me for a second, sighed, and said,
“I hooked up with someone.”
He hooked up with someone.
He hooked up with someone.
He hooked up with someone.
“Wait, what?” I said, shocked. “What do you mean?”
“This girl and I…Amanda. We hooked up at a party.” And as those words shattered my heart, I held my tears in, taking deep breaths.
“But we were supposed to have sex tonight- you were supposed to take my virginity. And we were supposed to be together. Because I love you, Haz.”
“Blair.. if this was two months ago, I would have, in a heartbeat. But we’re in college and I have a date next week and-”
“Get out,” I said, quietly. “You should leave,” I said.
“I think you’re one for me, and the endgame, it’s just not now.”
And I pretended to be okay, initially, I went shopping on State Street and pretended to be like, “Oh, whatever, HAZ.”
But then I handled things like any other woman in my situation would do.
I listened to Stay by Rihanna for days straight, and laid in bed and cried. I was betrayed, and things weren’t supposed to end this way.
-
I was empty inside and felt like a complete mess, I even rebounded with a random guy in my Chemistry class. As I walked to my room, moping around, Vanessa stopped me, and looked at me-
“You should do something that will make you happy, like go plan a program or something to take your mind off of it. Okay, Haz was an ass, and Bill was ugly. So you’re going to be fine.”
“I can’t believe he cheated on me,” I admitted, as I felt that feeling inside of my gut again.
“Yeah, but he was an asshole, and you deserved so much better,” Vanessa said, giving me a hug.
-
“I’M REGINA,” Chelsea said, as she opened the doors. We all stood by the exit, and laughed. Chelsea was a stereotypical “basic hot girl-” she had everything to complete that stereotype. She was skinny, bitchy, extremely basic, and a total bitch. She was conventionally hot, and acted like she was the hottest thing in the entire universe- just because a few sleazy frat guys bowed down at her feet.
“You’re the dumb stupid girl,” Vanessa said, laughing. “You’re Karen!”
I let out an accidental chuckle, and covered my mouth, once Chelsea’s eyes darted over.
“SO? Blair’s GRETCHEN,” Chelsea said, cackling. Just as I opened my mouth to answer, the door behind us smacked open, and hit me with a blow.
“OW, WHAT THE FUCK?!” I said, turning to face the culprit. An awkward, lanky guy stood there, as I glared at him.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”
“UGH, it’s fine,” I responded, icily. The rest of us continued to the dining hall, where we continued the Mean Girls role designation debate. What the fuck was that kid thinking?
We all went to the dining hall, and as my friends sat and talked about random, mindless things, I just couldn’t stop thinking about-
“I’m so sorry.”
I looked up, to see the same kid standing there.
“It’s fine.” I said, insisting. I got up to grab some more food, and as I placed some more mashed potatoes on my plate-
“I’m so sorry.”
I looked to my right, to see the same kid, standing there, once again.
“It’s fine.”
I gave him a look, and then walked away, heading to grab another drink. I poured some pink lemonade in a cup, and then topped the top of it with Sierra Mist. What was his deal? He hit me with a door, I gave him bitchy side eye, he apologized, I walked away.
“I’m so sorry.”
I looked over, to see the same kid, staring right at me.
“IT’S FINE.”
-
I was sitting in my room that night, when suddenly there was a knock at the door.
“UGH, is it that kid who hit me with the fucking door again?”
I got up, opened the door, and saw someone standing there that I had completely not expected.
“Can I come in?” Haz asked, as my foot stayed in placed.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I responded, coldly.
I don’t remember much from that night, all I remember is what happened after hours of talking and arguing. All I remember- clear as day, is this.
“My chances of being with Samantha are one in a million. it’s like that one in a million, ridiculous chance of never happening. Like standing at the free throw line, facing backwards, and trying to throw a basketball over your shoulder to make a basket. It doesn’t happen,” Haz said, looking at me. “She’s one in a million.”
And as he said that, all I desperately wanted was someone to feel that way about me. That I was that one in a million chance, that I was that extraordinary girl who would be the muse of convoluted quotes at midnight. I wanted someone to talk about me, just like this asshole was talking about this random girl.
I wanted to be loved.
-
As I walked into the dining hall, I saw my old friends sitting at a table, all their beady eyes staring back at me. Because of recent events, such as my boyfriend cheating on me with a phone sex operator and a nudie picture tumblr blogger, I had done a lot of soul searching. So, the vapid, bitchy, and superficial girls that I used to hang out with- not really my crowd anymore. It was a combination of the fact that they were all actually terrible, and the fact that they let me rot in my room for like four days straight, listening to Stay by Rihanna. In that moment, I knew what I had to do-
I literally turned around, and completely sprinted from the dining hall. In a panic I lost my critical thinking skills, and just simply ran. I ran to the entrance of the dorm building, and as I stood there, I realized something.
I couldn’t get in, because I had left my id in the dining hall.
“FUCK.” I said, as two guys appeared from around the corner. I had recognized one, he had dark brown hair, and was somewhat conventionally attractive, a James Franco type of guy. Next to him, was a skinny, tall, and lanky guy.
“Hey, you’re on hall council with me, right? James?”
He nodded.
“So...can you do me a favor?” I said, flirtatiously. I flipped my hair a little and smiled back at him.
“Sure, what is it?,” he asked, smiling back.
“Can you grab my id from the dining hall? I dropped it when I left, I saw some girls that I’m not friends with anymore...and I kind of just ran,” I admitted, as awkward and lanky boy stood by him.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll be right back,” he said.
As soon as James returned, he placed the id in my hand.
“Thank you so much, I was trying to avoid those assholes. I’m Blair,” I said, laughing.
“We’ve met before, I’m Bertram,” awkward lanky guy said.
“OH RIGHT, YOU HIT ME WITH THE DOOR!” I said, remembering.
“Yes, that was me,” Bertram responded, meekly.
“Anyways, if you’re ever trying to get away from the girls on the floor, I live on the fifth floor, and I could always use a distraction,” James said, with a smile.
“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind, thanks.” I said.
-
“What floor did that guy live on again?” I thought, as I walked up the stairs.
FIFTH.
I walked up, and then opened the door, only to see Bertram and James sitting at a table.
“Oh hey Blair, what’s up?,” James said, getting up from his seat. He walked over to me, as a short blond boy walked out of his room.
“So, I’m planning a movie night...and you guys should totally go!” I said, enthusiastically. I flashed my best “I’m-hot-so-you-should-come.” smile, and gave him a coy little look.
“Sure, sounds fun,” James said, what time?
“Seven o’ clock!” I said, smiling. “It’s going to be-”
“COME LOOK AT MY SPEAKERS!”
We all turned, to see the short blond boy, holding up a set of water speakers. He was short, stout, blond and basic. What can I say?
“Come on, I’ll plug them in!”
We all followed him to his room, where his even shorter Asian roommate was standing, ready to blast whatever terrible music these guys were planning for these speakers.
Small blond boy plugged them in, and as dubstep played, water and lights blasted everywhere, as these guys stood in awe. And as I stood there, awkwardly.
-
I hurried back to my room, to rally a good group of people so that I seem like a total social pariah, even though I truthfully was. I looked around, until I spotted brown curly hair walking down a hallway.
“WAIT!” I said, rushing over. The girl turned around, and looked at me.
“So, I’m having this movie tonight, and you should totally go!” I said, smiling, “We’re watching American Hustle and eating cupcakes, so..”
She looked at me, and nodded politely.
“It’ll be fun!” I said, giving her my best “I’m not a huge bitch, I swear!” smile.
“Okay, well give me five minutes, and I will be right out!,” she responded.
As no one showed up, and I sat there awkwardly, with my pile of cupcakes, I knew I had to at least get someone to come, so James didn’t think I was a total loser.
I walked down the hall, trying to remember her name. What was her name again?
WILLA.
I knocked on her door.
“Who is it?,” a voice said, as I heard shuffling inside of the room.
“It’s me, Blair! Are you coming to my movie night?” I asked.
“Yeah...I’ll be out,” Willa said.
-
Even though the movie night was long over, James stayed with me and we talked. He had one hundred percent flirted with me, and I had a feeling that he was trying to get it. It was obvious- he had stayed later than he needed to, and also basically trekked across the residence hall just to go to a movie night!
I walked over to Willa.
“Do you think he likes me?” I asked, gesturing over to James.
“HIM? Yeah, he’s cute right?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, definitely. But I think he has a girlfriend, my friend’s roommates with him, so I can totally ask!” Willa said, typing into her phone. Even though a couple hours ago, she was a total rando, she actually was pretty cool.
After typing on her phone, and waiting for that little ping, she looked up.
“Yeah, he definitely has a girlfriend,” she replied.
“But he’s totally into me- he totally thinks I’m hot!” i said, laughing.
“Okay, so here’s what you do-” she paused, and then looked at me. I nodded, to show that I completely understood where she was coming from.
“You talk to him, keep flirting with him, and if he mentions his girlfriend, that’s it- if not, just ignore it.”
“You’re totally right!” I said, laughing. “I’ll just go on over there, and keep flirting with him.”
Before judge Willa and I, I will have to admit to you that I had slightly skewed morals at that time, I was young and blinded by a guy who wasn’t even that hot. Willa would admit to me a couple months later that she never thought that James was hot, but that she just pretended to, because she had just met me and because we had just become friends.
I got up, looked over at Willa, who gave me a nod of affirmation, and started to walk over to James, in the sexiest way that I could.
“Hey, thanks for coming,” I said, flipping my long, black hair.
“Oh, it’s no big deal,” James said, laughing. “I wanted to come hang out with you,” he added, leaning in a bit. I looked over to Willa, only to see her being held up by some tall guy with baby dreads.
The two of us talked, and flirted; I completely ignored any of the surroundings around me. We talked, and laughed, until-
“...Jager,” he said, finishing his thought. I had completely zoned out, and forgotten what he had said.
“I’ve never had Jager before!” I said, trying to salvage what was left of our conversation. It was the truth though, I had never drunk before college- the first drink I ever had was Dragonberry Bacardi and Sprite.
“Really? Jager bombs?”
I shook my head.
He looked down at his watch, “What time is it? I think 7-11 might still be open right now.”
“Damn,” I thought to myself, “This kid must be really fucking thirsty because it’s like 11 pm on a Thursday night and he’s about to walk to 7-11.”
“Well, first of all, it’s Thursday night,” I said, laughing. “So how about tomorrow night instead?” I said, suggesting. James paused for a moment, and then nodded.
“You’re right, it’s a little late.”
“But we could totally swap numbers now?” I asked, with a coy smile. I handed my phone over to James, and as he typed, I looked at my peripheral to see Willa, nodding and smiling at me. He handed me my phone back, I excused myself for a moment, and then walked over to Willa.
“I totally just gave him my number!” I said, giggling. It was probably the first time since the break up that I had felt like a boss ass bitch- the hook up with Bill the week before wasn’t necessarily a self esteem booster, especially with how things turned out.
Long story short, I met Bill in my chemistry class and we had gone back to my room to flirt and work on our lab reports. After flirting copious amounts and laughing over the stupidest things, we decided to take a break and watch Archer. And then we started making out. And then he had his hand up my skirt, and as things started to get steamy, I told him to spank me, and he pulled out faster than a speeding bullet. He looked at me, shocked, and I was essentially confused as fuck. Girl way out of his league, hooking up with him, asked him to spank her...and he just stops everything? Our hook up ended awkwardly, not just because he got dressed and got the fuck out of there, telling me this long and elaborate story about how he likes relationships and was intimidated by my hotness, but because when I walked into chemistry lab the next day, our TA’s assigned us lab partners, and guess who I got? No-Spank Boy.
Willa turned to respond, and as I got up to go back to my seat next to James, another girl sprinted and sat, right where I had been approximately seventeen seconds before. Willa snorted.
“Blair...I’m so sorry, but that was so funny!” She said, laughing. “Oh my god.”
James eventually left that night, but even though he did, Willa and I sat there in the lounge, talking, laughing, and just having a great time.
“See, I thought Haz was gay but then I started to see you two walking around, and I was like, ‘whoops, nevermind!’” She laughed.
“Yeah, we definitely aren’t a thing anymore,” I replied, awkwardly.
“What happened?”
“He cheated on me with this fat hipster girl that posts nudes of herself on her tumblr blog,” I said, embarassed.
“HE cheated on YOU??!” Willa yelled. “SERIOUSLY?”
I nodded.
“Well, if it makes you feel better, my ex boyfriend told me that he cheated on me on my birthday. He was scum,” she laughed. And in that instant, somehow I found myself laughing about Haz, for the first time since I found out he cheated. And it actually felt completely amazing.
-
Hey, Blair, so I forgot to mention this, but I have a girlfriend. So I don’t think us drinking tonight would be a good idea.
I showed the text to Willa, who laughed.
“Well, at least he admitted that he has a girlfriend,” she said, laughing. “And he still wants to hang out with you?”
“Yeah, he’s been texting me all day!”
“Okay, he obviously is attracted to you,” she explained, “So you should totally just make out with him.”
Immediately as I walked through the doors of the residence halls, I got a text.
Want to hang out now? Grab dinner at the caf and then back to my place?
I looked around, hesitantly. Was this kid stalking me?
Okay, sure! Give me a bit!
I hurried up to my room, pulled on a black sexy top, and a blush cardigan to tone it down. I had found myself venturing from the preppy attire that I had worn- my style had become edgier, sassier, and I think I had too, in the process. I was going to do something ballsy, and also kind of terrible, and young, meek, Blair would have never done this- with her bow headbands and her polos.
We met up for dinner, and hung out with his friend, who was so clearly the buffer between us. He was so obviously there so that nothing would happen between the two of us, and the fact that James needed to have him there, told me everything that I needed to know.
He totally likes you.
I know! He totally thinks I’m hot!
Willa and I had become fast friends, and I couldn’t wait to tell her everything tomorrow.
Even though this was supposed to be a friendly encounter, he so obviously had feelings for me, as he kept trying to get closer- not just emotionally, but also physically.
“Do you guys want to drink?”
I turned around to see the short blond guy, once again. His name was JD, which I determined to stand for Just a Douche, from the many times that I hung out with him.
I’m going to skip the long, boring parts of this story which involve me drinking a good amount of Redds and James obviously flirting with me, in front of all of his friends.
“I need to use the bathroom,” I said, getting up from JD’s bed that James and I were sitting on. I walked over to James’ room, checked my hair, and then started to walk out when he appeared out of absolutely no where.
“Let’s head back, Blair,” he suggested, putting his arm on my waist. Um, didn’t he have a girlfriend? James leaned in a little, as I pulled away.
“You have a girlfriend.” I said, insistently. It was my inner “girl who got cheated on” coming out.
“I know, but you’re so hot,” he said. And in that time of my life, “Blair, you’re so hot” were the four magic words, due to my combination of naivety and low self esteem. I looked at him, and then walked back to his room, to grab my phone- WILLA HAD TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!
I sat on his bed, texting, as he sat down next to me. I don’t know how the following event happened, but he did. James and I made out, he carried me to a chair, and then my shirt and bra came off as he awkwardly sucked on my nips.
It truthfully wasn’t very enjoyable, but I was also drunk out of my ass.
“Blair you’re sooo hot,” James said, once again.
“I know,” I responded, sassily. I paused for a moment, and realized that I had been living wrong- I had been passive aggressive, shy, and meek. I had let people dictate things and boss me around, but now- I was in charge.
“All your friends think so, too.” I added, as I flipped a single piece of hair over my shoulder.
“I know, they all do. Don’t tell Bertram that I’m doing this, he’d be so disappointed.”
“I know, he thinks I’m super hot,” I laughed, giving James a seductive smile. He was fawning over me like I was the hottest thing around- and honestly, I kind of loved it.
“Have you sucked dick before?”
WAIT, DID HE JUST ASK ME THAT?
It’s like that moment where the record scratches, and you’re left sitting there, like, “Did this actually happen?”
“Um, yes,” I responded, awkwardly.
“Want to do it again?” James asked, pulling me a bit closer.
“Uh, no, not really,” I said, laughing. Was this kid serious?
“Do you have condoms in your room? I don’t have condoms here.”
And in a millisecond, I got off of his lap, and stood up. I wanted to scream, “I just wanted to make out with you!” but I just stood there, in shock that this kid, who was just rejected for a blowjob, thought that I was actually going to sleep with him.
I remember putting my clothes back on, watching JD and James gossip and whisper, and then going home, as if nothing happened. But something did happen, and I was definitely never going to forget it.
-
I had become the social pariah of the residence hall, everyone looked at me like I was a slut. And who was to blame them? It was my word against JD and James, and they let everyone know what happened. Slutty, trashy Blair Bui knew that James had a girlfriend, and came on to him, and he tried to resist, but didn’t because she was so incredibly slutty.
“I can’t believe no one believes me,” I cried, sitting on Willa’s bed. “I just wanted to do something stupid, not have everyone think I’m a slut.”
“I know,” she said, giving me a hug. “Guys suck, and all you can do is ignore them. They’re literally garbage, and literally nothing. You’re so much better than that. James is nothing, and JD is nothing, and all you can do is stand high, and not give a fuck.”
And in that moment, I realized that I had essentially no reputation, no boyfriend, and was kind of alone in this, because I had dropped those terrible friends I had before. But then I realized that I wasn’t, because I had made one friend that was actually real, and actually genuine.
-
I had changed so much ever since that incident, I decided to not care about what others think, and I had found myself to be more sassy, assertive, and honestly bold. My virgin hair had been dyed ombre, and I had found myself dressing a lot more fashionable and edgy than before- and I had loved this new Blair.
Willa and I had become the best of friends, and I had found myself a lot looser than before.
Chelsea and I had gone to a party, and I had made out with one there, and left with a completely different one- something that I never would have thought that I would do in my wildest dreams. As I walked out of Sexy Drake’s dorm room at 4 am in the morning, I had a revelation.
- That was the hottest guy I had ever hooked up with in my entire life.
- I was actually having the time of my life.
-
“Blair’s just been getting it over these past two weeks,” Vanessa said, laughing. The three of us sat in my room, reminiscing over the adventures that I had been having.
“I’m just going to ignore that Sexy Drake tried to do butt stuff with me, and that Alejandro will NOT leave me alone,” I admitted, laughing.
“Okay, so what exactly happened?” Vanessa asked, curiously.
“So, Chelsea-”
Chelsea had been the absolute bane of my existence, and the only thing from my previous life that I was incapable of getting rid of. She was rude, racist, and a complete jerk. Chelsea would relish in telling me that guys thought that she was hotter than me, and that she was the hottest thing on campus, a title given to her by the douchiest of frat guys.
“So we went to this guy Alejandro’s party, and after I got drunk for a bit, I was making out with Alejandro in his room. We were making out, and then after Chelsea barged in on me, I totally left, because he was talking about asking me out and other things like that.”
“He told her that her eyes were beautiful,” Willa added, laughing.
“So, then I went back to the party, got drunker, and flirted with Sexy Drake, who was playing beer pong and asked me to kiss his ping pong ball for good luck. We flirted, and I ended up sitting in his lap at this party, where we were totally flirting.”
“Oh my gosh Blair,” Vanessa said, interrupting.
“That’s not the best part,” Willa said.
“So, as I’m sitting in Sexy Drake’s lap, Alejandro comes up to me, and starts flirting with me!” I paused, for dramatic effect. “And so, at the end of the party, Alejandro kisses me goodbye, which I totally was confused about, and I went back to Sexy Drake’s room with him. And it would have been a good hook up, except for the fact that he would not stop trying to touch my bumhole.”
“Ugh, guys like that suck.”
“And what really made me feel like a boss ass bitch was after I blew Sexy Drake, his friend Abdullah sat right next to me on the couch, and tried to flirt with me, and SAT right where Sexy Drake finished.”
“WAIT,” Vanessa said, stopping me, “So right after you gave his best friend a blow job he tried to hook up with you?”
I nodded.
“Yup, and I was just sitting there like, ‘I totally just sucked your best friend’s dick, what are you doing?’”
-
Summer started in a strange kind of way, Willa sent the awkward jewish kid that I briefly had a thing with a picture of the cat version of himself, and he had left for New York spontaneously without even saying good bye. I viewed that as a break up. And as I sat there, awkwardly, at the desk where I worked, I was suddenly distracted by a very cute med student.
“Hey. I’m Johnny,” he said.
“I’m Blair!”
“What are you studying for?” He asked, pointing at my color coded notes.
“Statistics. I need it for my pharmacy requirements,” I said. Suddenly, a delivery guy came through the door, with a huge box, and handed it to Johnny.
“What’d you get?” I asked, curiously.
“Chicken parmesan, do you want some?”
“What you should do,” the delivery guy said, “Is go upstairs and have this nice dinner with him right now.”
Was this a set up?
“I can’t leave work, but you can sit with me here!” I said, flashing my signature Blair Bui coy smile.
“Alright, I’ll be right back!” Johnny said, as he tipped the delivery driver. Johnny came back with a plate, fork, knife, and full on dinner. He and I sat, ate, and talked, and he turned out to be incredibly charming and funny. He was fourth year med student, 27, and nine years older than me. But he looked at me, and treated me like I was absolute hottest thing in the entire world. To be honest, at that point of my life, that’s how most guys looked at me, and how they treated me.
Once Johnny left, I immediately whipped out my phone, and texted Audrey.
Audrey and I had met when we were filing paperwork for the same job- she and I had become quick friends, and she was like an older sister figure to me.
WAIT, IS HIS NAME JOHNNY? JOHNNY BELCHER?
I looked at the text in front of me, how the fuck did she know?
As soon as my shift ended, I walked over to the front desk, where she was working.
“My ex boyfriend used to be Johnny’s roommate,” she explained, as she stapled a stack of papers together.
“Really?”
“Yeah- Johnny has everything. He’s smart, funny, and super hot! He’s Vice President of his class. My friends call him Caramel Delight.”
Just as I was about to ask a question, Audrey’s ex boyfriend appeared out of nowhere, and cut our conversation short.
-
“So basically, he waited until the end of my shift, followed me back to my apartment and then told me he still loved me and cried.”
My jaw dropped to the ground.
“I was not expecting that,” I said, in shock.
“And now he’s cancelling his contract and moving out of the building because it’s too painful for him to see me anymore,” she added.
“But how did things with Johnny go?”
“Well, he tricked me into losing my virginity,” I said, nonchalantly.
“WHAT?”
Johnny and I had hung out at his place a couple times, he had blamed it on his busy schedule, and even though I was not as naive as I was before, I still was naive. I thought that his inviting me over to cuddle and sleep over was sweet, but in reality, it was not.
“Can I put just the tip in?”
“Just the tip, Blair.”
Story of my autobiography- Just The Tip, Blair.
I didn’t realize it at the time that it happened, as he went deeper and deeper than just the tip, and how he just went ahead and took my virginity, even though I was so obviously uncomfortable and reluctant, but that night I lost my virginity was not something magical, and it didn’t change me. I was still the same Blair I was before, and it would be a long, long time before I would learn the truth of that night.
After Johnny, came Jake Kennedy, and after Jake Kennedy, came Johnny Belcher once again. I wish I had more memories, and more of a story for Jake Kennedy, because I’ll always remember fondly the summer we shared together, but the story was simple- he was a smart, educated young intern in Downtown Chicago, and he would come over to my apartment, bring me Pabst Blue Ribbon, and we would just lay and talk, then have sex. That’s it.
Sometimes I wish it was more romantic, but truthfully, most of the time I just take it as it was- a guy who was fun to hang out with, that didn’t make me stress out or freak out. He was cute, funny, and he was pretty decent at boning me, I guess.
As for Johnny Belcher, the man did not live up to the myth. He ate prunes, drank Metamucil, and lasted for five minutes. He had a refractory period of sixty minutes, and he would tell me that he watched asian porn, and call me a tight asian slice. Johnny never respected me or actually cared about me- he just thought that I was some nice young hot piece that he could treat however he wanted. And I let him, partially because I didn’t know better, but mostly because it made me feel special, and that it gave me a validation of sorts.
After Johnny, there was another, and he and I kept hooking up sporadically throughout the fall of my second year of college. I thought this was how things were going to be for a while- he and I would just be friends with benefits, although I received very little benefit from it. But sometimes, life surprises you.
-
I couldn’t get awkward nerdy guy out of my mind, I didn’t know what it was, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Oh my god, I love him,” Willa said, as she picked up another spoonful of butter chicken.
“He is actually my favorite, out of all the boys,” she added, giving me look. In the five minutes that I had told her about Chuck, she had managed to go through all his Facebook pictures, awwwing at every single one, and pointing out all the things that she thought was cute.
“I don’t know, he’s not really my-”
“Listen, I’m going to be honest- he’s probably not going to make a move, and you’re definitely going to have to do it. You said you talked that night and that you messaged a few times right? You have to make the first move.”
“WHAT? But guys always make the first move with me.”
“I know, but this guy here is probably thinking that you’re completely out of his league and he probably has no idea what to do. So you have to do it.”
I looked down at my phone, and sent a message.
Your favorite desk worker works tonight!
-
I put on another layer of my red lipstick, and opened the door, only to see Betty at the desk. I held my fake id in hand, and could not wait for her to see it.
“It looks so real!” She said, holding it up to the light.
“Where did you get it from?” a voice said, as I turned around. A tall, buxom African girl with long black hair sat there, eyes a metallic taupe color, and lashes long as they could be.
“I’ve been looking for one,” she added, “My name is Regina.”
-
Chuck had been gone for almost the entire summer, and I was at my breaking point. We had been dating for almost a year, and I was at the point where I had no idea what I was going to do. As I sat there, crying at the desk, I heard some footsteps appear.
“It’s going to be okay,” Kayresia said, rubbing my back. “I know it’s hard and that you miss him, but he’s going to be back. It’s only a week away, and you’ll be back with Chuck again.”
“I know,” I sobbed, as people walked past, “But it’s just so hard, having him thousands of miles away, I miss him and I want to tell him everything that’s going on, but I can’t, because he’s not here.”
Kayresia gave me a hug.
“Yeah, but he’s going to be back. And you have me, Casey, Regina, and all of your friends here supporting you.”
I wiped a single tear off of my face, “I know, and Willa and Audrey too. You guys are always there when I need you.”
-
As I stood there, realizing that what I had feared the most had come true, I heard a knock at the door.
“Okay, as soon as I saw your text I came right over,” Casey said, walking in. She put a pile of chocolate truffles, chocolate chips, and Nutella on the fridge. “And we can order a pizza or something. I can’t believe you and Chuck broke up,” she said, freaking out.
“I know, I thought we were going to be together,” I admitted, as she paced around the room.
“Was it because of last night?”
I didn’t even want to think about what happened- the single most important night of my life had crashed and burned into shambles, Friendsgiving ended up being a complete mess, and completely unlike anything I had even imagined. But it wasn’t that night that made me appreciate friendship- it was the aftermath.
As I spilled the complete and utter truth to Casey, she just nodded.
“I can’t believe that happened. But you’re Chuck and Blair.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But who knows what’s going to happen?”
-
As Casey and I walked into the elevator, I felt the La Croix shift in my bag. I could not believe that it had been a month and a half since that night, when Chuck and I broke up. But I was genuinely happy, and I felt a new beginning on the verge.
“Ugh, we should have totally gotten booze,” I admitted, looking down at the sparkling water in my bag.
“Yeah, whiskey would have been perfect!” Casey said.
“No, Stella and Blue Moon!”
“No, whiskey!” she responded, as a laugh emerged from the corner. I turned to see a guy laughing at us, in full capacity. He was built, tall, and actually pretty cute. He had dark hair, which was brushed cleanly against his head. It was the first time that I had even looked at a guy, in a while.
“Are you laughing at us?” I said, sassily.
“Yeah, just a little, it’s funny,” he admitted. As the elevator arrived on another floor.
“Whiskey is good!” Casey added, stating her point,
“Yeah, I like whiskey,” the guy admitted, as we arrived on my floor.
“But Blue Moon’s good too,” he admitted, as we walked away.
“Who’s that guy?” I asked, as we walked away. Casey sighed for a moment, confessed, “He’s so hot.”
“His name is Louis Romney, he’s a med student, and he always worked out when I worked the desk on Thursdays. He lives on the eleventh floor, and he’s so nice, and soooo hot!”
“Do you think he was flirting with me?”
-
“Do you think he was flirting with me?” I asked, as soon as Chuck walked away. Regina looked over at me, and laughed.
The two of us had literally met, minutes before, and somehow, we had become fast friends.
“Who, the awkward Indian kid? He’s totally into you!”
“Do you really think so?”
“Yeah, he definitely is interested in you, did you see how he was flirting with you?”
-
“He could be,” Casey said, as we walked around the corner.
“I think I’m going message him.”
Later, as I looked at the chat box, Kayresia was on the verge of smacking me across the head.
“Okay, Blair, all you have to do is type, ‘hi, how are you?’ THAT’S IT,” she said, as she pointed at the laptop screen. I was nearly in the fetal position, hiding behind my hands.
“I can’t do this- I’ve been out of the game for too long!”
“BLAIR, just say it.”
-
As Chuck ran away, and Regina and I sat there in shock, she turned immediately to me.
“BLAIR, JUST SAY IT.”
“NO!”
“Blair, just lie and say that he admitted that he liked you, when he showed up drunk the night before,” Regina said, as she picked up another Cheez-it. “Literally, he was so drunk that he’s never going to know- and he so obviously likes you.”
“I think it’s kinda sweet, he didn’t want to miss the plans we made, so he showed up at like 2:30 am- it’s actually pretty romantic,” I admitted, “So I can’t just lie and say that something happened.”
“BLAIR, just tell him that he admitted that he liked you, and that you like him too.”
It wasn’t that easy, though. It had been nearly two weeks since Chuck claimed that he didn’t like me at Dunkin Donuts, but for whatever reason he did and he lied about it. And to be fully honest, I didn’t have the courage like Regina did to lie about it. We had been friends for about a month, and I was perfectly fine waiting for however long it would take for him to admit the truth, whenever that would be.
There are certain moments that I had always dreamed of- the first confession, the grand gesture, and the last chance- maybe it made me a silly romantic, but I wanted it to be a moment that I’d always remember. And I always have.
-
“I need to use the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” I said to Louis, as I got up. I stood up, brushed the crumbs off of my burgundy dress, and headed to the bathroom. As I walked further and further, I looked down at my phone, to see nothing.
I walked into the bathroom, grabbed my phone, and dialed a familiar number.
No answer.
I pressed the call button again. This was the last try.
No answer.
I stood in the bathroom, as a single tear rolled down my face.
“This isn’t the movies, Blair,” I thought to myself, “He isn’t going to come around.”
I walked out, and back to the table.
“We were thinking of heading to another bar,” Louis said, as soon as I got back, “Are you in?”
I looked down at my phone, for a brief second, before answering.
“Yeah, I’m in.”
-
As we headed to the next bar, Louis and I were conversing about what had happened that day.
“Casey and I went to get Indian food today, actually.”
“I love Indian food- but I’ve heard the place by here isn’t that good. Where do you go?”
“To this place on Halsted,” I admitted.
-
“Wait, so why do you keep eating at this Indian food place?” Chuck said, giving me a scowl. “Especially if it makes you sick?”
“Because it tastes sooo good,” I said, laughing. “Trust me, it’s really good.” The two of us walked on the sidewalk, as the wind blowed and my boots clicked against the pavement.
As we neared closer and closer, Chuck made a face.
“WAIT, THIS PLACE IS CONNECTED TO A BOOKSTORE?” He said, shocked.
“Yeah, but it’s really good!” I replied, laughing. He gave me a weird look, and all I could do was smile back.
“This is really sketchy.”
“Sketchy food places are the best!”
“I’ve been to Mexico, Blair. I’ve had street food that’s less sketchy than this.”
“Well, street food is the best food, and it looks gross, and I happen to know this place is great!” I smiled.
We walked in, and he looked at the menu, completely perplexed.
“Do you want me to order?” I suggested, as his eyes wandered over the menu. After a couple more seconds, he admitted defeat. I ordered the chili chicken biryani and butter chicken.
Chuck and I talked, and sat. And I found myself laughing and smiling, for the first time in a while. He was sweet, and funny, and unlike anyone I had ever met in my entire life. Talking to him wasn’t hard like it was with the other guys, it was easy, and I could just talk to him forever.
“HEY CHUCK.”
The two of us turned, only to see the Chinese Diaper.
He sat there, right next to us, and started talking to Chuck.
“Hey Blair, I actually lost Willa’s number, so if you could tell her I say hi, I’d appreciate it,” The Chinese Diaper said, as I sat there awkwardly.
Of course, on our very first date, this would happen.
-
As Louis and I walked through the building, I took a deep breath. I looked cute for our first date, and as we turned the corner, I saw a familiar face.
SHIT, it’s Kayresia.
As soon as I saw her, I ran away, as I heard the rest of my friends screaming my name. Of course, on our very first date, this would happen.
As I stopped my running, and stood out of my building, Louis appeared, laughing.
“So, those were all my friends,” I admitted, awkwardly. “I had no idea they would all be at the front desk when we were leaving.”
“It’s fine, I actually thought it was funny,” Louis said, laughing.
“A lot of stuff happens at the front desk, actually,” I said, blushing.
-
“And there’s an upside down corona in it too,” I laughed, showing Mark the drink that I had the night before. The two of us sat at the front desk, as I scrolled through instagram.
“That looks amazing!”
“I know, I didn’t finish even half of it- I threw up before I could,” I admitted, awkwardly. My hair was newly freshly chopped, and I had on a bright violet lipstick. I had come to terms with how things were, and no one had dared to mess with me after my new found attitude. The sass was at an all time high, the clothes I wore were smaller and tighter, and my makeup was bolder- just like my personality.
“What a waste, you didn’t drink all of it?”
I looked over at the voice, to see someone standing in front of me. I knew him from before- he was this awkward nerdy Indian kid who had lived in my building from the year before. He was friends with JD, James, and Bertram, and was one of the Peer Mentors in the building. Chuck was tall, skinny, and awkward- but he was kind of cute.
“You drink?” I asked, sassily. This kid was trying to give me advice on drinking and alcohol?
“Yeah, all the time,” he protested, standing right in front of me.
“Um where?”
“In Mexico and stuff.”
I laughed.
“I’m serious!”
Somehow, he and I ended up talking, and as we talked, I found myself realizing that this kid wasn’t half bad. Sure, he was awkward and super nerdy, but he actually was kind of funny, and kind of cute.
Suddenly, Chuck paused,
“OH MY GOD, I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!” He yelled, as he grabbed his box, and ran away, in an instant. Did that just happen?
“He totally likes you,” Mark said, teasing me. “He thinks you’re hot!”
“Yeah, and so did most guys that I encountered working this job,” I thought to myself.
“Yeah, but he’s not really my chance,” I admitted, laughing a bit.
“So? He’s a really nice guy- you should give him a chance, Blair.”
-
I was glad that I gave Louis a chance, as the two of us laid there, talking.
He looked at me, and smiled, “Blair, I really like you.”
“I really like you too, Louis,” I said, as we laid there, together. I hesitated for a second, and then turned to see him looking at me, just like every other guy had.
“How many partners have you had?,” I asked.
-
As we walked down Michigan Avenue, at one in the morning, I found myself laughing and having the greatest time of my life. It had been the most amazing night of my life, as Chuck and I had wandered the city, getting cupcakes and hanging out- just the two of us. This night had been magical, and as we turned the corner, I stopped Chuck.
“Do you have any idea where we’re going?” I laughed, as I played with the white flower that I held in my hand.
“Not really, but we’ll figure it out!” Chuck led the way, as we wandered the city- lost, but still found. As he led me up the stairs, I finally reached the top, only to see the glittering sky shining right back at me. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life, I looked over at Chuck, only to see the moonlight shining on him, as he smiled right back at me.
“This way?” I said, pointing to the path in front of us. He nodded, as we walked.
“I love this spot, actually, I think it’s one of the coolest things ever- how the road divides into two paths, and one is above and one’s below. I’ve only been here once before.”
“The last time I was here was when I went with Perrie and Rhett to go to the theaters last year,” Chuck admitted, as we walked.
Somehow, magically, what is now my favorite spot in the entire city appeared. It was a circular plaza, with four benches arranged around in a circle. There was a single, lone spot in the center, which was missing something. I walked over, and placed my flower right in the center. I looked back, to see Chuck smiling back at me. Walking over, I sat down, as the two of us looked up at the sky in front of us. The stars glistened brightly, as the city lights illuminated the stage for the sky.
We sat, and we talked. We laughed, and smiled. And as we sat there, everything was perfect.
“I didn’t get my first kiss until college,” I admitted. “It was with Haz, and it’s one of the few things I don’t regret that he did.”
“That surprised me, actually. I thought it would have been sooner. And you know that I haven’t been with anyone,” he said, looking at me.
“A lot of guys think girls are sluts if they’re not virgins, and if they’ve been with guys before them,” I said, quietly.
And in moment, as he was about to answer, Chuck looked at me, like no guy ever had, in my entire life. He didn’t look at me like I was some hot piece of ass, or just some other girl, he looked at me like I mattered, and like I was an actual person.
“Yeah, some guys are like that, but I don’t really care.” We looked at each other, and in that moment, I thought he was going to kiss me, as we sat underneath the stars, and the wind gently blew my hair to the side. But he responded,
“It’s like on the Cleveland show, where Cleveland tells his son it’s like drinking a coke after some guy’s put his dick in it, instead of having a new coke.”
I laughed, and he did too.
“But it’s not like that,” I responded.
“Yeah, it’s not.”
-
As our food arrived, Louis asked me something that I knew was coming.
“Why did you and your ex break up?,” he asked, looking at me.
I placed my chopsticks down for a second.
“Well, he spontaneously broke up with me, kind of, and I wanted to wait for him, but then I realized I couldn’t anymore, so I decided to move forward.”
-
I took a deep breath, and started typing the words. As this happened, I received a notification saying that the guy from the elevator earlier had accepted my friend request.
Chuck,
I decided that I could either sit here, and say nothing, or I could express how I felt, in the only way I knew how to.
I think over the past twenty years of my life, I’ve learned a lot about love. And I think in the past three weeks of my life, I have learned the most about love, than in the hundreds of weeks before those three weeks. When I was little, I used to love watching Disney movies, and how the princess would the adventure of her life, and then accidentally meet a handsome prince, and they would fall in love, and live happily ever after. I never viewed it as her being “saved” or that meeting the prince was the adventure- she always had one first, and then when the time was right, he would spontaneously appear, and be her companion for the rest of her life...and they’d live happily ever after.
I never thought about what happened after happily ever after, or what happened after they rode off into the sunset. I simply thought that once you met the person that was for you, that was it, you would just keep living your life, and that they would just be there with you while it happened. Life never stopped, and the adventure certainly did not end- you just had someone there along for the ride.
Things with you were never hard, because we were both happy- and you made me happy. We were always honest, and we always had fun- it was never complicated, and I never had to overthink or worry. I never wondered what else was going to happen, or what was the next plot twist, because I genuinely thought that this was it. It was you, and me, taking on the rest of the world together (both of us fighting our separate battles, of course), but I thought that even though everything around us changed, there would always be one thing that would stay the same- you would always be there by my side, through thick and thin.
I always worry about things, and I never certain or confident in things- but with us, I always knew- I just knew. It wasn’t even a strong hope- I just knew. But then suddenly, things changed. My world started to fall apart, and I was faced with the fact that life was changing at an exponential rate. But it was alright, because I knew that even though everything else was changing, one thing would always stay the same- we were going to be together. Being loved just gave me the confidence, the hope, and the motivation to keep on trucking, because I knew that there was someone who would help me up if I fell, someone that believed in me- even when I didn’t believe in myself.
But that changed. Randomly, out of the blue, you just left. You walked away, and you didn’t even look back. I had hoped with a fragile hope that this wasn’t real, but finally, I couldn’t ignore the fact that this was happening. It was me against the world, fighting by myself. I had become miserable in my own regard, faking happiness and pretending like I was okay. But I wasn’t. I just wanted to crawl into bed, and cry, nonstop, and for ages. It wasn’t until I was bawling my eyes out, feeling completely alone as the guy spontaneously showed up to tell the girl that he loved her and couldn’t imagine a world without her, that I realized something. Deep down, I had always hoped that you would show up and tell me that you had changed your mind, and that you wanted us to get back together, because you wanted to be with me. Because you couldn’t imagine a world where I wasn’t around, and that you missed me. But after that, I knew that you weren't going to show up. That you weren't going to come around and hold me in your arms, and tell me that you had made a massive mistake.
I wasn't going to get my big, romantic gesture, because you weren't going to do it. Because you didn't want to be with me. Because you ended our relationship, and broke my heart into fifty million pieces- even though you knew how much it was going to hurt me. And no matter how much I wished- this wasn't about how much I wanted, and it isn't about how much I'm suffering- it was, and is about you.
It's about how you made the choice to end this, and to risk losing it all. How you decided to isolate yourself, and hurt me, because you needed to figure things out. And I know that you need to cope with things, and I know that you're different from me- you don't need someone to help you up when you fall. I don't either- but I do need knowing that someone will be there. I know you isolate yourself, and that is how you cope. I can't force you to handle things differently, but I will be standing there, to help you up, if you need it.
I was so angry, and so upset at the fact that this happened, but then I thought about it, and I realized something.
I'm not being single for myself, I'm doing it for you. Relationships aren't for you, Chuck, they're for the other person. It isn't just what you're getting out of it- it's what you can give to the other person. It's about making them smile, and making them laugh endlessly. It's about the person you love (a little, a lot, whichever), and their wants, their needs, their hopes, and what you can do. Love isn't about you, it's about the person that you care about. It's a two way street, and relationships are built together, of course, but you aren't in relationships for yourself, you're in them for the other person.
And that is why I'm not in one- it's not for me, it's for you. It's because I want you to be happy, I want you to smile and to worry less, and to know that you are the single most amazing person in the entire world. I probably will never understand why it happened fully, but I try. If you did not want happiness from being with me, then I hope you find it somewhere else.
You're my favorite person in the entire world, and I love you. I love you so much that I'm doing this, even though it really stinks. And I have learned so much about love, from doing this. I could easily be selfish, and drive myself crazy convincing you to come back, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to learn to be there for you in the way you need me to be, or to let you isolate yourself, because that is what you want. I will give up the fragile hope that you will spontaneously show up and surprise me, and I will stop secretly wishing that you're going to kiss me. Because this is what you wanted.
I'm not going to pretend that this is easy, because it's not. I cry sometimes, and sometimes my heart aches so much that I just want to crawl into bed. But I keep walking, and I keep standing, because I know that it is making you a bit better. I try, hard, to be happy, and to accept this, because of you. Because I love you.
Of course, we are friends, and of course we will be in each other''s lives. I just had so many thoughts in my mind, that I needed to let it out- but I just didn't know how to do it. You can pretend that I never sent this, and we can just ignore it and talk about Alan and Caroline, or we can talk, I don't really care. I just knew that I had to let this out.
And finally, I know you forget this sometimes, but you are the most amazing person that I know. You are hard working, compassionate, and caring. You are incredibly brilliant, and exceptionally smart. And I know life gets hard, and things get difficult, but you'll get through it, and you are going to be okay. Not because I believe in you, but because you are amazing enough to give me something to believe in. I will always be there for you, whether you want me to or not. I love you.
My favorite quote says, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, but loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Always with love,
Blair
-
“I dated that med student for about a summer, and then we kind of just stopped talking,” I said, as Louis and I sat at his kitchen table.
“Why did you guys stop talking?”
-
I crawled into bed with Johnny, and laid there, feeling completely empty inside. Every time I had sex with him, I did it to feel something inside of me. But truthfully, I had felt completely empty inside, and I had, for a long time.
As I laid there, I just wished that I could have felt something.
Suddenly, my phone went off.
“Can you pass me my phone?” I asked, as Johnny grumbled some more.
I looked down, to see a single text from Chuck, and just laughed. And for the first time, in a long time, I actually felt something.
He and I had just exchanged numbers the day before, yet we had been texting nonstop.
I looked at the message in front of me, and I looked at the guy next to me, and I started to get out of bed.
Suddenly, Johnny got up, completely confused as to what was going on.
“Blair, where are you going?” he asked.
“I’m not doing this anymore,” I said, as I started to get dressed.
“Wait, what? Can we argue about this tomorrow?”
“No, I’m just going to leave.” I picked up my bag and started to look for my shoes.
“At 4 am in the morning?” He asked, confused.
“Yeah, because I want something more than this, and I think this boy is it.”
As I sat on the cab home, I looked down at my phone, and saw the message, and smiled, once more.
-
Louis put his arm around me, as the two of us sat on his bed, watching Bob’s Burgers. He leaned in for a kiss, and then stopped.
“I know you said that you liked this episode, so I’ll wait,” he said, with a smile.
“Well, there goes watching my six favorites,” I thought to myself.
“Do you like this show?”
Louis looked back at me, and laughed. “Yeah, it’s okay, I like Archer better, because it’s more dark.”
-
Chuck had watched all six episodes of Bob’s Burgers that I had chosen as my favorites, but something was looming as we sat there, on my bed. It was the most innocent way of sitting, as we sat arm to arm, leg to leg.
“You said a lot of stuff when you showed up drunk,” I said, laughing.
“Okay, you can’t just stop making fun of me like this,” Chuck said, as I laughed even more. “You have to tell me!”
“No. What do you think you said?” I asked.
“I think I know.”
“What is it?” I said, expectantly. This was going to happen.
“I think I said…”
My heart beat faster and faster, as I waited in anticipation.
“That I said that I liked Alisha,” he admitted, as my heart sank. ALISHA? ALISHA THAT TRIED TO TAP HIM?
“Okay,” I said, firmly. I whipped out my phone and started typing frantically.
OH MY GOD, CHUCK IS ABOUT TO GET KICKED OUT
I was just about to press send, when,
“HAHAHAHAHAHA, this show is great!” Chuck said, laughing and pointing at the screen. I said nothing, as he continued to laugh.
“I think I might have said something else,” he admitted, as I sat there, obviously pissed off as fuck.
“I thought I might have said that I like you,” he confessed, as I nearly dropped my phone in shock.
CHUCK LIKES ME.
ME.
BLAIR BUI.
CHUCK CUEVAS LIKES BLAIR BUI.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah, I was like, ‘Hey, Blair’s kind of really cute and stuff-’”
“YOU THINK I’M HOT!” I yelled, as my anger transformed into complete and utter happiness. I smiled, as he blushed.
“And you’ve liked me this whole time, haven’t you?” I said, as Chuck nodded.
“Yeah…”
“SO YOU LIED?”
“Yeah…”
-
I sat there, shocked in a way, as I realized that I had told Chuck that I liked Louis. I mean, I wasn’t super duper excited or anything like that, but I liked him. Louis was smart and funny, and he was really hot. So I should have been excited.
But in a way, I was disappointed.
I thought that he would have said something, that he would have stopped me, or something. But in reality, Chuck hadn’t. He had simply just nodded, and been okay with it.
Or maybe, he just couldn’t stop it.
-
“Chuck, please don’t do this,” I said, as tears rolled down my face.
“Blair, I can’t do this anymore,” he said, standing up. “I can’t be in a relationship.”
And as I sat there, realizing that I couldn’t stop this, I took a deep breath. As much as I loved Chuck, and as much I was wanted to be with him- I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop this, because I couldn’t be selfish. I had to let him go.
“Chuck, I don’t want to do this,” I admitted, as more tears ran down my face. He stood up straighter, prepared to debate my point.
“But I’m going to, because I love you.”
He stopped, and sat down next to me.
“Chuck I don’t want to do this, but I’m going to, because I love you- and I want you to be happy,” I stopped for a moment, as I felt my heart breaking inside of me, “And if you can’t be happy with me, then we shouldn’t do this.”
I dropped my head into my knees, and cried harder than I ever had in my entire life. It was because I knew there was nothing that I could do about this. Because I wasn’t doing this for myself, I was doing it for him.
“Blair, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, holding me close to him.
I think in that moment, he thought I wanted nothing more than for him to tell me that he changed his mind, and that he wanted to get back together. But in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be happy.
-
As I looked at the text in front of me, and the list of flaws that Louis had sent me, I just started crying, the second hardest that I ever had in my entire life.
Chuck loved my stories.
Chuck loved my sass.
And Chuck would have laughed at this asshole calling beer in a can high maitenance.
And as I cried, more, and more, as my I felt my heart ache, I realized that even though I had tried to convince myself otherwise, I had loved Chuck this entire time. I had loved him even when I told him that I was moving on, when I told myself that I was moving on. This entire time, I had loved him, more and more, pretending to be happy so that he would be happy. But there has never been a day that has passed that I don’t think about him, and that I don’t wonder what he’s doing .
-
If this was a movie, Chuck would show up at midnight and confess his love to me, and things would end up happily ever after. But it’s not- that’s not how this story ends.
In reality, this is a story of how a completely naive and foolish girl, who once was the world’s biggest romantic, grew up and realized what love truly was. How she grew up, and realized that sometimes, you can’t always end up with the guy, and how sometimes, the most beautiful moments in your life, are the ones that are the most simple. And even though, some things don’t last forever, the memories of them always will.
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