"Because I didn't pull myself out of the ditch that Chuck threw me in, I didn't climb that mountain of shit, and get over his crazy ass, for this"

-Blair Bui

-

One time, Chuck got tremendously drunk (I'm not going to lie, I did too...), and as I woke up from my drunken slumber, and looked over at him, he just looked straight at me, right into my eyes.

"Blair, you are always in my thoughts," he whispered, as I moved a bit closer. We were laying nose to nose, and the moonlight shined in through his window.

"Really?" I leaned in for a kiss, and felt my heart beat faster. This was what being in love is, and I had been in love, and I was lucky to be in love.

"I'm always thinking about you, always. You're always in my thoughts." I looked at him, and I smiled. Chuck grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and gently placed it on his bare erection.

You would think that in that moment, that I would realize something was up.

It had been two weeks since I had gone on a date with a guy, and about half a week since I officially gave up on them. I mean, I'd like to think that it had been a week, but when I drunkenly wanted to climb Jason like a tree, that kind of reset my timer again. I really genuinely had given up on guys though, I had spent my time working, cleaning my apartment, running and doing pilates, and just spending time with friends.

With Yael being in Canada, the only men I had in my life were Shane and Johnson, which I really think says a lot. Somehow Johnson had finally given up on being immature and petty, and Shane had always been a great friend. Even when I fell asleep on his bedroom floor- which happens more than it should, to be honest.

But all of this has given me plenty of time to think about love, life, and relationships, and I've come to the crazy conclusion that I'm a strong independent woman, and that finding the next guy isn't going to come easy. Because I didn't pull myself out of the ditch that Chuck threw me in, I didn't climb that mountain of shit, and get over his crazy ass, for this, to be with any of the guys that I've dated over the past few months. They were hot, and they were alright, but I didn't go through everything I did for this. They weren't the end to my story.

Louis Romney was a total asshole, and he just wanted to hook up with me. Even though he spoon-fed me everything that I wanted to her, or that I thought that I wanted, in the end he was a total jerk. He was a complete and utter asshole, who ended up making me realize a lot of things about myself, and relationships. I guess from him, the biggest thing I learned is that you can't be with someone who wants you to give up everything for them, and to accommodate them. You can't be with someone who doesn't want you to be independent, who wants you to be a caged bird with a taped-together beak. Someone who wants the diluted version of you.

As for Rafael, as much as I wanted something to happen, he just didn't try. And that's one of the harder things to learn, honestly. When someone wants to be with you, they will do everything in their power to make it happen. ESPECIALLY guys. And the fact of the matter is, Rafael didn't try because he didn't want to be with me enough. If he had, he wouldn't have given up so easily and he wouldn't have just straight up dipped.

I've dated the good guys, I've dated the bad guys, and I've drunk texted my heart out and drunkenly flirted with guys. I've had sex, I've fucked, and this whole time all I've wanted to do is dance in the moonlight and sail into the sun. But the fact of the matter is, I don't need someone to do that, I really don't. There's some equally ridiculous person out there, but for right now, it's just me, dancing in the moonlight and sailing into the sun, all by myself.

And the biggest lesson through all of this is exactly that- I didn't go through hell and back to settle. And I didn't do it for anyone less than amazing. I did it for me, because even though it was shitty, and even though I went back to Chuck a couple times, I finally put that part of my life behind me. And I'm ready.

Blair, Just Try To Understand

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

-

Shane: I think you should go have fun. Also are you sure this is a st. Baldricks event or a gathering of guys you went in dates with lol 

I won't go into detail about how long I stood there, awkwardly, in a room full of people that I one hundred percent did not know, awkwardly holding my scarf and pea coat. I won't go into detail about how I awkwardly tried to make conversation with people, only to have them awkwardly kind of brush me off, and look at me like I was totally weird and balls out crazy. What made this extremely awkward situation even more awkward was that Jason, yes that Jason definitely recognized me, and definitely saw me...standing there, by myself, awkwardly.

It didn't matter that my hair was perfectly cute, and that I had on the cutest outfit (cute blush blouse, dark wash skinny jeans that made my ass look banging, and flats), all that mattered is that I basically was totally being judged and definitely shouldn't have thought that Hakeem would've stood and talked to me. It turns out that he was helping run the event, and ran away to talk to people, and left me with this gem-

"It's kind of a College of Medicine event."

What a way to make me feel even more welcome, buddy.

It was after forty minutes of feeling awkward and weird that I finally caved, and texted Johnson. And luckily for me, he showed up. With my favorite guy squad too, if I may add. I said hi to all of them, officially met Heath, and had Nico show me that there had been a coatrack all along. Which had made me feel even more awkward...I had just stood there awkwardly holding my coat the whole time!

Johnson surprisingly acted normal, and Heath was actually super accommodating and cool too! As the three of us walked towards the other side of the room, I suddenly felt a punch on my right shoulder, and turned.

"Hey, are you Blair?" he asked, looking at me. I blinked, and for a brief moment, everything paused. I was standing by Shy Guy, and it turned out...he wasn't that shy.

The tragic thing about Shy Guy was that he and I never even went out on a date- he had told me that he didn't have time to start anything; basically he had flat out rejected me. I had believed him for a second that he was truly busy, but then I saw him on Tinder, and Bumble, and heard that he was on a bunch of other dating apps.... he wasn't busy. He was just an asshole.

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”
-Greg Behrendt

This had made this current encounter that more awkward.

"Yeah, it's nice to meet you," I said, politely. Although his voice sounded like a 1970's frat boy douche lord, I couldn't deny that he was definitely hot. One hundred percent hot. Like, weak at the knees hot.

"Wow you know everyone, huh?" he said, gesturing to Johnson.

"Yeah, I know a lot of people in your class," I responded, awkwardly. The two of us made a little small talk and whatnot, and did that whenever we ran into each other for the rest of the night. It was a little bit awkward, but I didn't care, I looked cute and he had his chance.

Johnson was supposed to introduce me to Dax, who had not even remotely noticed me the entire time we were there! He gave off this asshole Draco Malfoy vibe, and when the opportunity finally arose for the two of us to meet not-so-organically, things didn't work out like I thought they would in my brain.

One of the things I learned about guys in med school is that they seem to think that they're hot shit. And trust me, I'm the expert, guys, because I dated Louis Romney, and Jason Baker- PLUS i could've possibly, maybe had a thing with Jason.

But that's besides the point. Guys in med school are all cocky and narcissistic, they're under the impression that they are the bomb dot com. All they do is sit in anatomy lab, try to impress foolish undergrads with the fact that they're going to be doctors, and go to the gym. Any other time that's not spent doing anything else is making other people feel inferior, because they aren't going to be a doctor. They're entitled, and they think that they deserve every damn thing in the world, and guess what? They don't.

Am I the only one concerned that these guys are the future of medicine? And you would think that it was after I was completely alienated by these assholes that I would realize that I need to stop dating med students. Or maybe, when Johnson Baker interrogated me for like, twenty blocks about how I didn't want to date him and was not attracted to him. Or MAYBE, when Jason LITERALLY went out of his way every time we were in a group setting to purposely ignore me or turn his back to me, perhaps in the hope that I would spontaneously disappear. Or perhaps, it was when I said hello to Dax, in an attempt to be polite, and he literally just fucking walked away, like a total asshole. Or maybe, just maybe, it was when I accidentally drank half a pitcher of Schmidt's beer, and was drunkenly flirting with Jason, probably coming off as a thirsty ass bitch.

No, guys, my revelation occurred much later than all of these terribly embarrassing events, that I will admit, in that moment, made me feel like a piece of old gum smeared on the back of someone's Louboutin.

It was when I walked out of the room, and towards the bar, and saw stupid Louis Romney standing there, with his black blazer with red accents, and dress pants. He looked like a 1920's midget mobster, and that definitely was the cherry on top of my night.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, looking at me strangely.

"Um, I was invited, by like Hakeem and Johnson and stuff." I looked at Louis, only to have him give me a judgmental look. Maybe his face was just like that.

"I know them." I said, asserting myself.

"Were you the only non-med student there?" He said, laughing. The intensity of his judgmental look increased ten-fold.

"No, there was other people there, and I had fun. I met a bunch of people, learned a lot of things, and I think Betty is pretty cool!"

"That's nice," he said, taking a sip out of his geriatric drink. "You know, after tonight I'm going to have to pretend that I don't know you, for my sake."

Did he just say that?

I felt the beer well up inside of me, and my heart beat faster. This gut feeling in my stomach sank, and I felt like someone had knocked me in the belly.

"What? Why?"

"You wouldn't understand. It's because of the girls in my class. I'll tell you later."

"No, tell me now," I said, insisting.

"NO, BLAIR, JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND." Louis said, angrily and adamantly. He was furious, and he gave me one last look, before he started to walk away.

"Well, you got lucky, because I'm about to leave." And despite Heath and Johnson telling me to ignore him, I couldn't. I had felt like a complete and utter fool, and a total mess. I was embarrassed, and felt like everyone had been laughing at me this entire time, I mean- who did I think I was? I should have known though, no place is a good one, if Johnson Baker is one of the best people there.

The Gremlin Man-Child (Throat Punch, Part Two)

“The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you.”
-Markus Zusak, The Book Thief 

-

 "Wait, so that's not the end of the story?" Shane said, dying from laughter. He had been laughing this entire time, non-stop.

"Are you still laughing at me?"

"I mean, I'm laughing because this guy obviously likes you, and can't get over it, so he's insulting you as a way to cope with it- but it isn't working."

-

As Johnson and I sat on the train, I knew he wanted to ask me the not-so-golden question, once more.

"You know, you should really lower your standards," he said, as the two of us sat in silence.

"Excuse me?"

I don't believe in lowering my standards, and I also don't believe in leagues. When Chuck and I broke up, the truth came out, and it was an honestly shallow truth that I had already known. Casey, Serena, all my friends had casually admitted that they thought that I could have done better than Chuck, who they classified as a four, "but only because of his personality, Blair." It wasn't a crazy moment or revelation where I asked myself, "WOW, WHAT WAS I THINKING?" As a matter of fact, I do think that I'm too good for Chuck- not based on looks at all, as I thought he was a little cutie, but based on the fact that he is indeed a sociopath and threw me in a (metaphorical) ditch when we broke up.

And I didn't climb out of that ditch, and to the mountain top to settle. I didn't go through all of this in order end up with an "okay guy" LET ALONE a gremlin man-child with an ego the size of The Loop, who apparently lacks basic learning skills, because he cannot comprehend something that I have said at least a million times. So fuck what people say, I'm allowed to have standards, and I'm allowed to know what I'm looking for, and to look for it.

ALSO, how fucking rude, okay? I've dated some pretty hot guys, I think, and I generally date cute people! Just because I don't date the dregs of medical school, which was definitely what Johnson tried to pawn off on me, doesn't mean that I need to lower my standards. Because there's nothing wrong in knowing what you deserve and what you what.

"You know, Anders, Dax, Jason... you just need to lower your standards."

To what, exactly? A GREMLIN MAN-CHILD?

"What do you mean?" I found hand balling into a fist, just like the last time.

"It's just, Anders' girlfriend is like, drop dead gorgeous, like, she's a 10. She could model."

I think I'm a pretty girl- and I think that's part of where your confidence comes from, how you perceive yourself. I've never posted a picture of my face or anything here, but I'm no sack of potatoes or anything. I'm not going to say that I'm the most beautiful girl in the entire world- because I'm definitely not. But I do think that I'm pretty, and that I'm considered pretty to most people. Everyone's beautiful in their own way, and people perceive people to be attractive on different scales.

I've met guys like Romney who think I'm drop dead gorgeous and the most beautiful thing, or guys like Johnny that think I'm smoking hot, and I've met guys who don't think I'm that special (like Chuck's asshole friend JD), but regardless, none of that matters, because I, myself, think that I am pretty and beautiful in my own way. And that's the only person that can tell you how you look- you. And guess what? Everyone is beautiful in their own way, even when asshole guys try to tell you that it's a 1-10 scale, because that's honestly not how life works. You aren't some number.

"Is this your covert way of telling me you don't think I'm a 10?" I asked.  Johnson nodded, and I felt myself get annoyed, not because he didn't think I was hot- I didn't care about what he thought of me. But that he would be SO rude to tell me that I can't get someone based on how I looked.

I may joke that Johnson is a gremlin man-child, but I didn't not date him because of his looks- I just didn't like him romantically! He was weird, cocky, and extremely weird. Did I mention he was weird? He just rubbed me the wrong way, and was nothing that I was looking for, honestly. And after a day with him, and having him be a total asshole, I was done.

We sat, as I texted Shane on my phone.

"Are you telling everyone that I'm an asshole?" He said, smiling with a cheeky grin.

I looked back him, annoyed, and irritated. "No, you're not that special, stop thinking you're that special."

"I'm sorry, Blair, I shouldn't have said that, it was uncalled for."

UM, YOU MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING THAT YOU SAID TODAY?

Once we hit our stop, I turned to him, and said, "Don't try to walk me home or anything." If this was a normal guy, I would have just said good bye, but who knew what Johnson's whack ass was going to pull out next?

"Why would you even say that?"

"Because I've been trying to reinforce that we are platonic friends, and you don't seem to get it. BYE."

-

Shane kept laughing, and once he gained his composure, he was completely honest.

"He obviously likes you and has a problem with it, so you should just be honest and tell him how you feel. That's generally the advice I always give, is to be honest."

Blair: Okay, I want to be friends and hang out but you need to stop bringing up why it didn't work out, because that part is over. 

I heard a notification on my phone, and then looked to see a long ass paragraph waiting for me.

Johnson: There wasn't any question about that in my mind, it being over I mean. I think the root of the issue is honestly I tend to mercilessly blame myself when things don't work out for me, so it probably came off as me absolutely not being able to understand why you wouldn't want someone as amazing as me, but it's somewhat the opposite. Anyway, I definitely said some stuff I shouldn't have and I apologize. I'm down with being friends too, but I do hope you can understand how I could have been rubbed the wrong way a bit. 

No, I don't understand, because WE ARE PLATONIC FRIENDS. But I couldn't say that, I had to be nice-ish.

Blair: Rubbed the wrong way by what? Me not wanting to date you? I just am not attracted to you! 
Johnson: That's totally cool and I get that, that's not the issue. Like imagine if Jason went on a few dates with you then said he wanted to be friends then went on about how hot your friends with and this hot girl he banged last week. It'd just be a little...inappropriate, given the situation If the issue was you not being attracted to me I wouldn't have agreed to be friends. 

I took a deep breath, and remembered the words that Kayresia gave me when I was texting Zayn a week ago. Don't be too brutally honest, Blair.

Blair: First of all, it was like a month ago. Second, I said that Steven was hot- that's it. Same with Sergio, because guess what- they're hot! It doesn't even mean that I want to date them I just think they're attractive. And no, it's not inappropriate, because it's not like you have feelings for me or you like me. Okay, it would be inconsiderate if you liked me and I didn't feel the same, but that's not the case- we're platonic friends! And I wouldn't care if that happened with Jason bc whatever, lol. 
Johnson: I'll think about it 
Blair: About what? 

I turned to face Shane.

"What the hell is he thinking about?"

"Probably if he can be friends with you, you know he obviously likes you."

Johnson: If being friends is a good idea. At least at this time.

-

"What the hell were you thinking?" Johnny asked, as he laughed his ass off. "You're a smart girl, so you must have been sneakily trying to get back at him, you must have!"

I scooped up another bit of Velveeta shells with my fork, and shook my head.

"You weren't trying to rub it in his face?"

"NO, Johnny, I genuinely thought that I could be friends with him and that he was mature! He talked about other girls and that night at the bar he even flirted with girls and hooked up with one," I said, as I pulled my hair up into a high pony.

"C'mon, you don't need to tell me what he was doing that for." Johnny looked at me, expectantly.

"Okay, I now know that he is obviously super into me, and that he was doing this petty shit to cope, but at the time I genuinely thought we could be friends!" I really had, Johnson had initially seemed so cool, I didn't think that he would be a psychopath.

"Yeah, well now you know."

"Yeah, well now I have no one to go to the event with." I had completely forgotten about the event at the local bar, until I came to the startling realization that it was Monday and that I had one hundred percent wanted to go.

"Why not? Just go by yourself."

If it was a normal event, I would have gone in a heartbeat, but it wasn't.

"Yeah, and have all the med students ask, 'What year are you?' And then, have me say, 'I'm not in med school, I'm just this weird little girl who's here for no reason.' NOT TO MENTION, Johnson is going to be there AND Romney."

"Yeah, well I have no desire to go, so you're out of luck."

And then suddenly, it dawned on me.

Throat Punch

“Those who pretend as if they don't love you, are the ones who would hate to see you love another person.”

 -Michael Bassey Johnson 

-

I had decided that before the big event on Monday, it would be best to hang out with Johnson at least once, to make sure that there were good vibes between us- or more importantly, platonic vibes. The College of Medicine for my University was holding an event for a very prominent charity, a very casual event, but an event nonetheless. An event that would prove to be the perfect opportunity for me to network, and to meet new people. And also, you know, a few other minor things...

"Are you just going to this event to meet guys?" Johnson said, as we walked past Water Tower Place. I needed to go shopping and Johnson came with me, it was a casual kind of errand day. I threw on my dark wash skinny jeans, and a chic striped sweater earlier that day, and paired with my matching Nikes. I pulled my hair into a high pony, mostly because I wasn't feeling like doing my hair that day. It was a nice, casual vibe, which was definitely what I needed to enforce.

"No, that's a minor, minor priority. I'm ninety nine percent going to network and meet med students, and the other one percent is me going to flirt with cute guys, to look really hot because Romney's going to be there, to look really hot because Jason's going to be there, and to have you introduce me to your friend Dax." The wind blew, as I looked at the iconic Water Tower, for a brief second.

"I don't think you and Dax would get along," Johnson said, quite saltily. We had spent the entire time before this talking about him and his love of crazy girls, I had found out that Johnson was even more of a weirdo and douche bag than I thought previously. He basically thought that he had mad game for banging girls left and right- even though the girls he was banging were completely crazy, and that they thought his little gremlin man-child ass was attractive.

"That's fine, you can still introduce me to him" I said, sassily.

"Why didn't you want to go on another date with me? I just want to know what went wrong," he said, as I found my hand curling into a fist. We were having a perfectly nice time, and I had absolutely no idea why he had to bring this up.

"Dude, it's just like I told you before, I just didn't like you. I just wasn't attracted to you, and I just wasn't that into you," I said. We continued to walk, when he decided to ask me another question.

"Did you ever blog about me?"

"No, I never mentioned you, and I never gave you a name or anything." I turned to see him looking at me, completely offended and shocked.

"What? You weren't that important."

"I didn't even get a name? Did Romney get a name? Jason?"

I nodded.

"What?"

"I don't know why you think you're so special Johnson, I didn't like you, I wasn't attracted to you, and I wasn't into it. I was honestly more preoccupied with Rafael, who by the way, is super hot."

"But why weren't you attracted to me?"

Fuck, was he going to ask this the whole walk to Target?

"I told you," I said, annoyed, "I just didn't like you."

"I know, but I just want to know why."

For the entire walk to Target, from Water Tower Place to City Target, this kid non-stop asked me why I didn't like him. For whatever reason, he could not seem to fathom why I didn't like him, it seemed like an inconceivable thought.

"I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU, I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU AND IT HAPPENS, OKAY?!" I yelled, as pedestrians looked at me, and Johnson blinked.

"I know but-"

"I just wasn't attracted to you, okay? I just didn't like you like that. Stop asking me, and get over it. People aren't attracted to some people, people don't like some people. It's part of life."

"I guess I'm just salty because out of all the girls that I've tried to bang, I didn't get you."

Was he fucking shitting me.

"Okay, and you're never going to get me. I'm flattered, but you had no chance of banging me then, and you have no chance of banging me now. It's never going to happen."

"I'm just petty, I guess, because I usually get-"

"I don't care," I said, adamantly interrupting him. "Nothing's happening, we're platonic friends and you need to get the fuck over it."

"I just don't understand," he said, for the millionth time that night. I turned to face him, and my face was obviously extremely annoyed. My left hand was still curled in a fist, as I resisted the urge to slap him with my right hand.

Don't throat punch him, Blair.

"I TOLD YOU, I just didn't like you! I wasn't attracted to you, AND it's never going to happen. If you try anything, I will throat punch you."

"Yeah, but how could you like Romney and not me?"

"Because Romney was intelligent, funny, and charming, and I was just attracted to him, AND I WASN'T ATTRACTED TO YOU."

"I just don't understand, Blair."

I contemplated pushing him off that bridge for a moment, and then took a deep breath. "DUDE, I just am not attracted to you, it happens."

You guys, you don't understand how extremely cocky and extremely annoying this kid is- I mean, can you blame me for not being remotely attracted to him? Not to mention that when we went on a date, the kiss was so uneventful, and he fucking ate off of my plate. Who told you that you could eat off of my damn plate?!

"But Jason too?"

"I AM ATTRACTED TO HIM, I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU."

We finally arrived to Target, and I wish I could report that he finally stopped asking me, but no, he continued to ask me, and then added a sprinkling of insults to bring me down.

• "Blair, I didn't even really like you, I just wanted to bang you."
• "Blair, I just was physically attracted to you, that's it."
• "I am just surprised that you didn't want to bang me too."
• "I can't believe you banged Romney and not me."
• "I can't believe that you dated Romney."
• "You were attractive enough."
• "You weren't that hot."
• "On the binary scale, you would be a 1, you would be enough."
• "I don't really care that you didn't like me, I actually was relieved."
• "I thought at the time that you liked me too much."
• "You seemed like you were moving fast"
• "I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND"
• and the list goes on and on and on

And to all of those, I said the same thing, "I just didn't like you and wasn't attracted to you, it happens. Not everyone is attracted to you and not everyone is going to like you."

"I don't really care Blair, I'm over it. I just am petty bec-"

"OKAY," I said, interrupting him. We were finally headed home, and this walk to the pink line had been the longest. "JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I didn't like you, I wasn't attracted to you, now we're platonic friends."

Johnson stared at me blankly.

"It's just that you're a little inconsiderate, that's all."

WAS HE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

And in that moment, after hours of having him nonstop ask me why I didn't want to date him, for making me feel like I was obligated to bang him and be attracted to him, and of of being blamed for not liking him, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I super-saiyan throat punched Johnson in the throat, and he flew against the wall.

Just kidding.

(I wish).

What really happened was that I felt the anger fume inside of me, the anger that I had been holding in since Johnson opened his stupid man-child gremlin mouth. I took a deep breath, and then responded.

"How am I inconsiderate?"

"It's just you're saying that other guys are hot and stuff, and that's inappropriate and inconsiderate."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"It's just inappropriate, considering the circumstances."

And as we stood there, me fuming from anger at the Pink Line stop, all these people watched me yell at Johnson Baker (who FINALLY got a fucking name on my blog for being the most annoying piece of shit I have ever met in my life).

"SERIOUSLY? YOU'RE GOING TO CALL ME INCONSIDERATE FOR THAT?"

"Yeah, maybe I'm not used to independent women or whatever, but you just have no filter."

"OKAY, FIRST OF ALL. You're just salty because I didn't like you, and I wasn't attracted to you. SO WHAT? We're supposed to be PLATONIC FRIENDS NOW. You need to get over it and stop being so petty, because you have no chance of banging me now, and you didn't have a chance back then. SECOND OF ALL, WE WENT ON LIKE TWO DATES, A MONTH AGO. It's not even that big of a fucking deal, it's not like we almost got married or anything, WE WENT ON TWO DATES. OKAY, AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M BEING INCONSIDERATE OR INAPPROPRIATE. I HAVE A FUCKING FILTER, it's not like I'm being sexist, racist, or inappropriate- because guess what? I THINK GUYS ARE HOT. RAFAEL IS FUCKING HOT. I'm a human- and I'm allowed to say guys are hot. People say that people are hot. My other guy friends say that girls are hot, I say that guys are hot. No one gives a fuck. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GIVE A FUCK. You talked about girls, I talked about guys. Because you can say girls are hot, and I won't give a flying fuck- and you shouldn't give a fuck- BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? WE AREN'T DATING, WE DIDN'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER BECAUSE FOR THE FUCKING MILLIONTH TIME I DIDN'T FUCKING LIKE YOU AND I WASN'T FUCKING ATTRACTED TO YOU, SO GET OVER IT. I'm not inappropriate OR inconsiderate, you're just being fucking petty because you want to bang me and you can't."

I gave no fucks at that point, I was just extremely tired of this stupid kid, and his annoying ass gremlin man-child face. He was so extremely cocky and douchey that for whatever reason, he couldn't understand, even though I said it a million times, that I just wasn't attracted to him. WHAT THE FUCK?

But that wasn't the end, it never was when you wanted it to be.

Romney's Ex

"I usually make up my mind about a man in ten seconds, and I very rarely change it."
-Margaret Thatcher

-

As I walked out of the crowded bar, heeled ankle booties clicking on the pavement, I looked around for a curly mess of hair. And as soon as I turned to face a flickering street light, Johnson appeared, waving at me. I was glad that the two of us could be friends, even though there was no reason we couldn't be. 

We went on two dates- and after the awkward kiss on the second, I immediately knew that I had absolutely no interest in him. He was weird and cocky, and just...I wasn't attracted to him at all. He was like this little gremlin man-child to me, a perfect candidate for a friend, but definitely not even close to being in the running to be my boyfriend. He had asked for another chance and for another date after I had not-so-casually suggested that I didn't like him, and I told him that my decision was adamant. But he was a cool guy, and the fact that he invited me out with his friends had suggested that he was cool.

"Hey what's up?"

"Not much, are your friends in there?" I asked, as he directed me to the crowded, dive-y bar across the street.

"Yeah, but I'm going to introduce you as Romney's ex, because that'll make you seem cooler," Johnson said, as we headed to the back. 

It turns out that Romney is not only ridiculously and extremely unpopular among women, but also among men. 

The bar was full of people, green beers being passed around and plastic beads clattering everywhere. What did I expect, going out on St. Patrick's, anyways? As we approached the group, I immediately noticed him. He was tall, cute, and extremely handsome- his sandy blonde hair perfectly clashed with his pistachio green button down and navy blue Land's End sailing vest. He was wearing navy Sperrys, and he exuded the swagger of an old-timey sailor. 

"This is Romney's ex," Johnson said, gesturing to me.

"Hi, it's nice to meet you!" I said, as I shook his hand. "I'm Blair."

"I'm Anders, so you dated Romney, huh?"

"Unfortunately," I said, laughing. "Are you in the same class as Johnson?" 

He took another swig of his bottle, and nodded. "Yeah, I want to go into pediatrics," he said, "What about you?"

"Me too! I want to go into pediatrics, because I think children are so incredibly innocent. And the majority of the unfortunate things that occur to them, which end up in the ER, are not by their choice or mistake, but the mistakes of adults."

"I agree completely. And I think that when you save a child's life, it's just so much more meaningful. That's why I want to go into pediatric surger-"

And in that moment, the gremlin man-child magically appeared. He introduced me to his other friends, Nate, Rohan, and Shah, and then quietly pulled me away.

"SO?"

"What do you mean, so?" I said, giving him side eye, and taking a sip of my lime sparkling water.

"So, what do you think?"

I looked over at the motley crew of guys he attempted to pawn me off to. "Did you really think I'd like any of them?" They were definitely not my type, at all. It was as if I had envisioned a Kate Spade bag and someone threw an Ed Hardy at me. I was a bit insulted, because I felt like he purposely was throwing these guys at me.

"I mean, I thought you'd like Shah...or Rohan, or maybe Randy," Johnson said, shrugging. I looked over at the 5'5 tiny Caucasian male looking back at me, and then gave Johnson a dirty ass look.

"So how do you know Johnson?" 

I turned around, to see Anders standing there, looking at me.

"I went on a couple dates with him that didn't work out, and so I, uh, we decided it'd be better off as friends."

"Really?" Anders said, looking at me. "So you aren't a thing with him?" Anders leaned in a bit, and I laughed.

"Definitely not," I said, leaning in a bit. Anders looked at, and as all the commotion happened, we kinda just stood there, for a brief second.

"He's uh, actually supposed to be my wingman," I added, making it even more obvious that I was very much single.

"Really?" 

I looked at Anders expectantly. Score, Blair, you've been out for like fifteen minutes and you've already met a perfectly perfect guy.

"Then you should talk to Rohan," Anders responded, "He's a good guy."

I stood there, in shock. Did he just say what I thought he was saying?

TALK TO ROHAN?

"One second, where Johnson?" I nonchalantly asked, walking over across the bar.

"I think Anders is cute," I whispered. I turned to see Johnson, giving me the dirtiest look.

"I know you do, and he's taken," Johnson said, walking off. I casually flipped my hair over my shoulder, and headed back to Anders, who was sneakily checking me out.

Even though Anders was taken, I still had fun talking to the guys, telling them embarrassing stories about when I dated Romney and just talking in general. It was a little bit annoying because they were all inconspicuously trying to spit game, or pawn themselves off on me. But I tried to dodge it as best as I could....by making it very clear that we were platonic friends. 

After pulling another one of them off, I turned to see Anders, holding a green beer.

"You know you've been holding that beer for like an hour," Anders said, snarkily. He pushed a bit of his hair back.

The two of us stood and talked, and suddenly, as we talked, I felt a presence next to me.

"He has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend, you look thirsty as fuck," Johnson whisper-yelled, as I stood right in front of Johnson.

I had no idea why he was so obviously annoying, but I decided to ignore it.

"You really should talk to Rohan though," Anders said, as he broke the silence between us. "He really is the best one out of all of us."

-

The rest of the night was a mixture of Johnson trying to pawn his unattractive (but very cool!) friends off on me, and his friends trying to pawn him off on me. But regardless, as I sat on that couch, and had all these ridiculous guys around me, and Anders sitting across from me, it seemed like that was exactly what I needed. The New Girl references, the beer, the pizza, and the gossip, it was all perfect. And even though I definitely didn't meet the next blog-worthy guy, it didn't matter, because I was having fun.and having a good ass time.

The universe always seems to have a ridiculous sense of humor, and instead of sending me the perfect guy, it instead sent me four imperfect guys- who ended up being exactly what I needed.

Zero Stars

A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and having someone sit on it. 

-Danielle Steel

It had been literally three days since I had heard from Jason, the last thing he said to me was "Think Friday may work best for me."

What the fuck was that even???

At first, I was completely convinced that it was just because he was shy and whatnot, but then as time progressed, I couldn't help but become paranoid.

"Maybe Romney gave you a bad Yelp review," Serena said, as I analyzed the current situation.

"I don't think life works like that, Serena," I said, as I rummaged through my bag for a hand cream. I was balancing my cell phone on my shoulder, as I searched the abyss of lipsticks and post-its.

"I mean, think about it, I think that's the kind of shit guys do- you said they were friends right?"

She did have a point.

"No... he wouldn't do that."

C'mon Blair.

"Okay... I don't know-"

"EXACTLY," Serena said, interrupting me. "He could have given you a bad Yelp review."

I mean, even if he did, were things really so terrible between us that he would give me a bad Yelp review? I thought about that for a second, and then I started laughing out loud, to myself.

Okay, yeah, he would give me a review with the caption, "I wish I could give her zero stars."

I could see it now:

ZERO STARS. If I could give zero stars, I could. Blair Bui and I dated, and she and her friends are absolutely insane. They wouldn't stop asking me what my intentions were with her. She's too sassy, too brazen, and too bold. She's petty, young, and foolish. She is absolutely crazy and sent me texts when she was drunk calling me OLD AF. Don't date her.

On the other side of my romantic turmoil, Carter was proving to be a total bust. After being so butt hurt about my non-caring reaction to everything he did, my friends provided me some interesting advice... they basically told me to stop being such a huge bitch and to tell him that I liked him.

Blair: I'm going to admit that I actually like you, but you can't use it against me.

And ZILCH.

But as this all happened, I thought to myself, and could not believe that Romney could have left me a bad Yelp review...and the guys in the College of Medicine made up a big chunk of my dating pool! And so, I decided that I maybe needed to not burn every bridge I had to the pool of guys there...

Blair: Hey, Johnson, I was thinking that even though things didn't work out, I would still love to be friends!

C'mon, you can't judge a girl for doing what she's gotta do. Johnson may be kind of weird and a little bit desperate, but his friends definitely were not...

The Shy Guy

“But she wished she had had the guts to go up to him and say hello. Or possibly break his legs, she wasn't sure which.”

-Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Played with Fire 

***The following post continues from the previous post regarding Carter.

"No, she's talking about the shy guy!" Serena said, on the phone.

"You forgot about him!"

 "Guys, I haven't even gone on a date with him!"

 "You might as well put him down," Kayresia said, with a laugh.

 "I have a good feeling about shy guy," Serena admitted. And to be completely honest...I did too. 

-

ONE MONTH AGO:


I had been texting Ezra, and as I walked to visit Regina at work, I stopped completely in my tracks. Sashaying towards me, was Louis Romney.

"Was he always that short?" I thought to myself, as he walked closer. It was unmistakably him, Republican navy v-neck sweater, slacks, grandpa loafers, and all. Did he ever dress just casually?

He spotted me, said hello, and then turned around, stopping to talk to me. I looked at him, side eye and all, it was only until he was standing right in front of me that I realized that this idiot was holding a fucking banana. A FUCKING BANANA.

"Hey, Blair, how are you?" He asked, as he shoved the banana in his mouth.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

And then suddenly, I remembered something.

"Your friend's cute, set me up with him!" I said, looking at Louis. He looked at me, shocked, and I swear you guys, he nearly choked on that banana chunk in his mouth.

"Who, Muhammad?" Louis laughed awkwardly after that, as I probably made an involuntary bitch face.

"No, the one in your picture!" I took out Facebook on my phone, and showed him.

"OH, you're friends with Jason?"

Could he not understand English, or what?

"No, he's cute."

"OH, so you want me to set you up with him," Louis said, while completely judging me in the process. What did he care? He missed his chance to date me, and his friend was really cute and single.

As we said good bye, he gave me a judgy look, and then walked away.

-

I was casually scrolling on Facebook, when I saw a familiar face. I clicked on it, and Jason's profile pulled up instantaneously.

"Mutual friends," I thought to myself, "Johnson Baker (Tinder Guy #3), Azeem Awani, Louis Romney, and....JOHNNY BELCHER?!"

Blair: HOW DO YOU KNOW JASON?

I waited in anticipation, and was playing Neko Atsume, when suddenly,

Johnny: His brother is an M4.
Blair: Introduce me.
Johnny: I don't really know him that well. Just add him on Facebook!
Blair: No, that's what weirdos do! 

Okay, we can ignore that I did that to Louis Romney like, four months ago?

Johnny: Guys don't really care about things like that. Just add him, Blair.

So, somehow, I channeled my inner Kayresia, and I added AND messaged him.

Blair: Hey! We matched once on Tinder, but my friends got drunk and they unmatched me!
Jason: Haha now why would they do that?

I left out the part where we met a couple times in passing and that he was friends with my ex boyfriend. We talked for a little bit, and made some small talk...but he didn't make a move. And so, somehow, Louis Romney actually proved himself useful, and provided me with some pretty vital information.

"So, I'm trying to talk to your friend...is he usually shy and kinda awkward?"

"Yeah, he is. That's just his personality."

And so, in that case, I decided to take the initiative in this situation.


Blair: Okay, so, I'm gonna leave my number, because I'm definitely a lot more funny and cute in person- I'd love to hang out some time! And if you're not up for it, you don't have to say anything and I definitely won't take it personally. 630-555-1416! 
Jason: Hey thanks, sounds good. This is kind of a busy weekend for me but we'll find a time!

And so, we texted a tiny bit, and ended up making plans for later that week.

-

"I have a good feeling about shy guy," Serena admitted.

"I do too, it's a strange kind of feeling."

"He might just be exactly what you need."

When Zayn Finally F's Off

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
-Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

The following post is definitely a more serious one- not the typical kind of humor/content.

A couple weeks ago, something traumatic happened to me. And I didn't know it was traumatic until it followed me around like a ghost, haunting me, and affecting me in ways that I didn't think that it could. It seemed so small and insignificant, really, especially since I consider myself to be a strong young woman, but after all of this, I've learned that strength does not come up from always being indifferent or holding yourself up, but from how you react when you allow yourself to fall down.

Being taken advantage of isn't just through physical means, there are so many ways that you can be taken advantage of emotionally. There are so many ways in which you can be swayed or taken advantage of, when you're in a weak emotional state, and you just tell yourself, "okay, I guess." And I shouldn't have let myself give in, because of a lackluster, "Okay, I guess." I shouldn't have let myself do the things I did, for, "Okay, I guess." I shouldn't have just gone with it, or let them touch me, when I was not one hundred percent in. You don't round up for these things, and I wish that I was stronger so that I could have said no.

And even though I never, ever, ever wanted to talk to Zayn again, and I wanted to ignore him for the rest of my life, Yeezy's word's kept following me.

Yeezy: I think you just need to close that chapter in your life.
Blair: I do too, which is why I'm not talking to him. But he texts me every week, and I ignore him every week.
Yeezy: Ignoring people is not a way to close that experience.

"Okay, I think I'm going to say something," I said, as I looked at my phone. Kayresia and I were sitting on her bed, watching Love and Hip Hop.

"OKAY, I've got it. I'm going to say, 'I would rather have it that way, it was a traumatic experience and I've moved on and I've been living my life, happily. I don't want to speak to or see you again.'" I smiled, and looked up at Kayresia, who was looking at me as if I had just throat punched her grandmother.

"What?" I asked, innocently.

"Blair, you finna make him jump off a building or kill himself with that shit."

"I'm just trying to be honest!"

"You're BRUTALLY honest." she said.

Okay, she had a point. Maybe it was a little bit mean considering that Zayn and I were friends.

"What's wrong with it?"

"First of all, don't use the word traumatic, and second of all, just say you would prefer not be friends with him."

"Can I still say it was traumatic?"

"NO, just say it was... different."

Blair: I would rather have it this way, it was a weird experience and I've moved on and have been living my life. I would prefer not to be friends.

And within seconds, my phone was blowing up.

"I thought this would go away!" I said, shaking my head. Kayresia looked at me, and laughed.

"It won't go away now, you already started it."

"Can't I just ignore him?" I asked, innocently. It was totally fine, I would just ignore him forever, and it would be-

WAIT.

I looked at the text again, to make sure I was reading things correctly.

Zayn: I must be not understanding something. Can you at least explain to me what it was that was so weird that you feel like we can't even talk anymore? I mean I know it wasn't the greatest experience but it's not like I'm asking for that again. We don't even have to hang out again like we used to. I just want to be able to walk past the desk and not be ignored. It makes me feel uncomfortable and even more so because it happens around people I work with as well. I don't know if that was something you wanted from me and are upset that I wasn't into it or that you feel like I violated your trust for allowing that to happen when we just wanted to be friends. If you at least tell me what's going on, maybe I would understand why you're so upset

DID HE JUST SAY THAT TO ME?!?!

"OH HELL NO," I yelled. I looked at Kayresia, and from the look I gave her, she knew I was going to insert the word traumatic into the conversation. I was completely disgusted and annoyed that Zayn would even THINK that I was acting weird because I wanted him.

"I don't know if that was something you wanted from me and are upset that I wasn't into it."

1. He was SO fucking into it.
2. I was SO fucking not into it.

Literally, the whole thing with Zayn traumatized me, and not even in a remotely funny way. For the two weeks after it happened, I was completely disgusted by guys. The mention or thought of sex made me want to throw up; I felt this terrible nauseous feeling inside of me. Whenever guys would come up to me and want to flirt with me, I felt gross. It was just this gross feeling that followed me around- this disgust and distrust of guys. I couldn't look at my other guy friends the same way, without thinking that they would lose my trust like Zayn did. That they would try to fuck me when I was down. It was a terrible, gross feeling, and it wasn't okay again, I wasn't okay again until I got over it. 

And I didn't even realize it was a problem until Johnny and I were hanging out one night, and he had the lights off in his living room, and I completely lost my shit. I really did. I completely lost my shit when Johnny had the lights off, and we were watching a movie, because I just felt so gross and so uneasy, anxious and upset. And after talking to him, and finally admitting the gross experience with Zayn was traumatic, it helped me realize what was going on. The disgust with myself (and guys) faded away.

But I couldn't be mean, I wasn't a mean girl.

Blair: It was a traumatic experience for me, I was going through something and I was upset and you were supposed to be there as a friend. Okay, it was weird and traumatizing and definitely not something that I wanted. And let's just leave it at that.

Zayn: And trust me, that was not something I was planning. I've felt like shit about it ever since. I really only wanted to be there for you as a friend. I let my loneliness get the better of me and I misread the situation because I thought you felt the same way. I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious when you asked me how my week was that I was depressed, considering I had just been shot down for the umpteenth time. At this point I'm not going to try to convince you to change your mind because I have no right to do so. I will say that I am truly sorry for being an asshole of a human being and ask that you think about forgiving me. Whether that's now, or later is completely your choice.

And I still haven't fully read what he wrote back, and to be honest, I don't really care. All I care about is that this happened, and it was in the past, and now I've moved on and closed that part of my life.

Even though I always write about the funny things that happen in my life, this is a very serious post, with a very serious message. Don't ever, ever do anything that you aren't sure of. Unless you're in it one hundred percent, don't allow yourself to do something that you are hesitant about. It doesn't matter what other people want or think, all that matters is you.

There have been times when I've slept with guys, even though I wasn't one hundred percent, even though I wasn't fully sure. I just said, "Okay, whatever," and did things that I shouldn't have. Zayn wasn't the first, and Ted was a monster in his own way. And I think sometimes that's why they are the worst experiences that I have had with men, because I shouldn't have done anything. I used to regret these experiences, but I've learned to be careful and to be sure. And even though I wasn't sexually assaulted, I still feel uneasy about both of them- because I was not into it; I didn't really want it. And that's what happens, when you allow someone in, when you aren't sure. It should never be, "okay, I guess." It really shouldn't.

But I'm okay, and I'm living my life, and I've learned to only be with anyone that you're absolutely enthusiastically super into. And for a little while, I wondered if I could ever be with another guy again, and I kissed Carter, and the was the first guy in a long time.

Slice of Apple Pie, Part Two

“Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.”
-William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

"Just so you know, it's hard to get attention from me, this kind of thing never happens," Carter said, as we walked down the street.

"You said that already, do I need to say that I'm not that easy and hard to get, for the millionth time too?" I said, as I held my umbrella. A pedestrian walked by, and completely gave Carter side eye for not holding my umbrella. The streets were slick with water, as it rained and scattered precipitation all over the brick buildings. Worms covered the sidewalks, and we walked down the street towards the restaurant.

"I'm just saying, I make girls crazy, Blair." I stopped in my tracks, and turned to face him.

"Yeah, well I don't play games Carter, because I don't have time for that."

He stared at me blankly, as it rained all around us.

As soon as we got to the place, Carter paid for his own food and ordered for himself. And I stood there, mouth open in shock as this all happened. As I ordered, he walked over to some girls, and started talking to them, glancing over to me to gauge my reaction.

"A turkey burger, no onion or tomato, and cheese fries," I said, as I handed over my card, and paid no attention to Carter. I walked over to the table, completely ignoring that he existed. And out of the corner of my eye, I knew that he was annoyed by that.

As we walked out of the restaurant, I turned to look at him.

"Is this considered a date?" I asked, completely blindsiding Carter. He looked at me, like I admitted like I was secretly a call girl.

"This is a hang out," he said, "I don't like calling something a date if I don't have my car."

"Yes I know, but earlier, you said that if you hang out with someone and you end up getting food, then it's a date." I responded, sassily.

"Shit, then you're right, it's a date." And as we walked about half a block, abruptly, he turned to me. "Why Blair, do you care if it's a date?"

I turned, and looked at him. "I'm indifferent, and besides, it's definitely not." I responded, as I continued walking.

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't pay."

-

"HOLY SHIT, what happened next?" Serena asked, as I was on the phone with her.

"He seemed hurt by it, and annoyed...I don't think he was expecting me to be so sassy. On the way home I said that I was cold, and he like...tried to wrap his arm around me. It was weird, because he definitely wasn't that type of guy."

"He's obviously hurt, Blair, he likes you!"

"Yeah, well if he does, then he shouldn't be playing games with me!"

As soon as I said that, Kayresia called my name.

"Blair, how many guys have you dated?"

"Dated or gone on dates with?" I asked, casually.

"This is a really good question!" Serena said, from the phone.

"Okay, I'm gonna count guys I've kissed, since I've come to college....I need a moment for this."

Kayresia gave me a funny look, and then started to laugh. "Damn, you thotlicious."

"There was...Haz, Bill, James."

"Shit, I forgot James was in there too," she said, laughing.

"Sexy Drake, Alejandro, Luke, Johnny." I paused for a moment, "Did I forget anyone else in there?"

Kayresia and Serena were erupting with laughter at this point.

"Jake Reagan, Toronto, Chuck, FOR A YEAR AND A HALF, I MIGHT ADD."

"Thot thot thotlicious."

"Romney, Ted (ew), Rafael, and-"

"Don't forget Tinder Guy #3," Kayresia said.

"Okay... Tinder Guy #3, and then Carter! That's it, you assholes!"

"You forgot the new guy!" Kayresia added.

"I didn't, I added Carter to the list!"

"No, she's talking about the shy guy!" Serena said, on the phone. "You forgot about him!"

"Guys, I haven't even gone on a date with him!"

"You might as well put him down," Kayresia said, with a laugh.

"I have a good feeling about shy guy," Serena admitted. And to be completely honest...I did too.

-

Neck in writhing pain, sore as fuck body, messy hair, no makeup, super obvious floral scarf to conceal the remnants of last night. That is how I walked into work the next morning, looking like an absolute fucking disaster, and feeling like an even bigger one. And as I checked my phone, to see the text waiting for me, I felt even more annoyed.

Zayn: Hey so I know you said you wanted to avoid each other for like a week but it's been almost a month. I know you feel like it's weird after what happened but it feels really weird for me that we're still not talking and that you are ignoring me when you see me. You're a good friend and I don't like to let one bad thing ruin a friendship. At the very least, I hope we can talk about it and figure something out instead of just going on the way it is.

Slice of Apple Pie, Part One

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
-Oscar Wilde 

Neck in writhing pain, sore as fuck body, messy hair, no makeup, super obvious floral scarf to conceal the remnants of last night. That is how I walked into work this morning, looking like an absolute fucking disaster, and feeling like an even bigger one. And as I checked my phone, to see the text waiting for me, I felt even more annoyed.

-

As I sat and typed up the conclusion to my Psych paper, I felt my phone vibrate from under my covers.

I looked at my phone, to see an apology text from Carter, and another one, where he basically begged me to hang out with him.

Carter: In like thirty minutes?

I pondered for a second, and then decided to answer him back.

Blair: Maybe at five, after I finish my paper.

Okay, maybe I was being a little bit mean to Carter, but if you knew what had been happening between the two of us, you would understand. We had been back and forth flirting, and back and forth Snapchatting, and I had thought that we would've gone out already by that point...but we hadn't. And after I told him that I didn't have time to wait around and that I didn't play games, he begged me to hang out again, and to meet up again.

Later that day, I buzzed apartment number three, and opened the door and headed up the stairs. And there he stood, waiting for me, smirk on his face and hat pulled backwards.

"Hey, I'm really glad the two of us could meet up again," Carter tried to say, smoothly.

"Yeah, well I Lyfted my ass over here," I remarked, watching Carter look back at me, completely shocked. "You should be glad that I did after everything that happened." I looked up at him, and casually flipped a curl over my shoulder.

"I really should be, I'm really sorry about everything."

For some guy that was supposedly a player, he seemed pretty easy.

The two of us sat on his couch, and talked for a while. We talked about what we had been up to, and what had been going on. Carter explained that he got arrested for speeding, and had to cancel our plans for the night before, and he actually told me a lot of things, which completely raised questions in my mind.

"Yeah, when I showed my friends pictures of you, they thought you'd be quiet and innocent too...but you're not. You're a, quote unquote, boss ass bitch."

Wait, he showed his friends pictures of me? I was completely surprised, as Carter didn't seem like the type to do things like that. I didn't even really know what to say, so I paused for a moment, and then tried to react nonchalantly.

I laughed.

Yes, I laughed.

 "I know, I'm bold and sassy, brazen and independent. And I definitely know what I want and I'm not afraid to speak my mind."

"And you're just, so chill for a girl. I normally make girls crazy."

I looked back at him, giving him a look. Did he really think he could just slide that in there?

"Yeah, well I make guys crazy," I said, as I put on a bit more of red lipsticks.

"Oh really?" he asked, as if he didn't believe me. I looked at him, eyes narrowing.

"I do."

And if you read Cliches in Chicago, you would fucking know, buddy.

"I thought you went crazy a bit back there, when you reacted like that the other night."

"I wasn't going crazy," I said, adamantly. I looked at Carter, my face inches from his, I wasn't going to lie or pretend like I wasn't going to say the truth. "I just don't play games and I don't waste my time with petty things like that. I'm hard to get, and you gotta work for it, point blank." Carter stared back at me, blankly, as if I had uttered profanities about his mother. He wasn't expecting this, and I definitely flipped the game on him.

"Okay, we'll see what happens, Blair."

"It was funny that we ran into each other last week while you were driving," I admitted.

"Yeah, it was nice seeing you."

"I looked cute," I said, laughing.

"You did. I was going to pick you up, because I was heading out to get food, but you were with your boyfriend," Carter commented, not-so-subtly. I gave him side eye, and then looked away.

LAST WEEK, MARCH 9, 2016/
SCENE: Blair and Yael are walking down Taylor Street, after a delicious meal.
"Who the fuck just cut me off?" I thought to myself. And as I squinted my eyes, and looked a little bit closer, I recognized him.
"Oh my god, it's CARTER," I said, as I smiled, and waved at him.
As Carter drove off in his jeep, I turned and looked at Yael. Yael looked back at me, with an annoyed look on his face.
"I have never seen you like that," he said, giving me side eye.
"I like him," I giggled. "Is he still looking at me?" I sneakily looked past my shoulder.
 "You just lost all your boss ass bitch-ness."

"You mean my guy friend?"

"I don't know what he is to you," Carter added, snippily. Was he really acting like this? I'm sure his apartment was busier than Ellis Island in the 1900's.

The two of us talked, and he ended up admitting that he had creeped on my profile after I was featured in campus news. (Long story short, this photographer had the biggest boner for me, and after I was featured, hella guys inboxed me and tried to add me on Facebook....awkward! I was still dating Chuck at the time so it was significantly more annoying than flattering).

"I'm hard to get attention from, Blair. You would know," he said, with a wink.

I looked straight at Carter, slightly annoyed that he was playing these games again.

"Carter, I wouldn't know, because I didn't try to get your attention. You've noticed me like, a bunch of times and you never came up to me, for whatever reason. You said you saw me two summers ago, when we both took Orgo 2, and a bunch of times in Cell Bio. And NADA."

"I may have checked you out a couple times," Carter confessed. I looked at him, expectantly.

"Okay, more an a couple times."

There is a pivotal transition in between the phase when you're casually conversing with a new person that you're interested in, and then you're making out furiously with each other and unleashing all your weird psychological sexual desires. Usually it happens when you're easing into talking about sex...and then things you like during sex. And that's what happened in this case.

"I like having nails scratching my back and chest, biting girls and being bitten, and kind of being hurt," he stopped for a moment and looked at me, to make sure that I was following him.

"And being hit in the face."

WHAT THE FUCK?

"Being hit...in the face?" I asked. I repeated the words, as if I was a little kid learning how to speak. What the actual FUCK?

"Yeah, just like being smacked across the face. Like SMACKED. Just try it."

I looked at my hand, and then I looked at his face. The thought of my hand smacking him across the face was just weird.

"You really like this?"

"Yeah."

"And you're not going to report me for like, assault or anything...are you?" I glanced over to Carter, where he shook his head, somewhat enthusiastically. This was getting kind of weird.

"Okay..." I looked at my hand, and then, I slapped him across his face. As I pulled my hand away, Carter looked back at me, emotionless.

"I'm sorry, did that hur-"

"Hit me harder."

I looked back at Carter, in complete shock.

HE WANTED ME TO HIT HIM HARDER?!

Needless to say, we made out. And as we made out, Carter kept trying to get a slice of my apple pie. And as he wanted it more and more, it was more and more fun to turn him down.

"Why are you such a tease?!" Carter groaned, as he pulled away.

"Because I'm hard to get," I whispered. I leaned in a bit, until we were nose to nose. "And I'm hard to get."

"Why can't I tease you back?"

"Because it doesn't work that way, Carter," I said, as I looked up at him. My body felt sore in different spots all over, from the crazy shit that Carter was into. We ONLY made out, and I still felt sore in the spots where he bit me, and I was a hundred percent that he bruised me.

"I'm hard to get Blair. It's hard to get attention from me." 

I looked at Carter, and then laughed. "Obviously not," I said, looking at him from head to toe. I pulled out a mirror, and nearly dropped it once I saw my body. There were red marks all over my body, and the cream on top was the massive dark purple and burgundy spot on my neck.

"HOLY SHIT!" Carter yelled, dropping his shirt on the ground. "I didn't think it'd be that bad, and you said I could!"

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

Peck Me, Get Me

"Hey, we got a good thing, don't know if I'mma see you again. But is that a good thing?"

-J. Cole

It had been exactly two weeks since I stopped talking to Chuck, and it had been a week and a half since I had started not-so-sneakily sneaking around with Carter. It didn't really matter, because Regina and I weren't friends anymore, but something was bothering me.

Why the fuck hadn't Carter made a move on me yet?

It had been a week and a half of him driving me to class, us sitting and flirting during class, and him bringing me coffee (he remembered my order). A week and a half of casual flirting, texting spontaneously, and chance encounter run-ins. But during this time there wasn't even a bit of hand holding, or even a peck on the lips, or anything. 

And it was driving me crazy. I knew I definitely wanted to take things slow after the traumatic experience I had with Zayn, but I liked Carter. He had stuck around a lot longer than the other guys had...and we hadn't even had our first date yet! He was funny, and cute, and proved to be much more of a challenge than I thought he would be. I was used to guys dropping everything to be with me, or to try and get me- Ted, Tinder Guy #3, all of the guys had been so easy. The only one that hadn't (that I also liked) was Rafael, but he ended up boning and disowning me, so there's that...

I knew that I had been driving him crazy too- with his terrible texting, his cancelling our first date, and other things, he had expected me to completely tweak like other girls did. He even embellished him cancelling the plans with a "you must hate me right now!" But I didn't give a fuck- and he himself had even told me that he was completely floored by how chill I was. I don't really sweat the small things and I don't really do drama.. but I definitely had to admit that he was starting to irk me.

How had he not kissed me yet?

It's not like I was wondering why he didn't fuck me yet- I'm not that type of girl, and I definitely learned my lesson after the whole Rafael thing. You never, ever, ever fuck someone that you're trying to date. Definitely not prematurely. And based on the type of fuck boys I've interacted with, if he was trying to just bang me, he definitely would have tried already to meet and "hang out."

Blair: I'm surprised you haven't made a move yet!
Carter: What?
Blair: The kiss that you said you wanted?
Carter: I want to, but life keeps getting in the way.

And then, this MF tried to tell me that he was just disorganized and busy. And as I looked at my phone, I couldn't help but think to myself,

"Is he fucking shiting me?"

Maybe it was because I was used to guys dropping everything for me- okay, not maybe, but definitely because I was used to getting attention and having to dismiss guys or get them to back off a bit. But the fact of the matter is, for a guy that's supposedly interested in me, shouldn't he be trying to...you know, get me?

The Floral Scarf

“Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.”
-Dalai Lama XIV

In which Blair breaks a rule much, much bigger than the ones that she made for herself.

-

"He's not even that cute, so there's no harm in studying with him," I assured myself, as I took another step. Who cares if he and she had a thing, she's in love with her boyfriend now, so it's totally okay if I just study with Carter. And that's what I was going to do. I had a Cellular Biology exam the next day, and Regina had decided to sleep, while Kayresia was studying in her bed. 

PLUS, I didn't even look cute- I just had a ponytail and a casual striped top, very Parisian. And as I walked towards the orange couches, I realized that,

1. Carter was actually very, very cute.
2. This definitely meant trouble.

-

And as we laughed and talked, I knew there was something that I had to address. It's not like I could just pretend that this wasn't happening. Especially if there was a chance that I liked him- which I didn't, even though he was smart, and funny, and stupidly cute. Well...maybe I did.

"You know my friend Regina," I said, looking at him.

"Regina, the one that likes anime and heavy metal?" He said, looking at me. I stared back at him blankly. REGINA liking heavy metal? This was a whole other alternate universe to me. Was there a Blair that listened to country and liked sports in this universe too?

"She likes heavy metal?!"

"Yeah, she used to like A Day To Remember, but you guys are friends?" He asked, looking at me.

"Trust me, the only thing she and I have in common is that we both like makeup and Starbucks, and I'm a lot more low key than she is....I like drinking beer and just chilling." I laughed.

"You give off that chill vibe," he said, "Not that you're not sassy and demanding too," he added, jokingly.

"So I have to ask, what happened between the two of you?" I asked. Carter looked at me, as if he one hundred percent expected that this question was coming. In a way, I think it surprised him that we hung out for about two hours before it came up.

"Well, we hung out a bit freshman year. We went to a couple parties, hung out in her cluster, kissed once or twice but that was it. She ended up getting a boyfriend, and that was the end it of it. I met my ex afterwards and that was it," he admitted, as he flashed me with another smile. 

Why did he have to be cute?

"Oh, okay," I said, changing the subject.

"What's your friendship like?"

-

"....and she's always late, but that's just her personality. One time we were supposed to go to class together, but then I showed up late because of HER." I laughed, as my phone went off again. I looked around sneakily, to see if anyone could see us.

"I know, I actually remember that time," Carter admitted.

"Shut up, no you don't!" I looked at him. "Stalker, there's no way you remember that," I said, laughing.

"No, you walked into class, and you were wearing a lighter blue coat, and had this grey-yellow scarf on, and I just remember you looked so frazzled like you were having a long day. And your hair was all curled, and stuff." He looked at me, and smiled.

"Oh my god, yeah, that was definitely me. I can't believe you even remember my floral scarf," I said, laughing. It was a weird moment between us, not a weird bad moment, but a weird good moment. Definitely, a weird good moment. It was the moment in which I couldn't lie to myself- I was actually attracted to Carter, and definitely liked him.

"I'm really good with faces, and I definitely remember you," he said. My phone went off frantically, as I checked the responses to the text that I had sent.

Regina: 1. Why are you asking about a story I told you about 1000000x? If you don't remember, don't ask. I hate repeating myself.

What the actual fuck?

"Sorry, I have to answer this really quickly," I replied.

Blair: You told me you guys were involved and that's it! I was just curious.

I put my phone down, only to have it go off again.

Regina: I've told you the whole story before. Legit, next time actually listen. That's what friends do.

There was definitely more to this story than what I had thought.

The Rules of the Game

“Look for the exception to every rule and you'll find it."

-Proverb

I think that dating's an experiment, it's a bunch of trial and error, and a bunch of revisions to your experiment. Whether it's isolating a certain group to be your experimental group (no more dating hella old guys), or changing your control that you use for comparison (no more comparing to my failed relationship with Chuck), or adding procedures (first date should be a coffee date), dating for me has definitely been a bunch of trial and error.

Mostly error.

And so, as a result of everything that's happened for the past two months, I have decided that I am going to make a couple rules for myself, too ensure that I don't get lost in the sauce.

1. No sex. Sex used to be important and valuable to me, but I feel like it's lost it's meaning as I've gotten older. 
2. No sex with Chuck. Seriously, just because he's phenomenal at it, doesn't mean that you can sporadically and spontaneously have sex with with him. Sex with an ex is absolutely a terrible idea. 
3. Actually, don't even talk to Chuck. He doesn't deserve it, you're too good of a girlfriend AND friend for him. He's not worth it, because he fucking sucks. 
4. Avoid Zayn at all costs. At risk of projectile vomiting, running away to hide, or other embarrassing (for him) behaviors, it's probably best that you avoid him until you die, or until he dies. Whichever comes first. 
5. No dating guys until Regina's birthday on March 12th. That'll be like, almost three weeks without dating anyone. The longest you've gone without finding a new guy since the break up was like five days! Plus, if you start dating someone now it'll be awkward because when her party comes up, that whole "what are we?," "should I bring him?" thing comes up and that's just awkward, okay? 
6. No texting Rafael anymore. He's a lost cause who spontaneously is interested, disappears, and then texts you like two weeks later. Yes, he is super fucking hot, but he's also a fuckboy, and you always seem to catch the stupid when it comes to him.

Maybe'll I'll meet the Chuck Bass to my Blair Waldorf now?