“It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.”
-Greg Behrendt

This has been the longest week of my entire life, actually.

Completely unrelated- this week has been so long, that today my body was begging for a Pedialyte. Yael and I finished half a bottle of 80 proof vodka together, and I ended up passing out on his apartment floor. Pro tip- Gatorade, sprite, plus vodka is a recipe for destruction. You will taste NONE of the alcohol inside of your drink.

With Casey's nonstop yammering about her boyfriend, my ex boyfriend (Louis) Romney somehow finding a girlfriend, and everyone I know magically somehow finding a significant other, it has been a tiring fucking week. I'm not even going to pretend like I'm so goddamn happy for them, because right now, everyone's just staring at me, thinking, "This bitch is lonely AF," as they nonstop talk about their significant others.

And I'm not lonely- I just don't have a romantic interest right now. I am completely, one hundred percent single, and it's something I didn't expect to be. Like, no cute boys around, or anything. And as this is happening, and I eat pasta and watch Netflix alone, everyone and their momma has decided to find their "soulmate," as I eat Italian carbs.

And it's just sad, honestly, because I want someone to care about me, to be thinking about me and wondering what I'm up to. I want to make someone smile, and to be in someone's thoughts. I want to be the reason someone's eyes light up and their heart beats faster, and I just want someone to honestly give a fuck about me. Because right now, as all my friends find other people, I don't even hang out with that many of them, because they are off being in love and whatnot. And I'm just here, by my fucking self, and eating carbs.

Okay, what fun is being single when your friends are all off being in love and talking nonstop about being in love? Like goddamn, if you tell me about your plans with your boyfriend again for the millionth time, I'm going to blow chunks. Because it's so incredibly hard, when you have one person that's there by your side, and out of no where, it's you versus the world, and you're here all alone, with no one else. And I'm incredibly independent, and I'm a strong ass lady, but right now, it kinda sucks.

I don't want to go on Tinder, and I don't want to let some rando into my life, I want another one in a million encounter, and I want to meet someone special. Someone that I see potential in, and want a future with. And I know that makes this whole thing a million times harder, and takes a crap ton more time, but why be with someone unless they're worth it? I know it's crazy to be this picky and to have all of these expectations, but there's going to be some phenomenal guy out there, and when I'm with him, I'm going to think to myself, "Damn, this was worth it."

Burned, Again and Again

"Never let an old flame burn you twice."

I might have, maybe, possibly done something.

Let me tell you something about Chuck and I- what happened between us, it was not a love story. Chuck and I are not a love story, the story of Chuck and I is a story about love, but not a love story. But it's okay, because I've learned so much about love and relationships, about what I want and don't want. 

There is another story that has to be told- the story of a handsome young(ish) man, and a delightful young lady, and an elevator. Um, and the stupid stuff that happened afterwards.

As Casey and I walked into the elevator, I felt the La Croix shift in my bag. I could not believe that it had been a month and a half since that night, when Chuck and I broke up. But I was genuinely happy, and I felt a new beginning on the verge.

“Ugh, we should have totally gotten booze,” I admitted, looking down at the sparkling water in my bag.

“Yeah, whiskey would have been perfect!” Casey said.

“No, Stella and Blue Moon!”

“No, whiskey!” she responded, as a laugh emerged from the corner.

 I turned to see a guy laughing at us, in full capacity. He was built, tall, and actually pretty cute. He had dark hair, which was brushed cleanly against his head. It was the first time that I had even looked at a guy, in a while.

“Are you laughing at us?” I said, sassily.

“Yeah, just a little, it’s funny,” he admitted. As the elevator arrived on another floor.

“Whiskey is good!” Casey added, stating her point,

“Yeah, I like whiskey,” the guy admitted, as we arrived on my floor. “But Blue Moon’s good too,” he admitted, as we walked away.

“Who’s that guy?” I asked, as we walked away.

Casey sighed for a moment, confessed, “He’s so hot.” “His name is Louis Romney, he’s a med student, and he always worked out when I worked the desk on Thursdays. He lives on the eleventh floor, and he’s so nice, and soooo hot!”

“He could be,” Casey said, as we walked around the corner.

“I think I’m going message him.”

Later, as I looked at the chat box, Kayresia was on the verge of smacking me across the head.

“Okay, Blair, all you have to do is type, ‘hi, how are you?’ THAT’S IT,” she said, as she pointed at the laptop screen. I was nearly in the fetal position, hiding behind my hands.

“I can’t do this- I’ve been out of the game for too long!”

“BLAIR, JUST SAY IT.”

“NO!”

"What if I'm just like, 'oh hey, I recognized you from the elevator and-"

"BLAIR, just say, 'Hi. How are you?'" Kayresia said, losing patience.

"Or I say, 'I saw you on my suggested friends side bar and I recognized you from the elevator and-'"

And as I looked at the screen, noticing that Kayresia was done with my shit and that she had sent the message for me, I crawled into the fetal position.

"Oh my fucking god, you salty bitch,"

You see, Louis and I were perfectly fine, he became the "cool older guy" that I was dating, until over winter break he sent me a list of problems he had with me. Like, an actual list.

"Well your stories are often times kind of superficial and about silly teenage dramas. And since I'm not used to the sass, it feels a little like bossiness. And you kept saying that the $10 beer in a can was low maintenance. I'm not sure what high maintenance is..."

1. I have bomb ass stories, and sure they aren't about me doing my taxes or some boring adult nonsense, but they're definitely not superficial.
2. MY SASS IS LIFE.
3. The beer in a can was $5, as in he paid twice the amount for a drink and he didn't notice. AND we were at a local bar, not even a high-end bar! And I was drinking the beer....IN A CAN.

I don't know what kind of entitled asshole thinks that he can just send lists of problems that he has with people to them. It didn't surprise me- Louis was a conservative asshole, who didn't believe in feminism and went against my core principles in life. And after that experience, Regina was going to tear him apart (she already had, with comments about his McDonald's M shaped hairline). He was a total asshole, and a complete jerk!

....and I totally fell for it after break when he gave me this long, crazy speech. Long story short, we ended up dating...again.. because he gave me this dramatic speech (while Adele's Hello played in the background) about how he was afraid to commit because I was so much younger and going places, but he liked me so incredibly much. And that he didn't do anything with anyone over break (side note- I totally started hooking up with Johnny again at that point...oops.), except think about me! And I must have caught stupid, because when that happened, I took the cashmere sweater he gave me ($200), and totally agreed to see him again. 

And of course, that ended exactly how you thought it would- in complete and utter chaos. 

"And then he dumped me," I cried, as I sat on Regina's bed. "Regina, I really thought it was different this time, no wonder none of you liked him."

She pulled me into a hug, and then admitted, "I am going to be so rude to Louis Romlazang and his disappearing hairline. Just wait and see, Blair, his old crusty ass is going to get it. I'm going to check him out of this building!"

I am a boss ass bitch, I swear, you guys. I just temporarily caught the stupid. 

The way it ended the second time, was probably the worst, actually. I ended up taking him to this fancy work event, and as we all sat there in Carnivale, casually enjoying our dinner, Louis decided to offend a lot of people. He acted super classist, super sexist, and well...super convervative. He asked people if they were lower level employees, and it was just a huge mess overall. 

Louis is... ultra conservative. He only cares about the economy, hates poor people, hates Hispanic people, doesn't believe in feminism, He is actually Romney and Trump in twenty nine year old youngish man form. 

Anyways, we were all somewhat casually enjoying this nice dinner, when suddenly, Kayresia turned to Louis, and asked, "Louis, what are your intentions with Blair?"

A gut wrenching feeling hit me, as I turned and looked at him, noticing that he looked like Kayresia just smacked him in the head with a frying pan.

I didn't need for Louis to say that he wanted to be with me forever, I just needed him to not care that she did that, but instead Louis got up, and ran away. Louis completely disappeared, and then reappeared twenty minutes later with two HUGE drinks. In front of my entire staff.

And to this day, I don't know what was more embarassing about that incident...him running away in the middle of dinner, or him acting ultra conservative during dinner.

After that whole debacle, we hung out once, where he proceeded to act super sexist and super racist, which begs the question, "Blair, what the fuck did you do?"

I texted him, potentially suggesting that I could be kinda sorta friends...with benefits...with this super conservative asshole.

OKAY, you guys, you don't get it- shit has been annoying recently in the world of Blair Bui. Chuck and I are never going to have sex again because he thinks it's morally wrong to sleep with someone who you aren't dating, and Johnny is out being interviewed for residencies for the next MONTH.

ANYWAYS, back to what happened, this is what I got back:

Louis: Haha, omg Blair you can do way better than a hook up buddy! To be honest I'm kind of seeing someone. Otherwise I'd be down for sure. Besides, this semester is so busy I'd hardly be around.

Oh yes, universe.

LOUIS ROMNEY IS SEEING SOMEONE.

Not only has Casey managed to scrounge up a boyfriend, but now even LOUIS has one.

Let Us Begin

 “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa

 

I decided against finishing the Chuck story- because we all know what happened, Chuck and I ended up spending the night together, and there was a chance that we would get back together and whatnot...and we snuck around together even though we had no idea what was going to happen or where we were at.

And then, last night, after yelling at each other, crying and talking, the story of Chuck and Blair has finally ended, as we are officially not getting back together. I thought that I would have been devastated in the following days, but I am alright. I think it was the closure that I finally needed to move on with my life- when I woke up today, the sun shone a bit brighter, and my mind was clearer than it had been in a long, long time. I am never going to forget the time that Chuck and I shared- the things he made me feel and the way I felt about him. I'll forever cherish these memories that we  have, all the times he held my hand or kissed me, when he held me when I was sad, and all the late night laughter and 3 am dreaming we did. And even though our relationship was very special, I believe that our friendship will even be more special.

It is a new day, a new beginning, and a new stage of my life. And all I had to do to begin it, was finally let the past go.

That story of Chuck and Blair is complete, but the book isn't closed, the story hasn't ended. In a way, it has just begun.

Still

“Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
-Blair Waldorf

-

 As we waited for the Lyft, Chuck and I talked, as he so obviously knew that something was bothering me, and I tried to conceal my feelings.

"Come on, I know you, Blair. What's wrong?" he asked, for the millionth time.

"I'm fine," I insisted, for the millionth time. My heart knew what I had to say, but my mind was trying to hide the fact that it was happening.

"What do you think it is?" I asked, as Chuck and I sat there, at another familiar place we had been.

"Well, it could have been something I said, or perhaps something you want to say but can't, or something that you're hiding," he said, as he looked at me.

"I still have feelings for you," my heart whispered, as my body said that I was falling apart, and my mind said, "Blair, pull yourself together."

"Well, I am fine," I remarked, as we waited for the car.

"I would have opened the door for you," Chuck said, as we got into the car. My heart skipped a beat, as I tried to pull myself together.

The rest of the dinner was more of the same, talking about what had been going on with our lives, and a bit of how we fell apart, and my ruse was working, until something had ruined it.

I have songs that remind me of each and every guy that I have dated. When Louis and I were talking about how we were at different points in our lives, Adele's "Hello" played in the background, so I've always associated that song with him.

But as the familiar song played in the restaurant, and Chuck and I stared at each other, my heart beating faster, and my feelings rising to the surface, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started crying, as Chuck looked back at me, with the same face he always had, every time that I have cried in front of him.

As I ran out, everything came out at once, as tears streamed endlessly down my face, and my heart ached so much it hurt.

"Blair, wait!"

As Chuck appeared by my side, I turned away, attempting to hide what was going on.

Great Love

What we have is a great love. It's complicated. Intense. All-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in."
-Blair Waldorf 

-

I don't even know where to begin..

I woke up this morning expecting to be in a blissful state of happiness at the recent events that are happening in my life, but found myself listening to Adele, Sam Smith, and *the* song that reminds me of Chuck most. And I had never, ever, expected myself to be in this place again.

The Art Institute of Chicago is one of my favorite places in the entire world, it is one of my favorite places to go. I can just wander and lose myself, and it's so incredibly easy to do.

I took Chuck there when we had first started dating, and in half an hour the two of us rushed through the entire building, his hand intertwined with mine, as I led him through one of my favorite places, in the entire world.

I felt so much in that half an hour we spent, but most importantly, I felt that I loved Chuck. It was a feeling that had been hovering around me, and I was unsure over what was consuming me. I was scared to acknowledge it, and pushed it away a bit out of fear, but after that night, I realized that I was falling in love with Chuck. This boy was slowly becoming the most important person in my world- whether I was ready or not. It hit me like a huge Seurat- I was falling, and I couldn't stop.

I went with Ted, and it was terrible. The three and a half hours we spent there was agonizing, and I could not stand it. This was one of my favorite places in the entire world- and as I walked around with this buffoon, I quickly realized, "I would be having a much better time without him."

I really would.

But I couldn't just end it, could I?

Wasn't Ted supposed to be everything that I wanted? A knight in shining armor?

My mind was clouded with thoughts, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt like I didn't even know myself anymore, and as I wondered what Blair Waldorf would do, the solution quickly came to my mind.

There was one person, in this entire world who knew me better than I knew myself, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

Chuck and I made plans to meet up, we were going to go for a run together inside the rec center next door to my building.

As I waited for a response, I got one that I would have never imagined in my entire life. Chuck was going to run from his place to mine, From South Campus, to West Campus.

The last time Chuck ran across campus for me was on one of our very first dates. He was on East Campus, and I was on West Campus, waiting for him to show up for our movie date. He had lost track of time, and was quite late- and so, instead of taking the bus like a normal, functioning human, Chuck had ran across campus to meet me.

I immediately thought of this memory, and my heart beat a bit faster, as I scolded my involuntary response.

My heart smiled at this memory, and my mind told it to stop.

"You have feelings for Louis," it reminded me.

As I stood by the track, I saw him walking up the stairs, and the feeling immediately hit me. Heart beating faster, weak knees, brain wanting to scold the rest of my body.

As soon as I saw him, the feeling hit me.

"I think you know what you have to do," Chuck said, as we ran around the track.

"I thought that I had wanted someone to do all of these things for me," I admitted, "But I just want chemistry, fire, I want to be so crazy in love that it hurts sometimes. That even though it might drive me crazy, that I feel something."

The rest of the conversation was a cloudy mess, I remember stating that I thought Louis and I had fire, because I was completely lying. Louis and I did not have fire, Chuck and I did, and as I spent more and more time talking to him, it became so unbelievably obvious. Louis and I might have had a little flame, but Chuck and I had fire.

I laughed, I smiled, and my heart beat unbelievably fast, as I felt something, for the first time, in a long time.

We talked about the break up, about how he didn't mean to handle it the way he did, and how it seemed like it wasn't important because I had dated again so quickly. But most importantly, for the first time, Chuck admitted that it was hard, he told me that he was still adjusting and that I was a year of his life. And everything that he had said, about putting up a facade, and not knowing how to react, it all just made me feel even more.

I had painted Chuck out as this big, bad guy that had broken my heart and tossed me into a ditch, but it wasn't like that. I had tried so hard to forget what the breakup was about, I tried so hard. It wasn't about him not wanting me- it was about him not wanting himself. It was about how he didn't, and couldn't understand himself. It was about how he needed to figure himself out.

As he left for the locker room, and I sat by myself and waited, the same three words kept repeating in my head.

You love Chuck.

I tried to deny it, as I sat there, on the fluorescent blue mat. But it was inevitable, I had felt something. As tears ran down my face, I couldn't deny that it was true. I had thought that I was fine, I had thought that I had moved on, and I had thought that I had survived. But as soon as I saw him, I knew- it wasn't over.

Chuck made me feel something I had never felt, and hadn't felt since we broke up. It's almost indescribable in a way, how I feel about him. It's this force between the two of us that's undeniable, this pull, and this fire. I love him so much that I let him go three months ago, because no matter how much I wanted him to stay, what mattered so much more was that he was happy. He had pulled me in so easily, and effortlessly.

And as much as I had tried to resist, I couldn't.

As he walked up the stairs, I gained my composure, and as he looked at me, I could tell he knew, but neither of us spoke of it.

Irrevocably Crazy

“Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.”
- Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

-

I told Casey what I thought and she told me that if it doesn't work out with Ted, then I need to take a break and work on my self...which I totally don't think is the problem with this whole thing. It's a matter of chemistry actually, and I've never been in this situation where I feel something for both guys, but as I went for my run yesterday, I thought about everything.

It's not like I don't have feelings for Ted, of course I do. Ted Chen is the sweetest, most thoughtful guy in the entire world. He always texts and calls when he's supposed to, he remembers the little things and asks me about my day. He opens doors for me, and is everything that I thought that I would want in the perfect guy. And he is incredibly romantic- knock your socks off romantic. Whenever I get back from a date, my friends swoon over how romantic and incredible he is. And he's hot, of course.

And I do like Ted, it's not like I don't and I'm trying to convince myself, there's just something slightly missing. I like him, in a sweet, smile, make your heart melt sort of way, but there's just no fiery, crazy, confusing force between us. I mean, isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Maybe it's because I've been hesitant, I mean...most girls would be, after what happened with Chuck and Louis.
The force between Louis is something that I cannot explain, but that I have seen only once before, in my entire life. When Serena and I were sixteen, she dated this guy named Jay who was in short, the world's biggest pretentious asshole. Scratch that, he is actually second to Louis. Jay would speak in crappy metaphors and use arrogant euphemisms, he would look at the world though a pair of lens that he himself instilled- redder than rose colored lens. These lens that he viewed the world through made him the most important aspect, and shrunk the rest of the people around us down to the ground. Jay thought that he was hot shit, and even though he was one of the worst guys we know, Serena and him had this intense chemistry that you couldn't deny. Whenever the two of them were together, it seemed like the world would erupt, that the force between them would shatter the world into two pieces.

She couldn't stand Jay, she thought he was absolutely terrible, but she could not deny how he made her feel, and how he made her body feel. The heart beating faster, the weak feeling that slowly hovered over her entire body, and the feeling in her gut that told her that she wanted him, more than anything else, as the voice in her brain telling her to think logically faded away.

And I thought she was irrevocably crazy. I didn't know how she could have feelings for a guy, totally normal feelings, but also have this intense chemistry with Jay. Couldn't she just suppress it?

And then, yesterday, after hanging out with Louis, I realized that she totally couldn't- because I couldn't. There was just something between us, it was there, and I couldn't deny it. But I know that Ted is the right choice, because he is sweet and caring, and I'm still getting to know him.

Blair: I am having a romance-style existential crisis.
Serena: What?
B: I'm attracted to Louis. And I like Ted of course! I just can't deny that there's a total attraction between us. Even though I fucking can't stand him.
S: Okay, Louis might be a babe... but he's a moron.
B: I know but there's this crazy attraction, like a fire burning flame. Like the shit between you and Jay!
S: Let me remind you. But then when you step back and realize that they're idiots. They might have crazy chemistry with you but they're idiots and you're gonna wanna kill them when you're not sucking face. Louis is who you keep for a fuck buddy.
B: I KNOW, but the chemistry! The fire. I'm obviously going to stay with AJ but holy shit...the fire.
S: But don't date Louis because you'll probably end up murdering him and throwing him into the river.
B: It annoys me because he's so goddamn annoying. And going to jail is not part of my plan!
S: No it is not, and especially not for some fool ass nigga.
B: BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN RIGHT???
S: Yessss
B: You can't stand them but there's this fiery intense force. Oh my god whenever I'm around him I can feel it.
S: Maybe you need to fuck him to get it out of your system.

My jaw dropped. HOLY FUCK this took a crazy turn. I couldn't sleep with Louis- I think it would emotionally tear me apart, and also be super unfair to Ted.

B: FUCK LOUIS?
S: Like the itch you can't scratch!
B: But what about Ted?
S: But you must scratch it. Have you made it exclusive or official with Ted? If you haven't you're still a single woman, and single women can do whatever the fuck they want. But if you've had the talk with Ted...yeah no.
B: NOPE.
S: WELL.
B: But it's not fair to Ted!
S: Hmmmm true. But how do you know he's still not talking to people?
B: SERENA IMAGINE IF YOU FUCKED JAY.
S: I CAN'T I HAVE BOYFRIEND. Plus I don't want a hole in my body. I would need stitches- no good.

The two of us talked endlessly, and caught up- which actually was exactly what I needed. I knew that what I needed to do was more clear- I just needed to stay with Ted, and open myself up a little more. But it wasn't a bad idea to have a second opinion, right?

Audrey: In the end it's not worth it. You'll eventually grow tired...at least I did. Because I want to win in every situation.
Blair: Okay, I'll stick to Ted like I was planning.
A: Yeah, that would be best.
B: He's a good guy.
A: I know he is...I can tell that he was raised by caring parents.
B: Don't say anything, but I hung out with Louis yesterday. And I couldn't deny that there was chemistry- but I would never choose him. Because I would throw him off of the top of our apartment building. His annoying old ass.
A: Dude I know what you mean...so I think Louis is more of  a chase... you might just be infatuated with him but practically Ted is more compatible for you. It's like a 'you want what you can't have' kind of thing. Ted is too available and obsessed with you, so it gets boring. And Louis is the opposite so you have to work for it.

I called her, and we talked for hours about this. And ultimately, I knew what I had to do.

Delightfully Chaotic

"She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure."
-Steve Maraboli

-

As things get more and more serious with Ted, I have this nervous feeling that there's something wrong with me. You know, except for the whole unabashedly sassy thing. And the whole terrible expressing how I feel thing. And you know, all the romantic entanglements that I've found myself in. I feel like I'm an absolute mess, but then, the universe tells me that it's okay- because I've only been seeing Ted for a bit over a week.

I've been thinking about Chuck too, not in a crazy obsessive ex way, but in a curious kind of way. He's so incredibly cryptic and mysterious that I have no idea how he is, but truthfully, I hope he's okay. I know that most people who get thrown into a ditch by their ex boyfriends normally laugh, say, "FUCK HIM," and never think of him again, but I can't help but wonder. I've moved on with my life, and of course, I crawled out of the hole he threw me in, and pulled myself together, but I would hate for him to be a mess. I genuinely would. I think it's because of his fragile psychological state, and everything that's been going on with him, but I want him to survive, just like I did.

I used to wonder if I would ever love someone as much as I loved Chuck, but then I realized that there is (and also, that he is definitely not Chuck Cuevas), I just don't know if it's Ted.

In dating Ted, I have been extremely calm, and very chill. And any other girl in my situation would very much have no chill. They would be jumping off the walls, swooning over the romantic gestures and having their heart melt into cellular sludge.

Whenever Casey talks about Wally, her eyes get wide and they shine a little brighter, you can tell that her heart is beating faster and faster, and her face lights up as if she's seen the most amazing thing in the world. She laughs and she smiles, and her cheeks get involuntarily rosy. And she is just so incredibly happy. And I remember when I would get that happy.

The last time I ever got that happy was with Louis, the last time I involuntarily smiled and laughed and giggled embarrassingly. The last time my heart beat that fast and I smiled that much, and the last time that I felt like my heart could someday love again, after the tragic break up that Chuck and I went through. I know that Louis is cocky, and terrible, but there was just something about him, that made my heart beat faster and made me believe in love. And I genuinely saw potential in him, potential that I'm not one hundred percent sure that I could see in Ted.

There's just something about Louis, this feeling that I can't explain that comes out whenever the two of us are together. A fire that burns, a force between us that overwhelms me, but it's something that I cannot deny is there. I felt it the other day when the two of us went to buy alcohol, and I felt it today when the two of us were working on homework together.

It's totally irrational, totally crazy, and totally insane. And I kinda, sorta love it.

It's this fiery, crazy, confusing force between us and it's something I haven't felt- and it's not like I don't feel something for Ted, it's just that the feelings I have for Ted and the feelings I have for Louis are completely different.

And it's one hundred percent tearing me apart.

I'm never like this, I'm never this insane and chaotic. So I have no idea why this is happening or why I feel like this. And it's totally freaking me out.