“Let me love you, but don't love me back. Do love me and let me hate you for a while. Let me feel like I have some control, because I know I never do. ”
-Ann Brashares
Potential re-name for my blog: Confessions of a twenty year old who has no idea what the actual fuck she is doing.
This morning, I spent my half an hour before work holding a coffee black as my soul, walking through the wind, with last night's makeup and Saturday night's hair. My smoking slippers slammed against the pavement, as I was not pleased.
That was an understatement, I was fucking pissed.
You see, this all stems back to Sunday, when I woke up and realized that Rafael had completely gone M.I.A. He had left to go partying in Champaign for the weekend, and I was not taking being ignored very well...as a matter of fact, I was taking it terribly. And it would be normal for a young lady in my situation to take it terribly—because of the fact that I let Rafael prematurely bang me, I had let him enter my secret garden, although he was completely undeserving.
I was feeling vulnerable, ashamed, and sad. If I missed my period and found out that I was pregnant, I would not know who the father was. I would have an extreme Mamma Mia situation on my hands, as I have had relations with Louis Romney, Johnny Belcher, the stupid Architect, Chuck, and Rafael in the span of a month.
Holy fuck, Blair.
I just sat at my computer for a moment in shock.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
I did not realize this was a thing. This was not the point of this post, and I have gone so completely off topic.
ANYWAYS, Chuck and I ended up hanging out yesterday, GrubHub had spontaneously sent me a $10 promo code, and Chuck had used it to his advantage.
Blair: Maybe it's their way of saying "you're not a slut, you're bombtastic."
Chuck: Yea probably! Do you have a lot of work to do?
B: Why do you ask?
Was Chuck Cuevas asking me to hang out? Chuck had never asked anyone to hang out, he was a social hermit- any times I had seen him recently were when I went to hang out with Yael, and kind of showed up at his apartment. Or when we both spontaneously, but very rarely, both had time.
C: Cuz if I remember correctly you still owe me some delivery and I need to eat so it's a win-win. We can share as long as we are productive.
The two of us had hung out, it was the usual kind of Chuck and Blair hang out, I had subtly flirted with him, in a non harmful way, we had laughed and made jabs each other, non-threatening but still a little painful to receive, We were at a weird, unexplainable place, we were best friends, but also still exes, even though I tried to mask things with a friendly facade, I could still feel a small flame.
“in a world full of temporary things you are a perpetual feeling.”
― Sanober Khan
Sometimes I can't feel it that much, sometimes it burns so much that it burns me in the process, but it's there. It's this feeling that's there, it's inexplicable and crazy, but it's there. It makes me wonder if I'll ever love someone more than I love Chuck, and it makes me wonder what he's thinking when we're together. Even though we change and everything changes around us, it's still there. It's not a huge driving force that makes me want to get back with Chuck (plus, I know, far, far better than to), but it's a small force between us, reminding me of fonder times and that I am one of the lucky few to feel love, although it is crazy and mad.
It's one of my biggest secrets, and even though I have moved on, and I am living my life, this feeling is just going to be around, sometimes I feel like forever. Chuck knows it; I know it.
It was a usual kind of night, we did homework, I freaked out about my life a bit, had a mini meltdown, Chuck swore about his code, and so forth.
"I'm so annoyed with you sometimes," I said, when we were talking about how his sister and her boyfriend were still together. "I thought we were legit, Chuck, I claimed an email and everything."
"WAIT, WHAT?" Chuck turned to face me, his mouth immediately turning into a cheeky grin, and nearly dropping his notebook in the process.
"Shut up, it's embarassing," I said, hiding under a blanket.
"What did you claim?"
I shook my head.
"C'mon, you have to tell me," he said, nudging me.
"UGH, I claimed... Blair Cuevas at Gmail dot com." I said; as he smiled even more.
"I actually think that's really cute, actually."
"Not really, because it's a sign of a failed relationship, and what if someone else needs Blair Cuevas at Gmail dot com?"
"Then they'll have to add numbers!"
As he typed his report, I sat down in the chair next to him, with his blanket wrapped around my body, gently placing my head on his shoulder.
"I don't know why you're trying to smell me, I think I smell pretty bad, cause I haven't showered," Chuck said. I laughed, and kissed his shoulder.
"You little ass, I'm just putting my head on your shoulder all cute like. What are you working on?"
"My weekly report," he looked at the screen, and read out loud, "Did you have any exciting plans this week?" He turned and looked at me. "Did I have any exciting plans this week?"
"I'd be like, 'My ex-girlfriend showed up drunk off of Baja Smash on Thursday night, and she showed up again on Sunday to kick it."
"Oh really? I'm sure that's what they wanna hear about," Chuck said, laughing.
I picked up his phone, and played around with the screen for it, my left pointer finger gliding around the screen.
"I wonder if I still know the passcode, I've completely forgotten," I said, as I perfectly and effortlessly unlocked the screen. "Oops."
Chuck took it from me, and pulled open the photos, opening an album.
"In case you were wondering if I had them still." It was an album he made when we started dating, it had almost every picture we have ever taken together, since the matriculation of the relationship between us. It was sweet that he still had them, and to be completely honest, I was glad that he still did. It made me happy, truthfully. It seemed like that Chuck and Blair were forever ago, but it was honestly a year, 365 days, and in that time, so much had changed.
"I can't believe you saved all these." I opened my camera roll, I only had six photos of us saved, and Chuck's expression told me he seemed a little hurt.
I opened my Dropbox app. "I have so many pictures that they took up a lot of space, so they're saved here," I admitted, smiling.
We went through a bunch of times.
"The time we went to go see the tightrope guy in downtown Chicago."
"The time I was so stressed during finals week that you took me on that spontaneous date."
"The time that we had to video chat over winter break."
"The time we went to Seven Treasures."
Chuck and I looked through the pictures, and laughed endlessly, it was nice to think about all the nice things that had happened.
"Do you want to grab food now? Do you want to go to bed late or go to bed early and wake up early?"
"Le'ts go to bed early!"
As we stood in front of the busy food stand, Chuck asked me what I was getting, and then turned, and looked at me. "Do you uh, want me to say your order or do you want to say it?" I knew exactly what he was asking, he wanted to know if I wanted him to pay.
On one of our very first dates, Chuck was too nervous to pay, we went to get late night cupcakes spontaneously. He just looked at me in front of the machine, and awkwardly said, "We're paying for our own cupcakes."
I know, savage AF.
So, as the irritated cashiers looked at us, I said, "I don't care."
"Okay, then you can get your food, you go first."
As he got into bed, and wrapped his arms around me, we talked, and we talked for a while until Chuck told me that we should be heading for bed. He was always the responsible one.
I laid restlessly, until I turned to face him.
"Chuck, do you ever think about the moments that pass you by?"
"What do you mean?" We were nose to nose, chest to chest.
"The moments when you could've done something, could've said something...but you didn't, and you let the moment pass you by," I whispered.
"I try not to," Chuck admitted, as I looked up at him.
"Why?"
"Because I've made my choices, and I can't move forward if I'm thinking about missed chances in the past."
"You can still move forward even if you think about the moments that pass you by," I whispered. We looked at each other silently for a moment, as if we were in a silent understanding. I turned back the other way, and I swear, I heard Chuck say something.
I turned back to face Chuck, as he leaned in, and kissed me on the cheek.
"Good night, Blair."
"There's such a difference between us, and a million miles"
-Adele
"Blair, wake up, it's 7:20." Chuck said, from his laptop. I was so incredibly comfy under the covers.
We had a small exchange, nothing memorable, especially after what happened next.
"You can go back to your place, I have things I have to do this morning," Chuck said, looking at me, as if I was a one night stand, a random. And I just didn't know what to say.
I just remember saying that I said I'd leave, and then packing up my things in silence, both of us pretending that nothing even happened. I came back after I left, to make sure nothing was left behind, but we didn't really talk. That was it, Chuck had kicked me out, like a cheap one night stand.
And that's how I found myself, holding a coffee black as my soul, walking through the wind, with last night's makeup and Saturday night's hair.
No comments:
Post a Comment