"If you go back with an uncertain heart, there will be drama and disaster for all."
-Blair Waldorf
-
"OH MY GOD BLAIR," Janet said, laughing uncontrollably, as she shoved a turtle in her mouth. Janet was the Vice President of Operations for a partner organization at my work, and also my co-worker. See, it's not just all my readers that love hearing about my ridiculously terrible dating life, it's people in my everyday life. She held her hands over her mouth, and continued to laugh uncontrollably.
"Holy shit Blair, I can't believe you said that to him. That's probably the worst thing you could have said!"
-
"Holy crap, Blair, you are a terrible person. This poor guy," Peter said, shaking his head. He worked for the facilities at the hospitality house that I worked at. "This poor awkward guy that worked at Fannie May."
-
Kayresia looked at me, her jaw nearly dropping to the ground, cracking the tile beneath us. "What the hell, Blair?"
-
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Leonard said, laughing, as I told him the story. "YOU SAID THAT TO NASH?"
I bowed my head down a little in shame. "It's just- I panicked- and I had no idea what to do, and I normally text-reject people, and it's just...I had never rejected someone in person before! And he was just so awkward and just so into me... fuck, I'm awkward."
-
As I started to panic internally, and Nash got closer and closer, my mind must have been clouded, because I have no idea how these words came out of my mouth. Out of all the things I could have said, out of all the combinations of words that could have came out of my mouth, this is somehow, what I chose to say in this particular scenario, in my moment of completely panicking and losing my shit.
I am terrible.
As he got closer, I let out a yelp, and mumbled for a second, so it came out a little bit like this: "ER....Nash." I scooted a little bit further, "I'll still get candy if we're just friends....right?" I awkwardly smiled at the end, as if I had not said the worst thing I could have possibly said at that moment.
The sun was setting, and I could feel everyone at the beach slowly turn and look at us, as Nash looked at me, looking quite confused and highly angry.
"So you don't want this to be a date?" Nash asked, through clenched teeth. He looked mad, and it looked like he was about to go full Johnson Baker on my ass. Johnson Baker is probably a name that will go down in infamy for this blog...although we never really dated, the preposterous-ness and pretentiousness he had is something that will never be forgotten.
"No, I don't," I said, attempting from saying anything else terrible, "There's just something missing. I'm sorry."
He looked at me, nodding, although he definitely wasn't understanding what I was saying. "Something missing?"
I had a gut feeling that this was going to be a Johnson Baker situation.
"Yes, sparks, chemistry, fire, attraction." I responded.
"Blair, I just..."
Oh, fuck.
"I think there could be something really great between the two of us, I'm not going to be that guy that asks for a second chance or anything, but I really think you could grow to like me," Nash said.
I stared at him, blankly, resisting the urge to full on sprint awkwardly away. I know this is going to sound terrible, but I'm not that type of person that grows to feel sparks, I just feel them right off the bat. I did with Chuck, I did with Haz (my first college boyfriend), I did with Louis Romney and Rafael Mancilla and I've been lucky to feel those sparks. And sure, there's been plenty of nice(ish) guys out there that I didn't feel anything for, but they don't call it one in a million for nothing.
"I just-"
"You're the type of person that feels it right off the bat." He looked at me, and then quietly said, "And there's someone else."
"Okay, listen," I said, half talking to myself, and half talking to him, "Some people don't end up with the love of their lives. It happens, life happens. And sometimes you fall madly in love with someone that it makes you feel so strongly, and it makes your heart so much that you could fall apart. You love them so much that you can't imagine a life without them, and you just... you just aren't meant to feel that much or feel that strongly. So you don't end up with the love of your life." The wind blew softly, as the silence between the two of us became more prevalent.
"You know, sometimes you have to leave that behind and try to move forward-"
And even though I knew he was only saying that because he wanted me to move forward, I turned to him, and resisted the urge to push him off the goddamn bench.
"I HAVE," I said, defensively, "And it's not like I haven't felt sparks for people after him, I have... it's just no matter how much I try to run away or how much I try to ignore things-"
"You guys always find a way."
"Yeah. And I promise, I'm not that great, I'm really neurotic and crazy, I'm kind of a bitch, and I ramble a lot, and I'm... I'm really not that great!"
Nash looked at me, blankly.
"And he's really not that great, he's really immature, probably a sociopath, he handles stress terribly, and he himself is really awkward and I always wonder how I ever ended up with him, and-"
"But he's the one," Nash responded, awkwardly. "You know, this is the third time that this has happened to me."
I looked at him, trying not to audibly laugh. "I'm really sorry, that stinks."
"Well, I still think that we should give it another try," Nash said, "I'm not trying to be that guy that asks for a second chance-"
BUT HE WAS. I looked at him, daggers and all. He was being that guy, he was being that guy who completely ignored what had transpired between the two of us, and could not get over the fact that I did not want to date him!
Why was it such a common fucking trope in my love life for guys to ask for a second chance?
To be completely honest, I wasn't even completely saying that I even wanted to get back with Chuck's whack ass, I kind of just went along with it because it was making him go away! Chuck.. I'm just so unsure about him and so uncertain that I don't even want to consider him as an option.
"In letting go and moving on you might find-"
Yeah, in letting go of Chuck's whack ass and moving on with someone that is not you, Nash.
"Yeah, with someone else. I just don't feel anything romantic with you. I'm sorry." I repeated myself, once again, feeling like I was dealing with another man child. Why couldn't he just get it through his thick skull that I never wanted to see him again? This wasn't how relationships and life worked...I wasn't just going to wake up one morning wanting the Fannie May Nash D.
"I don't think-"
"You never know, it could be something really great," Nash said, not pausing for a breath.
Now, I don't really know what happened next, or I may have suppressed that part of my memory, but whatever I said or whatever look I gave him, Nash looked straight at me, and moved away for a second, before saying, "What about this? We'll just be friends, and hang out on Tuesday like planned..."
I did not like the sound of this.
"Nash, listen, this makes me nervous and anxious and awkward, because when I'm not-"
"See, and there won't be any pressure or anything because we'll just be hanging out as friends!" Nash looked at me, expectantly, as I sat there, contemplating if he could catch up to me, if I ran away.
"Okay.. I guess."
Nash insisted on walking me home, which made things increasingly awkward. As soon as I saw Leonard, I dashed right to him, said good bye to Nash, and then the two of us left.
-
Leonard looked at me, as we sat in Portillo's, fully processing the entire story that I told him, as I dipped some more fries in cheese sauce.
"You guys are going to get back together," he said, "You and your ex that is."
I shook my head. "Hell fucking no."
"I mean, think about it- he's loyal because he hasn't dated anyone but you, even after you guys broke up. He understands his faults and is fully aware of them, and is working on fixing them. He's been there for you, and he obviously really cares about me."
I let out a little chuckle at the thought of Chuck Cuevas caring about anything except for his laminar flow hood thing.
"He comes back and from what you told me, you two were talking."
"KIND OF TALKING," I said, correcting him. Sure, Chuck and I had texted once in a while here and there, but there was nothing worth fighting for, because to be completely honest, Chuck was in his own sort of denial, where he didn't show the tiniest bit of attraction or affection.
"I mean, we internationally sexted kind of sort of last week, but not really- but you can't build a relationship on uncertainty!" I responded, grabbing another fry.
"AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS LET ME GO ON A DATE WITH NASH."
"Okay, Blair, I didn't want to ruin his chances, I just wanted to be nice! And you ended up finding out for yourself that he's awkward as hell."
-
At the end of the night, I said good bye to Leonard, got in my Uber, and closed the door. The two of us were planning on hanging out later that week, and this night had ended up better than I thought it would. I ended up walking into that store on that day to meet a great guy- not Nash, but Leonard.
"How was your night?" The Uber driver asked me, in a thick African accent. He smiled at me, in a knowing kind of way.
"It was alright, I went on a date with a guy... I didn't like him."
"Why not?" He asked, curiously, as he made a turn on Ohio Street. I pulled one of the chocolates out of the bag that Leonard handed me, and took a bite.
"We just didn't have sparks or chemistry, or magic... he was a nice guy, but just... not what I'm looking for."
"And what are you looking for, young lady?"
I paused for a moment, and thought about it. What exactly was I looking for?
"Well," I paused, "I'm looking for someone who is well educated, intelligent, funny, sweet, caring, thoughtful, considerate- a great conversationalist with a great sense of humor."
The Uber driver smiled at me, and nodded. "This is what I have for you- love doesn't happen when you force it, it happens when you least expect it. It happens when you don't think it will- and these are the relationships that last. So go out with your friends, it's summer, go to parties, concerts, festivals, and it'll happen when it's right." He turned, and faced me, giving me a kind smile. "A beautiful young woman like you will definitely find love."
And as he pulled up to the curb to pick someone else up, he turned on the radio, and Hello by Adele started playing, instantly reminding me of the last time I heard that song.***
***January 18th, 2016, the first time that Chuck and I almost got back together.
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