“It's hard to believe in coincidence, but it's even harder to believe in anything else.” 

-John Green

-

There is a universal law that whenever there is a guy you don't want to see, they will magically appear, and another that if there's a guy you really want to see- you won't. It's a well known fact, and probably one of the most frustrating things in the entire world.

-

"Yeah but insurance doesn't work that way," Kayresia said, as the two of us walked past the apartment mailboxes. I heard footsteps, and I had a weird gut feeling inside of me. I turned around, to see old ass Romney staring back at me, vneck sweater and all.

"Hello Blair," he said, smiling at me.

Why the fuck was he smiling me? As far as I knew, I had never wanted to see him again, for a variety of different reasons. It wasn't just that he embarrassed me two months ago at my staff holiday party by being a pompous asshole and running away, or that he made me basically un-dateable for every first year medical student. It wasn't even that when I had my first kiss with Tinder Guy #3 that Romney had seen us (seriously, it really isn't, I dumped TG #3, remember?). It was that I couldn't stand him!

Regina and Casey had made an effort to be extra antagonistic to him, and for good reason too! If any of my friends were involved with a nearly thirty fuck boy, I would be purposely bitchy to him too!

"Hi." I said, looking over at Kayresia. She looked back at me, clearly amused by this.

Louis then walked around us, and turned to Kayresia. "Hi Kayresia," he said, as he scurried off like a sewer rat. My eyes narrowed to little slits, as I gave him a death stare, as he walked off.

"Of course we would run into him," I said, as I took another deep glug of black coffee.

"Of course Blair, you always run into people you don't want to run into," Kayresia laughed.

-

As I walked out of the student center, I saw a familiar figure heading towards me. That stupid fucking Guess grey leather jacket. That jacket used to be one of my favorite things in the entire world, the first time I ever saw it was when Chuck and I went on one of the most magical dates of my entire life (no more detail on that later, that is the past), but now I felt like it was taunting me.

"Hey!" Chuck said, with a smile.

I looked at him, and quickly walked away. "Hey." I said, coldly, not even making a face.

I didn't even look back to see if he was surprised, but I had a feeling that he was after what had happened between us.

-

The Thursday before, Chuck asked me to come over to help him with his personal statement for his internship; the two of us had stayed up until three in the morning, and then woken up again at seven am to work on it. I was there for him, just like I always was. Before I had left to go over to his place, though, Kayresia, Casey, and Regina had all told me the same thing- not to tell Chuck that I fucked Zayn. For whatever, reason, they thought he was going to knock out Zayn, and care that we fucked. And I thought he wouldn't.

And guess what?

He didn't. Chuck never cared, he wasn't like some other ex boyfriend, harboring feelings or feeling some kind of way after the break up. If he had, we would've gotten back together by now.

I'm not going to lie, Chuck and I definitely slept together, a couple, multiple times. And as I walked through campus on that Friday afternoon, Yael had stopped me.

"Hey, are you on break from class?" Yael asked, curiously.

"Kind of. Not really. I spent the night at Chuck's place," I said, hiding behind my infinity scarf.

"I know, Blair," Yael said, looking at me. I stared at him, blankly. Was I giving off a sex smell or something?

"You have hella bed head right now," Yael added, laughing.

"Shut up, it's not that bad!"

As we walked and caught up with everything that happened, Yael turned to look at me. "You guys need to get back together," he said, adamantly.

"Wait, what?" I said, my jaw nearly dropping to the ground. Sure, Chuck and I were friends, but it was a well known fact that the two of us were not getting back together. Chuck wanted to be alone, he wanted to be completely alone. and he got what he wanted. He doesn't want to be with me, and there's some guy out there who does.

"You guys are acting like little kids, just stop it and get back together," Yael said. I gave him a look, and shook my head.

"No. We aren't."

"Blair, we all know that you and Chuck are going to get back together."

The two of us had plans to hang out that night, and as eight drew closer, I texted him.

And then he texted back, pushing it back.

And then, two hours later, he cancelled on me. Even though I had so much going on in my life, and I told him that I needed to talk. He cancelled, when he knew how important it was for me, and that I needed him to be there for me, like I had been there for him Thursday night. And of course, he said that something comes up, because something always came up, Whether as friends, or as lovers, Chuck never made me a priority. And that feeling told me everything that I needed to know.

-

I hadn't talked to him in days, and I was planning on not speaking to him, when he just magically showed up on campus.

"Of course I run into him, I can run into two ex boyfriends, but Rafael won't even text me back," I thought to myself.

I had gotten excited that weekend, because Rafael had texted me. And somehow, I misinterpreted him being a fuckboy, as genuine interest. There was just something about this stupid guy that made my brain temporarily stop functioning, something about him that bothered me- in the most annoyingly good way possible. He was annoying, and stupid, and he knew exactly how to mess with my mind.

Lackluster

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." 

- Billy Joel

-

Zayn: Look, I get it. It was weird. I'm really sorry that it happened and frankly I'm embarrassed and already have been feeling like shit about it since you left. It honestly makes me feel like less of a man. I get it if you want to not see each other and if you need space, but I would like to just move past this and just go back to being friends. I value our friendship a lot and I know things have been difficult for you recently and I don't want you to have to go through it alone. If you still doing want to see me, that's fine just let me know and I'll leave you alone. Also if there's something else that's bothering you about it or you feel like it would be good for us to talk about it, let me know. I'll make time

The text had been the big white elephant in my life, and I didn't know how to politely say, "I never want to see you again, because that was fucking weird," in the nicest way possible. I smoothed my pencil skirt, and checked my outfit once more. My boss ass bitch curls from yesterday (rock-it waves, courtesy of my hairdresser Liz) had mellowed down into loose, casual waves, my pencil skirt and black blazer perfectly hid the atrocious Burger King-style work polos that my boss wanted everyone to wear at the VIP event, and my grey suede wedges clicked perfectly on the ground. I was going to get my groove back.

As Kayresia and Casey worked their stations, and the event unfolded effortlessly, I felt perfectly happy, and perfectly fine.

"Are you feeling better?" Casey asked, as I sat down next to the booth.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

"Why were you so sad?" She asked, as I pulled out my anally organized clipboard with names and notes scratched everywhere.

"I made a poor life decision and it left me feeling some kind of way," I sighed.

"Who did you fuck?"

-

As I walked through the room, I somehow got sucked into a conversation with this chatty older woman- she was in her early fifties, but she had the enthusiasm of a three year old. She kept yammering on and on, as I awkwardly looked at Casey and Kayresia for a bit of help.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked, expectantly. She looked up at me, as if she was a puppy at PetCo and I was a little kid.

"Um, no."

"SO YOU'RE SINGLE?" Her eyes lip up, as she whipped her phone out. I looked over at my coworkers, who were absolutely snickering at the current situation. Awesome. First, I bring a date to our staff holiday party that runs away, and now at our VIP event, someone tries to set me up with a random.

The rest of the conversation was a blur, up until..

"Oh my god, you're so cute! I have to get your contact information" she said, as she scribbled down her name and email.

"Okay, I'll be sure to call you," I said politely, as I looked over at my friends for help. Casey and Kayresia were so, so dead. Not only did this lady ask for a picture with me, but she genuinely thought that I was going to go on a date, that she and her friend were going to chaperone. As if!

She left the room, and I walked up to Kayresia and Casey.

"You guys are dead to me."

-

A fun fact about me and my friends is that we are in Target more than necessary- it's a habit that started when we all became a squad....basically when Chuck and I had broken up. It's embarrassing to admit, but I was that girl who disappeared into a urethra when Chuck and I were dating. And as I searched high and low for Starburst jellybeans, Kayresia stopped.

"Blair, just tell me who you fucked," she said, bluntly.

"I fucked...," I hesitated for a moment, and then took a deep breath, "I fucked-"

She looked at me, expectantly.

"I FUCKED ZAYN AND IT'S SO EMBARASSING AND HUMILIATING AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT AND I FEEL SO FUCKING ASHAMED." It all came out, all at once, like word vomit, and as I nearly felt like blowing chunks, Kayresia looked at me.

"So? He's not that bad, he's a nice guy."

"YEAH BUT HIS DICK WAS SMALL AND IT WAS WEIRD AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I JUST, I CAN'T KAYRESIA. WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS SEX I WANT TO BLOW CHUNKS."

"Okay, listen, we all have that person that we regret sleeping with. And it's fine, shit happens. And yours is obviously Zayn. but don't feel bad. Shit happens." And just like that, she kept walking, and put a load of bread into our cart.

-

"Okay, so who did you fuck?" Casey said, as she grabbed some more Starburst jellybeans.

"The worst possible pers-"

"Rafael."

"No."

"Romney?"

"NO. Way worse."

"Ted."

"WORSER."

"Who could be worser than Ted....CHUCK?!" She put a hand over her mouth, in shock.

"No, and Chuck and I have had sex plenty of times since we broke up," I said, nonchalantly, as I picked out a single hunter green bean from the bag. "It's no biggie."

"YOU HAVE?!"

"Yes, Casey, we almost got back together at one point." Casey looked at me, in shock, as if I was telling her that I had shoved a twelve foot pole up her father's ass.

"You missed a lot when you got a boyfriend and disappeared," I laughed, as I picked out a blood red bean.

"Worse than Ted, not many guys are worse than Ted...not Chuck...YOU FUCKED ZAYN."

Casey turned and looked at me, in complete shock. It took a couple minutes of her freaking out, until we returned to somewhat normalcy.

"You know, out of all the guys you've dated after Chuck, they've all been a lot hotter and a lot better. The only reason that Zayn is under Chuck is because you said that Chuck was amazing at sex."

"Savage AF,"I laughed, "But now I am completely repulsed and completely disgusted by sex."

"Just fuck Chuck, and you'll get over it," Casey suggested. "Was that the worst advice you've gotten?"

"No, the worst was when Regina just laughed at Zayn's use of the word lackluster."

#RIPBlairAndRafael2016

“What's meant to be will always find a way”
-Trisha Yearwood

-

"So wait, you FIST BUMPED him goodbye? Your life is literally like a romantic comedy," Serena said, as I laid on my bed and recounted all the events of the day. I was still feeling pretty ashamed and pretty embarrassed that I had a one night stand with Zayn. OKAY, you know what? This wasn't even a one night stand, because we are supposed to be friends and everything, this is a bombtastic disaster.

It was literally the worst sexual experience, and the worst part about it was that I tried to LIE about it. I tried to pretend that it was enjoyable because Zayn hadn't fucked anyone in five and a half years, but it was weird and awkward. Ugh.

I was repulsed with myself, and I had decided to completely avoid Zayn for the rest of my life. Things were so awkward between the two of us that he APOLOGIZED for the "lackluster performance." And on my side of things, I wanted to blow chunks when I remembered that I had fucked Zayn. Just the thought completely grossed me out.

"Maybe you're supposed to feel ashamed, because it happens to everyone at least once!" Serena added. "It'll be totally fine, Blair."

"Except that he asked me if I was avoiding him..."

"Blair.."

"WHAT? I said I wasn't!" I did.

-

Earlier that day, Zayn wanted to stop by to grab a charger, and although I never wanted to see him again (at least for a couple days), I said it was fine. And then I proceeded to run and hide in the bathroom and have Regina give it to him.

"Regina, I need to be awkward and avoid him for a couple days!" I said, defending myself. "Okay, I'll be a better person next week or something, but today I'm going to hide from him and be awkward AF, because that was a terrible and awkward sexual experience and now I feel AWKWARD AND ASHAMED."

"Babe, everyone makes mistakes," Regina said.

"I know, and now I'm running from mine!" I responded, as I ran to the bathroom to hide.

Zayn: At the risk of sounding paranoid, are you trying to avoid me?

I stared at my phone, blankly.

Blair: No.

-

"THAT'S ALL YOU SAID?!" Serena yelled, as I told her everything that happened. "Oh my god Blair, oh my god. You fuck Chuck's boss, and it's so awkward that you fist bump him good bye and then you hide from him and just...No. NO, that's all you said."

"Yup, and I've been reveling in my feelings all day," I admitted, as I pulled my blanket closer.

"But you don't like him."

"Yeah, but I liked Jake Reagen and I liked Rafael," I admitted, as I pulled an Oreo thin from the pack. "And now that I know that Rafael wasn't trying to ghost me. I feel like I messed up, honestly. We had chemistry- and you know how hard it is for me to have chemistry with someone. Fuck, Serena, I rejected two perfectly nice guys because I didn't feel a spark."

"Yeah, but think of it like this- who knows if Rafael was telling the truth? And yeah, he was hot, but that doesn't mean shit when you remember that he went M.I.A! Maybe there's something there, or maybe this is fate and he was just meant to be a ridiculously amazing one night stand. PLUS- he's like the ultra sexy version of Chuck, imagine how Chuck would feel in group hang outs, with your sexy upgrade walking around."

I laughed, "Serena, you're right, #RIPBlairAndRafael2016."

The End of Rafael

"Looking back, of course, it was irresponsible, mad, forlorn, idiotic, but if you don't take chances then you'll never have a winning hand, and I've no regrets."
-Bernard Cornwell

One of the pettiest things I have ever done in my entire life was covering Johnny's door with lube after he dumped me, and made a total fool out of me. He had gone on and on about how I was this lovesick little puppy, and in my defense, I was actually truthfully. I'll never admit it, but sometimes, the stupidest and craziest things I've done in my life, were in reaction to being hurt.

When Romney got a girlfriend after running away from committing to me, when Rafael never answered my texts and ghosted me, I had done something ridiculously stupid and irresponsible, of the drunk texting sort.

And I hadn't given it any thought, until I had this feeling today, one that told me to find out what actually happened between Rafael and I. What Drunk Blair had actually snapchatted to Rafael on Valentine's Day, and what the truth was. Maybe it was because of the newfound truth bombs I was dropping everywhere (telling Zayn that we were never fucking again, dumping Tinder Guy #3, etc), but I just wanted to know the truth about Rafael and I. And I know it was a stupid thought, but I also knew that I would wonder what I had sent him, for a little while.

Blair: I want to know what I drunk snapchatted you last Sunday. Like I get it, you wanted to fuck, and you got to fuck, but I'm actually curious.

He read my message, and said nothing. Typical.

Blair: And you can laugh at how stupid I was, I was super stupid.
Rafael: Dude chill. I have no idea what you snapped me. I don't have you on snap so I didn't receive it.

And that was the end of that. I started to take notes, when, suddenly, my phone went off.

Rafael: And yes, you can be mad at me all you want. The funny thing is that I never planned on ignoring you and not hitting you up. I was gonna honor the whole date thing. Why not? But then you send some psycho ass text. And continue to text me shit insulting me. Whatever though, thanks for letting me know I dodged a bullet from the beginning.

And as comebacks came to my mind, I started typing furiously, and then erased everything that I had typed. Yes, he was being hyperbolic and exaggerating what actually happened, and yes, I could have torn him to shreds, but it wasn't about that. I was getting too old for petty bullshit like this. And in my heart, I knew exactly what I needed to do. There was no Willa goading me to do the right thing, like two years ago, I just knew what I had to do. It was part of growing up, and realizing that you can't pull the same petty shit anymore.

Blair: I'm not even mad at you, I'm honestly mad at myself because I was childish AF. Sorry for the overreacting and for the drunk texts, shit happens.

I didn't castrate Rafael, I didn't rip him to shreds, I just took the high route. And maybe eighteen year old Blair would have had a fit if she knew I did this to a fuck boy, but maybe, she would have been impressed at how much she matured. I sat there for a moment after, wondering what could have happened between Rafael and I.

Would we have been a thing? Could we have actually been something?

My heart felt heavy for a moment, as I analyzed all these situations inside of my head. And as much as I wanted to pretend that this was still an option, I knew in my heart that the ending with Rafael had disappeared long ago, when that book closed. But, truthfully, a gut feeling inside of me told me that this wasn't going to be the end.

Oh, Blair

"She is brazen and sure. She's driven, yet wild. Innocent, yet feisty. Scheming, and frankly, bossy. Imaginative, sassy … and a little bit drunk. Yeah, she'll probably blame it all on that last one." 

-green and yellow

I think the moment I realized that this whole online dating thing was a load of shit was when the third tinder guy kissed me, and I had felt absolutely nothing. My friends had judged me pretty hardcore, Tinder Guy #3 seemed like a pretty great deal- he dressed well, he was conventionally attractive, a first year med school student, AND Louis Romney's rival. It seemed like he was everything that I was supposed to want, kind of like Ted, but in reality, there was just no fire, passion, or chemistry. And even though Tinder Guy #3 thought that I would have ended up in his bed, I actually ended up in Zayn's.

I could go into extreme detail about how it happened, and everything. Or I could just say that we fucked, which is what I'm going to do. I FUCKED ZAYN.

ZAYN, as in Chuck's motherfucking boss, Zayn. Zayn, as in the supervisor for my ex boyfriend, Zayn. That Zayn.

And if it didn't make things any more awkward, it wasn't the world's best sex. I wasn't going to hold it against him- the guy was nervous, and hadn't done anything in like six years, but it was overall, terrible. And I completely lied, because I wasn't some heartless wench! I told him it was pretty good, reinstated that we were friends, and then awkwardly fistbumped him, because I definitely didn't want him to kiss me good bye. I grabbed my polka dotted pixie pants, my chic white blouse, and then walk of shamed my ass back to my apartment.

And as I went on with my life, I couldn't stop and think of how incredibly awkward I felt about this whole thing. I definitely wasn't going to have sex with Zayn again, and I definitely felt totally weird about all of this. Had fucking become such a meaningless thing to me, that I would just YOLO it and fuck Zayn? I definitely got caught up in the moment, but I didn't feel anything. It wasn't like fucking Rafael, or fucking Jake Reagen, or Chuck, it was honestly, nothing. It's just kind of left me feeling really awkward, and kind of like I'm a shit friend.

The rest of the day though..

I woke up, with a new attitude and a newfound happiness. I was going to focus on myself, and be, essentially, a boss ass bitch. I had never been the sad, lonely single friend, but now, that was going to be even more blatantly obvious. I guess, in a way, after all the shitty dates and guy's hearts I've broken, I've learned that I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Boyfriends are easy to find. I'm looking for someone special. It's hard to explain, apparently, since no one seems to get what I'm trying to describe, but I want to have insane chemistry with someone. I want to love someone so much that it hurts, and be absolutely head over heels. I want to feel chemistry, fire, and passion, and I know it exists, because I've felt it before. I've even felt it after Chuck- so I definitely know it exists.

Chuck, Romney, Rafael.

And before that- Haz, Jake Reagen, Sexy Drake.

Wait a fucking second.

Chuck Cuevas- thought he was the love of my life, spontaneously dumped me, kind of expected me to wait for his ass to be ready for a relationship.

Haz Krystal- thought he was the love of my life, spontaneously cheated on me, kind of expected me to wait for his ass to be ready for a relationship.

Louis Romney- thought he was going to be a legit thing, was the first guy I actually had feelings for after my break up with Chuck, and thought he was super handsome and dapper. Spent Winter Break 2016 pining for him. He definitely wasn't serious, and dipped out.

Jake Reagen- thought he was going to be a legit thing, was the first guy I actually had feelings for after my break up with Haz, and thought he was super handsome and dapper. Spent Summer Break 2014 pining for him. He definitely wasn't serious, and dipped out.

OKAY GUYS THAT'S NOT ALL

Rafael Mancilla- actually totally saw potential in him despite his douchieness, he acted super interested in me, we hooked up, and then he ghosted me.

Sexy Drake- actually totally saw potential in him despite his douchieness, he acted super interested in me, we hooked up, and then he ghosted me.

No more casually banging guys, no more Tinder. And as I deleted that stupid flame app icon (SERIOUSLY, TINDER? You started NO flames for me), I was relieved. No more ridiculous guys, no more terrible dates, and no more sex. I want something special, and I want something real, and this isn't how you find it.

And maybe I'm a little bit too much, and maybe I'm ridiculously sassy, too bold, and too blunt. And maybe, I'm picky as fuck and I'm sometimes a little bit messy, but there's this crazy feeling telling me that something amazing is about to happen.

The Day After Valentine's Day

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

-Marilyn Monroe

"What did you text him?" Johnny said, as we stood in the lobby of our building. The poor girl at the front desk just stared at us, enthralled by my story.

"I said, 'Romney, you're an asshole and old and I hate you.' and then, I said, 'I've been day drinking.'" I admitted, as I shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh my god, Blair, holy shit," Johnny laughed. "And what did he say to that?"

"He was like, 'Blair I'm going to have to ask you to stop messaging me.' And I said, 'I understand that I was immature but I was drunk. I'll be polite to you in the building, but I don't really want to be friends with you because you suck.'" Johnny's jaw dropped to the ground, as my answer came out.

"Holy shit."

"So, needless to say, Romney and I are not going to talk to each other anymore."

"Okay, so what about that date?"

"Basically, we met up, he ate 1/3 of his meal, stared awkwardly and waited for me to finish. Then, when I asked him what was next, he responded, 'Back to my place.' I said, 'I don't think so.' And he said, 'Let's just go.' He came off like a fuck boy, and as soon as I got up to leave the restaurant, I texted Casey and Zayn to call me, and get me a way out. Casey called pretending that her boyfriend cheated on her, and for the entire walk home I stayed on the phone with her. And then when we got to his lobby, I was like, 'Fuck! What if he tries to kiss me?' So I called Casey back, and when she didn't pick up, I called Chuck and he pretended to be Casey."

"How did he come off like a fuck boy?" Johnny said, looking at me. He has always thought that I was extremely picky, and I knew this was coming.

"He told me he fucked a sixteen year old when he was twenty two."

Johnny's jaw nearly fell off.

"WHAT?!"

"Johnny, he-"

"He just brought this up? You guys weren't talking about sex or anything?"

I gave him a look. "NO, he told me this story." I proceeded to tell Johnny all of the smarmy details, and he shook his head.

"I'm sorry your date sucked....but mine went really well!"

-

"Wow, why do you keep going on all these weird dates? The only normal date you've told me about is the one where you and that guy had no chemistry and you laughed and went to 7-11," Zayn said, as I sat in his apartment.

"Yeah, I don't really know, Zayn. Why don't you find out and you can tell me. I'm a lonely bitch, and I'm going to eat carbs by myself and watch Netflix, because I am perpetually single." I said, as I looked over at the heels on the floor.

"Oh COME ON, Blair, you've been single for like what, three months?"

I nodded.

"When was the last time you were single- not talking to a guy or ANYTHING?" Zayn asked.

"Last week."

"NOPE, because you gave up on Rafael and met Ezra the exact same day...WHAT!"

We hung out, as in we scrolled through Tinder and laughed, laughed at my OK Cupid messages, and honestly, just hung out. Zayn was a cool guy.

"Aren't you supposed to be in your yoga leggings and comfy right now?" Zayn asked, looking at me.

"I already am," I pulled up my top to reveal the aqua and coral floral print band. "I literally put no effort into this date," I admitted, as Zayn and I laughed. "You know, you're one of the few guys I can hang out with without them trying anything weird."

"But I would try something weird, Blair, the two of us would be in my room, and I'd be like, 'Blair, I'm going to change into something more comfortable,' and I'd come back with like, more clothes on, or like my Batman onsie, and you'd be like, 'Zayn, why are you so weird?'"

I laughed, and smiled. "Yeah, but you wouldn't try anything like, sexual," I said.

Zayn and I had met last year when he was Chuck's supervisor, but we had grown closer in recent months. He was genuinely a good friend, and I was learning more and more about him, since we had become friends.

Saturday and Valentine's Day

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle."
-Marilyn Monroe

On Saturday I woke up on Johnny's couch to an explosion of text messages. Serena, Casey, Audrey, Kayresia, Regina, Zayn, Chuck, Yael, everyone.

I had plans that day to go to Kayresia's birthday dinner, and also to hang out with Audrey. Serena had ended up rescheduling for that Sunday. After shopping with Audrey at Target, and being asked out by a random guy (I had said yes), I decided to go work out before the big dinner. I sported my yoga leggings and favorite pale aqua tank, and headed off to the rec center. And as soon as I walked in, there Johnny was, running on the treadmill.

As we walked on the treadmill, we both talked about our plans.

"So he literally just asked out out in Target?" Johnny said, as he grabbed his water bottle.

"Yup, he came up to me. He's 24, an algorithmic trader, and he lives downtown. And Audrey's boujie ass nearly scared him off, but somehow, it worked out."

"So Target's the place to meet people, huh?" Johnny laughed, as I pulled the band of my leggings up.

"Yup, apparently. We should go, I can be your wing woman."

"That wouldn't work, Blair, people would think that we're dating or something."

"No fucking way, Johnny, you're old and I'm a hot piece of ass." I laughed, pointing at my newly sculpted booty. Johnny and I had dated two years ago, when I was eighteen and when he was twenty six. Back then he had a six pack, and looked young and well, hot. Med school had taken its toll on him, because now Johnny was old, kinda flabby, and acted like his body was falling apart.

"You don't think I could get a young girl?" Johnny asked, a bit offended.

"No, Johnny, because you're past your prime." He was twenty eight, and honestly, when he was twenty six he wasn't necessarily at his prime either. I had seen pictures of him in high school....Johnny used to be hot.

We laughed about what had happened, and he was on his way out. I did my pilates for the day, and as I walked out of the gym, there he was, the asshole-ness oozing out of his pores.

Romney walked in, tight shorts and shirt, and all. His arms were muscular, and you could just sense his abs from under his shirt. Although I couldn't stand Romney, he was hot, and I couldn't pretend otherwise.

"What are you doing here?" Romney asked, laughing. He looked at me, in complete disbelief. Had someone told him that the gym was the safe zone from Blair Bui? Like the green zone?

"I actually go to the gym every day," I responded, snippily. How fucking rude. Just because I lived a sedentary lifestyle before I started going, doesn't mean that I'm out of shape! I left out the detail that I honestly did not go every day- I tried to go every day, but then my body basically fell apart and I decided up having to take a rest week. I was overworking myself.

ANYWAYS,

"Oh really?" Romney asked me, in disbelief. Stupid Hot Romney being hot and stupid.

"REALLY. I run and do pilates," I tooched my booty a bit, as if it were a reflex.

"Are you done with your work out?" Romney asked, curiously.

"Maybe, I'm at the point where I'm deciding if I want to do more." That was a lie, I was at the point where I was going to prove Romney wrong.

"Oh, well I'm about to go do some videos."

"P90X?" I asked, pretending not to know the answer. Romney was such a douche bag about his P90x, I'm pretty sure the mailmain for the zip code in Nebraska knew that Romney did fucking P90x.

"Yeah, you're welcome to join me, if you want."

"Okay," I said, walking with him. He looked at me, in even more disbelief than when I told him that I had worked out every day. "What? You think I can't handle it?"

"They're pretty intense."

We walked a little bit more, before he turned and looked at me. "Actually, I'm going to warm up on the elliptical for a while."

WARM UP ON THE ELLIPTICAL?!? FOR P90X?!

"I kind of had a plan, Blair."

"Well, part of being young and spontaneous is changing your plans for whatever happens."

"We know I'm not either of those things."

"Yeah, but I'm young."

"I think that young implies stupid," Romney said, looking at me.

"Yeah, well I'm young, and we both know I'm not stupid," I said, glaring at him.

"You're younger."

He got up on the elliptical and started working out.

"How's your lady friend?" I asked, politely. I made sure to shoot him a smug, sly, seductive look that said, "you could have had this."

"She's doing well, you know tomorrow's Valentine's day." AKA, he wanted to remind me that I'm a lonely bitch.

"What are your plans?" I asked.

"Flowers, dinner, the usual," Romney responded, cockily. "Just go do whatever, I'll find you after my warm up," he added, emphasizing that the elliptical was his warm up.

I walked away, down the stairs, and straight out the door out of the gym.

-

"SO YOU JUST LEFT HIM IN THE GYM?!" Serena said, nearly dropping her piece of pork into her ramen.

"Okay, so what happened was that I told myself that I'm too old to do petty shit like this anymore, and so I texted him and told him that I had left."

"We have matured so much."

Serena and I had a lovely lunch with her boyfriend, we went to the Vitamin Vault Walgreens, got donuts at Stan's, and we went to my favorite bar.

And then I woke up in my bed, hung over as fuck, at 9 pm. I remember drinking mimosas and Stellas, and having a ridiculous amount of Jell-O shots. Somehow I made it home, and somehow I found a half eaten donut inside my purse.

I checked my phone, to see that Rafael had screenshotted my Snapchat message, and to see a message from Romney.

What the fuck had I done?

Friday Night

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.”
-Marilyn Monroe

 As I walked into Zayn's apartment, he looked at me, slightly laughing at my flustered state.

"I'm going to take my heels off now, and tell you about everything that's been going on."

-

The beginning of this saga starts at a 7-11 a block from Ezra's apartment, after a completely failed date. We had no chemistry, and as he offered to walk me down to the lobby, I pulled my shoes on.

"Uh, it's okay, I can walk myself down," I said awkwardly.

"Are you sure? I mean I can-"

"No, it's fine, I got it." I pulled my boots up higher and got up. "Can I have my coat?"

As Ezra awkwardly walked back with my coat, he stood, held my coat, and looked at me, seriously.

"I don't want to lead you on or anything, but I just don't feel anything romantic, like you're really attractive and nice, but I don't feel anything."

"Good, because I feel the exact same way," I said, flipping my hair a bit. He looked at me as if I had completely broken his confidence, and let's face it, I probably did. He thought that he was this bad ass guy for "rejecting" me, and he didn't- we both weren't into each other.

I stood up, slightly tooching my booty and giving him my best seductive look, "We can still be friends though, of course, I just don't think we'd work out. Our personalities are too different," I said, coyly. I had stolen this break up right from under him.

"You're really nice and-"

"Just stop right there," I said, giving him a look, and interrupting him. "That's the speech you give ugly girls, and we both here are just not interested in each other."

"NO, no, you're really attractive, trust me, you're like super attractive. I don't even know how this happened," he said, gesturing at the two of us.

He took one step closer, "I still think you're really hot though," he said, awkwardly.

Was he really trying to fuck me?

"Well, I think it's time for me to go," I said, as I grabbed my coat and my purse.

"I can call you an uber or something," he suggested.

"It's okay, I got this."

I decided after that terrible date, that snacks were needed. specifically, gelato and flaming hot cheetos with nacho cheese. I called Yael and told him about my terrible date, and Johnny too.

-

I went over to Johnny's apartment after, and after an extremely terrible sexual encounter, we decided that the whole friends with benefits thing is no more, but we still are of course, very good friends.

"Blair, I love talking to you, because every time I do, I think to myself, this girl is going places, and I respect you as a friend, not just as a hot girl," Johnny said, as we sat on his couch.

"That's so sweet, but we are definitely not having sex," I said, as I fell asleep on his couch.

Bananas

"This shit is BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
-Gwen Stefani

I had been texting Ezra, and as I walked to visit Regina at work, I stopped completely in my tracks. Sashaying towards me, was Louis Romney.

"Was he always that short?" I thought to myself, as he walked closer. It was unmistakably him, Republican navy v-neck sweater, slacks, grandpa loafers, and all. Did he ever dress just casually?

He spotted me, said hello, and then turned around, stopping to talk to me. I looked at him, side eye and all, it was only until he was standing right in front of me that I realized that this idiot was holding a fucking banana. A FUCKING BANANA.

"Hey, Blair, how are you?" He asked, as he shoved the banana in his mouth.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

And then suddenly, I remembered something.

"Your friend's cute, set me up with him!" I said, looking at Louis. He looked at me, shocked, and I swear you guys, he nearly choked on that banana chunk in his mouth.

"Who, Muhammad?" Louis laughed awkwardly after that, as I probably made an involuntary bitch face.

"No, the one in your picture!" I took out Facebook on my phone, and showed him.

"OH, you're friends with Jason?"

Could he not understand English, or what?

"No, he's cute."

"OH, so you want me to set you up with him," Louis said, while completely judging me in the process. What did he care? He missed his chance to date me, and his friend was really cute and single.

As we said good bye, he gave me a judgy look, and then walked away.

"Regina did you-"

"Blair, I watched you guys in the reflection of the windows and eavesdropped on everything, and when he walked past here I wanted to throw a stapler at him."

"I know, I'm a savage bitch," I laughed, pulling out my phone from my bag. Another text from Ezra.

"I don't blame you, his friend's hot."

New Year, New Men

Blair Bui's Men of January- a complete list and time frame, plus analysis.

Louis Romney (January 2nd-January 9th)- The republican, classist, sexist twenty nine year old fuckboy that made me think that we were going to be serious, and in a genuine relationship. He was a continuation of the "dating" we did from December 2nd to December 16th). The most notable thing about him was that he was "soooooo serious" that he gave me a $200 cashmere sweater (that I should have kept, tbh), and then proceeded to run away during a work dinner that I had when Kayresia asked him how serious he was. He was not.

Ted Chang (January 9th-January 18th)- The architect that was too fucking serious for me. He was weird, and hands down the worst person that I have ever slept with. HE is my "courtesy removal" (the one guy you can remove from your list of partners, then reducing your count by ONE. You will have never slept with them, once decided that they are a courtesy removal). He was really annoying, really weird, and honestly, the worst. All of this was clouded by the fact that he had a dope ass apartment, and a car. I miss the car. Anyways, most notable thing about him was that he was the most annoying human in the entire world in The Art Institute, and proceeded to repulse the fuck out of me when he didn't know what pointillism was, and embarrass me in front of tiny children.

Chuck Cuevas (January 18th-January 25th)- The quite possibly insane, "love" of my life, ex-boyfriend that I was potentially going to get back together with. We both decided it would be best to stay friends, as he is going to essentially be alone, and riding solo. I could go on endlessly, but I won't. Most notable thing about him is that yesterday morning, he kicked me the fuck out of his apartment. BAM.

Johnny Belcher (throughout the very beginning of January)- Johnny doesn't even really count, because he wasn't a romantic interest. he was my friend with benefits.


REALLY FEBRUARY, But I'll Consider it January


Rafael Mancilla (January 31st-February 9th)- Long story short, he was this hot guy that I met on Tinder, he was funny, cute, and charming. He magically had kidney problems, cancelled our first date. We met up regardless, accidentally slept together, and then he ghosted me. Most notable thing about him was that he joked about ghosting me, and then actually did it. Funny how that works.

Fuckboys and Thots

“Now he was nothing to her, just a lesson in time, a wicked boy-man, incapable of wealth or prestige.”

-Coco J. Ginger 

-

 Let me tell you something about Rafael, guys. Rafael is 5'9, super hot, quite lazy, and frankly, kind of an asshole. And for whatever reason, I will admit that I am somehow attracted to this douchebag. To this guy who uses the word "shwag," can somehow barely take care of himself, and is honestly, completely refreshing. Rafael is a no bullshit, completely honest kind of guy, and he can take me being a sassy bitch, and asking loaded questions.

Not too long ago, I dated this architect that I kept trying to convince myself was going to be the perfect boyfriend. And then, reality hit, and I realized that he was honestly really meh and kind of a fool, and also that I just liked his car and the stuff that he got me. He was too clingy, too attached, and too fucking weird. Not to mention that I took him to The Art Institute and he didn't know what pointillism was. 

I also dated this one guy who was twenty nine, in med school, and thought he was going to be the most bombtastic surgeon in the entire mother fucking world. But he was weird, and also super Republican, super conservative, and honestly, a complete fucking asshole. He mentioned my age, probably, fifty times per hour, and instead of just shrugging it off and saying "what up, bitches, I have a young, hot girlfriend," he just hovered on the fact that I was twenty and exceptionally more mature than he was.

Rafael and I had been texting since the whole kidney problem thing, after his crazy weekend in Champaign where he partied his balls off. We were still in the process of negotiating our second "date," and I had to tell myself a couple times, "Blair, you are not sleeping with him again, make him fucking work for it."

You know, being kicked out of your ex boyfriend's place with Saturday's hair, and yesterday's makeup really is a wake up call. Highly recommended for your single friends who are lost in the sauce. 

"WAIT, you were in my building last night?!" Yael said, as we walked down the street.

"Yup, and that's when Chuck kicked me out." I admitted, as we passed another pedestrian. "JUST LIKE LAST NIGHT'S CHEAP ONE NIGHT STAND." 

An elderly lady looked at me, giving me a dirty look. It wasn't that I was salty that Chuck had essentially told me to get the fuck out—okay, that was it. I was salty that he had kicked me out. I didn't expect him to be all, "Blair, I love you again let's fall in love together," but I definitely wasn't expecting him to be like, "Blair, go home. Get the fuck out."

...Okay, I paraphrased what had actually happened, but still! TF?

Blair, how are you ever going to be a writer if you write about everything so crudely?

It honestly blew my mind, how that happened, it was as if we had not spent a year and a half together, but maybe twenty seconds, before he kicked me out. I hadn't texted him, and hadn't talked to him. It had been a weird night, in general, and  was frustrated with myself for even thinking that there was maybe a chance that Chuck had grew a heart, and that he had regretted ending things like that.

But anyways, back to Rafael. We had been texting like normal, and then suddenly, as I sat in my Physics lecture, I realized something.

RAFAEL WAS FUCKING GHOSTING ME.

He had not texted me back in 24 hours, and we did not make definite plans for a future date. He was fucking ghosting me. It didn't devastate me, but it wasn't a great feeling. I had been interested in him, and Rafael was actually pretty damn cool. You know, minus the whole fuck boy thing.

I walked out of class, to see Kayresia talking to a boy.

A cute boy. The three of us talked for a while, before I had to go off. He was cute, an old-timey dapper kind of cute.

Blair: He was cute
Kayresia: He said hit him up, he single
B: Give him my number. He's taller than me right? IS HE TALLER THAN ME?

Priorities, Blair.

Priorities.

And lo and behold, later that day-

Ezra: Hey Blair! It's Ezra. Kayresia gave me your number earlier in Physics class and told me to text you.

I stared at my phone, blankly.

Blair: YAEL WHAT DO I SAY
Yael: "Hi Ezra. I'm going to need you to rate yourself from 1-10. 1 being a fuck boi to 10 being a hopeless romantic." If he says 6-9 he's a keeper.

I had been texting Ezra a bit when Kayresia walked into my office, I had asked her everything that happened.

"....and then I was like, 'Blair's a thot. And then I was like, 'Blair's not a thot, she's just having a little trouble finding the right guy.'"

"YOU SAID I WAS A THOT!? I'M NOT A THOT!"

Kayresia looked at me, her eyes squinting. "And how many guys have you been with in January?"

"Romney, Ted...maybe Rafael." I said, adamantly.

She looked at me, "Really? What about, uh, Johnny, and Chuck?"

"Johnny is my friend with benefits, so he doesn't count. And Chuck and I dated already."

"Girl, that's how you know you a thot! You've got a friend with benefits. Anyways, tomorrow we're studying for Physics in the library, and he's going to be there! So there you go."

"He's probably only talking to me because you said I was a thot!"

"No, Blair, he's actually a really nice guy."

And as she walked out, I came to the realization that yeah, maybe it's been a crazy month, and yeah, maybe I'm not even remotely close to meeting the perfect guy. But that's okay, and it's not my fault, because there are so many fuckboys around here it's not even funny.

How Chuck Kicked Me TF Out

“Let me love you, but don't love me back. Do love me and let me hate you for a while. Let me feel like I have some control, because I know I never do. ”
 -Ann Brashares 

Potential re-name for my blog: Confessions of a twenty year old who has no idea what the actual fuck she is doing.

This morning, I spent my half an hour before work holding a coffee black as my soul, walking through the wind, with last night's makeup and Saturday night's hair. My smoking slippers slammed against the pavement, as I was not pleased.

That was an understatement, I was fucking pissed. 

You see, this all stems back to Sunday, when I woke up and realized that Rafael had completely gone M.I.A. He had left to go partying in Champaign for the weekend, and I was not taking being ignored very well...as a matter of fact, I was taking it terribly. And it would be normal for a young lady in my situation to take it terribly—because of the fact that I let Rafael prematurely bang me, I had let him enter my secret garden, although he was completely undeserving.

I was feeling vulnerable, ashamed, and sad. If I missed my period and found out that I was pregnant, I would not know who the father was. I would have an extreme Mamma Mia situation on my hands, as I have had relations with Louis Romney, Johnny Belcher, the stupid Architect, Chuck, and Rafael in the span of a month.

Holy fuck, Blair.

I just sat at my computer for a moment in shock.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I did not realize this was a thing. This was not the point of this post, and I have gone so completely off topic.

ANYWAYS, Chuck and I ended up hanging out yesterday, GrubHub had spontaneously sent me a $10 promo code, and Chuck had used it to his advantage.

Blair: Maybe it's their way of saying "you're not a slut, you're bombtastic."
Chuck: Yea probably! Do you have a lot of work to do?
B: Why do you ask?

Was Chuck Cuevas asking me to hang out? Chuck had never asked anyone to hang out, he was a social hermit- any times I had seen him recently were when I went to hang out with Yael, and kind of showed up at his apartment. Or when we both spontaneously, but very rarely, both had time.

C: Cuz if I remember correctly you still owe me some delivery and I need to eat so it's a win-win. We can share as long as we are productive.

The two of us had hung out, it was the usual kind of Chuck and Blair hang out, I had subtly flirted with him, in a non harmful way, we had laughed and made jabs each other, non-threatening but still a little painful to receive, We were at a weird, unexplainable place, we were best friends, but also still exes, even though I tried to mask things with a friendly facade, I could still feel a small flame.

“in a world full of temporary things you are a perpetual feeling.” 

 ― Sanober Khan 

Sometimes I can't feel it that much, sometimes it burns so much that it burns me in the process, but it's there. It's this feeling that's there, it's inexplicable and crazy, but it's there. It makes me wonder if I'll ever love someone more than I love Chuck, and it makes me wonder what he's thinking when we're together. Even though we change and everything changes around us, it's still there. It's not a huge driving force that makes me want to get back with Chuck (plus, I know, far, far better than to), but it's a small force between us, reminding me of fonder times and that I am one of the lucky few to feel love, although it is crazy and mad.

It's one of my biggest secrets, and even though I have moved on, and I am living my life, this feeling is just going to be around, sometimes I feel like forever.  Chuck knows it; I know it.

It was a usual kind of night, we did homework, I freaked out about my life a bit, had a mini meltdown, Chuck swore about his code, and so forth.

"I'm so annoyed with you sometimes," I said, when we were talking about how his sister and her boyfriend were still together. "I thought we were legit, Chuck, I claimed an email and everything."

"WAIT, WHAT?" Chuck turned to face me, his mouth immediately turning into a cheeky grin, and nearly dropping his notebook in the process.

"Shut up, it's embarassing," I said, hiding under a blanket.

"What did you claim?"

I shook my head.

"C'mon, you have to tell me," he said, nudging me.

"UGH, I claimed... Blair Cuevas at Gmail dot com." I said; as he smiled even more.

"I actually think that's really cute, actually."

"Not really, because it's a sign of a failed relationship, and what if someone else needs Blair Cuevas at Gmail dot com?"

"Then they'll have to add numbers!"

As he typed his report, I sat down in the chair next to him, with his blanket wrapped around my body, gently placing my head on his shoulder.

"I don't know why you're trying to smell me, I think I smell pretty bad, cause I haven't showered," Chuck said. I laughed, and kissed his shoulder.

"You little ass, I'm just putting my head on your shoulder all cute like. What are you working on?"

"My weekly report," he looked at the screen, and read out loud, "Did you have any exciting plans this week?" He turned and looked at me. "Did I have any exciting plans this week?"

"I'd be like, 'My ex-girlfriend showed up drunk off of Baja Smash on Thursday night, and she showed up again on Sunday to kick it."

"Oh really? I'm sure that's what they wanna hear about," Chuck said, laughing.

I picked up his phone, and played around with the screen for it, my left pointer finger gliding around the screen.

"I wonder if I still know the passcode, I've completely forgotten," I said, as I perfectly and effortlessly unlocked the screen. "Oops."

Chuck took it from me, and pulled open the photos, opening an album.

"In case you were wondering if I had them still." It was an album he made when we started dating, it had almost every picture we have ever taken together, since the matriculation of the relationship between us. It was sweet that he still had them, and to be completely honest, I was glad that he still did. It made me happy, truthfully. It seemed like that Chuck and Blair were forever ago, but it was honestly a year, 365 days, and in that time, so much had changed.

"I can't believe you saved all these." I opened my camera roll, I only had six photos of us saved, and Chuck's expression told me he seemed a little hurt.

I opened my Dropbox app. "I have so many pictures that they took up a lot of space, so they're saved here," I admitted, smiling.

We went through a bunch of times.

"The time we went to go see the tightrope guy in downtown Chicago."

"The time I was so stressed during finals week that you took me on that spontaneous date."

"The time that we had to video chat over winter break."

"The time we went to Seven Treasures."

Chuck and I looked through the pictures, and laughed endlessly, it was nice to think about all the nice things that had happened.

"Do you want to grab food now? Do you want to go to bed late or go to bed early and wake up early?"

"Le'ts go to bed early!"

As we stood in front of the busy food stand, Chuck asked me what I was getting, and then turned, and looked at me. "Do you uh, want me to say your order or do you want to say it?" I knew exactly what he was asking, he wanted to know if I wanted him to pay.

On one of our very first dates, Chuck was too nervous to pay, we went to get late night cupcakes spontaneously. He just looked at me in front of the machine, and awkwardly said, "We're paying for our own cupcakes."

I know, savage AF.

So, as the irritated cashiers looked at us, I said, "I don't care."

"Okay, then you can get your food, you go first."

As he got into bed, and wrapped his arms around me, we talked, and we talked for a while until Chuck told me that we should be heading for bed. He was always the responsible one.

I laid restlessly, until I turned to face him.

"Chuck, do you ever think about the moments that pass you by?"

"What do you mean?" We were nose to nose, chest to chest.

"The moments when you could've  done something, could've said something...but you didn't, and you let the moment pass you by," I whispered.

"I try not to," Chuck admitted, as I looked up at him.

"Why?"

"Because I've made my choices, and I can't move forward if I'm thinking about missed chances in the past."

"You can still move forward even if you think about the moments that pass you by," I whispered. We looked at each other silently for a moment, as if we were in a silent understanding. I turned back the other way, and I swear, I heard Chuck say something.

I turned back to face Chuck, as he leaned in, and kissed me on the cheek.

"Good night, Blair."

"There's such a difference between us, and a million miles"

 -Adele

"Blair, wake up, it's 7:20." Chuck said, from his laptop. I was so incredibly comfy under the covers.

We had a small exchange, nothing memorable, especially after what happened next.

"You can go back to your place, I have things I have to do this morning," Chuck said, looking at me, as if I was a one night stand, a random. And I just didn't know what to say.

I just remember saying that I said I'd leave, and then packing up my things in silence, both of us pretending that nothing even happened. I came back after I left, to make sure nothing was left behind, but we didn't really talk. That was it, Chuck had kicked me out, like a cheap one night stand.

And that's how I found myself, holding a coffee black as my soul, walking through the wind, with last night's makeup and Saturday night's hair.

Electrifying

“Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.”
 -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

-

"Okay, tell me about Rafael now," Yael said, as he crumpled up the piece of foil next to his plate. I was still working on the chili chicken paratha that was in front of me.

I've thought about how specific I want to get about chronicling things that happen, of the...sexual persuasion. I'm no Lena Chen, after all. It makes me a bit uncomfortable, it makes me a bit...weary. And I just simply don't think that I can bring myself to write all the sordid details of my sex life. So this post is going to be rocky, and it's going to experiment with my writing style and my personal boundaries.

-

When I walked out of the lobby, Regina was nearby, just to stand and be a little bit of a creeper. We decided that since she was curious about Rafael and what he looked like. I walked up to the door, and as soon as I saw him, my knees got a tiny bit weak. He was tall, handsome, and stood there, smiling at me, as I walked up to him. Black pants, dark green t-shirt, and coat. He was definitely more handsome in person, and his smile was enough to make me go weak.

We hung out and watched Master of None for a while, we talked and laughed, getting closer and closer each time. We talked for a while, and hung out for a while, until he said that he probably should be heading out soon.

"You haven't even been here that long, you're going to go already?" I asked, looking at him.

"Yeah, I'd stay if I could, but I have that doctor's appointment tomorrow, and work."

"Are you sure?" I whispered, as he learned in a bit closer. His hands moved down to my waist, and he pulled me in closer.

There's always that moment you have before you're going to kiss for the first time. You always feel it, because your heart beats faster and you start to get butterflies in your stomach. It's the brief moment of panic, and then relief, before you both lean in and your lips touch.

Rafael and I kissed, as he pulled me in closer, and moved his hands down the side of my body, stroking my legs and pulling them around him. We were perfectly in sync, as his lips pressed against mine and our tongues intertwined, dancing around. As we pulled apart, we both smiled, as we kept kissing, and our bodies kept synchronizing in motion. I gently bit his lip, and pulled away, looking straight at him.

"We're not going to fuck tonight," I whispered, as he looked at me.

"I know, Blair, but that doesn't mean that we can't have fun." He pulled my shirt off, and started to move the waist of my yoga leggings downward.

OH FUCK.

Regina didn't trust my self control when I said that Rafael and I weren't going to have sex that night. So, in order to stop myself from sleeping with him, I kind of, sort of...didn't shave. I had shaved recently, but it was a bit stubbly, and not the most attractive looking.

I pushed him away for a second, and reached to turn the lights off, as he pulled my leggings, and my panties down.

He wasn't going to, was he?

He moved downwards, kissing the right of my hip, and then my inner thigh, reaching towards me, and then did something that completely surprised me.

After Rafael surprised me, he came back up, and placed his hand on the side of my face, pulling me into another electrifying kiss. We kissed, as he flipped us over, until I was on top, straddling him. And then, accidentally, spontaneously, it just happened.

-

"YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM, was it good?" Yael asked, leaning in closer.

"It was very good, and that's not all!" I said, with a smile.

-

As we laid there, I looked at Rafael, nudging him a bit.

"Move over, I want to lay down too!" I laughed.

"You can, just lay right here," he said, placing a hand on his shoulder, I laid down, and he wrapped his arm around my waist, as we laid, and talked. We talked about my brother, we talked about his line of work- we talked about a bunch of things. And I realized that there was definitely a chance that something could happen between me and this guy.

-

"So the conversation was good? Did he just go after that?"

"Nope. We kissed again, he ate me out again, and we hung out for a bit, because I was trying to get him to stay longer."

"AGAIN?"

"Yup," I admitted, with a sly smile.

-

"Okay, I really should get going," Rafael said, as he stood up. He put his shirt on, and pulled out his phone, calling an Uber, as he looked for his pants. As he looked, he stopped for a moment, looked at me, and kissed me, a lot lower than I expected. He looked up at me, smirked, and finally said, "Fuck it," before cancelling his Uber.

After the second round, we both got dressed, and he stuck around for a bit. I went into my room, and sat on my bed, as he emerged from my bathroom. He walked into my room, and up to me. Rafael looked at me, and then placed his hand in the small of my neck, pulling me into a kiss.

But it wasn't just a kiss.

There are some kisses in life that are so electrifying, that are so intense that you simply don't know what to do. It's electrifying, and you feel a chill down your spine, as this kiss has caught you completely by surprise. It's spontaneous, and you just....you just feel it.

And as it ended, and we looked at each other for a moment, he flashed me another sly smile, and pulled me into another kiss, this one gentler, and sweeter.

"Walk me out?" He asked, breaking the silence.

"Sure."

-

As I hung out with Yael, I couldn't help but think about what was going on with Chuck, and how he had become this shell of a person.

"You know how someone gets over their lover passing away?" I asked Yael, randomly, as I typed on my laptop.

"I don't know, I think that would really suck and it'd be incredibly hard. Why do you ask, Blair?"

"I guess it's because I know how it feels. Because Chuck died. He went from being incredibly happy, and so full of life, to the person he is now. It's like the Chuck that I fell in love with died, and now there's this guy running around who isolates himself and puts up a facade. And it's not Chuck, it's this ghost walking around, because the real Chuck died." I looked at Yael, and he stared back, slightly, horrified.

"Wow, Blair, that's deep."

"And I guess that's how I moved on, because I know that I'll never be with him again, because he just...died."

"Wow, I never thought of it like that," Yael said, looking at me. "But you should definitely talk to him.

-

"Not a lot of people would be friends with their ex boyfriend," I said, as Ariel and Yael mixed another cup of Baja Smash. "But I really care about him, as a friend."

"I can't imagine how hard that is, moving forward with your life, but also being there for him, and caring about him and making sure he's okay," Ariel admitted, as she took another sip.

"I just care about Chuck a lot, and I want to make sure he's okay," I admitted.

"You're a really good friend to him, Blair."

-

I had talked to Chuck that night, about everything that had happened, and that I was worried.

"I just want to make sure you're fine, you are my favorite person in the entire world," I admitted, as Chuck looked back at me.

"Even more than Rafael?" He asked, with a laugh. We were sitting comfortably on his bed, and I was a little more than drunk, but it was alright, because I was forming words.

"Yes, but I have only been on one date with him," I said, laughing. "It's actually become a qualification for the guys I date to be fine with us being friends, I don't think I could date someone who wasn't okay with it. You're very special to me, and I care about you a lot."

Chuck looked back at me, laughed, and smiled, for the first time, in a long time. It was like he was slowly being revived.

"You're one of my best friends too, Blair. And I care about you a lot, and you're special to me too."

-

As I laid in Chuck's bed, I felt arms wrap around me, as Chuck pulled me closer. I turned to face him, and he looked at me, as we laid, nose to nose.

"Blair, I care about you a lot, you're very special to me," he whispered, as we laid under his covers.

"I know, Chuck, I care about you a lot, and you're very special to me too." I wrapped an arm around him, and laid on his chest.

We talked a bit, before I fell asleep in his arms. Life was coming back into Chuck again, and I was glad that it was happening. Chuck and I have a special kind of friendship, it's something tricky to explain, but I'll try. Chuck and I are never going to get back together, and I love Chuck- in a special way. Not really in a romantic way, but in a way, where I care about him and he's special to me. But to reiterate, there is no way Chuck and I would ever get back together, based on some personal details about him I can't divulge. So innocently cuddling, or physical closeness is fine, as I am not in a relationship with anyone. It doesn't make me feel anything romantic, and it's just cuddling with Chuck- simple as that. Of course I would never do this, if I really liked another guy, but I'm just getting to know Rafael, and I haven't had that "damn moment."

So, because of the physical attraction I have to Chuck, I said that things like this are fine, until I have that "damn moment." Plus, Rafael is going to party this weekend, and I wouldn't be surprised if he did anything. Until you have that official talk, you can pretty much always assume that your potential partner could be boning or dating someone else.

Fasting or Faking

“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”
-Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

Rafael: Hey this is really embarrassing but I'm gonna have to cancel today. It's due to some health issues lol. Basically my like kidney started hurting last night and I thought it was nothing but still feels odd today so I made an appointment for tomorrow morning and I need to fast for 12 hours so I can't eat lmao. Please don't think I'm weird or a bad person. I'll make it up to you and definitely would be willing to reschedule if you are.

Rafael and I had been texting, practically nonstop since we exchanged numbers. We had plans for our first date that night, and I had been excited. And...from what he told me, he was pretty excited too. He had been given the total Regina and Blair stalking treatment- the two of us scrolled through his entire Instagram, analyzing the captions and looking at his tagged photos. And from that, we determined that he is totally hot, a foodie, and a dapper dresser.

"He has like, all the good parts from the guys you've dated. He's a foodie like Ted, he dresses well like Romney, and he has the Mexican of Chuck."

I laughed my ass off at her comment.

"And he's kind of an asshole like Johnny, it's perfect!" Regina had said, scrolling down his Instagram.

ANYWAYS, back to the current situation.

I didn't know what to make of the text that he had sent me- was he trying to dip because he didn't like me? Was he lying?

Blair: Bullshit or naw?
Regina: Not bullshit.
B: It sounds like it.
R: Bitch his kidney hurts! TF?

Blair: Regina says I should stop being a bitch and give him a chance.
Yael: You should give him a chance. Don't be mean to this guy lol.

Johnny: I'd drop him, he sounds like a clown.

It was a weird gut instinct that told me to trust him, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay, guys, I'm totally lying, I was a skeptical bitch and totally tried to find out if he was lying. One thing that guys never do is keep track of their lies- they always slip up on the details, fumbling around. And so, after fishing around and being sneaky...he actually was serious. He wasn't lying. With how bummed he was that we couldn't have dinner, with his consistent sticking to what was said- and his evident fasting, he wasn't lying. It was normal for me to be a bit of a cynic- I blame it on all the shit relationship experiences that I've had. If you had them too, you would be in this club.

The day went on as normal, until, suddenly, somehow, Rafael and I ended up making plans to meet up- in half an hour. What started off as witty banter, ended up in Rafael saying that he would call an uber in a bit, and me sprinting to Regina's room.

"REGINA HELP HE'S COMING NOW AND I'M A MESS." I yelled, as I ran into her apartment. "RAFAEL'S COMING."

"Tonight?" Regina asked, giving me a look.

"Yeah, we're going to hang out and watch a-"

"NO SEX," Regina said, interrupting me. She looked at me, and pointed a finger.

"Of course not, I'm not stupid, you never have sex on the first date." 

I had even sent Rafael a text earlier, confirming that.

Blair: We are not going to fuck, FYI
Rafael: I came out of the shower to "we are not going to fuck, FYI."

What can I say? I'm a straightforward lady.

But seriously, although it's a stupid rule, and girls should be allowed to have sex with who they want, whenever they want, you just can't have sex on the first date. It's like a relationship killer- no matter how much you may like them or how into you they were, sex on the first date crushes all of that into dust, and it disappears. Then, the guy just wants to keep on having sex with you, and his intentions of dating you will have magically disappeared. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS. A potential relationship disappears and turns into a bootycall. Lucky us.

Plus, you gotta make them work for it.

As Regina and I hurried to my apartment, we opened the door and started to get into high drive. As we threw cardigans, bras, dresses, and thongs into the closet. I worked on shoving stuff in my closet, Regina worked on straightening out her vanity. And I'm not going to lie, Regina is a real ride or die bitch, because somehow, in like seven minutes, we completely transformed my room. And she managed to touch up my makeup, Cher and Dionne style as I freaked the fuck out.

"Regina, I'm so ner-" and the two of us stopped immediately once the sound of my ringtone started playing.

Characters

Blair Bui- The protagonist of the saga, yours truly. Writing the non-fictional account of my life, you can't make this shit up. Sassy, feisty, and a little bit savage. Yael once told me that I'm the most cutthroat bitch that he's ever met in his entire life. Brutally honest, straight to the point, and blunt. And also, sometimes, truthfully, sometimes a little bit lost.

Chuck Cuevas- One of Blair's very best friends, and also her ex boyfriend. They dated for over a year, and he was her first "real relationship." He is awkward, nerdy, and sometimes just doesn't know what to do or how to react.

Kayresia- Blair's most honest friend- she keeps it 100, even though sometimes people don't want to hear it. The most notable experience being when she asked Louis Romney what his intentions with Blair are, causing him to run away. She is funny, loyal, and always there for her friends. Kayresia says it like it is.

Regina- Blair's most outrageous friend. Regina is the type of girl to walk tall in her heels, sip Mimosas in class, and sit in the quad, Serena Van Der Woodsen style, like she doesn't have a care in the world. She is Blair's Nigerian Serena Van Der Woodsen. She is always dropping things into her Neverfull, sleeping,  and showing up late.

Serena- Blair's oldest friend from childhood (okay, teenagerdom), she lives in Minnesota but is always around to give Blair input and advice, as needed. She is always honest, straight to the point, but also loving and kind.

Yael- Chuck's co-worker that Blair snatched to become one of her besties. Yael is always funny, positive, and uplifting- but also honest. He always tells Blair the truth, and the two of them became friends by bonding over the same people that they dislike.

Casey- The fifth person in the "squad" that makes up Blair, Kayresia, and Regina. She is the polar opposite of them, as she is incredibly shy and sometimes adorably awkward.

The Taco Ghosting Saga, Part Two

I looked at my phone, in total shock.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Blair: So you were going to ghost me? That's pretty uncreative. 

I have never been the type of girl to shy away, and to bawl tears and be all "boo hoo" over a guy. It happens sometimes, but most of the time, I just take things head on and go straight ahead. In moments like these, it's like I don't have a filter- I just say exactly what's on my mind.

Rafael: Ghost you?

How the hell didn't he know what ghosting was? Ghosting is one of the most common and well known ways to get rid of someone that you're not interested. For example- there was this one guy Casey met on Tinder who was nonstop messaging her, and talking to her. He kept telling her that he was going to take her on dates, but then things would "somehow" get in the way- eventually he just stopped messaging her, and disappeared. BUT NOT REALLY- because he was still there, haunting her social media and just chilling around, but then again, he wasn't. Like a ghost. It's basically when you just fade away- abruptly or slowly, and just disappear.

Total confession- I kind of wanted to ghost Ted, but felt morally wrong because he had spent like $500 on me over the course of a week....oops.

Blair: Yeah when you fade away by never talking to them again.
Rafael: Lol well then yeah, definitely gonna ghost you. But now you made it awkward so I don't know anymore.

What was going on? I knew I had to reply with a punch- and it didn't matter what I said, because we were never going to talk again right?

Blair: I'm a big girl, I can handle it. You could've totally gotten laid though....but oh well!

I pressed the lock button, and then proceeded to return to my tacos. And then, suddenly, my phone went off again.

Rafael: Hahaha, is there a way to unghost someone?

What the fuck?

Was he trying to salvage things, now that he knew there was a chance that we could fuck, and now that he realized that I was boss ass as fuck? I put my taco down.

"Ariel, I think this boy just tried to ghost me," I said, confessing the situation. I explained everything, down to my sassy punch.

"Awh, Blair, I'm sorry," Ariel said, as she took another bite of her fire grilled steak taco. It was okay, we only talked for a day, even though he was actually super funny and kinda sorta cute, and was capable of keeping up with me.

I texted Johnny.

Blair: He told me he was going to ghost me, and then I was charming and witty, and he asked me if there was any way to unghost someone.
Johnny: Huh?

Leave it Johnny to be incapable of understanding things. I attached the text messages, and waited.

Johnny: Blair he was joking. He wasn't going to ghost you. Eat your tacos, go to bed, and text him tomorrow.
Blair: Is he really?
J: He's not serious. Eat tacos and go to bed. He's not being an asshole.

I told Ariel exactly what Johnny had said, and after we laughed at his whole "Eat your tacos, go to bed, and text him tomorrow." thing, the two of us tried to wrap our brains around what was happening.

"Do you think he's kidding?" I said, after Ariel had read the texts.

"Maybe, he could be."

"Who the fuck would joke like this though?" I groaned, irritated, "Ask your boyfriend what he thinks!"

"I think Eric wouldn't know either, actually, no, he would pull some weird shit like this too."

Blair: Are you sure?
Johnny: Positive. Completely.

"Do you think he's trying to ghost me?" I asked Ariel, again. The sheer ridiculousness of this situation made me laugh, as we went over the same situation. "Do you think Yael knows?"

"Blair, I don't think Yael is going to be much help."

"UGH, I'm going to make him wait an extra date before we sleep together. REMEMBER THAT, Ariel, when I say, 'I think I want to have sex with Rafael,' you say, 'No Blair, wait another date.'"

"Blair, you have a lot of faith in my long term memory."

I texted Johnny again.

Blair: How?
Johnny: If he didn't want to talk to you, he would just ghost you. He wouldn't bother to say, "Oh this is awkward.." He's joking.

Okay, well, we were about to find out.

Blair: Yeah, you bring them tacos. Has to be tacos.
Rafael: Damn joking around just got me to end up bringing you tacos. Should've just gone to bed instead of being a smart ass.
B: Probably! I like al pastor.

The Ghost of Tacos Past, Part One

“Boys are unpredictable. This maybe not be news, but I'm starting to think it's one of the best things about them.”
 -Kate Brian, Megan Meade's Guide to the McGowan Boys

-

After my rant-y post, I was glad that Ariel could come over and hang out with me- her boyfriend lives in the suburbs, and also, she doesn't have a need to be with him every damn minute of every damn day. My friends are all different, in their own regard (I think I'll have to write a post on that soon), so she and Yael definitely offer different perspectives. In the aftermath of "the Friday night where everyone got turnt up," I just wanted a relaxing night in.

**Literally, Regina projectile vomited in one of the elevators and next to the trash chute on her floor...everyone got drunk that night. Kayresia was nearly puked on by a girl talking to herself in third person in an elevator that night.

And Ariel was feeling like a homebody, so pizza and wings it was! Chuck recently had kind of disappeared into his own cave; you would think that I wouldn't want to see him again, but after talking to him and finally clearing everything up, the romantic feelings were gone- I just wanted to hang out with my friend.

Kayresia was having a guest over, a gut instinct told me that Casey was probably in Lincoln Park playing wifey, and another instinct told me that Regina was sleeping. So, although I had rejected Tinder, I scrolled a bit out of curiosity. And somehow, past the guys holding fish, the guys flexing at the gym, and the obvious guys with an Asian fetish, was one who was actually cute.

Okay, you guys, I can't lie on my own blog, I thought he was totally hot. Like, "holy fuck, this guy is actually my type" hot. AND he thought The Lonely Island was funny. Rafael was 23, lived about six miles away (26 minutes if you take the 50 to Wicker Park, and then the blue line to Addison), and from what I could tell was pretty hot and dressed well. And so, for the first time, in a while, I swiped left.

Blair: I'm kind of a no nonsense boss ass bitch.
Rafael: Wow that's so deep hahaha
B: You know how in a group of girls you have the really awkward desperate one that guys talk to, in order to get to the other girls. And then you have the really funny, savage, but slightly ratchet one. And then the boujie, acts like a queen one, who exudes confidence? Then you have the one that's chill as fuck, brutally honest, and a cutthroat bitch. I'm the last one.

And somehow, after saying that, Rafael didn't run for the hills. We talked, until we hit a minor road bump.

Blair: How tall are you, out of curiosity?
Rafael: I'm 5'2"

WHAT THE FUCK?

I scrolled through his profile, analyzing each picture. OH MY GOD.

Blair: Really?
Rafael: Yup

And so, I kinda sorta...didn't say anything. I am a very honest person, but I didn't even know the guy! I didn't want to be that bitch that said, "Hey, you're too short for me, bye." And so, I just started to fade away.

Ariel said she's done it plenty of times, I honestly probably unknowingly have too. Johnny thinks he has, and when he found out about ghosting he was so unbelievably salty. So salty that he posted this Thought Catalog article about ghosting in his online dating profiles. I'm kind of laughing my ass off about it now, thinking about it. A poor, innocent, bystander just clicks the link on Johnny's OKCupid profile, thinking, "Oh, this guy is kinda cute, I wonder what this article he linked on his profile is, it must be important if he put it IN HIS PROFILE," and then, BAM, AN ARTICLE ABOUT GHOSTING.

After my run, I received a little notification on my phone, and looked down to see what was waiting in store for me.

Rafael Mancilla iMessage (1)

Fuck, he's about to confront me for ignoring him because of his shortness, isn't he?

Rafael: I'm actually 5'9" but I was hoping you'd be brutally honest and call me short.

I laughed, and for the first time in a while I was impressed by a guy.

We had texted all day, as I sat and watched the final parts of Grease: Live! and Ariel showed to hang out. I looked at my phone, and laughed, and Ariel laughed at me.

"If you're going to have him bring you tacos, have him bring some for me too," Ariel said, as she typed on her laptop.

"Oh my god, Ariel, I'm not going to have him bring tacos for the both of us!" I laughed, nearly dropping my phone.

"Why not? If he's already coming here with some tacos, have him bring extra for me. Is it going to be suspicious if you tell him to bring you four tacos?" She looked at me, expectantly.

"He's going to be like, how the hell does this tiny Asian girl eat this many tacos?"

"Sometimes I can eat three! He doesn't know, maybe you're really hungry-" Ariel paused, and looked at me, seriously, "Blair, if it's about the sex, if you guys want to have sex, I can leave so you can have sex, and you can just drop them off at my room later."

The night actually ended in tacos, because Ariel and I ended up ordering tacos. As she ate her fire grilled steak, and I ate my tequila-lime chicken, I texted Rafael, and actually smiled. Although I would never, ever admit it.

My phone suddenly went off, as I dipped a corn chip into the guacamole.

Rafael: Alright, well I'm old and have up be up early as fuck so I'm gonna go to bed. Enjoy your tacos!

I placed my taco on the foil, and started to type.

Blair: Hahahah, alright, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I put my phone down, and dipped my taco into the roasted red pepper sauce, when my phone buzzed twice.

Rafael: Oh this is awkward.
You said talk to you tomorrow and I just wasn't going to text you ever again.

What the flying fuck?