“The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you.”
-Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
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"Wait, so that's not the end of the story?" Shane said, dying from laughter. He had been laughing this entire time, non-stop.
"Are you still laughing at me?"
"I mean, I'm laughing because this guy obviously likes you, and can't get over it, so he's insulting you as a way to cope with it- but it isn't working."
-
As Johnson and I sat on the train, I knew he wanted to ask me the not-so-golden question, once more.
"You know, you should really lower your standards," he said, as the two of us sat in silence.
"Excuse me?"
I don't believe in lowering my standards, and I also don't believe in leagues. When Chuck and I broke up, the truth came out, and it was an honestly shallow truth that I had already known. Casey, Serena, all my friends had casually admitted that they thought that I could have done better than Chuck, who they classified as a four, "but only because of his personality, Blair." It wasn't a crazy moment or revelation where I asked myself, "WOW, WHAT WAS I THINKING?" As a matter of fact, I do think that I'm too good for Chuck- not based on looks at all, as I thought he was a little cutie, but based on the fact that he is indeed a sociopath and threw me in a (metaphorical) ditch when we broke up.
And I didn't climb out of that ditch, and to the mountain top to settle. I didn't go through all of this in order end up with an "okay guy" LET ALONE a gremlin man-child with an ego the size of The Loop, who apparently lacks basic learning skills, because he cannot comprehend something that I have said at least a million times. So fuck what people say, I'm allowed to have standards, and I'm allowed to know what I'm looking for, and to look for it.
ALSO, how fucking rude, okay? I've dated some pretty hot guys, I think, and I generally date cute people! Just because I don't date the dregs of medical school, which was definitely what Johnson tried to pawn off on me, doesn't mean that I need to lower my standards. Because there's nothing wrong in knowing what you deserve and what you what.
"You know, Anders, Dax, Jason... you just need to lower your standards."
To what, exactly? A GREMLIN MAN-CHILD?
"What do you mean?" I found hand balling into a fist, just like the last time.
"It's just, Anders' girlfriend is like, drop dead gorgeous, like, she's a 10. She could model."
I think I'm a pretty girl- and I think that's part of where your confidence comes from, how you perceive yourself. I've never posted a picture of my face or anything here, but I'm no sack of potatoes or anything. I'm not going to say that I'm the most beautiful girl in the entire world- because I'm definitely not. But I do think that I'm pretty, and that I'm considered pretty to most people. Everyone's beautiful in their own way, and people perceive people to be attractive on different scales.
I've met guys like Romney who think I'm drop dead gorgeous and the most beautiful thing, or guys like Johnny that think I'm smoking hot, and I've met guys who don't think I'm that special (like Chuck's asshole friend JD), but regardless, none of that matters, because I, myself, think that I am pretty and beautiful in my own way. And that's the only person that can tell you how you look- you. And guess what? Everyone is beautiful in their own way, even when asshole guys try to tell you that it's a 1-10 scale, because that's honestly not how life works. You aren't some number.
"Is this your covert way of telling me you don't think I'm a 10?" I asked. Johnson nodded, and I felt myself get annoyed, not because he didn't think I was hot- I didn't care about what he thought of me. But that he would be SO rude to tell me that I can't get someone based on how I looked.
I may joke that Johnson is a gremlin man-child, but I didn't not date him because of his looks- I just didn't like him romantically! He was weird, cocky, and extremely weird. Did I mention he was weird? He just rubbed me the wrong way, and was nothing that I was looking for, honestly. And after a day with him, and having him be a total asshole, I was done.
We sat, as I texted Shane on my phone.
"Are you telling everyone that I'm an asshole?" He said, smiling with a cheeky grin.
I looked back him, annoyed, and irritated. "No, you're not that special, stop thinking you're that special."
"I'm sorry, Blair, I shouldn't have said that, it was uncalled for."
UM, YOU MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING THAT YOU SAID TODAY?
Once we hit our stop, I turned to him, and said, "Don't try to walk me home or anything." If this was a normal guy, I would have just said good bye, but who knew what Johnson's whack ass was going to pull out next?
"Why would you even say that?"
"Because I've been trying to reinforce that we are platonic friends, and you don't seem to get it. BYE."
-
Shane kept laughing, and once he gained his composure, he was completely honest.
"He obviously likes you and has a problem with it, so you should just be honest and tell him how you feel. That's generally the advice I always give, is to be honest."
Blair: Okay, I want to be friends and hang out but you need to stop bringing up why it didn't work out, because that part is over.
I heard a notification on my phone, and then looked to see a long ass paragraph waiting for me.
Johnson: There wasn't any question about that in my mind, it being over I mean. I think the root of the issue is honestly I tend to mercilessly blame myself when things don't work out for me, so it probably came off as me absolutely not being able to understand why you wouldn't want someone as amazing as me, but it's somewhat the opposite. Anyway, I definitely said some stuff I shouldn't have and I apologize. I'm down with being friends too, but I do hope you can understand how I could have been rubbed the wrong way a bit.
No, I don't understand, because WE ARE PLATONIC FRIENDS. But I couldn't say that, I had to be nice-ish.
Blair: Rubbed the wrong way by what? Me not wanting to date you? I just am not attracted to you!
Johnson: That's totally cool and I get that, that's not the issue. Like imagine if Jason went on a few dates with you then said he wanted to be friends then went on about how hot your friends with and this hot girl he banged last week. It'd just be a little...inappropriate, given the situation If the issue was you not being attracted to me I wouldn't have agreed to be friends.
I took a deep breath, and remembered the words that Kayresia gave me when I was texting Zayn a week ago. Don't be too brutally honest, Blair.
Blair: First of all, it was like a month ago. Second, I said that Steven was hot- that's it. Same with Sergio, because guess what- they're hot! It doesn't even mean that I want to date them I just think they're attractive. And no, it's not inappropriate, because it's not like you have feelings for me or you like me. Okay, it would be inconsiderate if you liked me and I didn't feel the same, but that's not the case- we're platonic friends! And I wouldn't care if that happened with Jason bc whatever, lol.
Johnson: I'll think about it
Blair: About what?
I turned to face Shane.
"What the hell is he thinking about?"
"Probably if he can be friends with you, you know he obviously likes you."
Johnson: If being friends is a good idea. At least at this time.
-
"What the hell were you thinking?" Johnny asked, as he laughed his ass off. "You're a smart girl, so you must have been sneakily trying to get back at him, you must have!"
I scooped up another bit of Velveeta shells with my fork, and shook my head.
"You weren't trying to rub it in his face?"
"NO, Johnny, I genuinely thought that I could be friends with him and that he was mature! He talked about other girls and that night at the bar he even flirted with girls and hooked up with one," I said, as I pulled my hair up into a high pony.
"C'mon, you don't need to tell me what he was doing that for." Johnny looked at me, expectantly.
"Okay, I now know that he is obviously super into me, and that he was doing this petty shit to cope, but at the time I genuinely thought we could be friends!" I really had, Johnson had initially seemed so cool, I didn't think that he would be a psychopath.
"Yeah, well now you know."
"Yeah, well now I have no one to go to the event with." I had completely forgotten about the event at the local bar, until I came to the startling realization that it was Monday and that I had one hundred percent wanted to go.
"Why not? Just go by yourself."
If it was a normal event, I would have gone in a heartbeat, but it wasn't.
"Yeah, and have all the med students ask, 'What year are you?' And then, have me say, 'I'm not in med school, I'm just this weird little girl who's here for no reason.' NOT TO MENTION, Johnson is going to be there AND Romney."
"Yeah, well I have no desire to go, so you're out of luck."
And then suddenly, it dawned on me.
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