“The right thing isn't always real obvious. Sometimes the right thing for one person is the wrong thing for someone else. So...good luck figuring that out.”
-Stephenie Meyer, Twilight
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"And then he showed up in that sweatshirt and jeans, and my coworker was like, 'oh my god...what is he wearing? And she's in that cute dress and denim jacket and shoes...and he's in a sweatshirt!' And I told her, 'I know.. that's what I said!'" Leonard said, as he swirled some of his multicolored pasta around his fork.
I shook my head, and nodded. "I know...I can't believe I went on a date with him. I can't believe you didn't tell me how awkward he was!"
"OKAY, I was trying to give him a chance, and you didn't need me to find out that he was weird and awkward- you found that out for yourself, see?"
Leonard looked at me. "I still can't believe you gave him your number- I thought you were going to say no."
"I know, after he asked so blatantly..."
"Okay, but what happened on this date?"
-
Nash walked into the candy store, as Leonard and I stood there, unimpressed. He was over half an hour late, and when he showed up, he looked like he had rolled out of bed and came over. Leonard gave me a look, and then gave me another once over of my outfit. I had chosen a cute floral dress, strappy sandals, and a jean jacket for this date- it was after all, just a casual walk on the beach.
Although he looked like a total scrub, I just gave Nash a polite smile, and we continued to walk down the street. I said good bye to Leonard, although I had a gut feeling that I would be seeing him sooner than our anticipated plans on Wednesday.
Okay, there is a conflict that I always have as a blogger- to share unnecessary details to paint a colorful picture, or to just flat out say things to skip the extraneous explaining. And right now, I am wondering if I should paint a picture about how awkward as fuck Nash was, or to just flat out say it. Nash was awkward- he was extremely awkward, and after about twenty minutes or so of forced conversation, I immediately knew that there was something missing.
Now, I won't go into extreme detail, because is a whole blog post about what I'm looking for. So, I will just extract a quote from that lovely little post, "That something is the force between you and another person.There's so many words for it- fire, chemistry, sparks, magic, and we each have a different name for it, and we each feel it in different ways. But what's the same for each and every person, is that when you're with someone, and you feel that fire, it's completely and utterly undeniable."
And I did not feel that fire with Nash. It wasn't just because he was so awkward that it made me want to call Leonard and a spy helicopter to swoop me up into the sky, it was just that something was off. There was a fire, attraction, and sparks missing between the two of us. And I don't believe that you should have to grow to like someone, that you should learn to love them. Things should be like "HELL YAAASS," from the beginning. You should be like, "hell yes," about them, from the very beginning. They should make you so excited for every date and make your heart skip a beat when they text you- not so incredibly awkward that you feel awkward as fuck.
Nash talked about how he was uninterested in fashion (translation: dressed terribly), had strange interests (was kind of a weirdo), and wanted to go into Communications because he had people skills (translation: he was really freaking awkward). It wasn't that he wasn't a nice guy- he really was! He was just really awkward and we were incompatible.
Okay, and really, really weird.
Okay, I did not like him at all.
He told me that he practiced acoustic guitar every day for two hours, and that he practiced sign language every day, as he was teaching himself. I think that these two things would have been immensely attractive if it was any other guy but him. He also added that he had a beeper.... a beeper that went off whenever his nerd cave roommates wanted to communicate with him, and to remind him to take vitamins. Vitamins that he didn't he didn't know the purpose of... who takes vitamins and doesn't know what they do?!
Low key, because I felt my usual kind of anxious awkwardness, I tried to keep talking to him, and tried to keep pretending like everything was okay, even though my heart and mind screamed, "Bitch you don't fucking like him!"
As Nash grasped at straws to find things to ask me to keep things rolling, that feeling in my gut got worse and worse, until low key, I had a mini meltdown.
"What about your guy friends?" Nash had asked me, completely unsuspecting, and completely harmless and innocent to what I was about to say.
AND CAN I JUST CLARIFY THAT I AM TERRIBLE WHEN IT COMES TO REJECTION.
Y'ALL, I had to get Zayn to text-dump Johnson for me that one time! I only was able to dump Derek (tbh I just had to search for his name right now because he was so unmemorable) was because I was able to do it over text like a terrible human being! And yeah, I knew that I had to tell Nash that I didn't feel anything, but I low key just wanted to survive this date and then run away, to be honest.
So, because of all of the anxious awkward wanting to run away feels, this answer somehow came out of my mouth.
"Okay, so like two years ago or so, I met this guy. He was really nerdy and awkward and cute and I fell madly in love with him even though I didn't think he was my type. And then we broke up spontaneously and I was devastated because I thought he was the love of my life and that we were going to be together forever," I rambled, as I turned to Nash.
He was nodding, as if I had said something very significant, and not completely rambled and not answered the question he asked me at all.
"ANYWAYS," I said, continuing to ramble, "I was rebounding and I dated this architect and I DID NOT LIKE HIM. Holy fuck did I not like him- he was such a neanderthal and we had nothing in common. FUCK."
I paused for a moment, and then continued, "Anyways, I kept going on dates with him even though I really, really didn't like him, and we'd always go to the movies because then I could ignore him and not talk to him! But then I hit my breaking point when he said the stupidest shit about pointillism and I wanted security to just take him away because I couldn't stand him anymore because I DIDN'T LIKE HIM." I looked over at Nash, who was still not phased that the seemingly normal girl he asked out was losing her shit, slowly.
"I just couldn't tell him that I didn't like him!" I gasped, continuing this train wreck, "And my guy friends had to tell me to just fucking say something. And then I went on the date with the guy that followed me twenty blocks and I had to tell him I didn't like him, especially after he awkwardly kissed me and I practically sprinted away, but I just couldn't do it. IT'S HARD."
"It is hard," Nash said, nodding. He smiled awkwardly, which only told me one of two things-
- He definitely liked my whack ass.
- I was going to have to flat out tell him the truth. I wouldn't be able to make it to the end of the date.
"It's hard and I'm bad with confrontation, holy fuck I'm terrible with confrontation. And I had to get my friend Zayn to text this guy for me and tell him that I didn't like it. I couldn't even do it- SOMEONE ELSE HAD TO!"
Nash opened his mouth to say something, as I continued my rambling. "I mean, it's hard and I just couldn't and I just- it's hard, okay?" I yammered, as Nash nodded. And as I looked at him, I came to the depressing realization that he didn't fully process what was going on. My thinly veiled freak out was not apparent, and my obvious rejection of him was not glimmering beneath the terrible, but concise anecdotes.
"I can't wait till you see what I have planned on Tuesday," Nash said. Was he just incapable of drawing conclusions or was he just madly in lust with me?
As we continued walking, and my anxiety and nervousness worsened, Nash was grasping at straws to make conversation, as my extremely nervous and awkward Blair Bui-ness was coming out.
I am brazen, sassy, assertive, fiercely independent, and strong. But there is a certain Blair Bui awkward nervousness that comes out when I am around guys that I do not like- especially ones that I know I have to eventually reject. In a pitiful attempt to last until the end of the date, although I never want to see them ever again, I do this thing there I laugh nervous and yammer on. It is super apparent and clear as hell to everyone around the guy that I am trying to distance myself from.
So, as Nash attempted to converse, I continued to laugh and yammer awkwardly, because I was getting increasingly nervous. And the stupid look on his face just told me that he thought that our date was going swimmingly.
And as we sat on that bench on Oak Street Beach, as the sun was setting and the wind was blowing in my hair, the waves gently caressing the shore, Nash turned to look at me, and started moving a little bit closer. And that was when my flight or fight kicked in.
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