Cutie

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

-Buddha 

-

After we talked, had dinner and hung out for a bit, naturally Chuck ended up kissing in his bed. He placed his hands at the small of my back, as he leaned in for another kiss. As we kissed, his hands ran down my back, and my hands stroked the back of his head, as the vintage video game music played in the background. I've said again and again that I'm absolutely horrendous about writing about the risqué, so for my sake, and everyone reading, I'll leave the weird descriptive making out details.

"You totally have a boner right now," I whispered, as we pulled apart for a second. Chuck looked at me, and leaned in for another kiss, pulling my hips towards him.

"Yeah, I'm kissing a pretty girl in my bed," Chuck said, in-between kissing, "Plus you keep up grinding all up against me."

"No, you're definitely doing that," I laughed, as Chuck kissed me. 

"Definitely you, Blair," Chuck said, as we kept kissing, and I pulled him in closer.

"I'm wearing your favorite crop top."

"I know, that's why I placed my hands in the small of your back." I pulled the blanket over us. "Why do you like this?" Chuck said, as we kept kissing.

"It's cute."

"What, us suffocating and dying?" Chuck asked, as I started to laugh. He was so adorably awkward and funny, that I couldn't help it. 

"Or are you trying to not see anything," he said, giving me a look.

"Chuck, you know I think you're a hottie. And I dunno, it's just cute"

"Us suffocating?"

"Shush!" I gave him a little push on the chest, and he leaned in for a kiss.

"I'll close the blinds," he said, laughing. And I don't know why, but until that moment I didn't even notice that the window was directly in front of his bed, and that everyone on the other side saw everything that we had been doing for the past thirty minutes.

"Oh my god, can they see us?!?" I pulled a blanket over me, although I was completely clothed. 

"Yeah, probably," Chuck said closing the blinds. He looked over at me, and then went over to grab a cutie, as my jaw dropped.

"Oh my god, Chuck."

"What?" Chuck looked at me, blankly. He kept peeling his clementine, as I looked at him in shock. "Chuck you are always ruining the moment, you were literally just making out with me in your bed, and now you're peeling a fucking orange?!?!" I was LITERALLY in his bed, kissing him and grinding all up against him in his favorite crop top, a minute before this happened. Chuck was clueless sometimes, and although most girls would have gotten up and brushed him off, I honestly thought it was kind of cute. God, what was wrong with me?

"I wanted a cutie! Here," he handed me a piece, as I started to munch on it. He smiled, and leaned in for a kiss.

"No, go find your cutie," I said, shaking my head. He moved closer, shut the lights off, and leaned in and kissed me.

"Found it," he whispered.

-

Chuck and I were having sex (not fucking), and as he looked at me, I felt like I had found what I was looking for, this whole time. Movements by Pham played in the background, as Chuck's movements went perfectly in sync to the beat.

"I like you a lot, Chuck, you're sweet and funny, you're smart and caring, intelligent and adorably awkward."

"Blair, you're smart and clever, you're amazing and beautiful, funny and always fun to be around, I love hanging out with you. And you're so cute- I mean, sometimes you try a little hard, but you're still cute," he said, smiling. He looked at me, the same way he always does, just like that first night we got cupcakes. It wasn't like other guys did, but it was in the way only Chuck did.

"Chuck, I... I love you a little," I whispered, as he smiled like no other, and leaned in and kissed me. Neither of us had whipped out the L word since we had been sneaking around and having our affair, but even though this was amazing- I couldn't say that I fully loved him.

I couldn't just say "I love you," and I knew he couldn't either, at least right now. And amazingly fun and great as this all has been, was this truly what I wanted to risk myself for? Could I put my heart in Chuck's hands again? What if he broke me again, or smashed my heart into thousands of pieces again? Would I be able to be okay again? And did I really go through everything that I did this whole year, to be with Chuck again? These questions didn't hit me, until I got home, and genuinely thought about it. Do I love Chuck? Am I willing to risk everything for him?