“There’s nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.” 

-Christina Aguilera

"You need to find yourself a boyfriend, so you can just stop being a little maneater," Matthew said, laughing. We ended up ending our Starbucks study date at Buffalo Wild Wings, and even though it was only like 10 pm, I still felt like the night was still young. We had ended up going back to my apartment (I got changed out of my super hotel employee cardigan, Matthew visited Kayresia), and then heading off to my favorite bar for $3 wine and $3 Stellas. And we had decided that the end of that night would end up in that club.

"Does this place even exist?" I asked, walking on the sidewalk. There was a locksmith, a pizza place, but no club in sight. 

"It's right here," Matthew said, pointing to the fluorescent lights. He opened the door, and the bar was surrounded by people, as was the stage right in the center. Chiseled, ridiculously hot, and ridiculously handsome men in various stages of undress walked around, as they took turns dancing on the multicolor stage. Yes, I, Blair Bui was in a male strip club. I awkwardly followed Matthew to the back, avoiding touching any of the um, performers in the locale. Assless chaps, thongs, banana boats, it had made me feel like I was wearing way too many clothes.

I took off my coat and circle scarf, placing it on the back of a a bar stool. Matthew sat next to me, and ordered a Corona, as I ordered a Stella. We sat at the bar, my arms firmly crossed and my legs crossed as well. I wasn't prude or anything, but it was my first time in a place like this, and the basically naked guys didn't help either. It made me feel a little awkward, but the Stella was helping me feel more comfortable. 

"So what do you think?" Matthew said, gesturing to the stage. There was a back and a front, and a stage in each area. At the moment, a small white guy was dancing on the stage; he reminded me a little too much of JD for me to enjoy anything.

"I imagined Magic Mike, but this is legit too!" I took a sip of Stella, and then I suddenly felt a hand on my ass.

"What's your name?" 

I turned to see this small, awkward Hispanic man looking at me. 

"Blair." I said, coldly. He was standing right in the middle of Matthew and me, and Matthew had turned his face to hide his laughter.

"Can you give me a little kiss?" He asked, leaning in. I immediately turned my face and looked the other way. He moved closer, and completely reeked of desperation. Okay, maybe this strip club experience wasn't that great so far...

"No."

"Can I have a little kiss?" His mouth was right under my ear, as I turned away, once again. Could I Yelp this place?

"No. Bye." I moved away, and pushed his hand off my ass (which I completely forgot was on my ass!) I went back to drinking my Stella, and ignored him. Awkwardly, and dejectedly, he walked away, as Matthew started laughing uncontrollably.

"Oh my god, I can't with you," he said, laughing. "That's the same one that tried to get with Kayresia too." We looked over, to see him dancing on the stage, winking at me.

"Girl, you better go give him a dollar," Matthew said, laughing even more at the situation.

"Hell no, he already got a tip- he fucking touched my ass. That's plenty tip for him." I responded. I took a nice sip of Stella, as Matthew got up from the bar stool.

"I'm going to give him this and say it's from you," Matthew said, laughing. 

"No, don't!" 

Matthew walked over, whispered something to him, and shoved the dollar in his g-string. And I barely noticed, because in that moment the most ridiculously hot guy I've seen in a long ass time walked by. 

He was tall, muscular, and perfectly chiseled. His face had perfectly defined features and his tattoos accented his lightly body. He had washboard abs and bulging arm muscles. Black hair peeked out from underneath the cowboy hat, and even though he was wearing the most underwear out of them, it still left little to the imagination. I actually think he was more attractive, because of the fact that he was wearing boxers- they were light and dark grey striped. To summarize, he ridiculously hot and definitely my type. 

"Look at that cowboy," I whispered, as Matthew came back to the bar.

"That's your man, huh?" 

"No, I could never," I said, laughing. Matthew asked if I wanted to head to the front of the lounge, and we picked up our coats and beers and headed over. I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb here- not because I was the only young lady there, but because I was dressing extra Blair-y that night. Black leggings, bright red bow flats, paired with a black and white striped blouse (one of the many that I own...), and a matching red cardigan. My hair was in messy loose wavy curls, and I had on black vintage-y pin-up liner and bright red lipstick.

A guy bumped into me, and gasped.

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE GORGEOUS." He held his hand up to his face, as I sat there, awkwardly. He was a cute little man, the top of his head bald, and he had a little frame. However, he definitely had baby face, so I assumed he couldn't be more than his late twenties.

He turned over to Matthew, "Isn't she so gorgeous?"

"I know," Matthew laughed, as he and I sent telepathic messages to each other

Who the fuck was this guy?

He pulled me in for a hug, and then kissed the top of my head. "You're so gorgeous!"

And then, he was off.

Matthew and I sat there, and talked, until Matthew stopped, and gestured over to the door.

"Look, your cowboy's coming over here," he said, smiling and taking another sip of Corona.

He emerged from the shadows, walked across the bar, and stopped right in front of me.

"First time here?" He said, as he looked at me, from head to toe. NO, super hot stripper man, I'm just a young twenty year old woman who likes to sit legs and arms crossed, awkwardly in my matching flats and cardigan.

"Yeah, it is," I admitted. I turned around, and grabbed my Stella from the bar, taking another healthy sip. I've learned in situations where you feel nervous or slightly shy, such as when a super ridiculously hot basically naked man is talking to you, it's best to hold your drink in your hand and take gentle (or not-so gentle) sips as needed.

"Well, welcome, my name is Dominic. And your name is?" He leaned in closer, until we were basically almost chest to chest. I knew that I was blushing- how could I not?

"My name is Blair," I said, with a smile.

"Well it's nice to meet you, what about you?"

I looked over to see who he was talking to- it was Matthew. I had almost completely forgotten that he was there the whole time!

"My name is Matthew."

"I love that name, is it french?"

"Oh shit," I thought to myself, Dominic's gay! He and Matthew talked for a couple seconds, as I drank my Stella and ignored the guy dancing. Dominic then walked over, and stood right in front of me. He grabbed my hands, and then looked straight at me, with his piercing black eyes.

"Blair, you can touch me, that's what I'm here for," he said, laughing. He ran my hands down from his chest down to his abdomen, stopping right before, you know.

"Your abs are ridiculous!" I gasped, as my fingers ran over the perfectly sculpted muscles."You could wash a shirt on those!"

I know, I'm so incredibly smooth, right?

Previously in my blog, aka, once in my blog, I tried to write about, um, sexualish encounters in detail. It was extremely awkward, as I'm occasionally an awkward lady. So I won't go into detail about how Dominic flirted with me, and how I was one hundred percent definitely attracted to him. I will mention though, that he knocked over my Stella while he was um, flirting with me. (SIDE NOTE- for those of you with dirty minds, my clothes stayed on and we were in public, nothing came off and I didn't kiss him or anything!)

"Well, I'll see you soon, it's my turn to get up there," Dominic said, with a wink. He walked off, and Matthew turned to face me.

"He's feeling you," Matthew said, laughing.

"Is he really?"

"PROMISE ME YOU WON'T SCREW HIM," Random Little Man said, appearing out of no where. I turned to face him, a little surprised that he had appeared. He gave me a hug, and then looked at me.

"Promise me you won't get involved with that, yeah he works with kids or whatever, but they're all the same. And you're too gorgeous and funny and smart for him!"

"I promise," I said, laughing. We were only just flirting, and even though he was tremendously attractive, I wasn't looking for a Magic Mike in my life- I wanted something real. Something more than a fun hook-up. You know, even though he was ridiculously handsome.

"Good girl," the rando said, taking a sip out of his Cosmopolitan.

Dominic ran up to the stage, placed his hands on the base, and parkour jumped on it, making eye contact with me, as soon as he landed. With every move he made, whether it was gyrating his hips, banging the stage, shaking his bum, or any other variation, he'd always look over at me at some point, making eye contact. I looked right back at him, when I didn't feel incredibly awkward or shy, and gave him a smize right back. He started to pull down the grey striped boxers, and even though I knew they weren't fully going to come off, I couldn't look, and I turned away.

"Is he doing the Carlton?" Matthew said, laughing. I turned around, to see Dominic full out doing the Carlton. This was happening, right in the lounge. I laughed too, it was actually nice to see that he had a sense of humor. Dominic wasn't a bad guy, from what I could tell from talking to him, which we had done for a while. He was sweet, and funny,. considerate and nice. He worked with children with health problems and wanted to be a doctor. But I don't think I could ever date him.

A random guy called Dominic over, and slid a single into the band of his striped boxers, and it honestly kind of made me feel awkward. A job is a job, but would I really be comfortable with that?

Dominic walked over after his dance, and stood right in front of me, again. I couldn't deny that I was physically attracted to him, and that I liked flirting with him, but before I could even say anything, Random Little Man moved in the middle of us.

"I love this girl, she's so gorgeous."

"Yeah, she's pretty gorgeous," Dominic said, smiling coyly at me. Matthew just took a sip of his Stella, watching this unfold.

"You can't have her," Random Little Man said, pulling me away from Dominic. "She's too smart."

Dominic walked around, right behind me, grinding on me.

"NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER," Random Little Man said, pulling me away further. "She's too gorgeous and too smart, I LOVE HER."

Matthew was trying to contain his laughter as this happened. "Isn't she great?" Random Little Man asked Matthew.

"She is, she's one of my best friends."

In the two seconds that Matthew answered and distracted Random Little Man, Dominic managed to wrap his arms around my waist, as he whispered something in my ear. I really wish I could tell you what he whispered in my ear, but I honestly don't remember what he said, as I had two Stellas in my body and was distracted by Random Little Man, and Matthew laughing.

"You still owe me a Stella," I said to Dominic, as Random Little Man started to pull me away, and Dominic held on to me.

"Yeah, I owe you a Stella?" He grinded up against me.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE HER."

"Yeah," I said, sassily.

"A Stella?" He asked, gyrating his hips.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE HER SHE'S TOO GOOD AND TOO GORGEOUS!" Random Little Man yelled, "PROMISE ME YOU WON'T SCREW HIM. PLEASE DON'T SCREW HIM."

"Don't sleep with him!" Random Little Man yelled.

"You owe me a Stella," I said, laughing.

"Well, usually I like to get a girl dinner first before I get them a drink."

"NO BLAIR!"

Dominic and I turned to see Random Little Man making an X with his arms. "NO, YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS."

"I'll make a deal with you," I said, turning to Dominic. He leaned in closer, and smiled.

"I'll give you my phone number if you get me a Stella," I said, gesturing to the bar. Dominic walked away, and Random Little Man erupted.

"OKAY, you are so gorgeous and so smart and so funny you're going to do so many great things, and the guys here aren't shit. They're worthless. He's worthless. You're beautiful and young and you need to find yourself a real guy, like a surgeon or something. JUST PLEASE DON'T SCREW HIM."

"I wasn't planning on it," I said, laughing. "I want a Stella, though."

"Good," Random Little Man said, before he said goodbye to Matthew and I, kissing us both on the cheek.

"That man was trying to cock block the fuck out of you," Matthew said, laughing.

"You really think that cowboy is into me?" I asked Matthew, taking another sip of my Stella. As I took a sip, I felt a warm breath on my ear, and turned to see that small, awkward, Hispanic man stripper from earlier.

 "Hey, beautiful, are you going to give me your number." I pushed him a little bit away.

"No, bye." I said, as Matthew erupted with laughter. Dominic came back with my beer, and told us that he was going to see us later, and hoped that he'd be hearing soon from me.

"Do I text him? I asked Matthew, taking a sip out of my Stella.

"UM, hell yes. Did you see him, he is FINE. You've found yourself a Magic Mike," Matthew laughed, as we both turned to see the awkward Hispanic man stripper dancing on the stage. He winked at me, as I gave him a dirty look.

He hopped down from the stage, and whispered in my ear, "I want to see your mouth wrapped around my dick like it's wrapped around that bottle."

I turned, and looked at him, giving him possibly the meanest look I had ever given anyone in my entire life.

"NO, BYE."

Dominic ended up coming back to say good bye, and Matthew had us go on a little walk before we went to the car.

"Would you call him?" I asked, as I moved my hair away from my face. We got into Matthew's car.

"Hell yes."

"But I don't know how I feel about dating a stripper," I said. It was the truth, I really didn't know if I could do it- his immense hotness wasn't enough. Maybe if this had happened right when Chuck and I broke up, but I was in a stage where I wanted something real.

"Well, don't dismiss him just like that. He could be really great, just go out with him and keep an open mind. And BLAIR, he works with kids for God's sake!"

"He does works with kids..."

"You've found your Magic Mike," Matthew said, laughing.

"You know that entire time he was dancing I felt like that was for me," I admitted, placing my red lipstick into my quilted bag.

"He told me that you were making faces at him while he was dancing, and I told him, 'Yeah, because you were making faces at her,' You both were making faces with each other. While he fucked the ground." And Matthew was right, because I basically felt like Dominic was eye fucking me that entire time, as he basically humped the ground.

"And what was up with that random guy? He was like cock blocking you, and he kissed me on the ear! And he kept saying you were gorgeous, and I was like, 'I know she's gorgeous, she's one of my best friends.'"

I looked over at Matthew and smiled. The spontaneous adventure we went on was definitely worth it, and he was probably the greatest companion that I could have for adventure. We drove off down the road, into the almost-sunrise. I didn't need a prince to go on an adventure, I just needed some great friends.

What I'm Looking For, Exactly

"The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire." 

-Ferdinand Foch 

-

Whenever I tell people that I went on a date, only to realize that I didn't feel something, they always roll at their eyes at me, as if it's my fault and I'm just being some immensely picky asshole. But I'm not- and it's not like the thing that these guys are missing is a trust fund or a Lambo  They aren't missing something that they can go out and buy or change about themselves, they can't wish for this something at 11:11 or pray at night for it- it's something that's just supposed to be there,  and when it's there, you feel it. You just do.

You just know it's there, you don't need anyone else to tell you, you don't need to double check. It's not a maybe, it's not a possibility that it could be there. It just is, because when you know it's there, you feel it, whether you want to or not. And if you have to question if it's there- that's because it's not.

And that something is the force between you and another person.There's so many words for it- fire, chemistry, sparks, magic, and we each have a different name for it, and we each feel it in different ways. But what's the same for each and every person, is that when you're with someone, and you feel that fire, it's completely and utterly undeniable.

You feel it when you're with them, and you feel it even more when you're apart. It's this force between the two of you that keeps your universe perfectly balanced. And this fire, it affects you in ways you don't even know. They're constantly on your mind, your heart beats faster when you're around them, you get a special kind of nervous excited for dates, and when they smile, the entire universe pauses for a brief second. You have this shared magic between the two of you, that just makes you the happiest person in the entire universe, these sparks will make you run around with your heart beating faster, smiling like a complete idiot because you've found some amazing person that makes you feel this way.

And when you find that someone with fire, they're the most spectacular person in the goddamn world. All you want to do is make them smile, and make them laugh. You want to make them happy, and be on their mind- even half the amount that they're on yours. You want to go on adventures and do anything and everything with them. You want to stay up all night talking about everything under the sun, you want to dance under the moonlight with them, and sail off into the sunset. They make even the most mundane tasks fun, and make you think and feel things that you've never imagined. This person, that you have fire/sparks/magic/that special something with, they're not going to be easy to find, as it is called one in a million for a reason.

You won't feel fire with most of the people you go on dates with, and that's okay. If it was easy to find this special someone, then no one would be single! Once again, it's called one in a million...for a reason. You're not going to meet them easily, hell, the universe will probably drop this person in your lap spontaneously and unexpectedly (that might even be one of the best parts).

You just get magically lucky one day, and you won't realize how lucky you were, until you're sitting next to them, looking at them, and thinking to yourself, how you're the luckiest person in the entire world for finding them, out of the sea of people walking around on this planet.

You'll never be able to forget the ones you do have fire with, even if their fire for you might have been completely extinguished. It happens sometimes- the sparks and the magic fade away. It's especially terrible when they're still with one person, and they've disappeared in thin air for another. But in these cases, you can't make mistakes or try to recreate the past, because then you're just going to end up getting burned. And trust me, it really hurts.

Chemistry, magic, fire, sparks, it's the most important thing that people should be looking for, and to be completely honest, it's the hardest thing to find. But that's what I'm looking for, it's why I won't settle, and why I remind myself what I deserve. You deserve magic, you deserve fireworks, you deserve butterflies in your stomach, and someone by your side who makes you feel like the most unstoppable human on the planet.

So don't ever forget what you're looking for, even if people roll their eyes at you. I always remind myself that this is exactly what I'm looking for, and what I deserve.

That Was A Pity

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
-Alexander Pope

-

As I laid there, awkwardly somewhat cuddling with Derek, I was brainstorming ways to leave, or basically, ways to chicken out and get the fuck outta there.

1. Pretend to fall asleep later, and then sneak out.
2. Get dressed hella quick, and then throw everything in your Kate Spade, then run out the door.
3. Go to the bathroom, and climb out the window.
4. Have Shane/Kayresia/Serena call you, pretending that there is an emergency that needs your help
5. Pretend to start crying, and say that you still have feelings for Chuck and that you love him

None of them were viable options.

"We should get to bed soon," Derek said, as he kissed my shoulder and pulled me in closer. I awkwardly wiggled my ass from our spooning, and reached for my shirt.

"It's getting late, I probably should be heading home soon, I work in the morning." I grabbed my skinny jeans (which made my butt look phenomenal), and pulled them on.

"Should I plan an adventure for Thursday or is this it?" Derek asked me, awkwardly.

I was floored that he had straight up asked me this, and completely shocked. Was he really going to do this right now? I literally was trying to put on my clothes and leave! My friends always joke that I have become very stereotypical male about dating- I think this was reinforced by the act that I was contemplating sneaking out earlier when he was sleeping, and that I was now trying to weasel my way out of having to spend the night.

Derek looked at me expectantly, like a middle schooler asking her crush to the school dance. I felt the guilt, and even more, I felt awkward.

"Um, I don't know..." It just came out, and it was very poorly said. In this moment, I really contemplated running out the door barefoot, and throwing my shoes and coat into my Kate Spade bag.

There wasn't anything obviously wrong with him, any glaring problems. There was just no fire, no spark, no.... attraction. Something was missing, and I just didn't feel it. And then, when we were hooking up, I definitely wasn't feeling it (not just because he went um, flat...), although it started off okay, it fell flat. And it wasn't his fault- I just didn't feel it.

It wasn't even me being shallow- Derek was really cute and really nice! I just didn't feel something. And I know I'm capable of it, because I felt it with Chuck Cuevas, that ass.

I remember I liked Chuck so much, and I was so convinced that he wasn't, um, well skilled or well endowed, that I gave myself a pep talk before he came over to be intimate.

"It's okay, Blair, if he's not that good, you really, really like him." I literally told myself that before anything happened- because I had liked him that much!

And with Derek, it was just.... a horribly awkward experience and the fact that k just wanted to run away, reminded me that I did not like him.

"I think I deserve another chance," he admitted, as he looked at me, expectantly.

"Uh, with the sex or with the date?" I asked, awkwardly. I was hoping that he just wanted another shot at...that, because then I wouldn't feel bad at all! Does that make me a terrible person

"Please have him just want to hook up with me, please don't have him like me," I told myself.

I know what you're thinking, "BLAIR BUI, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? A nice, sweet young man wants to date you, and you're secretly hoping that he only wants to bang you, so that you can dump him without feeling bad??" I know it sounds really terrible, I know, but think about how easy it is to reject a guy who's trying to tap you- it's SO easy. It's so easy, that you never remember them, and you laugh it off. Like that guy who asked me out in Target!

Because you remember the really, really nice guys, that you have to let down, because you remember how awkward you felt, and how nice they were. And you remember how you kinda wished that you were attracted to them so that it wouldn't have to happen- except you don't, because you really don't want to date them.

"Both."

Oh shit.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's dumping people. I was too chicken to dump Ted earlier this semester that I chickened out and told him that I still had feelings for Chuck. My freshman year, my cop-out excuse was always. "I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend."

When it came time to dump Johnson, I felt so bad at that time (now looking back, I don't at all and wished I hadn't), that I had ZAYN dump him for me. ZAYN. I literally sat there while Zayn was having the break up conversation with Johnson for me, on my phone!

When it came to Zayn, I was so awkward that I avoided him and didn't talk to him for a while (aka, a month) before I finally fessed up that he had traumatized me and that I was so incredibly weirded out.

And finally, with Chuck, when I decided to never talk to him again, that's simply what I did. One day I made that decision and simply just never talked to him again- and he didn't miss me apparently, because he didn't say anything! You know, until I asked for my stuff back.

I don't know how I did this, and I really wish I remembered, but somehow we managed to stop talking about things and he called me an Uber. I was completely home free, and about to sprint across his lawn, when Derek decided he was going to walk me to the car.... and open the door for me... and then, finally, the cherry on top of an awkward date, he awkwardly kissed me good bye. And then I slammed the door closed.

"Can we please drive away now?" I asked the Uber, turning away from the window. "That was such a terrible date."

"Really? I was just about to say that was so cute!"

I spilled everything to the uber driver, I poured out everything, from Chuck and I breaking up, to how I took a break from dating ever since the Zayn thing, and then finally, the terribly awkward details about that night.

"That boy really likes you. you can tell he does. He's probably thinking about you right now," he said, as he turned on to another street. "He even completed the date, he called you an Uber, walked you out, opened the door, kissed you goodbye- and oh, that was a pity smooch!"

"I know" I said, hiding behind my scarf. "I feel so awkward and so terrible!"

"Don't, little lady, because it happens with dating. It's not your fault, you just don't feel the spark with some people. And don't you ever settle for less than that spark, I know what you're looking for, you're looking for that magic."

And it was what I was looking for. I used to be so frustrated whenever I met a guy that was nice, but I didn't feel sparks with, because I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like it was because I was being too picky or something- but I wasn't, I just didn't feel anything. And I didn't realize it until I took my break, but finding someone you have that fire with, it's not an easy thing

"I am!"

"And all you could have done was give that boy a chance, which you did. So just be gentle, and let him down easy," he said, as he pulled up to my apartment building. "So be kind."

It was something that I was learning how to do, slowly but surely. And I knew even though it might stink, I had to tell Derek the absolute truth. I had been in his situation- totally and utterly excited about someone.

There was a point about a month ago when Jason and I were supposed to go on a date- I was totally secretly excited, and he basically didn't talk to me the entire week until the night before, when he late night texted me that he "didn't have time to cultivate anything romantic." I was fine, of course, but obviously kind of annoyed that he didn't say anything up front, but waited a week to say something! I brushed it off, and ignored it, and then drunkenly threw myself at a College of Medicine after drinking Schmidt's pitcher of beer. BUT ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The point is he should have been honest from the start- because avoiding people, or trying to sneak away isn't very kind.

And it was a lesson that I was still learning (although I would like to add that I'm much kinder than Jason is).

I got a text from Derek, when I got home. I ignored it, and then went upstairs to have a nice, cold beer. Shane had some Busch in his fridge, and I drank it as I told him everything that happened.

"So, you don't like another guy, it happens," Shane said, as he played his Xbox.

I took another sip of my beer, and nodded. "I know, and it happens a lot- but I'm not going to feel bad, and I'm not going to freak out, not that I would. Because this kind of stuff happens, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that something special."

My phone suddenly went off again, and then I peeked to see what was waiting for me.

Derek: Hey how was the uber? Worthy of 5 stars?haha 
Derek: I had a great time despite my difficulties at the end haha i hope you did too, if your still down for another adventure on thursday id love to try again and show you an even better time! 

I wish I was a nice person, and responded to him at three in the morning, but I waited until the next morning, before I texted Derek back.

Blair: You're a great guy and it was nice seeing you again, and yeah it was nice to catch up, but there was just... Something missing. And what happened kind of solidified that. It's not your fault or anything, I'm just missing that spark 
Derek: Yea I agree there was something missing but I still think this is worth one more try. I mean you went on three dates with the weird guy who ate off your plate right?

(Sorry to interrupt but can we take a moment to laugh at how Johnson is known? Okay, okay)

Derek: haha plus like you said you had such high hopes for me after 3 years. If we give it another try I have a feeling I wont dissapoint you again 
Blair: I don't think it's worth trying if neither of us is really feeling it- I think it's best.

I think I'm gonna stick to sitting in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy, and eating hummus.

A Dry Brunch

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind."

-Henry James

-

"Don't walk towards me," I said, putting my hand out. "We're going the opposite direction and having you walk towards me freaks me out." Johnson looked at me, blankly, and started walking.

Shane asked me why I was getting brunch with Johnson. And I had told him simply that I wanted to get brunch, and that Johnson wasn't that terrible. We were friends, you know, besides the fact that he annoyed the living hell out of me and followed me for twenty blocks and interrogated me on why I wasnt attracted to him. But that's irrelevant, because I wanted brunch.

"I don't understand this menu," Johnson said, squinting at the rustic papered menu. We had ended up going to a cute Italian place for brunch.

"There's English underneath the Italian," I said, annoyed. I looked into my bag, and then realized, after some rummaging, that I had forgotten my id. Fuck. No bloody marys, or mimosas for me- I was going to have to be sober.

"I don't understand the English- what's a foh-cak-chuh?"

I looked back at him, and responded, exasperatedly, "Foccacia. It's a type of bread."

"Oo oh I'm sorry, I don't know what fancy bread is."

"You're just like that Neanderthal, Ted." He was. He and Ted were in the same club where they both thought that they were amazingly stupendous. If I had told Ted the truth that I thought he was an idiot and was completely unattractive to him, I'm sure he would have followed me twenty blocks asking why I didn't like him and wasn't attracted to him.

"The guy you dumped because he didn't know what a painting was?"

I held on to my fork, nearly snapping it in half, out of irritation. Holy smokes this kid was annoying.

"I didn't dump Ted because he didn't know what a SEURAT was, I dumped him because I had no chemistry with him, he was a Neanderthal and incapable of having intelligent conversation, he was weird, and he was terrible at sex, AND I WASN'T ATTRACTED TO HIM." I honestly thought that after the whole twenty blocks thing that Johnson would have grown the fuck up and gotten over it. Okay, not honestly thought, but I maybe thought he would have gotten over it. But he had found himself as a vigilante for the poor, suffering men that the tyrannical and villainous Blair Bui had rejected.

Our waitress tried to say that the food was shared plates, and I completely ignored Johnson, because there was no way I was going to test my patience by attempting to share food with that idiot. He ate off my plates and when we got sushi on our second date (which should've been the last) he ate my leftover half eaten rice piece from a sushi roll. EW.

"I'm getting two plates." I said, ignoring him.

"Why do you get two plates if I only get one?" I looked at him, annoyed.

"Because I'm getting my own plates."

As soon as my garlic roasted Parmesan potatoes hit the table, I salivated. I paused for a moment, and reached into my fuchsia Kate Spade to pull out my beaded cased phone. I pulled up Snapchat, held it to my potatoes... and then nearly dropped my phone, as Johnson had stabbed his fork into MY POTATOES, as I was about to take a Snapchat. My potatoes which I had paid $6 for in this boujie Italian place, FOR MYSELF. My potatoes which I had not even tasted or taken a bite of, or even offer to this jackass. MY POTATOES THAT I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF PHOTOGRAPHING THAT HE JUST STUCK HIS DAMN FORK IN.

I looked at him, with murder in my eyes, and he stared back, blankly. He stared back so blankly, as if he was incapable of even thinking a simple thought, as if someone had scraped all the brain cells out of his cranium.

"Can I have some?" He asked, completely oblivious to how annoying he was. I don't know why he thought it was remotely okay or appropriate considering the circumstances.

"Just. Take. It. You already stuck your fork in it." I moved my phone over, cropping his lousy ass out of my picture.

A small, minor detail in the twenty block interrogation that Johnson committed was that when he asked me what annoyed me about him, I mentioned that he's absolutely disgusting and a pig with table manners. I'm not someone who can't share food, I split food with my friends all the time. I used to order an entree with Chuck that we both liked, and he'd order an entree that I liked as well, and we used to split the entrees. I don't have a problem sharing food, I'll often share food that I order with coworkers or loved ones.

BUT JOHNSON BAKER, HELL FUCKING NO. Johnson Baker is disgusting and randomly will eat food off people's plates, thinking that he is cute and flirtatious. Johnson Baker ate the nori and rice that was smashed together after I pulled out the inside of a sushi roll, thinking that he was flirting with me. Johnson Baker randomly eats off people's plates without fucking asking and its gross and rude, because he is actually gross and no one would want him around their food.

The coffee additives were nestled on a silver tray, and in a little cup were thin paper tubes of assorted colors, next to a little tiny silver pitcher of creamer. Johnson took a brown tube out, and opened it.

"I was going to put this on my eggs but it's sugar! Why is this sugar?"

I gripped my fork, and took a deep breath. In retrospect, I was kind of a bitch, and a little bit mean (I actually feel quite mean writing this now), but he was so freaking annoying. I was going to end up on Snapped- Girl Stabs Brunch Companion with Fork.

"It's because sugar is in those pouches."

"No sugar is in the white pouches."

"It's in the brown pouches too," I said, trying to be polite.

"But sugar's white."

I took a deep breath.

"Granulated white sugar is in the white pouches, brown pouches have the cane sugar, pink has the artificial sweetener."

"Oh."

"My pancakes are very good," I said, attempting to change the conversation, as Johnson was starting to annoy me. It wasn't just the fact that I was mean, it was Johnson himself. Johnson was conceited and thought that he was so amazingly spectacular and he irritated me to be around. He spent a good chunk of brunch talking about how he didn't want to meet up with a girl because he was under the impression that she really wanted to date him (spoiler alert- he seems to be under the impression that every girl wants  to date him."

He reached his fork torwards my pancakes, and I looked at him, annoyed.

"STOP." I said, stopping his fork. I didn't want his Johnson-ness on my pancakes. I cut out a perfect rectangular piece and placed it on his plate.

"There.From what I could tell, I realized that my friendship with Johnson was going to- and truthfully needed to end. Before I ended up on Snapped. It made me chuckle that it took me all this time to realize that, and that I didn't come to this conclusion after he had followed me for twenty blocks, but after he annoyed me at brunch.

Chuck Cuevas Stinks

"And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there."

-Ellen Degeneres

-

"And he waited until I asked for my stuff back to say something. And he has a supposed girlfriend and I was just happy watching Grey's Anatomy and eating hummus by myself. And I've decided that I'm just going to keep never talking to him again because he annoyed me and he's not even my boyfriend anymore, like what the fuck?"

Shane looked back at me, before uttering what was the most amazing thing that a guy had ever said to me in my entire life. Okay, I exaggerate, but it was still pretty great.

"I saw Chuck today, and he smelled really bad."

"Wait, what?" I looked back at him, expectantly.

"He smelled so terribly, and it caught me completely off guard. Like, it just offended me a little that he smelled so terribly."

I smiled, which was petty of me, I know, I'll own up to that. And then I started laughing. "I'm not even going to pretend like this didn't make my day, because it did. Because every time someone sees Chuck they tell me he smells bad, and it honestly brings me joy."

It did, you'd feel the exact same way if you were in my position. Chuck threw me in a ditch and then walked away, acting like he was hot shit and completely unscathed by our breakup. While I laid in my bed and cried to Sam Smith and Adele. I deserved to enjoy this, I did.

When Chuck and I first broke up, I joked that he would end up a mess, and he told me that he would be happy and fine and great. And for a while, it seemed like the world was magically falling into place for him, as if tossing me in that ditch was the best thing ever.

And I'm not going to pretend like I didn't want his life to be so goddamn dandy, I wanted him to suffer too- and remember, I was thinking this when I was miserable and broken hearted, crying myself to sleep and crying in his EWH sweatshirt. I was so salty, because he was unscathed and my heart was smashed into pieces.

"Yeah he smelled terrible, and he just looked so greasy," Shane said, adding to my petty amusement.

"People have been telling me what whenever I see him, I don't think he smelled that bad when we dated, he just smelled like... Chuck. I liked it."

"What if he smelled terrible the entire time you just never knew it?"

WHAT IF CHUCK WAS STANKY AF THE ENTIRE TIME AND I REALLY JUST DIDNT KNOW IT?

I recalled our second date, when Chuck showed up smelling like B.O. because he ran from the other side of campus to meet me, because he didn't want to be late. He smelled terrible and I still cuddled with him because I had liked him so much.

"Oh my god."

Shane started laughing, uncontrollably.

"He just stank the whole time, and you never knew it."

Holy shit.

And then I thought about it, he definitely stank when we dated, I just never smelled it. But he didn't physically stink (well... At least I don't think he did, he may have), but he stank metaphorically, he just had this glaring problem with him that I ignored because I was in love with (or at least I thought I was). And the glaring problem? He obviously never gave a fuck about me. I'm sure he cared about me at least a little, but he didn't care about me enough, he didn't love me enough, and it was obvious to everyone else, but I just ignored the signs that he stank. The times he was selfish and didn't think of me, the times that he didn't stand up for me, or try to understand why I was upset. The times he was never on my side, and never on my team, and didn't stand by my side- but on the sides of others. The times he showed up late and cancelled dates, the times he didn't think about what I wanted or what I needed. The times he didn't say what I needed to hear,  the times he wasn't there for me, and the times he didn't listen to me. Quite simply, the times that he stank.

And everyone around me probably could tell, they could probably smell it, and all knew that he stank. But I didn't, because I was so madly in love with him. And it took him, throwing me into that ditch, doing the absolute stinkiest thing he could, to make me finally smell him.

The End of Chuck and Blair

“A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead.”
 -Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

-
 
Serena: Hey Chuck! This is Serena, Blair's friend from Minnesota. I was just messaging you to let you know that Blair is going to drop off your belongings off at Yael's. She was also wondering if you could drop off her stuff too...she said that you could feel free to keep the gifts but she would really appreciate her actual belongings back. (You can just drop them off at Yael's too). Thanks in advance! Serena.

Although I had adored Serena for doing this for me (everyone else had pussied out in fear of getting involved or in the middle of Chuck and I....we hadn't talked in five weeks, for God's sake), I couldn't help but laugh. And for a variety of reasons, the first being that Chuck damned well knew who Serena was, he was "Uncle Chuck" to her baby Quinn before we broke up, and also, because Serena is my actual ride or die bitch! The second being that there was no way in fuck that I said things as nicely as she did, especially since I hadn't spoken to his ass in five weeks. And why should I?

With his stupid new haircut, and his stupid new rumored girlfriend, Chuck Cuevas was DEAD to me. Well, he is almost dead to me, until I get my shit back. And I felt proud of myself for doing this. I took the initiative to swap things, and I single-handedly organized it without having to say a damned thing to him. Claps for you, Blair.

I hadn't talked to Chuck for very obvious reasons, the first being that we were in this weird relationship purgatory where we still cared about each other, and ended up cuddling and having sex every time we hung out with each other. The second being that there was no way in hell I was going to let him emotionally drain me like that, because we weren't dating. The third? I was never going to move on with my life, and live a Chuck Cuevas-less life without it. And now is the prime time- we no longer have any mutual friends, and the new friends I've made don't know him as "Chuck Cuevas, who almost/is the love of Blair Bui's life," but "Chuck Cuevas, Blair, why the fuck did you ever date him?"

I had a plan in store, I was going to get my things back, and continue living my life and never talking to Chuck again. Lord knows that he never bothered to try talking to my ass- it had been FIVE WEEKS, and the last thing spoken between us was him letting me down, once again, and then trying to re-cancel it because he's a selfish asshole. After that, I never talked to his ass again.

Sure, there were times when I was tempted to call him and talk to him, but I've gotten so much stronger over it- and things are now crystal clear to me. Also, I'm not going to lie, for someone who claimed they wanted to be alone forever, and told me that if they were ever going to be with someone it would be me, how the hell can you have a rumored girlfriend?

But whatever, that was Chuck's business, and I'm moving on and living my life. But of course, in order to fully close this book, you know, I needed my stuff back.

Blair: Has he still not answered you?
Serena: He hasn't even opened the message yet!

How the hell was I ever going to get my things back?

-

It had been a couple days, and as Yael and I sat there, listening to music, my phone went off.

Chuck: You know, Yael would have been a better messenger. I just read the message from Serena. I'll drop the things off either tonight or tomorrow.

I nearly dropped my phone in shock.

I was mad,

I was furious.

THIS WAS NOT HOW THE PLAN WAS SUPPOSED TO GO.

CHUCK, being the one who never cares about anything or anyone, was just supposed to do one of two things-

1. Read the message and ignore Serena, but drop off the things at Yael's knowing that I would know to pick up my things eventually.
2. Politely answer the message, and drop off the things at Yael's knowing that I would know to pick up my things eventually.

NO WHERE IN THAT PLAN WAS CHUCK SUPPOSED TO SEND ME A GODDAMN MESSAGE BITCHING ABOUT MY CHOICE OF MESSENGER.

Serena: I think I was a fine messenger. THANK YOU VERY MUCH CHUCK.

Blair: I can't believe this is the end and that he didn't try to talk to me ONCE FOR FIVE WEEKS UNTIL I ASKED FOR MY FUCKING SHIT BACK.

I took a deep breath, and then politely excused myself to go home.

"Blair, whatever you do, don't go to his place and knock on the door and yell at him," Yael said, as I walked out.

"I won't, I promise," I nodded, as I walked out.

"Blair, I'm serious, you're going to get off on the second floor and be like, 'THIS BITCH!'"

And I'm not going to lie, I did get off on the second floor, and said to myself, "THIS BITCH."

I thought for one brief moment, of walking to his door, and knocking on it, and arguing all night. And I thought for many brief moments on my ride back to my apartment, of messaging him back, and arguing all night.

Here's the truth about people- when you really don't give a fuck about someone, and you really don't care about someone, you don't respond to them. Because guess what- you don't care, and you don't even notice. But when you do care about someone, that's when you respond. That's why Allie screamed back at Noah in The Notebook. But the response, you see, is how you differentiate how they feel about you. When I responded to Johnson, it's because I thought he was a goddamn idiot. But when I responded to Chuck all those times in my blog, and spent the night, and kissed him on the shoulder, that was because I loved him. 

And so, this asshole, sending me this message, criticizing that I had sent my friend, sliding that little piece of shade in there. It reeked of last call, just like the time I gave Chuck his last call.

And as I walked home, nearly crying, and wondering if I was crazy for interpreting this like that, or for even wondering, I realized something.

There are so many things that I've learned about love, and so many lessons that I've learned about relationships. And as the rain hit my floral print umbrella and my flats got wet, each one of them popped up in my brain. But there's three, three valuable lessons that have been embedded in my brain, that made me put my phone away, and forget about talking to Chuck, ever again.

1. If you really love someone, you would do anything for them. In a last attempt to be with Chuck, I wrote this epic saga detailing how we met until how we broke up. It was ridiculously stupid, tremendously desperate, and utterly romantic. And I stayed up late writing this, and cried so many tears, and it... I put everything into it. When Chuck and I were going on our second date, he was a two miles away on the other side of campus, and I was in the lobby of his building. I was so mad, and he was so worried that he ran from one side of campus to the other to meet with me. People do crazy things when they care about people. So, the fact that he went five weeks without even an attempt? No-go.
2. Never forget what you deserve. There's a difference between what you deserve and what you want. Sure, I could have stayed with Chuck and been in a relationship where he broke up with me spontaneously on his whim, and didn't try hard enough. Where he was too scared to say anything and did things too damn late. But do I deserve to be dragged around emotionally and to be kept around without a title? No. I deserve someone who loves me, and who gives a fuck.
3. I did not climb out of the ditch he threw me in, and climb the mountain to get over him, for this. I didn't work my ass off, and go through hell and back for this. I didn't go through all of this, just to be with him again. Just to let him back in my life, as if nothing happened. Because that would be disrespectful to myself.

Wondering

“Let me tell ya. You gotta pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back... I'm telling you.” 

-Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

 -

I shook out my hair from the headband, and then looked in the mirror, to absolute terror. I was mad, justifying it to myself, "Pinterest TOLD me that it would be beautiful Blair Waldorf curls, not THIS!" My hair had coagulated into little lumps and twists, and this was not what to deal with.

I took a deep sigh, ran my fingers through my hair, sprayed some sea salt spray and scrunched it, and shook it out."Good vibes, Blair, good vibes. Let nothing affect your boss ass bitch-ness."

I was proud of myself, it had been officially FOUR (almost five) weeks since I had any contact with Chuck, and I was finally closing that chapter of my life. I told Yael to get my stuff back from Chuck, and I had his stuff boxed up in my apartment, for Chuck to get from Yael's place later this week. For the longest time I couldn't imagine a life without Chuck Crazy-Ass Cuevas, and now it was my reality- my sweet, sweet reality.

And not even a bad hair day could knock me down.

 I was focusing on myself, and had made a lot of really great friends in the process. I was taking on bigger projects at work, and I was kicking ass. I secretly couldn't wait until my presentation on chromosomal inheritance, because I knew I was going to kick that in the ass too.

I had been eating better, and gotten myself out of my lazy makeup slump- today I was rocking a rose gold eye (with perfect liner, may I add), and the perfect lipstick shade for me- a natural mauve-y lip. 

And the best part about all of this? I was doing it for no one else except for ME. ME! I was trying to have good vibes, be a boss ass bitch, and just be happy and spontaneous. I wasn't trying to do it to spite Chuck, and I wasn't wasting my energy on dead relationships, toxic peers, or man boy-child fuck boys, I was putting this energy forwards good. I mean yeah, some nights I ate butternut Mac and cheese and watched It's Always Sunny on Netflix, but it didn't matter, because it was liberating to just live my fucking life.

And even though this was happening, I wasn't going to pretend like I didn't secretly want Derek to ask me out. Kind of sort of, just a bit though. Or kind of sort of just a lot. Maybe.

"Why hasn't he asked me out?" I wondered to myself, as I walked down the pavement. The Chicago winds blew at me, and I instantly felt chilly. "Fuck, why is it so cold?" I stopped next to a big, bulky stone bench, and threw my bag on the bench.

A big, navy patterned tote with light tan accents and straps. It was filled with lipsticks, my Kate Spade planner, paperwork, and pens of assorted colors. I threw on my green jacket, picked up my massive bag, and as I thought I saw someone I didn't want to see for a brief second, I smashed my shin straight into the (literally) rock-hard bench. 

"F-" I suddenly stopped, and looked around to see the crowd of people around me. I took a deep breath, gained my composure, and pretended like my right frontal calf and shin weren't swelling up like a balloon. I pretended like I didn't have a care in the world, and that I didn't feel like sitting flat down on the ground and taking a Lyft two blocks to my next class. With every step, and pretend okay-ness I faked, it hurt like a bitch, and I knew underneath my dark wash skinnys there would be blood, along with purple and yellow.

I somehow managed to make it to grab some lunch, and then went home to ice my shin with frozen vegetables. It was red-hot from the swelling and bloody from the collision. But the ice made the bruises disappear (somewhat), leaving only a faint yellow outline of what disaster could have appeared. But even though that happened, and I was stuck in bed, I couldn't help but laugh and smile because I might have, possibly, maybe had a crush.

-

Three years ago, when I was seventeen and fresh out of the suburbs, I went to college orientation and that little bit of freedom was just the starting point of how I became the independent, sassy, brazen, and ridiculous young lady you all know today. I had never kissed a boy before, hell, I didn't even have a ~real~ boyfriend yet. I had no dates for any of the dances in high school, and had been perpetually alone.

There was no sign of me losing my virginity any time soon, and it didn't matter because I thought it was going to be life changing and with someone extremely special to me (spoiler alert- none of those happened, I was sexually assaulted). I won't go into terrible detail about orientation, mostly because I've forgotten a lot about my past (and don't care to relive it), but I'll fast forward to the part where one of the most magical nights of my entire life began.

My roommate and I were going to check out the party that the orientation leaders threw for us that night- her name was Kameryn and she had the vibe of a cool girl who had a typical name that was spelled completely like the world expected it to be. She effortlessly threw on this yellow tube top, skinny jeans, and heeled boots. I ended up wearing a casual dark purple flowy tank top a la Cece from New Girl, dark wash skinny jeans, and strappy sandals. My hair was pin straight, as that was how I always wore it during that time (I didn't learn about the magic of a curling iron until my sophomore year).

We walked into the party, and it was honestly, the lamest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. The lights were all on, all the orientation leaders stood around the perimeter in their red polos and tan khakis, and the music was playing as people stood awkwardly and one kid danced in the center. We walked in, and then immediately walked out. "I want flaming hot Cheetos," I said, as I walked out. I turned to the vending machine, and my choice, and then plucked the bag out of the bottom of the machine.

"You didn't have fun at that party?" a voice asked, as I got up and turned to look at him.

He stood there, hair perfectly combed over to one side of his head, green plaid button down with the sleeves perfectly folded up, he had on cords and navy boat shoes. He looked like he was hand-picked from a J.Crew catalog just for me.

"No, it sucks, why did you guys?" I asked, with a bit of attitude. It was a bit of sass, but I had never acted this freely before.

"No, we went in and walked right out." I hadn't even noticed his two friends were there, until now. They were both tall, athletic, and honestly, kind of looked like douche bags. I only really name people if they're relevant (lol Johnson didn't even get a name until he interrogated me for twenty blocks!), so we'll coin them Jock #1 and Jock #2, all you really need to know about them is that they both wanted to bang Kameryn.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but I'll never forget how I felt that night. I was liberated and free, and I definitely never forgot how he made feel.

He was sweet and funny, intelligent and witty. We snuck out after curfew (....I know, curfew at college orientation??) and we all ran around the halls of the residence halls and laughed and talked all night. I remember when we played hide and seek, and walked through the dark, he tickled my sides and it made me laugh, you know, after I screamed bloody murder because we were in the dark. For one night, he was my person, and it was like I had never talked to another boy before in my entire life.

But one thing I remember, clearer than ever was when reality hit.

"I think Kam and Jock #1 are in our room right now," I said, laughing. We were sitting on Derek's bed, just the two of us. I felt my heart beat, and thought to myself,

"Blair, you're about to have your first kiss, this is going to happen."

Our legs touched in the most innocent of ways, and we sat together, talking. "You could just, you know, stay over here," he said, politely.

I have been asked plenty of times to stay over at a guy's place in my life, and even now, three years from that moment, I have never had someone ask me, with the sweetest, but romantic, intention that Derek had that night. I knew he was asking me, not to have sex with me, or fuck me, but because he wanted me to stay. I leaned in for a brief second, to say something, when suddenly, the door opened.

Casper crab walked into the room, like a little creature slithering across the floor. I to this day don't know how he managed to open the door and simultaneously crab walk slither into that dorm room. 

"Who's Alessandra Torres?" He asked Derek, as I started to feel a gut feeling in my stomach.

"I added you on Facebook." I turned to look at Derek, both of us waiting for an answer. He took a deep breath, and then answered.

"My girlfriend." I excused myself to use the bathroom, and walked down the hall outside to find the women's bathroom. I got into the stall, and as soon as I did, the door opened and someone walked in. The lights in the bathroom were dim, and there was no one else around for like a twenty foot radius.

"Fuck, it's only my first night at college and I'm about to get killed," I thought to myself.

"YO BLAIR, it's Casper"

"Fuck, it's only my first night at college and I'm about to get raped," I thought to myself. In retrospect, this was very stupid of me to think, and joke about, but I was only seventeen! And I had just left the suburbs. He peed, and then he waited right outside of my stall as I peed. Literally, my seventeen year old mind could not comprehend what the actual fuck was up with him, but my twenty year old mind thinks that this kid was definitely on drugs.

"Blair, you took the longest piss I've ever heard in my entire life, yo!" The rest of the night ended a little after that, I was cordial with Derek, although broken-hearted. The rest of the story didn't end up with me being too broken-hearted, though.

The next day, as we all left orientation, I walked out to the quad to see him standing right in the center.

"Hey, are you leaving orientation?" I asked, stupidly.

"Yeah, I'm heading out, but maybe I'll see you around?"

"Maybe," I said, awkwardly. He looked at me, and then pulled me in to a hug. And I stood there, hugging this guy, as we said goodbye, and never saw each other again.

-

"I can't believe you're having him do this, he definitely can get fired for this," Willa said, as we stood at the main desk of the residence hall.

I had recently started collecting something pretty strange... I had started to collect a door decoration from every guy that I had hooked up with or liked in college (hooked up as in made out with, I was very much a virgin still). It was my freshman year, and I had almost forgotten that Derek even existed.

"Don't worry about it," Derek said, "I won't get caught." He looked through the rosters for the residence halls to see where Derek was staying, and what his room number was.

"Found him! He lives in Courtyard."

The next day, I snuck into the residence hall that Derek lived in, like a little stalker lady. I tip-toed in my black leggings and black ballet flats, and silently walked down the hall, to find the room number written on the piece of paper.

"What if you just knock on the door?" I thought to myself. I lifted my hand, and then put it down.

-

"I can't believe that happened," my friend said, as I sat at the front desk. "Yup, and then I never saw him again," I said, although I knew exactly what they were going to ask me next. "But you're with Chuck now, you guys have been dating for like-"

"Half a year," I said, interrupting him.

I had been dating Chuck for exactly six months, but it didn't stop me from wondering what Derek was up to. It wasn't me wondering what had happened in a terrible way or anything, but it was me wondering what could have happened if I had chosen another path.

There are certain people in your life that will make you wonder what could've happened, and if you let any moments pass you by. You could be like Chuck, and pretend like wondering these things will stop you from moving on, or you can wonder if things could have turned out differently or if you would be in a different place. There's nothing wrong with wondering, although the feelings that wondering may bring up could be a little bit dangerous.

-

And then, three years later, as I scrolled through Facebook, that's exactly who I found, sitting right there, under my suggested friends. Derek.