A Dry Brunch

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind."

-Henry James

-

"Don't walk towards me," I said, putting my hand out. "We're going the opposite direction and having you walk towards me freaks me out." Johnson looked at me, blankly, and started walking.

Shane asked me why I was getting brunch with Johnson. And I had told him simply that I wanted to get brunch, and that Johnson wasn't that terrible. We were friends, you know, besides the fact that he annoyed the living hell out of me and followed me for twenty blocks and interrogated me on why I wasnt attracted to him. But that's irrelevant, because I wanted brunch.

"I don't understand this menu," Johnson said, squinting at the rustic papered menu. We had ended up going to a cute Italian place for brunch.

"There's English underneath the Italian," I said, annoyed. I looked into my bag, and then realized, after some rummaging, that I had forgotten my id. Fuck. No bloody marys, or mimosas for me- I was going to have to be sober.

"I don't understand the English- what's a foh-cak-chuh?"

I looked back at him, and responded, exasperatedly, "Foccacia. It's a type of bread."

"Oo oh I'm sorry, I don't know what fancy bread is."

"You're just like that Neanderthal, Ted." He was. He and Ted were in the same club where they both thought that they were amazingly stupendous. If I had told Ted the truth that I thought he was an idiot and was completely unattractive to him, I'm sure he would have followed me twenty blocks asking why I didn't like him and wasn't attracted to him.

"The guy you dumped because he didn't know what a painting was?"

I held on to my fork, nearly snapping it in half, out of irritation. Holy smokes this kid was annoying.

"I didn't dump Ted because he didn't know what a SEURAT was, I dumped him because I had no chemistry with him, he was a Neanderthal and incapable of having intelligent conversation, he was weird, and he was terrible at sex, AND I WASN'T ATTRACTED TO HIM." I honestly thought that after the whole twenty blocks thing that Johnson would have grown the fuck up and gotten over it. Okay, not honestly thought, but I maybe thought he would have gotten over it. But he had found himself as a vigilante for the poor, suffering men that the tyrannical and villainous Blair Bui had rejected.

Our waitress tried to say that the food was shared plates, and I completely ignored Johnson, because there was no way I was going to test my patience by attempting to share food with that idiot. He ate off my plates and when we got sushi on our second date (which should've been the last) he ate my leftover half eaten rice piece from a sushi roll. EW.

"I'm getting two plates." I said, ignoring him.

"Why do you get two plates if I only get one?" I looked at him, annoyed.

"Because I'm getting my own plates."

As soon as my garlic roasted Parmesan potatoes hit the table, I salivated. I paused for a moment, and reached into my fuchsia Kate Spade to pull out my beaded cased phone. I pulled up Snapchat, held it to my potatoes... and then nearly dropped my phone, as Johnson had stabbed his fork into MY POTATOES, as I was about to take a Snapchat. My potatoes which I had paid $6 for in this boujie Italian place, FOR MYSELF. My potatoes which I had not even tasted or taken a bite of, or even offer to this jackass. MY POTATOES THAT I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF PHOTOGRAPHING THAT HE JUST STUCK HIS DAMN FORK IN.

I looked at him, with murder in my eyes, and he stared back, blankly. He stared back so blankly, as if he was incapable of even thinking a simple thought, as if someone had scraped all the brain cells out of his cranium.

"Can I have some?" He asked, completely oblivious to how annoying he was. I don't know why he thought it was remotely okay or appropriate considering the circumstances.

"Just. Take. It. You already stuck your fork in it." I moved my phone over, cropping his lousy ass out of my picture.

A small, minor detail in the twenty block interrogation that Johnson committed was that when he asked me what annoyed me about him, I mentioned that he's absolutely disgusting and a pig with table manners. I'm not someone who can't share food, I split food with my friends all the time. I used to order an entree with Chuck that we both liked, and he'd order an entree that I liked as well, and we used to split the entrees. I don't have a problem sharing food, I'll often share food that I order with coworkers or loved ones.

BUT JOHNSON BAKER, HELL FUCKING NO. Johnson Baker is disgusting and randomly will eat food off people's plates, thinking that he is cute and flirtatious. Johnson Baker ate the nori and rice that was smashed together after I pulled out the inside of a sushi roll, thinking that he was flirting with me. Johnson Baker randomly eats off people's plates without fucking asking and its gross and rude, because he is actually gross and no one would want him around their food.

The coffee additives were nestled on a silver tray, and in a little cup were thin paper tubes of assorted colors, next to a little tiny silver pitcher of creamer. Johnson took a brown tube out, and opened it.

"I was going to put this on my eggs but it's sugar! Why is this sugar?"

I gripped my fork, and took a deep breath. In retrospect, I was kind of a bitch, and a little bit mean (I actually feel quite mean writing this now), but he was so freaking annoying. I was going to end up on Snapped- Girl Stabs Brunch Companion with Fork.

"It's because sugar is in those pouches."

"No sugar is in the white pouches."

"It's in the brown pouches too," I said, trying to be polite.

"But sugar's white."

I took a deep breath.

"Granulated white sugar is in the white pouches, brown pouches have the cane sugar, pink has the artificial sweetener."

"Oh."

"My pancakes are very good," I said, attempting to change the conversation, as Johnson was starting to annoy me. It wasn't just the fact that I was mean, it was Johnson himself. Johnson was conceited and thought that he was so amazingly spectacular and he irritated me to be around. He spent a good chunk of brunch talking about how he didn't want to meet up with a girl because he was under the impression that she really wanted to date him (spoiler alert- he seems to be under the impression that every girl wants  to date him."

He reached his fork torwards my pancakes, and I looked at him, annoyed.

"STOP." I said, stopping his fork. I didn't want his Johnson-ness on my pancakes. I cut out a perfect rectangular piece and placed it on his plate.

"There.From what I could tell, I realized that my friendship with Johnson was going to- and truthfully needed to end. Before I ended up on Snapped. It made me chuckle that it took me all this time to realize that, and that I didn't come to this conclusion after he had followed me for twenty blocks, but after he annoyed me at brunch.