That Was A Pity

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
-Alexander Pope

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As I laid there, awkwardly somewhat cuddling with Derek, I was brainstorming ways to leave, or basically, ways to chicken out and get the fuck outta there.

1. Pretend to fall asleep later, and then sneak out.
2. Get dressed hella quick, and then throw everything in your Kate Spade, then run out the door.
3. Go to the bathroom, and climb out the window.
4. Have Shane/Kayresia/Serena call you, pretending that there is an emergency that needs your help
5. Pretend to start crying, and say that you still have feelings for Chuck and that you love him

None of them were viable options.

"We should get to bed soon," Derek said, as he kissed my shoulder and pulled me in closer. I awkwardly wiggled my ass from our spooning, and reached for my shirt.

"It's getting late, I probably should be heading home soon, I work in the morning." I grabbed my skinny jeans (which made my butt look phenomenal), and pulled them on.

"Should I plan an adventure for Thursday or is this it?" Derek asked me, awkwardly.

I was floored that he had straight up asked me this, and completely shocked. Was he really going to do this right now? I literally was trying to put on my clothes and leave! My friends always joke that I have become very stereotypical male about dating- I think this was reinforced by the act that I was contemplating sneaking out earlier when he was sleeping, and that I was now trying to weasel my way out of having to spend the night.

Derek looked at me expectantly, like a middle schooler asking her crush to the school dance. I felt the guilt, and even more, I felt awkward.

"Um, I don't know..." It just came out, and it was very poorly said. In this moment, I really contemplated running out the door barefoot, and throwing my shoes and coat into my Kate Spade bag.

There wasn't anything obviously wrong with him, any glaring problems. There was just no fire, no spark, no.... attraction. Something was missing, and I just didn't feel it. And then, when we were hooking up, I definitely wasn't feeling it (not just because he went um, flat...), although it started off okay, it fell flat. And it wasn't his fault- I just didn't feel it.

It wasn't even me being shallow- Derek was really cute and really nice! I just didn't feel something. And I know I'm capable of it, because I felt it with Chuck Cuevas, that ass.

I remember I liked Chuck so much, and I was so convinced that he wasn't, um, well skilled or well endowed, that I gave myself a pep talk before he came over to be intimate.

"It's okay, Blair, if he's not that good, you really, really like him." I literally told myself that before anything happened- because I had liked him that much!

And with Derek, it was just.... a horribly awkward experience and the fact that k just wanted to run away, reminded me that I did not like him.

"I think I deserve another chance," he admitted, as he looked at me, expectantly.

"Uh, with the sex or with the date?" I asked, awkwardly. I was hoping that he just wanted another shot at...that, because then I wouldn't feel bad at all! Does that make me a terrible person

"Please have him just want to hook up with me, please don't have him like me," I told myself.

I know what you're thinking, "BLAIR BUI, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? A nice, sweet young man wants to date you, and you're secretly hoping that he only wants to bang you, so that you can dump him without feeling bad??" I know it sounds really terrible, I know, but think about how easy it is to reject a guy who's trying to tap you- it's SO easy. It's so easy, that you never remember them, and you laugh it off. Like that guy who asked me out in Target!

Because you remember the really, really nice guys, that you have to let down, because you remember how awkward you felt, and how nice they were. And you remember how you kinda wished that you were attracted to them so that it wouldn't have to happen- except you don't, because you really don't want to date them.

"Both."

Oh shit.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's dumping people. I was too chicken to dump Ted earlier this semester that I chickened out and told him that I still had feelings for Chuck. My freshman year, my cop-out excuse was always. "I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend."

When it came time to dump Johnson, I felt so bad at that time (now looking back, I don't at all and wished I hadn't), that I had ZAYN dump him for me. ZAYN. I literally sat there while Zayn was having the break up conversation with Johnson for me, on my phone!

When it came to Zayn, I was so awkward that I avoided him and didn't talk to him for a while (aka, a month) before I finally fessed up that he had traumatized me and that I was so incredibly weirded out.

And finally, with Chuck, when I decided to never talk to him again, that's simply what I did. One day I made that decision and simply just never talked to him again- and he didn't miss me apparently, because he didn't say anything! You know, until I asked for my stuff back.

I don't know how I did this, and I really wish I remembered, but somehow we managed to stop talking about things and he called me an Uber. I was completely home free, and about to sprint across his lawn, when Derek decided he was going to walk me to the car.... and open the door for me... and then, finally, the cherry on top of an awkward date, he awkwardly kissed me good bye. And then I slammed the door closed.

"Can we please drive away now?" I asked the Uber, turning away from the window. "That was such a terrible date."

"Really? I was just about to say that was so cute!"

I spilled everything to the uber driver, I poured out everything, from Chuck and I breaking up, to how I took a break from dating ever since the Zayn thing, and then finally, the terribly awkward details about that night.

"That boy really likes you. you can tell he does. He's probably thinking about you right now," he said, as he turned on to another street. "He even completed the date, he called you an Uber, walked you out, opened the door, kissed you goodbye- and oh, that was a pity smooch!"

"I know" I said, hiding behind my scarf. "I feel so awkward and so terrible!"

"Don't, little lady, because it happens with dating. It's not your fault, you just don't feel the spark with some people. And don't you ever settle for less than that spark, I know what you're looking for, you're looking for that magic."

And it was what I was looking for. I used to be so frustrated whenever I met a guy that was nice, but I didn't feel sparks with, because I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like it was because I was being too picky or something- but I wasn't, I just didn't feel anything. And I didn't realize it until I took my break, but finding someone you have that fire with, it's not an easy thing

"I am!"

"And all you could have done was give that boy a chance, which you did. So just be gentle, and let him down easy," he said, as he pulled up to my apartment building. "So be kind."

It was something that I was learning how to do, slowly but surely. And I knew even though it might stink, I had to tell Derek the absolute truth. I had been in his situation- totally and utterly excited about someone.

There was a point about a month ago when Jason and I were supposed to go on a date- I was totally secretly excited, and he basically didn't talk to me the entire week until the night before, when he late night texted me that he "didn't have time to cultivate anything romantic." I was fine, of course, but obviously kind of annoyed that he didn't say anything up front, but waited a week to say something! I brushed it off, and ignored it, and then drunkenly threw myself at a College of Medicine after drinking Schmidt's pitcher of beer. BUT ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The point is he should have been honest from the start- because avoiding people, or trying to sneak away isn't very kind.

And it was a lesson that I was still learning (although I would like to add that I'm much kinder than Jason is).

I got a text from Derek, when I got home. I ignored it, and then went upstairs to have a nice, cold beer. Shane had some Busch in his fridge, and I drank it as I told him everything that happened.

"So, you don't like another guy, it happens," Shane said, as he played his Xbox.

I took another sip of my beer, and nodded. "I know, and it happens a lot- but I'm not going to feel bad, and I'm not going to freak out, not that I would. Because this kind of stuff happens, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that something special."

My phone suddenly went off again, and then I peeked to see what was waiting for me.

Derek: Hey how was the uber? Worthy of 5 stars?haha 
Derek: I had a great time despite my difficulties at the end haha i hope you did too, if your still down for another adventure on thursday id love to try again and show you an even better time! 

I wish I was a nice person, and responded to him at three in the morning, but I waited until the next morning, before I texted Derek back.

Blair: You're a great guy and it was nice seeing you again, and yeah it was nice to catch up, but there was just... Something missing. And what happened kind of solidified that. It's not your fault or anything, I'm just missing that spark 
Derek: Yea I agree there was something missing but I still think this is worth one more try. I mean you went on three dates with the weird guy who ate off your plate right?

(Sorry to interrupt but can we take a moment to laugh at how Johnson is known? Okay, okay)

Derek: haha plus like you said you had such high hopes for me after 3 years. If we give it another try I have a feeling I wont dissapoint you again 
Blair: I don't think it's worth trying if neither of us is really feeling it- I think it's best.

I think I'm gonna stick to sitting in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy, and eating hummus.