Delightfully Chaotic

"She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure."
-Steve Maraboli

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As things get more and more serious with Ted, I have this nervous feeling that there's something wrong with me. You know, except for the whole unabashedly sassy thing. And the whole terrible expressing how I feel thing. And you know, all the romantic entanglements that I've found myself in. I feel like I'm an absolute mess, but then, the universe tells me that it's okay- because I've only been seeing Ted for a bit over a week.

I've been thinking about Chuck too, not in a crazy obsessive ex way, but in a curious kind of way. He's so incredibly cryptic and mysterious that I have no idea how he is, but truthfully, I hope he's okay. I know that most people who get thrown into a ditch by their ex boyfriends normally laugh, say, "FUCK HIM," and never think of him again, but I can't help but wonder. I've moved on with my life, and of course, I crawled out of the hole he threw me in, and pulled myself together, but I would hate for him to be a mess. I genuinely would. I think it's because of his fragile psychological state, and everything that's been going on with him, but I want him to survive, just like I did.

I used to wonder if I would ever love someone as much as I loved Chuck, but then I realized that there is (and also, that he is definitely not Chuck Cuevas), I just don't know if it's Ted.

In dating Ted, I have been extremely calm, and very chill. And any other girl in my situation would very much have no chill. They would be jumping off the walls, swooning over the romantic gestures and having their heart melt into cellular sludge.

Whenever Casey talks about Wally, her eyes get wide and they shine a little brighter, you can tell that her heart is beating faster and faster, and her face lights up as if she's seen the most amazing thing in the world. She laughs and she smiles, and her cheeks get involuntarily rosy. And she is just so incredibly happy. And I remember when I would get that happy.

The last time I ever got that happy was with Louis, the last time I involuntarily smiled and laughed and giggled embarrassingly. The last time my heart beat that fast and I smiled that much, and the last time that I felt like my heart could someday love again, after the tragic break up that Chuck and I went through. I know that Louis is cocky, and terrible, but there was just something about him, that made my heart beat faster and made me believe in love. And I genuinely saw potential in him, potential that I'm not one hundred percent sure that I could see in Ted.

There's just something about Louis, this feeling that I can't explain that comes out whenever the two of us are together. A fire that burns, a force between us that overwhelms me, but it's something that I cannot deny is there. I felt it the other day when the two of us went to buy alcohol, and I felt it today when the two of us were working on homework together.

It's totally irrational, totally crazy, and totally insane. And I kinda, sorta love it.

It's this fiery, crazy, confusing force between us and it's something I haven't felt- and it's not like I don't feel something for Ted, it's just that the feelings I have for Ted and the feelings I have for Louis are completely different.

And it's one hundred percent tearing me apart.

I'm never like this, I'm never this insane and chaotic. So I have no idea why this is happening or why I feel like this. And it's totally freaking me out.