Wondering

“Let me tell ya. You gotta pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back... I'm telling you.” 

-Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

 -

I shook out my hair from the headband, and then looked in the mirror, to absolute terror. I was mad, justifying it to myself, "Pinterest TOLD me that it would be beautiful Blair Waldorf curls, not THIS!" My hair had coagulated into little lumps and twists, and this was not what to deal with.

I took a deep sigh, ran my fingers through my hair, sprayed some sea salt spray and scrunched it, and shook it out."Good vibes, Blair, good vibes. Let nothing affect your boss ass bitch-ness."

I was proud of myself, it had been officially FOUR (almost five) weeks since I had any contact with Chuck, and I was finally closing that chapter of my life. I told Yael to get my stuff back from Chuck, and I had his stuff boxed up in my apartment, for Chuck to get from Yael's place later this week. For the longest time I couldn't imagine a life without Chuck Crazy-Ass Cuevas, and now it was my reality- my sweet, sweet reality.

And not even a bad hair day could knock me down.

 I was focusing on myself, and had made a lot of really great friends in the process. I was taking on bigger projects at work, and I was kicking ass. I secretly couldn't wait until my presentation on chromosomal inheritance, because I knew I was going to kick that in the ass too.

I had been eating better, and gotten myself out of my lazy makeup slump- today I was rocking a rose gold eye (with perfect liner, may I add), and the perfect lipstick shade for me- a natural mauve-y lip. 

And the best part about all of this? I was doing it for no one else except for ME. ME! I was trying to have good vibes, be a boss ass bitch, and just be happy and spontaneous. I wasn't trying to do it to spite Chuck, and I wasn't wasting my energy on dead relationships, toxic peers, or man boy-child fuck boys, I was putting this energy forwards good. I mean yeah, some nights I ate butternut Mac and cheese and watched It's Always Sunny on Netflix, but it didn't matter, because it was liberating to just live my fucking life.

And even though this was happening, I wasn't going to pretend like I didn't secretly want Derek to ask me out. Kind of sort of, just a bit though. Or kind of sort of just a lot. Maybe.

"Why hasn't he asked me out?" I wondered to myself, as I walked down the pavement. The Chicago winds blew at me, and I instantly felt chilly. "Fuck, why is it so cold?" I stopped next to a big, bulky stone bench, and threw my bag on the bench.

A big, navy patterned tote with light tan accents and straps. It was filled with lipsticks, my Kate Spade planner, paperwork, and pens of assorted colors. I threw on my green jacket, picked up my massive bag, and as I thought I saw someone I didn't want to see for a brief second, I smashed my shin straight into the (literally) rock-hard bench. 

"F-" I suddenly stopped, and looked around to see the crowd of people around me. I took a deep breath, gained my composure, and pretended like my right frontal calf and shin weren't swelling up like a balloon. I pretended like I didn't have a care in the world, and that I didn't feel like sitting flat down on the ground and taking a Lyft two blocks to my next class. With every step, and pretend okay-ness I faked, it hurt like a bitch, and I knew underneath my dark wash skinnys there would be blood, along with purple and yellow.

I somehow managed to make it to grab some lunch, and then went home to ice my shin with frozen vegetables. It was red-hot from the swelling and bloody from the collision. But the ice made the bruises disappear (somewhat), leaving only a faint yellow outline of what disaster could have appeared. But even though that happened, and I was stuck in bed, I couldn't help but laugh and smile because I might have, possibly, maybe had a crush.

-

Three years ago, when I was seventeen and fresh out of the suburbs, I went to college orientation and that little bit of freedom was just the starting point of how I became the independent, sassy, brazen, and ridiculous young lady you all know today. I had never kissed a boy before, hell, I didn't even have a ~real~ boyfriend yet. I had no dates for any of the dances in high school, and had been perpetually alone.

There was no sign of me losing my virginity any time soon, and it didn't matter because I thought it was going to be life changing and with someone extremely special to me (spoiler alert- none of those happened, I was sexually assaulted). I won't go into terrible detail about orientation, mostly because I've forgotten a lot about my past (and don't care to relive it), but I'll fast forward to the part where one of the most magical nights of my entire life began.

My roommate and I were going to check out the party that the orientation leaders threw for us that night- her name was Kameryn and she had the vibe of a cool girl who had a typical name that was spelled completely like the world expected it to be. She effortlessly threw on this yellow tube top, skinny jeans, and heeled boots. I ended up wearing a casual dark purple flowy tank top a la Cece from New Girl, dark wash skinny jeans, and strappy sandals. My hair was pin straight, as that was how I always wore it during that time (I didn't learn about the magic of a curling iron until my sophomore year).

We walked into the party, and it was honestly, the lamest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. The lights were all on, all the orientation leaders stood around the perimeter in their red polos and tan khakis, and the music was playing as people stood awkwardly and one kid danced in the center. We walked in, and then immediately walked out. "I want flaming hot Cheetos," I said, as I walked out. I turned to the vending machine, and my choice, and then plucked the bag out of the bottom of the machine.

"You didn't have fun at that party?" a voice asked, as I got up and turned to look at him.

He stood there, hair perfectly combed over to one side of his head, green plaid button down with the sleeves perfectly folded up, he had on cords and navy boat shoes. He looked like he was hand-picked from a J.Crew catalog just for me.

"No, it sucks, why did you guys?" I asked, with a bit of attitude. It was a bit of sass, but I had never acted this freely before.

"No, we went in and walked right out." I hadn't even noticed his two friends were there, until now. They were both tall, athletic, and honestly, kind of looked like douche bags. I only really name people if they're relevant (lol Johnson didn't even get a name until he interrogated me for twenty blocks!), so we'll coin them Jock #1 and Jock #2, all you really need to know about them is that they both wanted to bang Kameryn.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but I'll never forget how I felt that night. I was liberated and free, and I definitely never forgot how he made feel.

He was sweet and funny, intelligent and witty. We snuck out after curfew (....I know, curfew at college orientation??) and we all ran around the halls of the residence halls and laughed and talked all night. I remember when we played hide and seek, and walked through the dark, he tickled my sides and it made me laugh, you know, after I screamed bloody murder because we were in the dark. For one night, he was my person, and it was like I had never talked to another boy before in my entire life.

But one thing I remember, clearer than ever was when reality hit.

"I think Kam and Jock #1 are in our room right now," I said, laughing. We were sitting on Derek's bed, just the two of us. I felt my heart beat, and thought to myself,

"Blair, you're about to have your first kiss, this is going to happen."

Our legs touched in the most innocent of ways, and we sat together, talking. "You could just, you know, stay over here," he said, politely.

I have been asked plenty of times to stay over at a guy's place in my life, and even now, three years from that moment, I have never had someone ask me, with the sweetest, but romantic, intention that Derek had that night. I knew he was asking me, not to have sex with me, or fuck me, but because he wanted me to stay. I leaned in for a brief second, to say something, when suddenly, the door opened.

Casper crab walked into the room, like a little creature slithering across the floor. I to this day don't know how he managed to open the door and simultaneously crab walk slither into that dorm room. 

"Who's Alessandra Torres?" He asked Derek, as I started to feel a gut feeling in my stomach.

"I added you on Facebook." I turned to look at Derek, both of us waiting for an answer. He took a deep breath, and then answered.

"My girlfriend." I excused myself to use the bathroom, and walked down the hall outside to find the women's bathroom. I got into the stall, and as soon as I did, the door opened and someone walked in. The lights in the bathroom were dim, and there was no one else around for like a twenty foot radius.

"Fuck, it's only my first night at college and I'm about to get killed," I thought to myself.

"YO BLAIR, it's Casper"

"Fuck, it's only my first night at college and I'm about to get raped," I thought to myself. In retrospect, this was very stupid of me to think, and joke about, but I was only seventeen! And I had just left the suburbs. He peed, and then he waited right outside of my stall as I peed. Literally, my seventeen year old mind could not comprehend what the actual fuck was up with him, but my twenty year old mind thinks that this kid was definitely on drugs.

"Blair, you took the longest piss I've ever heard in my entire life, yo!" The rest of the night ended a little after that, I was cordial with Derek, although broken-hearted. The rest of the story didn't end up with me being too broken-hearted, though.

The next day, as we all left orientation, I walked out to the quad to see him standing right in the center.

"Hey, are you leaving orientation?" I asked, stupidly.

"Yeah, I'm heading out, but maybe I'll see you around?"

"Maybe," I said, awkwardly. He looked at me, and then pulled me in to a hug. And I stood there, hugging this guy, as we said goodbye, and never saw each other again.

-

"I can't believe you're having him do this, he definitely can get fired for this," Willa said, as we stood at the main desk of the residence hall.

I had recently started collecting something pretty strange... I had started to collect a door decoration from every guy that I had hooked up with or liked in college (hooked up as in made out with, I was very much a virgin still). It was my freshman year, and I had almost forgotten that Derek even existed.

"Don't worry about it," Derek said, "I won't get caught." He looked through the rosters for the residence halls to see where Derek was staying, and what his room number was.

"Found him! He lives in Courtyard."

The next day, I snuck into the residence hall that Derek lived in, like a little stalker lady. I tip-toed in my black leggings and black ballet flats, and silently walked down the hall, to find the room number written on the piece of paper.

"What if you just knock on the door?" I thought to myself. I lifted my hand, and then put it down.

-

"I can't believe that happened," my friend said, as I sat at the front desk. "Yup, and then I never saw him again," I said, although I knew exactly what they were going to ask me next. "But you're with Chuck now, you guys have been dating for like-"

"Half a year," I said, interrupting him.

I had been dating Chuck for exactly six months, but it didn't stop me from wondering what Derek was up to. It wasn't me wondering what had happened in a terrible way or anything, but it was me wondering what could have happened if I had chosen another path.

There are certain people in your life that will make you wonder what could've happened, and if you let any moments pass you by. You could be like Chuck, and pretend like wondering these things will stop you from moving on, or you can wonder if things could have turned out differently or if you would be in a different place. There's nothing wrong with wondering, although the feelings that wondering may bring up could be a little bit dangerous.

-

And then, three years later, as I scrolled through Facebook, that's exactly who I found, sitting right there, under my suggested friends. Derek.