The End of Chuck and Blair

“A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead.”
 -Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

-
 
Serena: Hey Chuck! This is Serena, Blair's friend from Minnesota. I was just messaging you to let you know that Blair is going to drop off your belongings off at Yael's. She was also wondering if you could drop off her stuff too...she said that you could feel free to keep the gifts but she would really appreciate her actual belongings back. (You can just drop them off at Yael's too). Thanks in advance! Serena.

Although I had adored Serena for doing this for me (everyone else had pussied out in fear of getting involved or in the middle of Chuck and I....we hadn't talked in five weeks, for God's sake), I couldn't help but laugh. And for a variety of reasons, the first being that Chuck damned well knew who Serena was, he was "Uncle Chuck" to her baby Quinn before we broke up, and also, because Serena is my actual ride or die bitch! The second being that there was no way in fuck that I said things as nicely as she did, especially since I hadn't spoken to his ass in five weeks. And why should I?

With his stupid new haircut, and his stupid new rumored girlfriend, Chuck Cuevas was DEAD to me. Well, he is almost dead to me, until I get my shit back. And I felt proud of myself for doing this. I took the initiative to swap things, and I single-handedly organized it without having to say a damned thing to him. Claps for you, Blair.

I hadn't talked to Chuck for very obvious reasons, the first being that we were in this weird relationship purgatory where we still cared about each other, and ended up cuddling and having sex every time we hung out with each other. The second being that there was no way in hell I was going to let him emotionally drain me like that, because we weren't dating. The third? I was never going to move on with my life, and live a Chuck Cuevas-less life without it. And now is the prime time- we no longer have any mutual friends, and the new friends I've made don't know him as "Chuck Cuevas, who almost/is the love of Blair Bui's life," but "Chuck Cuevas, Blair, why the fuck did you ever date him?"

I had a plan in store, I was going to get my things back, and continue living my life and never talking to Chuck again. Lord knows that he never bothered to try talking to my ass- it had been FIVE WEEKS, and the last thing spoken between us was him letting me down, once again, and then trying to re-cancel it because he's a selfish asshole. After that, I never talked to his ass again.

Sure, there were times when I was tempted to call him and talk to him, but I've gotten so much stronger over it- and things are now crystal clear to me. Also, I'm not going to lie, for someone who claimed they wanted to be alone forever, and told me that if they were ever going to be with someone it would be me, how the hell can you have a rumored girlfriend?

But whatever, that was Chuck's business, and I'm moving on and living my life. But of course, in order to fully close this book, you know, I needed my stuff back.

Blair: Has he still not answered you?
Serena: He hasn't even opened the message yet!

How the hell was I ever going to get my things back?

-

It had been a couple days, and as Yael and I sat there, listening to music, my phone went off.

Chuck: You know, Yael would have been a better messenger. I just read the message from Serena. I'll drop the things off either tonight or tomorrow.

I nearly dropped my phone in shock.

I was mad,

I was furious.

THIS WAS NOT HOW THE PLAN WAS SUPPOSED TO GO.

CHUCK, being the one who never cares about anything or anyone, was just supposed to do one of two things-

1. Read the message and ignore Serena, but drop off the things at Yael's knowing that I would know to pick up my things eventually.
2. Politely answer the message, and drop off the things at Yael's knowing that I would know to pick up my things eventually.

NO WHERE IN THAT PLAN WAS CHUCK SUPPOSED TO SEND ME A GODDAMN MESSAGE BITCHING ABOUT MY CHOICE OF MESSENGER.

Serena: I think I was a fine messenger. THANK YOU VERY MUCH CHUCK.

Blair: I can't believe this is the end and that he didn't try to talk to me ONCE FOR FIVE WEEKS UNTIL I ASKED FOR MY FUCKING SHIT BACK.

I took a deep breath, and then politely excused myself to go home.

"Blair, whatever you do, don't go to his place and knock on the door and yell at him," Yael said, as I walked out.

"I won't, I promise," I nodded, as I walked out.

"Blair, I'm serious, you're going to get off on the second floor and be like, 'THIS BITCH!'"

And I'm not going to lie, I did get off on the second floor, and said to myself, "THIS BITCH."

I thought for one brief moment, of walking to his door, and knocking on it, and arguing all night. And I thought for many brief moments on my ride back to my apartment, of messaging him back, and arguing all night.

Here's the truth about people- when you really don't give a fuck about someone, and you really don't care about someone, you don't respond to them. Because guess what- you don't care, and you don't even notice. But when you do care about someone, that's when you respond. That's why Allie screamed back at Noah in The Notebook. But the response, you see, is how you differentiate how they feel about you. When I responded to Johnson, it's because I thought he was a goddamn idiot. But when I responded to Chuck all those times in my blog, and spent the night, and kissed him on the shoulder, that was because I loved him. 

And so, this asshole, sending me this message, criticizing that I had sent my friend, sliding that little piece of shade in there. It reeked of last call, just like the time I gave Chuck his last call.

And as I walked home, nearly crying, and wondering if I was crazy for interpreting this like that, or for even wondering, I realized something.

There are so many things that I've learned about love, and so many lessons that I've learned about relationships. And as the rain hit my floral print umbrella and my flats got wet, each one of them popped up in my brain. But there's three, three valuable lessons that have been embedded in my brain, that made me put my phone away, and forget about talking to Chuck, ever again.

1. If you really love someone, you would do anything for them. In a last attempt to be with Chuck, I wrote this epic saga detailing how we met until how we broke up. It was ridiculously stupid, tremendously desperate, and utterly romantic. And I stayed up late writing this, and cried so many tears, and it... I put everything into it. When Chuck and I were going on our second date, he was a two miles away on the other side of campus, and I was in the lobby of his building. I was so mad, and he was so worried that he ran from one side of campus to the other to meet with me. People do crazy things when they care about people. So, the fact that he went five weeks without even an attempt? No-go.
2. Never forget what you deserve. There's a difference between what you deserve and what you want. Sure, I could have stayed with Chuck and been in a relationship where he broke up with me spontaneously on his whim, and didn't try hard enough. Where he was too scared to say anything and did things too damn late. But do I deserve to be dragged around emotionally and to be kept around without a title? No. I deserve someone who loves me, and who gives a fuck.
3. I did not climb out of the ditch he threw me in, and climb the mountain to get over him, for this. I didn't work my ass off, and go through hell and back for this. I didn't go through all of this, just to be with him again. Just to let him back in my life, as if nothing happened. Because that would be disrespectful to myself.