Great Love

What we have is a great love. It's complicated. Intense. All-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in."
-Blair Waldorf 

-

I don't even know where to begin..

I woke up this morning expecting to be in a blissful state of happiness at the recent events that are happening in my life, but found myself listening to Adele, Sam Smith, and *the* song that reminds me of Chuck most. And I had never, ever, expected myself to be in this place again.

The Art Institute of Chicago is one of my favorite places in the entire world, it is one of my favorite places to go. I can just wander and lose myself, and it's so incredibly easy to do.

I took Chuck there when we had first started dating, and in half an hour the two of us rushed through the entire building, his hand intertwined with mine, as I led him through one of my favorite places, in the entire world.

I felt so much in that half an hour we spent, but most importantly, I felt that I loved Chuck. It was a feeling that had been hovering around me, and I was unsure over what was consuming me. I was scared to acknowledge it, and pushed it away a bit out of fear, but after that night, I realized that I was falling in love with Chuck. This boy was slowly becoming the most important person in my world- whether I was ready or not. It hit me like a huge Seurat- I was falling, and I couldn't stop.

I went with Ted, and it was terrible. The three and a half hours we spent there was agonizing, and I could not stand it. This was one of my favorite places in the entire world- and as I walked around with this buffoon, I quickly realized, "I would be having a much better time without him."

I really would.

But I couldn't just end it, could I?

Wasn't Ted supposed to be everything that I wanted? A knight in shining armor?

My mind was clouded with thoughts, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt like I didn't even know myself anymore, and as I wondered what Blair Waldorf would do, the solution quickly came to my mind.

There was one person, in this entire world who knew me better than I knew myself, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

Chuck and I made plans to meet up, we were going to go for a run together inside the rec center next door to my building.

As I waited for a response, I got one that I would have never imagined in my entire life. Chuck was going to run from his place to mine, From South Campus, to West Campus.

The last time Chuck ran across campus for me was on one of our very first dates. He was on East Campus, and I was on West Campus, waiting for him to show up for our movie date. He had lost track of time, and was quite late- and so, instead of taking the bus like a normal, functioning human, Chuck had ran across campus to meet me.

I immediately thought of this memory, and my heart beat a bit faster, as I scolded my involuntary response.

My heart smiled at this memory, and my mind told it to stop.

"You have feelings for Louis," it reminded me.

As I stood by the track, I saw him walking up the stairs, and the feeling immediately hit me. Heart beating faster, weak knees, brain wanting to scold the rest of my body.

As soon as I saw him, the feeling hit me.

"I think you know what you have to do," Chuck said, as we ran around the track.

"I thought that I had wanted someone to do all of these things for me," I admitted, "But I just want chemistry, fire, I want to be so crazy in love that it hurts sometimes. That even though it might drive me crazy, that I feel something."

The rest of the conversation was a cloudy mess, I remember stating that I thought Louis and I had fire, because I was completely lying. Louis and I did not have fire, Chuck and I did, and as I spent more and more time talking to him, it became so unbelievably obvious. Louis and I might have had a little flame, but Chuck and I had fire.

I laughed, I smiled, and my heart beat unbelievably fast, as I felt something, for the first time, in a long time.

We talked about the break up, about how he didn't mean to handle it the way he did, and how it seemed like it wasn't important because I had dated again so quickly. But most importantly, for the first time, Chuck admitted that it was hard, he told me that he was still adjusting and that I was a year of his life. And everything that he had said, about putting up a facade, and not knowing how to react, it all just made me feel even more.

I had painted Chuck out as this big, bad guy that had broken my heart and tossed me into a ditch, but it wasn't like that. I had tried so hard to forget what the breakup was about, I tried so hard. It wasn't about him not wanting me- it was about him not wanting himself. It was about how he didn't, and couldn't understand himself. It was about how he needed to figure himself out.

As he left for the locker room, and I sat by myself and waited, the same three words kept repeating in my head.

You love Chuck.

I tried to deny it, as I sat there, on the fluorescent blue mat. But it was inevitable, I had felt something. As tears ran down my face, I couldn't deny that it was true. I had thought that I was fine, I had thought that I had moved on, and I had thought that I had survived. But as soon as I saw him, I knew- it wasn't over.

Chuck made me feel something I had never felt, and hadn't felt since we broke up. It's almost indescribable in a way, how I feel about him. It's this force between the two of us that's undeniable, this pull, and this fire. I love him so much that I let him go three months ago, because no matter how much I wanted him to stay, what mattered so much more was that he was happy. He had pulled me in so easily, and effortlessly.

And as much as I had tried to resist, I couldn't.

As he walked up the stairs, I gained my composure, and as he looked at me, I could tell he knew, but neither of us spoke of it.