Irrevocably Crazy

“Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.”
- Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

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I told Casey what I thought and she told me that if it doesn't work out with Ted, then I need to take a break and work on my self...which I totally don't think is the problem with this whole thing. It's a matter of chemistry actually, and I've never been in this situation where I feel something for both guys, but as I went for my run yesterday, I thought about everything.

It's not like I don't have feelings for Ted, of course I do. Ted Chen is the sweetest, most thoughtful guy in the entire world. He always texts and calls when he's supposed to, he remembers the little things and asks me about my day. He opens doors for me, and is everything that I thought that I would want in the perfect guy. And he is incredibly romantic- knock your socks off romantic. Whenever I get back from a date, my friends swoon over how romantic and incredible he is. And he's hot, of course.

And I do like Ted, it's not like I don't and I'm trying to convince myself, there's just something slightly missing. I like him, in a sweet, smile, make your heart melt sort of way, but there's just no fiery, crazy, confusing force between us. I mean, isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Maybe it's because I've been hesitant, I mean...most girls would be, after what happened with Chuck and Louis.
The force between Louis is something that I cannot explain, but that I have seen only once before, in my entire life. When Serena and I were sixteen, she dated this guy named Jay who was in short, the world's biggest pretentious asshole. Scratch that, he is actually second to Louis. Jay would speak in crappy metaphors and use arrogant euphemisms, he would look at the world though a pair of lens that he himself instilled- redder than rose colored lens. These lens that he viewed the world through made him the most important aspect, and shrunk the rest of the people around us down to the ground. Jay thought that he was hot shit, and even though he was one of the worst guys we know, Serena and him had this intense chemistry that you couldn't deny. Whenever the two of them were together, it seemed like the world would erupt, that the force between them would shatter the world into two pieces.

She couldn't stand Jay, she thought he was absolutely terrible, but she could not deny how he made her feel, and how he made her body feel. The heart beating faster, the weak feeling that slowly hovered over her entire body, and the feeling in her gut that told her that she wanted him, more than anything else, as the voice in her brain telling her to think logically faded away.

And I thought she was irrevocably crazy. I didn't know how she could have feelings for a guy, totally normal feelings, but also have this intense chemistry with Jay. Couldn't she just suppress it?

And then, yesterday, after hanging out with Louis, I realized that she totally couldn't- because I couldn't. There was just something between us, it was there, and I couldn't deny it. But I know that Ted is the right choice, because he is sweet and caring, and I'm still getting to know him.

Blair: I am having a romance-style existential crisis.
Serena: What?
B: I'm attracted to Louis. And I like Ted of course! I just can't deny that there's a total attraction between us. Even though I fucking can't stand him.
S: Okay, Louis might be a babe... but he's a moron.
B: I know but there's this crazy attraction, like a fire burning flame. Like the shit between you and Jay!
S: Let me remind you. But then when you step back and realize that they're idiots. They might have crazy chemistry with you but they're idiots and you're gonna wanna kill them when you're not sucking face. Louis is who you keep for a fuck buddy.
B: I KNOW, but the chemistry! The fire. I'm obviously going to stay with AJ but holy shit...the fire.
S: But don't date Louis because you'll probably end up murdering him and throwing him into the river.
B: It annoys me because he's so goddamn annoying. And going to jail is not part of my plan!
S: No it is not, and especially not for some fool ass nigga.
B: BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN RIGHT???
S: Yessss
B: You can't stand them but there's this fiery intense force. Oh my god whenever I'm around him I can feel it.
S: Maybe you need to fuck him to get it out of your system.

My jaw dropped. HOLY FUCK this took a crazy turn. I couldn't sleep with Louis- I think it would emotionally tear me apart, and also be super unfair to Ted.

B: FUCK LOUIS?
S: Like the itch you can't scratch!
B: But what about Ted?
S: But you must scratch it. Have you made it exclusive or official with Ted? If you haven't you're still a single woman, and single women can do whatever the fuck they want. But if you've had the talk with Ted...yeah no.
B: NOPE.
S: WELL.
B: But it's not fair to Ted!
S: Hmmmm true. But how do you know he's still not talking to people?
B: SERENA IMAGINE IF YOU FUCKED JAY.
S: I CAN'T I HAVE BOYFRIEND. Plus I don't want a hole in my body. I would need stitches- no good.

The two of us talked endlessly, and caught up- which actually was exactly what I needed. I knew that what I needed to do was more clear- I just needed to stay with Ted, and open myself up a little more. But it wasn't a bad idea to have a second opinion, right?

Audrey: In the end it's not worth it. You'll eventually grow tired...at least I did. Because I want to win in every situation.
Blair: Okay, I'll stick to Ted like I was planning.
A: Yeah, that would be best.
B: He's a good guy.
A: I know he is...I can tell that he was raised by caring parents.
B: Don't say anything, but I hung out with Louis yesterday. And I couldn't deny that there was chemistry- but I would never choose him. Because I would throw him off of the top of our apartment building. His annoying old ass.
A: Dude I know what you mean...so I think Louis is more of  a chase... you might just be infatuated with him but practically Ted is more compatible for you. It's like a 'you want what you can't have' kind of thing. Ted is too available and obsessed with you, so it gets boring. And Louis is the opposite so you have to work for it.

I called her, and we talked for hours about this. And ultimately, I knew what I had to do.