Either you run the day or the day runs you.
-Jim Rohn
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Last week, Chuck's place
"It's the 27th," I said, quietly.
October 27, 2014
Blair: Isn't he basically my boyfriend now, I mean... he told his friends about me! And he confessed his feelings yesterday **after he blew chunks in my apartment Friday night!
**a story for another time
Willa: Not yet, Blair. But you're so close.
Chuck Cuevas liked me, ME, ELIZABETH BUI. For whatever reason, he thought that I was the most bombtastic woman, in the entire fucking world. It was an exciting feeling, after months of Chuck and I being "just friends" to be able to walk around knowing that he liked me. I wanted to run around, singing and dancing like a total loser baby, because right now, life was good, because Chuck liked me.
I headed over to go see Chuck, and meet Taha, his supposed best friend. I threw on some makeup (I couldn't have his best friend commenting on how his almost-girlfriend's face looked beat), and headed over, short shorts and crop top, and all.
"Dude, you literally didn't do anything and somehow you ended up with Wonder Woman," Taha said, as he scanned me quickly. "How did you do this?"
Chuck shrugged. Now that I thought about it, how did Chuck get me? It didn't even matter, really, because even though he was unlike every other guy I had ever been remotely attracted to, it didn't matter. Because Chuck was smart, funny, sweet and kind, and nerdy and adorable. And quite honestly, if anyone was to be my boyfriend eventually, I'm glad that it was him.
After hanging out with Taha for a bit, we headed back to my apartment, and watched Bob's Burgers, until noticing that the time was really late.
"It's getting really late," Chuck said, awkwardly, looking at me. I looked up at him and smiled, as we laid together, cuddling and watching the show. It had been a good week since Chuck and I had simmered in our mutual attraction, but he still hadn't kissed me, or anything. I knew he thought that I was attractive, and he obviously liked me- but maybe he was just shy, or tremendously awkward. But that was perfectly okay, because he was worth the wait.
"If you want, you can stay over," I said, as I turned to face him. Chuck looked at me, as if he had been blindsided.
"I uh...erm, Ber- er, Bertram would get mad at me. Yeah, Bertram would get mad at me," Chuck said, stammering awkwardly. His face turned beet red, and he looked away awkwardly.
"Bertram would get mad at you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, he would."
"Okay, it's fine, you don't have to," I said, laughing. It was cute, it really was, how nervous and awkward he was. I placed my head on his chest, and we continued to watch Bob's Burgers. A couple of episodes later, the same thing was said.
"It's getting really late," Chuck said, awkwardly, looking at me.
"If you want, you can stay over," I said, once again, "But only if you want."
"Okay," he said, as we headed towards the pillows. Chuck turned off the light, and crawled up next to me, wrapping his arms around me. And as he closed his eyes, and said good night, I looked at him, as he innocently slept. I had never slept with a boy in the same bed, in my entire life without them trying anything weird, and for once, a boy had stayed over, and he had stayed over because of me. Not because he wanted to fuck me, but because he wanted to be with me. We slept comfortably, until I woke up, quite early in the morning.
"What's up?" He whispered, looking at me. I had never really looked at Chuck without his glasses, but he looked nice, he really did.
"Why haven't you done anything yet?" I asked, looking at him. "Like kissed me or anything?" I don't know why I asked him that, to this day, but I did, and the words came pouring out of my mouth, as if I was saying something casual.
"Because, I- uh, well, I-er, I haven't done anything yet," he said, looking at me. He was embarrassed, and he looked awkwardly, where his feet should have been. "Like made out or anything."
I smiled. "It's okay, we'll practice."
"Really?" Chuck said, leaning in torwards me. My heart beat faster with each millimeter that he moved towards me, in anticipation and excitement. We were nose to nose, chest to chest.
"Really." I said, as he leaned in for a kiss. There are some moments that take your breath away, when time and the universe surrounding you stop for a brief moment, when the stars align and everything in the world is still, for that moment. Moments that you will always remember, clearer than day, as if they just happened. Unforgettable, real moments. This was one of them.
We pulled apart, and he looked at me, smiling.
"This means you're my boyfriend now, right?"
"Yeah, Blair, it does," he whispered, before leaning in to kiss me again.
April 27, 2015
"I'm sorry about that," Chuck said, as he walked in.
"It's fine," I said, as I cut off another piece of chicken enchilada.
"So I was studying with Reagan the other day, and she asks me, 'Do you love Blair?' And I looked at her, and I said, 'Of course?'"
I looked at Chuck, "Really?"
"And then she asked me all the things I love about you, and I told her, and then she asked me, 'Do you think Blair is the one?'"
I stopped eating, and then looked at him.
"So then I said, 'Yeah, I do.' And Reagan asks me, 'Can you see yourself marrying her?' And so I told her, 'I definitely can.'"
October 27, 2015
"Blair, it's late, and we have to be up early tomorrow for the half marathon," Chuck said, as he had taken off his button down. It's not like our one year anniversary wasn't great, it was sweet, and the gesture was nice, it just wasn't what I thought it would be.
"We'll have sex tomorrow," he said, looking at the expression on my face. There's a clear and distinct difference between fucking and making love (or having sex), it's one of those things that you don't understand until it happened.
And maybe I shouldn't have expected anything, because the anniversary of my dreams, was most definitely wasn't the anniversary of my reality. Chuck and I were supposed to have the greatest date together, and the greatest night spent together, but as I watched him climb into bed, I realized that wasn't the case.
February 27, 2016
After waiting the entire night for him, I looked at the message on my phone.February 27, 2016
Chuck: Something came up, another time.
And as I looked at my phone, only one thought remained in my head. It was screaming at me, as I sat there, incapable of functioning in that moment. As Casey, Kayresia, and Matthew sat at the table, I got up and excused myself.
There was one of two things that I could do in that moment, I could say okay, and see him again. Or, I could just forget about him and walk away. I could take a deep breath, compose myself, and walk away. I could walk away, from disappointment, from heartbreak, and from feeling like this ever again. He couldn't even be there, when I needed him to be.
This wasn't the movies, this was real life, and he wasn't going to show up late at night and say that he was wrong, and we weren't going to fall in love with each other all over again. I had to take a deep breath, and simply just leave.
April 27, 2016
And as I sat there, in the library, about to start uncontrollably sobbing, I took a couple minutes to reflect on everything that had happened over the past couple months. The sexual assault, the fact that people have taken up a hobby in telling me how inconsiderate and terrible I am, my mother being sick, all of it. Every single damn thing that happened over the past six months that should have made me feel something, that I dismissed and just acted indifferent about, it all hit me, and I just wanted to talk to that bench, and cry. Which is what I did.
I sat on that bench, and cried. I cried as engineering students walked past nonchalantly, as if a random girl sobbing uncontrollably was just a normal occurrence. I cried, and I sobbed, until I caved and called Chuck.
He was worried, and of course he asked if I was okay, but he said he was studying, and no, there was no magic. He just talked for me for a bit, told me to get up from that bench and to call and Uber home, and that was it. He did not dramatically rush over to my bench, nor was he already there waiting for me when I said I was going to walk home. None of that happened, because it's real life.
I eventually got up, reminded myself that all I have in this life is myself, and walked home. Simple as that.
I had secretly thought about this day, it was always approaching, and secretly, deep in the back of my mind. And when it finally came, it was just another day. It wasn't spectacular or mystifying like I secretly hoped it would be, it was just another day. Another day in my life, a normal and prosaic day, with work and school, exams and all. There was nothing spectacular and nothing special, as I say once again, it was just another day.
And as it got closer to the end, the hope I had for magic was dwindling dramatically, as I sadly realized that it was just another day, and that I shouldn't have hoped for otherwise.
I don't need Chuck, and I can take care of myself, and if anything from last night says anything, I should just take care of myself.
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