Blair, Just Try To Understand

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

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Shane: I think you should go have fun. Also are you sure this is a st. Baldricks event or a gathering of guys you went in dates with lol 

I won't go into detail about how long I stood there, awkwardly, in a room full of people that I one hundred percent did not know, awkwardly holding my scarf and pea coat. I won't go into detail about how I awkwardly tried to make conversation with people, only to have them awkwardly kind of brush me off, and look at me like I was totally weird and balls out crazy. What made this extremely awkward situation even more awkward was that Jason, yes that Jason definitely recognized me, and definitely saw me...standing there, by myself, awkwardly.

It didn't matter that my hair was perfectly cute, and that I had on the cutest outfit (cute blush blouse, dark wash skinny jeans that made my ass look banging, and flats), all that mattered is that I basically was totally being judged and definitely shouldn't have thought that Hakeem would've stood and talked to me. It turns out that he was helping run the event, and ran away to talk to people, and left me with this gem-

"It's kind of a College of Medicine event."

What a way to make me feel even more welcome, buddy.

It was after forty minutes of feeling awkward and weird that I finally caved, and texted Johnson. And luckily for me, he showed up. With my favorite guy squad too, if I may add. I said hi to all of them, officially met Heath, and had Nico show me that there had been a coatrack all along. Which had made me feel even more awkward...I had just stood there awkwardly holding my coat the whole time!

Johnson surprisingly acted normal, and Heath was actually super accommodating and cool too! As the three of us walked towards the other side of the room, I suddenly felt a punch on my right shoulder, and turned.

"Hey, are you Blair?" he asked, looking at me. I blinked, and for a brief moment, everything paused. I was standing by Shy Guy, and it turned out...he wasn't that shy.

The tragic thing about Shy Guy was that he and I never even went out on a date- he had told me that he didn't have time to start anything; basically he had flat out rejected me. I had believed him for a second that he was truly busy, but then I saw him on Tinder, and Bumble, and heard that he was on a bunch of other dating apps.... he wasn't busy. He was just an asshole.

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”
-Greg Behrendt

This had made this current encounter that more awkward.

"Yeah, it's nice to meet you," I said, politely. Although his voice sounded like a 1970's frat boy douche lord, I couldn't deny that he was definitely hot. One hundred percent hot. Like, weak at the knees hot.

"Wow you know everyone, huh?" he said, gesturing to Johnson.

"Yeah, I know a lot of people in your class," I responded, awkwardly. The two of us made a little small talk and whatnot, and did that whenever we ran into each other for the rest of the night. It was a little bit awkward, but I didn't care, I looked cute and he had his chance.

Johnson was supposed to introduce me to Dax, who had not even remotely noticed me the entire time we were there! He gave off this asshole Draco Malfoy vibe, and when the opportunity finally arose for the two of us to meet not-so-organically, things didn't work out like I thought they would in my brain.

One of the things I learned about guys in med school is that they seem to think that they're hot shit. And trust me, I'm the expert, guys, because I dated Louis Romney, and Jason Baker- PLUS i could've possibly, maybe had a thing with Jason.

But that's besides the point. Guys in med school are all cocky and narcissistic, they're under the impression that they are the bomb dot com. All they do is sit in anatomy lab, try to impress foolish undergrads with the fact that they're going to be doctors, and go to the gym. Any other time that's not spent doing anything else is making other people feel inferior, because they aren't going to be a doctor. They're entitled, and they think that they deserve every damn thing in the world, and guess what? They don't.

Am I the only one concerned that these guys are the future of medicine? And you would think that it was after I was completely alienated by these assholes that I would realize that I need to stop dating med students. Or maybe, when Johnson Baker interrogated me for like, twenty blocks about how I didn't want to date him and was not attracted to him. Or MAYBE, when Jason LITERALLY went out of his way every time we were in a group setting to purposely ignore me or turn his back to me, perhaps in the hope that I would spontaneously disappear. Or perhaps, it was when I said hello to Dax, in an attempt to be polite, and he literally just fucking walked away, like a total asshole. Or maybe, just maybe, it was when I accidentally drank half a pitcher of Schmidt's beer, and was drunkenly flirting with Jason, probably coming off as a thirsty ass bitch.

No, guys, my revelation occurred much later than all of these terribly embarrassing events, that I will admit, in that moment, made me feel like a piece of old gum smeared on the back of someone's Louboutin.

It was when I walked out of the room, and towards the bar, and saw stupid Louis Romney standing there, with his black blazer with red accents, and dress pants. He looked like a 1920's midget mobster, and that definitely was the cherry on top of my night.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, looking at me strangely.

"Um, I was invited, by like Hakeem and Johnson and stuff." I looked at Louis, only to have him give me a judgmental look. Maybe his face was just like that.

"I know them." I said, asserting myself.

"Were you the only non-med student there?" He said, laughing. The intensity of his judgmental look increased ten-fold.

"No, there was other people there, and I had fun. I met a bunch of people, learned a lot of things, and I think Betty is pretty cool!"

"That's nice," he said, taking a sip out of his geriatric drink. "You know, after tonight I'm going to have to pretend that I don't know you, for my sake."

Did he just say that?

I felt the beer well up inside of me, and my heart beat faster. This gut feeling in my stomach sank, and I felt like someone had knocked me in the belly.

"What? Why?"

"You wouldn't understand. It's because of the girls in my class. I'll tell you later."

"No, tell me now," I said, insisting.

"NO, BLAIR, JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND." Louis said, angrily and adamantly. He was furious, and he gave me one last look, before he started to walk away.

"Well, you got lucky, because I'm about to leave." And despite Heath and Johnson telling me to ignore him, I couldn't. I had felt like a complete and utter fool, and a total mess. I was embarrassed, and felt like everyone had been laughing at me this entire time, I mean- who did I think I was? I should have known though, no place is a good one, if Johnson Baker is one of the best people there.