Lackluster

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." 

- Billy Joel

-

Zayn: Look, I get it. It was weird. I'm really sorry that it happened and frankly I'm embarrassed and already have been feeling like shit about it since you left. It honestly makes me feel like less of a man. I get it if you want to not see each other and if you need space, but I would like to just move past this and just go back to being friends. I value our friendship a lot and I know things have been difficult for you recently and I don't want you to have to go through it alone. If you still doing want to see me, that's fine just let me know and I'll leave you alone. Also if there's something else that's bothering you about it or you feel like it would be good for us to talk about it, let me know. I'll make time

The text had been the big white elephant in my life, and I didn't know how to politely say, "I never want to see you again, because that was fucking weird," in the nicest way possible. I smoothed my pencil skirt, and checked my outfit once more. My boss ass bitch curls from yesterday (rock-it waves, courtesy of my hairdresser Liz) had mellowed down into loose, casual waves, my pencil skirt and black blazer perfectly hid the atrocious Burger King-style work polos that my boss wanted everyone to wear at the VIP event, and my grey suede wedges clicked perfectly on the ground. I was going to get my groove back.

As Kayresia and Casey worked their stations, and the event unfolded effortlessly, I felt perfectly happy, and perfectly fine.

"Are you feeling better?" Casey asked, as I sat down next to the booth.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

"Why were you so sad?" She asked, as I pulled out my anally organized clipboard with names and notes scratched everywhere.

"I made a poor life decision and it left me feeling some kind of way," I sighed.

"Who did you fuck?"

-

As I walked through the room, I somehow got sucked into a conversation with this chatty older woman- she was in her early fifties, but she had the enthusiasm of a three year old. She kept yammering on and on, as I awkwardly looked at Casey and Kayresia for a bit of help.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked, expectantly. She looked up at me, as if she was a puppy at PetCo and I was a little kid.

"Um, no."

"SO YOU'RE SINGLE?" Her eyes lip up, as she whipped her phone out. I looked over at my coworkers, who were absolutely snickering at the current situation. Awesome. First, I bring a date to our staff holiday party that runs away, and now at our VIP event, someone tries to set me up with a random.

The rest of the conversation was a blur, up until..

"Oh my god, you're so cute! I have to get your contact information" she said, as she scribbled down her name and email.

"Okay, I'll be sure to call you," I said politely, as I looked over at my friends for help. Casey and Kayresia were so, so dead. Not only did this lady ask for a picture with me, but she genuinely thought that I was going to go on a date, that she and her friend were going to chaperone. As if!

She left the room, and I walked up to Kayresia and Casey.

"You guys are dead to me."

-

A fun fact about me and my friends is that we are in Target more than necessary- it's a habit that started when we all became a squad....basically when Chuck and I had broken up. It's embarrassing to admit, but I was that girl who disappeared into a urethra when Chuck and I were dating. And as I searched high and low for Starburst jellybeans, Kayresia stopped.

"Blair, just tell me who you fucked," she said, bluntly.

"I fucked...," I hesitated for a moment, and then took a deep breath, "I fucked-"

She looked at me, expectantly.

"I FUCKED ZAYN AND IT'S SO EMBARASSING AND HUMILIATING AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT AND I FEEL SO FUCKING ASHAMED." It all came out, all at once, like word vomit, and as I nearly felt like blowing chunks, Kayresia looked at me.

"So? He's not that bad, he's a nice guy."

"YEAH BUT HIS DICK WAS SMALL AND IT WAS WEIRD AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I JUST, I CAN'T KAYRESIA. WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS SEX I WANT TO BLOW CHUNKS."

"Okay, listen, we all have that person that we regret sleeping with. And it's fine, shit happens. And yours is obviously Zayn. but don't feel bad. Shit happens." And just like that, she kept walking, and put a load of bread into our cart.

-

"Okay, so who did you fuck?" Casey said, as she grabbed some more Starburst jellybeans.

"The worst possible pers-"

"Rafael."

"No."

"Romney?"

"NO. Way worse."

"Ted."

"WORSER."

"Who could be worser than Ted....CHUCK?!" She put a hand over her mouth, in shock.

"No, and Chuck and I have had sex plenty of times since we broke up," I said, nonchalantly, as I picked out a single hunter green bean from the bag. "It's no biggie."

"YOU HAVE?!"

"Yes, Casey, we almost got back together at one point." Casey looked at me, in shock, as if I was telling her that I had shoved a twelve foot pole up her father's ass.

"You missed a lot when you got a boyfriend and disappeared," I laughed, as I picked out a blood red bean.

"Worse than Ted, not many guys are worse than Ted...not Chuck...YOU FUCKED ZAYN."

Casey turned and looked at me, in complete shock. It took a couple minutes of her freaking out, until we returned to somewhat normalcy.

"You know, out of all the guys you've dated after Chuck, they've all been a lot hotter and a lot better. The only reason that Zayn is under Chuck is because you said that Chuck was amazing at sex."

"Savage AF,"I laughed, "But now I am completely repulsed and completely disgusted by sex."

"Just fuck Chuck, and you'll get over it," Casey suggested. "Was that the worst advice you've gotten?"

"No, the worst was when Regina just laughed at Zayn's use of the word lackluster."