Losing My Shit

"Even if it's 'fighting for,' that's what happens in rom coms after the boy fucks up, and instead of leaving his ass the girl stays because he 'fought for her.'" 

-Willa Vincenzo

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I was losing my shit, and I had no idea how to remedy it. There was a variety of different things making me lose my shit, as of the moment.

1. Kevin's break up, and how he's suddenly become my young grasshopper. My giving him advice and helping him out has made me think about the Chuck thing more and more. SUMMARY- giving him advice has made me realize that Chuck Cuevas is a fucking asshole.
2. Chuck Cuevas. I'm not going to even go into detail about this, for fear that I will lose my shit.
3. My mother's surgery.
4. Carter being Carter.
5. My perpetual singledom.
6. Normal Blair Stress.

But the biggest thing stressing me out was Chuck Cuevas, of course. Chuck fucking Cuevas with his stupid cotton v-necks and his stupid Chuck-ness. I was losing my shit, forgetting my keys and accidentally locking myself out of my apartment a bunch of times. Running around feeling stressed and pressed, annoyed and absolutely fucking insane. 

And so, after a day of brunching and running errands with Matthew, I took a deep breath, and knew what I had to do with Chuck. And the advice that Willa had given me, the advice that I so desperately needed and had forgotten, that had magically appeared at the perfect time.

-

Dear Chuck,

I'm going to be flat out honest with you, and say that I contemplated never talking to you again, and then running away, but that's something that I don't think I can do. I wish I could say that I was strong, and that I haven't been losing my shit over the past few days (over a variety of different things, not just you, so don't flatter yourself), and I wish that I could say that we are best friends again and perfectly platonic. But that isn't the case, and you know it isn't the case.

I don't know how I feel, and I don't know what I want. I don't know how I feel about you and what I want from you. I don't know how I want you to feel, and I don't know what I want you to want. I just don't know. It's tough, and it's complicated, and all of these thoughts have been clouding my mind and tearing me apart, because it really is tough. So, in the best way I can, I'm going to dictate how I feel, in the best ability that I can. 

Because even though I don't know how I feel, and I don't know what I want, I know what I can't do. 

I can't emotionally support you and take care of you. I can't be in your life watching you do exceptionally well without me in it. I can't be in your life watching you have the time of your life, and being absolutely positively happy without me. I can't hang out with you, and fall in love with you again. I can't smile when you text me, or send me a message. I can't laugh at your ridiculously lame jokes, or the shade that you attempt to throw. I can't feel my heart beat faster when I'm around you, and I can't have sparks run down my spine whenever our arms touch. I can't secretly wish that you'd kiss me. I can't wonder if you're secretly checking me out. I can't wonder if you're thinking about me, or if I'm in your thoughts. I can't wonder how you feel about me, and why you don't want to be with me. I can't pretend I'm okay when my heart is breaking and I'm falling apart. I can't be emotionally drained, and I can't wish that you'd notice me, like you used to. I can't miss the times we had, and I can't imagine a future with you.

And I'm terrified that these things are going to happen, and they can't. You never felt torn apart or heartbroken, because you never had the chance. You never got the chance to miss me or wish that we could have what we have. You were okay after we broke up because I was still around, and we were still friends- but that was completely emotionally draining for me, because I was so madly in love with you. And for months, I wished that you would change your mind.

Willa once told me, "Even if it's 'fighting for,' that's what happens in rom coms after the boy fucks up, and instead of leaving his ass the girl stays because he 'fought for her.'" I wanted to stay because you made an attempt- but then I realized that you weren't fighting for me. You gave me a two year wait list, not even a promise, and I can't do that. 

When people care about people, when they find someone amazing that they can't lose, they do everything in their power to keep them. And you weren't even doing that, you weren't even fighting for me- you were asking me for fight for you. I have done that, time and time again, and I can't keep doing that. Especially for someone who won't fight for me. You sat around and never said that you wanted to be with me, but couldn't, and you sat around and never said anything when I was having sex with other guys. And I don't deserve that.

I deserve magic, and fire, and sparks. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, no matter what. Someone who can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else. Someone who wants to make me laugh endlessly, and smile for the stupidest reasons. Someone who thinks about me, wonders what I've been up to, and wants to hear everything as soon as they see me. A person who can't imagine a life without me in it, someone who sees the value and magic in me. Someone who thinks I'm absolutely fucking amazing, even when I'm not. Someone who would move mountains, and someone who gives a fuck. 

You say you miss the dates, the kisses, and everything, but I don't think it's enough if you're willing to lose it. I know you can't right now, and I understand. So understand when I say that I can't right now.

This isn't good bye, this is a see you later. And we'll see each other again, someday. When I'm ready to be friends, or when you're ready to ask me on a date. You have my number, and you know my Facebook. And also where I live. I like red velvet cupcakes, and you can blast Cecilia and the Satellite on a boombox.

Don't respond to this message, unless you're ready. It'll just make things harder. I still want you to watch my stories on Snapchat and to be friends on social media and stuff, I just can't be the friend you need right now. But someday I'll be ready, maybe it'll be a couple days, a week....or two years (you asshole).

Don't fall apart, please. Shower, wear deodorant, and eat. We can't be friends if you die.

Blair

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And people say I can't be nice.