“From what you didn’t say, lies that you did say.”
-Dejan Stojanovic, The Creator
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I'll skip over the marginally boring part- the part where I struggled to find the most eloquent way to booty call Rafael. We had ended up texting earlier that day, and to be completely honest there was nothing salacious or spicy about our conversation.
A small segment of the most uninteresting booty call text exchange that lasted two hours:
I have taken the liberty to translate what we were saying, in case you are incapable of reading between the lines.
Blair: What are you up to tonight?
Translation: I am about to booty call you.
Rafael: Shit, probably gonna go to the gym and meal prep for the next few days lol
Translation: I know you're trying to booty call, so I'm gonna sound too busy and too cool, so you really gotta ask for it. Even though all I have planned is smoking weed with my roommate with the crockpot fetish.
Blair: Well how about we hang out lol
Translation: This is me booty calling you.
Rafael: Idk if I'll have time 🤔
Translation: I'm probably going to booty call YOU later to exert control, so I'm in control.
Blair: Okay have fun by yourself then 😏
Translation: Yeah, I don't play games, have fun playing with your hand.
Rafael: Lol stop trying to tempt me with sex before I cave 😭
Translation: Wait, no, I still want to have sex with you.
Blair:I'm pretty sure you've already caved..and you're just trying to convince yourself otherwise 😂
Translation: Bitch, I know you want to fuck me, stop pretending otherwise.
Rafael: Haha nah I'm just bummed out bc I know I have to go to the gym and make food 🙁
Translation: Just because I want to have sex with you, don't forget that I'm a busy guy or whatever.
Blair: You have a roommate that cooks with a crockpot at 3 am lol
Translation: Hey remember your weird ass roommate with the crock pot fetish that woke me up at 3 am with his crock pot?
Rafael: I might make something in my crockpot today actually 🤔
Translation: I fucking love my crock pot.
The conversation continued, and it was boring. So boring that I'm not even going to blog about it in detail.
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The booty call hour...
After work, I took a nap, and then when I woke up at around 10:30 to study, I got a little distracted at 11 pm and decided to booty call Rafael. As in Chuck was all over my timeline because he liked a bunch of people's posts. That's the annoying thing about him, he never posts anything, but he always ends up on my timeline, without failing, at every point of every day. But that's irrelevant. Point is, nearly messaged my ex, decided to booty call Rafael again.
Blair: Are you going to fuck me or what?
Translation: Are you going to fuck me or what?
Rafael: Lol it's bedtime
Translation: I'm really going to make you ask for it.
Blair: Okay have fun by yourself then 😏
Translation: LMAO, bye, I'm going to study for the PCATs now.
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The morning after...
Turns out guys, you don't have to be in a relationship to fight like a couple.
I was feeling a little bit curious, quite honestly. And brazen and bold (but when do I ever not feel brazen and bold?). So, I finally asked Rafael what I had been wondering this whole time.
I asked him if he had feelings for me.
HAHAHAHAHAHA, no. I'm just fucking with you guys.
I had always wondered who broke Rafael, or what exactly made him such an asshole when it comes to relationships. I had never met someone in my entire life who hated relationships more than he did, and who was more jaded than he was. Maybe it was a combination of him being super obviously conventionally attractive, stupid charming, and suave enough to get 85% of women to sleep with him. But I was smarter than that. He reeked of the desperation of a man trying to "play it cool," aka the same desperation that a thirteen year old who just discovered Axe reeked of.
Some girl had broken him, and she was obviously a bad ass bitch.
So obviously, being a nosy young lady, I wanted to know. After all, there wasn't really anything exciting in my life besides the typical school and work stress. I had deleted Tinder, ignored Chuck permanently, and even removed Audrey from my life. I was trying to be a better person, and I was trying to be kinder.
And you know, be a better person and whatnot.
BUT ANYWAYS, so I asked him....
Blair: Okay so I'm a pretty perceptive person, and dude you are the most anti-relationship and jaded person I've ever met lol. And it's not necessarily a bad thing- I'm jaded in my own ways and un-relationshipy in my own ways. But dude what happened to you lol, did some girl break you or something 😂😂😂
Rafael: Lol nah I'm just not gonna pretend like I'm interested when I'm not
I thought for a moment that maybe he was trying to tell me that he didn't want to date me, but I concluded that probably not. I mean, after all, I had no intention of dating Rafael and had made it crystal fucking clear.
Blair: There's a difference between being normal about it and being flat out like "I only fuck bitches" 😂
Literally, Rafael always (paraphrased): "Relationships are fucking stupid and I only want to fuck bitches."
Rafael: So being normal would be leading girls on?
Rafael: No, that's selfish
From a mile away, I could forsee this turning into an unwanted argument, Johnson Baker style.
I'm going to try another way to transcribe texts, one that is most relevant to this conversation.
So, remember how I said I was trying to be a better person?
Blair: That's not being normal
What Blair wanted to say: No one told your ass that you needed to lead them on, you just need to not be such a fucking asshole
Rafael: I'd rather be honest
Blair: Being normal is being honest but polite
What Blair wanted to say: You are definitely not honest, and you definitely need to be less of an asshole
OKAY, and I know someone's going to say, "But Blair,"
- Ted Chang
- Target Child Molester
- Johnson Baker
- Derek
- Nash
- EVERY GUY BLAIR HAS HAD TO AWKWARD TURN DOWN ON CLICHES OF CHICAGO
And I'm going to say back, "Guys, I was polite and honest with all of them!" Y'ALL, the only one I was polite but dishonest with was The Target Child Molester because, duh, child molester. AND NASH, but he was about to kiss me and stuff, and he was begging for a second date! And he could have drowned me on the beach!
PLUS THEY WERE WHITE LIES, not Rafael rude-ass faking kidney disease BS.
Rafael: How am I ever not polite?
UM,
- When you faked kidney disease
- When you hit it and quit it
- When you sent me that rude ass text
- When you didn't give me guacamole
- When you wouldn't give me toilet paper
- When you woke me up randomly in the middle of the night
- When you accused me of leaving random shit
- Every time you open your damn mouth
Blair: But I shouldn't even be giving advice because I'm incapable of letting people down
What Blair wanted to say: You are literally one of the biggest assholes I have ever met in my entire life. And I know assholes- I've dated med students
Rafael: I don't say anything mean
What Blair wanted to say: *eyeroll emoji*
Rafael: I don't ignore you like I planned on
What Blair wanted to say: Please take your broccoli and chicken eating ass away, and try to ignore me, please.
Rafael: I think I'm more than nice
Can we all take a moment and laugh at this one?
Rafael: But if you don't think so then you don't have to talk to me.
I didn't say anything back to any of his last texts, I just let him relish in his fuck boy fuckbaggery and continued with my day,
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