The End of Rafael

"Looking back, of course, it was irresponsible, mad, forlorn, idiotic, but if you don't take chances then you'll never have a winning hand, and I've no regrets."
-Bernard Cornwell

One of the pettiest things I have ever done in my entire life was covering Johnny's door with lube after he dumped me, and made a total fool out of me. He had gone on and on about how I was this lovesick little puppy, and in my defense, I was actually truthfully. I'll never admit it, but sometimes, the stupidest and craziest things I've done in my life, were in reaction to being hurt.

When Romney got a girlfriend after running away from committing to me, when Rafael never answered my texts and ghosted me, I had done something ridiculously stupid and irresponsible, of the drunk texting sort.

And I hadn't given it any thought, until I had this feeling today, one that told me to find out what actually happened between Rafael and I. What Drunk Blair had actually snapchatted to Rafael on Valentine's Day, and what the truth was. Maybe it was because of the newfound truth bombs I was dropping everywhere (telling Zayn that we were never fucking again, dumping Tinder Guy #3, etc), but I just wanted to know the truth about Rafael and I. And I know it was a stupid thought, but I also knew that I would wonder what I had sent him, for a little while.

Blair: I want to know what I drunk snapchatted you last Sunday. Like I get it, you wanted to fuck, and you got to fuck, but I'm actually curious.

He read my message, and said nothing. Typical.

Blair: And you can laugh at how stupid I was, I was super stupid.
Rafael: Dude chill. I have no idea what you snapped me. I don't have you on snap so I didn't receive it.

And that was the end of that. I started to take notes, when, suddenly, my phone went off.

Rafael: And yes, you can be mad at me all you want. The funny thing is that I never planned on ignoring you and not hitting you up. I was gonna honor the whole date thing. Why not? But then you send some psycho ass text. And continue to text me shit insulting me. Whatever though, thanks for letting me know I dodged a bullet from the beginning.

And as comebacks came to my mind, I started typing furiously, and then erased everything that I had typed. Yes, he was being hyperbolic and exaggerating what actually happened, and yes, I could have torn him to shreds, but it wasn't about that. I was getting too old for petty bullshit like this. And in my heart, I knew exactly what I needed to do. There was no Willa goading me to do the right thing, like two years ago, I just knew what I had to do. It was part of growing up, and realizing that you can't pull the same petty shit anymore.

Blair: I'm not even mad at you, I'm honestly mad at myself because I was childish AF. Sorry for the overreacting and for the drunk texts, shit happens.

I didn't castrate Rafael, I didn't rip him to shreds, I just took the high route. And maybe eighteen year old Blair would have had a fit if she knew I did this to a fuck boy, but maybe, she would have been impressed at how much she matured. I sat there for a moment after, wondering what could have happened between Rafael and I.

Would we have been a thing? Could we have actually been something?

My heart felt heavy for a moment, as I analyzed all these situations inside of my head. And as much as I wanted to pretend that this was still an option, I knew in my heart that the ending with Rafael had disappeared long ago, when that book closed. But, truthfully, a gut feeling inside of me told me that this wasn't going to be the end.