Oh, Blair

"She is brazen and sure. She's driven, yet wild. Innocent, yet feisty. Scheming, and frankly, bossy. Imaginative, sassy … and a little bit drunk. Yeah, she'll probably blame it all on that last one." 

-green and yellow

I think the moment I realized that this whole online dating thing was a load of shit was when the third tinder guy kissed me, and I had felt absolutely nothing. My friends had judged me pretty hardcore, Tinder Guy #3 seemed like a pretty great deal- he dressed well, he was conventionally attractive, a first year med school student, AND Louis Romney's rival. It seemed like he was everything that I was supposed to want, kind of like Ted, but in reality, there was just no fire, passion, or chemistry. And even though Tinder Guy #3 thought that I would have ended up in his bed, I actually ended up in Zayn's.

I could go into extreme detail about how it happened, and everything. Or I could just say that we fucked, which is what I'm going to do. I FUCKED ZAYN.

ZAYN, as in Chuck's motherfucking boss, Zayn. Zayn, as in the supervisor for my ex boyfriend, Zayn. That Zayn.

And if it didn't make things any more awkward, it wasn't the world's best sex. I wasn't going to hold it against him- the guy was nervous, and hadn't done anything in like six years, but it was overall, terrible. And I completely lied, because I wasn't some heartless wench! I told him it was pretty good, reinstated that we were friends, and then awkwardly fistbumped him, because I definitely didn't want him to kiss me good bye. I grabbed my polka dotted pixie pants, my chic white blouse, and then walk of shamed my ass back to my apartment.

And as I went on with my life, I couldn't stop and think of how incredibly awkward I felt about this whole thing. I definitely wasn't going to have sex with Zayn again, and I definitely felt totally weird about all of this. Had fucking become such a meaningless thing to me, that I would just YOLO it and fuck Zayn? I definitely got caught up in the moment, but I didn't feel anything. It wasn't like fucking Rafael, or fucking Jake Reagen, or Chuck, it was honestly, nothing. It's just kind of left me feeling really awkward, and kind of like I'm a shit friend.

The rest of the day though..

I woke up, with a new attitude and a newfound happiness. I was going to focus on myself, and be, essentially, a boss ass bitch. I had never been the sad, lonely single friend, but now, that was going to be even more blatantly obvious. I guess, in a way, after all the shitty dates and guy's hearts I've broken, I've learned that I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Boyfriends are easy to find. I'm looking for someone special. It's hard to explain, apparently, since no one seems to get what I'm trying to describe, but I want to have insane chemistry with someone. I want to love someone so much that it hurts, and be absolutely head over heels. I want to feel chemistry, fire, and passion, and I know it exists, because I've felt it before. I've even felt it after Chuck- so I definitely know it exists.

Chuck, Romney, Rafael.

And before that- Haz, Jake Reagen, Sexy Drake.

Wait a fucking second.

Chuck Cuevas- thought he was the love of my life, spontaneously dumped me, kind of expected me to wait for his ass to be ready for a relationship.

Haz Krystal- thought he was the love of my life, spontaneously cheated on me, kind of expected me to wait for his ass to be ready for a relationship.

Louis Romney- thought he was going to be a legit thing, was the first guy I actually had feelings for after my break up with Chuck, and thought he was super handsome and dapper. Spent Winter Break 2016 pining for him. He definitely wasn't serious, and dipped out.

Jake Reagen- thought he was going to be a legit thing, was the first guy I actually had feelings for after my break up with Haz, and thought he was super handsome and dapper. Spent Summer Break 2014 pining for him. He definitely wasn't serious, and dipped out.

OKAY GUYS THAT'S NOT ALL

Rafael Mancilla- actually totally saw potential in him despite his douchieness, he acted super interested in me, we hooked up, and then he ghosted me.

Sexy Drake- actually totally saw potential in him despite his douchieness, he acted super interested in me, we hooked up, and then he ghosted me.

No more casually banging guys, no more Tinder. And as I deleted that stupid flame app icon (SERIOUSLY, TINDER? You started NO flames for me), I was relieved. No more ridiculous guys, no more terrible dates, and no more sex. I want something special, and I want something real, and this isn't how you find it.

And maybe I'm a little bit too much, and maybe I'm ridiculously sassy, too bold, and too blunt. And maybe, I'm picky as fuck and I'm sometimes a little bit messy, but there's this crazy feeling telling me that something amazing is about to happen.