When Zayn Finally F's Off

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
-Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

The following post is definitely a more serious one- not the typical kind of humor/content.

A couple weeks ago, something traumatic happened to me. And I didn't know it was traumatic until it followed me around like a ghost, haunting me, and affecting me in ways that I didn't think that it could. It seemed so small and insignificant, really, especially since I consider myself to be a strong young woman, but after all of this, I've learned that strength does not come up from always being indifferent or holding yourself up, but from how you react when you allow yourself to fall down.

Being taken advantage of isn't just through physical means, there are so many ways that you can be taken advantage of emotionally. There are so many ways in which you can be swayed or taken advantage of, when you're in a weak emotional state, and you just tell yourself, "okay, I guess." And I shouldn't have let myself give in, because of a lackluster, "Okay, I guess." I shouldn't have let myself do the things I did, for, "Okay, I guess." I shouldn't have just gone with it, or let them touch me, when I was not one hundred percent in. You don't round up for these things, and I wish that I was stronger so that I could have said no.

And even though I never, ever, ever wanted to talk to Zayn again, and I wanted to ignore him for the rest of my life, Yeezy's word's kept following me.

Yeezy: I think you just need to close that chapter in your life.
Blair: I do too, which is why I'm not talking to him. But he texts me every week, and I ignore him every week.
Yeezy: Ignoring people is not a way to close that experience.

"Okay, I think I'm going to say something," I said, as I looked at my phone. Kayresia and I were sitting on her bed, watching Love and Hip Hop.

"OKAY, I've got it. I'm going to say, 'I would rather have it that way, it was a traumatic experience and I've moved on and I've been living my life, happily. I don't want to speak to or see you again.'" I smiled, and looked up at Kayresia, who was looking at me as if I had just throat punched her grandmother.

"What?" I asked, innocently.

"Blair, you finna make him jump off a building or kill himself with that shit."

"I'm just trying to be honest!"

"You're BRUTALLY honest." she said.

Okay, she had a point. Maybe it was a little bit mean considering that Zayn and I were friends.

"What's wrong with it?"

"First of all, don't use the word traumatic, and second of all, just say you would prefer not be friends with him."

"Can I still say it was traumatic?"

"NO, just say it was... different."

Blair: I would rather have it this way, it was a weird experience and I've moved on and have been living my life. I would prefer not to be friends.

And within seconds, my phone was blowing up.

"I thought this would go away!" I said, shaking my head. Kayresia looked at me, and laughed.

"It won't go away now, you already started it."

"Can't I just ignore him?" I asked, innocently. It was totally fine, I would just ignore him forever, and it would be-

WAIT.

I looked at the text again, to make sure I was reading things correctly.

Zayn: I must be not understanding something. Can you at least explain to me what it was that was so weird that you feel like we can't even talk anymore? I mean I know it wasn't the greatest experience but it's not like I'm asking for that again. We don't even have to hang out again like we used to. I just want to be able to walk past the desk and not be ignored. It makes me feel uncomfortable and even more so because it happens around people I work with as well. I don't know if that was something you wanted from me and are upset that I wasn't into it or that you feel like I violated your trust for allowing that to happen when we just wanted to be friends. If you at least tell me what's going on, maybe I would understand why you're so upset

DID HE JUST SAY THAT TO ME?!?!

"OH HELL NO," I yelled. I looked at Kayresia, and from the look I gave her, she knew I was going to insert the word traumatic into the conversation. I was completely disgusted and annoyed that Zayn would even THINK that I was acting weird because I wanted him.

"I don't know if that was something you wanted from me and are upset that I wasn't into it."

1. He was SO fucking into it.
2. I was SO fucking not into it.

Literally, the whole thing with Zayn traumatized me, and not even in a remotely funny way. For the two weeks after it happened, I was completely disgusted by guys. The mention or thought of sex made me want to throw up; I felt this terrible nauseous feeling inside of me. Whenever guys would come up to me and want to flirt with me, I felt gross. It was just this gross feeling that followed me around- this disgust and distrust of guys. I couldn't look at my other guy friends the same way, without thinking that they would lose my trust like Zayn did. That they would try to fuck me when I was down. It was a terrible, gross feeling, and it wasn't okay again, I wasn't okay again until I got over it. 

And I didn't even realize it was a problem until Johnny and I were hanging out one night, and he had the lights off in his living room, and I completely lost my shit. I really did. I completely lost my shit when Johnny had the lights off, and we were watching a movie, because I just felt so gross and so uneasy, anxious and upset. And after talking to him, and finally admitting the gross experience with Zayn was traumatic, it helped me realize what was going on. The disgust with myself (and guys) faded away.

But I couldn't be mean, I wasn't a mean girl.

Blair: It was a traumatic experience for me, I was going through something and I was upset and you were supposed to be there as a friend. Okay, it was weird and traumatizing and definitely not something that I wanted. And let's just leave it at that.

Zayn: And trust me, that was not something I was planning. I've felt like shit about it ever since. I really only wanted to be there for you as a friend. I let my loneliness get the better of me and I misread the situation because I thought you felt the same way. I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious when you asked me how my week was that I was depressed, considering I had just been shot down for the umpteenth time. At this point I'm not going to try to convince you to change your mind because I have no right to do so. I will say that I am truly sorry for being an asshole of a human being and ask that you think about forgiving me. Whether that's now, or later is completely your choice.

And I still haven't fully read what he wrote back, and to be honest, I don't really care. All I care about is that this happened, and it was in the past, and now I've moved on and closed that part of my life.

Even though I always write about the funny things that happen in my life, this is a very serious post, with a very serious message. Don't ever, ever do anything that you aren't sure of. Unless you're in it one hundred percent, don't allow yourself to do something that you are hesitant about. It doesn't matter what other people want or think, all that matters is you.

There have been times when I've slept with guys, even though I wasn't one hundred percent, even though I wasn't fully sure. I just said, "Okay, whatever," and did things that I shouldn't have. Zayn wasn't the first, and Ted was a monster in his own way. And I think sometimes that's why they are the worst experiences that I have had with men, because I shouldn't have done anything. I used to regret these experiences, but I've learned to be careful and to be sure. And even though I wasn't sexually assaulted, I still feel uneasy about both of them- because I was not into it; I didn't really want it. And that's what happens, when you allow someone in, when you aren't sure. It should never be, "okay, I guess." It really shouldn't.

But I'm okay, and I'm living my life, and I've learned to only be with anyone that you're absolutely enthusiastically super into. And for a little while, I wondered if I could ever be with another guy again, and I kissed Carter, and the was the first guy in a long time.