The Ditch

"Because I didn't pull myself out of the ditch that Chuck threw me in, I didn't climb that mountain of shit, and get over his crazy ass, for this"

-Blair Bui

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One time, Chuck got tremendously drunk (I'm not going to lie, I did too...), and as I woke up from my drunken slumber, and looked over at him, he just looked straight at me, right into my eyes.

"Blair, you are always in my thoughts," he whispered, as I moved a bit closer. We were laying nose to nose, and the moonlight shined in through his window.

"Really?" I leaned in for a kiss, and felt my heart beat faster. This was what being in love is, and I had been in love, and I was lucky to be in love.

"I'm always thinking about you, always. You're always in my thoughts." I looked at him, and I smiled. Chuck grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and gently placed it on his bare erection.

You would think that in that moment, that I would realize something was up.

It had been two weeks since I had gone on a date with a guy, and about half a week since I officially gave up on them. I mean, I'd like to think that it had been a week, but when I drunkenly wanted to climb Jason like a tree, that kind of reset my timer again. I really genuinely had given up on guys though, I had spent my time working, cleaning my apartment, running and doing pilates, and just spending time with friends.

With Yael being in Canada, the only men I had in my life were Shane and Johnson, which I really think says a lot. Somehow Johnson had finally given up on being immature and petty, and Shane had always been a great friend. Even when I fell asleep on his bedroom floor- which happens more than it should, to be honest.

But all of this has given me plenty of time to think about love, life, and relationships, and I've come to the crazy conclusion that I'm a strong independent woman, and that finding the next guy isn't going to come easy. Because I didn't pull myself out of the ditch that Chuck threw me in, I didn't climb that mountain of shit, and get over his crazy ass, for this, to be with any of the guys that I've dated over the past few months. They were hot, and they were alright, but I didn't go through everything I did for this. They weren't the end to my story.

Louis Romney was a total asshole, and he just wanted to hook up with me. Even though he spoon-fed me everything that I wanted to her, or that I thought that I wanted, in the end he was a total jerk. He was a complete and utter asshole, who ended up making me realize a lot of things about myself, and relationships. I guess from him, the biggest thing I learned is that you can't be with someone who wants you to give up everything for them, and to accommodate them. You can't be with someone who doesn't want you to be independent, who wants you to be a caged bird with a taped-together beak. Someone who wants the diluted version of you.

As for Rafael, as much as I wanted something to happen, he just didn't try. And that's one of the harder things to learn, honestly. When someone wants to be with you, they will do everything in their power to make it happen. ESPECIALLY guys. And the fact of the matter is, Rafael didn't try because he didn't want to be with me enough. If he had, he wouldn't have given up so easily and he wouldn't have just straight up dipped.

I've dated the good guys, I've dated the bad guys, and I've drunk texted my heart out and drunkenly flirted with guys. I've had sex, I've fucked, and this whole time all I've wanted to do is dance in the moonlight and sail into the sun. But the fact of the matter is, I don't need someone to do that, I really don't. There's some equally ridiculous person out there, but for right now, it's just me, dancing in the moonlight and sailing into the sun, all by myself.

And the biggest lesson through all of this is exactly that- I didn't go through hell and back to settle. And I didn't do it for anyone less than amazing. I did it for me, because even though it was shitty, and even though I went back to Chuck a couple times, I finally put that part of my life behind me. And I'm ready.