Fuck Chuck Cuevas, Actually

“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”

-James Dashner, The Maze Runner

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Days until Chuck comes back: 4
Amount of denial Blair is in about her feelings: more than how deep she is in social media stalking her exes

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I'll tell you what I did this morning. This morning, at six am, I dragged my hungover ass off of Matthew's couch, called an Uber, and awkwardly got in with last night's smudged makeup, and sweat infused bright bodycon dress. I sat in said Uber, looking like I was one hundred percent doing the walk of shame, hurried to my apartment, washed my face and brushed my teeth, threw on clothes, deodorant, and sunscreen. I walked to Starbucks, where they messed up my venti Shaken Passion Iced Tea mixed with a Cool Lime Refresher, and then hauled ass to class, where he did not give us participation points. I turned around, and then nearly dropped my drink on the ground, because out of all the classes, out of all the lecture halls, Carter Chavez was sitting behind me.

And as I sat in class, I couldn't help but wonder what my other previous flings had been up to. Not Louis Romney and Jason- I didn't give a fuck about them, I literally saw Louis Romney in an elevator a couple weeks ago in a tacky pair of Hawaiian shorts. And I saw Jason when I was walking down the street (mint green dress with floral print, which made my boobs look phenomenal, and my hair looked good!) a couple days ago when I was going to get tacos.

And as I googled, and googled, I nearly went Rebecca Bloom on Jake Reagan's ass until it hit me- you're just annoyed that Chuck is M.I.A. and you're trying to distract yourself 

Fuck, did I drunk text him? It's okay, even if I did, I was drunk, so it doesn't matter.

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Days until Chuck comes back: 3
Amount of denial Blair is in about her feelings: more than how mad she is that Chuck is mad

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OKAY, I can't be that cool breezy girl that doesn't give a fuck, I can't. Why is this boy so freaking mad right now. WHAT DID I DO? I mean, it's not like I didn't explain myself and tell him that the "oh okay" literally meant "oh okay." It's not like I didn't say I was sorry (even though I don't fully understand why the fuck he's even mad).

WAIT.

DID I JUST SAY THAT I WAS FUCKING SORRY FOR SOMETHING WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID?

Holy fuck.

OKAY, UNIVERSE, I ADMIT IT. I admit it. I like Chuck Cuevas. I like how stupid annoying he is, and how he manages to annoy me in ways that I can't even fathom, like when he gave me back that blue hello kitty and wrote that passive aggressive ass message on the back of it. I like his broken nose and his beard scruff, his awkward attempts at flirting or international sexting. How he makes me laugh uncontrollably and smile like a little loser baby. How he always knows what to say, and what I want, and how we always have fun together, and just having him around. And how, despite the fact that he is an asshole, annoying as hell, and a pain in the ass, he can be extremely considerate and sweet.

...but this doesn't change the fact that this is fucking bullshit, and that I texted him this morning trying to find out what the fuck is going on all cutely, and he's been radio silent. I mean, for god's sake, I just apologized for no reason- THIS ISN'T WHAT BLAIR BUI DOES. Okay, it's embarassing, because I could've just kept avoiding him and being this boss ass bitch- but I didn't. I apologized and asked what was wrong, and all of that embarrassing bullshit.

And this is fucking bullshit and total nonsense, because we were having a perfectly nice time and having so much fun.

So fuck Chuck Cuevas, actually.

Blair: You know what, whatever

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Days until Chuck comes back: 2.5
Amount of denial Blair is in about her feelings: more than how mad she is that Chuck is mad

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I'm sitting at my desk at work and I'm fueled by menstrual emotions and the fact that despite all the nice Blair that came out, I literally said, "you know what, whatever."

Whatever to stupid Chuck Cuevas, and whatever to this bullshit. I know it seems like something silly to be mad about, but I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed because I feel like I'm so tired of this random spontaneous shit. Like holy fuck, how many times have things been great and fun, only to have Chuck get spontaneously weird?

1. Blair and Chuck are having a fine time dating for like a year and a half, Chuck spontaneously dumps Blair while she's straddling him in a lace bra.
2. Blair and Chuck are having a fine time hanging out when still having feelings for each other, when Chuck spontaneously ignores Blair's last chance attempt to get back together. Blair then dates Louis Romney.
3. Blair and Chuck are having a fine time acknowledging their feelings for each other and potentially getting back together, when Chuck spontaneously ignores Blair's attempts at trying. Blair then gives up, and hooks up with Rafael Mancilla.
4. Blair and Chuck are having a fine time hanging out when still having feelings for each other, when Chuck spontaneously ignores Blair when she really needs him to be there for her. She then decides to never talk to him again.
5. Blair is having a fine time never talking to Chuck again, when Chuck spontaneously gives back Blair's blue hello kitty with a passive aggressive message written on the back. Blair tells him she's not ready to be friends with him.
6. Blair contacts Chuck when she needs him to be there for her, when he reveals that this whole time he's wanted to be with her but just isn't ready. Blair and Chuck continue hanging out.
7. Blair and Chuck are having a fine time hanging out when still having feelings for each other, when Chuck spontaneously acts like a fucking asshole and disappears. Literally, he was just bricklaying all day.
8. Blair is having a fine time ignoring Chuck, but drunk texts him... when Chuck reveals that he literally disappeared AGAIN because he was stressed. Blair and Chuck then text on and off.
9. Blair accidentally texts Chuck after ignoring his whack ass, and they start talking again regularly.
10. Blair and Chuck are having a fine time talking when still having feelings for each other, when Chuck spontaneously gets mad for no fucking reason, and ignores Blair's attempts at being a mature adult human.

Maybe this time is different, maybe it's not. I thought it was, until this whole spontaneous fight thing happened, I really did. I thought that Chuck was past this childish nonsense, and I thought he had grown out of acting like a little shit. I thought that he was done with spontaneously disappearing and being a terrible communicator, and I genuinely believed that he was over all of this.

And now it's made me take twenty steps back from forgiving him fully and letting him in, because even though we were having so much fun and everything was going so great, he still somehow found a way to act like such a fool. And I just can't be fearless and reckless with my heart like I used to be, I just can't.

I know he's in rural Mexico and doesn't get messages half the time, and I know that he has feelings too, but it doesn't change the fact that I went out of my comfort zone and apologized, and that I tried. And I know we were having so much fun, and I know that he's been great (minus the bullshit), but it doesn't change the fact that he disappeared again. And I can't be that girl that gives her heart away easily and I can't be that girl that's reckless and fearless with her heart, because I've been that girl before, and it's just ended in a heartbreak. I have to be that girl that protects herself and looks out for herself- and with his whack ass getting randomly mad over petty shit, can you blame me?