Not Today

"I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now I'm insecure and I care what people think,"

-Twenty One Pilots

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Days until Chuck comes back: 6
Amount of denial Blair is in about her feelings: more than she is absolutely losing her shit

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I am losing it, everyone. I, Elizabeth Bui am being completely torn apart by stress and everything. It's not some cute romantic comedy stress or something, it's actual real life problems that the average twenty year old woman doesn't have to deal with.

1. I am taking the PCATs in four weeks.
2. I have to fill out my FAFSA which I have never done before IN MY LIFE because I'm filing independent.
3. My tax refund never came- FEDERAL OR STATE.
4. I spent thousands of dollars on tuition for this summer.
5. I still have to pay for housing.
6. My professor has still not bumped my grade even though I missed the next cut off my only five freaking points.
7. School is busy and stressful as hell, and my professor assigns us 10 hours of homework a week, NBD.
8. Work is extremely stressful. I won't even go into detail about how much a total shitshow this is in general, and how it's completely ripping me apart into pieces.
9. And I don't get paid enough.
10. And everyone is an asshole.
11. Chuck Cuevas for whatever reason, is mad at me. SPONTANEOUSLY MAD AT ME.

I have to study for the PCATS, that's like 10 hours a week, minimally.

I have to go to class, which is also 10 hours a week.

I have to work forty hours a week, to pay for my housing and tuition. And to keep my job, of course.

I have to do my homework for my class, which is 10 hours a week.

There is 168 hours in a week. I sleep for 42 of them.

I am walking around, falling apart, and dying from stress, and completely LOSING it, to the point where I yelled at Cora's boyfriend in the office on Friday. That's right- I just fucking lost it. 

I mean, think about it- this job sucks the time and my soul out of me, to the point where I can't go yell at the IRS to give me my fucking refunds or be a normal young adult, I have to sit there and stress and slowly die from all the nonsense that piles up and is shoved in my face. And we don't have an HR department, and we don't have anyone. And that is why I only get twelve dollars an hour and that is why I get no sick days or PTO, or any benefits whatsoever. I don't. I just get to sit there all day, in this shitty environment, where I get yelled at all day by assholes and I get to stress about the ten million other things that are happening in my life. And I do it for the money, and I do it because the foundation used to be something that I loved and advocated for, but now it's just this place where I go and get torn apart to the point where I'm exhausted.

And after paying tuition, and realizing all the shit that I have on my plate, honestly, on Friday, I just wanted to go home and cry. Because honestly, what else am I supposed to do? I make less than the people that I train, everyone else resents my boss because he's not paying them enough, and everyone seems to think that I'm doing Cora's old job and that I'm taking over her job. 

And no matter how much the executive director, Cyrus, keeps telling me that this isn't the case, I can't seem to believe him. Because he keeps promising that I'm going to be starting my projects and going back to doing the things that I loved about my job, but it's not happening. All that's happened is that I've been chained to Cora's old desk, where everyone just yells at me all day and treats me like fucking shit. To the point where when I get home, that I'm completely and utterly fucking exhausted and I just want to cry, because there's nothing I can do.

It's not only that everyone keeps acting like I have Cora's old job (WHICH, BY THE WAY, I am not paid to do, NOR did I agree to do), they keep acting like I'm not stepping up to the plate. They keep acting like I'm not doing enough, like I'm lazy, like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that I'm such a disappointing person. And I'm working my ass off and I'm trying to take care of myself, but for fuck's sake, I'm in school and working hard to make my parents proud, and I'm still young- I'm only twenty fucking years old. And I'm trying to balance this full time job and going to school and I'm trying to live a healthy, normal life, but I can't because there's nothing I can do about my job. And I'm not paid enough, and I'm treated like shit, quite honestly.

And on Friday, I just wanted to go home and cry. I just wanted to go home, and cry, and be by myself, when Cora's boyfriend commented, in his normal douchey way, "Blair can stay."

"I'm leaving in five minutes," I said, firmly. I told all of you- I was completely tired and exhausted at this point, not to mention that I was DYING of stress. Two things I do not know how to deal with- awkward situations and intense stress.

He gave me a dirty look, stomped on over, and looked at me. "You think you can leave because it's Friday night?" I had a multitude of problems with his statement, but I'll list a few here.

1. I am a student and working- everyone at my job knows this and understands that I am not treated like a normal, full time employee. I am allowed to take days off for school, they schedule around MY schedule for school, etc. As in everyone knows that this job is not my priority.
2. If anyone is to leave when they are supposed to, and not stay longer, it is ME, because I am an hourly employee, and also the only student employee.
3. Who the actual fuck does he think he is, telling me that I can't fucking leave? And to assume that I'm going to do whatever shit Cora is working on? Neither of those things is included in my job description!

"NOT TODAY." I said, sternly. Gyan looked at me, completely shocked, as she knew that I was extremely stressed that day, and completely on the brink of losing it. I think a big part of her sympathized with me, because I'm twenty years old and trying to do fifty million things at once.

"What do you mean, not today? You can fucking stay," He said, nearly slamming his stupid hands on my desk. Cora's boyfriend was four times my size, at least, and twice my height.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" This crazy old man had literally COME UP BEHIND MY DESK, AND GOT RIGHT UP IN MY FACE. I felt my hands ball up into a fist, and felt like I was going to lose it, and scream bloody murder in the middle of the office.

"NOT TODAY!" I yelled, as everyone grew dead silent, "NOT TODAY, OKAY? NORMALLY, MR. SUAREZ, I WOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE YOUR DEMEANOR, AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN OR ANYTHING BUT THERE IS TOO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW SO NOT TODAY?" I yelled. "NOT TODAY!"

"You getting burnt out?" he asked, confused, and truthfully, shocked that I had just screamed in his face.

"NOT TODAY!"

Cora told him to leave me alone, and thank god she did, or else I would have lost my shit.

The rest of the shift, no one said a word, as we all worked in silence. I had sat there, taking this bullshit from everyone, and I had snapped. I regretted nothing, to be quite honest, I was glad that I had stood up for myself, and had wished that more people were there to see it. Maybe then, more people would get off my fucking back.

Maybe then, people would actually respect and appreciate me.

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AS FOR CHUCK,

Chuck Cuevas shouldn't even be mad right now- OKAY, maybe he could be a little mad, but not this mad. We were just having a nice conversation and internationally flirting when out of no where, he gets pissed at me- for saying "oh okay." And it wasn't even an "oh okay" during a dramatic ass moment- it wasn't like he told me he loved me or something! It was during a perfectly normal conversation, and I explained myself in the most perfectly normal way anyways! And it's the next day...and he's STILL radio silent.

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?

Okay, he's not the one that's absolutely losing his shit. I screamed at someone in the middle of our office, the last time I was at work.

Literally, we were texting when he fell asleep. This is a paraphrased version of our conversation, because I had deleted the texts-

Chuck: Sorry, I fell asleep
Blair: Oh it's fine, don't worry about it
Chuck: (he said something that I forgot), you know you are very obvious, Blair
Blair: Oh okay

In this time, I went to go put a pore strip on my nose, because that's what people do sometimes at one in the morning.

Chuck: You know what, whatever
Chuck: Goodnight

WHAT THE HELL, LOL. I explained to him that night, and that morning that my "oh okay," literally meant "Oh, okay," not a sadsack version of it, but literally, OH. OKAY. But it's been radio silence, and I guess he's mad?

Truth be told, I don't really get it, but maybe he's losing his shit secretly too, and just needs time to himself.  And I have no problem giving it to him.