The Northern Bench

"Not all who wander are lost."

- J. R. R. Tolkien

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Barrett is, twenty four, 5'10, and working on his PhD- and also coincidentally, pretty hot. He lives in the West Loop area on Randolph, we have the same favorite Indian Food, and he can cook. OH, and he's a foodie...and going to be Chuck's TA this year.

We had been texting back and forth flirtatiously, and were due to go on a date.

Audrey: Dudeee he's soo hott, you should deff go for it.

My phone suddenly had another notification.

Barrett: Ahhh I really want to hang out with you. I find you extremely cute and attractive.

I could get used to this.

Although Barrett was super hot and played Lacrosse for the University of Iowa (in his undergrad), and seemed like the perfect guy to eighteen year old Blair, twenty year old Blair was faced with quite possibly the stupidest problem that anyone could have.

I felt guilty.

"But Blair, why do you possibly feel guilty for having hottie man wanting to take you on a date and flirting with said hottie man?"

When Chuck and I broke up, and since then, he has never flirted, wanted to date, fucked, or even been slightly romantically interested in anyone. No rebound sex, no one night stands...nothing. I am the singular female, the only girl that he has ever liked, kissed, touched, dated, fucked, and all of the above. And even though it admitted (way too fucking late, in my honest opinion) that he was bothered (obviously) by the fact that I was dating other guys.

Not to mention the fact that he's the one who ended the relationship because he wasn't ready or whatever (you know, after dating me for like a year and a half!).

So I shouldn't feel guilty, right?

I ended up taking a really long walk- out of no where. I walked down the boardwalk, along the beach, with the sun shining and sea salt scented wind blowing through my hair. And as I walked, and wandered, I genuinely thought about everything that has happened. With Chuck, with work, and with life- and quickly, I realized that the only soul mate that mattered was well, me. The only person I needed to be happy, and to fall in love with, was myself, in the least narcissistic way. I had gone through so much, and I had been strong through all of it- and as I wandered, I had this gut feeling that I was headed to the right place.

And as I saw these familiar stairs, I knew I was in the right place. My heart beat faster, and I had this gut feeling telling me that I was supposed to be there, and that this was where I was supposed to end up.

On one of our very first dates, Chuck took me to this plaza, and we sat there and just talked all night. It was the moment that I knew I was falling in love with him, in front of the NBC building, as the wind blew the petals of the hortensia I placed in the center away. In his brief moments attempting to be romantic, Chuck had always taken me to this plaza to sit and be with him. And as the familiar landmarks appeared, I followed.

I never really knew where this place was, and I guess that was part of the magic- only being led here by Chuck, and as I tried to find this place, and got a little lost, it dawned on me.

What if this is a sign? The fact that the place where Chuck and I fell in love, completely disappeared or demolished.

Or fuck, even worse- that I couldn't find it without him!?

As I turned, and walked, determined now, more than ever, the plaza appeared out of no where, as everything around me slowed down in these following moments. I walked over, up the steps, and sat down, exactly where I had, the very first time that Chuck had ever taken me there. There were four benches- I had sat on the south bench the first time I had ever come here with Chuck, and we fell in love.

The eastern bench was the one we had sat on for our very first "boyfriend-girlfriend date," when we had a night picnic and ate tortas. It was also the night that Chuck could not stop making out with me, because he was so excited that he had a girlfriend.

The western bench, we had sat on, for our joint birthday date last year, and because we had dated for so long, and been to this spot so many times, Chuck honestly kind of rushed us to hurry and go home.

But the northern bench- I had never sat on that one before. The gut feeling came back, and I got up, and sat on the unfamiliar bench. And as I sat down, and the wind blew in my hair, and I felt this weird sense of closure and belonging, I think that was my favorite time that I had ever been to this spot.