"To be an ideal guest, stay at home."

 -E. W. Howe

-

"Are you coming to the dessert party my wife is throwing?" my boss asked me, as I walked into his office.

"Yeah, of course!" I said, as I realized that I had completely forgotten about it. My boss was a rich older man who lived right across the street from Millennium Park. His building was full of basketball players and celebrities, as he was basically loaded. His wife was the typical successful older lady as well, throwing fancy parties and events to network and impress people.

One of them being this dessert party, with prosecco and wine.

"You know you have a plus one, right?" He said, eyeing me carefully. I looked at him awkwardly, and nodded. He made a small face before saying his next response.

"But you don't have to bring one if you don't have one."

I stood there, awkwardly. His response to this could have been one of two things-

1. Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.
2. Blair, last time you brought a plus one, he ran away.
3. Blair, you are lonely AF.

"I'll bring one," I said, adamantly, as I walked off. My red ballet flats tapped across the surface of the wood floor, as I scurried off to my desk.

"FUCK, BLAIR, why did you say that?"

-

Blair, you bring a different boy to every event.

To be fair, there have only been two big work events that have occurred, and the boy I brought to the first one I thought was going to be my plus one for life. I literally thought that Chuck and I were going to be forever, because I was young and naive, and I thought that he was going to be my plus one from then on forward. To infinity and beyond.

And okay, I kind of, sort of thought that the second boy that I took to the second work event was going to be attending a couple more, but then he ended up running away! Not my fault.

OKAY, and I'm twenty and relationships aren't forever, so no one should really be expected to bring the same person, unless it's their spouse, to every single freaking event. ESPECIALLY if they're months apart!

Blair, last time you bought a plus one, he ran away.

I'm going to make this as painless as possible, by stealing the little snippet of a story from a previous blog post. I'm not going to go into crazy detail- I think if I do, it'll make me want to throat punch Louis Romney.

*coughs and opens up storybook (aka blog archives)*

I ended up taking him to this fancy work event, and as we all sat there in Carnivale, casually enjoying our dinner, Louis decided to offend a lot of people. He acted super classist, super sexist, and well...super conservative. He asked people if they were lower level employees, and it was just a huge mess overall. 

Louis is... ultra conservative. He only cares about the economy, hates poor people, hates Hispanic people, doesn't believe in feminism, He is actually Romney and Trump in twenty nine year old youngish man form. 

Anyways, we were all somewhat casually enjoying this nice dinner, when suddenly, Kayresia turned to Louis, and asked, "Louis, what are your intentions with Blair?"

A gut wrenching feeling hit me, as I turned and looked at him, noticing that he looked like Kayresia just smacked him in the head with a frying pan.

I didn't need for Louis to say that he wanted to be with me forever, I just needed him to not care that she did that, but instead Louis got up, and ran away. Louis completely disappeared, and then reappeared twenty minutes later with two HUGE drinks. In front of my entire staff.

And to this day, I don't know what was more embarassing about that incident...him running away in the middle of dinner, or him acting ultra conservative during dinner.

Everyone at work laughed at the fact that Louis ran away, and thought that he was an asshole. That's how that saga ended. No one ever said anything to my face really, except Cora when she said he was a fucking asshole. But I'm sure everyone talked about it plenty behind my back, all, "Poor Blair."

Blair, you are lonely AF.

Okay, first of all, I am not lonely AF. I am living a good life where I watch Grey's Anatomy and eat kale in my bed. And where I hang out with my friends, drink beer, and do Pilates. I just have no boyfriend or romantic prospects (although people would tell you otherwise), and I'm single AF.

I scanned my brain, and ended up going through every guy I've been on a date with in the past six months.

Chuck Cuevas:

I shook my head immediately. That can't and won't be happening. Because then the two of us would laugh and reminisce about the last time we went to a fancy rich people party, feel the feels about the good times, and then things would be messy and weird. And also, my coworkers would tell him that they've missed seeing him around, and they would assume that we are getting back together.

Plus, even though most people think that Chuck is skinny and awkward, not the hottest, and kinda gross, there's just something about him in nice clothes that makes me weak at the knees, and think, "DAYUM." I can't explain it, for whatever reason, I think Chuck Cuevas is a hottie.

Louis Romney:

Hell to the no, did you not read that previous story? Plus, besides the fact that he is an asshole, he's been pretending that he doesn't know me, because I was the side ho when he had a med school girlfriend.

I am still convinced that he has a wife and kids.


Ted Chang:
People joke that I dumped him because he didn't know what a painting was, but in reality we had absolutely nothing in common, he was weirdly in love with me, and a complete neanderthal. He was SO incredibly stupid, and also short. No way in fuck am I ever talking to him again. He was also incredibly cocky and really weird and annoying, entitled as well.

Sometimes I wish I had told him the truth and that I couldn't stand his ass, instead of chickening out and saying that it was because I still had feelings for Chuck.


Rafael Mancilla:
God, he's sexy. But also a twenty three year old fuck boy. So, pass.

Ezra:

Literally went on one date. No thanks.

Target Guy:

He told me that he banged a fifteen year old when he was twenty two, and then friend to bang me...no thanks.


Johnson:
There are sooooo many reasons why this is an immediate no, besides his annoying gremlin man-child ways, the fact that he's short, and that he's absolutely entitled and crazy. Also if I can't stand him at a nice brunch place, no way in fuck is he going to a fancy AF party at my boss' condo. I can't have him asking me what petit fours are. SORRY NOT SORRY.


Carter Chavez:
He would probably show up high, and then I would slap him across the face, and then he would be sexually aroused by that. I don't really want to be seen or associated with him, and also he's basically classless.


Jason:
Ugh, he's hot. But he also talks like a 70's frat star and is kind of an asshole.

Derek:
Also into me, definitely not into him. No thanks.

Maybe I needed to put an ad out or something.

WANTED: a plus one for a fancy party that my boss is throwing that will impress and dazzle everyone, and more importantly not embarrass me. The last guy I brought was embarrassing, my coworkers are still laughing about it.

You:
-are smart, educated, and intelligent
-have culture and class
-but can also joke around, be funny or a little ridiculous
-have a good career (or path)
-are funny, charming, and a great conversationalist
-taller than 5'9 (I'll compromise)
-do not have any glaring problems
-are not an asshole or Neanderthal

Me:
-is 5'5, 105, and adorably petite
-drinks beer, does Pilates, and is chill AF
-Asian American (but looks ethnically ambiguous)
-is clever, funny, and a pretty great conversationalist
-has hilarious and ridiculous stories
-watches the same terribly funny tv shows you do
-dresses fashionably and very well, has refined style
-will laugh at your terrible jokes
-sassy, brazen, bold, and sure

Pros:
-delicious desserts
-alcohol
-great networking and conversation
-potentially fall in love....or make a great friend (I'm a great wing woman!)

Losing My Shit

"Even if it's 'fighting for,' that's what happens in rom coms after the boy fucks up, and instead of leaving his ass the girl stays because he 'fought for her.'" 

-Willa Vincenzo

-

I was losing my shit, and I had no idea how to remedy it. There was a variety of different things making me lose my shit, as of the moment.

1. Kevin's break up, and how he's suddenly become my young grasshopper. My giving him advice and helping him out has made me think about the Chuck thing more and more. SUMMARY- giving him advice has made me realize that Chuck Cuevas is a fucking asshole.
2. Chuck Cuevas. I'm not going to even go into detail about this, for fear that I will lose my shit.
3. My mother's surgery.
4. Carter being Carter.
5. My perpetual singledom.
6. Normal Blair Stress.

But the biggest thing stressing me out was Chuck Cuevas, of course. Chuck fucking Cuevas with his stupid cotton v-necks and his stupid Chuck-ness. I was losing my shit, forgetting my keys and accidentally locking myself out of my apartment a bunch of times. Running around feeling stressed and pressed, annoyed and absolutely fucking insane. 

And so, after a day of brunching and running errands with Matthew, I took a deep breath, and knew what I had to do with Chuck. And the advice that Willa had given me, the advice that I so desperately needed and had forgotten, that had magically appeared at the perfect time.

-

Dear Chuck,

I'm going to be flat out honest with you, and say that I contemplated never talking to you again, and then running away, but that's something that I don't think I can do. I wish I could say that I was strong, and that I haven't been losing my shit over the past few days (over a variety of different things, not just you, so don't flatter yourself), and I wish that I could say that we are best friends again and perfectly platonic. But that isn't the case, and you know it isn't the case.

I don't know how I feel, and I don't know what I want. I don't know how I feel about you and what I want from you. I don't know how I want you to feel, and I don't know what I want you to want. I just don't know. It's tough, and it's complicated, and all of these thoughts have been clouding my mind and tearing me apart, because it really is tough. So, in the best way I can, I'm going to dictate how I feel, in the best ability that I can. 

Because even though I don't know how I feel, and I don't know what I want, I know what I can't do. 

I can't emotionally support you and take care of you. I can't be in your life watching you do exceptionally well without me in it. I can't be in your life watching you have the time of your life, and being absolutely positively happy without me. I can't hang out with you, and fall in love with you again. I can't smile when you text me, or send me a message. I can't laugh at your ridiculously lame jokes, or the shade that you attempt to throw. I can't feel my heart beat faster when I'm around you, and I can't have sparks run down my spine whenever our arms touch. I can't secretly wish that you'd kiss me. I can't wonder if you're secretly checking me out. I can't wonder if you're thinking about me, or if I'm in your thoughts. I can't wonder how you feel about me, and why you don't want to be with me. I can't pretend I'm okay when my heart is breaking and I'm falling apart. I can't be emotionally drained, and I can't wish that you'd notice me, like you used to. I can't miss the times we had, and I can't imagine a future with you.

And I'm terrified that these things are going to happen, and they can't. You never felt torn apart or heartbroken, because you never had the chance. You never got the chance to miss me or wish that we could have what we have. You were okay after we broke up because I was still around, and we were still friends- but that was completely emotionally draining for me, because I was so madly in love with you. And for months, I wished that you would change your mind.

Willa once told me, "Even if it's 'fighting for,' that's what happens in rom coms after the boy fucks up, and instead of leaving his ass the girl stays because he 'fought for her.'" I wanted to stay because you made an attempt- but then I realized that you weren't fighting for me. You gave me a two year wait list, not even a promise, and I can't do that. 

When people care about people, when they find someone amazing that they can't lose, they do everything in their power to keep them. And you weren't even doing that, you weren't even fighting for me- you were asking me for fight for you. I have done that, time and time again, and I can't keep doing that. Especially for someone who won't fight for me. You sat around and never said that you wanted to be with me, but couldn't, and you sat around and never said anything when I was having sex with other guys. And I don't deserve that.

I deserve magic, and fire, and sparks. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, no matter what. Someone who can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else. Someone who wants to make me laugh endlessly, and smile for the stupidest reasons. Someone who thinks about me, wonders what I've been up to, and wants to hear everything as soon as they see me. A person who can't imagine a life without me in it, someone who sees the value and magic in me. Someone who thinks I'm absolutely fucking amazing, even when I'm not. Someone who would move mountains, and someone who gives a fuck. 

You say you miss the dates, the kisses, and everything, but I don't think it's enough if you're willing to lose it. I know you can't right now, and I understand. So understand when I say that I can't right now.

This isn't good bye, this is a see you later. And we'll see each other again, someday. When I'm ready to be friends, or when you're ready to ask me on a date. You have my number, and you know my Facebook. And also where I live. I like red velvet cupcakes, and you can blast Cecilia and the Satellite on a boombox.

Don't respond to this message, unless you're ready. It'll just make things harder. I still want you to watch my stories on Snapchat and to be friends on social media and stuff, I just can't be the friend you need right now. But someday I'll be ready, maybe it'll be a couple days, a week....or two years (you asshole).

Don't fall apart, please. Shower, wear deodorant, and eat. We can't be friends if you die.

Blair

-

And people say I can't be nice.

My Soup Snake

"'Soul mates' is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes."

-Mindy Kaling

-

Chuck had made the effort to message me- quite enthusiastically, if I might add, which made this decision even worse. He seemed to be happier than he had been, the ghost of the person that he used to be was fading away, and the real Chuck was coming back. It was something I could just sense, something that I could just feel, something that I just knew. That's how it was when it came to him.

I won't say the two of us are soul mates, most definitely, possibly, most likely not. It terrifies me sometimes thinking that Chuck could be my soul mate, especially considering that he is ridiculously confusing, tremendously annoying, and tremendously ridiculous. It's a genuine fear, honestly, that he is my person- it's also a slightly exciting idea, but don't ever tell him that I said that. I don't want to boost his ego like that.

It's the universe laughing at me, saying, "Blair, you can't have a real functional and spectacular relationship, but you get to be in this weird emotional limbo with this crazy that could potentially be the love of your life." Because out of all the places I could be, I am here, wondering what exactly I am going to do, what exactly I should do, and why me. Why me, why have I been so blessed to be in this spot with Chuck?

Because it's not that easy as walking away- because my being around is making him happy, and making him okay. And Chuck is very much not okay.

Chuck was fine (as far as I know) when we first broke up, because I was still around. While I was emotionally destroying myself by being in love with him, and being there for him, and loving him, he was living a very happy life. Because I was still in his life- doing all these things for him, and he didn't have to be my boyfriend. He didn't have to do anything, and I was still around, making him happy and spending time with him. But I wasn't fine, because I was falling apart, madly in love with him, and it was tearing me apart.

And then, one day, I realized that he couldn't just have me around without being with me, he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, and then I left. And that's when Chuck started isolating himself even more, he started losing all that weight, and getting very greasy. That's when Chuck started to smell bad, and look bad, and that is when he was starting to fall apart. And that's also when I started to be happy, and I started to be okay.

And I'm not saying that being with Chuck didn't make me happy- it did. It did 150 days ago, when we were still dating. But when we were together after we broke up, it was emotionally confusing and heartbreaking.

And that's where I am right now, wondering what I'm going to even say or what I'm going to even do, because even though he's happy and he's okay now- what if I start falling apart? I can't go into this, potentially hurting myself, and breaking myself, so that Chuck can be alright. But at the same time, can I walk away knowing that he could potentially fall apart to pieces?

A small, selfish part of me thinks that's maybe what I need to do- to just leave him, so he can fall apart to pull himself together. To realize what he's really lost and what's really going on. But what if he falls apart, and he only gets worse?

BUT I CAN'T be there for him, and give him everything, and let myself fall apart at the same time either. I'm at this point, at this game, where it's my move- except I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I could be the girl that didn't care, the girl that could just laugh it off, and walk away. But I'm not.

"You're a hopeless romantic at heart," Matthew said, looking at me. "You really are."

I gave him a smug look. "I am, but it's a secret, and you can't tell anyone." It turned out that Kevin just wanted someone to talk. I had thought that he was hitting me up because of a really bombtastic selfie that I posted, but it was genuinely because he wanted advice. He was the Blair in his break up, and he needed some advice- and I was glad to give it. There were so many things that I wish that someone had told me while I was going through it, it's definitely a tough thing to go through. And I was glad that I could help him, even if it was Kevin (more on that later).

I decided after talking to him, and getting those messages from Chuck, that I would need a little time to think about it, what I was going to do next. I knew that I had two choices- I could either be there for him as a friend, when he needed me, or I could walk on and move on with my life. It definitely wasn't a small decision, and I knew I had to think about it.

The rest of the night, Matthew, Kayresia, and I did homework and hung out, as Love and Hip Hop played in the background. It was nice to just relax and spend time with them, not thinking about what was going on with my love life.

Suddenly, my phone went off.

Carter: You want to come to my place around 10 before class? I do owe you something ;)

"I just got a text from him asking to come over to his place before class," I said, as Matthew typed on his computer.

"From who?" Kayresia asked, from the kitchen. She was working on our Physics homework, as I blogged and Matthew wrote his paper.

"Carter," I said, laughing a bit. Was he really trying to do something now?

"Oh hell naw, you have to tell him heeellllll noooo," She said, singing the last two words. I laughed, and typed a response.

Blair: What do you owe me? I work until 10:30.
Carter: I do owe you a kiss.

Can't Wait

“You'll find another.' God! Banish the thought. Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

-

Shane: Wow you're popular tonight

Boy, he didn't even know it. I looked at the Snapchat from Dominic, and rolled my eyes at how he spelled there wrong, once again. Was it really so hard to add an e at the end?

I suddenly had a notification on my phone, and saw that Chuck had changed the chat colors. We weren't even talking and he managed to annoy the hell out of me.

And because of this, somehow, I found myself talking with him until five in the morning. I'm not going to go into detail at this extremely long conversation that we had. There was just way too much discussed for me to go into detail, but I'll try and explain the Cliff Note's version of what happened.

Chuck pretended like he wasn't mad about the fact that I stopped talking to him, but he was. He was upset that I dropped off the face of the earth, and I told him that communication was a two way street. He had my phone number, my Facebook, and he knew where I lived. He could have easily contacted me at any point. And he told me he didn't because it seemed like I didn't want to talk to him. But he missed me, of course.

He told me that of course he didn't like or want me to date and sleep with other guys. Chuck said that he didn't say anything (fucking idiot) because he felt like it wasn't his place to comment or say anything. Even though it upset him, and even though he obviously wasn't happy about it.

Chuck told me that he felt like he hadn't grown or matured in the past few months, or even since we broke up. All he had done was lock himself in his bedroom, and be by himself working on schoolwork. He dated no one, and didn't want to be with anyone. He literally isolated himself, and just was alone.

He told me that he knew something was wrong with him- and I had already known that. He told me that he didn't know how to properly convey his feelings or how to dictate how he was feeling. Of course, I already knew all of this, after being with him for over a year. He told me that he had his own issues to work out, and I agreed with him, this was definitely the case. I asked him to consider going to counseling. He said no.

Chuck told me that he's not in the place where he wants to be with anyone, he just wants to focus on school- because he doesn't have the ability to focus on a relationship and to contribute and give me what I've wanted. He told me that he'd be ready two years from now, and if two years from now I needed him to wait two years, he would wait for me. I asked him what he would do if I wasn't around two years from now, and he told me that he'd make a really good plan to get me back, the final, grand romantic gesture.

He told me that he wanted to be with me, and that he had missed everything from our relationship, but right now, he just couldn't give it to me. He literally told me, maybe two years from now.

And even though I told him we could be friends and wait and see, I don't know what I'm going to do, or what I even really should do.

I can't wait for anyone, and I won't wait for anyone. I am a firm believer that if someone wants to be with you, they will make it happen. And it honestly annoys me that I'm willing to compromise, and Chuck won't- he has this crazy two year wait time. And yes, I care about him, and he cares about me, but....I just can't wait for anyone. I can't wait two years, and to be honest, even if right this second he wanted to get back with me, I don't know if I could even do that. I don't know what I'd do.

Sure, in theory, being with Chuck sounds like a good ending- but it's so much more complicated than that. Who says I can wait two years, and who says in two years when he's ready, if he's going to want me? Who says that we're going to last after two years, and that in the future he's not going to bail again? Because I just can't get some things out of my head.

I can't get the fact that he's going to risk losing me, and his chance, when he could be with me. I can't understand why he would make me wait two years instead of trying to compromise, and how one day, he woke up and thought it was perfectly okay to just walk away from the love of his life. And to just walk away, without turning back. He let me go so easily, and left me, so easily. And I believe that if you love someone, you make shit happen.

You don't let them go, and you don't do it so easily. And I can't wait for anyone, even Chuck.

I put down the phone, and saw a notification, out of the corner of my eye.

Kevin: Hey, how about we have a talk some time?

Mutilated Gifts with Passive Aggressive Messages

"Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say, sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face. There's no one quite like you, you push all my buttons down."
-Pink

-

I looked at the blank page before me, and took a deep breath.

PROS:

• Actually made an effort for once- this time could be different
• Was your favorite person in the entire world, for a long time
• Knows you better than anyone else does in this planet
• Your brother loves him
• Dated for a year and a half
• Get along together extremely well
• Have crazy chemistry
• Gives the best kisses and cuddles
• Can tell in .2 milliseconds if you're upset
• Knows how to make you very happy
• Has stuck with you through bad times
• Knows everything about you
• Sexually compatible
• Perfect height ratio
• Made you smile when he texted you
• Is book smart
• Balanced you out when you were too Blair
• You two have fire
• Has made you the happiest you've ever been
• Knows your food and fashion tastes
• Loves your little quirks
• All the good relationship stuff
• You love(d)? him
• Lives by Jim's

CONS:

• Smashed your heart into five hundred pieces
• Has made you the saddest you've ever been
• Walked away from you after he threw you in a ditch
• Never stood up for you with his asshole friends
• Treated you like shit
• Apparently smells bad now
• Never read your blogs
• Can't even give you a grand gesture
• Does secretly asshole things
• Passive aggressive but calls you passive aggressive 
• Gave you back your panties and didn't wash them
• DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU FOR MONTHS UNTIL SERENA ASKED FOR YOUR SHIT BACK
• Doesn't communicate
• Potentially, actually, most likely a sociopath
• Could bail again in the future, easily
• Didn't even help you out of the goddamn ditch
• Thought you would be there for him even though he wasn't there for you
• COULD HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND
• Wrote on the back of your cute AF Hello Kitty figurine you made him
• Wasn't even remotely jealous when you had rebound sex
• Won't show up at 2 am with a boom box or cupcake
• Did not put in as much effort as you
• DUMPED YOU WHILE YOU WERE STRADDLING HIM IN A LACY BLACK SCALLOPED BRA
• Has stood you up before
• Probably would put his friends before you
• Has a really bitchy sister
• Defends people all the damn time
• Changed the chat colors
• Gets salty when I stop talking to him because he's an asshole, but doesn't actually ever make any effort to talk to me, because he's an asshole. And then sends salty passive aggressive messages and then writes more passive aggressive messages on cute Hello Kitty figurines that I make for him, and then sends more passive aggressive messages when all he had to do in the first fucking place was send a normal message OR show up at 2 am with a boombox outside of my fucking apartment.
• Annoys you even when he is not in your life

I looked at the notification, and saw that he changed the chat back from pink to blue. He was annoying me, and he wasn't in my life.

I honestly contemplated messaging him- to the point where I wrote out a message and then deleted it. Because I promise to blog honestly about my life, I will now paste the message that almost made its way to Chuck's inbox.

Blair: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ACTUALLY OKAY, why can't you just send a normal message like a normal human being asking to talk??? Okay, instead you send me some passive aggressive ass message and then you mutilate my hello kitty figuring by writing some more passive aggressive ass dumb shit on the back of it, and then you message me with some more dumb shit???? Like how about a "Blair can we talk" or a "Blair I miss you" like fuck I get that you're mad that I stopped talking to you but damn communication is a two way fucking street, you have a phone, my number, my Facebook, and you know where I live. Okay and you know what I'm like and my personality so you know damn well that I'm gonna need more than some pitiful passive aggressive messages as an attempt- EXAMPLE, I would consider a boom box playing music acceptable. I will not take any more mutilated gifts with passive aggressive messages written on them. Fuck, what is wrong with you? And it damn shows how much you pay attention because I changed that shit to pink MONTHS ago. Okay, and don't you fucking dare change it back because fuck you.

The Blue Hello Kitty

“If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her―then don't let her go.”
-Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

-

November 13, 2015

It had been a long night, and in my drunken state, I had just wanted to do two things- the first being to crawl into my bed, and cuddle up with my boyfriend, and the second being to get out of this dress and these heels. Friendsgiving had ended up being a total bust- and I didn't know what I was upset about more, the fact that my boyfriend's friends completely ruined the night, or that fact that my own boyfriend couldn't stand up for me. It was weird being in a relationship, but knowing that you weren't the only one- it seemed like his friends had been around too. He had always prioritized them, and let them tag along, or show up when we were having date nights. It was something I knew, but I had never thought that he wouldn't defend me.

But it was a long night, and it was finally coming to an end, as Chuck helped a very drunk Casey back to her apartment, and we had set off for mine. Kayresia and Regina ended up going to the strip club, and so, now, finally, it was just the two of us. As soon as we got into my room, I peeled off the burgundy dress, wrapped my arms around Chuck's neck, and pulled him into a kiss. He had wrapped his arms around my waist, and the two of us got on my bed, me straddling him in a black lacy ensemble. My bra was black lace and scalloped, and my matching black lace thong looked pretty sexy too- I flipped my perfectly curled hair over a shoulder, and bent down to kiss Chuck, and then, started heading downwards.

"Blair,-"

"Yeah?" I said, seductively, as I started to unbuckle his belt.

"We have to break up."

This was happening.

My boyfriend was breaking up with me, on one of the worst nights of my entire life. What would be considered one of the worst nights of my entire life, because of his friends. And he was doing this, as I was straddling him, half naked, about to give him oral sex. And the worst part about it- was that he couldn't even wait until after.

I'm going to leave out all of the nasty bits- especially the part where I begged my boyfriend, the person I thought I was going to be with forever, not to break up with me. I'm going to tell you though, that he told me that it wasn't me, and that he just didn't want to be in a relationship. He told me that he hated his job, school was stressing him out, and that he was having problems with his friends- he wasn't having problems with our relationship, but he just couldn't handle everything going on, and that he just copes by isolating himself. To this day, part of me still doesn't understand why he threw away the only functioning component of his life, and how it took me so damn long to realize that my boyfriend was bonafide crazy.

But this story isn't being told for us to go over the reason why Chuck and I broke up, no, because we all know why Chuck and I broke up, and we all know the aftermath of all of this (the Adele songs, the crying, the continual sex without a title, the promise of getting back together, and then that not happening....the list goes on). So, we're going to fast forward through the fighting, the crying, the arguing, until 3 am the next day.

"Are we ever going to get back together?" I asked, looking at Chuck. I wiped the tear running down his cheek, and he smiled.

"I don't know, maybe someday," He sniffled, as I kissed his shoulder, and then placed my head on his shoulder. We looked at each other in silence for a second, as he wrapped an arm around me.

"If you want to be with me, even if it's three years from now, you have to promise you'll say something- because you never say what you want to say."

"I promise, Blair."

"Even if I'm dating someone," I said, looking at him. "I'd want to know."

"Well, if you're dating someone I'm not going to-" I gave him a stern look.

"I'D WANT TO KNOW."

"Okay, okay, Blair," he said, laughing. "I just don't know what I'd even say."

I looked over at the corner of my shelf, and spotted a blue and black blob, with a matching pink blob next to it. I grabbed the two figures from my shelf, and sat down.

"Here's what we're going to do," I said, smiling at Chuck, "You're going to take the Chuck one," I placed the blue Hello Kitty figurine with glasses in his hand. I had made these for Chuck and I, as part of his birthday gift. "And I'm going to take the Blair one," I said, as I placed the pink painted Hello Kitty Figurine in my hand. "And whenever one of us decides that we want to be together again, or get back together, we'll just give our Hello Kitty back to the other person, so that the two them are together again. And the other person will just know." I said, as I started to cry. Chuck pulled me in closer, and kissed my forehead.

"Blair, please don't cry."

"And when they're together again, it'll mean that we're together again. But even if you forget him, and you decide you want to be with me, you have to tell me, I promise."

"I'll draw it on a sheet of paper," Chuck said, laughing. I put my pink Hello Kitty in my purse, and then tucked a curl behind my ear.

"I'll carry her with me," I whispered.

"Me too. I'll put him in my coat pocket."

"You promise me you'll say something?" I managed to say, as the tears started running down my cheek, and my voice started breaking up.

"I promise."

-

I gathered all of Chuck's things to be returned, and then, as I placed his Engineering World Health sweater, I noticed something on my shelf. The familiar pink and fuchsia blob was such a big part of that night, she represented the idea of hope, the promise of a potential future with Chuck, but did she even mean anything anymore? Chuck and I hadn't spoken to each other in weeks- and yes, I had made the initial choice to not talk to him.

I made the choice of leaving him behind, because I knew I could never move forward. And how could I move forward with him there, acting like he wanted to be with me, when he didn't? When you want to be with someone, you do anything for them- and that included making attempts to talk to them when they're trying to ignore you forever. Okay, maybe it was harsh that I hadn't said anything to him- but he also said nothing to me! Throughout our relationship it was always me caring too much, me trying, me doing anything and everything for him. And he had just let me go.

I grabbed the pink blob, placed it in his bag of things, and walked away. I had originally made the two of them as a gift for him, so he might as well have both of them.

-

"Are you looking for something?" Yael asked, as I rummaged through the bag.

I picked Godzilla out of my bag, and placed him in Chuck's bag. I had told Chuck that he should keep Godzilla, because he needed him more than I did. We had both gotten Godzilla a year ago, and he was this cute little tiny unicorn. Chuck took him when he went to Mexico, and I took Godzilla for the first month of our break up. But it didn't feel right to take him, as Chuck needed him more than I did.

"No," I said, as I rummaged through the bags. Nothing.

-

As I rummaged through the bag of things that Chuck had gotten me, I heard a clunk on my bed. I looked down, to see something I never thought I would again. The blue hello kitty figurine stared back at me, glasses and all.

Was he doing what I thought he was doing? As I picked it up, I felt blue duct tape on the back. I flipped it over, to see a message from Chuck.

Since you arn't taking to me, there is no point in me keeping this

He didn't spell aren't or talking right.

And he had no right to be mad at me for not talking to him. It had been 43 days since I stopped talking to him, as in 43 days since I stopped making the effort to talk to him. It had been 149 days since Chuck broke up with me, and smashed my heart to pieces. And not once did he make the effort to go out of his way to say something to me, until Serena went and asked for my stuff back. And I think that just says so much.

Yeah, he sent me a passive aggressive message, that happened. And he wrote another passive aggressive message on the back of a hello kitty figurine. But is that how you get someone back into your life? I deserved better than that, I deserved a real attempt, and real effort.

-

Blair: Has he picked his stuff up yet?
Yael: Not yet

I sat there, typing on my laptop, when my phone went off.

Yael: Just kidding he just did

I looked over to the blue hello kitty figurine beside me, I must have read that message hundreds of times since I had found it on my bed earlier that weekend.

Since you arn't taking to me, there is no point in me keeping this

When suddenly, I heard a notification.

Chuck: So you didn't want godzilla?

My heart started to beat, as I saw the little text bubble typing. What was happening.

Chuck: Also, why/how is this chat box pink????

What was I going to do?

Two Types of Nothing

“I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.”

-Veronica Roth, Divergent

-

March 17th, 2016

I stood there, just me and Rohan, as we waited for the Uber that he had called. It was St. Patrick's Day, and Anders and Johnson had completely disappeared. Shah was still in the bar, trying to get the waitress' number. And we stood there, just the two of us. Rohan was definitely cute, and Anders had suggested that he was the best one out of their whole group...

"So what's the deal with you and Johnson?" he asked, as a drunken mob walked past the two of us. People were still going pretty hard, as it was St. Patty's day. Rohan was on my wavelength though, where beer and pizza at one's apartment sounded much better than navigating through Lincoln Park, past the hordes of drunk people.

"We went on a couple dates, and then I-" I paused for a moment, and coughed. "I mean, we decided that we were better off friends, so he invited me out tonight!" 

Rohan looked at me, curiously.

"Nothing ever happened between the two of us, we never banged," I insisted, adamantly. Not even if Johnson was the last man in the entire would would I EVER consider even giving him a high five. (And this was before he had followed me twenty blocks, now I am tremendously disgusted by him). 

"So you friendzoned him? Are you sure you don't want to bang him?"

And with those two questions, the coffin was nailed shut. My chances of dating any first year med students had been sealed, especially the one standing right next to me.

-

It had been almost a month since Johnson and I became friends again, and for whatever reason, I seemed to think that he could be somewhat useful, and somewhat a decent friend.

"No way in hell he's going to give your number to that guy," Matthew had said, that night at the bar.

"Maybe he's gotten over it, and he's going to be a good person and give my number to Rohan," I responded, as I took a bite out of my cilantro chicken tacos. "He's not that terrible." Matthew gave me a look, as he picked up another couple friends.

"Really, he's not terrible." 

"You know he likes you, and you know he can't tell the difference between pepper and brown sugar!"

That was a very valid point. Very legitimate. I took a sip out of my water and shrugged my shoulders. Maybe Johnson wouldn't be a terrible person about it?"

-

Johnson: Like I've never been in this position before. It's unorthodox.

I groaned. Matthew and Shane were right- was I really expecting Johnson to be normal about it? Johnson Baker is a simple minded, and incredibly entitled man. He's tremendously annoying, and if you couldn't tell by the fact that he followed me twenty blocks interrogating me as to why I didn't want to date him and why I wasn't attracted to him, he is, and was the worst type of guy possible. I have never understood guys that think they have claim on a woman- like how Johnson thought there was this whole huge thing between the two of us, as if we were lovers and now I was being a huge bitch about it. 

I'm not some stupid girl who thinks she can be friends with everyone- hell, do you see me never talking to Chuck again? But there's the difference there- Chuck and I were in love for almost two years, if any of this stuff happened between us (which it wouldn't, because we aren't friends, I would never think any of his friends are cute, and I wouldn't try to be friends with him), he would have every damn right to be upset or act weird. 

But Johnson and I literally went on like, two dates. I gave him like, one peck that was absolutely disgusting, and I wasn't attracted to him. And we are friends- to the point where he talks about banging what he considers to be MILFs, I talk about dates, and he has absolutely no fucking claim on me, whatsoever. BECAUSE WHAT WE HAD WAS LITERALLY NOTHING. And I don't know why it is so hard for his tiny brain to understand this concept, but he literally has no reason to act as if I'm off limits, or his, or as if this is some crazy weird situation. 

And it's not just on the whole me thinking his friend is cute thing, it's also a general thing that he does. Every time I turn down a guy, he acts like a vigilante for them, as if he is their masked hero, under the rude and completely uncalled for rejection by Blair Bui. He judges me, and acts like I'm this huge bitch that just rejects guys for my amusement- and guess what? I'm not! I'm just looking for that magic- and I damn well deserve it! 

I had known our friendship wouldn't last for long, considering the fact that he obviously is feeling some kind of way, and he is such a petty asshole about it, but there was a small part of me that hoped he could be just a normal dumb ass, and that we could be friends. And not this petty, entitled, annoying, stupid, dumb asshole.

Blair: What position?

I bet you five hundred dollars, that he says "setting up a girl that I went on dates with, with someone I know" or something along those lines.

Johnson: Idk like trying to hook someone up with people in the same social circle. Particularly someone I went on a couple dates with.

HE LITERALLY HAS NO CLAIM ON ME WHATSOEVER. 

Okay, I would be mad too in his case if we were madly in love, or dated, or he was my boyfriend, or something VALID. Or even if we had sex or made out!

BUT WE LITERALLY WENT ON LIKE TWO DATES AND I DIDN'T LIKE HIM AND HE CLAIMED HE ONLY WANTED TO BANG ME.

OKAY, and the fact that he acts weird about it, really annoyed me and blew my mind. I had refrained from yelling at him, or bitching at him many times before. All the times that Kayresia, Serena, Shane, Matthew, etc had told me that they would have been completely done with Johnson's ass, I just bit my tongue and didn't say anything.

Johnson: I'm not jealous/mad or even uncomfortable about that part, but like I said it's unusual.

"What a fucking liar," I had thought to myself. I must have said it to myself too, because Carter stopped listening to his lecture, and turned to face me.

"Are you okay?"

I must have been extremely stupid that day, because not only did I think Johnson would do me a solid without being a complete asshole about it, but I had also agreed to study with Carter. Who also, was annoying as fuck. 

"I'm fine," I said, ignoring him.

"You really should be studying," he said. I gave him a dirty look too, because he was THREE lectures behind me. Carter and I had been done, long before his whack ass told me that he would finally take me on a date when school ends. As in, when the semester is over, a month from now. He was entitled, just like Johnson, except whereas Carter didn't find ways to remotely annoy me like Johnson did. But he was still on the same level of annoying, where he thought he was so great, that I would wait a month for him.

BITCH, I didn't even wait for Chuck's ass, and I was with that mofo for a year and a half!

I started to type up my response, and at this point, I knew that our friendship was over, and that I wouldn't be able to date anyone else from his class either. With all the nonsense he said to my face, who knew what this jerk said about me behind my back?

Blair: Okay literally for like the ten millionth time we went on three dates, I didn't like you and I wasn't attracted to you. Life moves on, people aren't attracted to people and people don't want to date people. It's a normal phenomenon and it happens. And it shouldn't be considered unusual because shit happens, unless you take personal offense, which you shouldn't because it was three tiny dates and not a big deal at all.

Johnson: And like I said for the millionth time I don't care or have an issue with hooking you up with my friends, I really don't, otherwise I would have said no. It's just a position I've never been in before. I have no problem with it, I've just never done this before.

"BITCH PLEASE!"

Carter turned and looked at me, as I ignored him again.

Blair: You've never set people up before? It's like a normal thing that normal humans do.

Johnson: Yeah I've done it before.

Blair: Then it shouldn't be unusual at all!

And this is the part where Johnson Baker, the gremlin man-child nearly dies.

Johnson: I mean here's I think what gets me. Literally right after I said I'd be friends with you, you start asking me to hook you up with people, and I really get the feeling that's my only use to you. I really don't care who in my school you see or bang, but if I'm just an accessory to that then I see nothing in it for me.

"I see nothing in it for me."

I won't be friends with guys I've dated or gone on dates with, or whatever, because they are never cool about it. They are never chill, and at some point, these assholes always make me uncomfortable by asking me (or interrogating me) about why I won't-

1. bang them
2. date them
3. both

And it's something that genuinely bothers me, because the agreement of being friends with your previous date (or whatever), WITHOUT any romantic vibes, is that you are literally fucking friends, and that's it. It's not like I cuddle or go on dates with these mofos, I literally do normal friend activities, and talk about guys, and they talk about girls. And I always hope and pray for a normal friendship, and it never happens, because they always say they see nothing in it for them- because apparently, me being their friend is nothing. Me, sitting there, talking to them, listening to them, hanging out with them is "nothing in it for them." Me, being a friend- "nothing for them." And they say this, because do you know what they would consider something to them?

ME BANGING THEM.

OKAY, when was it impossible for guys and girls to become friends? To hang out normally without asking weird shit, or interrogating someone for twenty blocks? Because Johnny did the exact same shit, and he asked me why I wouldn't have sex with him, and once I told him I wasn't going to- he said he was out, because there was nothing in it for them. 

Am I missing something there? Because when I tell someone that WE ARE LITERALLY PLATONIC FRIENDS AND NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN, it means, WE ARE LITERALLY PLATONIC FRIENDS AND NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN. It is not pre-foreplay. It is not a segue-way to fucking. It is the friends path, where we hang out, drink beer, eat pizza, and guess what- ARE FRIENDS. 

And I promise I don't flirt with them, or walk around half naked. I always meet them in public places, pay for my own shit, and insist that we are friends. FRIENDS. And I swear to you- Johnson Baker is a terrible wingman. He would literally announce to EVERYONE that I wanted to meet a specific guy and make me look thirsty as hell. LITERALLY. But I'm not here to talk about how he obviously likes me, and is an embarrassing man-child.

Blair: 

1.  I know I did that, I did that to reinforce that I didn't want to date you and wasn't interested in you. And I thought I would be able to set you up with some of my friends but none of them are interested. Oh well.
2. We were on the track of being normal friends until you followed me for twenty blocks? Do you not understand how absolutely crazy and ludicrous that is- especially calling me inconsiderate and acting like I was at fault??? Because I definitely wasn't and that was weird as hell and also quite rude as hell.
3. I have plenty of guy friends and if you need a reference they'll tell you that I'm a pretty chill lady and that I like beer, but none of them weirded me out and offended me like that, which is why I think I have the not-so-subtle hint of coldness and sass.
4. Idk why you expect me to be something more than a friend because this whole time it seems like you've got some unresolved feelings and it's awkward, it's obvious from how rude AF you are when it comes to me and guys, the false assumptions and judgment and questions of my character
5. I don't need anyone to meet people, I just said he was cute! It happens, life happens.

 Johnson: Look, I really don't care to point fingers and argue

That's because all the fingers are pointed at you.

Johnson: I think it's best we just cut things off.
Blair: Good, because I don't think I can tolerate any more accusations and interrogations of my character.

I put down my phone, done talking to that asshole, and looked at the asshole next to me. Carter looked at me, shocked. And that stupid look on his face simply irritated me, if we're going to be honest. My phone went off, with another text from Johnson, attempting to converse further and to end things on a good note.

But I knew that my fate was sealed, I would not be going on a date with Rohan, or possibly any other med student at this school.