My Soup Snake

"'Soul mates' is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes."

-Mindy Kaling

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Chuck had made the effort to message me- quite enthusiastically, if I might add, which made this decision even worse. He seemed to be happier than he had been, the ghost of the person that he used to be was fading away, and the real Chuck was coming back. It was something I could just sense, something that I could just feel, something that I just knew. That's how it was when it came to him.

I won't say the two of us are soul mates, most definitely, possibly, most likely not. It terrifies me sometimes thinking that Chuck could be my soul mate, especially considering that he is ridiculously confusing, tremendously annoying, and tremendously ridiculous. It's a genuine fear, honestly, that he is my person- it's also a slightly exciting idea, but don't ever tell him that I said that. I don't want to boost his ego like that.

It's the universe laughing at me, saying, "Blair, you can't have a real functional and spectacular relationship, but you get to be in this weird emotional limbo with this crazy that could potentially be the love of your life." Because out of all the places I could be, I am here, wondering what exactly I am going to do, what exactly I should do, and why me. Why me, why have I been so blessed to be in this spot with Chuck?

Because it's not that easy as walking away- because my being around is making him happy, and making him okay. And Chuck is very much not okay.

Chuck was fine (as far as I know) when we first broke up, because I was still around. While I was emotionally destroying myself by being in love with him, and being there for him, and loving him, he was living a very happy life. Because I was still in his life- doing all these things for him, and he didn't have to be my boyfriend. He didn't have to do anything, and I was still around, making him happy and spending time with him. But I wasn't fine, because I was falling apart, madly in love with him, and it was tearing me apart.

And then, one day, I realized that he couldn't just have me around without being with me, he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, and then I left. And that's when Chuck started isolating himself even more, he started losing all that weight, and getting very greasy. That's when Chuck started to smell bad, and look bad, and that is when he was starting to fall apart. And that's also when I started to be happy, and I started to be okay.

And I'm not saying that being with Chuck didn't make me happy- it did. It did 150 days ago, when we were still dating. But when we were together after we broke up, it was emotionally confusing and heartbreaking.

And that's where I am right now, wondering what I'm going to even say or what I'm going to even do, because even though he's happy and he's okay now- what if I start falling apart? I can't go into this, potentially hurting myself, and breaking myself, so that Chuck can be alright. But at the same time, can I walk away knowing that he could potentially fall apart to pieces?

A small, selfish part of me thinks that's maybe what I need to do- to just leave him, so he can fall apart to pull himself together. To realize what he's really lost and what's really going on. But what if he falls apart, and he only gets worse?

BUT I CAN'T be there for him, and give him everything, and let myself fall apart at the same time either. I'm at this point, at this game, where it's my move- except I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I could be the girl that didn't care, the girl that could just laugh it off, and walk away. But I'm not.

"You're a hopeless romantic at heart," Matthew said, looking at me. "You really are."

I gave him a smug look. "I am, but it's a secret, and you can't tell anyone." It turned out that Kevin just wanted someone to talk. I had thought that he was hitting me up because of a really bombtastic selfie that I posted, but it was genuinely because he wanted advice. He was the Blair in his break up, and he needed some advice- and I was glad to give it. There were so many things that I wish that someone had told me while I was going through it, it's definitely a tough thing to go through. And I was glad that I could help him, even if it was Kevin (more on that later).

I decided after talking to him, and getting those messages from Chuck, that I would need a little time to think about it, what I was going to do next. I knew that I had two choices- I could either be there for him as a friend, when he needed me, or I could walk on and move on with my life. It definitely wasn't a small decision, and I knew I had to think about it.

The rest of the night, Matthew, Kayresia, and I did homework and hung out, as Love and Hip Hop played in the background. It was nice to just relax and spend time with them, not thinking about what was going on with my love life.

Suddenly, my phone went off.

Carter: You want to come to my place around 10 before class? I do owe you something ;)

"I just got a text from him asking to come over to his place before class," I said, as Matthew typed on his computer.

"From who?" Kayresia asked, from the kitchen. She was working on our Physics homework, as I blogged and Matthew wrote his paper.

"Carter," I said, laughing a bit. Was he really trying to do something now?

"Oh hell naw, you have to tell him heeellllll noooo," She said, singing the last two words. I laughed, and typed a response.

Blair: What do you owe me? I work until 10:30.
Carter: I do owe you a kiss.