Can't Wait

“You'll find another.' God! Banish the thought. Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

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Shane: Wow you're popular tonight

Boy, he didn't even know it. I looked at the Snapchat from Dominic, and rolled my eyes at how he spelled there wrong, once again. Was it really so hard to add an e at the end?

I suddenly had a notification on my phone, and saw that Chuck had changed the chat colors. We weren't even talking and he managed to annoy the hell out of me.

And because of this, somehow, I found myself talking with him until five in the morning. I'm not going to go into detail at this extremely long conversation that we had. There was just way too much discussed for me to go into detail, but I'll try and explain the Cliff Note's version of what happened.

Chuck pretended like he wasn't mad about the fact that I stopped talking to him, but he was. He was upset that I dropped off the face of the earth, and I told him that communication was a two way street. He had my phone number, my Facebook, and he knew where I lived. He could have easily contacted me at any point. And he told me he didn't because it seemed like I didn't want to talk to him. But he missed me, of course.

He told me that of course he didn't like or want me to date and sleep with other guys. Chuck said that he didn't say anything (fucking idiot) because he felt like it wasn't his place to comment or say anything. Even though it upset him, and even though he obviously wasn't happy about it.

Chuck told me that he felt like he hadn't grown or matured in the past few months, or even since we broke up. All he had done was lock himself in his bedroom, and be by himself working on schoolwork. He dated no one, and didn't want to be with anyone. He literally isolated himself, and just was alone.

He told me that he knew something was wrong with him- and I had already known that. He told me that he didn't know how to properly convey his feelings or how to dictate how he was feeling. Of course, I already knew all of this, after being with him for over a year. He told me that he had his own issues to work out, and I agreed with him, this was definitely the case. I asked him to consider going to counseling. He said no.

Chuck told me that he's not in the place where he wants to be with anyone, he just wants to focus on school- because he doesn't have the ability to focus on a relationship and to contribute and give me what I've wanted. He told me that he'd be ready two years from now, and if two years from now I needed him to wait two years, he would wait for me. I asked him what he would do if I wasn't around two years from now, and he told me that he'd make a really good plan to get me back, the final, grand romantic gesture.

He told me that he wanted to be with me, and that he had missed everything from our relationship, but right now, he just couldn't give it to me. He literally told me, maybe two years from now.

And even though I told him we could be friends and wait and see, I don't know what I'm going to do, or what I even really should do.

I can't wait for anyone, and I won't wait for anyone. I am a firm believer that if someone wants to be with you, they will make it happen. And it honestly annoys me that I'm willing to compromise, and Chuck won't- he has this crazy two year wait time. And yes, I care about him, and he cares about me, but....I just can't wait for anyone. I can't wait two years, and to be honest, even if right this second he wanted to get back with me, I don't know if I could even do that. I don't know what I'd do.

Sure, in theory, being with Chuck sounds like a good ending- but it's so much more complicated than that. Who says I can wait two years, and who says in two years when he's ready, if he's going to want me? Who says that we're going to last after two years, and that in the future he's not going to bail again? Because I just can't get some things out of my head.

I can't get the fact that he's going to risk losing me, and his chance, when he could be with me. I can't understand why he would make me wait two years instead of trying to compromise, and how one day, he woke up and thought it was perfectly okay to just walk away from the love of his life. And to just walk away, without turning back. He let me go so easily, and left me, so easily. And I believe that if you love someone, you make shit happen.

You don't let them go, and you don't do it so easily. And I can't wait for anyone, even Chuck.

I put down the phone, and saw a notification, out of the corner of my eye.

Kevin: Hey, how about we have a talk some time?