When Blair Finally Leaves Chuck, For Real.

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”
-John Green, Paper Towns 

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Sometimes I think that if I had never talked to him again after Friendsgiving, then I would have never ever been in this mess. And then, I think that if I had never talked to him again, and listened to Shane, then I would have never been in this mess. If I had done either of those things, I wouldn't have written that personal statement that got him that internship, or those two papers for his Jazz History class. I also wouldn't have fallen in and out of love with his whack ass, like sixty times over the span of six months. And I wouldn't have known for sure that there was nothing worth staying for.

It's actually kind of ridiculous, what happened this time, how Chuck literally disappeared. We were so close to going back to where we were, we had already fallen into bad habits. But even as I began to fall back into my old habits, I couldn't help but feel like this wasn't what was supposed to happen, and this wasn't what I deserved. I couldn't shake this gut feeling that I deserved better than all of this. 

In the months that I had been on my own, I had learned so much, and I had grown so much. I had learned to mend my broken heart, and how to stand on my own two feet, as the entire universe looked at me in pity, as if I was missing something. As everyone looked at me, thinking, "Poor Blair, she's all by herself after Chuck left her," I actually felt more complete than I had in the nearly two years that I spent with Chuck. I might have been by myself, but I had never felt stronger or fulfilled in my life.

And when we started talking again, I couldn't help but feel like I had grown so much, and that he was still the same. He was the exact same asshole that threw me into a ditch, the same asshole who broke my heart on my favorite fictitious holiday. The same guy who cared more about a laminar flow hood than he cared about me, the same guy who treated me like garbage and his asshole friends like they were gold. The same guy who lied and was faker than the shirts he brought back from Mexico.

And now, looking back, I'm ashamed that I was so foolish, and I'm ashamed that it took so long for me to finally leave him behind. But I think life happens for a reason, and people show up in our lives for a reason. They teach us lessons, whether good or bad, and I think from all of this I've learned that people really can change. One day, they're making you laugh uncontrollably and rubbing your tummy when it hurts, and the next they're getting randomly mad at you and disappearing to Mexico. And from these relationships, you learn what you want, and what you don't. 

But the only way you can really move on is by leaving. It's the hardest thing you can do, and it's what I struggled with the most. By leaving, you give up, you let go of hope, and you let go of any chance that anything could happen. But the truth of the matter is, no matter how hard it may be, often times, when you leave something, you go on to find something much, much better. And as hard as it was, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I just had to move forward, and that I had to leave him behind.