Boss Ass Bitch Blair Condoms

"The key Mindy, is to find a man who you are attracted to, but don't respect and can't see a future with."

-Dr. Jeremy Reed, The Mindy Project

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Rafael and I had ended up texting for a while, after I sent that text. After flirting, some back and forth banter, and the acknowledgement that neither of us had plans for that night, I agreed to go see his new place in Lakeview.

That is, after I went to Target.

Rafael kept trying to tell me that there was a Target in his area and that I should just come over, but I had to make him walk. Plus, full disclosure, I was kind of sweaty and gross from walking to get Mario's Iced Lemonade, then waiting in line amongst the college boys trying to impress girls and suburban tourist families. By the time I walked to Target, my messy waves had collapsed and I was sweaty and gross. My chic floral printed loose romper, green Tory Burch inspired sandal ensemble was no longer as chic as I had intended. Mostly because the model was now sweaty and gross.

As I walked into Target, I threw my hair into a messy bun as it cooled off from the humid air outside. I ran around the beauty department, throwing a mini Dove deodorant in my cart, and hurried, until I realized that this time, Rafael was waiting on me. I took my time walking around Target, picking up a lip and cheek stain, some Listerine strips, and as I passed the condoms, I paused for a moment.

Did I need condoms?!

A million thoughts ran through my mind, in approximately this order:

• Are you going to have sex with him, Blair?
• Didn't you learn last time that having sex on the first date is a relationship killer?
• Like it totally kills any chance of a relationship.
• BUT WAIT
• I don't want a relatonship...especially with Rafael
• I mean he's super hot and tall and hilarious, but he's also a total asshole
• A really, really sexy and super confident asshole
• I'M GOING TO DO IT
• I'm going to have casual sex
• Blair Bui, you are killin' it at this single thing
• Oh my god
• Oh my god, I'm Mindy Kaling in that one episode where she tries to have casual sex
• She says to choose someone that's super hot, but that you don't respect....THAT WOULD BE RAFAEL IN A NUTSHELL
• Wait doesn't she fall in love with that guy she hooks up with?
• And he leaves her for a super hot small Asian woman?
• But I'm a small Asian woman!
• OKAY, Blair, focus. Condoms.
• Oh my god, this is the condom aisle that Chuck was in the first time I asked him to buy us condoms.
• That was actually kinda cute, he was soo nervous that he stood in the condom aisle for twenty minutes because he just didn't know. And he bought the max protection!
• Oh my god, why are these condoms $4 for a three pack?
• Do I really need to buy condoms?
• I mean, he's a guy, he should have condoms, right?
• Blair, you shouldn't assume that he's just going to have condoms...
• Wait, should I even be assuming that we are going to have sex?
• How many women buy condoms? Is it sexist to assume that the guy should get the condoms?
• Okay, well... just buy the damn condoms. Knowing Rafael's ass, he won't have condoms.
• Condoms are $4, Plan B is $40....children are like 250k total to raise according to that article on Jezebel.
• Oh my god, 250k. 
• I could buy so many Kate Spades.

I threw the condoms in my cart, and vowed that they would now be the Boss Ass Bitch Blair Condoms, and not the Chuck condoms. In order to get rid of some bad memories, you gotta make some good ones, right? I walked around a bit, taking my time, until Rafael texted me, asking if I was coming still.

Blair: Let me pay for my shit at Target, damn.

I called the Uber, and it eventually arrived. A bitchy girl with a Whole Foods bag was in the car, and we picked up a girl with a bright indigo Rebecca Minkoff Mini Mac, Whole Foods had judged me hardcore as I tried to resurrect my melted hair, and throw some cheek stain on my cheeks. I put on my current favorite lipstick (Rapture by Urban Decay, it's a pinkish berry color), and secretly put on the ninety nine cent mini deodorant that I put in the back of the car.

The ride was so long, and we passed so many Taco Bells that I began questioning my life decisions and was highly tempted to ditch Rafael for a beefy crunch burrito. We drove down Irving Park road, towards Rafael's building, and as we got closer, my heart beat a bit faster in nervousness.

I hadn't had casual sex in a long, long, long time.

I'm not going to count Johnny, because I was so sad and heartbroken over Chuck, but the last time I had casual sex was with Toronto...and with Jake Reagan. The thing with them though was that they were charming and very nice guys, Toronto more of a friend, and Jake a guy that I thought I loved when I was eighteen. Rafael, however, was not charming, nor my friend, nor lovable. He was Rafael.

To recall: 

February 2016, Rafael: And yes, you can be mad at me all you want. The funny thing is that I never planned on ignoring you and not hitting you up. I was gonna honor the whole date thing. Why not? But then you send some psycho ass text. And continue to text me shit insulting me. Whatever though, thanks for letting me know I dodged a bullet from the beginning.

(He totally planned on ignoring me and never hitting me up. He was not going to honor the whole date thing.)

Rafael was twenty three, ridiculously handsome, and full of cockiness and swagger. He knew how to charm women and how to manipulate them, he treated women that he slept with as if they were expendable, as if they were used tissues. He reeked of secret resentment, and I think he became that way because some girl smashed his heart to bits, and created this monster that lives off of casual sex and that coasts through life.

Which is what Rafael had been doing- he had a steady (but not permanent in any way, or serious) job, he had partied and slept around with women (more on this later), and he had coasted through life on good looks and confidence. But even though he was sailing through life, he didn't know what he was doing or where he was going, he had no destination. And it was clear looking at him that he didn't want anyone with him for the journey.

The Uber dropped me off in front of the massive complex.

He lived in 3950, which was a nice looking building with doormen and security- far more impressive than my student staffed University owned apartment. I was impressed at the upgrade in housing that he made, considering that he used to live in the boondocks in a frat boy-style housing situation. Maybe in the months since Rafael and I spoke, he grew the fuck up.

I walked into the cream and beige metallic themed lobby, where a doorman sat at a desk.

"I'm here to see Rafael in 214," I said, smiling politely. The doorman scanned me from head to toe, taking in every detail about me. I wondered for a brief second if Rafael had said something about me, if he had made some remark or told crazy stories about "that Asian girl from Tinder." He gave me a small nod, and then asked me to sign in, before buzzing me into the building.

As soon as I opened the door, with each step I took, my heart beat faster, until I turned the corner and saw him staring right at me.

I was in for trouble.