Tremendously Unbreezy

"So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."
-Monica Geller, Friends

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In one episode of Friends, Monica (me AF) says that she is "breezy" when she leaves her ex boyfriend a voicemail, even though she was conspicuous as fuck. Urban Dictionary defines breezy as "acting cool and aloof so the person you're talking to doesn't think you're trying too hard." I am not breezy. I am not aloof. I am extremely obvious, ridiculous conspicuous, and tremendously unbreezy. I drink La Croix for god's sake, even my water is trying too damn hard.

But we aren't talking about ex-boyfriends (he shall not be named after he pissed me off... The time in July, not the time every other month he's made me want to claw his eyes out), we are talking about my awkward attempt at casual sex. You see, every time I've been in a casual sex relationship not relationship situation, the guy has always hit me up (Johnny) or he showed up when I told him to (Jake). So when Rafael completely ignored my question about the dirty picture I had sent him, and then proceeded to NOT make future sex plans with me, I was honestly floored.

I mean, it's not like I was naming our future children or planning to leave tampons and thongs all over his apartment-- the only thing I needed from him was for him to have fucking toilet paper and to stop waking me up at two in the morning for absolute nonsense! AND for him to tell me what his roommate was cooking in that stupid crockpot at three in the morning. And I thought Chuck's friends were weird!

Was I approaching things the wrong way? Maybe in my attempt to NOT date him, it had completely deterred him from wanting to ever see me again. I mean, I wore sexy as hell underwear (although that's never stopped a boy from dumping me... *cough* friendsgiving 2016), I was funny and chill (or at least what I thought was funny and chill), I was casual and indifferent about him, and I left in the morning and didn't demand him to pay for my uber, walk me out, or order me breakfast. And I didn't even text him or say anything until the next time I wanted to smash... Wasn't this how booty calls worked?

Why on earth would I be extra nice, extra sweet and flirtatious, try to trick him into relationship things, and text him regularly? I did that already--and it led me into being fooled for the ten millionth time by Chuck! All that wasted energy could have gone into something useful, like learning to play the piccolo or perfecting risotto.

You know, I went to the Taste of Chicago with Yael, and he told me that Chuck wrote in his staff yearbook thing (I don't even know, Campus Housing is weird), "Even though Blair got custody of you, we still have to hang out." YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. Yael risk his life and hang out with my ex boyfriend/archenemy? I don't know what possessed Chuck to write that, he should have just written the truth, "Yael, I want to pretend to be a good person to spite Blair, because we both know she's annoyed as hell that after our breakup everyone thinks she's the Asian spawn of Satan and that I am a Latino Angel."

Yael, also, after hearing about why I'm done with Chuck (this time), said, "How do you deal with this? I would have been so done."

ANSWER: I don't. I don't talk to him and I don't deal with the shit.

But I digress.

I thought that I had done everything right, I had acted sexy, but cool. Casual, but kind (okay, maybe I was kind of a bitch, but he deserved it!). Wasn't this what guys wanted? A carefree, independent, hot girl that would be willing to have regular sex with them, without commitment.

"Have you thought that maybe he likes you?"

And I've gone over this, for the ten millionth time. Chuck will probably be in a relationship before. Rafael will ever, Rafael is far too busy having irresponsibly casual sex with random girls. He's less serious than a mullet, more careless than a biker without a helmet. He literally gives no fucks, and he's not going to give that up for anyone. He's Rafael- asshole extraordinaire and player.

Even my regular sex commitment that I wanted was probably too much for him.

With Chuck busy making flow hoods and stupid lamps, and Rafael off fucking all of Chicago, I was exhausted and tired of all the nonsense. I was overworked, stressed as fuck, and way too busy with everything going on in my life. Maybe I was a fool to think that things would come easily- that Chuck and I would get back together and live happily after, or that Rafael and I would get under each other until I lived happily ever after. Finding someone isn't easy, even if you're trying to have casual sex.

But that's why they call it one in a million--because it's rare and extraordinary.

Sometimes people think that they should go back to their ex because they feel lonely or comfortable with their ex, but that doesn't mean that you should stay... It means that you haven't found the right person yet. You can't settle for comfortable or base your decision on what previously worked or previously made you happy. Because it's the present now, and this is when you make decisions for the future. And maybe magic will come soon, or maybe it will come years from now. Regardless, you can't just give up the hope that there's someone phenomenal out there.

So yeah, maybe I hadn't found the guy or the booty call of my dreams, but I was healthy, happy, and surrounded by people that I care about. I was moving forward and meeting new people, exploring new things and places. And I was going to be perfectly fine.