“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”
-Woody Allen
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As Rafael ignored my texts, I decided that it was a lost cause. Okay, first I analyzed everything that happened between us since we met in early February in excruciating detail, reread texts, and let him annoy the living daylights out of me. But then, I decided it was a lost cause.
Okay, he isn't even that hot...I don't even want to have sex with him anymore!
Except he is stupid hot, and I may possibly would sleep with him again.
You see, in moments like this, people often distract themselves with
And then suddenly, without any warning, it hit me. It hit me like when Kayresia asked Louis what his intentions were at Carnivale. It hit me like how Chuck spontaneously dumped me after the Friendsgiving from Hell (I don't think I will ever be able to blog about that) even though I straddling him in a black scalloped lace bra. It hit me like that booze hit Chuck the night he showed up drunk at two am and threw up everywhere. Spontaneously, ridiculously, randomly out of fucking no where, it hit me like a monster truck with flames painted on the sides.
And I stood there in the school supplies aisle, having quite possibly the most melodramatic moment of my life.
You know that moment in the movie when the main character walks and has an inner monologue to themselves as sad music plays, like some super depressing epiphany? That was me!
Well, you know, except I didn't start my monologue yet.
As I put the green pens back on the hook, I thought to myself, "Wow, I miss Chuck so fucking much." The feeling overwhelmed me, and it just hit me out of completely nowhere.
"I miss talking to him, and seeing his stupid broken nose. Having him text me when I'm freaking out, or having him tell me that shit's going to be okay. I miss cuddling with him at night, and having him sana sana my stomach when it hurts. I miss going out on dates, and binge watching Hulu. I miss the late night conversations, and staying up so late to the point where he says, 'Blair it is too fucking late.' I miss all of it, whether I want to admit it or not, I miss Chuck. And there's no kidding that I'm definitely attracted to Rafael, and totally secretly into him...and he definitely doesn't want me either. And I'm not the girl that wastes time or needs a guy to want her, but-"
"Hey, do you go to UNI?" A random guy asked, completely interrupting my internal monologue.
I stopped in my tracks, and resisted the urge to wheel my cart away, and to ignore him completely. Out of all the moments that he could have stopped me, he chose now? During my main character internal monologue moment? I mean, c'mon! This was the moment in Clueless when "All By Myself" plays and Cher walks around in the shops, contemplating her life.
"Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Rafael, I was wrong about Chuck, and now Chuck hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless... Oh and this whole Blair and Chuck thing was wiggin' me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Chuck is my pal, I don't begrudge him as a boyfriend. I really... (looks into a store window) Oooh! I wonder if they have that in my size! (comes out of the store with bags in tow) What do I want with Chuck anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to weird Mexican music, he's not even cute in a conventional way... I mean, he's just like this slug that hangs around the labs all the time! Ugh! And he's a hideous dancer, couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about, this is like, Chuck. Okay, okay......so he's kind of a Baldwin. What would I want with Radael, I couldn't make him happy, Rafael needs someone with an open imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his terrible jokes in case he ever makes any...the suddenly....(pause) Oh my god! I like Chuck! I'm majorly, totally, butt crazy in like with Chuck! But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean normally I'd strut around in my cutest little outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn't do that stuff with Chuck."
**I modified the original monologue from Clueless (1995)
***I also do not love Chuck Cuevas at all.
But seriously, where the actual fuck did this guy come from? Could he not tell that I was deep in my fucking thoughts and having a Clueless internal monologue?
I had a brief flashback to the last time a guy tried to pick me up in Target.
Was this a new thing now? I feel like a girl really shouldn't have men try to ask her out on dates more than once in a Target. Maybe Men's Health dubbed it a new thing- picking up uninterested girls during inappropriate times at Target, especially when they are having an internal monologue.
I could tell you all what the conversation was like in detail, but honestly all I remember is me being completely disinterested, and him grilling me with questions as I looked at the display of squeeze tube applesauce behind him.
"I know it's okay to miss Chuck, sometimes, and to want a little more effort from Rafael as-"
"What's you name?" Random Target man asked me, once again interrupting my thoughts. I had completely forgot that he was trying to talk to me, as I had completely zoned out in my thoughts.
After a lukewarm conversation, he finally left me alone, and I wheeled off.
Yeah, the way I felt about Rafael and Chuck were different, one was a matter of sex, and the other was a matter of love (gag), but the common denominator of both was that they were annoying the living fuck out of me.
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"I was supposed to go on a date with this guy, but I lied to him and told him that I was going to get back with my ex boyfriend." That had been my go-to excuse, for a multitude of reasons. Trust me, after having Johnson Baker follow me twenty blocks asking me why I wouldn't date him, and having the guy from Fannie May standing on the beach begging me to go on another date, I've learned that it's best that you don't flat out say that you're not interested in them. It crushes their fragile ego, and not only will they never leave you alone, but they'll ruin your chances at dating their hot friends (*COUGH* COLLEGE OF MEDICINE ST. BALDRICK'S EVENT 2016).
"You have to stop doing that," Kayresia said, as she told me about this new guy she was seeing. I was really happy for her, if anyone deserved to be with someone great, it was her!
"It's just... I just don't want to waste my time unless they're really great."
"How are you supposed to know that they're great if you keep lying to them and blowing them off?" She laughed for a bit, and then continued telling me about what she had been up to.
"There's just not any guys around here," I admitted, as I zipped up my green Kate Spade bag. "And maybe it's because I'm jaded because of everything that happened with Chuck. I mean, of course I'm fine but having that kind of stuff happen to you changes your perspective on things."
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"What about all the guys barking up your tree?" Vance asked, as he wrote something on the office whiteboard. "They all sound pretty nice."
"Like the one who tried asking me out in Target?"
"Why are guys always asking you out in grocery stores?" Cora asked, raising an eyebrow.
I'm sure all of you remember, but there was that one other guy who asked me out while Audrey was buying Yeezys in Target. You know, the guy that told me he fucked a fifteen year old when we was twenty two. That date was so bad that I had to call Chuck and ask him to pretend to be my friend who was bawling tears uncontrollably because she got dumped.
"What was his name?" Vance said, with a smile.
"Don't remember," I admitted, "He interrupted my inner Clueless monologue and was so boring and irrelevant that I didn't even really pay attention to the conversation we had."
"You know, here's something crazy- why don't you be more open to giving guys a chance?"
"Because I've done the date a nice guy thing, I've dated the guy that's funny but awkward, my best friend and boyfriend, where we binge watch Netflix and fall in love and whatever, I've done it, and it failed. The relationship failed, and of course I'm not going to let one relationship define me, but I've done it already and I've done it before. And right now, I don't want to go through that again."
"Then go get you some!"
"I also don't want to go around fucking every guy in Chicago either. I just want to be happy, focus on myself, and go on dates. If I fall in love, cool, if I don't, it's okay."
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