To Carry Hope

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."
-Oscar Wilde

February 15th, 2016

Blair Bui has hung up at 1:18 am.

Chuck: Well shit, I was just saying maybe because I haven't seen James in months. But that doesn't mean that he is any less important in my life.
Blair: Yeah well I'm not James and you know I want it expressed clearly. And also you know I like hanging out with you and talking but I don't want to initiate it every time.
Chuck: Well I'm not you and it is hard for me to initiate things. Hell, I don't even know when the last time I called my own mom was.
Blair: Okay. I don't even know how to respond.
Chuck: I'm saying I'm sorry, Blair.

-

I've been thinking about the message, not straight throughout my mind since it happened, but I've been thinking about it in little bursts. I can't help but think bout the lyft driver, and how he told me to be kind to Derek, even though I didn't like him. But I also think that when he says to be kind, he doesn't mean to be kind to your shitty ex boyfriends that treated you like shit.

I keep wondering if it was rude of me, and if I should have said something. But every time I do, I realize that it's for the best, and that I'm much better off without Chuck around- friend or not. Because I deserve better.

If we're talking about a last call, I deserve a much better last call than a half-assed salty and shady message through Facebook. Last calls are supposed to be daring and romantic, heartbreakingly desperate and tremendously sweet. They take your breath away, they stop you in your tracks, and they capture your heart.

I feel even weird not writing a full port, writing a completely uneventful and totally boring post. But it's been on my mind, as I've been thinking about myself recently. Specifically, me and relationships. Me and dating, me and guys. I've definitely been enjoying singledom- as in, literally me being alone and not trying to date anyone. I've learned so much about myself- what I want in life, who I want to be with, and exactly what I'm looking for. In case you haven't heard me say it five hundred million times- I'm looking for fire, passion, chemistry, and magic. It's one of the few things that hasn't been lost to me.

I remember when I was younger, I was such a romantic. My heart melted at love stories, and the idea of love was just so mystical and enchanting to me. Dates sounded so fun and magical, and for whatever reason, now, I just kind of dread them. I've become, somehow, the cynical bitch that doesn't go on more than one date with the guy, the girl that turns down perfectly nice guys when they're begging her for a second chance. The girl that hangs out with mostly guy friends, and the girl, when she's cuddling with a guy, that thinks, "Shit, how can I get out of this?" And I know it's because I didn't like those guys, and because there wasn't any fire. I know that I need fire too.

But now I'm sitting here, wondering, what if I never find fire again? It's a horrifying thought that maybe, possibly, I'm never going to feel it again. Sometimes I sit there, after a failed date, and I worry that I'm never going to feel fire again. I worry that I'm incapable of feeling something with another person in the future- it's not that I don't think there's a person out there I could feel fire with, it's that I worry I'm never going to find them, or something's going to be off, or just... that they're going to be even more shitty Chuck is. But I don't think about those things too much, those worries aren't what should be on the mind. Worries don't drive you to the future, but hope does.

The hope of finding what you want, and what you deserve is what drives you forward. And for the longest time, I was too afraid to admit that I was hoping for love. It's not the only thing I hope for- obviously I think about school and my career, but I blog about my romantic adventures, so we're going to address the romance part of my life. So, as I was saying, I hope for love. I hope for fire, I hope for magic and fireworks. Sparks, that fuzzy feeling inside that keeps you warm, the feeling of your heart beating faster, excitement, I hope for all of that. You have to keep it with you.

I know that I'm an independent person and I don't need someone to complete me, and all of that, it's just that sometimes life gets lonely, and life gets hard, and it's nice to be able to have someone there for you, at the end of the day. Someone to lay with you and dream, to talk all night and laugh endlessly. To worry about you and to be thinking of you, just, that special someone.

And that's why I can't be going on dates with male strippers or giving away second chances to people that I don't have fire with. It's because I want something real, and the hope of it is what gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside. It's the maybe that drives me, the hopefully that inspires me, and the negative experiences that remind me, what I really deserve.