If I Asked

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” 

-Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters 

-

And I walked out on to the street, my tote on one arm, I crossed the street wearing Chuck's jeans and his 5k sweatshirt, hurrying to class.

-

And as I cried on the powder blue armchair, Chuck looked back at me, holding my hand, and I swear to you, I felt like everything was going to be perfectly fine.

"I've just been taking the Chuck Cuevas approach to handling things, things happen and I'm supposed to be mad and sad and upset, but I'm just indifferent, and I ignore it and move on with my life," I admitted.

"Shit, you have been taking my approach," he said. He laughed for a bit, and then squeezed my hand.

"And it makes me feel like a terrible person, but I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to not be weak, and when you care it makes you weak."

Chuck looked at me, and then moved his chair a bit closer. "Blair, you are one of the strongest people I know, and you can still be strong and care about people."

"I can't believe that you have a lab due in like an hour and you're talking to me right now," I laughed, as I wiped the tears from my cheek. I looked over at Chuck, who smiled right back at me, and chuckled.

"Don't worry about it, you needed to talk."

I really couldn't believe it, Chuck genuinely forfeited his lab to be with me. CHUCK. He hadn't sacrificed something to be with me, in a long, long time. The reason that I stopped talking to him months ago was because of the exact fact that he wasn't there for me that one night.

I regained my composure, and got up. "You can't forfeit all of it, come on, you can work on it right now and I'll work on homework."

We sat and worked on homework, talking and laughing like there was never any distance between the two of us. It felt like I had just seen him the night before, and not months ago. We talked, we laughed, and it was great.

I'm completely blanking on how this happened, but I remember sitting as he worked on his lab, pulling his navy fuzzy blanket over me, and then just starting to BAWL tears. I genuinely don't know how it happened guys, I'm sorry. It wasn't because Chuck upset me or made me mad- he was working on his lab report just casually typing when suddenly there was a fuzzy blanket burrito with ex-girlfriend filling bawling tears on his bed. I guess my meltdown wasn't complete, but I just kept bawling.

As I cried, I felt Chuck's arms wrap around me, pulling me into a hug.

"Blair, please don't cry."

I kept sobbing uncontrollably, of course.

"We're going to be okay, we're going to get through this, there's going to be good times and bad times, but we're going to get through this. We're going to be fine," he said, rubbing my shoulder.

DID HE JUST SAY WE?

BLAIR HE JUST SAID WE.

BLAIR HE JUST SAID WE.

We as in YOU AND ME. Chuck and Blair. THE TWO OF US.

I popped my head out of the blanket burrito, like a turtle coming out of it's shell or the head of an uncircumcised dick popping out.

"Chuck...did you just say we?" I turned to look at him, and looked at him, expectantly.

"Yeah, I did. Because it's going to be okay," he said, with a smile. And in that moment, I felt the force between us more than I had in the past couple months. It wasn't the ghost of a person, Chuck that was holding me in his arms, it was real Chuck. It was Chuck that looked at me like no guy ever did in my entire life, the Chuck that ran across campus because he was afraid of being late for a date, Chuck that showed up at 2 am belligerently drunk once because he didn't want to skip movie night (even though he had told me he had plans), the Chuck that stole my heart and whose hands fit mine perfectly.

And in that moment, a question popped in my brain.

"What is it?"

I turned to face him. I had forgotten how Chuck knew me so incredibly well, despite the fact that I had changed so much in the past couple months.

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head.

"Come on, you have to tell me," he said, smiling back at me.

"I was just wondering something," I admitted, as I pulled the blanket closer to me. "But I changed my mind, because I'm scared."

Chuck paused, and pondered things for a moment. "Blair, what could you possibly be scared to ask?"

He looked back at me, and we sat for a moment, "Blair, I'm not dating anyone, I haven't fucked anyone, and I'm not interested in anyone, if that's what you're wondering...I wouldn't."

"Yeah, because if you were, it would be me," I said, laughing.

"Someone's confident in herself," Chuck laughed.

Chuck and I laid in bed, and we talked all night. We talked about what had been going on in each other's lives over the past few months, our plans for summer, and everything and anything under the sun.

"I missed you," I said.

"I missed you too, it's nice to have someone to talk to," Chuck said, with a smile. I had completely forgotten about that, I was the closest person to him, and Chuck had never confided anything in anyone before I skipped into his life.

"I know, I missed talking to you too, and hanging out with stuff." He looked at me, smiling, as we laid in his bed, cuddling, and laying face to face, nose to nose. But even as this happened, I still felt that question looming over me.

"Chuck."

He pulled me in closer, looking at me, as I continued to whisper, "My question is, if I asked you to wait two years for me, would you?"

"Of course."

My voice started to break a little, as the next words came out of my mouth, "Even if I can't have kids?"

With my mother's hysterectomy, due to her uterine fibroids, I was learning more and more about my body and my reproductive health. And as I learned more and more, the signs and flags became clearer and clearer, there was a very strong chance that I could be infertile. I knew that I had to get tested to be sure, but a gut feeling in my stomach just knew. 

"Yeah, it's okay, we'll figure it out," Chuck said, as he played with my hair. He looked at me, with the greatest sincerity than anyone had ever looked at me, in my entire life.

"It won't stop you from wanting to be with me?"

"No, Blair, of course not."

I looked at him, and asked, "Chuck, why didn't you fight for me? Why didn't you stop me from leaving? You just let me go," I said, voice breaking and tears running down my face. "You just let me never talk to you again like it was nothing."

"Blair, I don't ever want to stop you from doing anything that you want to do." He pulled me in, close to his chest, and I looked up at him.

"I said that I was sorry and I asked you to reschedule for another time, and then I never heard from you again," he said, hurt. "I just didn't know what to do. I'm sorry."

"I missed you," I said, smiling at him. "I'm sorry, Chuck."

There are so many things in my life, where I take the ballsy, indifferent bitch approach. It's a part of me that I'm not ashamed of, but sometimes, when I take that approach, I will admit that I can do wrong. And when it comes to being with someone, you can't just be a ballsy bitch, sometimes you have to be kind, and that's what I needed to be.

"Chuck, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bitch, and for constantly saying that if you wanted to be with me, you would, and for acting like you didn't want me and that you didn't care about me. Because you do, and you want to be with me, but you can't because you can't handle school and everything. You can't right now and that's okay, and I'm sorry for being a bitch." I took a deep breath, gasping for air, as it call came out of me. Chuck pulled me in closer, as we looked at each other, right in my eyes.

"Blair, you're not a bitch. You know if I could be with someone, it would be you."

"I like you a lot, Chuck."

Chuck smiled, with his stupidly perfect boyish charm, and gave a little chuckle.

"I like you a lot too."

"Why?"

"Well, because you're very pretty, beautiful actually. You're smart and great and I love talking to you and hanging out with you, and spending time with you, and we always have a great time."

And even though those words sounded so simple, as Chuck spoke very simply, they meant the world to me.

"Chuck, I really missed you."

I spent the night (yes, we had sex and it was fucking bombtastic), and after laying in bed in and cuddling in the morning (yes, we had morning sex and it was fucking bombtastic), I got up to get dressed. Because I didn't want to wear the same dress as the day before, and the weather magically transformed to 40 degree freezingness, Chuck gave in and gave me a pair of his smallest jeans, and his Turkey Trot 5k sweatshirt.

"Are you going to message me later or am I going to have to do it?' I laughed, as he pulled me in for a kiss. It was magic, and it was electrifying, I felt it right down to my toes. My arms lingered around his neck, as I pulled him in for another kiss.

"I will message you later, and you have to get going to class," he said, smiling.

We said good bye, and I started heading to class.

And I walked out on to the street, my tote on one arm, I crossed the street wearing Chuck's jeans and his 5k sweatshirt, hurrying to class.

Okay, maybe I wasn't one hundred percent sure what I was going to do, but that was okay.