The Kindest Parts

"To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times, what people need is NOT a brilliant mind that speaks, but a special heart that listens." 

-

"Just give him some space, and you guys are going to be fine." Matthew had said.

"I am giving him space, by making the choice to never talk to him again." I said, cheerfully. I was just going to walk away again, it was totally going to be fine. Chuck could stop me if he wanted to. I continued to type up my notes for my Genetics exam, and drinking my Cranberry Red Bull. But no matter what I did, I just kept having this strange feeling inside of me.

It was this gut feeling telling me that this was not what I was supposed to do, this wasn't the real Blair. Running away from Chuck and just walking away- that is fine for the Chuck who was an asshole, but not for the one that's trying. He gave up a lab to be there for me when I was sad, and he is a human, and it entitles him to have space and time for himself, and to make small mistakes, and to be busy. So if he was trying, should I be too?

And as much as I didn't want to admit it, the whole thing scared me. That was why I didn't tell anyone that Chuck was back in my life, that was why I lost my shit and was about to dip- because this genuinely scared me. The feelings that I have, and what could happen, it terrifies me. I could be heartbroken even more than I was the first time, but also, at the same time, he made me feel something for the first time, in forever.

He brings out the kindest parts of me, the emotional parts, the parts that I would otherwise hide, in fear of being perceived weak. And so, was I really going to be mad, or was I going to be kind?

In the movies, the guy always shows up at the last minute to win her back, after she has not changed. She remains the exact same heroine as before, and the guy just shows up, and he's changed- even though she is untouched. But real life doesn't work that way, and in order to repair something that fell apart, or to travel alongside each other after such a long time, there must be change. There must be change in both, as the paces of life have slowed up or sped up, but to be alongside each other, you have to adjust and you have to change. You can't remain the same and expect someone to follow you.

And really, was this heartless, emotionless, indifferent (but still sassy, brazen, bold) person, the person I wanted to be? Of course not. I wanted to be the Blair that cares so much that she pours her heart out, the Blair who smiles when she wakes up, and laughs without worry. The one who isn't afraid of looking weak, and is still strong and fiercely independent. So if Chuck was going to try, I would too.

Blair: I'm sorry that I overreacted like that, I just would have appreciated if you had said something. Good luck on your code! Don't stress out too much/
Chuck: I know, it is really my fault, thank you

Although jaded and guarded, I just had to be kind. When there's someone that you care about, you can't just assume that they're going to drop everything and accommodate you, there has to be compromise and there has to be understanding. And so, I decided that the attitude and the expectation of Chuck needed to prove that he deserved me, I let it go. Because deep down, I knew that he was trying to.

"So we are friends, now, and I use that term loosely. I like him, and I'm very attracted to him, but at the same time I don't know," I admitted to Shane, as we walked through the streets. It was okay that things weren't crystal clear, sometimes a little mystery is a good thing.

"Oh my god, he's your Abner," Shane said, laughing uncontrollably. I gave him side eye and shook my head.

"Chuck is not Abner. Abner is gross."

"Well let's see here, he is socially awkward, his face looks goofy, he is a scrawny little man, and he smells offensive, who does that sound like? ABNER."

"Chuck is not Abner!"

"He's Abner, Blair, he's Abner."